I am back today with my best suggestions as to who each NFC team should draft – whether they want to or not.

NFC East

Dallas Cowboys – Sitting in his War Room on Thursday, I imagine Jerry Jones will command his team to ‘go draft the best’. Afraid of their owner’s wrath, the Cowboys draft Jahvid Best despite a multitude of running backs on the roster. On the bright side, coming from northern California, Best should be able to help Jones expand his wine appreciation to some less popular labels.

New York Giants – After last season’s epic collapse of the Giants running game, there is a need to find some new blood for the Giants backfield. Dexter McCluster, the hybrid running back/receiver out of Ole Miss would finally give the Giants a playmaking threat. And it gives Eli Manning someone to reminisce with about all those crazy nights at the Ole Miss Alpha Delta Pi house out of earshot from the old ball and chain. Man, those AD Pi’s are WILD.  

Philadelphia Eagles – In the last year, the Eagles have jettisoned long time Safety Brian Dawkins, running back Brian Westbrook and quarterback Donovan McNabb. In steps Kevin Kolb at quarterback and LeSean McCoy at running back. Now, the Eagles can draft Eric Berry at Safety. There is no chance that Eagles fans could come up with bad names to call him with a last name like Berry. On the bright side, if that doesn’t motivate him to play well nothing will.

Washington Redskins – The Redskins just traded for a veteran QB that is occasionally shaky and prone to errors in big spots. If Shanahan’s handling of Jake Plummer in Denver is any indication, expect the Skins to draft a talented and arrogant quarterback with little history of winning in college. Coincidentally, that exact phrase is written on Jimmy Clausen’s business cards.

NFC North

Minnesota Vikings – Of course this time of year, there is one big question in Minnesota. Everyone needs to know when the team’s most important player will return. I for one am not worried about it. Joe Nathan’s replacement has done fine in the closer role for the Twins so far. As for that other guy. I would suggest drafting Jevan Snead out of Ole Miss as a potential ‘back-up plan’ but does any Viking fan really have the appetite for dealing with another quarterback out of Mississippi?

Green Bay Packers – In a year after Aaron Rodgers spent most of the snaps running for his life, the Packers need to get some more help on the offensive line. Mike Iupati, the guard out of Idaho is a perfect fit in more ways than one. He is a Samoan from the northwest rather than a redneck from the south, his name has too many vowels at the beginning of it rather than too many consonants at the end. He is the exact opposite of a certain player none too popular around Lambeau these days.

Detroit Lions – After addressing the offense over the last couple of drafts, the Lions need to start shoring up their defense. Gerald McCoy, the defensive tackle out of Oklahoma is a good fit. With a quarterback that couldn’t beat Florida in college and a wide receiver from a mediocre ACC team, it only makes sense to draft a defensive player that couldn’t beat Texas. Now the Lions may achieve their dream of being as good as a second rate college team. Quite a step up over the last few years for the Lions.

Chicago Bears – The Bears should trade up to draft Ndamukong Suh, to help fortify the defensive line with the release of Alex Brown and the inevitable Tommy Harris injury. Plus then Adewale Ogunleye won’t be the toughest pronunciation on the team. Oh wait, the Bears have no picks to trade up since acquiring Jay Cutler? Wow, that trade keeps paying big dividends, huh Bears fans?

NFC South

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – In his first year as head coach, Raheem Morris cleaned house of the veterans that made up one of the better defenses in the league. Now they are one of the worst. I don’t know who the Bucs could draft to improve them but I know one person they won’t draft: Myron Rolle. If Morris’s massive insecurity kept him from keeping Derrick Brooks on the roster, what are the odds he could handle Rhodes Scholar Rolle on his team?

Carolina Panthers – Taylor Mays, USC’s freaky athlete Safety, would be an immediate improvement for the Panthers secondary. And at 6’3”, 230 pounds, he is more than big enough to fend off any practice time attacks by Steve Smith.

Atlanta Falcons – Last year seemed to demonstrate that Michael Turner may have been a one-year wonder in Atlanta. Maybe it is time the Falcons look for another runner for Turner to split carries with. CJ Spiller is the best running back (and maybe athlete) in the draft. Plus coming from Clemson I am sure he is well acquainted with the Georgia Dome turf, home to the Chick Fil-A Peach Bowl where the 3^rd place ACC team annually plays.

New Orleans Saints – They may not need him, but really is there any other team that Tim Tebow should play for? They are named the Saints! During the next hurricane he can hold up the levies by himself.

NFC West

St. Louis Rams – Seeking to re-ignite the offense formerly known as the The Greatest Show on Turf, the Rams will draft Sam Bradford. Bradford is a natural fit after leading Bob Stoops record breaking offense at Oklahoma. As long as the Rams don’t play in a BCS Bowl, I have complete confidence in Sam being able to bring his collegiate success to the pros.

San Francisco Forty-Niners – Always seeking some talent to make their horrid quarterback situation look somewhat mediocre, the Forty-Niners recently traded for Ted Ginn Jr. The perfect player to complement Ginn would be Arrelious Benn out of Illinois. Like Ginn, Benn is an oft-injured, underperforming but speedy and talented wide receiver out of the Big Ten. See? Like they are twins separated at birth.

Seattle Seahawks – Brian Bulaga is the natural fit for the Seahawks. Not only could he potentially step in and address the massive gap left by Walter Jones’ retirement at left tackle but with a last name that sounds like a fish egg appetizer he would fit right at home in a town known best for throwing fish around.

Arizona Cardinals – the Cardinals are still looking for more help on the defensive side of the ball. This offseason they lost linebacker Carlos Dansby and Safety Antrell Rolle but picked up walking mouth Joey Porter and Rex Ryan regurgitation Kerry Rhodes. If the Cardinals draft USC defensive end Everson Griffen not only could he help fortify their defensive line but will also stand in as a hot tub buddy for Matt Leinart, a huge gap on the team currently. That is unless the Cardinals doubt Leinart’s starting ability and trade for Ben Roethlisberger. Big Ben and Leinart on the same team? The ladies of Arizona won’t know what him them. Literally.

We tried a little something different this week. Rather than the typical approach of my reviewing the games this weekend and identifying which we will choose (either using some theme I make up as I go or just based purely on the most random match-ups I can find), I have decided to outsource the selection this week.

After my much maligned selections last week, I decided it was time for Turner and Shadow to ‘put up or shut up’. For the next two weeks, they will take turns deciding which games we will pick, based on whatever criteria or theme they so desire.

I admit it was a little hard for me to give up my power. After receiving Shadow’s games this week, I naturally started second guessing him. Once Turner and I cracked the puzzle wrapped in an enigma shrouded in mystery that was Shadow’s “hint”, I immediately started looking at the other games and seeing what other games could have met the criteria or made up alternative criteria. Not very host-like of me, I admit. I invite Shadow to lead the game for a week and yet I can’t give up control long enough to let him lead for once.

After all of the Favre bashing I have done over the years, it turns out I am just like him. I too am unable to give up the control and just be a member of the team. That is frankly a little disconcerting. I always thought of myself as better than that. I have been on many sports teams in the past, and was always just one of the team (probably to the detriment of my athletic career on occasion, but let’s not open that can of mental worms). I have never thought of myself as above the team – who is this I have become?

However, Brett has done ok for himself, so maybe I should just embrace this new disturbing reality and go load up on Wranglers tomorrow.

Turner: Hello readers, Feliz Navidad, Happy Hanukah, Merry Christmas, Joyous Festivas or just a flat out Happy Holiday Season.  It is a great season to take time on what we are so thankful for.   I’m thankful for (in no particular order except the first one)

• The Shadow (it’s his birthday!!) and Super Dave’s Friendship
• Las Vegas during football season (except the parlays and the Patriots) and March Madness Free Throw Betting
• Introduction to Poker – being able to dominate The Shadow at heads up is so great
• Bill Simmons & Chuck Klosterman (even better together – like Peanut Butter and Jelly)
• Watching Tom Brady miss a wide-open Wes Welker, appearing on Sportcenter (covering my eyes) and watching the Broncos beat the Pats
• Having a Sooner win every college basketball award and live up to their seeding (no football thankfulness included)
• Lakers / Nuggets Western Conference Finals (regardless of the outcome)
• Iowa Hawkeyes BCS Bowl Berth (R.I.P. Sooner and Noles)
• THE MIGHTY SMU MUSTANGS GOING TO A BOWL!! 
• This Blog which you will learn over time is historically significant
• Manute Bol

This list will continue to expand but like usual, I’m late submitting so I’ll stop there…..  Onto THH, The Shadow had the option of selecting the theme this week.  He did a fine job and as usual went with a simple theme but Super Dave and I made it too complex.  In the end, it was Non-Super Bowl attendee vs. a Super Bowl winner but during my research, it could have easily been what Mormon who played for these teams did you like more.  It was very fascinating that probably 30% of all Mormons that have played in the NFL have played for the 49ers…. I feel much more educated now because of this research.  Onto this pick’em….

Shadow: The theme of this week’s THH, as brought to you by The Shadow, is Haves versus Have Nots.  Each matchup pits a team that has never even made it to the Super Bowl against a team that has gone and has never lost in the Super Bowl.  As a Denver Bronco fan, I can honestly say that I am not sure if it is worse to have never gone, or to have gone and never won, as I had to endure throughout my formative years with the Broncos.  I can tell you one thing, though, I truly hated each of the teams that defeated the Broncos in the Super Bowl, and some of that hatred still spills over today.  Thankfully, my team was able to capture a couple of big games, so that has tempered it a bit.

NFL

(Actual phrasing of Shadow’s message: I will give you one hint:  it has nothing to do with individual players or coaches)

Detroit @ San Francisco

 SD: This is the game that started all of the problems. You see, after getting Shadow’s email, I was in the car driving so I had some time to sit and think about the match-ups he selected. The main problem with this game is that there are too many connections between these two teams. Both teams were coached by Steve Mariucci. Matt Millen played for the Niners before destroying the Lions. Detroit was the site of the Niners first Super Bowl victory. San Francisco is one of the coolest cities in America. Detroit is not. However, as you will see none of these apply to the second game. Well as it turns out, one thing does apply. The Lions are one of five teams that have not even appeared in a Super Bowl (quick, name them all – you have until the end of today’s post, which should be about the same time it took me) and as we all know the Niners have appeared in and won 5 Super Bowls (another fun game, how many teams have won every one of their appearances in the Super Bowl. Let me see if I can come up with the list for that as well). So, that is our quandary today – do we cheer for a champion or take pity on the less unfortunate among us? I recognize that it is the holiday season and we should look out for our fellow man and all of that, so I guess the answer is obvious. You could even say that the Lions are the NFL equivalent of poor Tiny Time Cratchit. However, while it may be the holidays we are still Americans. And Americans love winners. Mostly so we can tear them down later, but we still love winners. So, you know what? Tiny Tim can suck it. God bless us, everyone? More like God blesses the winners. Go Niners.

Turner: Couldn’t be easier.  Given geography (why we have THH to begin with), the fact that I really have no reason to ever want another championship of any kind in Detroit, and the Niners are the GREATEST team ever, it has to be the fighting Alex Smiths.  The resurgence is back, the dynasty is being formed and hello Super Bowl in 3 years (as soon as we break in a new QB).  As SuperDave’s favorite shirt logo from this year, Who needs a V.D. when we have crabs (or other way around… )

Shadow: Even if it wasn’t for the pounding they put on my beloved Broncos in the Super Bowl, I was already insanely jealous over their success in the 80′s and had a couple of truly obnoxious bandwagon friends at school who not surprisingly would later become Cowboy fans in the 90′s…and I am sure if I kept in touch with them I would find they are currently Patriots fans.  I always felt bad for Barry Sanders being saddled with the Lions.  He deserved much better.  I am going to pull for Detroit in this one.

Tampa Bay @ New Orleans

SD: Another match-up of a Super Bowl winner and one of the Dreadful Five that have never made it to the Big Game. While the Saints have never made it to a Super Bowl, they have appeared in the THH quite regularly and I have to admit that this may be the first time their THH performance has resulted in my cheering against them. As much as I love everything about the Saints, they have no chance of competing with a Bucs team that won a Super Bowl while I cheered them on from a bar in downtown Washington D.C. where I may or may not have been sitting near Malcolm Jamal Warner. Sorry, Saints you can’t compete with Theo Huxtable. Though, I guess there is always a chance that I could someday cheer on a Saints Super Bowl appearance with Tempestt Bledsoe or Keshia Knight Pulliam. But until then, go Bucs.

Turner: Geaux Saints.  They need to win. The city needs a win. The falling down Super Dome with those awful colored splotched seats needs more revenue for renovation, Sean Payton & Drew Brees are greatness.  Tampa should have never won one and don’t deserve another one ever.  They aren’t even trying to field a competitive team. On the social scene, New Orleans has Bourbon street where you can see the real thing at every turn while in Tampa you get the original home of Hooters in nearby Clearwater where they just tease you. I don’t like being teased, it reminds me too much of 5^th grade where the kids picked me to always not be on their team and in 8^th grade where Elizabeth told me she ‘liked’ me.  It was a tease and I will never recover. 

Shadow: I actually loved it when the Bucs pummeled the Raiders.  The only thing worse than having to watch Rich Gannon carve up a Broncos defense is having to now listen to him commentate.  New Orleans has obviously had a long and storied tradition of suckitude, and I think the loss to the Cowboys is just what that team may have needed to harden them for a deep playoff run this year.  Let’s face it, New Orleans is easily the team “never to have gone to a Super Bowl” that is the closest to actually being able to remove that distinction.  And I really can’t hate them for it.  Let the Saints come Marching In!

Quiz answers:

No Super Bowl appearances: Detroit, New Orleans, Jacksonville, Cleveland, Houston.

Won every Super Bowl appearance (doing this from memory): San Francisco, Tampa Bay, New York Jets, Baltimore Ravens

It is a Thursday morning at PFB HQ. I arrived home from the City by the Bay late last night and in less than 24 hours we will be taking the official THH road trip to Las Vegas. It is hard to hate much when you are staring right at 3 days of the blackjack tables and sports book in Mandalay Bay. Other than unfriendly dealers of course.

What is it about a pending trip to Vegas that consumes your life? I went to Europe a couple months ago but did I obsess about all things European before going? Did I watch subtitled French art films, eat cheese and drink wine? Did I eat sausage and beer at every meal until the only thing keeping beer from seeping out every pore of my body was that the pores were clogged with pork fat? No, I didn’t. At least no more than usual.

Yet, with a trip to Vegas on the horizon, I am suddenly consumed with gambling. Whether it is innocent sport-picking games on espn.com, watching poker on TV or playing my little handheld blackjack game, it has been all- gambling, all-the-time for me this week. Why is that? I know I am going to lose large amounts of money, so it isn’t like I think all of this work will give me some sort of edge.

All of this makes we wonder if I have wee-bit of a gambling problem. But I don’t think I do for two reasons. First, is that I am too cheap to lose a ton of money. The second is that I have convinced myself that I only really like gambling as a way to stroke the competitiveness that is no longer a daily part of my life as it was back in my younger days. Now, that I am evolving into a decrepit old man that groans when he stands up and sighs when he sits down, I need some competition to keep me going. Demonstrating my superior knowledge through making money is the perfect avenue for that.

What do they say? Admitting you have a problem is the first step? Well, I won’t be taking that step until at least Monday.  

Turner: I learned a valuable lesson this past week… The more you look forward to something, the more disappointed you will be.  That happened as the Shadow and I made a road trip to Lincoln to watch my beloved Sooners take on the Huskers.  My anticipation had been building for the past 4 months for this game.  It had been a dream of mine since I was a kid to go to Lincoln and even though the rivalry (or greatness of the teams) isn’t the same, it brought back so many great memories that caused me to love college football.   I Highly recommend everyone make it to Lincoln for a game, and if you do, you must attend Sidetracks, a local bar full of Huskers and a live band spending the entire time berating the other team with some good ol’ fashioned humor and jesting.  That was pretty much the highlight of the weekend…..

From there the Shadow and I woke up and worked out (not together for either item) and made our way to a local bar for the Iowa game.  I won’t go into any details on that painful experience but to watch a dear friend suffer in misery but try to maintain a positive attitude was not enjoyable.   We then went there and as SD recapped, did a bit of tailgating, beer drinking (me, not the Shadow), and watching pretty much all 80,000 people come up to the Shadow (who was wearing his Iowa Shirt and Hat) and say “Hey man, did you see the Iowa game today” or “Hey man, did Iowa pull it out” or “Hey man, you do know that you lost to Northwestern, right”.  At any rate, the Shadow handled himself much better than I would have, he simply smiled (showing his sharp pointy hawkeye teeth) and said “yep”.   No anger, nothing… I was proud to be near a man (not that near) that had such composure. 

The roles reversed as the University of Oklahoma apparently left their entire football team in Norman (or they stayed at Sidetracks much too long).  To watch your team march past the 50 so many times and yet never score was painful.  But like the Shadow, I never raised my voice or lost my cool (thanks mostly to the 8 year old boy sitting in front of us).  I simply accepted the fact that this season sucks and I drove 8 hours through smelly, flat-land to watch my team lay a gigantic egg.  After the game, the Shadow and I simply walked back to the car with everyone we know asking the same three questions to me that they were asking the Shadow early (except insert “crappy a$$ Sooners” in for “Iowa”).  We held our heads high knowing that it isn’t the end of the world.

Why?  Well of course is because as bad as last weekend was, this weekend will be 100,000,000 times better.  In 48 hours, we’ll be in Vegas and I’m feeling it, starting with my first ever poker tournament on Friday night.  Karma will turn and by the end of the weekend, you will be comparing the names of Turner, SD, and The Shadow to those of famous Vegas lore.  Hopefully the stories will be so deep that we’ll get 2 or three posting out of it next week.  So I bid adieu to Lincoln and welcome the bright lights of Sin City, what a week.

Shadow: The dream is over.  Jimmy Vandenberg’s debut reminded me of the Tommy “Turnover” Maddox era for my Broncos.  To be fair, it was his first extended action, but, dammit……it was Northwestern!  I would like to think we have enough talent to still beat Northwestern even without QB1 and RB1 and RB2.  Sad.  And this was after the Broncos had already succumbed to their first defeat, and have since added on another, and the offense looks atrocious.  The Autumn of the Shadow has now turned into The Fall of the Shadow’s Football Teams.  I am trying hard to focus on this THH, but it is difficult. 

 Last weekend started so promising.  Road trip with Turner to Lincoln for the big Nebraska-OU showdown.  Friday night stop at “Sidetracks”, a local Lincoln joint only open on home game weekends.  Not much talent in the room, although there was plenty on the stage as the Sidetracks Band revved up the crowd by taking well known tunes and replacing the lyrics to either glorify the Huskers or denounce the Sooners, including a rather scathing rendition of Boomer Sooner, where the band went ahead and added on a few verses since the song kind of lacks verbosity.  The other highlight from Sidetracks was that the little old lady leading the band would read anything the crowd would write on cocktail napkins and handed to her.  Let’s just say I heard anatomical references and various descriptions of “coupling” that would have made a sailor blush.  And it was most incongruous to hear it coming out of someone who could be my grandma. 

 Since the big game wasn’t until 7 PM we had plenty of time to get up, watch the Iowa game, and tailgate with the Local Lincolnites.  As everyone knows by now, the day started shitty with Iowa losing their starting quarterback and then their first game.  I had to absorb some good natured ribbing from the locals.  Many Nebraskan fans seemed overjoyed that Iowa had lost.  I took most of it with stoic grace, but one annoying fan that just couldn’t let it go and kept yelling at me that Iowa lost (as if someone walking through Lincoln with a Hawkeye shirt and hat on would not know what had occurred), so I kindly reminded him that Nebraska lost to the J.V. team from the state of Iowa.  They didn’t like this.

 We also got to tailgate with the CEO of our company.  He was really down to earth, and eats Fritos right out of the bag like the rest of us.  No bean dip though.  And he kind of thought I was just a friend of Turner’s rather than realizing that I work for him as well, and in fact spend most of my time making Turner look good…which is a tough job…I probably need a raise.  By the time we got into the luxury suite, and looked out upon the fabled “Sea of Red” it was a pretty amazing site.  I had never been to any big time college games, and it was truly an experience.  Turner’s Holieway jersey ensured we would be showered with wisecracks all game, especially with the game itself a true snoozer.  I am pretty sure both offensive coordinators should have been fired on the spot.

 So we ended the day with a loss for each of our team’s, including SuperDave’s Seminoles, and still had to face the 7 hour drive back to Denver.  If anyone asks me if I would ever do this again, I can answer quite honestly…….Damn Right I would!  Even with the losses, it was a hell of a lot of fun, and a perfect warm-up for the debauchery that will occur this weekend in Las Vegas.

College:

Northwestern @ Illinois

SD: Our theme this week is intrastate rivals – because nothing is harder than picking between two teams in the same state you couldn’t care less about. Our first match-up is the old classic state school v. uppity, smart kid private school (see also: UNC/Duke, Cal/Stanford). Well I am state schooler through and through – from my parents to my collegiate experience to my outlook on life (fun before social standing). So in honor of all those kids out there that weren’t born with a trust fund and didn’t spend their entire high school career only doing what looked best on their college application, I’m cheering for the Illini. Take that silver spoon and shove it Wildcats.

Turner: 1 giant bag of poop to SD for this one.  This is just rubbing it in the Shadow’s wounds.   Under normal circumstances, I’d always go with NW because of their academics and purple but because of the heartbreak they caused my friend (or should I say “my employee” because the Shadow always introduces me as “his boss” versus “his friend” which completely pisses me off every time), I have to go with the Illini.  They ruined last Saturday, likely ruined the Rose Bowl dreams, and even potentially ruined the big game on Saturday versus OSU by breaking Stanzi’s leg.  You might be smart but you weren’t considerate NW.

Shadow: F*cking Northwestern.

Idaho @ Boise State

SD: One of these is the most overrated team in college football since the 2007 Hawaii Rainbow Warriors and set the tone for my college fantasy season by taunting and (most likely) racially slurring my first round draft pick to that point that he sucker-punched a dude, tried to pull a Ron Artest on the crowd and got dismissed for the season (only to be re-instated this week, the first week of my fantasy league playoffs – for which I didn’t qualify thanks to the aforementioned losing of my first round pick in the first game of the entire year. Awesome). The other team is based in Moscow and is nicknamed the Vandals. There isn’t much to like about a state best known for its militias and Senators that like anonymous gay sex in airport bathrooms but aren’t gay, but a city named Moscow and a team named Vandals is one of them. Please Vandals, save the college football world from suffering through this BSU team getting shellacked in an undeserved BCS bowl.  

Turner: Great match up here and having been in Idaho twice in the last month, the entire state is gearing up for this game.  Mark Schlereth of Bronco fame is an Idaho alum and has been talking the Vandals up for the past three weeks on ESPN.  I’m going to have jump on the Vandal bandwagon on this one only due to the fact that BSU has been whining about how great they are when they really aren’t.  They need to go down now so we can stop listening to them think they deserve to be on the big stage.  I don’t mind a TCU or even a Cincy but Boise has done absolutely nothing to impress me over the last month (ok – since Oregon) so I just want the smurfs to be quiet for a while so we can focus on the future of Idaho football.

Shadow: Congrats Idaho!  You get my vote.  Boise State- if you are wondering why I hate you, you can thank Eric Weaver who works for 5280 Solutions right down the road from your Smurf Turfed stadium.  His obnoxiousness about why if Boise State runs the table next year they will definitely be in the national title game made me start to feel intense hatred for all things Boise State. 

NFL:

Tampa Bay @ Miami

SD: The battle of the sunshine state.  I have never cheered much for the Dolphins, mostly because I had a long-running Marino vs. Elway debate with my huge Dolphin friend Doug. Actually I should say ‘have’ not ‘had’ because the debate still rages to this day – a full decade after Elway proved without a doubt that he was the better quarterback. Doug is just a little slow. Anyway, with that I would lean toward the Bucs – but don’t think I haven’t forgotten what they did to the incomparable Derrick Brooks this offseason and don’t think I haven’t immensely enjoyed every single point scored on this inept team. If Jay Cutler weren’t in the league, Raheen Morris might be the most hated NFL individual around PFB HQ these days. But, even my cheering for the Dolphins doesn’t change how much better Elway was than Marino.

Turner: Tampa Bay is on my sh**-list right now.   Why?  Because I was there a few weeks ago and wanted a tag-along (you know those peanut butter girl scout cookies) blizzard from Dairy Queen.  First off there is only 1 DQ in the entire city which blows my mind since you can find a wings place and a Waffle House on every corner.  And that 1 DQ didn’t carry the Tag-along brand of blizzard because “they aren’t very popular”.  I’m sorry, who just said that to me?  It was ridiculous that the Thin Mint or Samoa would be better in a blizzard than a tag-along…… I get back to Denver and within 24 hours, the Shadow has one on my desk.  That is service and quality that I expect from a city.  One that obviously that is something I can’t expect from Tampa Bay.  While I don’t know if Miami offers the tag-along, they can offer me a Cuban (sandwich or Cigar) and South Beach.

Shadow: Flowers……..Plumber……….Candygram.  How can you root against a team that plays in Landshark Stadium?  Go Dolphins.

[Editor Note: While that is a fantastic reference by the Shadow, no reader under the age of 30 is going to understand it – so let me just add  this]

Atlanta @ Carolina

SD: So, they aren’t in the same state – sue me. I can only work with what the NFL schedule makers gave me. But they are pretty close, especially when you factor in the Panther intentionally going with ‘Carolina’ rather than ‘North Carolina’ where they are actually located in the hopes of confusing South Carlinians into cheering for them as well. Which, given these are the people who believed that McCain had an illegitimate bi-racial daughter in 2000 and therefore inflicted 8 years of Dubya on us, is a reasonable assumption. Contrast this with the Falcons, who joined the league back in the days when the only reasonable name being the city where you are located (other than the greedy Patriots who preemptively claimed an entire region for themselves). It is almost a giant ‘F-you’ to the rest of Georgia. Basically saying, we don’t want your kind cheering for us. Judging by the number of empty seats at a typical Falcon game, this plan was a great success. But I like the elitism of going with the city name, so for that I am cheering on the Falcons in this one.

Turner: It annoys me that cities that generally have good weather have stadiums that are solely indoors.   For that reason, Atlanta needs to go down this week.  I use to hate them because of Vick but now I’ve moved on and can find other reasons and this week it is this one.  I like Jake Dehlomme (as my 5^th string starter in fantasy) so I hope they prevail.

Shadow: Seeing as it is Veteran’s Day, I will be rooting for the Air Force Fighting Falcons!  What?  Huh?  It’s the Atlanta Falcons?  Oh well, whatever.  Close enough.

Australian cop: We’ll get him when he comes back in!

Johnny Utah: He’s not coming back.

 The only way I could start this post is with a tribute to Patrick Swayze. The man who brought to life two of my favorite movie characters of all time – Dalton from Roadhouse and The Bodhizafa from Point Break (by the way – these are also 2 of the 3 greatest dog names as well – just behind Indy) lost his long battle with cancer Monday, so before diving into the weekend of football, it is only fair to pause for a moment and remember greatness.

Turner is singing ‘I’ve had the Time of my Life’, right now.

While I wasn’t the target audience for every one of Swayze’s movies (though, yes I admit I have sat through Dirty Dancing and Ghost), no one can argue with the number of retrospectively great movies he was in from 1984 to 1992. Not to mention possibly the greatest SNL skit of all time.    

So, rest in peace Dalton, I truly hope that “pain didn’t hurt”

Anyway, I had intended to post earlier this week with my comments from the weekend, but didn’t get to it due to some unreasonable expectation that I actually do a little work before I head on vacation. Ridiculous. Unfortunately, by not posting I missed an opportunity to make comments such as:

-  I think we can all agree Ohio State blew its final opportunity at respectability. They had a home game against a team with a true freshman and several new members of its defense. Instead OSU lost in a painful and humiliating way. I am done with them. Seriously, if they ever actually do beat a top tier team from another conference, my first thought won’t be ‘wow, OSU has finally put it together’. Instead my first thought would be ‘wow, that team OSU just beat is overrated’. Sorry, OSU, thanks for playing.

- Speaking of OSU – yeah that other one in Stillwater. I hope you enjoyed your brief time in the sun, ask Texas Tech what is like, they had one week last year.

- On Sunday, my biggest conflict was trying to determine what I enjoyed more – the Broncos stunning win or Jay Cutler’s utter humiliation on national television. Congrats, Bears fans you have years of whining and interceptions at inopportune times coming your way.

- I guess on the eve of heading to Germany, schadenfreude is an acceptable emotion.

- Also, if there was any confusion, it is official that LT is done. LT, don’t worry Shawn Alexander has a room he can rent you.

- Unfortunately LT took my fantasy team with him.

Ok, on to this week’s hierarchy of Hate.

Turner is busy spending many of your hard-earned Stimulus plan dollars in Washington, D.C. this week and is unable to join us. Thankfully, we are joined by the Shadow.

Shadow: Back for Week 3 and feeling fine as my Hawkeyes are 2-0 and the Broncos actually managed to get by the mighty Bengals.  This week will feature a battle of mascots.  Many of you are probably thinking of cheerful and goofy guys and gals dressed in costumes and doing stupid things to rile up the crowd.  That is not what I mean (although I crack up every time they show Blaze the Dragon, who is the current mascot for UAB.  How many schools would have the balls to pull off a marijuana reference in their mascot’s name?)  I am talking about the various team “names” or mascots a school has had.  Whichever school has had the dumbest prior mascot will be the object of my hate this week.

College:

UAB @ Troy

SD: The battle of Triple-A Alabama football! Not to be confused with Colorado versus Virginia, which is Little League football. I will go with Troy here because they don’t go by UAT, which would be lame and remind of me of my day job (ooh – techie geek humor!)

Shadow: UAB have always been the Blazers.  Points for drug reference, and it really isn’t too dumb of a name.  The Troy Trojans, on the other hand, at one time were the “Teachers”.  I am sorry, but no visiting team is going to be intimidated to be going up against the….wait for it…..mighty “Teachers”.  Toke up and cheer for the Blazers of UAB!

Central Arkansas @ Western Kentucky

SD: I like to call this ‘Battle of future UF non-conference opponents’. I will go with Western Kentucky, only because I prefer the specificity of ‘Western’ more than the vagueness of ‘Central’.  Couldn’t any place not right on a border be ‘central? How do you even find CAU? Drive away from the border, if you reach the other you have gone too far? Precision is a virtue CAU.

Shadow: Wow.  Before Central Arkansas became the Bears, they were also known as the Pedagogues, the Normalites, and the Pea-Pickers.  So much to choose from.  Western Kentucky has always been the “Hilltoppers”.  They get bonus points for their school being on a hill, thus making the mascot relevant.  Easy pickings here, no pun intended.  Cheer on for Big Red and his Hilltoppers of Western Kentucky.

NFL

Shadow: For the pro games I switch gears a little.  Whichever team dealt the most painful Bronco lost is to be hated.

Arizona @ Jacksonville

SD: Both Jacksonville and Arizona are hot…but in Arizona it is a dry heat. Even though I don’t really know what that means, the creative marketing behind making 115 degrees seem appealing is to be applauded. Go Cardinals.

Shadow: I don’t even have to think of any Bronco-Cardinal game, because none of them can compare to the feelings of hate that were born for Jacksonville on January 4, 1997 and the worst too many men on the field call in the history of the world.  I am still convinced that without that call being made (and the Jags eventually getting a field goal to stretch their lead to 11), the Broncos would have gone on to win and who knows what would have happened from there.  I am happy we got revenge the very next year, but still, this game engendered in me a lifelong hatred for the Jaguars.

Tampa Bay @ Buffalo

SD: In Tampa both the temperature and the women are hot. Sadly the only thing hot in Buffalo is the wings sauce. I love wings and all but…Go Bucs.

Shadow: In 1993 the Broncos lost to Tampa Bay 17-10 in the second to last week of the season, then lost to the Raiders, then lost to the Raiders again in the playoffs.  Only year I can remember where we lost 3 times to the Raiders and it hurt.  I blame TB for the start of our late season slide.  Buffalo, on the other hand, beat us in the 1992 AFC Championship Game due to lead footed kicker named Treadwell and an uncharacteristic case of fumbleitis for Steve Sewell.  Man I wanted to go to the Super Bowl that year to try and wash out the taste of the 49ers loss.  It wasn’t to be.  That one still hurts more, so I hate the Bills and will pull for the Bucs.

And with that, I am off to Oktoberfest. In between watching FSU shock the world by beating BYU and the Broncos getting off to an improbable 2-0 start, try and rent Strange Brew and Beerfest and have a cold one.

Auf Wiedersehen!

With training camps open across the NFL and Hall of Fame Weekend upon us, I should be reveling in the imminent return of the fall – cooler air, falling leaves and most importantly, two solid days of football each weekend. Yet, there is a small hole in my glee at the return of football. Something is missing.

For the first time since I was still an undergrad, one of the great players in NFL history is not in training camp. Sure, he is getting up there in age (aren’t we all?) but as one of the greats to ever play his position, not to mention one of the great class acts in the NFL, it is still a shock to the system to imagine an NFL season without him.

Ok, if you think I am talking about Brett Favre. Just stop reading right now. Seriously. Leave the room or something. You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here. We will wait until you leave.

…

…

Sorry about that. No I am talking about Derrick Brooks.

As hard as it is to imagine, after being inexplicably released by the Tampa Bay Bucs this spring (presumably because head coach Raheem Morris was intimidated by sharing the locker room with someone older, more respected and more intelligent than himself), no other team has signed Brooks.

That is the part that baffles me. The Morris part, not so much. A young coach and GM out to prove themselves by eliminating all evidence of the previous regime, so that any victory can only be due to their genius? That is the exact formula Mike Tomlin used in Pittsburgh, only the exact opposite in every way.

If you ask 100 NFL fans who has been the best linebacker in the league for the last 10 years, I am guessing Brooks wouldn’t be in your top five responses. You would get lots of (deserved) votes for that (alleged) murderer up in Baltimore, Brian Urlacher and Zach Thomas (call it the Tyler Hansbrough effect, if you know what I mean) and a smattering of Steelers, Cowboys, Giants, and Patriots thanks in large part to the uniforms they wear.

For some reason Brooks has flown under the radar with the public. Now I am not going to call Mr. Brooks ‘underrated’. It is hard to argue an 11-time Pro Bowler, 5-time first team All Pro and 2002 NFL Defensive Player of the Year was not given his due but it could be argued that Brooks had more impact on the games he played than any linebacker since he joined the league. While Ray Lewis was busy celebrating with a ridiculous dance every time he was the 3^rd man to pile on a tackled runner, Brooks was busy changing games. How many linebackers can you think of that returned 6 interceptions for touchdowns? Hell, how many defensive backs have returned 6 interceptions for touchdowns? Champ Bailey only has 4 career pick-sixes.

I recently ran across the America’s Game episode detailing the 2002 Bucs drive to the Super Bowl win. Even Warren Sapp (not the most humble of players) acknowledges that Brooks was the leader of that defense. Maybe not in verbosity or personality but certainly in play. The culmination being (yet another) interception for a touchdown in the Super Bowl that sealed the win over the Raiders and Brooks breaking down in Sapp’s arms afterward while tears start down his cheeks. If that doesn’t choke you up a little, you are dead inside.

I recognize that Brooks is now 36 years old and may not be the every-down, all-everything linebacker he once was. But it is hard to imagine that no team in the NFL could benefit from having Brooks’ leadership and intelligence in the locker room and freakish athleticism on the field. Am I the only that notices Brooks was just in the Pro Bowl last year and still registered 58 tackles and his 25^th career interception? That is a guy that can’t find a place in the league? Really?

When Junior Seau was picked up by the New England Patriots in 2006 he hadn’t registered more than 31 tackles in 3 years and was already older than Brooks is today.

It is not a coincidence that profootballreference.com lists the following players as having equivalent careers as Brooks: Bill George, Mike Singletary, Lawrence Taylor, Jack Ham, Joe Schmidt, Ray Lewis, Junior Seau, Ted Hendricks, Zach Thomas, Isiah Robertson.

Over and above his play on the field, Brooks’ work off the field can’t be ignored. He is a member of the Florida State University Board of Trustees and during his time has seen FSU build a medical school, produce 3 Rhodes Scholars and be named one of the top value schools in the country. He also founded a high school in Tampa and has taken kids on trips around the world.

Incidentally, he has also never been indicted in the killing of anyone outside of a night club.

Am I biased toward Brooks? Of course. He was the best player on a National Championship defense my freshman year at FSU and I spent the aforementioned Super Bowl win cheering and chanting his name at a bar in Washington, D.C.. But I don’t think anyone with even a sliver of football knowledge would disagree with anything I have said here.

Anyone except every NFL GM that is, apparently. Which helps explain why most of them will be out of a job and sitting next to Matt Millen in a TV studio in a couple years.

So, if this really is the end of the game for Brooks, how does he go out? Does he whine and complain about the un-gratefulness of an organization that he literally helped build from the joke of the league to respectability? Does he hold self-aggrandizing press conferences every week to draw inordinate attention to him?

No, he issues a simple statement on his web site.

All of which, explains why whether he ever plays again, there is a simple answer when someone asks me: Who’s your favorite player?

Mr. Derrick Brooks.