Wednesday night I went to see Anthony Bourdain give a speech. Getting to see one of my heroes in life in person was great as he was everything I hoped for – funny, sarcastic, bitter, eloquent and hateful toward anyone and everyone associated with the Food Network. All in all it was everything I could have hoped for, short of him asking me be his companion on his next trip. Wait that came out wrong.

Or did it?

Anyway, the more interesting part of the night was when he opened the floor to questions from the audience. What we quickly realized (meaning me and the Mrs., not me and Anthony, as far as I know) was that the people asking questions seemed to be much more interested in talking about themselves than actually asking a question. I am pretty pathetic in my hero worship of people I admire (just wait until I go to the Bill Simmons book signing tonight) but to see these people waste the time of hundreds of strangers just to take a moment to tell Bourdain about themselves was pathetic and to be honest a little depressing. Whether it was that they just came in from Napa, are off to Italy or that they have a restaurant Tony has to visit all these people felt the need to speechify as much as actually ask a real question to Tony. Do any of us really care about you? Does Tony? Tony has been in my life for about 9 years now (this isn’t getting any better is it?) and I found it humorous to see all these people try and impress them with their…credentials. If there is anyone that would be at best unimpressed or at worst disgusted by people espousing their life story to try and impress him it is Tony. Beside, whose life is so pathetic that making announcement to try and impress strangers is the highlight of their week?

Isn’t that what writing on the internet is for?

On to this week’s THH. Turner and the Shadow were unable to join this week as they too are suffering post-Vegas. Only their illness is called ‘work and family’.

Let’s hope they recover soon.

College

NC State @ Va Tech

SD: This week for the college games I decide to go with what I am calling ‘The Danny Bonaduce Bowl’. Both match-ups are of schools that seem to have lower profile than their in-state neighbors. I know in the world of football Va Tech is bigger and better than UVA but for the rest of the world and the rest of the year, VT is just the sad little brother to Thomas Jefferson’s school. NC State not only sits in the shadow of UNC but also in the shadow of those insufferable Dookies. Remember the movie Titanic and the people called ‘steerage’ – all those people in the bowels of the ship, who drowned behind locked gates at each exit? In the hierarchy of North Carolina colleges, those people are the NC State Wolfpack. That is much sadder than being the school that inflicted the Vick family crime wave on all of us. Go Pack.

Oregon State @ Washington State

SD: I guess this one is really more for the other guys. As you may remember I am a beaver legacy – which nearly as dirty as it sounds since my dad went to OSU. Last week in Vegas I realized too late that I could lay down a parlay on the alma maters of my entire immediate family (Oregon State, Missouri, Wyoming and FSU) and it would have paid. In fact I could have laid down a money line bet on all four schools and won. Instead I did stupid things like analyzing the lines of all the games and betting on the teams that I thought most likely to cover. Obviously that didn’t work out – Vegas has been doing this a little longer than I have. Just stupid. But even they can’t account for the power of the family. I won’t make that mistake two weeks in a row. OOOOO SSSSS UUUU Oregon State, fight, fight, fight.

UPDATE: Since Turner and Shadow were unable to join, let’s just assume they are rooting for the Beavers. There is low-brow beaver joke here I am choosing to ignore. I am better than that.

 NFL:

Indianapolis @ Baltimore

SD: In the NFL, this week we have two match-ups of teams that have a common foundation. The Colts started in Baltimore before sneaking away to Indianapolis in the middle of the night in 1984. Not exactly sure what the Irsay family saw in Indianapolis. Guess they are bigger fans of corn than crab. Maybe Kerouac had some good things to say about it in On The Road (full disclosure: I haven’t finished On The Road, I know, it is shameful but I did go visit Bobby’s scroll when it was on exhibit here in Denver). Anyway, I probably like the Colts team better, but you gotta root for Baltimore in this one. Only a cold, heartless jerk would root for the abandoner over the abandonee. That means there is only person rooting for the Colts: Mark Mangino.

Tennessee @ Houston

SD: As I slide ever closer to middle-age I find myself becoming one of those annoying old men that always thinks how it was is always better than how it is. You know those men as ‘sportswriters’. Anyway, I still remember the powder blue unis of the old Oilers. Warren Moon leading the run-and-shoot with those many anonymous tiny receivers (Haywood Jeffries, anyone?). Those were classic teams, even if they drove me nuts when they played my Broncos. These Texan teams? Umm, not so much. So, with a nod to Earl Campbell, Warren Moon, Lorenzo White and Drew Hill, I am going with the Titans.

Well, we are most of the way through the first weekend of college football, so obviously it is time to reach inarguable conclusions and make broad pronouncements about what will occur throughout the rest of the season.

If you can’t definitively figure out the entire season based on one (most likely uncompetitive) game than you clearly aren’t an expert, which is why I am here for you.

NOTE: I am purposefully writing this prior to the FSU/Miami game tomorrow night. That game could (and probably will) lead to another full post, so I wanted to give the rest of the country at least a little attention. Sure, the rest of the country isn’t as important as that single game, but some people seem to care about all of those other teams, and I am nothing if not about customer service around here.

So, what did we learn from the first week? I’m glad you asked. As I always do, on the first really good Saturday of the season I sacrificed my day (and my health – I definitely was not eating salad yesterday), to watch at least 14 hours of football for you.

The day began as it always does with dull and boring Big Ten games, brought you by the Department of Redundancy Department. Next week will be the real test (OSU/USC) in proving whether the Big Ten is actually competitive or just the MAC with larger student populations but if this week was an initial pop quiz, than the Big Ten failed miserably. OSU got taken to the final minutes by Navy, Iowa had to block 2 field goals in the final 7 seconds to beat the Fighting Kurt Warners of Northen Iowa and Illinois led by 3-year starter Juice Williams and super-speedy Aurelius Benn got trounced by a Missouri team with a first year QB that also lost their top two receivers. Not exactly a stellar season opening for the Big Ten. Michigan really needs to practice extra, illegal hours to compete with these teams? Yikes.

By mid-afternoon, we had moved to Stillwater, Oklahoma for the big Oklahoma State/UGA game.

Before diving into the actual game, let me first congratulate Mark Richt on playing a real out-of-conference schedule. It is nice to see Bobby Bowden’s influence still out-weighing the influence of his SEC compatriots who believe you should never schedule an out-of-conference game with a team without a compass direction in its title. Urban, I am looking at you.

Actually, I take that back. An actual directional state school would be a step-up for UF. Charleston Southern doesn’t even have a state or cardinal direction in its name – just a city and a vague directional descriptor. The University of Florida – finding new and innovative ways to pad their schedule and the stats of THE GREATEST COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYER OF ALL TIME.

NOTE: Remember when Bobby came out and blasphemed Our Lord and Savior Tim Tebow this summer by saying Charlie Ward was as good if not better? In Charlie’s senior year, FSU’s non-conference schedule was: Kansas (coming off a Bowl), Notre Dame, Miami and Florida.

Anyway, back to the game. Initially this game looked like both teams would fit their conference’s stereotypes quite nicely. The overpowering UGA defense and strong running game would come in and dominate the soft, fast offensive power in the Big 12 South.

My favorite result of this was when Matt Millen mentioned early in the game that with OSU’s new defensive coordinator they had expected improvement, but weren’t seeing it. “Sometimes, it doesn’t matter what system is put in if the players don’t execute” was Millen’s analysis. It doesn’t take Dr. Freud to see Millen trying to sub-consciously excuse his entire sorry tenure as Lions GM with that single phrase. Nice try, Millen. Just because the networks inexplicably want you to be a football expert don’t mean that the rest of us will ever be able to forget that you know nothing about running a football team.

Of course, by late in the 2^nd quarter the standard storyline was out the window as the Okie State defense clamped down on the UGA offense and the OSU offense started moving the ball and scoring points. This shouldn’t have been a surprise, given the number of offensive weapons UGA lost last year, but after the Big 12’s abysmal performance in the bowls last year I think we all expected the worst.

Speaking of the worst of the Big 12 South, the next game I watched was BYU/Oklahoma. As everyone knows by now, BYU knocked out Sam Bradford and then held on to beat OU.

I know there will be many, many stories written this week anointing BYU to college football’s elite and slotting them into a BCS game but can we pause for a minute. Their vaunted offense had 2 good drives all night. They played against a dreadful offensive line that looked as inexperienced as it is. The second half was spent playing against a quarterback – not named Matt Barkley – playing in his first ever college football game. Their opponent chalked up over 100 yards in penalties. Yet, they still had to endure a final missed field goal to hold on for the win. BYU has never shown the ability to play consistently for a full season, so even if they get by FSU in Provo in a couple weeks (which I couldn’t be happier to be out of the country for), will they be able to keep focus against TCU and Utah or are they this year’s East Carolina?

The other primetime game was Alabama vs. Virginia Tech. I wish I had some in-depth, unique perspective on this game, but it is hard to have a new point-of-view of a game that reinforced every stereotype about the two programs playing.

 VT came in having never beaten a top ten opponent on a neutral field. They left with that record intact.

VT has a long tradition of not playing as well as their ranking should indicate. Every year, pollsters are convinced that VT has the pieces in place to be a national contender – a strong defense, athletes on offense and of course ‘Beamer Ball’. Every year VT disappoints. Despite all of the hype Tyrod Taylor is consistently the most overrated player in the country not named Clausen. He may be elusive and quick but he can’t pass, direct an offense or lead a team. Other than that, he is a fine quarterback.

At this point it would be a greater surprise if VT actually came through in a big game. I am sure they will beat up most of the ACC this year (5 ACC teams lost their opener this weekend – 2 to Division 1-AA teams) and could end up in a BCS game again but until they beat a really good opponent let’s stop this annual ritual of hyping them early in the season.

Unless Michael Vick earned another year of eligibility while at Leavenworth, VT is not going to be in the national title hunt while Frank Beamer is the coach there.

Alabama on the other hand, took the exact blueprint people expected and shoved it right down the throats of the Hokies. An overpowering defense and strong running game helped offset a new quarterback and many mistakes. I don’t think Bama will go through the regular season undefeated like they did last year, but they will at least play tough, boring, predictable games all year.

My opening weekend odyssey ended in the Pacific Northwest – fitting as the LSU/UW game was the one that had gotten me so excited for college football in the first place. I know UW lost but I think it is safe to say that UW has a chance to be the most improved team in the country this year. While they might want to work on open field tackling drills for their corners (yikes), overall they out-played LSU the entire game. After starting with a tough LSU team, whose quarterback served notice to the rest of the SEC, and then getting confidence by beating Idaho next week is the Pac-Ten schedule really going to look too tough to the Huskies?

After all, we have all seen the Pac-Ten enough to know who they are. They aren’t going to come out and punch you in the mouth like an SEC team would.

At least, not now that LaGarrett Blount has been suspended for the year.

It really started on Monday. I was driving to the office from the Seattle-Tacoma Airport listening to KJR when it hit the first time.

Dave ‘Softy’ Mahler started previewing this weekend’s LSU/UW game (including marching band snippits) and I realized that all of a sudden, it was game week. In the span of one flight, I had gone from the tail end of summer, making due with disappointing pre-season games and endless Favre love to college football season – a season full of devastating losses and endless Tebow love.

It was really driven home this morning at my hotel. Walking into the concierge lounge I was enveloped by the purple and gold. LSU fans had arrived. In mass. By Thursday. 2,000 miles from Baton Rouge.

Yes, friends it is really football season and I couldn’t be more excited if FSU was ranked in the top five.

There is just one last thing left to officially mark the return of college football.

Welcome to the inaugural 2009 Hierarchy of Hate. As Southwest Airlines says: It is On.

As always we are joined by Turner, he of the unconditional Sooner love and inconsistent THH attendance.

 The time of year is upon us where we can rejoice in our weekends and Tuesday Night, Wednesday Night, Thursday Night, Friday Night, All Day on Saturday (and an occasional Sunday) with the greatness of college football (I exclude Monday night because there is only one game made up of the washed up ‘The U’ vs. ‘Wide Left / Right’ rivalry).  Oh how great it is and just as SuperDave gave us in his preview, this year should be a given.  It is so obvious that the Longhorns and the 2^nd coming of ‘God’ will face off in the National Championship game.  This obvious choice leads to the fact that it actually won’t happen; except that UF could lose 4 games this year and still make it because Tim Tebow will flood every other stadium and have their seasons cancelled so that they will still make it.   If Gary Danielson had a vote, we would have no reason to play the season and we could continue listening to that giant vacuum sound that is causing Hurricanes in the Atlantic.  And FOR THE LOVE, if Lou Holtz is right and ND makes the championship game, I’m officially banning myself from watching the National Championship game; however I wonder who God would let win, his child or his ‘team’.

A few predictions this year.

Best Record of our Team(s):   SMU :6 – 6;  FSU: 9 -3; THE OU: 11-1

Heisman Trophy Winner: Colt McCoy (because they feel bad and need the Big 3 to all get one)

National Championship Game:   USC vs. UF (puke and puke)

So now we get back to my beloved THH. Special thanks for SuperDave for opening the door to The Shadow to come back to the party.  While his bias is largely towards Univ. of Northern Colorado and Iowa (yawn), his love of sports can’t be denied. 

Please support him as he tried to become the protégé of the experts.  He is our Charlie Weis while we are Bill Belichick.

Additionally, we are joined by The Shadow, a September call-up that used a strong commenting performance to earn a spot in the big leagues. Welcome to the show, kid.

I am happy to be back and lending my opinion to that most noble of fall traditions, THH.  So far this year, my beloved Broncos have bumbled their way through a coaching regime change, a trade of their supposed next franchise QB, and a pissing match with their star receiver.  This has put me in a foul mood with relation to my hometown team, and so I will focus my attention and hate on whichever schools I deem have done the least to improve the state of Broncodom over the years.

College:

LSU @ U of Washington

SD: Really could I start any other way? Not only did this match-up get my football hackles up this week but the cross-country intersection is perfect THH material. I have hereby re-named this game the Jeremy Piven Bowl. Why you may ask? Well, before his star-making role of Ari, you may not remember him as the best friend or secondary player in every John Cusack movie from 1985 – 2004 (see: One Crazy Summer, Say Anything, Grosse Pointe Blank, Serendipity). I think this is appropriate because I think of both of these teams as similar but not quite as good versions of things that hold a place in my heart. I have always held a soft spot for LSU as a soulmate to FSU (good looking women, located in the south, hard partying, live and die for football, irrational hatred for UF, etc.) while over the last two years of spending 4 days per week in Seattle I have developed a fondness for the Emerald City just short of my hometown of Denver (see? You didn’t think I could get there did you?). Add in that each school could equate to a seminal Piven performance: LSU = PCU for obvious reasons, Seattle = Entourage, as it is where I have worked and few performance have so encapsulated a certain job as Piven’s Ari and the comparisons are complete. So, who do I root for? Well, who would you root for? The guy that defined my collegiate career: “here’s what you need to know: classes, nothing before eleven; beer, its your best friend drink a lot of it; women, you are a freshman so it is pretty much out of the question….” Or a reminder of my grueling daily job?

(For the record I quoted PCU from memory. I have problems).

Geaux Tigers

Turner: First thing that comes to mind; LSU: Attractive Cajun Female Cheerleaders / Loud Stadium / Huge Party and love for their team…… UW:  Empty stadium, Starbucks, Warren Moon, Ty Willingham, hmmmmm.  Enough Said on this one.  The first THH winner is LSU.  UW other than the fact that their state gave me an internet platform to write this blog on, really does nothing for me.   Geaux Tigers.

Shadow: Not even close.  LSU provided me with Tory James (forgettable at least as a Bronco) and Eddie Kennison (pure hatred still flows for him) but Washington gives us Brian Habib who helps anchor the “undersized” Bronco o-line that dominates Green Bay in Super Bowl XXXII.  The pick here is the Huskies.

Virginia Tech vs. Alabama

SD: I almost feel sorry for the players at Alabama and Virginia Tech. No matter what any individual player does (short of bringing the phrase ‘rape stand’ into everyday conversations), he will always be less important to winning than the sheer brilliance of his coach. At VT, Beamer Ball has become the single most overused TV talking point not involving circumcising Philipino kids. Nevermind that just last year that BeamerBall lost a game to East Carolina by getting a punt blocked. At Bama, Nick Saban has brought his ego and reputation with him, such that any play is the direct result of being in the vicinity of his greatness. Nevermind him having the integrity of Bernie Madoff. So, while I may laugh at all the fawning over Beamer Ball as a tired cliché employed by announcers without the will to actually learn something about the teams they are covering, at least Beamer has loyalty to this school. That is one things in short supply in the college game today – just ask Saban. If you can catch him before he bolts for the next big payday. Go Hokies!

Turner: I don’t understand this one… We have the Hokies that are represented by a Turkey and  Bama which is an elephant.  Ridiculous, however I can associate with the turkey since you can hunt those in Virgina but I’m not sure why the elephant.  That plus Saban raises my hate meter.  Come on Hokies, Gobble, Gobble, Gobble.

Shadow: An interesting case here.  We have one of my favorite running backs of the Broncos (pre-TD) in Bobby Humphrey versus a second year star in the making with Eddie Royal.  Bobby may have had more of a bump had TD never arrived on the scene, but since TD has obliterated most of my memory and love for any other Denver runner, I am going to give the edge here to Royal and VA Tech.

Idaho State @ Arizona State (The Jake Plummer Memorial Bowl)

SD: Our final game is in honor of my last, favorite Bronco quarterback. Fitting at a time when the Broncos are in desperate need of finding a quarterback. So, which Jake do I cheer for? The formative years Jake growing up in Idaho or Jake the Snake – bursting on to the national conscious at ASU by alsmot leading them to a national title? Read that again – Jake nearly took ASU to a national championship. How ridiculous does that seem now a short 13 years later? I am actually going with the Idaho Jake for two reasons. 1- his ‘nearly’ winning a title at ASU, actually resulted in Florida winning its first (and Spurrier his only) national title after ASU lost to Ohio State in the Rose Bowl and UF beat FSU in a re-matchup that never should have happened (damn you James Brown and your Texas Longhorns) in the Sugar Bowl. 2 – It isn’t his upbringing in Idaho I am honoring with this pick, it is his retiring back to Idaho after his Bronco days were over. He retired to the mountains with his former Bronco cheerleader wife – can anyone really argue with that plan? For that alone, he will always be one of my heroes. Go ISU – make retired and happy Jake a proud man!

Turner: First problem with this game is the headline on the ISU website :

“Bengal Fans Can Jump on the Bus to Weber State
 
Pocatello, ID — The ISU Bengal Foundation is taking a bus to the ISU vs. Weber State football game, Saturday, September 19th. Game time is 6:07 pm in Ogden’s Stewart Stadium. (more)

Seriously???? This is the roadtrip they are advertising is to Weber State when they can go to Tempe?  These folks just have their priorities all wrong.  Plus, what is the possibility of finding a Bengal in Idaho?  I did learn that this week so that is good however, the fact that they want to be like Chris Collinsworth puts them on the radar.  ASU:   ENOUGH SAID – it takes a LOT to beat this school (see: http://tempe12.com – not on company time)  Come on Sun Devils, the school that Jack Elway couldn’t handle, I love you.

Shadow: Ah hell, the win by default scenario.  Idaho State, to me knowledge (or Google’s) has never produced any football player associated with the Broncos, while ASU saddled us with several years of bad interceptions and even worse facial hair, courtesy of Jake the Snake.  To be honest, I really tried to like Plummer, and he did lead us to an AFC Championship game, but he folded too much under pressure, kind of the antithesis of Elway, who like TD, will always be the standard against which all Denver QBs are measured.  Fair or unfair, that’s just the way it is.  No matter what I feel about Jake’s tenure in the Mile High City, since ISU throws up the goose-egg, this matchup goes to those Devils of the Sun.