Last night, we finally got to watch the basketball game we have all been waiting for. A star left the only team he had played for in the league and tonight was a long awaited return against the team he abandoned. He took this team to unprecedented playoff success but could never bring home a title and since he left the team is an empty shell of its former self.

But enough about Jason Richardson and the Suns/Warriors game.

I am too worried about my Noles playing the Hokies for the ACC title and an Orange Bowl berth to get too excited about the NBA tonight. On the one hand, since their epically embarrassing loss to James Madison in week #2, VT has been the best team in the ACC. But on the other, historically FSU has owned Virginia Tech. I think the Noles are something like 13-1 against the Hokies including a national title game, a Gator Bowl, an ACC title game and the most recent game in 2008.

Basically, a legitimate argument can be made for either team. Unlike that game in Cleveland last night, either team can win. Sure, there isn’t the sub-plot of a former player returning to the community that embraced and loved him in the FSU/VT game as there was last night, but there is a championship on the line and more importantly the game may actually be close.

 The melodrama of the city scorned lasted right up until tip-off when the Heat destroyed the Cavs and broke the hearts of Cleveland fans again. It must hurt to not only lose but be laughed at by the very guy who you had come to trust and love more than any other. He was one of your own, he betrayed you and then came back and then rubbed your face in the dirt.

I know Zydrunas Ilgauskas really hurt the city of Cleveland but I have bigger things to worry about.

Shadow: My team has accumulated 5 losses and will still possibly go bowling on New Year’s Day.  I honestly don’t know whether to be happy or sad about that.  Mostly, angry, I guess.  These types of years don’t come around very often for Iowa.  Favorable schedule with most difficult games at home….20 returning starters…..pre-season Top 10 ranking.  Not happy to see us piss that away mostly due to a defense that was our supposed strength not being able to hold leads in the last 5 minutes of games.  Grrrr.  And of course, don’t even get me started on the Broncos.

College: Crime & Punishment Division   

Auburn vs. South Carolina: Should Cam Newton be allowed to play in this game based on NCAA findings this week. Yes, cheer for Auburn; No, cheer for  South Carolina

SD: The NCAA continues to baffle me. As far as I can tell, they simply decided it would be too messy to declare Newton ineligible right now with Heisman and national championship on the line so they gave him a free pass not realizing they are going to be exposed as hypocrites when they change the rule or find him guilty later. Alternatively they now allow any highly recruited athlete to be pimped out *unknowningly* by a family member to the highest bidder. I’m guessing Christie’s or Sotheby’s is on the phone with Tom Lemming about a joint venture as we speak. It would only be fair for South Carolina to win, screw up the BCS and make a mockery of the entire season. Make it a worse mockery than the NCAA has already done, to clarify.

Shadow: Call me completely cynical, but if TCU wasn’t breathing down the neck of the championship game or Auburn had lost the Iron Bowl, something tells me the Cam Newton story this week would be all about vacated wins and season ending suspensions….not quietly announced less than 24 hour suspensions and reinstatements.  Guess I have to go with the Ol’ Ball Coach’s team on this one.

USC vs. UCLA: Should USC be eligible for a bowl? Yes, cheer for USC; No, cheer for UCLA

SD: I’m sorry I didn’t realize Reggie Bush’s mom was playing for this USC team. Why else would a bunch of kids be penalized for something done by a player that was at USC when these kids were still getting under the table payments from boosters of the expensive private high schools they each attended? If Cam is free to play this weekend after being found guilty of basically the same thing Bush was found guilty of, why should USC be paying a price all this time later? I recognize that the only ways Lane Kiffin could be more unlikable would be if he convinced LeBron to film The Decision or introduced Tiger to his first skank, but that doesn’t change that I think USC got jobbed.

Shadow: Based on the NCAA’s new interpretation of their own stupid by-laws, then I absolutely say USC’s ban should be lifted and they should be eligible.  The NCAA is more out of touch with each day that passes.  Plus, I hate Slick Ricky.  Go Condoms.

NFL: Rust Belt Livability Index: Which city would you rather live in?

Buffalo @ Minnesota

SD: In fairness to Buffalo, I have never been there, so an impression that it is all chicken wing places hidden behind 7 feet of snow is really more hearsay then personal experience. OJ Simpson was happy there for several years and never in that time went crazy and killed anyone (at least as far as we know) so how bad can it really be? But I like Minneapolis. It is one of the few upper-midwestern cities I could almost imagine living in. Though Randy Moss told me the food isn’t so good, I will ignore Randy’s advice (he’s from West Virginia after all, he probably just misses the fine dusting of coal that adds that special seasoning in the Mountaineer state) and say rock on Minnesota.

Shadow: Minnesota has access to all 4 major sports (and several lakes, according to their license plates).  Buffalo has wings.  Hmmmm……..that actually makes it a pretty close battle, but I choose Minnesota. 

Pittsburgh @ Baltimore

SD: I’ve spent a lot of time in Baltimore. Ok, it was mostly going to Orioles games and wandering the Inner Harbor, not cruising the back streets The Wire style, but I like the place. I’ve only spent a weekend in Pittsburgh so my experience is less but I have to admit, I was impressed by it. The difference however, comes down to one thing: Steelers fans (see preseason THH for longer rant). They annoy me. Being surrounded by them 24×7 would be torture for me even crueler than anything devised by the Bush regime. After an entire summer spent pretending to be mad at Ben Roethlisberger it sure didn’t take long for the city to re-embrace their little sexual deviant once the season started. Why? Because assaulting girls in Georgia is one thing – football is entirely different. You know there are more than a few Steeler fans who would happily shove their daughters into that bathroom with Big Ben and brag about it to their jealous friends later.

Shadow: Although I am sure this is not true, all I think of when I think of Pittsburgh is the depressing steel mill from the movie All the Right Moves combined with that really crappy JCVD vehicle Sudden Death.  Neither of these things endears me to life in Three Rivers land.  Baltimore gives me access to all of the national monuments in DC that I have never visited but really want to.  No contest.

Hi, my name is Dave and I hate the BCS

<Hi Dave>

I am firm believer that the BCS is a waste of time and the NCAA needs to do one of two things: (1) revert to the classic bowl system to keep tradition alive and acknowledge that chaos will reign on occasion or (2) figure out a playoff system. The BCS system or anything else in between is as uncomfortable and joyless as a Viking win is for Vikings fans this season. Sure, it means a win for their team but it also means if they do too well they could be stuck with Brad Childress for another year.

With that in mind, as well as my general dislike for the NCAA as a governing body, I have decided this year I am all-in for complete chaos. Not only do I want Auburn to make the BCS title game with possible forfeiture of all their games hanging over their heads but I want Cam Newton to win the Heisman also. In a perfect world, he wins the Heisman and Auburn wins a spot in the BCS title game and then all allegations are found to be true on about December 26th. What happens then?

Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling!

Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes…

The dead rising from the grave!

Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!

Ok, maybe not all of that. But have you noticed a serious uptick in zombies lately?

Coincidence?

The institutional bureaucracy that the NCAA has created seems designed specifically to drag out any investigations of wrong-doing for as long as possible, so as to not distract from the play on the field. When it has come to the allegations against Cam Newton the NCAA has reacted slower than the Bush White House did in sniffing out the leaker in the Valerie Plame case. But in a 24×7 internet-fueled news-cycle, this can’t last. Especially not if the Feds start looking around as well. The NCAA can try to delay and delay but it will only harm them more in the end. Especially if it comes out that the NCAA had the information all along but slow-played it to get through the season first.

After years of hypocritical money-grubbing the NCAA has backed itself into a corner.

With coaches making millions and vague promises of millions to come later to their recruits, it was only a matter of time until those same recruits decide to jump the gun on receiving some of those benefits.

After the NCAA spent years designing a football championship system to specifically reward its largest members with even more money, it was only natural that other worthy contenders stand up and yell ‘what about us?’

This year we have a perfect storm – two outsiders with legitimate arguments that they deserve an invite to a party and a big-dog that may have been caught with it’s paw in the Milk-Bone container.

NOTE: After last weekend, I have also decided Boise State would beat Auburn handily in a bowl game. Boise has proven repeatedly that they can find a way to slow down a faster, more talented offense (Va Tech this season, Oregon and TCU last season, OU back in 2007) but after watching the freshman Aaron Murray of Georgia pick apart the Auburn defense for 4 quarters I am sure Kellen Moore could throw for 400 yards and 5 TDs against them.

The NCAA’s relentless pursuit of more money for its privileged institutions was inevitably going to lead to its demise. They staved off killing college basketball when cooler heads prevailed over expanding March Madness to 96 teams.

What happens if or when they have a team playing for a championship that has already been deemed illegitimate?

Mass hysteria? Or worse.

If we do end up with human sacrifice, I have an idea on the first slate of candidates.

On to THH this week. More themes because, well, we have pretty much exhausted most interesting match-ups over the last three years and Turner and Shadow keep telling me how much they enjoy the themes.

Right before they don’t participate.

Actually, somebody made it this week, so my scorn is limited to one of my cohorts.

Shadow: My consistency in getting my blog post written is similar to the Broncos this year.  Sometimes it’s a double-digit drubbing of KC, and sometimes I am getting my ass handed to me by the hated Raiders.  I am also fighting a semi-bad case of the “I just don’t care anymore”, partly due to Iowa losing games it has no business losing, the Broncos sucking, and all of my fantasy teams tanking.  It has been a challenging football year….but at least it is Ohio State weekend.  Beating them will still give me reason to be happy over this somewhat “lost” season.

College: (The Your Enemy is My Enemy Division)

Virginia Tech @ Miami – Pick the game based on who Super Dave hates more

SD: This may surprise you but I am going with the Hokies here. Sure I could lament the fact that my Noles trounced the Canes on the field and have the same record yet sit several spots behind them in the polls but it is precisely because of that trouncing I can’t hate the Canes too much. Despite the hopes and dreams of Kirk Herbstreit and much of the national press, the Miami of old ain’t coming back any time soon. Randy Shannon may be a great recruiter but, for all appearances, his coaching skills are on par with Dan Hawkins. How can you hate something so sad and pitiful? Va Tech, however every year gets all the hype with none of the performance. If any team gets more unwarranted free passes from the experts for throwing up at least one stink-bomb per year I don’t know who it is. The ridiculous Beamer Ball cliché gets trotted out in every VT game more often than Jay Cutler throws interceptions. So, yes, today I hate VT more than the Canes.

Shadow: Wow.  This is kind of tense, like a test or something.  Even though Mike Vick’s brother was a chest stomping fool in his Va Tech days, I have to believe that SD harbors more hate for that Halfway House posing as a college in southern Florida.  It’s bad enough when they were having success….it’s even worse how their alums are some of the most pathetic bandwagoners around.  The U having a good year?  Sidelines full of former Canes.  A down year (or series of years)…and suddenly everyone has better things to do.  Go Hokies.

Nebraska @ Texas A&M – Pick the game based on who Turner hates more

SD: Tough call, as I know a bad taste sits in Turner’s mouth from his trip to Lincoln last fall (and not just from the jell-o shots he did) but I am going with the Aggies. With OU’s recent embarrassing loss to A&M fresh in his mind as well as some lingering sub-conscious resentment that he didn’t go to a school that encouraged you to make out with a co-ed after each touchdown (really his best chance at making out with a girl), I think it is ‘down with Lassie’ all the way for him today.

Shadow: Texas A&M has given Turner his most recent pain, but having to sit through the loss in Lincoln last year, and all of the grudge matches through his formative years, has to keep the Huskers on top of this 2 team hierarchy.  Aggies all the way.

NFL (SAT-like Quarterback Theoreticals Division)

Your team is trailing 27-21 with 2 minutes left in the Super Bowl. Your team has the ball on its own 17 yard line but your quarterback’s ACL just blinded a 7-year old in the 4^th row on the last play. Which of the starting quarterbacks in each game do you pick the lead your team and why.

(For the record this is an interesting game for A LOT of matchups this week)

Buffalo @ Cincinnati

SD: I picked this match-up because this includes a couple equally underwhelming quarterbacks: Ryan Fitzpatrick of Buffalo and Carson Palmer of Cincinnati. One of these two was a Heisman trophy winner at USC. The other went to noted football factory Harvard. I am going with the old Harvard Yard,  Fitzpatrick. Palmer has had plenty of opportunities over the years to lead his team to a big victory and he has consistently failed. At least Fitzpatrick doesn’t carry around that sort of baggage. He can go into this 2-minute drill with the same inexperienced cockiness of the Winklevoss twins. And even if he does fail to win the game, he can probably make it up to me by making me a small fortune on Wall Street.

Shadow: The easy and flashy answer here is that one-time can’t miss Trojan.  But here is my biggest problem with him.  I honestly want the QB to be the leader of my team.  Let’s be honest.  Carson has never been the leader in that locker room or that organization.  I don’t really care what his athletic skills may or may not be….he cannot lead.  Ryan Fitzpatrick may not be in any spotlights right now…but that may be good for him, as his shortcomings aren’t front and center either.  Plus he is young.  I will take youthful and energetic over a non-leader like Palmer any day.

Indy @ New England

SD: In the polar opposite of our first match-up we have two of the very best quarterbacks to choose from. However this one is pretty easy to pick. Brady has been in this situation twice and owns two rings to show for it. Manning was in this situation last season and Tracy Porter now has a ring to show for it. And, for those with memory loss, Porter doesn’t play for Manning’s team.

Shadow: Come on.  Peyton’s commercials are legendary compared to Mr. Bieber-head.  I liked Peyton’s SNL better than Brady’s too.  This question all really comes down to the supporting cast.  If I have play-making WR’s and a great TE, I am picking Peyton.  If I have just marginal positional players, I want Brady in there.  To me, Brady can raise the level of players around him, while I think Peyton thrives on having a supporting cast that is a notch above, and gets frustrated when he doesn’t have that.  Peyton may be one of the best at adjustments and audibles before the snap, but Brady is the much better improviser once the ball is in play…and in a two minute drill that is what really matters.  Give me Tom.

A few short hours ago the college football season started again. Every player slept last night with visions of an undefeated, Boise State–esque run dancing through their minds. For the vast, vast majority of them that dream will come crashing down harder than Vincent Chase in this coming weekend’s Entourage. Even, ironically enough Boise State themselves. For half of the teams that undefeated season will actually end this weekend.

This weekend always feel like we are almost cheating – that we don’t deserve football already. It isn’t even Labor Day – the unofficial end of summer. There is no NFL yet we have a full slate of college games. Maybe that is why I am so forgiving of college teams having a creampuff game this weekend. Since it almost shouldn’t count anyway, why not start with an easier game? The older professionals that have been working together all spring and summer get 4 warm-up games, why shouldn’t a team made up of players that may not have even met until just a few weeks ago?

Or maybe I am just feeling charitable since I have been without college football since January.

Anyway, with the return of college football we are back with our first official Hierarchy of Hate for this football season. With no pros playing, we have a shortened schedule of picks here as well and with only a few decent games our pickings were a little slim. I don’t care who Turner and Peffer are cheering for in the riveting South Dakota-Central Florida game, so why should you? Although if either of them compared each of the faces on Mt. Rushmore to the most similar Disney character, it might have made it worthwhile. For the record, I would go with: Washington = Mickey, Lincoln = Goofy, Jefferson = Pluto and Roosevelt = Donald. But that is just me.

Turner: The year officially begins on Thursday night although New Year’s Day is really Saturday.  Call it the start of the fiscal year (losing money to stupid bets and Vegas odds) or turning another year older, football season is when the year officially starts.  With that, there is no better way to prepare for this New Year than with the first official edition of the Hatred (THH) List.  Before we go into this week’s picks, did anyone realize that Super Dave and Kirk Herbstreit are on the same the Ohio State bandwagon.   It has made me nauseous a bit reading that last post but I want you to realize that he is NEVER right, so the fact that we can almost guarantee that OSU and/or Texas will now fail this year makes me happy.  Not sure if this is subconscious on his part or if he really believes.  I hope for his mental state it is the former.  If it is the latter, and it comes true, then Tebow save us all.

Peffer: As an astute SuperDave pointed out this afternoon (possibly also prompted by Sportguy’s near constant adulation on Twitter) today is 9-02-10.  For those of us who were in our teens or early 20′s in the early 90′s a certain FOX show about a pair of fraternal twins from Minnesota trying to blend in with the rich and pretty folks at West Beverly High was the very definition of “Must See TV”, long before NBC ever coined that phrase.  Despite all of the principal actors being much older than the characters they were playing, it was refreshing to find a show that focused on our demographic and brought to light the types of problems we faced (disclaimer:  I never lost my virginity to a brooding millionaire, exposed a steroid scandal on the school track team, or tried to stalk any group as horribly uncool as “Color Me Badd”).  In all honesty, however, this show did have a major cultural impact on my generation, and despite the fact that it hung on about 5 seasons too long (what show in the 90′s didn’t?), those first 4 seasons hold many good memories for me.  In honor of the day, I am dedicating my THH to Brandon, Brenda, Dylan, Kelly, and the gang, with each team represented by a cast member.

LSU @ North Carolina

SD: Not really ‘at’ North Carolina as this is the annual season kick-off bloodbath from the Georgia Dome. I think the SEC uses this game to distract the country from the rest of the conference’s abysmal non-conference schedules – to brainwash pollsters to always believe teams like Tennessee, Georgia and South Carolina should be mentioned when talking about a team’s strength of schedule. Does the SEC really need more help in the PR department right now? First, we have the AD from Texas A&M say that his team isn’t good enough to play in the SEC, and now we are going to follow it two days later with a middle-of-the-pack SEC team decimating one of the higher profile ACC teams. Sure, UNC is overrated every year, their coach has never won anything yet is lumped in the category of ‘great college coaches’ and they could be playing without several starters (thanks to, ironically, SEC player-like behavior from them) but that won’t change the fact that the SEC will once again plant a flag in pollsters minds that they are the best conference in the land. I always laughed at those idiots that chant ‘SEC, SEC’ at games but with a country of Manchurian pollsters out there, I guess it is time to fight fire with fire…I mean fight stupid cheers with stupid cheers. ACC! ACC! ACC!

Turner: North Carolina better have a plan when it puts its JV squad out for this game since many of their freshmen took their talents to South Beach this summer.  Who do you hate more, the evil empire of the U vs the in-state hatred of Okie State?  Have to pull the rank on the hatred of the U for the era of Jimmy Johnson and yet, Butch Davis.  Les Miles was never a blip on the radar except for his flirtation with Michigan (why did they want him that much – so overrated, though probably better than Richy Rod and his complete adherence to NCAA rules).  If your resume has The U and Cleveland though, I just can’t support your team.  You have to be that hated team this week.  Geaux Tigers.

Peffer: LSU @ North Carolina:  Dylan Mckay vs. Jim Walsh.   If you have ever seen Death Valley (aka Tiger Stadium) on a hot and humid Saturday night, then you will know it is the perfect football representation of 90210′s resident bad boy.  Jim Walsh rocks the keyboard, raises his eyebrows alot, and is a perfect match for a UNC school that for all intents and purposes, will always just be a basketball school.  Dylan and Jim had some epic fights over one Brenda Walsh, and yet, in the end, they grew to respect each other.  I think this contest will be a little closer than people suspect, and North Carolina will also earn the respect of LSU.  In the end though, you have to go with the Young Turk, and the LSU Tigers.

Washington @ BYU

SD; Writing this from deep in the heart of Husky country, you would think I am overly biased in this game but that didn’t stop freshman QB and Sammamish, WA native Jake Heaps from spurning the Huskies to go to Provo. Now his first collegiate game could be a win over the local team he stiff-armed. Just the luck of Seattle sports fans. Actually that isn’t true. With the Seattle sport fans’ recent luck it would happen the same day that Tim Lincecum throw a no-hitter versus the Mariners, the former Seattle SuperSonics sign LeBron James, Charlie Whitehurst is named starter for the Seahawks and Apple buys Microsoft. But Heaps beating “The Sasquatch” Jake Locker would be bad enough. For my people, I must cheer on the purple and gold.

Turner: The Tebow lovefest of 2010 starts on Saturday with Mr. Locker.  Super Dave is in love, it is very cute to watch him curl up with his College Football previews like most guys cuddle up to their new edition of Maxim.  This love fest will spill over to the nation except for the Mormon world.  The Huskies with their fluffy, shedding dog are certainly lovable.  BYU is on the hated list this year for many of the reasons that that Nebraska was voted to the hated list last week from an overall national perspective.    Is the Mormon nation seceding from the Union circa Texas in the 1800’s.  I think we should just let them go join the CFL, especially since the majority of their players are over 26.  I don’t understand their independent stance and seceding from the union.  I do look forward to their ability to show up on the Mormon Entertainment  Network (MEN) because it will at least be something better than the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas concert in July. Washington dominates this hatred battle in a roll-over, however they might end up going home lovable losers from a point spread staindpoint.

Peffer: Andrea Zuckerman vs. Donna Martin.   These two are setup to be diametrically opposed in one department (brains) and similar in another (purity), but from the get go, Andrea seems hell-bent on getting any guy (but most hopefully Brandon) to notice and then deflower her, while Donna clings to her V-card with almost as much zeal as Saint Tebow.  Washington wants people to believe it is pure, but we all remember the slime filled regime of one Rick Neuheisal.  BYU on the other hand, has been holding it’s head high and promoting the clean and pure lifestyle for a long, long time.  I still can’t figure out how Jim McMahon survived 4 years at that school without getting kicked out for honor code violations.  I think most of us can relate to David Silver’s long suffering plight in pursuit of Donna’s goods….just not right.  I’ll go with the brainy chick who got herself knocked up and had to drop out of college.  Go Huskies!

Boise State @ Virginia Tech

SD: The marquee match-up of the week involves the states of Idaho and Virginia. No that isn’t a typo, I looked it up and it’s actually true. In a game being played in the nation’s capital, it feels like politics should help decide this one, but do I really want to compare a Senator who played footsie in an airport bathroom stall to another that used derogatory, racial term for a staffer of his opponent? If that doesn’t sum up why politics is depressing I don’t know what does. Oh wait. Speaking of politics, I forgot Idaho’s most famous native politician. Well I didn’t forget her, I just wish she would go away long enough for me to give it a try. Well, that changes everything now doesn’t it? Hokie-hokie-hi all the way

Turner: Kill me now.  End the BSU hype and not make the Hokies the next over-rated team to get rolled over by Georgia Tech later this year.  The fact that the winner of this game will turn into a National Championship contender makes me puke just a bit.  With that said, since this is about the rest of the year and the need to win a little side bet I have with two individual writers of the blog and I’m completely equal on my hatred of these two schools, I must hate the Broncos more.  Why – because I need a free meal, and BSU losing and falling in the poll will help feed my P90X stomach.

 ** Side Bar Editorial: I was in Lincoln on Wed when they announced the Big 10 conference break-out and 2011 and 2012 Conference Schedule.  It was somewhat enjoyable to watch the entire Husker nation deflate when they look at their schedule of Penn St., OSU, Iowa, Michigan, Wisconsin plus their non-conference.  Why the fear?  I’d rather play a bunch of mediocre teams then face the task of having to lose to at least OU or Texas every year and no chance to win the conference.  Husker nation is terrified of the big slow guys from around this country and it started yesterday.  They assigned Penn St and the Husker’s Rivalry game.  Surprise they didn’t buy their way to get Indiana on that list with all that research money they are getting to investigate the conception of Grubs on wheat stalks.

Peffer: Silver vs. Brandon Walsh.  Boise State wants respect.  They want to have a seat at the adult’s table.  They want to be part of the ‘cool’ kids (i.e. the BCS conference giants).  Same could be said of David Silver.  He started out as a stereotypical nerdy character who just wanted to be part of the gang but worked hard over the course of the series to win the respect of the popular kids and eventually be part of the gang.  BSU is slowly gaining the respect of the nation by continuing to schedule at least one tough non-conference game and always holding serve with their conference games.  Could this be their year?  Brandon, and by extension, Va Tech, have been through just about every conceivable questionable situation:  alcohol abuse, drunk driving, and gambling most notable for Brandon and the illicit activities of the Vick boys (dog cruelty and chest stomping), tragic campus shootings, and the intolerable introduction of the most overused special teams moniker in the world (“Beamer Ball”) for the Hokies.  At the end of the day, I think we all want to pull a little for the outsider, especially if it screws with the BCS.  Go Smurf-turfers!

This past Saturday I woke up and after starting the coffee brewing and grabbing the paper I decided to turn on the TV to see if I could catch a Premier League game. My boys from Arsenal had already won and Fox Soccer was showing a game I didn’t care about so I checked what was on ESPN. To my surprise, the first College Game Day of the season was on. To say my life improved at hearing Big and Rich sing the word ‘cit-tay’ is a vast understatement.

Sure, there were the usual annoyances: Herbstreit’s annual unwarranted Hurricane love fest, Corso picking a UF/Nebraska national title game and an extended discussion about Notre Dame as required by ESPN’s FCC license. But all of that is just the trees making up the forest of something much. Much bigger: college football is back!

Gone are those boiling hot Saturdays where your afternoon sports decision is between a baseball game and a golf tournament. Now we return to cooler temperatures, and days upon days of football. It is enough to make a man want to build his own man-cave for enjoying 12 hours of football each Saturday. Oh wait, I am doing that. I rock.

So with that, let’s waste no further time. Let’s jump right in. It is time for my annual destined-to-be-embarrassingly wrong predictions for the college football season. Write them down in ink today, and laugh at their idiocy for months to come:

Not This Year Folks: For the first time since 2005’s epic USC/Texas national championship game (redaction by rule of the NCAA) we will not have a representative of the SEC in the national championship game.

Yes, Alabama is the defending national champion but they won that title with defense. A defense that now has 9 new starters. Hard to see this being the same defense as the one led by Rolando McClain and Mount Cody (who personally won them the Tennessee game last year you might remember). Not only that but thanks to a quirk of scheduling their final 6 SEC opponents will all play the Tide coming off of a bye week. That obviously won’t help every opponent but the Tide didn’t exactly blow anyone out last year. One or two minor slip-ups are pretty easy to envision. Of course as their friends in Baton Rouge can tell you, even losing twice doesn’t automatically disqualify a team from national championship game – assuming the pollsters are as infatuated with you as teenage girls are with Justin Bieber, so maybe the Tide will sneak in anyway but I still don’t see it.

On the other side of the SEC, the only team that could make a case is the Gators but without the magic of Tebow and the constant losses to the draft along the offensive line and defense they also seem ripe for a couple losses. There are plenty of traps on the Gator schedule: at Tuscaloosa and…dare I say it…(oh, you dare, you dare)…at Tallahassee seem to be prime candidates as well as the annual ‘closer-than-it-should-be game’  or outright loss in the Swamp – LSU and South Carolina look just strong enough to scare the Gators. Outside of Alachua County though, the SEC East is marginally better than the Sun Belt right now. I know Georgia and Tennessee name recognition but that is the only credibility they carry into the season. Call me when you win a game of consequence. With that, the winner of the SEC title game will need a lot of help to reach the BCS title game again.

You Can Show Yourself Out: The last few years, one of the biggest stories in college football has been  the rise of teams from the non-power conferences on to the BCS stage. This year Boise State has the unprecedented opportunity of beginning the season in the top five, setting up an easy to envision rise to that national title game. I know ESPN’s talking heads said that the BCS title game would take 2 one-loss teams over BSU but that is hard to believe from a simple logistical approach.

If every other team loses a game, BSU will have to sit atop the polls at some point. If Alabama and OSU lose and BSU remains undefeated, then either the teams that beat each rise to the top or BSU does. But then in this scenario, whatever teams jump them (say Florida and Iowa) would also lose. So, somehow we are expected to believe BSU would never climb to the #1 spot? And if they do, can the pollsters really dislodge a #1 team that doesn’t lose? I don’t see it.

However this hypothetical scenario that must keep BCS Commissioners up all night worrying about the gypsies taking over their palace will remain just what it is – a hypothetical. One week from today this could be a moot point and I think it will be. It is conventional wisdom around here that Virginia Tech always loses at least one game they shouldn’t. The opening weekend BSU game seems like a prime contender for one of VT’s annual embarrassments. But I don’t think so. Not this time. This is, in essence, a home game for the Hokies and they have an experienced QB and two experienced running backs to not fold on the big stage. Combine that with superior size and athleticism and I think VT can overcome their overrated and overmatched coaching staff and send Cinderella back to Smurfland with a loss, ending the speculation before it can even begin. Oh, and TCU? Yeah, you had your shot last year in a BCS bowl and apparently used the Bob Stoops BCS game handbook to prepare for it. Don’t think you will get a second invite back to the party no matter what you do this year.

Archie Griffin: Popping champagne by Week #5: Archie Griffin will get to embrace his inner-Mercury Morris when he remains the only two-time Heisman trophy winner for yet another year. I wasn’t a strong believer in Mark Ingram last year (since I am 98% sure his back-up Trent Richardson is as good as he is, how can he be the best player in the country), so if you factor in a loss or two for the Tide, less impressive stats (as team really key on stopping him, which you even saw at the end of last season) and beginning the season already injured, there seems little to no chance he is holding up the bronze statue again this season. If everything else plays out as expected (see below), I think you will see Terrelle Pryor up on that stage in December: he has the hype, the name-school, the pre-season ranking and the Big Ten to put up great stats against. Throw in a highlight reel play or two and 11 wins or so and it would take an out-of-nowhere Charles Woodson like year to take it away from him.

And on a personal note: We have been waiting for years, asking the same question: could this be the year? When I say ‘we’ I mean Seminole fans, of course. Is this the year our boys finally rise back to the top of the rankings? For once, I think it might be possible. With probably the best quarterback to wear the garnet and gold not named Charlie Ward, more talented but unproven running backs and wide receivers than the Tea Party has lunatics and an experienced line, this should be as good an offense as we have seen since we were all stocking cans for Y2K. On the defensive side, FSU had the 110^th best defense last year and still went 7-6. Even if they achieve mediocrity (ranking in 50s or 60s) this team could finish with just 2 or 3 losses. Now we have a new, young coordinator and some of the top freshmen in the country. I’m not saying FSU will be in the national title conversation or definitely beat OU in week #2, but will they be hovering around a top ten ranking, have a major upset on their resume and possibly be in consideration for a BCS Bowl bid at the end of the season? Finally, yes.

At the End of the Day: There is really only one thing that matters in college football: who wins the crystal football. Looking into my tea leaves (chai: left over from my post latte tea this morning – I am a 2 caffeine drink kind of guy), I see yet another Ohio State title game appearance. Sorry Peffer. With a strong team back, only a couple major challenges (Iowa, Miami and Wisconsin) and a quarterback that could go all Vince Young at a moment’s notice, it is hard to dismiss OSU making it back to the title game. And facing OSU will, ironically, be VY’s old team, the Texas Longhorns. Sorry Turner. Yes, McCoy is gone but Garrett Gilbert filled in admirably in the BCS title game and should mature throughout this season. A depleted Big 12 leaves them with only 3 really tough games all year:

Oklahoma: hard to believe but I take Mack Brown over Bob Stoops in a coaching duel any day. Wow, did I just write something positive about Mack? I must be running a fever.

Nebraska: Sure last year’s Big 12 title game was close. But that was thanks to a man named Suh. He is gone. Unfortunately the Huskers’ quarterbacks remain. Their chance at a win does not.

Texas A&M: Wow, what year is this? 1996? Texas A&M, seriously? Sure, they have a fine quarterback. But the Aggies have been waiting to return to relevance even longer than the Seminoles. I’m from Missouri (literally): you need to show me something before I believe it.

With that it seems pretty clear we are looking at a Texas v. Ohio State title game. Sorry Horns but the Big 12’s failure on the BCS stage continues another year and OSU takes away the BCS title as well as my favorite running joke about the Big Ten not being able to compete with the southern schools.

I say the loss of one running joke is a small sacrifice to make for the glory that is another college football season. As a lame commercial for a cheap light beer says: here we go.

If you need me, I will be in my man-cave.

Wednesday night I went to see Anthony Bourdain give a speech. Getting to see one of my heroes in life in person was great as he was everything I hoped for – funny, sarcastic, bitter, eloquent and hateful toward anyone and everyone associated with the Food Network. All in all it was everything I could have hoped for, short of him asking me be his companion on his next trip. Wait that came out wrong.

Or did it?

Anyway, the more interesting part of the night was when he opened the floor to questions from the audience. What we quickly realized (meaning me and the Mrs., not me and Anthony, as far as I know) was that the people asking questions seemed to be much more interested in talking about themselves than actually asking a question. I am pretty pathetic in my hero worship of people I admire (just wait until I go to the Bill Simmons book signing tonight) but to see these people waste the time of hundreds of strangers just to take a moment to tell Bourdain about themselves was pathetic and to be honest a little depressing. Whether it was that they just came in from Napa, are off to Italy or that they have a restaurant Tony has to visit all these people felt the need to speechify as much as actually ask a real question to Tony. Do any of us really care about you? Does Tony? Tony has been in my life for about 9 years now (this isn’t getting any better is it?) and I found it humorous to see all these people try and impress them with their…credentials. If there is anyone that would be at best unimpressed or at worst disgusted by people espousing their life story to try and impress him it is Tony. Beside, whose life is so pathetic that making announcement to try and impress strangers is the highlight of their week?

Isn’t that what writing on the internet is for?

On to this week’s THH. Turner and the Shadow were unable to join this week as they too are suffering post-Vegas. Only their illness is called ‘work and family’.

Let’s hope they recover soon.

College

NC State @ Va Tech

SD: This week for the college games I decide to go with what I am calling ‘The Danny Bonaduce Bowl’. Both match-ups are of schools that seem to have lower profile than their in-state neighbors. I know in the world of football Va Tech is bigger and better than UVA but for the rest of the world and the rest of the year, VT is just the sad little brother to Thomas Jefferson’s school. NC State not only sits in the shadow of UNC but also in the shadow of those insufferable Dookies. Remember the movie Titanic and the people called ‘steerage’ – all those people in the bowels of the ship, who drowned behind locked gates at each exit? In the hierarchy of North Carolina colleges, those people are the NC State Wolfpack. That is much sadder than being the school that inflicted the Vick family crime wave on all of us. Go Pack.

Oregon State @ Washington State

SD: I guess this one is really more for the other guys. As you may remember I am a beaver legacy – which nearly as dirty as it sounds since my dad went to OSU. Last week in Vegas I realized too late that I could lay down a parlay on the alma maters of my entire immediate family (Oregon State, Missouri, Wyoming and FSU) and it would have paid. In fact I could have laid down a money line bet on all four schools and won. Instead I did stupid things like analyzing the lines of all the games and betting on the teams that I thought most likely to cover. Obviously that didn’t work out – Vegas has been doing this a little longer than I have. Just stupid. But even they can’t account for the power of the family. I won’t make that mistake two weeks in a row. OOOOO SSSSS UUUU Oregon State, fight, fight, fight.

UPDATE: Since Turner and Shadow were unable to join, let’s just assume they are rooting for the Beavers. There is low-brow beaver joke here I am choosing to ignore. I am better than that.

 NFL:

Indianapolis @ Baltimore

SD: In the NFL, this week we have two match-ups of teams that have a common foundation. The Colts started in Baltimore before sneaking away to Indianapolis in the middle of the night in 1984. Not exactly sure what the Irsay family saw in Indianapolis. Guess they are bigger fans of corn than crab. Maybe Kerouac had some good things to say about it in On The Road (full disclosure: I haven’t finished On The Road, I know, it is shameful but I did go visit Bobby’s scroll when it was on exhibit here in Denver). Anyway, I probably like the Colts team better, but you gotta root for Baltimore in this one. Only a cold, heartless jerk would root for the abandoner over the abandonee. That means there is only person rooting for the Colts: Mark Mangino.

Tennessee @ Houston

SD: As I slide ever closer to middle-age I find myself becoming one of those annoying old men that always thinks how it was is always better than how it is. You know those men as ‘sportswriters’. Anyway, I still remember the powder blue unis of the old Oilers. Warren Moon leading the run-and-shoot with those many anonymous tiny receivers (Haywood Jeffries, anyone?). Those were classic teams, even if they drove me nuts when they played my Broncos. These Texan teams? Umm, not so much. So, with a nod to Earl Campbell, Warren Moon, Lorenzo White and Drew Hill, I am going with the Titans.

Well, we are most of the way through the first weekend of college football, so obviously it is time to reach inarguable conclusions and make broad pronouncements about what will occur throughout the rest of the season.

If you can’t definitively figure out the entire season based on one (most likely uncompetitive) game than you clearly aren’t an expert, which is why I am here for you.

NOTE: I am purposefully writing this prior to the FSU/Miami game tomorrow night. That game could (and probably will) lead to another full post, so I wanted to give the rest of the country at least a little attention. Sure, the rest of the country isn’t as important as that single game, but some people seem to care about all of those other teams, and I am nothing if not about customer service around here.

So, what did we learn from the first week? I’m glad you asked. As I always do, on the first really good Saturday of the season I sacrificed my day (and my health – I definitely was not eating salad yesterday), to watch at least 14 hours of football for you.

The day began as it always does with dull and boring Big Ten games, brought you by the Department of Redundancy Department. Next week will be the real test (OSU/USC) in proving whether the Big Ten is actually competitive or just the MAC with larger student populations but if this week was an initial pop quiz, than the Big Ten failed miserably. OSU got taken to the final minutes by Navy, Iowa had to block 2 field goals in the final 7 seconds to beat the Fighting Kurt Warners of Northen Iowa and Illinois led by 3-year starter Juice Williams and super-speedy Aurelius Benn got trounced by a Missouri team with a first year QB that also lost their top two receivers. Not exactly a stellar season opening for the Big Ten. Michigan really needs to practice extra, illegal hours to compete with these teams? Yikes.

By mid-afternoon, we had moved to Stillwater, Oklahoma for the big Oklahoma State/UGA game.

Before diving into the actual game, let me first congratulate Mark Richt on playing a real out-of-conference schedule. It is nice to see Bobby Bowden’s influence still out-weighing the influence of his SEC compatriots who believe you should never schedule an out-of-conference game with a team without a compass direction in its title. Urban, I am looking at you.

Actually, I take that back. An actual directional state school would be a step-up for UF. Charleston Southern doesn’t even have a state or cardinal direction in its name – just a city and a vague directional descriptor. The University of Florida – finding new and innovative ways to pad their schedule and the stats of THE GREATEST COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYER OF ALL TIME.

NOTE: Remember when Bobby came out and blasphemed Our Lord and Savior Tim Tebow this summer by saying Charlie Ward was as good if not better? In Charlie’s senior year, FSU’s non-conference schedule was: Kansas (coming off a Bowl), Notre Dame, Miami and Florida.

Anyway, back to the game. Initially this game looked like both teams would fit their conference’s stereotypes quite nicely. The overpowering UGA defense and strong running game would come in and dominate the soft, fast offensive power in the Big 12 South.

My favorite result of this was when Matt Millen mentioned early in the game that with OSU’s new defensive coordinator they had expected improvement, but weren’t seeing it. “Sometimes, it doesn’t matter what system is put in if the players don’t execute” was Millen’s analysis. It doesn’t take Dr. Freud to see Millen trying to sub-consciously excuse his entire sorry tenure as Lions GM with that single phrase. Nice try, Millen. Just because the networks inexplicably want you to be a football expert don’t mean that the rest of us will ever be able to forget that you know nothing about running a football team.

Of course, by late in the 2^nd quarter the standard storyline was out the window as the Okie State defense clamped down on the UGA offense and the OSU offense started moving the ball and scoring points. This shouldn’t have been a surprise, given the number of offensive weapons UGA lost last year, but after the Big 12’s abysmal performance in the bowls last year I think we all expected the worst.

Speaking of the worst of the Big 12 South, the next game I watched was BYU/Oklahoma. As everyone knows by now, BYU knocked out Sam Bradford and then held on to beat OU.

I know there will be many, many stories written this week anointing BYU to college football’s elite and slotting them into a BCS game but can we pause for a minute. Their vaunted offense had 2 good drives all night. They played against a dreadful offensive line that looked as inexperienced as it is. The second half was spent playing against a quarterback – not named Matt Barkley – playing in his first ever college football game. Their opponent chalked up over 100 yards in penalties. Yet, they still had to endure a final missed field goal to hold on for the win. BYU has never shown the ability to play consistently for a full season, so even if they get by FSU in Provo in a couple weeks (which I couldn’t be happier to be out of the country for), will they be able to keep focus against TCU and Utah or are they this year’s East Carolina?

The other primetime game was Alabama vs. Virginia Tech. I wish I had some in-depth, unique perspective on this game, but it is hard to have a new point-of-view of a game that reinforced every stereotype about the two programs playing.

 VT came in having never beaten a top ten opponent on a neutral field. They left with that record intact.

VT has a long tradition of not playing as well as their ranking should indicate. Every year, pollsters are convinced that VT has the pieces in place to be a national contender – a strong defense, athletes on offense and of course ‘Beamer Ball’. Every year VT disappoints. Despite all of the hype Tyrod Taylor is consistently the most overrated player in the country not named Clausen. He may be elusive and quick but he can’t pass, direct an offense or lead a team. Other than that, he is a fine quarterback.

At this point it would be a greater surprise if VT actually came through in a big game. I am sure they will beat up most of the ACC this year (5 ACC teams lost their opener this weekend – 2 to Division 1-AA teams) and could end up in a BCS game again but until they beat a really good opponent let’s stop this annual ritual of hyping them early in the season.

Unless Michael Vick earned another year of eligibility while at Leavenworth, VT is not going to be in the national title hunt while Frank Beamer is the coach there.

Alabama on the other hand, took the exact blueprint people expected and shoved it right down the throats of the Hokies. An overpowering defense and strong running game helped offset a new quarterback and many mistakes. I don’t think Bama will go through the regular season undefeated like they did last year, but they will at least play tough, boring, predictable games all year.

My opening weekend odyssey ended in the Pacific Northwest – fitting as the LSU/UW game was the one that had gotten me so excited for college football in the first place. I know UW lost but I think it is safe to say that UW has a chance to be the most improved team in the country this year. While they might want to work on open field tackling drills for their corners (yikes), overall they out-played LSU the entire game. After starting with a tough LSU team, whose quarterback served notice to the rest of the SEC, and then getting confidence by beating Idaho next week is the Pac-Ten schedule really going to look too tough to the Huskies?

After all, we have all seen the Pac-Ten enough to know who they are. They aren’t going to come out and punch you in the mouth like an SEC team would.

At least, not now that LaGarrett Blount has been suspended for the year.