This time of year there are two types of articles being written about the NFL draft. The first are by ‘draftologists’, those life-less souls who spend their lives in preparation for those few hours each year where young men are herded into a building and sold into service to rich masters.

Wow, in print that really doesn’t sound like a good thing.

These guys all analyze the draft that has just taken place and announce which teams had the best drafts and which had the worst. These pronouncements being the definitive word on the draft despite not a single draft pick even completing their first offseason workout yet.

Coincidentally most of these experts rank winners based on how the teams drafted relative to the expert’s own prospect rating system. So, if a team thinks like the expert than they are ‘winners’; those that think differently are ‘losers’. That is convenient.

The other articles are written by ‘smarter than you’ sportswriter types pointing that we in fact have no idea who had the best draft and most likely won’t know for several years. These sportswriters all think that this is an original idea and think you are most likely not smart enough to realize this on your own so they dust off this same article year after year while scrounging up more anecdotes to drive this home. 

While I may have more in common with the second group than the first (since let’s face it, my hair is no way near as awesome as Mel Kiper’s and I do think I am much smarter than you), I am skipping both of these approaches.

Instead, let’s look at something that may actually have some basis in reality today.

Which draft prospects have the most pressure riding on them today?

Draft picks are not all created equal. Even picks near each other are not the same. A quarterback deemed ‘franchise savior’ has more pressure than an interior lineman even if drafted behind him.

So, who from the 2010 NFL draft will be shown in a montage before the first pre-season game while Billy Joel plays over them?

- Sam Bradford (Rams): It goes without saying that a quarterback drafted number one overall draft has tremendous pressure to do well, but that won’t stop me from saying it anyway. All of Rams Nation looks at Bradford as the savior to step in and resurrect their franchise. Adding even more pressure all of Cherokee Nation looks to Sam as role model to aspire to. Frankly, Cherokee nation might apply more pressure. After the last few years of ineptitude has decimated the population of Rams nation worse than the Trail of Tears.

- Trent Williams (Redskins) and Russell Okung (Seahawks): Both top six picks drafted by new head coaches to protect aging quarterbacks. Both of these coaches have made a lot of offseason moves to improve their team and let their fan bases dream of the playoffs but it all hinges on these guys stepping in from day one and keeping their QBs upright. As the opening sequence from The Blind Side proved in gruesome detail, when an aging quarterback can’t get out of the way of a rusher the results can be pretty revolting. And I am not just talking about Sandra Bullock’s fake southern accent.

- Tyson Alualu (Jaguars): Normally a defensive lineman for Jaguars wouldn’t be a high pressure position because a defensive lineman can rarely be successful by himself and…well, he is playing in Jacksonville, so who cares? But the Jags passed over local messiah Tim Tebow and drafted a player all of the experts agreed could be drafted much, much later. Basically, every time David Garrard throws an interception or the other team scores a touchdown there will be at least a portion of the Jags fans that blame Alualu. Out of the 17 Jags fans that exist I would guess at least 11 of them would blame Alualu – that is pressure!

- Maurkice Pouncey (Steelers): The next time quarterback Ben Roethlisberger is found with his hands on someone else’s butt it better be on new center Pouncey’s. That is a lot to ask of a rookie.

- Dez Bryant (Cowboys): After years of lamenting their lack of skill at the wide receiver as being the one thing keeping them from winning the NFC, the Cowboys bring in Bryant who was already under a microscope for being suspended after lying to the NCAA about his relationship with Deion Sanders. So, not only does Bryant need to prove he is mature enough to play in the NFL, he also needs to find a way to keep Tony Romo from going all heimlichy in every important game. He is only human people!

- Tim Tebow (Broncos): Already the fastest selling rookie jersey in history, not only does Tebow carry the burden of proving every draft expert wrong about his pro prospects but he also will decide Josh McDaniels’ fate as Broncos head coach. Tebow fails and McDaniels is gone: it is that simple. Beyond the pressure from the team there is also pressure from the evangelical community to prove that a squeaky clean virgin can be a successful NFL quarterback. Of course many of these people also idolize Sarah Palin and think Obama was born in Kenya, so they shouldn’t be too hard to impress. A shiny ball of foil might do the trick.

- Jimmy Clausen (Panthers): Clausen comes to the Panthers needing to prove that he isn’t the massive d-bag that everyone thinks he is. He also needs to prove that a quarterback from Notre Dame can be successful in the pros without resorting to jumping in the Hot Tub Time Machine and traveling back to 1986. On the bright side, after Panthers fans spent last year watching Jake Delhomme, as long as Clausen isn’t throwing to the other team as much as he does to his own receivers, he will be loved in Carolina. 

- Colt McCoy (Browns): Poor Colt McCoy. Despite several opportunities for both the Forty-Niners and Seahawks (two teams in need of a new quarterback whether they recognize it or not) to draft him, they passed on Colt and he fell to the quarterback cemetery better known as Cleveland. I feel bad for him. No quarterback has been successful in Cleveland since Bernie Kosar. And now Bernie seems like he is drunk all the time. All of the northern Ohio area is going to put pressure on Colt….ahh, who am I kidding. Following in the footsteps of Tim Couch, Brady Quinn and this year’s starter Jake Delhomme, if Colt can even get his pants on the right way, he will be a hero in Cleveland.

Especially once they meet his fiancée.

I am back today with my best suggestions as to who each NFC team should draft – whether they want to or not.

NFC East

Dallas Cowboys – Sitting in his War Room on Thursday, I imagine Jerry Jones will command his team to ‘go draft the best’. Afraid of their owner’s wrath, the Cowboys draft Jahvid Best despite a multitude of running backs on the roster. On the bright side, coming from northern California, Best should be able to help Jones expand his wine appreciation to some less popular labels.

New York Giants – After last season’s epic collapse of the Giants running game, there is a need to find some new blood for the Giants backfield. Dexter McCluster, the hybrid running back/receiver out of Ole Miss would finally give the Giants a playmaking threat. And it gives Eli Manning someone to reminisce with about all those crazy nights at the Ole Miss Alpha Delta Pi house out of earshot from the old ball and chain. Man, those AD Pi’s are WILD.  

Philadelphia Eagles – In the last year, the Eagles have jettisoned long time Safety Brian Dawkins, running back Brian Westbrook and quarterback Donovan McNabb. In steps Kevin Kolb at quarterback and LeSean McCoy at running back. Now, the Eagles can draft Eric Berry at Safety. There is no chance that Eagles fans could come up with bad names to call him with a last name like Berry. On the bright side, if that doesn’t motivate him to play well nothing will.

Washington Redskins – The Redskins just traded for a veteran QB that is occasionally shaky and prone to errors in big spots. If Shanahan’s handling of Jake Plummer in Denver is any indication, expect the Skins to draft a talented and arrogant quarterback with little history of winning in college. Coincidentally, that exact phrase is written on Jimmy Clausen’s business cards.

NFC North

Minnesota Vikings – Of course this time of year, there is one big question in Minnesota. Everyone needs to know when the team’s most important player will return. I for one am not worried about it. Joe Nathan’s replacement has done fine in the closer role for the Twins so far. As for that other guy. I would suggest drafting Jevan Snead out of Ole Miss as a potential ‘back-up plan’ but does any Viking fan really have the appetite for dealing with another quarterback out of Mississippi?

Green Bay Packers – In a year after Aaron Rodgers spent most of the snaps running for his life, the Packers need to get some more help on the offensive line. Mike Iupati, the guard out of Idaho is a perfect fit in more ways than one. He is a Samoan from the northwest rather than a redneck from the south, his name has too many vowels at the beginning of it rather than too many consonants at the end. He is the exact opposite of a certain player none too popular around Lambeau these days.

Detroit Lions – After addressing the offense over the last couple of drafts, the Lions need to start shoring up their defense. Gerald McCoy, the defensive tackle out of Oklahoma is a good fit. With a quarterback that couldn’t beat Florida in college and a wide receiver from a mediocre ACC team, it only makes sense to draft a defensive player that couldn’t beat Texas. Now the Lions may achieve their dream of being as good as a second rate college team. Quite a step up over the last few years for the Lions.

Chicago Bears – The Bears should trade up to draft Ndamukong Suh, to help fortify the defensive line with the release of Alex Brown and the inevitable Tommy Harris injury. Plus then Adewale Ogunleye won’t be the toughest pronunciation on the team. Oh wait, the Bears have no picks to trade up since acquiring Jay Cutler? Wow, that trade keeps paying big dividends, huh Bears fans?

NFC South

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – In his first year as head coach, Raheem Morris cleaned house of the veterans that made up one of the better defenses in the league. Now they are one of the worst. I don’t know who the Bucs could draft to improve them but I know one person they won’t draft: Myron Rolle. If Morris’s massive insecurity kept him from keeping Derrick Brooks on the roster, what are the odds he could handle Rhodes Scholar Rolle on his team?

Carolina Panthers – Taylor Mays, USC’s freaky athlete Safety, would be an immediate improvement for the Panthers secondary. And at 6’3”, 230 pounds, he is more than big enough to fend off any practice time attacks by Steve Smith.

Atlanta Falcons – Last year seemed to demonstrate that Michael Turner may have been a one-year wonder in Atlanta. Maybe it is time the Falcons look for another runner for Turner to split carries with. CJ Spiller is the best running back (and maybe athlete) in the draft. Plus coming from Clemson I am sure he is well acquainted with the Georgia Dome turf, home to the Chick Fil-A Peach Bowl where the 3^rd place ACC team annually plays.

New Orleans Saints – They may not need him, but really is there any other team that Tim Tebow should play for? They are named the Saints! During the next hurricane he can hold up the levies by himself.

NFC West

St. Louis Rams – Seeking to re-ignite the offense formerly known as the The Greatest Show on Turf, the Rams will draft Sam Bradford. Bradford is a natural fit after leading Bob Stoops record breaking offense at Oklahoma. As long as the Rams don’t play in a BCS Bowl, I have complete confidence in Sam being able to bring his collegiate success to the pros.

San Francisco Forty-Niners – Always seeking some talent to make their horrid quarterback situation look somewhat mediocre, the Forty-Niners recently traded for Ted Ginn Jr. The perfect player to complement Ginn would be Arrelious Benn out of Illinois. Like Ginn, Benn is an oft-injured, underperforming but speedy and talented wide receiver out of the Big Ten. See? Like they are twins separated at birth.

Seattle Seahawks – Brian Bulaga is the natural fit for the Seahawks. Not only could he potentially step in and address the massive gap left by Walter Jones’ retirement at left tackle but with a last name that sounds like a fish egg appetizer he would fit right at home in a town known best for throwing fish around.

Arizona Cardinals – the Cardinals are still looking for more help on the defensive side of the ball. This offseason they lost linebacker Carlos Dansby and Safety Antrell Rolle but picked up walking mouth Joey Porter and Rex Ryan regurgitation Kerry Rhodes. If the Cardinals draft USC defensive end Everson Griffen not only could he help fortify their defensive line but will also stand in as a hot tub buddy for Matt Leinart, a huge gap on the team currently. That is unless the Cardinals doubt Leinart’s starting ability and trade for Ben Roethlisberger. Big Ben and Leinart on the same team? The ladies of Arizona won’t know what him them. Literally.

I used to live in D.C. so it will always have a soft spot in my heart. However, there was always one thing that made me laugh: the utter overreaction to bad weather. When I lived there, Washington D.C., Virginia and Maryland once declared states of emergency 2 days before a hurricane arrived. When snow hits, the entire city shuts down for days. Even Sasha Obama thinks it is a little pathetic.

So, I guess if a few snowflakes can send the city into a near hysteria it shouldn’t be a surprise that the arrival of supreme egomaniac/legendary coach Mike Shanahan would unleash some sort of frenzy.

However I was not expecting them to pick up a Pro Bowler from their division rival, potentially overturning the entire NFC East in the process.

As I have already discussed, I think any team would be lucky to get McNabb. To give up the 37^th pick this year and a 3^rd or 4^th next year for the opportunity to have a proven winner come to town and lead a talented team that has been lacking direction and leadership? Not to mention the giant chip on Donovan’s shoulder coming from being dumped by his team to a division rival.

For the record, last year’s 37^th pick was Alphonso Smith to the Broncos. Please raise your hand if you would rather have Smith or McNabb?

Mrs. Smith, please put your hand down and stop lying.

If you want a sneak peek into what McNabb has in store for him in Washington, just look back at Jake Plummer. An erratic veteran quarterback is brought in by Shanahan to jumpstart a rebuilding effort. While he makes the team more successful, his unforced errors and outspoken personality slowly grates on control freak Shanahan until Mike is forced to go out and draft a high profile successor all but ensuring the veteran spends the following season with one eye on the pass rush and one on his back-up.

The price that the Redskins paid and whether Andy Reid and Howie Roseman made the right move by going all-in on a 4^th year pro will be debated endlessly until the season starts but that overlooks the two most interesting questions to come out of this entire transaction:

Question #1: What does Mike Shanahan not see in Jason Campbell?

Campbell has not exactly set the league on fire since being drafted by the Skins in the 1^st round of the 2005 draft but his passer rating has improved every season (76 to 86 in four years) amidst the national disaster that has been the Redskins. In four years he has had two separate head coaches and 3 or 4 offensive coordinators. Is it a coincidence that in his fourth year in the league and second under Jim Zorn he had his best season? Wouldn’t another year of maturity, some tutoring by a guy who fancies himself a Quarterback guru and a little more stability in offensive play calling only be good things for Campbell?

I don’t know what Shanahan didn’t see in Campbell but you have to imagine that some other team is going to be more than happy to pick up Campbell on the cheap and let him mature into a decent quarterback. Was McNabb an upgrade over Campbell? In the short term, if he can stay healthy, yes. However, out of all the areas of work needed by the Redskins was the guy who completed 64% of his passes for 3,400 yards really the most pressing need?

Question #2: Was this one last middle finger by Shanahan to his old boss in Dove Valley

Shanahan left his long tenure as Bronco head coach in less than perfect circumstances, being fired days after the completion of yet another mediocre, underperforming season. I like to think he was fired for not being willing to cede some authority over personnel decisions, an area where he distinguished himself through his ineptitude but, regardless, it is not hard to imagine some wounded feelings buried inside that leathery little body.

With the move to get Donovan McNabb for the Redskins, Shanahan has placed an ‘EVERYTHING MUST GO’ sign on Jason Campbell’s locker only a few weeks after his former compatriots in Denver went out and traded for Brady Quinn, another young quarterback with a poor record and lots of ‘potential’. Am I the only one that would think before signing Quinn, Josh McDaniels may have reached out to the Skins to check on Campbell’s availability? Is it too much of a leap to think Shanahan told the Broncos he wasn’t available (when he obviously would have been) merely out of spite? Could a grudge by Shanahan have been enough to keep him from trading Campbell to the Broncos even though, he knew Jason was already a Dead Man Walking in D.C.?

It is an unconfirmed fact that McDaniels talked to the Skins last year about swapping Cry Baby Jay for Campbell. Given that history, before sending (Shanahan favorite) Peyton Hillis and draft picks to Cleveland for Quinn this year, don’t you think a call would have been made to Redskins HQ to at least check on Campbell’s availability once again?

If you ask me, Shanahan decided that a decade of drafting busts and attitude problems didn’t do enough damage to the Broncos.

He couldn’t pass up one last opportunity to give them a short, tanned, leathery middle finger.

In some ways today is very different from the world in 2004.

In 2004, a huge budget science-fiction movie won the Oscar for best picture as well as 10 other Oscars. This year, a similar film lost in practically every category that matters.

In 2004, the last Oldsmobile was manufactured thanks in large part to GM’s inability to compete with the Japanese auto companies. This year, one of those Japanese companies can’t figure out how to keep their cars from running out of control.

In 2004, the Boston Red Sox was everyone’s sentimental favorite, lovable loser baseball team. This year, they are an underperforming, overpaid team with the most obnoxious fan-base in the country.

In 2004, Ronald Reagan died. This year, he was resurrected by Ron Howard and Jim Carrey.

But in one way, 2004 and 2010 are very similar. Jake Delhomme, LaDainian Tomlinson and Terrell Owens are three of the biggest stories in the NFL.

Three former super stars well beyond their playing primes are some of the marquee names still available in the NFL free agency. In 2004, every team would have vied for the services of the best running back, (possibly) the best wide receiver and one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL. Today, all three are greeted with the deafening sound of silence.

Today LT visited the Vikings and may be off to the Jets tomorrow. Delhomme’s name has been mentioned in connection with Cleveland. At the other end of Ohio, T.O. just departed Cincinnati and left such an outstanding impression that the Bengals immediately went out and signed Antonio Bryant whose ceiling as a player is as a less consistent Braylon Edwards.

In case you have forgotten – that isn’t good.  

So, where should each of these veterans end up?

Tomlinson

Current Interested teams: The Vikings and Jets are both looking at LT to replace the departed Chester Taylor and Thomas Jones respectively. Which is sort of like trading in your Hyundai Sonata for a Hummer. Sure the Sonata isn’t flashy or exciting but it is generally dependable. The Hummer was really cool several years ago but is now just a relic that needs constant attention.

If LT was replaced as a third down back by Darren Sproles in San Diego, I am not sure I understand the rationale of moving him into that role in Minnesota or New York. LT’s strength is getting in the end zone: he isn’t explosive anymore and doesn’t make people miss in the open field. Do you know what the strengths of both Adrian Peterson and Shonn Greene are? Getting in the end zone and the tough extra yard. Plus they maintain explosive ability and can make people miss. How does LT help either of these teams?

Where he should go: LT’s weakness is speed and explosiveness and an ability to break the big play. Doesn’t it make sense to pair him with someone that can do that but can’t take the play to play pounding? How about in Philly with LeSean McCoy? LT can take some of the hits absorbed by Brian Westbrook last year.

My personal favorite idea though is to move him to Chicago. Matt Forte is a nice quick running back that can catch the ball but last year demonstrated he isn’t ready to be an every down back. LT can come in and take the short yardage runs that stuffed Forte last year. Plus LT and Jay Cutler can share notes on how big of an a-hole Phillip Rivers is.

Delhomme

Current Interested Teams: Jake has visited Cleveland in the wake of Derek Anderson’s less than magnanimous exit. Derek made Jay Cutler’s whining and moaning exit last year from Denver look almost humble and appreciative. There have also been rumors that the Cardinals have debated bringing in Jake as a competitor or back-up to Matt Leinart, which is ironic given that it was the Cardinals in the playoffs over a year ago that picked off Jake 5 times and turned him into the quarterbacking equivalent of Charles Barkley on the golf course.

While thematically, I can understand why the Cardinals might be interested in Jake (just like Kurt Warner: picking up a formerly successful quarterback that has fallen on hard times in his last couple years), it is in the details that makes this scary. Warner was successful because of his accuracy. Jake’s accuracy is about as good as Rip Torn driving home after a night at the bar.

The idea of Jake trying to complete passes to the receiving corps in Cleveland is also absolutely frightening. If he can’t complete passes to some of the best receivers in the game (Steve Smith, for example) what would he do with the Browns contingent? Not to mention how his fragile mental state would handle boos reigning down from the Dawg Pound. If the Cardinals turned him into Charles Barkley as a golfer, the Browns could send him all the way to becoming Charles Barkley behind the wheel of a car.

Where he should go: Really Jake’s only value now is as a calming presence on the bench for a young QB entrenched as a starter that can in a worst case scenario come in and hand the ball off. How about Detroit? Their back-up last year was Daunte Culpepper. That might be the only position in the league where Jake is a step-up. Even on his worst day.

Owens

Current Interested Teams: With the Bengals signing Bryant and the Ravens nabbing Anquan Boldin and re-signing Derrick Mason there aren’t teams immediately on the horizon with an interest in T.O. Hard to believe that people aren’t beating down the door of a 36-year old, temperamental wide receiver with a history of calling out his quarterback and greatly overestimating his own abilities.

Where he should go: Isn’t it obvious? T.O. needs a coach that is not afraid of players with bad attitudes or players that are past their prime that have been given up for dead by their current teams. T.O. should definitely be the prime candidate for the Bill Romanowski memorial locker in Mike Shanahan’s Redskins locker room. If having a 6^th offensive coordinator doesn’t destroy Jason Campbell’s confidence, T.O. berating him and Shanahan drafting a rookie back-up to back him up should do it.

In 2004, we re-elected George W. Bush.

Could sending T.O. to D.C. today really end up any worse?

Seventeen straight weeks is a long time to pick who to cheer on in random NFL match-ups. There are only so many times you can pick against Jacksonville just for the hell of it. As we reach the end of the season when even NFL teams are starting to rest their players, we here at the THH keep soldiering on, in the firm belief that our playoff performance will be directly impacted by taking a week or two off and losing that winning rhythm that got us this far.

However, like the adults at that party in the Ice Storm (Anyone? Anyone?) we want to mix things up a little this week. We didn’t put names in a fish bowl and draw out new partners for the evening, instead we look at the match-ups and come up with some game to determine who to cheer on. This week, I handed the reins to Turner to come up with the trivia/theme/game we need to pick winners. I will spare you the 27 message email chain needed for me to understand what we were being asked and instead let him explain.

Turner: As we head into this last week of 2009, there are a lot of things to look forward to in 2010.  First off, please let me just rejoice in the thrashing that the Ponies put on Nevada.  I had a bit of a tear in my eye during half-time as they kept saying “these are the ponies of the 80′s”.  Now I’m not sure exactly what that could mean, it was either 1) they were playing like top 5 team in the country or 2) they must be paying these guys because that is the only way that team has seemed to actually perform.  I’m going to continue focusing on #1 as it gives me something to already starting planning my days around next September (sooooo far away).   

The other good thing about this week is that OU plays on Thursday, thus if they suck as they have all year, I can attribute it to 2009 and still have fondness in looking forward to next year.  If you take this, plus the Broncos will be undefeated in January (because they sucked in 2009 and missed the playoffs), the Nuggets will rally and at least make the Western Conference Finals and the Avs might actually sneak into the playoffs, the outlook of the Denver / Oklahoma / SMU sports scene can only go up!  Oh and there is that FSU visit to Norman next fall. That alone makes 2010 (and 2011!) something to look forward to!!!!!! 

This is also my official send-off for Bobby Bowden (2-13 SCOREBOARD)….  I hope he wins especially since SD is spending his personal money to go to Jax to see the game. I can honestly say I will likely NEVER spend my own money to go to Jax.  It sure will be nice to see a full stadium in Jax, this and the UF/UGA game are the only times each year (unless Kenny Chesney plays a show there)….

 For this week’s THH we went with “pick the game based on alumni from SD (FSU), The Shadow (Univ. Northern Colorado / Iowa) and Turner (the OU).  As with last week there seemed to be a lot of confusion for SD on how to interpret a little research project into actually doing research or at least be good at playing 20 Questions. I sure loved that game but maybe SD should have spent more time playing that then focusing on Spin the Bottle with my wife in middle school and high school.

(NOTE from SD: This is untrue. I didn’t know Mrs. Turner in middle school)

 This week’s games are as follows: 

 Representing Turner:  The Football NY Giants @ Minnesota Vikings (THE Rhett Bomar / Allen Patrick vs. Adrian Peterson)

 Representing SD:  Cincinnati Bengals (Laveranues Coles) @ NY Jets (Leon Washington)

 Representing the Shadow: Washington Redskins (Ladell Betts) @ S.D. Chargers (Vincent Jackson / Nate Kaeding)

 **interesting note: each of these match-ups features back-up RBs from each our respective colleges.  That should have been an interesting addition to the research, it makes me happy that FSU players are relegated to back-up status as well

Shadow: I personally thought the Broncos would go 6-10 this year at best.  At the absolute best.  So why do I find myself pining for 9-7 and a playoff spot?  I think it was that deceptive 6-0 start.  It just completely through off my Broncolibrium ™, and got me to thinking thoughts I shouldn’t have thought to think or thought.  I guess I will be disappointed when they don’t make the playoffs, and that disappointment is heightened just like last year by losing games we had no business losing (Oakland at home two years in a row….WHAT THE F*CK).

 So in Part Deux of Super Dave’s attempt to prove to me and Turner how hard this whole “theme” picking stuff is, he is letting Turner take the reins, and predictably Turner stepped up to the plate and nailed the jay.  He got all the parts of a quality THH theme email correct:  deceptive wording (“vested interest”), red herrings (“New York Football Giants”…is he implying some connection to the “baseball” Giants?), and pointing out the obvious (“in our past”…as opposed to us all suddenly becoming Nostradamus).  Dave and I rattled around ideas for a couple hours…with Dave doing virtually all the heavy lifting, and finally nailed his theme, which was Alma-Mater weekend.  Of course, it only really works for Super Dave, who multiple actual players from his alma-mater playing in the NFL right now….but I guess that is beside the point.  Turner and I will be using our “Ersatz Mater” for this one.

Actual phrasing of Turner’s Hint: Each of us has a vested interest in one of the games based on our past.  You must pick the game based on that criteria.

The Turner Bowl : Giants (Rhett Bomar/Allen Patrick) @ Vikings (Adrian Peterson)

SD: I have decided to go with a theme within a theme this week. I call it the Crime and Punishment playoffs. While each match-up features alums of our schools it also (maybe not so coincidentally) includes players that ran into some sort of trouble with either the NCAA or the law while in school. Maybe it is my inner-outlaw rearing its ugly head, but I have decided for this week that I am pro-criminal. So, given that Bomar was banished from Norman to Sam Houston State for receiving a pay check from a booster for a job he didn’t actually do <insert joke from Turner about my own career here> while Adrian Peterson, despite being a better player and working for the same booster, was never found of any wrong doing. I believe if you do the crime, you should do the time, therefore I cheer for the player with the best name for a fictional movie quarterback west of Colt McCoy and the rest of the Giants.

Turner: Reliving the OU Legacy here,  Rhett “would you like that Corvette in Blue or Red” Bomar vs. ALL DAY.  The Bomar just won’t go away.  Allen Patrick (back-up running back) was the initial focus on the Giants for this one. It might have even caused the Giants to win this THH but just like in college, he is being overshadowed by the greasy used car salesman himself, Rhett.  Here is the chain of events that leads me to a Vikings victory here:  OU lands 5 Star Recruit Bomar (which has NEVER been successful at OU)……Bomar comes on campus as the Golden Child and is mediocre……. He decides to sell cars (ok, not sell cars but get paid for being employed by a car dealership w/o actually showing up)  <INSERT TURNER NOTE:WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT, This is what SD does every day>  He gets kicked off team, OU still goes to BCS game and runs into Boise State and hasn’t shown up in a big game yet.  So yes, Bomar cost my beloved Sooners at least 2 national championships and has cost the Giant at least one win this December. (41 points to Carolina at home??).  A.P. will be running ALL DAY in this one.

Shadow: The battle of the NFL Sooners.  AD-AP and Rhett Butler.  As much as I admire Rhett for holding down one of my dream jobs (getting paid for not really doing anything..kind of like being an Executive Director…I kid, I kid…stop filling out that pink slip Turner), I cannot resist giving the nod to AP who was nice enough to not put up 200 yards and 4 TD against Da Bears, thus preserving for me the championship of my office fantasy league.  It’s the Vikings in this one.

The Super Dave Bowl: Bengals (Lav Coles) @ Jets (Leon Washington)

SD: There are so many reasons to cheer for Lav over Leon, this one is as one-sided next year’s OU/FSU game will be. I knew Lav while at FSU. He was there during FSU’s glory days. Leon’s disappointing season and broken leg helped kill my fantasy team this season. The Broncos need the Bengals to win. The Jets are located in (or adjacent) to New York. Most importantly, Lav was kicked off the 1999 Noles for receiving a 90% discount at Dillard’s (among other offenses). As I said above, since I live the oulaw life, I feel a kinship with those who ran afoul of the law. Keep fighting the Man, Lav!

Turner: Again here, bright shining star with some “Trouble” (a.k.a. This was Coles Nickname).  It all started with him being born in Jacksonville (karma since SD is headed there and that is what he is going to be in after spending 4 hours at The Landing on Thursday night).  Question:  When does $412.38 worth of clothing only cost you $21.40?  Answer: When you and Peter Warrick (currently playing for the Bloomington Extreme – wow) are shopping at Dillards. I actually don’t necessarily fault these guys for this b/c with the education level in Tallahassee, the sales clerk probably added up the numbers incorrectly.  I guess Free Shoes just wasn’t enough.

In addition to this let’s focus on the rest of his life in the 90′s: Coles was arrested in 1998 for batter, suspended for the Seminoles’ 99 Season Opener against Louisiana Tech for academic reasons, and discovered to have accepted a plane ticket from a sport agent representative in 1999

 All of this is contrasted with good ol’ Leon.  The interesting thing here is that Leon is also from Jacksonville.  Maybe SD could take a “let me see where these guys grew up” tour after the FSU game (think he’d make it 5 minutes – I’d say HELL NO)…. the only thing in Leon’s past was that he apparently gave an obscene gesture for his Bowman’s rookie card (since removed – I’m sure it wasn’t an obscene gesture but more giving the classic “J” sign that is ingrained in all of us from Jax)

 With all of this, it think it is safe to say that the J-E-T-S will win this one, but only if they survive.  Only hope the Bengals have is to maybe distract them with Lav’s cubic zirconium that he purchased for $1.99.  Good thing they are playing in NY where I’m sure he can also get a Rolex off the street. 

 (oh – and with this THH win, the Broncos are officially eliminated from the playoff, yet another reason to hate FSU)

Shadow: Wow, both New York teams this week…who knew Turner was a member of the supposed East Coast media bias.  This one is for Bobby Bowden’s lads, of which, sadly, there will be no more.  I think it is fairly safe to say that there will never be any more coaches in the future with the legacy of a Bobby Bowden, as our 24/7 full-access media bloated society will likely never allow a coach to spend 30 some odd years at one school.  And that, my friends, is sad.  So we have Laverneous versus Leon.  Call me old-school, but I tend to prefer runners over receivers.  Someday soon Leon will be teaming with Shonn Greene and Mark Sanchez to create a formidable backfield for the Jets.  Of course, they will probably still underachieve enough to make Greenie lament their woes each morning on ESPN Radio.  But, here and now, they still get my pick.

The Shadow Bowl: Redskins (Ladell Betts) @ Chargers (Nate Kaeding/Vincent Jackson)

SD: When I initially decided to go with the Law & Order theme for my personal THH entries this week, I asked the Shadow if any of the involved Northern Colorado or Iowa players had ever faced legal or compliance issues. He responded: The only thing illegal happening in Greeley were bad pick-up lines.  And no Hawkeye football player would ever dare to get into legal issues….that is what the basketball team is for.

While this may be true specifically for these players apparently Shadow forgot that every program runs into legal problems. Some worse than others. For example, there once was a school where the back-up punter was so desperate to start, that he decided the best way to win the job was not out-kicking the starter but rather stabbing him in the leg (Bronco fans recognize this as the same approach used by Mitch Berger this season). That school? Shadow’s alma mater – UNC of course! So in honor of Mitch Cozad I am going with fellow UNC alum Vince Jackson and the San Diego Chargers (sorry, UNC alum and Redskin Reed Doughty, I am playing by Turner’s rules this week).

Turner: I’m a big fan of Vincent Jackson (a.k.a Wild Child).  I can count the number of NFL Players from Colorado on one hand and Vincent leads the pack.  He is a stud and should be recognized as such.  Nate Kaeding (“Big Game Nate” and “Mr. Automatic” (Do you lose your nickname if you miss 4 straight FGS in the playoffs???) has a few interesting notes about him, he is only at S.D. because of the whole Eli Manning / Phillip Rivers trade.  Quite possibly if that hadn’t happened then the Giants would have never won that Super Bowl (but I guess then the Patriots might have – ugg) and that would just enhance everything about the origin of the THH philosophy around the hatred of NorthEast Sports Teams. Ladell Betts has nothing on him either, he is from Kansas City, he is from a single mom household who worked three jobs to keep Ladell fed.  That is a great story.  I really have no reason to pick against any of these players so this one went to OT and ended in a tie.  Yes, there is a possibility of ties in THH when you either hate both teams equally or you really don’t hate either one at all based on the criteria. 

Shadow: This one had to be the most difficult game for Turner to find, since there aren’t exactly a ton of former Hawkeyes in the ranks of the NFL.  He chose well.  Ladell Betts versus Nate Kaeding.  My favorite thing about Ladell?  In 2000, every yard the Hawkeyes gained rushing was by Betts.  I am not sure if that says more about consistency, or about really unimaginative play calling by the Iowa staff.  In the NFL he has never really gotten a chance to be the full time starter for any length of time, and has to be simply considered “serviceable”.  Kaeding, on the other hand, is Iowa’s all time leading scorer, and is now an All-Pro kicker in the NFL (despite missing some key FG’s in playoff games).  I am going with the kicker in this one, plus San Diego has also been friendlier to the Hawkeyes over the years (Kevin Kasper, Tim Dwight, Scott Chandler, Mike Goff, Ronnie Harmon).  Go Bolts!

For this week’s THH, with only NFL games to pick from (I refuse to acknowledge the New Mexico Bowl or St. Petersburg Bowl) I resurrected the theme approach – adding a level of complexity to our usual free-for-all picking approach.

Our three games this week are rematches of games played years ago and the rules are that we cheer for the team we would have cheered for back then. I didn’t tell Turner or Shadow what the common thread was between these games but instead used hints that the games played before had been ‘historically important’.

This choice of words set off a firestorm of email traffic as it quickly became apparent that based on the phrase ‘historically important’, the two of them had spent hours trying to determine what the common theme could be. Of course, they were in Jacksonville at the time, so it isn’t like they had anything better to do.

Needless to say they greatly overthought what could have been historically important about these three games. They actually arrived at the correct answer very quickly but moved right past and kept looking. Sort of like when my friend Greg and I were driving to Key West for the first time and we were excited to see the Seven-Mile Bridge but didn’t think we would ever get there because the bridge we were driving across just seemed to go on forever.

Anyway, this started a great debate on what constitutes ‘historically important’ which is probably 14 times more interesting than the resulting THH picks.

If a game is important at the time it is played (hypothetical example that might have something to do with today’s THH: AFC and NFC Championship games) but nothing about it stands up to time (compare: Dwight Clark’s ‘Catch’ in 1981 versus the following year’s Redskins vs. Cowboys game – and yes, I had to look up who the Redskins played) – is it historically important?

Games are certainly important to those that have a personal connection to the game – if your favorite team was the Redskins in the early 80’s, that 1982 game might be one of your greatest memories. But what about the rest of us? If the Cowboys had beaten the Redskins, would my life be different in any way, other than dealing with the ridiculous Cowboys bandwagon being rejuvenated a decade early? If I have no distinct memories of a game I most likely watched – does that mean it was unimportant?

If an important game was played yet nothing memorable happened – if the context of the game were taken out of consideration and the game played was no more remarkable than any of the 448 regular season NFL games that season – would the game be considered historic in hindsight?

Maybe I am in the minority, but I say yes. Ok, I know I am in the minority (at least among THHers). It doesn’t matter to me what happened on the field as much as the context of the game. Of the 43 Super Bowls played – how many individual plays can you remember today? Even the biggest NFL fan would only remember 3-4 plays per game. Hell, half of the Super Bowls were so boring or unwatchable that their only redeeming qualities were the commercials. For anyone that wasn’t there, the only reason most of us remember any plays at all are NFL Films. For any games before 1990 how many plays do any of us remember watching live?

Super Bowl XX in 1985 featured one of the greatest teams (the ‘85 Bears), greatest players (Walter Payton) and longest necks (Steve Grogan – #2 all-time behind Merton Hanks) in NFL history yet I literally remember nothing (that was the year they experimented with 60-second blank screen, overloading sewers nationwide) as much or more than I remember any particular play.

I don’t think Turner is even stubborn enough to argue that a Super Bowl is not historic, yet his feeling was that none of the games I picked this week were historic despite their determining one of the participants of that season’s Super Bowl. Last time I checked ‘memorable’ and ‘unforgettable’ are not synonyms for historically important.

Turner and Shadow were so disgusted by my labeling of these games as historically important they have decided to boycott this week. In fact, I think I hear them outside picketing right now.

This is yet another reason I wish I was friends with Chuck Klosterman so he could definitively resolve when a game is historically important.

NFL:

(Actual phrasing of email that started it all: The following 3 match-ups pair teams that met in important games that have something in common. Your job is to pick the game based on who you would have cheered for in that historically important game.)

Cincinnati @ San Diego (1981 AFC championship Game)

SD: Sure, you could argue that if I say I would have cheered for the Bengals, it is revisionist history based on my current hating of the Bolts but that isn’t strictly true. One of my best friends in 1983 was a huge Chargers fan. Like many childhood friends, in hindsight I didn’t really like him. You could say he was my frienemy or (to borrow from Chuck Klosterman again) my nemesis. Just to agitate Joel I would have been cheering against the Chargers in this game. Looking backward and using Dan Fouts’ subsequent announcing career and Ken Anderson’s rocking porn-stache as deciding factors only re-enforces my instincts at the time.

Oakland @ Denver (1977 AFC Championship Game)

SD: When this game was played I was still counting my age in months and pooping in my pants. Which may help explain why I would have cheered for the Raiders in this game – since I assume all Raiders fans still poop in their pants. At the time I was living in Kansas and to be honest had never even heard of the state of Colorado before my parents told me we were moving there a few years later. So as much as I want to write this as a tribute to the Barrel Man (who actually started in an Orange Crush can in honor of the Broncos defense), I can’t. I would have cheered for the Raiders in this one. And then I would have crapped my pants – even my bowels knew it was wrong to cheer for the Raiders.

NY Giants @ Washington (1986 NFC Championship Game)

SD: Today, this Giants team is glorified by the east coast biased media, as an all-time great. Yes, they had a great defense – especially for a bunch of guys drowning in piles of coke and whores but can we really forget that this offense relied on players like Mark Bavarro and Phil McConkey to catch passes from Phil Simms’ feathered hairdo? That is an all-time great team? The Redskins on the other hand had the Hogs and the Smurfs and Dexter Manley (to appeal to the coke and whores crowd) – how could you cheer against them? Even if their quarterback was Jay Shroeder. I loved the Smurfs.