This is the end. My only friend, the end

-The Doors

And so another season of football comes to an end. And with it another season of The Hierarchy of Hate.

At least until Euro 2012 when we get a chance to spend two weeks mocking Poland (FINALLY).

It has truly been an uninspiring season for THH. Missing weeks. Missing participants (I’m pretty sure Turner spent the NFL season on the island from Lost as he just showed up at my door with a straggly beard muttering ‘we have to go back’ over and over). I blame myself as much as anyone as I have slacked and been distracted and struggled to muster the energy to focus on THH at times

 But today that all ends. Today, we redeem. Not for just ourselves. But for our children; and our children’s children; and for America itself.

 America is the greatest country on Earth because we are free to declare who we hate and who we hate just slightly less at the top of our lungs anywhere at any time. Because we come together to celebrate a 4-hour game whose most inspired moments will be bought and paid for by the world’s largest corporations, willing to waste $3million to tell us what we should waste our money on, so that we can fall further in debt and China can claim a larger portion of our souls.

But today we tell the Chinese that we are still here. They don’t own us yet.

 Today we fight! Today we band together, smear paint on our faces, let out a primal scream and go running down that hill with make-shift swords and trash-can shields waving above our heads into the teeth of the invading Chinese army!

WHO IS WITH ME!!!!

On to an annual rite of passage more meaningful and entertaining than either the Pro Bowl or National Signing Day – the THH Super Bowl Extravaganza.

For anyone living south of the New Jersey state line, you most likely cheer for neither of these teams. So, who to sort-of, kind-of cheer in between bites of dip and sips of beer? That is why we are here.

Just take our simple quiz, tally the points and you will know which side you are on.

Shadow: I turned 40 last month.  I will completely blame my lack of THH performance on a mid-life crisis.  While I appreciate Dave’s “homemade” Braveheart charge against the Chinese, I will choose to characterize my stand as a rag-tag band of teenagers launching sneak attacks against the Chinese from the mountain passes of Colorado, all the while yelling (and/or spray painting) “Wolverines!”….which might appear to seem like I will be on the side of ex-Wolverine Tommy Brady….but let’s just wait and see what the Hierarchy of Hate says….after all, that is what it was invented for.  And dammit….now that I read farther into the categories, I see my homage to Red Dawn has already been nicked by SuperDave right down to the use of the adjective ‘rag-tag’.  Screw it…I am too lazy to re-write this.

Turner: I just can’t wait for Sunday, everything other than the football game will make for a fantastic afternoon.  Queso, hotdogs, beer, gambling and a bottle of gas-x and all will be right before I settle in at 4:30 MT to take a nap.  That is what I’m looking forward to on Sunday as my worst THH nightmare arose.  Two Northeast teams, both very hated, obnoxious fan bases, all this hype of the rematch, Brady getting to as many Superbowl as John “Tebow” Elway.  It is going to be a very long pre-game, the only hope is that the smells coming from various partners of mine will be there will be enough to knock me out before the 45^th replay of David Tyree’s catch.  The only other good thing is SuperDave gave us categories by which to judge this game, without those, I’d just be putting two chopstix in my eyes to avoid the pain of subjecting myself to the “G-Men” and watching the Brady hair flow….

Super Bowl: Patriots vs. Giants 

(All picks are Patriots first, Giants second – point for whichever answer you choose)

#1 – Better original location to steal name from: England vs York

SD: It is so typical of New England fans. A single state or city isn’t enough to claim, rather they need an entire region named after an entire nation. So desperate are they to represent a large chunk of land you can’t help but wonder if they are compensating for something else that is particularly small. New Yorkers, never known to be shy and humble, took the name of a village of 202,400. I can appreciate that much more than a bunch of micro-phallused Bostonians any day.

Patriots 0, Giants 1

Shadow: They say that imitation is the highest form of flattery, or flatulence, I forget.  But slapping a ‘New’ in front of the name of the country we bailed from over 200 years ago is just plain lazy and unoriginal.  On the other hand, I love me some peppermint patties. 

Pats 0, Giants 1

Turner: I’m going to have to go with England. If you are going to steal, steal a countries name, not a city or whatever York is.  As a proud American, I’m proud we not only stole our freedom from England but we put “new” in front of it and claimed it as ours. USA! USA! USA!

Patriots 1, Giants 0

#2 – Coach you would rather have leading a rag-tag bunch of civilians against an invading Chinese army (Red Dawn style): Belichick vs Coughlin

SD:  Because, make no mistake, if the Mayan apocalypse doesn’t occur, the Chinese will be parachuting into small Colorado towns before the next Super Bowl. Now is the time to prepare, man. While Coughlin’s penchant for military precision – 5 minutes early is late in his world – would be a benefit to maintain discipline among the survivors, it pales in comparison to Belichick’s willingness to move players into positions they aren’t accustomed to. Adapt or die Tom. You were impressed when Bill convinced Troy Brown and Julian Edelman to play defense; just wait until he trains my cat to use a flamethrower.

Patriots 1, Giants 1

Shadow: This is a little like choosing whether I would like to be led by an overbearing father, or a ‘stuck in the past’ psycho grandpa.  I am pretty sure that Belichick would successfully video tape the Chinese practicing their battle plan, and thus lead us to victory.  Coughlin would walk out on us since we all showed up to the rendezvous on time, instead of 10 minutes early. 

Pats 1, Giants 1

Turner: Not even close: Belichick.  Why – because he would be wearing a cut-off hoodie to blend in.  The key word here is “rag-tag civilians” as that is what he looks like and could blend into his people.

Patriots 2, Giants 0

#3 – Former NFL head coach now in Assistant coach role that is more likely to strangle his head coach late one night with the cord from a headset in an attempt to steal head coaching job: Josh McDaniels vs Kevin Gilbride

SD: I harbor a significant level of distrust for anyone that is willingly photographed wearing a moustache if they aren’t at the same time doing unspeakable things to Barely Legal Asian twins , so Gilbride warrants close surveillance but there isn’t a doubt in my mind that McDaniels would garrote Bill Belichick, Robert Kraft, Tom Brady and Denis Leary and then piss on Paul Revere’s grave before sitting back down and calmly finishing his clam chowder if it meant another chance at being a head coach.

Patriots 2, Giants 1

Shadow: Gilbride.  McDaniels ‘choking’ days are over after his unsuccessful flops in Denver and St Louis. 

Pats 1, Giants 2

Turner: Has to be Kevin Gilbride… the reason for this is Josh McDaniels is too much of a pansy to actually even attempt this because he know his puny little butt would get annihilated by the “chick”.  He isn’t man enough to even try.

Patriots 2, Giants 1

#4 – Back-up Quarterback secretly thinking that the team would be better with him playing: Ryan Mallett vs David Carr

SD: David Carr was the savior of Houston after being drafted #1 overall by the new Texans. That went about as well as Sam Houston’s attempt to save the Alamo. If there is anyone more than content to stand on the sideline and collect paychecks, it is the guy that owns the NFL record for being sacked the most in a single season. Ryan Mallett has heard how great he is since before he left high school. He doesn’t think he is better than Tom Brady. He KNOWS it. And, to answer the unspoken question in your mind: yes, he probably is on drugs.

Patriots 3, Giants 1

Shadow: Write-in Vote:  Tim Tebow.  We couldn’t have a season ending THH without mentioning Timmy.  WTF?  He is in a question farther down?  Curse you SuperDave! 

Pats 1, Giants 2

Turner: By default, it has to be Ryan Mallett.  Again, he is young and from Arkansas, so he might just be stupid enough to think he is better than Brady. It is not good when your IQ is less than Brady’s jersey number.  David Carr has learned his lesson, he just wants to collect the paycheck and wear the baseball hat to collect the ring, he knows that is the path to glory.

Patriots 3, Giants 1

#5 – Player more likely to spend his off-season writing dense mid-century French Philosophy: Zoltan Mesko vs Jason Pierre Paul

SD: If Zoltan Mesko doesn’t spend his off-season sipping café crème in a tiny café just off the Boulevard St. Germain wearing a black turtleneck and discussing the bourgeois undertones of Jean Paul Sartre’s late career work I will be devastated.

Patriots 4, Giants 1

Shadow: Zoltan will be a little too busy stuck inside that glass box and giving out prophecies/granting wishes to do any philosophizing.  Quick tangent:  since they are remaking the entire 1980’s, who would be the top contender to play Tom Hank’s role in a re-imagination of the classic comedy, Big!?  My money is on Jason Segel.  And before we get any angry writers commenting on the blog or Twitter about it…yes, I realize it is Zoltar…a little poetic license please.   Anyhoo…..if you need some French philosophy, you will need to turn to Jason Pierre Paul. 

Pats 1, Giants 3

Turner: Zoltan the Great.  To be a French writer you have to have the full name, not just a random French name in between two true American names.  If he had gone with Jaque’ Pierre La’Paul, then I’ll have gone the other way.  Additing apostrophes always gets you the French nod.

Patriots 4, Giants 1

#6 – If the best friend/sidekick of the leading man were named one of these, which movie would you rather see: Julian Edelman vs Chase Blackburn

SD: I love a good Judd Apatow comedy as much as the next guy and I am sure Julian Edelman (played by Jay Baruchel) would be great using an elaborate analogy involving masturbation and the barely legal Asian twin porno he watched last night to convince Seth Rogen that he is good enough to get the girl. But it is nothing compared to when Chase Blackburn and Jason Statham blow up that shipment of stolen Chinese arms at the port of Los Angeles that thwarts the planned invasion.

Patriots 4, Giants 2

Shadow: It is obvious that the leading man in movie number 1 is Jude Law and am pretty sure Merchant Ivory is the studio doing it, whereas the Chase Blackburn character is alongside Stone Cold Steve Austin in some straight to video dreck, probably entitled, ‘Hunt to Kill IV:  The Killing Hunters’.  Shadow 3:16 says Stone Cold just kicked Jude’s ass. 

Pats 1, Giants 4

Turner: You can’t have a wingman with a name of Julian, people would automatically accuse him of having a sex change and forgetting to change his name.  Chase Blackburn is a solid wingman name, something I would equate to John Turner.

Patriots 4, Giants 2

#7 – Name more aligned with your general attitude toward life: Kyle Love vs Bear Pasco

SD: Speaking of elaborate analogies, there is probably something here to be equate this question to the coming Presidential election (with the double meaning of ‘Bear’ adding delicious irony for the Republicans), but I won’t go there. I am a peacenik, tree-hugging liberal at heart, so give me Love all day. Particularly if barely legal Asian twins are involved.

Patriots 5, Giants 2

Shadow: Interesting that in an article about Hate, on a blog built on healthy doses of hate, that ‘Love’ is one of the choices here.  Do we really expect that any of the three of us align with ‘love’ as our general attitude towards life?  Well, that big softie Turner might.  Okay, fine.  Me too.  All you need is love.  Peace. 

Pats 2, Giants 4

Turner: If the Shadow answers anything other than the “Bear”, then he is fibbing.  I’ve seen how hairy he is.  I too will have to go with Bear Pasco. Primarily because I love to sleep and hibernating for 7 months and then gorging myself for the remaining months just seems so appealing.

Patriots 4, Giants 3

#8 – Super Bowl week storyline you most want to see: Rob Gronkowski declared out from game with multiple venereal diseases caught at Indy-area strip club vs Prince Amukamara declared out from game after being granted the monarchy of a small African country

SD: Gronk’s mid-season revelation that he spends his free time with porn stars (though NOT barely legal Asian twins, sadly), just reinforces every indication that he is just a meat head (as if the goofy face, crewcut and hard-nosed playing style weren’t enough of a hint). If I were selling the Amukamara scenario in Hollywood I would use the phrase: “It’s Coming To America meets The Princess Diaries” and spend the rest of the day rolling in my piles of cash like Scrooge McDuck. I don’t just want this to happen, I need this to happen.

Patriots 5, Giants 3

Shadow: Such great choices…..but just so I could see the back cover of the New York Post declare, “GROIN-K-OWWWWWW-SKI”, I am going to have to go with Rob here. 

Pats 3, Giants 4

Turner: Would love to see the Gronk get diagnosed with St. Elmo’s Fire.  He would combine so many diseases to actually genetically create a new one.  Prince wouldn’t really be a story because he opened a bad email and sent $1,000,000 for the monarchy only to learn it was a scam.  He is from Nebraska, he is a bit naive. 

Patriots 5, Giants 3

#9 – Last name that sounds more like a planet from the Star Wars series: Ihedigbo vs Trattou

SD: I am actually 93% sure Trattou was a planet in the Star Wars series. Probably in Episode 2, which is why none of us remember it.

Patriots 5, Giants 4

Shadow: I will admit to watching part of the Oprah interview with George Lucas the other week….what can I say, I’m a big Star Wars fan….and he said he literally has multiple notebooks filled with nothing other than made up names that he may need to use some time.  I respect that.  It is hard to make up a name that sounds both good and plausible.  I think Ihedigbo just doesn’t roll off the tongue nicely enough to be a planet in the Star Wars Universe, so Trattou will take its place alongside Hoth, Alderran, Dagobah, Tatooine, Naboo, Krysshk, Geonosis, etc, etc. 

Pats 3, Giants 5

Turner: Trattou – why?  I have no idea other than I feel bad the Giants are getting their asses kicked in this THH so I give them a sympathy vote.

Patriots 5, Giants 4

#10 – Who does Tim Tebow want to win: Patriots vs Giants

SD: This question was added as I am obligated to mention Tebow as part of my 2012 Denver city taxes. Anyone that has ever read the Old Testament (or, at least, read a blog summarizing the Old Testament), recognizes the phrase ‘vengeful God’. Would God cheer for someone that is everything he isn’t (accurate passer, successful in pro-style offenses, swimming in a never ending Chocolate fountain of gorgeous women)? No, of course not.

Patriots 5, Giants 5

Shadow: Several teams made Tim Tebow look Super Human this year.  And then there was one team that made him look like Clark Kent in an Alaskan diner after giving up his ‘powers’ so he could be with Lois Lane in Superman II.  Not only once……but twice.  I just can’t see Timmy rooting for the Patriots. 

Pats 3, Giants 6

Turner:  Patriots…. Tom Brady looks a lot more like Riley Cooper than Eli Manning does.

Patriots 6, Giants 4

TIEBREAKER: Quarterback that Peyton Manning is actually hoping wins another Super Bowl: Brady vs Manning

SD: The Brady & Peyton comparison as this generation’s Montana & Marino is so trite and cliché the only people still writing it probably work for Bleacher Report. Or are named Woody Paige. That was locked in conventional wisdom hell 5 years ago. Much like his freaky long neck, Peyton has grown to learn to live and be comfortable with it. However no one ever said, “You know, Marino’s younger brother might be better than him.” Someone once did say that about Michael Vick and he was so insulted he had his brother raped and killed by a Pit Bull. Peyton has no desire to become the Marcus Vick of the Manning family.

Peyton may be outwardly cheering for Eli but deep in places he pretends doesn’t exist, he will be desperately hoping Brady puts the smack down.

And, apparently, so will I.

Patriots 6, Giants 5

Shadow: It’s not needed, but I will answer anyway.  I honestly believe that at the end of the day, all sibling rivalry is set aside anytime a Manning is in a big game, and that whole family pulls whole-heartedly for each other. 

Pats 3, Giants 7

So, it’s basically a blow out for the Giants…and honestly, I would love to see the same thing Sunday, after I have relieved the wallets of Turner and SuperDave of some of their hard earned cash at various games of chance and skill.

Turner: Everyone who says Manning is flat out an idiot.  You never want your younger brother to win more than  you do.  People who say he roots for “blood” is taking it all wrong, he wants to see blood come out of Eli’s mouth as Vince Wolfolk sits on him. 

 That is it folks, the Patriots are going to dominate!!  7-4 with the tiebreak!  Long Live the Queen Brady!

After weeks of living with a Goldilocks Principle offense (just enough running, just enough passing), the Broncos ended up with a cold bowl of porridge at Baltimore this weekend.

The Ravens – a talented team coming in with 3 straight losses  – simply played harder and hungrier than the Broncos. The defense for at least one week, again looked like the defense that announcers expect every time the Ravens take the field. They were fast and aggressive. The Broncos were neither. Ray Lewis and his compatriots played like they were outside a night club at the Super Bowl in Atlanta. And this time, the Broncos were the ones that ended the night with a knife in their stomach.  

While the final score is a little deceiving, it isn’t the Broncos defense that is the big concern to me. One TD came on a kick return (the Broncos special teams has been about as special as Johnny Knoxville in the Ringer this year) and the defense was able to keep in check Joe Flacco, whose game has grown more in the last year than his eyebrows,  who came into the game with three 300-yard games already this season.  If the Broncos had been able to get Ray Rice down on first contact, this game would have as high scoring as that 6-3 Browns Bills crapfest of a couple weeks ago. 

The real difference in this game was the disappearance of the Broncos offense.

Beyond the simple fact that the Ravens played harder than the Broncos, the Ravens defense were also better prepared and came in with a gameplan for the evolving ‘velociraptor’ offense of the Broncos. It was almost like they knew exactly what to do to beat this offense.

When I was thinking back about this game a few hours later, trying to come up with something to say that was interesting and witty and not involving Brett Favre I made a realization. The Ravens didn’t invent a new way to beat the Broncos offense. They just used a blueprint that has been there for nearly two years.

Quite simply, they used the Giants blueprint for beating the Patriots in Super Bowl XLII.

Remember back to that game when the Patriots were looking at going 19-0 and cementing their status as the greatest team – and greatest offense – of all time. The Giants, with a strong defensive line of Michael Strahan, Osi Umenyiora and Justin Tuck swarmed, pressured and dismantled the prolific Patriots attack.

The weak link all season for that Patriots had been a less than stellar running game. By bringing a full 8 players in the box, the Giants stifled any running game and then pinned their ears back and put the all-out rush on Brady.

NOTE: Is it just me or is ‘pin their ears back’ the lamest cliché in all of sport? What does it even mean? Where did it come from? What or who once actually pinned their ears back? And yet, I still used it and your read it and understood it. We are just victims of the machine my friends.

With the hard rush on, Brady didn’t have adequate time to wait for receivers to get open downfield, so he was forced to throw underneath.

Is this starting to sound familiar? Isn’t it sounding a little like yesterday?

So, what do the Broncos do now? While the blueprint is now known on how to beat them, the next question is how many teams have the personnel to do it? Frighteningly one answer to that question is: their next opponent – the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Can the Broncos offensive line do enough against the Steelers to get a running game going and slow the pass rush a little? Can McDaniels come up with a scheme to exploit a too-aggressive pass rush?

Let’s hope josh finds a microwave to get that porridge re-heated before next Monday night.