After months of pretending to get our NFL fix by following the human equivalent of the Westminster Dog Show known as the NFL Combine and the movements of free agents deemed too old, too crazy or too expensive by their previous employers we have finally reached the crown jewel of the NFL offseason: the NFL Draft. Out with the past, and in with the future. There are endless educated guesses out there on who each team will draft but who should all these teams draft? Thankfully, your dutiful analyst here at PFB has scoured the scouting services and waded through Mel Kiper’s hairline to determine who each team should target, if for no other reason than our entertainment.

AFC East

New England Patriots – With the loss of Ben Watson to Cleveland the Patriots have a need at tight end (I know, I can’t believe losing Ben Watson would cause anything but joy in Foxbrough but it is what it is). In steps Ron Gronkowski out of Arizona. Whether he succeeds on the field or not, he can at least act as a guardian to long-lost cousin kicker Stephen Gostkowski, reducing the number of wedgies and swirlies inflicted this year by that bully Tom Brady.

New York Jets – The Jets need to find some offensive help for their second year quarterback and overpowering defense. They have gone out on the free agent market and gotten wide receivers and running backs, so they should use the draft to go get a tight end. How about Dennis Pitta out of BYU? Last year, the Jets made the millions of latino fans in New York happy with the drafting of Mark Sanchez. This year they can make millions of Greek and middle eastern fans happy by loading up on Pitta. 

Miami Dolphins – This offseason, the Dolphins lost linebacker, non-stop talker, cheap-shot artist and drunk driver Joey Porter to the Arizona Cardinals. Drafting Brandon Spikes, he of the linebacker playing, eye-gouging, teammate deifying career at Florida will help address the loss of many of Porter’s doucheiest qualities.

Buffalo Bills – Last year, the Bills played a home game in Toronto to expand their fan base beyond western New York and into Canada. If they can’t put a competitive team on the field, this is their best chance at remaining relevant. Drafting Dan LeFevour, a quarterback out of Central Michigan not only addresses one of their biggest needs but may also bring millions of new Canadian fans to the Bills bandwagon when they get confused and assume he is on loan from playing winger for the Maple Leafs.

AFC North

Pittsburgh Steelers – Last year after Troy Polamalu was lost to injury, the Steelers showed a great weakness in the secondary. Drafting Joe Haden, the cornerback out of Florida will help reduce the dependence on Troy’s hair. Plus after years in Gainesville, Haden knows quite well how to deal with a quarterback with a god complex.

Cleveland Browns – Three years ago, the Browns drafted golden boy Brady Quinn out of Notre Dame to address their quarterback needs. This year they can draft Golden Tate out of Notre Dame to address their wide receiver needs. I mean it can’t work out any worse than last time right?

Cincinnati Bengals – Needing another weapon for Carson Palmer, the Bengals should take Jermaine Gresham, who provides the added bonus of sounding like the best-selling legal novel author around. If the Bengals can’t get players that actually understand the law they can at least get players that sound like they do.

Baltimore Ravens – Still looking for players to help out Joe Flacco, the Ravens should roll the dice on Dez Bryant. Sure, there are some questions marks around Dez – especially about his lying to the NCAA and questionable work ethic but if there is anyone that will take a stab at motivating a young player it is Ray Lewis.

AFC South

Indianapolis Colts – Coming off a Super Bowl in which they were torched by Drew Brees, the Colts need to address their inability to put pressure on the quarterback. Jason Pierre Paul out of South Florida can help that need as well as taking the pressure off Pierre Garcon of being the only Pierre on the roster.

Tennessee Titans – With Lendale White becoming ineffective without tequila in his blood it is time to look for a new complement to take some of the load off of Chris Johnson. Not only does Toby Gerhart provide the short yardage power, and leading blocking ability, but can you imagine the nicknames that could be formed for a small black running back and large white running back tandem? Chocolate Lightning and White Thunder? Ebony and Ivory? The I-Spy Backfield? Tennessee Vice? I could do this all day.

Jacksonville Jaguars – Much has been made this offseason of the Jaguars drafting the best player out of nearby University of Florida to help drive interest in the team and improve their anemic offense. I fully endorse this approach and expect Maurkice Pouncey to make the short trip up from Gainesville to Jacksonville.

Houston Texans – The Texans are the ‘Almost’ team. Every year they almost make the playoffs. Matt Schaub has stats almost as good as the best in the league and he almost makes it through the season uninjured. Steven Slaton can make it almost all the way through the game without fumbling. Andre Johnson almost gets the credit he deserves for being the best wide receiver in the game. Thus the Texans should draft Joe McKnight – the USC running back almost as good as his predecessor Reggie Bush who the Texans almost drafted 4 years ago.

AFC West

San Diego Chargers – In a tough offseason for the Bolts, they lost their top running back in LaDainian Tomlinson, a back-up quarterback in Charlie Whitehurst, outrageous child production in Antonio Cromartie and a player known to disappear in big games (Tomlinson again). Clearly they need to sign Travis Henry to address the running and child production needs while drafting Colt McCoy for the back-up quarterback and ‘disappearing in big game’ gaps.

Oakland Raiders – There is little doubt the Raiders will draft Bruce Campbell, the Maryland offensive lineman who is a physical specimen that impressed at the NFL Combine with incredible speed and strength after a completely mundane college career. Really his only chance of success in the NFL is if his hand is still possessed like it was back in Evil Dead 2.

Denver Broncos – The Broncos have a lot of needs. They are looking for linebackers, offensive linemen, receivers and (possibly) a long term solution at quarterback. But there is another position that has been vacated with the trades of Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall over the last two offseasons: unhappy whiner who quits on his team. The Broncos can’t go into the season without at least one on their roster so don’t be surprised to hear the name “Mike Williams” announced at some point with the Broncos on the clock.

Kansas City Chiefs – The Chiefs are still trying to improve their offense but while the acquisition of Thomas Jones to split carries with Jamal Charles should help, their defense still has holes. Targeting Sean Weatherspoon, the linebacker out of Missouri helps out a defense ranked 31^st against the run last year. Plus he is one of the few players in the draft that would know Kansas City is actually located in Missouri not Kansas. That could be huge when trying to find the stadium for that first game.

Now that the Super Bowl is behind us and the ticker tape has started to soak up all of the urine left on Bourbon Street, it is time to briefly look back and then begin looking ahead. Today we continue our annual tradition of looking back at my pre-season projections and mocking their foolishness while also laying down an early projection for next year.

I wish I could say that this is the earliest projections for the 2010 NFL season but even before Peyton’s tears had dried there were professional prognosticators in a certain desert town suggesting that the Colts were the best bet to participate in Super Bowl XLV. Really? What about getting dominated by the Saints screamed ‘Colts repeat!’ to these guys? The team will be a year older, have another year under a coach that acts like the star of “Tyler Perry’s Weekend at Bernie’s” and have yet another piece of playoff choke luggage to carry but they are going to pick right up where they left off, huh?

As I looked back at last year’s edition of this post, I came across my early prediction for last weekend’s Super Bowl. Thanks to some convoluted rationale this was part of an imagined speech on Hardball (don’t ask) thus the strange introduction:

Chris, I would like to take this opportunity to announce my candidates for the 2010 Super Bowl. That is correct, right here I am happy announce that the Colts and Falcons will play for the Vince Lombardi trophy in Miami in February 2010.”

How about that? Pretty close for a full year out. Too bad things only got worse as the season got closer.  

AFC East:

For pretty much this entire decade, there has really only been one team that is even worth mentioning from the AFC East – Mr. Belichick’s Wonder Emporium. Now, after a season in which Tom Brady hit a child sitting in the 3^rd row with his ACL, there is a new defending conference champion – Gloria Estefan’s Teal Warriors. So do the Dolphins turn the beat around and win it again? Ah no. The odds of Chad Pennington winning another title with no receivers and two mediocre running backs is about as good as the Miami Sound Machine having another top five hit. No, unfortunately for all of us, the Patriots will pick up right where they left off a couple seasons ago. Much is being made about the turnover in the Patriots defense, however it is ignored that all of the players that have been released are older than several new NFL head coaches. A youth movement is a good thing – especially when the Patriot defense wasn’t that good to begin with. No, sorry Pats haters, there is only place where anyone on the Patriots has competition from an AFC East rival and that is from the new Jets quarterback in answering the question ‘Which quarterback has the hottest significant other in the AFC East?’

Winner: Patriots (13-3)

Wild Card: None

Actual Winner: Patriots (10-6)

Actual Wild Card: Jets (9-7)

SD: So the Patriots weren’t quite the team I envisioned (wait until we get to my playoff projections) but at least I can chalk up a win for my projections! Don’t get used to it. While the Patriots aged faster than the cast of 90210, the Jets snuck up to surprise and ride momentum all the way to the AFC title game. Somehow the addition of a wide receiver who can’t catch and a quarterback who doesn’t like to throw to his own receivers were the missing ingredients for the Jets. I can’t be blamed for missing that.

2010 Projection: The trendy pick these days is the Jets based on their late season run into the playoffs. But have we all forgotten the lesson of Matt Ryan already? Sophomore campaigns are always tougher than rookie years. And Sanchez’s rookie year wasn’t really that great. I think the Patriots, though aging, have one more run in them. And let’s not forget about the Dolphins, who didn’t even start playing until October and still nearly made the playoffs.

2010 Winner: Dolphins (Wild Card: Patriots)

AFC North:

Do you remember the movie Groundhog Day? Remember the major city that Bill Murray, Andie MacDowell come from to film Punxsutawney Phil? That is right it’s Pittsburgh. Well, take the hint folks. For yet another year, the Steelers will win and the Ravens will ride the coattails of their defense and the minimum risk offense to a Wildcard berth. Sorry Bengals, I may like you more thanks to your appearance on Hard Knocks (I need more Chad Ochocinco in my life. His saying ‘call me’ as each cheerleader ran by him on last week’s episode was the funniest thing I have seen on TV all year) but they can’t compete with the Steelers and Ravens. And the Browns…oh the Browns. The combination of Eric Mangini, Brady Quinn, Braylon Edwards’ stone hands and rampant staph infections may make for lots of good jokes but not lots of wins.

Winner: Steelers (12-4)

Wild Card: Ravens (10-6)

Actual Winner: Bengals (10-6)

Actual Wild Card: Ravens (9-7)

SD: Well, on the bright side, the Ravens were a Wild Card team, so chalk one up for me. On the downside, the Bengals turned a starring turn in Hard Knocks into a surprise division title while the Steelers decided that this would take this year off and come back stronger next year. Funny, I always thought that was what the off-season was for. If I had written this last week I could say I still haven’t seen anything as funny as Ochocinco telling each cheerleader to call him but then I saw that Private Dancer on this week’s Bachelor. Sorry Chad.

2010 Projection: If Troy Polamalu’s hair returns healthy, it is hard to see the Steelers not regaining their place atop this division. The Bengals just feel like a team that were the beneficiaries of other team’s off years and I still don’t believe in the Ravens, not with a defense getting older by the day and the only growth in Joe Flacco’s game occurring between his eyebrows.

2010 Winner: Steelers

AFC South:

It seems fitting that the geography of the AFC South overlaps with the SEC, because it could be argued that the AFC South is the SEC of the NFL. Both conferences have more than one team that could challenge to be the best in the game; even the worst teams are better than many teams in other conferences and any conference member is thrilled to see a team from Ohio or Michigan on its schedule. So it is only fitting that I think a former SEC quarterback will re-assert his dominance and lead his team to another conference championship. While last season the Titans ended the Colts years of dominance, I don’t buy Kerry Collins two years in a row – especially with a less dominating defense, a harder schedule and still no wide receivers. On the bright side for Tennessee, with a tequila-less Lendale White leading the way, the Titans can eek into the playoffs over the perennial underachieving Jags (speaking of no wide receivers) and Texans (..actually I don’t know why the Texans underachieve every year, sort of like the Georgia Bulldogs).

Winner: Colts (11-5)

Wild Card: Titans (10-6)

Actual Winner: Colts (14-2)

Actual Wild Card: None

SD: The Colts were as solid and boring as advertised. The Titans made a valiant attempt to erase that 0-6 start and make it a clean sweep for me in the AFC South. It is shameful I made a joke about Kerry Collins and Lendale without mentioning Vince Young or Chris Johnson even once. I look forward to plenty of Vince Young / Chris Johnson jokes next year. I am guessing they will involve some combination of CJ looking like a rapper and VY going crazy last year. Thankfully I have a few months to work on them.

2010 Projection: Was the Super Bowl just a momentary blip on the Colts continued domination or was it the tipping point that will send them on a downward spiral that it now appears Super XLII was for the Pats? A little too soon to tell, but it is hard to see the Titans not showing up until week #7 for a second year in a row. Not with Li’l CJ and the real Vinsanity leading the way.

2010 Winner: Titans (Wild Card: Colts)

AFC West:

All reports from San Diego seem to show that Shawne Merriman was able to successfully rehab from last year’s knee injury. Even if he has returned successfully, I think we can all agree he would have been better off taking a cue from LenDale and sworn off Tequila as well. As much as I would love to see the Chargers season imploded by a slutty, bi-curious, reality dating show veteran; even Tila can’t stop the Chargers from winning the AFC West. There is just no other competition. The Broncos don’t have a quarterback and a horrendous schedule that offset an improved defense and running game. The only question around the Raiders and Chiefs this year is to which team has the biggest bust at quarterback. Congratulations Chargers – shots are on Shawne!

Winner: Chargers (11-5)

Wild Card: None

Actual Winner: Chargers (13-3)

SD: Well, the Broncos made the division interesting for at least 8 weeks but in the end the Chargers once again ran away with the AFC West. While it is easy to look back at the Broncos and say they collapsed once again, that is revisionist history. It is forgotten now but their 6 and 0 start was fueled by the Immaculate Deflection at Cincinnati in week #1 and wins against Oakland and Cleveland. The next three wins against Dallas (pre-Miles Austin), the Patriots at home and at the Chargers were impressive at the time but in hindsight the Cowboys were still struggling to find their offensive rhythm (see: overtime win at Kansas City the following week), the Patriots weren’t as strong as their reputations (and they were playing their former offensive coordinator) and the Chargers were coached by Norv Turner and therefore view the months of September and October as optional. Though, this in no way excuses home losses to the Raiders and Chiefs in the final 3 weeks of the season – that was just an embarrassment.

2010 Projection: Philip Rivers and the Chargers receivers continue to grow while at the same time the Chargers running game and defense slowly atrophies. Can the Chargers continue to improve or at least stay equally strong while feasting on the pathetic Chiefs and Raiders? At some point one of these other teams are going to grow up and challenge the Chargers. I think the Broncos are that team and a second year under Josh McDaniels may be the time. Assuming their quarterback gains confidence and they find a defensive coordinator, run defense, offensive line, running game and wide receiver to replace Brandon Marshall. See, they are just that close.  

2010 Winner: Broncos

Playoffs:

Wild Card:

Titans @ Chargers: After LaDanian and Phillip Rivers put 5 touchdowns on the Titans, Jeff Fisher stops second-guessing choosing moustache over full beard long enough to second-guess letting Albert Haynesworth sign with the Redskins.

Ravens @ Colts: Last year Bert Flacco proved that he won’t lose a playoff game for the Ravens. Unfortunately for him, Peyton has proven that he can win a playoff game for the Colts. Ray Lewis takes a stab at stopping him, but fails.

Divisional Playoffs:
Chargers @ Patriots: In the NFL, many hours and many words are spent analyzing teams and games, examining things from every possible angle – from individual position battles to the grass types used in various stadiums. However sometimes analyzing games is pretty simple.  Exhibit A: Norv Turner vs. Bill Belichick.

Colts @ Steelers: In the world of NFL stereotypes this would be a high-flying offense versus a dominating defense. But after the release of Marvin Harrison and the presumed kidnapping of Joseph Addai, the Colts offense won’t set scoring records like previous years. On the other side of the ball, the Steelers won a shootout with the Cardinals in the Super Bowl and the handcuffs are being taken off of Roethlisberger to really run this offense. And as Tahoe hotel hostesses will tell you, Big Ben is tough to handle when he isn’t being handcuffed.

AFC Championship:

Steelers @ Patriots: I consider this one too close to call. Frankly, I would say whichever team hosts this game becomes the winner here. So, you could argue that by placing second in the AFC East last season and securing a slightly easier schedule than 2008 AFC North Champ Steelers, the Patriots clinched another Super Bowl berth this year. Well played Pats. I tell you, Belichick really is a diabolical genius.

AFC Champion: Patriots

SD: Everything about this is so unbelievably wrong, it almost isn’t even worth talking about. Other than an incredibly insightful preview of the Ravens/Colts playoff game that actually did occur the rest of this is about as accurate as predictions on what will happen in the final season of Lost.

2010 Projections: So will last decade’s dynasties continue dominating the AFC for another year or do the new young promising teams step up and show who will be the leading teams in the teens? It is hard to say. But my early feeling is that the tide is turning so my initial call is that your 2010 AFC champs will be the Tennessee Titans after they beat the Steelers in the AFC title game.

Really the only thing we know for sure at this point is that the Chargers won’t play up to their ability. It is comforting to know that as a new decade dawns not everything changes.

We will come back next week with our review/preview of the NFC but this weekend Turner and I are taking a little field trip to JerryWorld. We are off to the NBA All Star Game and will have a full re-cap of the game and what it is like to watch a 110-yard long HD TV. Too bad J.R. Smith isn’t playing, I’m thinking some of his 3-pointers have a chance at hitting the bottom of the screen that the all of the NFL’s punters failed to hit this season.

Less than a year ago, a young brash coach came into the SEC – loudly announcing his presence by calling out the best team in the league and employing a number of questionable recruiting tactics. Needless to say the brain-washed ideology-blinded boosters of his school jumped for joy while the rest of the conference seethed at the arrogance of the new arrival.

Amazingly I am not talking about John Calipari.

As the dominoes continued to fall from Pete Carroll’s epically bad decision to move to Seattle and coach the Seahawks, there was one domino I was not expecting – Lane Kiffin accepting the USC head coaching job.

Only a year into his tenure at Tennessee, I never expected Kiffin to leave one of the most passionate fan bases in the country to go back to USC. At Tennessee he had the backing of school re-emerging from the stagnating pool that was the final years of the Phil Fulmer era, played in the best conference in football, a backyard filled with the best players in the country and built-in headline inducing rivals in Alabama and Florida on his schedule every year. In short, he was on his way to becoming deified by one of the most ravenous fan-bases in the country like Nick Saban has been in Alabama.

Instead he returns to USC to become ‘the guy who coached after Pete Carroll’. Sure, he will have continued success as he slowly empties the cupboards of Carroll’s annual top-five recruiting classes but has anything this guy done foreshadowed him keeping USC at the level it is currently?

Not to mention the always on the horizon possibility that the NCAA could finally dust off their investigation of Reggie Bush and impose sanctions on the Trojans.

Looking at Kiffin’s career objectively and the best comparison I can come up with is that he is the Jay Cutler of football coaches. He is young, brash and has never won anything yet continues to convince people he knows what he is doing. He left his first job after a blow up with management that in hindsight appears to be as much his fault as the seemingly crazy owner.

By now, it seems like a lifetime ago but we must remember USC is not pre-ordained to be a college football powerhouse. Before Pete Carroll came they were an also-ran in the Pac-10 still trading on the glory days in the 1970’s.

they came to Florida State in 1998 and the most memorable thing about that 30-10 drubbing was that Giles Pellerin, who had attended every USC game for 75 years, was introduced and got a standing ovation from the Nole crowd. Really, that is it. Back then beating USC was on par with beating Louisiana Tech for us – just another patsy to practice on until Miami or Florida came to town.

Speaking of the Gators, it is pretty obvious they are the big winners out all of this. Beside the inevitable shifting of recruiting commitments from Tennessee to UF that will stream out over the next couple weeks, there is also the feeling that this is the anointing of UF as the owners of the SEC East for the foreseeable future. There are no challengers left for UF – whether “Tin Man” Meyer ever gets a heart or not. Georgia are perennial underachievers with a 9 win ceiling that are happy if they keep the losing deficit at the World’s Largest Cocktail party under 20. Steve Spurrier will never get the talent in Columbia to compete with UF. And now Tennessee is a colossal mess.

This doesn’t even factor in the psychological edge that comes along with the one person in the SEC that called out UF, scurrying with his tail between his legs back to southern California where football ranks on the priority scale just below a good fish taco.

So, in this one move, it seems to me that we have sealed the fate of two of the biggest programs of this decade. USC will spiral down into mediocrity while the beautiful people migrate away from the Coliseum to cheering on the new Los Angeles Jaguars in a couple years. And the Gators become perennial SEC Championship game participants and BCS Title game candidates.

Maybe I am being too kind to Lane by comparing him to Jay Cutler.

Wednesday night I went to see Anthony Bourdain give a speech. Getting to see one of my heroes in life in person was great as he was everything I hoped for – funny, sarcastic, bitter, eloquent and hateful toward anyone and everyone associated with the Food Network. All in all it was everything I could have hoped for, short of him asking me be his companion on his next trip. Wait that came out wrong.

Or did it?

Anyway, the more interesting part of the night was when he opened the floor to questions from the audience. What we quickly realized (meaning me and the Mrs., not me and Anthony, as far as I know) was that the people asking questions seemed to be much more interested in talking about themselves than actually asking a question. I am pretty pathetic in my hero worship of people I admire (just wait until I go to the Bill Simmons book signing tonight) but to see these people waste the time of hundreds of strangers just to take a moment to tell Bourdain about themselves was pathetic and to be honest a little depressing. Whether it was that they just came in from Napa, are off to Italy or that they have a restaurant Tony has to visit all these people felt the need to speechify as much as actually ask a real question to Tony. Do any of us really care about you? Does Tony? Tony has been in my life for about 9 years now (this isn’t getting any better is it?) and I found it humorous to see all these people try and impress them with their…credentials. If there is anyone that would be at best unimpressed or at worst disgusted by people espousing their life story to try and impress him it is Tony. Beside, whose life is so pathetic that making announcement to try and impress strangers is the highlight of their week?

Isn’t that what writing on the internet is for?

On to this week’s THH. Turner and the Shadow were unable to join this week as they too are suffering post-Vegas. Only their illness is called ‘work and family’.

Let’s hope they recover soon.

College

NC State @ Va Tech

SD: This week for the college games I decide to go with what I am calling ‘The Danny Bonaduce Bowl’. Both match-ups are of schools that seem to have lower profile than their in-state neighbors. I know in the world of football Va Tech is bigger and better than UVA but for the rest of the world and the rest of the year, VT is just the sad little brother to Thomas Jefferson’s school. NC State not only sits in the shadow of UNC but also in the shadow of those insufferable Dookies. Remember the movie Titanic and the people called ‘steerage’ – all those people in the bowels of the ship, who drowned behind locked gates at each exit? In the hierarchy of North Carolina colleges, those people are the NC State Wolfpack. That is much sadder than being the school that inflicted the Vick family crime wave on all of us. Go Pack.

Oregon State @ Washington State

SD: I guess this one is really more for the other guys. As you may remember I am a beaver legacy – which nearly as dirty as it sounds since my dad went to OSU. Last week in Vegas I realized too late that I could lay down a parlay on the alma maters of my entire immediate family (Oregon State, Missouri, Wyoming and FSU) and it would have paid. In fact I could have laid down a money line bet on all four schools and won. Instead I did stupid things like analyzing the lines of all the games and betting on the teams that I thought most likely to cover. Obviously that didn’t work out – Vegas has been doing this a little longer than I have. Just stupid. But even they can’t account for the power of the family. I won’t make that mistake two weeks in a row. OOOOO SSSSS UUUU Oregon State, fight, fight, fight.

UPDATE: Since Turner and Shadow were unable to join, let’s just assume they are rooting for the Beavers. There is low-brow beaver joke here I am choosing to ignore. I am better than that.

 NFL:

Indianapolis @ Baltimore

SD: In the NFL, this week we have two match-ups of teams that have a common foundation. The Colts started in Baltimore before sneaking away to Indianapolis in the middle of the night in 1984. Not exactly sure what the Irsay family saw in Indianapolis. Guess they are bigger fans of corn than crab. Maybe Kerouac had some good things to say about it in On The Road (full disclosure: I haven’t finished On The Road, I know, it is shameful but I did go visit Bobby’s scroll when it was on exhibit here in Denver). Anyway, I probably like the Colts team better, but you gotta root for Baltimore in this one. Only a cold, heartless jerk would root for the abandoner over the abandonee. That means there is only person rooting for the Colts: Mark Mangino.

Tennessee @ Houston

SD: As I slide ever closer to middle-age I find myself becoming one of those annoying old men that always thinks how it was is always better than how it is. You know those men as ‘sportswriters’. Anyway, I still remember the powder blue unis of the old Oilers. Warren Moon leading the run-and-shoot with those many anonymous tiny receivers (Haywood Jeffries, anyone?). Those were classic teams, even if they drove me nuts when they played my Broncos. These Texan teams? Umm, not so much. So, with a nod to Earl Campbell, Warren Moon, Lorenzo White and Drew Hill, I am going with the Titans.

You may remember this past summer, when Michael Jackson and Steve McNair died in the span of just a few days, I wrote a column about how the way someone dies shouldn’t overshadow the way they lived.

Well, in a slightly less lethal way, I was reminded of that lesson this week. You see, Mickey Andrews confirmed the worst kept secret in Tallahassee not involving Charlie Crist’s sex life. After 26 years with the Noles, Andrews, the defensive coordinator is retiring. While the myopic may look at the Noles giving up 34, 28, 44, 27 and 42 points already this season and say ‘well, he was going whether he wanted to or not’, it is only appropriate to take a step back and appreciate Andrews’ entire career.

Not only was Andrews’ defense the real key to making the Noles the best team in college football  for about a decade and a half (quick – how many quarterbacks can you name for the Noles from 1987 – 2000?) but he also helped teach some of the greatest defensive players in the game. Deion Sanders, Derrick Brooks – two of the best players at their position in the history of the sport learned from Andrews. And, given their off-the-field personalities, it is pretty clear Andrews is not a coach that requires mindless automatons unlike some other less flexible coaches. Add in other players like Terrell Buckley, LeRoy Butler, Marvin Jones, Pete Boulware, Bryant McFadden, Chris Hope, Lawrence Timmons, Darnell Dockett, Antonio Cromartie – Andrews has been responsible for more great players than Nick Saban, Pete Carroll and Jim Tressell combined.

While I may mock and curse the Noles disappointing performance this year, that doesn’t mean I have anything but respect for Mickey. So, enjoy your retirement Mickey.

Next year, you can join the rest of us in complaining about the Noles disappointing performance.

While, I am stuck working in San Francisco for the weekend, Turner and the Shadow have roadtripped to Lincoln for the OU/NU game. Sadly, they are only 24 years too late for it to really matter but never-the-less I am probably the first person mad to be stuck in San Francisco rather than Lincoln for the weekend.

Turner: Wednesday Nov 5^th:

From 30,000 feet above the great beige landscape of Wyoming, we are coming to you with the weekly edition of THH.  I’m a bit concerned about our readership as no one asked the question of why there were no NFL games?  I’m sure SuperDave will admit to his careless attention to detail and lack of focus of quality on this over-read blog.

The week thus far has consisted of Boise, ID.  Let me tell you of the GREATEST invention ever….Fry Sauce…… I will likely be starting a “frysauceblog” to rate and gather scientific information about the concoction of mayonnaise, ketchup, paprika, and horseradish (just one recipe) that might be the most heavenly thing since, well, hmmmmmm……. I’m not sure if there is a comparison.   Apparently this is a Northwest (or at least Idaho) thing.  Every restaurant has their own recipe and fast food restaurants carry it as part of their standard condiment package.  As the Shadow will attest, I found this one of the most amazing creations ever created.  So I have a new endeavor in life, and that is to spread the greatness of Fry Sauce to the rest of America.  If you haven’t tried, please use this opportunity to experience the essence of why food was put on this earth.   A condiment that can double as ‘soup’ and be eaten alone is truly a National Treasure.   

If you are a facebook aficionado (like SuperDave just became!) please visit the official site…

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Fry-Sauce/74421423291?v=feed&story_fbid=116075066313

Thursday Nov 6^th:

We aren’t quite in the air any more and we aren’t quite ready for football picks… We just passed the sign on Interstate 80 for the Original Pony Express Station somewhere in Western Nebraska.  The Shadow is flying at 80 mph in our Pontiac G6 while we listen to his variety of Taylor Swift, Def Leopard, Michael Jackson, and Tiffany.  Yes, I’m stuck in this silver bullet absolutely dying right now.  He took control of the radio and will not relinquish it.  The other issue I’m facing is that the Shadow will not turn on the in-car circulation and if you have every been to NE Colorado or Western Nebraska (or any of Nebraska), the putrid smell of cow manure has officially been absorbed into my OKC Thunder T-shirt and hair follicles.  I’m pretty sure if I’m suggest to a drug test over the next 6 months, I might fail b/c what has been absorbed into my system….. With that I must quickly supply a very short explanation b/c I am losing all oxygen b/c I officially can not breathe. This might be the last you’ll ever hear from me so I’m giving the Shadow my credentials to send this message upon my death.  It has been a good ride…. MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Shadow: People always give me crap for being a Yankee fan.  My first actual memories of baseball are from the Bucky Dent game in 1978, when I was 6 years old and sitting in the kitchen watching a tiny black and white TV with my dad, who was a big Yankees fan.  It was only natural that I would become one as well, and as I have told many friends over the years, I had to go from 1978-1996 before I got to witness another World Series victory, so don’t give me any sh*t about being some late ’90′s bandwagoner.  That being said, I am lucky enough to have gotten to enjoy 5 titles in the last 13 years, and have enjoyed every minute of it.  The Yankees have the most money, blah, blah, blah, blah.  Yeah, and I wish Iowa could recruit blue chips from the Southeast or California or Texas.   Every sport, although maybe Pro Football the least, has some sort of talent disparity, if not payroll disparity.  Get over it.  Okay, now that the rant is out of the way, I can try and summon up the hatred.

College

LSU @ Alabama

SD: This week, rather than coming up with some obscure reason to pick rooting interests in games no one actually cares about, we are entering the heavyweight division. We are picking the two biggest games of the week. First stop Tuscaloosa. I could argue that I am picking LSU because I don’t think Alabama can beat UF and I want to minimize the inevitable win for UF in the SEC title game. I could say that rather than hearing about Bama and UF playing a playoff game for the BCS title game in the SEC title game will drive me insane and a foregone conclusion of LSU losing again to UF would be much easier to digest. I could argue all of these things but really I am cheering for LSU because I have always felt that the fans of Baton Rouge were kindred spirits and even more importantly, because I would love to get more kindred with the female spirits of LSU, if you know what I mean. Oh yeah, and I hate Nick Saban.

Turner: Air Boats and Creole over Winnebago’s and BBQ

Shadow: With my Hawkeyes perched where they have never flown before in the BCS standings, it is only natural that all of my hatred is squarely focused on the three teams ahead of them, one of which is the Crimson Tide.  Every week I am hoping for a loss from Bama, and every week I am disappointed.  I am pulling for the Tigers here.

Ohio State @ Penn State

SD: In just about every other year, this game would be to decide who gets to go to the Rose Bowl (or BCS Title game) and get slaughtered by a more athletic team from the west or south. This year, however – thanks to Shadow’s boys from the creatively named Iowa City –  it is really only to decide who will take the lead in the recruiting battle for some ‘athletic’ (meaning athletic relative to the rest of his state) high school senior from either Ohio or Pennsylvania that will be the next savior of the Big Ten to come in and not really do much. Call it the Terrelle Pryor bowl. So, which fanbase takes the lead in the sweepstakes to mutter ‘damn, another fumble, at least it wasn’t another interception’ each week for the next half-decade? I will go with Ohio State only because it is always fun to watch Kirk Herbstreit try and rationalize how OSU is athletic enough this year to compete, when they never are.

Turner: On this one, the pick is for the Shadow… We need to fully root for PSU on this one so that in the event that Iowa ‘may’ (but definitely won’t) stumble against Ohio State in 2 weeks, the Hawkeyes still get to go to the Rose Bowl (with easy wins against Northwestern and Minnesota!!)  Ideally, they will be undefeated but this White Out win at least will guarantee the Rose Bowl for the Shadow, which he said he would attend!

Shadow: This one is going to be very petty and very self-serving.  I want Iowa to go undefeated.  If that is not going to happen, then I want them to win the Big 10 and play in the Rose Bowl for only the 3rd time while I have been cognizant of college football.  Both of the last two times (1985 and 1990) were utter failures.  I want them to go to the Rose Bowl and kick the ass of some Pac-10 team like we kick the ass of SEC teams in bowls.  We hold a win over Penn State.  We play Ohio State next week.  If Penn State beats Ohio State, then technically we could still lose to Ohio State and win the Big 10 based on them having 2 losses and us owning a win over Penn State.  So for this weekend, I am totally a supporter of Linebacker U.

NFL

Tennessee @ San Francisco

SD: My secret theme this week in the NFL is simple. Music. We are again visiting Tennessee (or the middle) but this time they are representing country music. San Fran, of course, is the home or adopted home of almost every important 60’s band. Despite reading Chuck Klosterman’s chapter on the retrospectively weird Garth Brooks /Chris Gaines experiment last week, I have to go with San Francisco. The Dead or the Gaitlin Brothers? Minnie Pearl or Janice Joplin? Grand Ole Opry or the Fillmore? Hee Haw or the Electic Kool Aid Acid Test? Please.

Turner: Pull my pants down for this one, Niners roll!!! 

Shadow: Vince Young versus Alex Smith.  Vince Young went to Texas.  Alex Smith was coached by Urban Meyer.  Vince Young singlehandedly beat Michigan and USC in back to back years on New Years Day.  Alex Smith led Utah to its only undefeated season ever.  Vince Young won a national title.  Alex Smith and Utah were one of the first “BCS Busters”.  Sense a trend here?  Exactly…we must focus on their college careers because each has been pretty much a bust to this point in the pros.  But both have another chance to grab the reins and turn their careers around.  How can we hate that?  We love second chance stories.  Call this one a push.

Detroit @ Seattle

SD: Motown versus the grunge movement. Well, next time I get home I will probably put on a flannel and I have several Pearl Jam songs on my Ipod. Does that answer your question as to which I am picking?

Turner: This one is for the Java, my operating system, and rain over gun-shots and….  Hmmm……Eminem??   Go ‘hawks!! 

Shadow: KISS versus Nirvana.  Pontiac Silverdome versus the Kingdome.   Starbucks coffee versus Little Caesar’s pizza.  How sucky would it be to have to be in Detroit where they hold one out of every 8 Super Bowls or so, and know that your team is far, far, far, far away from ever getting to the big dance, and there are no signs of a turnaround?   But, you know what…..I just really, really hate the Seahawks throwback jerseys.  More like throw-up jerseys.  Blecch.  Let’s see if the Lions can shock the world and double their win total to ’2′.

I’m still hurting from the heart-breaking, soul-crushing loss for my Noles the other night. There are really only two bright spots getting me through the day right now. First, is that the Noles showed a lot of life in losing to the Canes, just enough for this optimistic fool to envision them stomping their way through the Mormons in a couple weeks and then the ACC, lining up a re-match against UM with a BCS game on the line. Of course that utopian vision will be crushed once again when Georgia Tech runs for 650 yards on them in October.

The other bright spot is that the boys are joined by the men this coming weekend. After a long, hot summer the NFL finally returns.

So to kick off your NFL Week #1, I am back with my annual ‘Only NFL Preview You Need’. Not because my preview is so great, but mostly because they are all equally worthless. Always remember No One Knows Nothing. All of the experts have been picking the Chargers to win the Super Bowl for years – how has that worked out so far?

Let’s start with the AFC today and come back with the NFC tomorrow.

AFC East:

For pretty much this entire decade, there has really only been one team that is even worth mentioning from the AFC East – Mr. Belichick’s Wonder Emporium. Now, after a season in which Tom Brady hit a child sitting in the 3^rd row with his ACL, there is a new defending conference champion – Gloria Estefan’s Teal Warriors. So do the Dolphins turn the beat around and win it again? Ah no. The odds of Chad Pennington winning another title with no receivers and two mediocre running backs is about as good as the Miami Sound Machine having another top five hit. No, unfortunately for all of us, the Patriots will pick up right where they left off a couple seasons ago. Much is being made about the turnover in the Patriots defense, however it is ignored that all of the players that have been released are older than several new NFL head coaches. A youth movement is a good thing – especially when the Patriot defense wasn’t that good to begin with. No, sorry Pats haters, there is only place where anyone on the Patriots has competition from an AFC East rival and that is from the new Jets quarterback in answering the question ‘Which quarterback has the hottest significant other in the AFC East?’

Winner: Patriots (13-3)

Wild Card: None

AFC North:

Do you remember the movie Groundhog Day? Remember the major city that Bill Murray, Andie MacDowell come from to film Punxsutawney Phil? That is right it’s Pittsburgh. Well, take the hint folks. For yet another year, the Steelers will win and the Ravens will ride the coattails of their defense and the minimum risk offense to a Wildcard berth. Sorry Bengals, I may like you more thanks to your appearance on Hard Knocks (I need more Chad Ochocinco in my life. His saying ‘call me’ as each cheerleader ran by him on last week’s episode was the funniest thing I have seen on TV all year) but they can’t compete with the Steelers and Ravens. And the Browns…oh the Browns. The combination of Eric Mangini, Brady Quinn, Braylon Edwards’ stone hands and rampant staph infections may make for lots of good jokes but not lots of wins.

Winner: Steelers (12-4)

Wild Card: Ravens (10-6)

AFC South:

It seems fitting that the geography of the AFC South overlaps with the SEC, because it could be argued that the AFC South is the SEC of the NFL. Both conferences have more than one team that could challenge to be the best in the game; even the worst teams are better than many teams in other conferences and any conference member is thrilled to see a team from Ohio or Michigan on its schedule. So it is only fitting that I think a former SEC quarterback will re-assert his dominance and lead his team to another conference championship. While last season the Titans ended the Colts years of dominance, I don’t buy Kerry Collins two years in a row – especially with a less dominating defense, a harder schedule and still no wide receivers. On the bright side for Tennessee, with a tequila-less Lendale White leading the way, the Titans can eek into the playoffs over the perennial underachieving Jags (speaking of no wide receivers) and Texans (..actually I don’t know why the Texans underachieve every year, sort of like the Georgia Bulldogs).

Winner: Colts (11-5)

Wild Card: Titans (10-6)

AFC West:

All reports from San Diego seem to show that Shawne Merriman was able to successfully rehab from last year’s knee injury. Even if he has returned successfully, I think we can all agree he would have been better off taking a cue from LenDale and sworn off Tequila as well. As much as I would love to see the Chargers season imploded by a slutty, bi-curious, reality dating show veteran; even Tila can’t stop the Chargers from winning the AFC West. There is just no other competition. The Broncos don’t have a quarterback and a horrendous schedule that offset an improved defense and running game. The only question around the Raiders and Chiefs this year is to which team has the biggest bust at quarterback. Congratulations Chargers – shots are on Shawne!

Winner: Chargers (11-5)

Wild Card: None

Playoffs:

Wild Card:

Titans @ Chargers: After LaDanian and Phillip Rivers put 5 touchdowns on the Titans, Jeff Fisher stops second-guessing choosing moustache over full beard long enough to second-guess letting Albert Haynesworth sign with the Redskins.

Ravens @ Colts: Last year Bert Flacco proved that he won’t lose a playoff game for the Ravens. Unfortunately for him, Peyton has proven that he can win a playoff game for the Colts. Ray Lewis takes a stab at stopping him, but fails.

Divisional Playoffs:
Chargers @ Patriots: In the NFL, many hours and many words are spent analyzing teams and games, examining things from every possible angle – from individual position battles to the grass types used in various stadiums. However sometimes analyzing games is pretty simple.  Exhibit A: Norv Turner vs. Bill Belichick.

Colts @ Steelers: In the world of NFL stereotypes this would be a high-flying offense versus a dominating defense. But after the release of Marvin Harrison and the presumed kidnapping of Joseph Addai, the Colts offense won’t set scoring records like previous years. On the other side of the ball, the Steelers won a shootout with the Cardinals in the Super Bowl and the handcuffs are being taken off of Roethlisberger to really run this offense. And as Tahoe hotel hostesses will tell you, Big Ben is tough to handle when he isn’t being handcuffed.

AFC Championship:

Steelers @ Patriots: I consider this one too close to call. Frankly, I would say whichever team hosts this game becomes the winner here. So, you could argue that by placing second in the AFC East last season and securing a slightly easier schedule than 2008 AFC North Champ Steelers, the Patriots clinched another Super Bowl berth this year. Well played Pats. I tell you, Belichick really is a diabolical genius.

AFC Champion: Patriots