In a week with more than one football game every single day (with most of them not involving a MAC team for once), it seemed only appropriate to send out 2009 with a special two-part Hierarchy of Hate. Today, we tell you who to cheer for in the Bowl games and follow it up later this week with the picks for the final weekend of NFL football.

With all of these bowl games there are a lot of teams you may not know much about and therefore are not clear as to whether you cheer for or against. You don’t want to make the rookie mistake of inadvertently cheering for a team full of criminals led by a coach completely full of himself. Sure, you could just not cheer for Tennessee and minimize the chance this happens but that isn’t nearly as fun as following our guidance in the THH.

As has become my own little holiday tradition, we are picking this year’s bowl game match-ups based on college football and bowl game history. Because if there is anything we should keep in mind heading into a new year it is that those who don’t know history are destined to repeat it.

Therefore, here is your college football history edition THH. The instructions are simple. Pick your team based on how you answer each question.

(Note: All years based on regular season, not the year of the bowl game – for all of you anal rule sticklers out there.)

Shadow: Does anyone else find it interesting that in the wake of SMU returning to a bowl, and winning it no less, that Craig James is in the spotlight this week at the center of the Mike Leach firing?  Interesting footnote gleaned from his Wikipedia page:  his real name is Jesse.  Seriously.  Really.  Maybe outlaws are revered in Jacksonville (TX), but in my opinion, certain names need to be removed from eligible parental selection (see:  Manson, Charles; Bundy, Ted; Weed, Richard).  But I digress.  We are supposed to be here commenting on Bowl Season, and I am stoked that in a little less than a week I can either be on top of the world with Iowa finally breaking through and winning a BCS bowl game, or I can be preparing some sort of vigorous defense against Super Dave’s eventual Big-Slow-Big 10 versus Lithe-Fast-ACC/SEC argument.  At least Wisconsin managed to shock the world and beat the Hurricanes.  Score one for Big-Slow Midwestern schools.  BTW, one last SMU note, and I will be the first to admit (and have to Turner and SD several times) that I am very bad at knowing where NFL players went to college if it wasn’t Iowa….but I had no idea that Craig James and Erik Dickerson shared the same backfield and were nicknamed the “Pony Express”.   I really love the Internet…now if I could only get one of those new fangled iPhone thingies so I could look up random junk on Google no matter where I was. 

Alabama vs. Texas: better national championship upset: 1992 Sugar Bowl or 2005 Rose Bowl

SD: I have been thinking about that 1992 Sugar Bowl a lot lately, with the recent ESPN documentary on The U bringing back to mind those late 80’s/early 90’s Cane teams. One of things that most bothered me about the documentary was its faulty conclusion that the 1991 team really signified the end of the Cane dynasty. That, to me, is revisionist history seen through rose-colored glasses. It completely ignores the 1992 team that dominated the entire season and was viewed just as unstoppable as all the previous Cane teams. That 1992 team even gave us the Gino Torretta Memorial Heisman – which is no small feat by itself. That 1992 Alabama team was just a nice story – the resurrection of the once-mighty Crimson Tide for a surprise trip to the National championship where though being the popular sentimental favorite of old-timey sportswriters nostalgic for Bear Bryant they would be wiped out by the mighty Canes. Thankfully, this Tide team didn’t care about history and went out and dominated the Canes. While Vince Young and the Longhorns beating the USC team that had won the previous title over Oklahoma by a score of 437-4 (approximately) was surprising, the Trojans hadn’t approached the level of dominance those Canes teams had. Sorry, Texas – Roll Tide!

Turner: It has to be the running Vince Young’s on this one.  While Miami was a favorite to win, the Crimson Tide had run the SEC and won the first ever SEC Championship game.  Meanwhile, the MIGHTY USC Trojans couldn’t be beat.  The Longhorns were a 1 dimensional team that couldn’t stay on the field with USC.  Vince Young (puke) proved them otherwise.  Despite my credit to UT on this one, I’ll go against SD’s direction and hope that Alabama kicks the holy *******  *******  ******** ******* out of Texas. I HATE THEM.  HATE HATE HATE HATE.  I hope Bama shoves things so far up Jordan Shipley’s a$$ that Colt won’t be able to access it for years.

Shadow: Any game that can shed a harsh light on the travesty that is the Heisman voting (I am also looking at you Jason White in the 2004 Sugar Bowl) is something I like to see.  It was fun to see Gino and his Hurricane mates suck against Bama.  However, the 2005 Rose Bowl will always be one of those games that springs to mind when I think of truly great games that I have watched.  I had some personal hatred going into the game because of what USC did to Iowa in 2002, but it was just an awesome game that had virtually everything a college football fan could want (including some great defensive plays, despite a game featuring 79 points scored).  For that reason, I will actually have to pull for Texas….in one of the few scenarios SD probably could have come up with to make me lean that way.

Arizona vs. Nebraska: More enjoyable defeat of the Miami Hurricanes in a Bowl Game: 1993 Arizona Desert Swarm in Fiesta Bowl or 1994 Nebraska in the Orange Bowl

SD: People forget this now but for the longest time the Cornhsukers were the Buffalo Bills of the NCAA. Between a title in 1971 and their Orange Bowl win after the 1994 season, the Huskers seemed to always be in the national title hunt yet always fall short. Whether it was the Canes stopping them on that 2 point conversion in 1984 or FSU beating them in the 1993 national title game the Huskers always rode a weak schedule and Tom Osborne’s popularity to high rankings before ultimately losing in a marquee bowl game. Not sure about you, but I like the story of lovable losers. Just think how unsufferable Charlie Brown would have been if Lucy had let him kick that football. Every sport needs the ‘close but not quite’ team. Look at what has happened in baseball since the Red Sox won in 2004. I am cheering for Arizona. The desert swarm was a humorous side story for one season, before the Wildcats returned to their rightful place as a basketball only school. You know how, when baseball players first come up to the majors, they have an inordinate amount of success until the major league pitchers see enough of them to know how to pitch them? Those couple weeks of great hitting were the 1993 Arizona football team. I will take a fluke over the end of a long suffering fan base any day.

Turner: First off, this was back when the Fiesta Bowl was the “IBM OS/2 Fiesta Bowl”… I am so f***** old.  I do remember the desert swarm shutting out The U.  That was certainly great but being from Big XII country and HATING everything that Miami stood for (because they beat the crap out of OU every year in the Orange Bowl), I was really rooting for Neb in this one.  I had / have so much respect and admiration for Tommie Frazier and that running offense, plus knowing that Cory Schlesinger would be subjected to years in Detroit made it even a better story. R.I.P. Brooks Berringer (why Kyle Orton wears #8)  Good ol’ Tom Osborne got his National Championship and the U got sent home (albeit just a few miles away)

Shadow: Another set of Hurricane letdowns.  Although I would like to reward Nebraska under gutsy heralded Brooks Berringer, I just can’t overlook a defense that ended Miami’s 15 year run without being shut out.  I guarantee there is no way anyone in the Miami locker room thought they couldn’t score on Arizona…Desert Swarm or no Desert Swarm.  It is always fun to watch Miami lose, and especially nice to see them shut out.

Northwestern vs. Auburn: which team was a better Cinderella story: 1993 Auburn or 1995 Northwestern

SD: It is lost to the annals of time now, but Terry Bowden almost became the black sheep of the Bowden family a decade before Jeff Bowden ultimately did. In Terry’s first season coaching Auburn he led his team to an undefeated season, which could have in theory kept FSU from playing for the national title and winning Bobby his first national title. Thankfully, like most SEC schools Auburn was cheating. Unfortunately, unlike most SEC schools, they were caught and on probation that season. The 1995 Northwestern team was more like the 1993 Arizona team. An anomaly of a team for a school known for things other than football. Interestingly, while the Auburn team was on probation, this Northwestern team was coached by Gary Barnett who would help change the expectations of all campus hostesses while at CU years later by installing a culture that could be most charitably described as Bunny Ranch-esque. I can’t reward that kind of behavior. Well, unless benefitting directly from it. Instead, in honor of Terry’s memory I will cheer on Auburn. I guess those poor kids from Northwestern will have to make themselves feel better by getting high paying jobs and spitting on the Auburn grads, cleaning their wastebaskets each night.

Turner: This one has to be the ’95 NW Wildcats.  While Auburn did unexpectedly go undefeated and beat two top 11 teams (‘Bama and UF), they had tradition, a decent recruiting base, and at least the facilities and players to compete.  Meanwhile the tiny NW Wildcats showed up with an actor for a RB (Darnell Autry) and the fierce Pat Fitzgerald at LB they were almost destined to even with the Rose Bowl.  This team sticks out in my mind as being glued to the Rose Bowl just hoping that the small / smart school could pull it off (please note, I was at SMU at this time so I was living through NW this season).  Plus, them beating Mighty Notre Dame just makes every season a success for me

Shadow: Auburn

We are back early with THH this week, due to the short holiday week. As we look at the 3-day feast of football and food, I am stuck thinking about a different uniquely American tradition – the gunslinger. Not a Billy-the-kid, shoot-out at the O-K Corral kind of gunslinger, I mean the quarterback gunslinger. The strong-armed quarterback who can (or tries to) throw the ball into any space, no matter how small. Sure, he makes mistakes but in the end his exciting plays outweigh them and Americans love our heroes flawed.

The modern day father of the gunslinger movement is Brett Favre, so as he continues his remarkable success in the Land of 10,000 Lakes we will continue to hear more and more about his gunslinging ways. But is that really true? Is Favre’s traditional high risk/high reward style of quarterbacking what has brought the Vikings to a 10-1 record? Or is it more likely, much like John Elway in his later years, Favre is only seeing success thanks to a strong defense, a great running back and talented wide receivers? I have been saying it since he before he was drafted, A.P. is the second-coming of Terrell Davis, right down to the initial-based nickname and high probability of having his career cut short by injury. Could he also be replicating TD by carrying a past-his-prime legendary quarterback to an improbable Super Bowl? We will just have to wait and see.

If the Vikings are the Christina Aguillera of the gunslinger argument (surprisingly well-adjusted after a rocky start), then the Bears are the Britney Spears (just a train wreck).  Everything that Favre has inside him and around him to reign in and take advantage of his skills, Jay Cutler lacks. Cutler has no receivers, a porous defense and a mediocre running game that was abandoned the day Whiny Jay showed up in town. Worse, Cutler lacks the charisma and enthusiasm that defines Favre’s career.

I have a buddy that lives in Chicago and the moment the Cutler/Orton trade was finalized we started trading emails – he boasting about how bad Orton was, me trying to temper any excitement for the turn over machine that is Cutler. As the season has progressed and Cutler continuously imploded in high profile games, I have sent mocking emails to him reminding him that I had warned him long ago to expect lots of red zone mistakes.

This past weekend after yet another interception clinched a Bears loss, I sent an email with the subject line ‘I am out of jokes’. Which I am. Even I, rabid Cutler hater, could never have foreseen the utter implosion that Jay has been in Chicago. Sure, he is missing the talented receivers he had here in Denver but that isn’t why they are losing. Here is what I said in the email:

“You know when I knew the Bears were cooked? When after the punt they showed Cutler walk on to the field with his head down, all by himself 15 yards from his nearest teammate. Has any quarterback inspired less confidence in a two minute drill?”

And it’s true. You can say what you want about Favre’s hail mary passing game, and prima donna ways but when it comes to playing the game – it is clear he still loves it and relishes the time spent with his teammates playing. Can you say that about Jay? He looks unhappy and alone all the time. That is what you want in a leader?

Of course, Cutler never led to Iraqi detainees mocking American soldiers, so he does have that going for him. Which is nice.

Turner: I’m sorry readers, I have to be short and sweet this week as Super Dave gave us unreasonable timelines to respond and I didn’t want to disappear 2 weeks in a row.  Disturbing fact of the week:  in 2 short weeks, the Shadow heads on a cruise with Mrs. Shadow.  While I’m excited for him to have a week off, I discovered today he has pre-paid and is planning a ‘couples’ massage.  This is disturbing on a number of fronts (most notably the price tag)… that money could be used to invest at the poker and blackjack table but instead he succumbed to his marital demands and will be lying face down on a table either getting a rub down from “Hans” (my personal preference to see how he handles that scenario) or some lady of Asian descent that had just spend the last 4 hours taking every single one of his dollars at blackjack.  God Speed Shadow.

Oh – and please, watch the Cancun Classic (Kentucky playing). They are playing inside a ballroom with chandeliers on the ceiling, are we this desperate?

Shadow: I am not quite sure where last week went.  I could blame it on the Vegas Flu, yet I managed to make it to work and be a semi-functional father.  I think part of my Hateless week had to do with the bad taste still in my mouth from Sin City…and I am not referencing our misguided decision to each down a whole medium Little Caesar’s pizza during the afternoon college football games in the Mandalay Bay sports book.  No, this particular bad taste was the $40 I lost betting on the Pats to cover 3.5 points, which should have been turned into $120.  Super Dave already covered that little fiasco, so I won’t detail it any more here…..and I have already created a new motto for Vegas 2010:  No Parlays, No Pats, More F’ing Purple. 

 So, call this week the Ripped-Up Sports book Ticket THH:

College (Snow Bird Edition):

It has been a little cold here in Denver over the last couple of weeks. A snowstorm passed through a while we were on our Vegas vacation and it has been cold enough that there are still some pockets of snow in my backyard – which is pretty strange for Colorado. Anyway, all this cold weather reminded me of what Jimmy said ‘I gotta go where it’s warm’. Since I am not going where it’s warm, I can at least day dream in THH.

Arizona @ Arizona State

SD: It is a well-known secret in the state of Florida that the co-eds at FSU put the co-eds at UF to shame in every way. Is this true in Arizona as well? Does ASU attract the better looking women than UofA or is there equally beautiful women at each? I frankly don’t know, but I am truly interested and open to persuasion from either party. And you know what I mean by persuasion, ladies. I was in Phoenix about a month ago for a meeting and we hit the town a couple nights (yes, a bunch of old men out at the college bars, the women loved us). I will just say that U of A has some work to do. So, just in case U of A can’t compete I will cheer on the Sun Devils.

Turner: This is the battle of nerdy guys who you know got lots of action… Luke Walton vs. Jake Plummer.  Both had probably lots of options and I’m sure their parents provided lots of additional non-prescription (i.e. pot) drugs to make the scene even better.  It sure must have been hard to pick from all those dark tanned, blonde females on campus…… sorry, had to have a moment…….  I have to go with Plummer on this one, many reasons, most notably of which Luke Walton sucks.  He has no skills, was part of team that beat the Nuggies (and I HATE the Lakers) and scored more on campus then he ever will in the NBA.

Shadow: I didn’t manage to bet on either of these teams in Vegas, so I will revert to a more traditional rationale.  The “Territorial Cup”?  Lame.  One school is coached by “Stoops the Lesser”, the other by a coach who can’t decide where he would rather underachieve more…in the pros or in the Pac-10.  Hmmm, that isn’t truly fair, as Dennis Erickson has enjoyed success in several of his coaching stops.  Seriously, though, are there any serious students at ASU?  I am pretty sure the majority of the 69,000+  (he said 69!) are there for one thing, and one thing only….the parties.  How can you hate that?  Go Devils!

Miami @ South Florida

SD: The University of South Florida is in Tampa. Look at a map, there is a lot of Florida south of the campus of South Florida. Couldn’t they have come up with a better name? I know there is already a West Florida (in Pensacola), Central Florida (Orlando), and North Florida (Jacksonville) so South Florida is the logical final school name, but shouldn’t they have located it somewhere a little more…umm, what’s the word…south? That is enough to make me cheer for Miami here. Of course, the University of Miami is actually located in Coral Gables and they play their games in Fort Lauderdale. That whole state is screwed up. No wonder Carl Hiassen finds so much to write about. I will cheer for the Canes, just because I like how they adopted actual hurricane warning flags as one of their symbols. Whatever.

Turner: The battle of a school who came up with “The U” vs. a team that is geographically confused.  Miami doesn’t deserve to be “the U”, that should go to Utah which could be “the U of U”.  Nothing better that getting “Double U’d” (oh – is that then Washington?  -2 fantasy points for a bad joke).  Plus I love the South Florida story, coming from nowhere and is the 2^nd best team in the state almost (sorry SD)….  Go Bulls, your only problem is you need your own stadium, oh – the U doesn’t even have one of those either….  Both teams should lose then.

Shadow: Too easy.  One of these teams cost me no money in Las Vegas.  One of them pissed me off and personally eliminated 3 different parlays.  I am looking at you Hurricanes.  I see last weekend you had no trouble handling Duke.  I hate you. 

NFL:

Much like a bride, this week we are going with a new/old theme for the NFL picks. I guess next week we should go with something borrowed and something blue.

New England @ New Orleans (The New Bowl)

SD: This is the New Bowl for 2 reasons. First because both teams have the word New in their name (duh) but more importantly after years of being jokes they are now 2 of the 3 best teams in the league. Of course, New Orleans is a lot newer to the elite team status than New England. New Orleans is also still in the process of re-newing itself as it crawls out of the bomb crater that was Katrina. Just for that you knew I would be cheering on New Orleans. Get it? Knew? Man, that is good stuff. Sometimes you can’t stop me you can only hope to contain me.

Turner: Please refer to Super Dave’s recap of the 4^th and 2 discussion from last week.  SCREW the Patriots (now and FOREVER) and the combined $200 they owe us.  I hope they lose every game until they send me a check.

Shadow: F*ing Bellicheat.  He owes me $120.

Oakland @ Dallas (The Old Bowl)

SD: The Old Bowl – not only because Al Davis and Jerry Jones are a combined 476 years old (approximate) but because about 30 years ago, this would have been a Super Bowl preview. Today, it matches a team that forgets how to play as soon as the holidays hit versus a team that never even learned how to play. This might be the ugliest game ever played on Thanksgiving if it weren’t for the Lions annual embarrassment. But maybe it is fitting that on a day of traditions, family and nostalgia we get a game pitting two traditionally important teams run by families, nostalgic for better days. It is also fitting because Thanksgivings are almost universally better in theory than practice, just like this game. Give me the Boys here. Remember I am Bronco fan. Just because the Raiders stink, doesn’t mean I am ever going to cheer for them.

Turner: Hard choice here for 2 organizations I have no respect for.  In this case I’m simply going on uniforms.  I’m a fan of the Silver and Black.  One of my favorite childhood memories was watching the Cowboys being forced to wear the unlucky Blue uniforms.  It was great how it was the discussion of every game growing up and listening to all those whiners.  It seems some things never change and that whining is still prevalent within that Organization.  Plus, the label of “America’s team” is about as ridiculous as “the U”.

Shadow: Why was a betting an “over” in a game where one team was QB’d by Jamarcus Russell?  Because I am stupid.  Still….the Raiders/Chiefs were on track after the first half in Vegas to covering the over.  Then both offenses stunk up the second half.  Dallas, on the other hand, were a key factor in my one winning NFL parlay as they predictably came up short in Lambeau.  There were definitely more Cowboy fans in Mandalay Bay than any other team (isn’t this always they way it is?….their bandwagon is only slightly smaller than the new cruise ship debuting this week….and it was fun hearing them cringe every time Tony Romo would throw to Roy “Stone Hands” Williams as the ball would inevitably NOT be caught.  Dallas made me money, so they shall not be hated this week.  Plus, any new reason to hate the Raiders is a good thing.

It is a Thursday morning at PFB HQ. I arrived home from the City by the Bay late last night and in less than 24 hours we will be taking the official THH road trip to Las Vegas. It is hard to hate much when you are staring right at 3 days of the blackjack tables and sports book in Mandalay Bay. Other than unfriendly dealers of course.

What is it about a pending trip to Vegas that consumes your life? I went to Europe a couple months ago but did I obsess about all things European before going? Did I watch subtitled French art films, eat cheese and drink wine? Did I eat sausage and beer at every meal until the only thing keeping beer from seeping out every pore of my body was that the pores were clogged with pork fat? No, I didn’t. At least no more than usual.

Yet, with a trip to Vegas on the horizon, I am suddenly consumed with gambling. Whether it is innocent sport-picking games on espn.com, watching poker on TV or playing my little handheld blackjack game, it has been all- gambling, all-the-time for me this week. Why is that? I know I am going to lose large amounts of money, so it isn’t like I think all of this work will give me some sort of edge.

All of this makes we wonder if I have wee-bit of a gambling problem. But I don’t think I do for two reasons. First, is that I am too cheap to lose a ton of money. The second is that I have convinced myself that I only really like gambling as a way to stroke the competitiveness that is no longer a daily part of my life as it was back in my younger days. Now, that I am evolving into a decrepit old man that groans when he stands up and sighs when he sits down, I need some competition to keep me going. Demonstrating my superior knowledge through making money is the perfect avenue for that.

What do they say? Admitting you have a problem is the first step? Well, I won’t be taking that step until at least Monday.  

Turner: I learned a valuable lesson this past week… The more you look forward to something, the more disappointed you will be.  That happened as the Shadow and I made a road trip to Lincoln to watch my beloved Sooners take on the Huskers.  My anticipation had been building for the past 4 months for this game.  It had been a dream of mine since I was a kid to go to Lincoln and even though the rivalry (or greatness of the teams) isn’t the same, it brought back so many great memories that caused me to love college football.   I Highly recommend everyone make it to Lincoln for a game, and if you do, you must attend Sidetracks, a local bar full of Huskers and a live band spending the entire time berating the other team with some good ol’ fashioned humor and jesting.  That was pretty much the highlight of the weekend…..

From there the Shadow and I woke up and worked out (not together for either item) and made our way to a local bar for the Iowa game.  I won’t go into any details on that painful experience but to watch a dear friend suffer in misery but try to maintain a positive attitude was not enjoyable.   We then went there and as SD recapped, did a bit of tailgating, beer drinking (me, not the Shadow), and watching pretty much all 80,000 people come up to the Shadow (who was wearing his Iowa Shirt and Hat) and say “Hey man, did you see the Iowa game today” or “Hey man, did Iowa pull it out” or “Hey man, you do know that you lost to Northwestern, right”.  At any rate, the Shadow handled himself much better than I would have, he simply smiled (showing his sharp pointy hawkeye teeth) and said “yep”.   No anger, nothing… I was proud to be near a man (not that near) that had such composure. 

The roles reversed as the University of Oklahoma apparently left their entire football team in Norman (or they stayed at Sidetracks much too long).  To watch your team march past the 50 so many times and yet never score was painful.  But like the Shadow, I never raised my voice or lost my cool (thanks mostly to the 8 year old boy sitting in front of us).  I simply accepted the fact that this season sucks and I drove 8 hours through smelly, flat-land to watch my team lay a gigantic egg.  After the game, the Shadow and I simply walked back to the car with everyone we know asking the same three questions to me that they were asking the Shadow early (except insert “crappy a$$ Sooners” in for “Iowa”).  We held our heads high knowing that it isn’t the end of the world.

Why?  Well of course is because as bad as last weekend was, this weekend will be 100,000,000 times better.  In 48 hours, we’ll be in Vegas and I’m feeling it, starting with my first ever poker tournament on Friday night.  Karma will turn and by the end of the weekend, you will be comparing the names of Turner, SD, and The Shadow to those of famous Vegas lore.  Hopefully the stories will be so deep that we’ll get 2 or three posting out of it next week.  So I bid adieu to Lincoln and welcome the bright lights of Sin City, what a week.

Shadow: The dream is over.  Jimmy Vandenberg’s debut reminded me of the Tommy “Turnover” Maddox era for my Broncos.  To be fair, it was his first extended action, but, dammit……it was Northwestern!  I would like to think we have enough talent to still beat Northwestern even without QB1 and RB1 and RB2.  Sad.  And this was after the Broncos had already succumbed to their first defeat, and have since added on another, and the offense looks atrocious.  The Autumn of the Shadow has now turned into The Fall of the Shadow’s Football Teams.  I am trying hard to focus on this THH, but it is difficult. 

 Last weekend started so promising.  Road trip with Turner to Lincoln for the big Nebraska-OU showdown.  Friday night stop at “Sidetracks”, a local Lincoln joint only open on home game weekends.  Not much talent in the room, although there was plenty on the stage as the Sidetracks Band revved up the crowd by taking well known tunes and replacing the lyrics to either glorify the Huskers or denounce the Sooners, including a rather scathing rendition of Boomer Sooner, where the band went ahead and added on a few verses since the song kind of lacks verbosity.  The other highlight from Sidetracks was that the little old lady leading the band would read anything the crowd would write on cocktail napkins and handed to her.  Let’s just say I heard anatomical references and various descriptions of “coupling” that would have made a sailor blush.  And it was most incongruous to hear it coming out of someone who could be my grandma. 

 Since the big game wasn’t until 7 PM we had plenty of time to get up, watch the Iowa game, and tailgate with the Local Lincolnites.  As everyone knows by now, the day started shitty with Iowa losing their starting quarterback and then their first game.  I had to absorb some good natured ribbing from the locals.  Many Nebraskan fans seemed overjoyed that Iowa had lost.  I took most of it with stoic grace, but one annoying fan that just couldn’t let it go and kept yelling at me that Iowa lost (as if someone walking through Lincoln with a Hawkeye shirt and hat on would not know what had occurred), so I kindly reminded him that Nebraska lost to the J.V. team from the state of Iowa.  They didn’t like this.

 We also got to tailgate with the CEO of our company.  He was really down to earth, and eats Fritos right out of the bag like the rest of us.  No bean dip though.  And he kind of thought I was just a friend of Turner’s rather than realizing that I work for him as well, and in fact spend most of my time making Turner look good…which is a tough job…I probably need a raise.  By the time we got into the luxury suite, and looked out upon the fabled “Sea of Red” it was a pretty amazing site.  I had never been to any big time college games, and it was truly an experience.  Turner’s Holieway jersey ensured we would be showered with wisecracks all game, especially with the game itself a true snoozer.  I am pretty sure both offensive coordinators should have been fired on the spot.

 So we ended the day with a loss for each of our team’s, including SuperDave’s Seminoles, and still had to face the 7 hour drive back to Denver.  If anyone asks me if I would ever do this again, I can answer quite honestly…….Damn Right I would!  Even with the losses, it was a hell of a lot of fun, and a perfect warm-up for the debauchery that will occur this weekend in Las Vegas.

College:

Northwestern @ Illinois

SD: Our theme this week is intrastate rivals – because nothing is harder than picking between two teams in the same state you couldn’t care less about. Our first match-up is the old classic state school v. uppity, smart kid private school (see also: UNC/Duke, Cal/Stanford). Well I am state schooler through and through – from my parents to my collegiate experience to my outlook on life (fun before social standing). So in honor of all those kids out there that weren’t born with a trust fund and didn’t spend their entire high school career only doing what looked best on their college application, I’m cheering for the Illini. Take that silver spoon and shove it Wildcats.

Turner: 1 giant bag of poop to SD for this one.  This is just rubbing it in the Shadow’s wounds.   Under normal circumstances, I’d always go with NW because of their academics and purple but because of the heartbreak they caused my friend (or should I say “my employee” because the Shadow always introduces me as “his boss” versus “his friend” which completely pisses me off every time), I have to go with the Illini.  They ruined last Saturday, likely ruined the Rose Bowl dreams, and even potentially ruined the big game on Saturday versus OSU by breaking Stanzi’s leg.  You might be smart but you weren’t considerate NW.

Shadow: F*cking Northwestern.

Idaho @ Boise State

SD: One of these is the most overrated team in college football since the 2007 Hawaii Rainbow Warriors and set the tone for my college fantasy season by taunting and (most likely) racially slurring my first round draft pick to that point that he sucker-punched a dude, tried to pull a Ron Artest on the crowd and got dismissed for the season (only to be re-instated this week, the first week of my fantasy league playoffs – for which I didn’t qualify thanks to the aforementioned losing of my first round pick in the first game of the entire year. Awesome). The other team is based in Moscow and is nicknamed the Vandals. There isn’t much to like about a state best known for its militias and Senators that like anonymous gay sex in airport bathrooms but aren’t gay, but a city named Moscow and a team named Vandals is one of them. Please Vandals, save the college football world from suffering through this BSU team getting shellacked in an undeserved BCS bowl.  

Turner: Great match up here and having been in Idaho twice in the last month, the entire state is gearing up for this game.  Mark Schlereth of Bronco fame is an Idaho alum and has been talking the Vandals up for the past three weeks on ESPN.  I’m going to have jump on the Vandal bandwagon on this one only due to the fact that BSU has been whining about how great they are when they really aren’t.  They need to go down now so we can stop listening to them think they deserve to be on the big stage.  I don’t mind a TCU or even a Cincy but Boise has done absolutely nothing to impress me over the last month (ok – since Oregon) so I just want the smurfs to be quiet for a while so we can focus on the future of Idaho football.

Shadow: Congrats Idaho!  You get my vote.  Boise State- if you are wondering why I hate you, you can thank Eric Weaver who works for 5280 Solutions right down the road from your Smurf Turfed stadium.  His obnoxiousness about why if Boise State runs the table next year they will definitely be in the national title game made me start to feel intense hatred for all things Boise State. 

NFL:

Tampa Bay @ Miami

SD: The battle of the sunshine state.  I have never cheered much for the Dolphins, mostly because I had a long-running Marino vs. Elway debate with my huge Dolphin friend Doug. Actually I should say ‘have’ not ‘had’ because the debate still rages to this day – a full decade after Elway proved without a doubt that he was the better quarterback. Doug is just a little slow. Anyway, with that I would lean toward the Bucs – but don’t think I haven’t forgotten what they did to the incomparable Derrick Brooks this offseason and don’t think I haven’t immensely enjoyed every single point scored on this inept team. If Jay Cutler weren’t in the league, Raheen Morris might be the most hated NFL individual around PFB HQ these days. But, even my cheering for the Dolphins doesn’t change how much better Elway was than Marino.

Turner: Tampa Bay is on my sh**-list right now.   Why?  Because I was there a few weeks ago and wanted a tag-along (you know those peanut butter girl scout cookies) blizzard from Dairy Queen.  First off there is only 1 DQ in the entire city which blows my mind since you can find a wings place and a Waffle House on every corner.  And that 1 DQ didn’t carry the Tag-along brand of blizzard because “they aren’t very popular”.  I’m sorry, who just said that to me?  It was ridiculous that the Thin Mint or Samoa would be better in a blizzard than a tag-along…… I get back to Denver and within 24 hours, the Shadow has one on my desk.  That is service and quality that I expect from a city.  One that obviously that is something I can’t expect from Tampa Bay.  While I don’t know if Miami offers the tag-along, they can offer me a Cuban (sandwich or Cigar) and South Beach.

Shadow: Flowers……..Plumber……….Candygram.  How can you root against a team that plays in Landshark Stadium?  Go Dolphins.

[Editor Note: While that is a fantastic reference by the Shadow, no reader under the age of 30 is going to understand it – so let me just add  this]

Atlanta @ Carolina

SD: So, they aren’t in the same state – sue me. I can only work with what the NFL schedule makers gave me. But they are pretty close, especially when you factor in the Panther intentionally going with ‘Carolina’ rather than ‘North Carolina’ where they are actually located in the hopes of confusing South Carlinians into cheering for them as well. Which, given these are the people who believed that McCain had an illegitimate bi-racial daughter in 2000 and therefore inflicted 8 years of Dubya on us, is a reasonable assumption. Contrast this with the Falcons, who joined the league back in the days when the only reasonable name being the city where you are located (other than the greedy Patriots who preemptively claimed an entire region for themselves). It is almost a giant ‘F-you’ to the rest of Georgia. Basically saying, we don’t want your kind cheering for us. Judging by the number of empty seats at a typical Falcon game, this plan was a great success. But I like the elitism of going with the city name, so for that I am cheering on the Falcons in this one.

Turner: It annoys me that cities that generally have good weather have stadiums that are solely indoors.   For that reason, Atlanta needs to go down this week.  I use to hate them because of Vick but now I’ve moved on and can find other reasons and this week it is this one.  I like Jake Dehlomme (as my 5^th string starter in fantasy) so I hope they prevail.

Shadow: Seeing as it is Veteran’s Day, I will be rooting for the Air Force Fighting Falcons!  What?  Huh?  It’s the Atlanta Falcons?  Oh well, whatever.  Close enough.

Guess who’s back
Back again
Shady’s back
Tell a friend
Guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back
guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back..  

Eminem – Without Me

 Yes, after spending two weeks on ‘the continent’ I am finally back. Remarkably, in the last two weeks I have watched approximately 8 minutes of football (American football that is – I watched lots of EPL, La Liga and the Under-20 World Cup) – the Chicago/Pittsburgh game a couple weeks ago, standing in the sports bar in our Munich hotel at about 1 in the morning.

I won’t bore (or frighten) you with tales from my time in Europe – you aren’t here to hear about my Griswoldian adventure. I will just say that, if you ever have the opportunity to attend Oktoberfest, I highly recommend it. Especially if you are a fan of beer and the female chest. But you should be warned that after consuming that much beer, you may have a lot of strange biological reactions and need a multi-week break from beer afterward. Since I left Germany 12 days ago, I have had exactly 2 beers (not counting Guinness). Thankfully both Spain and France, where I spent the remainder of my trip are well known for their wine, so my beer-abstinence wasn’t too challenging.

For the record, I don’t believe Oktoberfest will cause you to need a couple weeks away from female chests.

So I am feeling a little out of it when it comes to football. I have missed two weeks of highs (Broncos 3-0 start, FSU over BYU) and lows (FSU losing to USF, Wes Welker and Tomlinson being injured and destroying my fantasy team). Combining two weeks of no football with consuming enough alcohol to kill a small Russian village, I feel like I have clean slate coming into this week. I have practically forgotten what these games look like.  

This makes me feel strangely good about the Hierarchy of Hate. There are no game-performance based biases hampering my view of these teams. I am approaching these games with more of a hatred virginity than I have had in years.

Turner: Oui, Oui!  We are so happy to have Super Dave back from over the large pond.  His 10+ years of service to his job has paid off in his expense free (except for drinks) trip to the great land of Europe.  We missed him dearly while he was gone, especially his beloved Seminoles.  It was probably best he missed that one, but not the greatness of the Broncos 3^rd win.  If they pull off three more in the next 9 weeks, it might be a miracle.  

Meanwhile, my stress level resumes after weeks of Idaho State and Tulsa as my Sooners head to South Beach.  This does not bode well, anytime my Sooners went to Miami to play Miami, it usually did not end up well.  I’m afraid this might be the case again….. <deep breath>….. at least we can root for the Shadow’s Hawkeyes….

Shadow: It’s Friday and I am feeling fine as both the teams I care about are still undefeated.  Iowa should continue that trend this weekend, but I am a bit worried for the Broncos against America’s Team.  Glad to have SuperDave back from the land of our foreforefathers.  I am sure the Old World got a taste of what they are missing, though.  On to the hate.

 The theme for this week, since I missed breakfast, is food.  Turner and I were debating the merits of a good hamburger the other day and came to the conclusion that right now Five Guys Burgers and Fries tops our list of “fast” but not “fast food” burgers.  So, whichever locale sports more of the famous red and white shops will get my support.

 College

Memphis @UCF

SD: In honor of my now completed vacation, I have decided to use as my factor this week: which place would I rather visit. I know – revolutionary stuff here. Just remember I was drunk on red wine and on a continent where Jerry Lewis and David Hasselhoff are gods when I came up with it. Anyway, this game is a perfect candidate as it allows me to decide between Disneyworld and Graceland. The obvious choice is Graceland as it is a tourist attraction thanks to it being the actual home of a real person, rather than the manufactured home of a cartoon mouse. However, I don’t recall Mickey Mouse stealing the music of black Americans and pretending to be a groundbreaker. Plus, after spending about 20 hours on planes, trains and automobiles yesterday, the idea that I could walk into Epcot and see a bunch of different cultures in one building sounds pretty good. Go Knights.

Turner: In this battle of the mighty Conference USA (Go Mustangs)….Usually I’m against colleges with the ‘central’ in it because they are useless but given the fact that UCF has put together a very competitive program AND they are the home of Daunte Culpepper, the only pro athlete that I’ve ever competed against (so dunked over him in high school basketball in Ocala, FL).  That has us joined at the hip so I feel like an honorary alumni of the school.  Go Knights.

Shadow: Zero for Memphis and 9 for Orlando.  Memphis- I love me a pulled pork sandwich with slaw on the top, but you need to get yourself some 5 Guys stores.  Go UCF.
Kansas St @ Iowa St

SD: As the polar opposite to the previous game, I picked two schools representing places you have absolutely no reason to visit. Manhattan, KS and Ames, IA are not high on anyone’s lists of dream vacations, unless they are big fans of cornfields and bad football. I will go with Iowa St. on this one. I hear they carve things out of butter at the Iowa State fair, so I guess that is something.

Turner: Three reasons to root for Iowa State… 1) if you name your city after a hip place in the Northeast and you are in Kansas, you suck  2)   If you wear Purple vs. the awesome yellow/ / red combination, you suck  3)  If you have to bring back a 90+ year old coach to try to attract today’s modern athlete, you are desperate (and suck).   Come on Cyclones….

 Shadow: I would say to throw both these teams out of the Big 12 and replace them with Boise State and CSU.  But I digress.  Hmmm, both have none.  All college towns need a 5 Guys.  Backup criteria:  distance to nearest 5 Guys.  K-State wins this one, and most likely the game as well.  Go Wildcats.  Meow!
 NFL:

NY Giants @ KC Chiefs

SD: Not much to like on either side in this game. It is hard to cheer for anything from New York, mostly because then you would have to hear about it from New Yorkers. A people that are so self-important they are pretty sure that the biggest inhibitor of the Chicago Olympic bid was its lack of New York representation. However, I just picked Iowa over Kansas above – can I really pick Kansas (ok, Missouri) over New York now? No I can’t. As much as I like the Plaza in KC, it ain’t New York.

Turner: One point of annoyance, when did it become cool to always say “The New York “FOOTBALL” Giants”.  Really?  Do we need clarification when we are in 2009 and discussion the NFL that we need to clarify with the word football?  Given that, I’m just done with them, they have everything against them on this one; geography, a QB named Eli, and they are playing against the great colored jerseys of the Cyclones again.   I just hope the Chiefs don’t shoot themselves in the foot 

Shadow: 1 for East Rutherford, NJ and 5 for KC.  Too bad it isn’t by state, as NJ would kill Kansas.  Too bad Giants fans.  It is all Chiefs in this one.

Cincinnati Bengals @ Cleveland Browns

SD: The battle of Ohio! Get it on! OK, I tried to generate some enthusiasm but I just can’t. This game sucks. And with the Bengals being pretty good, while the Browns play is reminiscent of something else that is the same color as their uniforms, it is probably going to be a blowout. So which city to visit? In a shocking upset, most likely nothing like the actual game, I am going with Cleveland. Someone once said that Cleveland Rocks, how can I argue with that?

Turner: I like cities you can shorten and nickname.  Cincy vs. Cincinnati is catchy.  What does Cleveland have, “Cleves”?  Ok Mateen.  Not one redeeming fact for Cleveland other than it gives the Shadow and SuperDave that tingly feeling when they routinely show the Browns getting destroyed by the “Drive”.  Oh – Cincy has that great Skyline (or Gold Star) Spaghetti Chili.  HMMMMMMM  

Shadow: Cincy has 3, Cleveland has none.  I think I agree with 5 Guys on this one.  Who wants to run a store in Cleveland?  The Fighting Ocho-Cincos take this one.  After watching Hard Knocks, who would have thought they would be a miracle play away from being undefeated?  Not me.