This time of year there are two types of articles being written about the NFL draft. The first are by ‘draftologists’, those life-less souls who spend their lives in preparation for those few hours each year where young men are herded into a building and sold into service to rich masters.

Wow, in print that really doesn’t sound like a good thing.

These guys all analyze the draft that has just taken place and announce which teams had the best drafts and which had the worst. These pronouncements being the definitive word on the draft despite not a single draft pick even completing their first offseason workout yet.

Coincidentally most of these experts rank winners based on how the teams drafted relative to the expert’s own prospect rating system. So, if a team thinks like the expert than they are ‘winners’; those that think differently are ‘losers’. That is convenient.

The other articles are written by ‘smarter than you’ sportswriter types pointing that we in fact have no idea who had the best draft and most likely won’t know for several years. These sportswriters all think that this is an original idea and think you are most likely not smart enough to realize this on your own so they dust off this same article year after year while scrounging up more anecdotes to drive this home. 

While I may have more in common with the second group than the first (since let’s face it, my hair is no way near as awesome as Mel Kiper’s and I do think I am much smarter than you), I am skipping both of these approaches.

Instead, let’s look at something that may actually have some basis in reality today.

Which draft prospects have the most pressure riding on them today?

Draft picks are not all created equal. Even picks near each other are not the same. A quarterback deemed ‘franchise savior’ has more pressure than an interior lineman even if drafted behind him.

So, who from the 2010 NFL draft will be shown in a montage before the first pre-season game while Billy Joel plays over them?

- Sam Bradford (Rams): It goes without saying that a quarterback drafted number one overall draft has tremendous pressure to do well, but that won’t stop me from saying it anyway. All of Rams Nation looks at Bradford as the savior to step in and resurrect their franchise. Adding even more pressure all of Cherokee Nation looks to Sam as role model to aspire to. Frankly, Cherokee nation might apply more pressure. After the last few years of ineptitude has decimated the population of Rams nation worse than the Trail of Tears.

- Trent Williams (Redskins) and Russell Okung (Seahawks): Both top six picks drafted by new head coaches to protect aging quarterbacks. Both of these coaches have made a lot of offseason moves to improve their team and let their fan bases dream of the playoffs but it all hinges on these guys stepping in from day one and keeping their QBs upright. As the opening sequence from The Blind Side proved in gruesome detail, when an aging quarterback can’t get out of the way of a rusher the results can be pretty revolting. And I am not just talking about Sandra Bullock’s fake southern accent.

- Tyson Alualu (Jaguars): Normally a defensive lineman for Jaguars wouldn’t be a high pressure position because a defensive lineman can rarely be successful by himself and…well, he is playing in Jacksonville, so who cares? But the Jags passed over local messiah Tim Tebow and drafted a player all of the experts agreed could be drafted much, much later. Basically, every time David Garrard throws an interception or the other team scores a touchdown there will be at least a portion of the Jags fans that blame Alualu. Out of the 17 Jags fans that exist I would guess at least 11 of them would blame Alualu – that is pressure!

- Maurkice Pouncey (Steelers): The next time quarterback Ben Roethlisberger is found with his hands on someone else’s butt it better be on new center Pouncey’s. That is a lot to ask of a rookie.

- Dez Bryant (Cowboys): After years of lamenting their lack of skill at the wide receiver as being the one thing keeping them from winning the NFC, the Cowboys bring in Bryant who was already under a microscope for being suspended after lying to the NCAA about his relationship with Deion Sanders. So, not only does Bryant need to prove he is mature enough to play in the NFL, he also needs to find a way to keep Tony Romo from going all heimlichy in every important game. He is only human people!

- Tim Tebow (Broncos): Already the fastest selling rookie jersey in history, not only does Tebow carry the burden of proving every draft expert wrong about his pro prospects but he also will decide Josh McDaniels’ fate as Broncos head coach. Tebow fails and McDaniels is gone: it is that simple. Beyond the pressure from the team there is also pressure from the evangelical community to prove that a squeaky clean virgin can be a successful NFL quarterback. Of course many of these people also idolize Sarah Palin and think Obama was born in Kenya, so they shouldn’t be too hard to impress. A shiny ball of foil might do the trick.

- Jimmy Clausen (Panthers): Clausen comes to the Panthers needing to prove that he isn’t the massive d-bag that everyone thinks he is. He also needs to prove that a quarterback from Notre Dame can be successful in the pros without resorting to jumping in the Hot Tub Time Machine and traveling back to 1986. On the bright side, after Panthers fans spent last year watching Jake Delhomme, as long as Clausen isn’t throwing to the other team as much as he does to his own receivers, he will be loved in Carolina. 

- Colt McCoy (Browns): Poor Colt McCoy. Despite several opportunities for both the Forty-Niners and Seahawks (two teams in need of a new quarterback whether they recognize it or not) to draft him, they passed on Colt and he fell to the quarterback cemetery better known as Cleveland. I feel bad for him. No quarterback has been successful in Cleveland since Bernie Kosar. And now Bernie seems like he is drunk all the time. All of the northern Ohio area is going to put pressure on Colt….ahh, who am I kidding. Following in the footsteps of Tim Couch, Brady Quinn and this year’s starter Jake Delhomme, if Colt can even get his pants on the right way, he will be a hero in Cleveland.

Especially once they meet his fiancée.

I am back today with my best suggestions as to who each NFC team should draft – whether they want to or not.

NFC East

Dallas Cowboys – Sitting in his War Room on Thursday, I imagine Jerry Jones will command his team to ‘go draft the best’. Afraid of their owner’s wrath, the Cowboys draft Jahvid Best despite a multitude of running backs on the roster. On the bright side, coming from northern California, Best should be able to help Jones expand his wine appreciation to some less popular labels.

New York Giants – After last season’s epic collapse of the Giants running game, there is a need to find some new blood for the Giants backfield. Dexter McCluster, the hybrid running back/receiver out of Ole Miss would finally give the Giants a playmaking threat. And it gives Eli Manning someone to reminisce with about all those crazy nights at the Ole Miss Alpha Delta Pi house out of earshot from the old ball and chain. Man, those AD Pi’s are WILD.  

Philadelphia Eagles – In the last year, the Eagles have jettisoned long time Safety Brian Dawkins, running back Brian Westbrook and quarterback Donovan McNabb. In steps Kevin Kolb at quarterback and LeSean McCoy at running back. Now, the Eagles can draft Eric Berry at Safety. There is no chance that Eagles fans could come up with bad names to call him with a last name like Berry. On the bright side, if that doesn’t motivate him to play well nothing will.

Washington Redskins – The Redskins just traded for a veteran QB that is occasionally shaky and prone to errors in big spots. If Shanahan’s handling of Jake Plummer in Denver is any indication, expect the Skins to draft a talented and arrogant quarterback with little history of winning in college. Coincidentally, that exact phrase is written on Jimmy Clausen’s business cards.

NFC North

Minnesota Vikings – Of course this time of year, there is one big question in Minnesota. Everyone needs to know when the team’s most important player will return. I for one am not worried about it. Joe Nathan’s replacement has done fine in the closer role for the Twins so far. As for that other guy. I would suggest drafting Jevan Snead out of Ole Miss as a potential ‘back-up plan’ but does any Viking fan really have the appetite for dealing with another quarterback out of Mississippi?

Green Bay Packers – In a year after Aaron Rodgers spent most of the snaps running for his life, the Packers need to get some more help on the offensive line. Mike Iupati, the guard out of Idaho is a perfect fit in more ways than one. He is a Samoan from the northwest rather than a redneck from the south, his name has too many vowels at the beginning of it rather than too many consonants at the end. He is the exact opposite of a certain player none too popular around Lambeau these days.

Detroit Lions – After addressing the offense over the last couple of drafts, the Lions need to start shoring up their defense. Gerald McCoy, the defensive tackle out of Oklahoma is a good fit. With a quarterback that couldn’t beat Florida in college and a wide receiver from a mediocre ACC team, it only makes sense to draft a defensive player that couldn’t beat Texas. Now the Lions may achieve their dream of being as good as a second rate college team. Quite a step up over the last few years for the Lions.

Chicago Bears – The Bears should trade up to draft Ndamukong Suh, to help fortify the defensive line with the release of Alex Brown and the inevitable Tommy Harris injury. Plus then Adewale Ogunleye won’t be the toughest pronunciation on the team. Oh wait, the Bears have no picks to trade up since acquiring Jay Cutler? Wow, that trade keeps paying big dividends, huh Bears fans?

NFC South

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – In his first year as head coach, Raheem Morris cleaned house of the veterans that made up one of the better defenses in the league. Now they are one of the worst. I don’t know who the Bucs could draft to improve them but I know one person they won’t draft: Myron Rolle. If Morris’s massive insecurity kept him from keeping Derrick Brooks on the roster, what are the odds he could handle Rhodes Scholar Rolle on his team?

Carolina Panthers – Taylor Mays, USC’s freaky athlete Safety, would be an immediate improvement for the Panthers secondary. And at 6’3”, 230 pounds, he is more than big enough to fend off any practice time attacks by Steve Smith.

Atlanta Falcons – Last year seemed to demonstrate that Michael Turner may have been a one-year wonder in Atlanta. Maybe it is time the Falcons look for another runner for Turner to split carries with. CJ Spiller is the best running back (and maybe athlete) in the draft. Plus coming from Clemson I am sure he is well acquainted with the Georgia Dome turf, home to the Chick Fil-A Peach Bowl where the 3^rd place ACC team annually plays.

New Orleans Saints – They may not need him, but really is there any other team that Tim Tebow should play for? They are named the Saints! During the next hurricane he can hold up the levies by himself.

NFC West

St. Louis Rams – Seeking to re-ignite the offense formerly known as the The Greatest Show on Turf, the Rams will draft Sam Bradford. Bradford is a natural fit after leading Bob Stoops record breaking offense at Oklahoma. As long as the Rams don’t play in a BCS Bowl, I have complete confidence in Sam being able to bring his collegiate success to the pros.

San Francisco Forty-Niners – Always seeking some talent to make their horrid quarterback situation look somewhat mediocre, the Forty-Niners recently traded for Ted Ginn Jr. The perfect player to complement Ginn would be Arrelious Benn out of Illinois. Like Ginn, Benn is an oft-injured, underperforming but speedy and talented wide receiver out of the Big Ten. See? Like they are twins separated at birth.

Seattle Seahawks – Brian Bulaga is the natural fit for the Seahawks. Not only could he potentially step in and address the massive gap left by Walter Jones’ retirement at left tackle but with a last name that sounds like a fish egg appetizer he would fit right at home in a town known best for throwing fish around.

Arizona Cardinals – the Cardinals are still looking for more help on the defensive side of the ball. This offseason they lost linebacker Carlos Dansby and Safety Antrell Rolle but picked up walking mouth Joey Porter and Rex Ryan regurgitation Kerry Rhodes. If the Cardinals draft USC defensive end Everson Griffen not only could he help fortify their defensive line but will also stand in as a hot tub buddy for Matt Leinart, a huge gap on the team currently. That is unless the Cardinals doubt Leinart’s starting ability and trade for Ben Roethlisberger. Big Ben and Leinart on the same team? The ladies of Arizona won’t know what him them. Literally.

Last night, the focus of NBC’s Olympic coverage was Ice Dancing. I believe this is the first time I have ever suffered through this abomination some would call a sport. Basically, if you are lucky enough to be in the hospital or suffering from blinding cataracts and did not see it, ice dancing is like figure skating with all of the challenging athletic aspects removed. Do they have to complete jumps? Nope. Do they throw their partner? Nuh-uh.

To my untrained eye, the goal of ice-dancing is to pick a culture different from your own, boil it down to its simplest stereotypes and create a dance to some clichéd music from that culture while twirling and dancing around the ice. That is it. This is Dancing with the Stars, add ice, subtract the stars (though it could be argues Dancing with the Stars doesn’t really have stars either). Yet, someone will be an Olympic champion at this.

I know there has been a great controversy over a Russian couple’s use of an aboriginal theme. But how about the insult to all westerners by the French couple dancing to some duet of ‘Thank God I’m a Country Boy’ featuring Dolly Parton? Or the American duo’s Slumdog Dancing Queen number?

I guess, like good comedy, if someone isn’t insulted Ice Dancing wasn’t a success.

Anyway, suffering through this and NBC clubbing us over the head with the feigned suspense of hours old drama predictably featuring US Olympians winning makes we wish for a simpler time. You know, like last football season.

While it would be very easy to predict who will win most NBC primetime events as they have already occurred, it isn’t so easy in football. So, how did I do back in September making predictions on what would occur in the NFC?

NFC East

The popular pick these days is the Eagles. They fortified their offensive line, picked up another fragile skill player in Jeremy Maclin and locked down the support of the pro-Baby Seal Clubbing lobby with the signing of Michael Vick. On the negative side, they lost their defensive guru to cancer, signed yet another fragile skill player and ensured every McNabb interception will elicit “We want Vick” chants from the crowd. I call that a wash. On the other hand, the Giants were the best team in the game for much of last year; only falling apart after Plaxico took an old saying just a little too literally. With an entire offseason to adjust to a Plaxico-less world (including drafting Hakeem Nicks who has Burress’ athletic gifts but not his itchy trigger finger) and the return of Osi Umenyiora to their defense, I say the Giants return to their place atop the division. What about the Cowboys and Redskins, you ask? Well, they are both worth a lot. I guess that counts for something.

Winner: Giants (11-5)

Wild Card: Eagles (10-6)

Actual Winner: Cowboys (11-5)

Actual Wild Card: Eagles (11-5)

SD: Who would have thought this would be the year that the Cowboys learn how to win games in December? Who would have guessed that the emergence of some wide receiver with a name that sounds like a character on Gossip Girl would be the catalyst for the Cowboys? Who could have predicted that the Giants would fold after a fast start thanks to Eli Manning not being very good, no running game and a porous defense? OK, when I see it written down it seems a little more obvious. But at least the Eagles were predictably above-average but not great. In fact, shouldn’t that be McNabb and Reid’s tombstone someday: Here lies Donovan McNabb: Predictably Good but Never Great.

2010 Projection: Do the Cowboys keep it up another year? Does Mike Shanahan coaching the Redskins have an impact on this division? Will the Eagles get over the hump? Will the Giants regain their Super Bowl winning form? Will I stop asking so many rhetorical questions? The answers to all of these is No. But the Cowboys have the highest upside and as proven this year Tony Romo and Wade Phillips are perfectly adequate in non-big games. Let’s assume knocking around 3 mediocre teams all season, won’t require Tony to win a big game until the playoffs.

2010 Winner: Cowboys

NFC North

Probably the most interesting yet simultaneously least likable division in football, the Tom Cruise division if you will. With Old Man Winter unretiring yet again for a 2009 Spite World Tour and coming back to the Vikings and the acquisition of Cry-Baby Jay in Chicago, there are now 3 teams with legitimate plans to win this division (sorry Lions – win one game and then we’ll talk). As I have discussed I just do not believe Favre makes the Vikings better. Combining his appearance changing the Viking’s offensive personality with the probability he will get hurt at some point and I see the Vikings underachieving. As far as Cutler is concerned  – I just don’t get it. It is pretty much universally agreed that no one likes Jay Cutler. Yet, despite never being a winner (I mean never, he last won the same year Matt Cassell last started) and being hated by everyone including his own parents (that’s conjecture on my part), he is going to be the galvanizing force that propels the Bears to the Super Bowl? Really? That’s not the Jay I know. The Jay I know will whine, complain and point fingers the moment something goes wrong. The self-destructions in both Minnesota and Chicago will leave Green Bay as the clear cut champions. With a strong, reliable leader at quarterback, a revamped defense and good receivers all the Packers need to do is re-discover their running game. No pressure Ryan Grant.

Winner: Packers (11-5)

Wild Card: None

Actual Winner: Vikings (12-4)

Actual Wild Card: Packers (11-5)

SD: I pretty much nailed the Packers (toot, toot!) but the Favre experiment in Minnesota went much better than I expected. I still stand by their fatal flaw being how Favre’s appearance changed the offensive identity of this team but I did not expect Favre’s presence to turn Sidney Rice and Visanthe Shiancoe into Jerry Rice and Brent Jones. And that seems so obvious in retrospect. Thankfully, the old Brett re-emerged just in time to end the Vikings season, break Vikings fans hearts and keep me from eating crow for an entire off-season.

2010 Projection: Let’s be clear. Brett Favre is not retiring. He just isn’t. I don’t care what he says. With that said, does the 2009 Brett Favre show up to Vikings camp several weeks after the rest of the team, or does an older version of the 2008 Favre show up to Vikings camp several weeks after the rest of the team? Call me the eternal pessimist but if a guy averages 17 INTs across a career and one season throws 5, that is an aberration not a trend. If the Packers go get some offensive linemen this offseason, that should put them over the top.

2010 Winner: Packers

NFC South

In the merry-go-round that is the NFC South each year brings a new surprise team. Last year the Falcons were the out-of-nowhere team that rose from the ashes and made the playoffs. This year I think it will be the Saints. Much like a plane crash survivor always trembles at the least turbulence, I just can’t forget the horrific display put on by Jake Delhomme in the playoffs last year. Despite a great defense and great running game, Jake’s presence single-handedly ends any consideration I might make for the Panthers. Yes, his performance last January was that bad. Remember how your feelings about U2 changed after the Zooropa tour? That is me and Jake right now. The Bucs are in what could charitably be described as re-building mode. I tend to think of it more as self-destruction mode what with choosing to start Byron Leftwich and Cadillac Williams behind a shaky offensive line – no injury concerns there. The Falcons should be as good as last year. Unfortunately they play a significantly tougher schedule and have higher expectations so being as good won’t be good enough. That leaves the Saints. A team that has been the ‘IT’ team more often over the last five years than Reggie Bush has been identified as a potential fantasy sleeper. It is only fitting, now that everyone has given up on Reggie ever being anything more than Kim Kardashian’s purse holder that the Saints finally live up to their hype.

Winner: Saints (10-6)

Wild Card: Falcons (9-7)

Actual Winner: Saints (13-3)

Actual Wild Card: None

SD: I finally get the Steve Young memorial monkey off my back, with a correct call. For the record, the Falcons went 9-7 this year but didn’t qualify for the Wild Card. Jake Delhomme picked up right where he left off and the Bus were a joke. So I pretty much nailed this one. Though, I did miss on Reggie Bush – he is still pretty much best known as Kim’s purse holder, but hey 4 out of 5 ain’t bad.

2010 Projection: the Saints have a lot of players to re-sign this spring and surprise Super Bowl winners tend to go one of two ways in the year after: they come back with confidence overflowing and play like champions or they come back content and play like the Steelers. If they can get the core of their team back, the Saints have so little competition here they should be able to repeat, unlike every NFC South winner this decade.

2010 Winner: Saints

NFC West

Remarkably, the NFC West is the home of our defending NFC champions. Its’ true – you can look it up. Even stranger, that team is named the Cardinals! So, naturally they are the favorites again this year, right? Sorry, desert dwellers I am not buying it. Losing both coordinators and relying on stubble-ific, god-fearing grandpappy Kurt Warner makes me think the 8-8 regular season is more emblematic of your team than the unbelievable ‘Cardanuary’ performance turned in by Larry Fitzgerald. Maybe my year in the Emerald City has caused me to drink the latte about the Seahawks but I think they are the winners of the NFC West. They have finally found a receiver and their already strong defense got better with the arrival of Aaron Curry. As long as Hasselbeck can stay healthy and they find some semblance of a running game, I think the Seahawks have enough to win this division. This is the point where I make a joke about the Forty-Niners and Rams. Unfortunately there is nothing funny about what has happened to these two teams in the last 5 years.

Winner: Seahawks (10-6)

Wild Card: None

Actual Winner: Cardinals (10-6)

Wild Card: None

SD: My picking of the Seahawks is starting to border on a “Chris Berman picking a 49er/Bills Super Bowl” level of idiocy. Every year I talk myself into them. Then Matt Hasselbeck plays the first game looking like Abe Simpson, their running game disappears and I question my own sanity. The Cardinals defied the odds and showed that the previous playoff run wasn’t a complete fluke by dominating the NFC West again. Though that is like saying Memphis dominates Conference-USA in basketball.

2010 Projection: Matt Leinart leads the Cardinals to another NFC West title. Ok, I just wanted to see it in print and, yep, it looks ridiculous. Of course writing the Forty-Niners, Seahawks or Rams are going to be division winners looks just as dumb. Could an off-season that includes a movie called ‘Hot Tub Time Machine’ actually be an omen that football’s most famous hot tub user will return to his collegiate form?

2010 Winner: Cardinals

Playoffs

Wildcard:

Eagles @ Saints: Much like the Suns of the mid-nineties in the NBA, the Saints demonstrate that a high-flying offense alone isn’t enough to win in the playoffs. TV commentators across the country rejoice in being able to recycle the age-old cliché that ‘defense wins championships’ as high quality analysis.

Falcons @ Seahawks: The inaugural Jim Mora Bowl. Do you trust a southern Dome team to win in Seattle in January? Me neither.

Divisional Playoffs:

Seahawks @ Giants: Two years ago, I never would have imagined that I would take Eli over Hasselbeck in a playoff game. Like ripples from a drop of water, the repercussions from that Super Bowl upset of the Patriots just won’t end.

Eagles @ Packers: Unlike the Saints, the Packers have a little defense to help their high-scoring offense. Therefore, unlike the Saints, the Eagles won’t beat the Packers.

NFC Championship:

Packers @ Giants: Apparently I am feeling very 2007 – as we have a re-match of the NFC Championship game. I tried to warn you that I discounted everything that happened last year. The final proof that I am feeling so 2007? No, not that I will be watching Heroes every week. Instead, I come up with a Super Bowl re-match.

NFC Champion: New York Giants

Actual NFC Champion: New Orleans Saints

SD: So the Saints had a little more defense and running game than I give them credit for and the Giants had significantly less. Rather than actually doing research, I just like to use each team’s stereotypes to predict them. Maybe I shouldn’t be so critical of Ice Dancing after all.

2010 Projection: The NFC seems wide open going into next season. We have the Favre factor – does he come back and is he the good, the bad or the ugly? The Saints, year after effect. The Cardinals with Matt Leinart taking over for Kurt Warner. The Cowboys still have Wade Phillips and Tony Romo. Which team could step up? Is there another team out there that could come out of nowhere and dominate? Who knows. The draft and free-agency season should help clarify things. But for a team with the least number of questions, right now there is one clear answer.

2010 NFC Winner: Packers

This past week should have been the best week of football in the entire year, but due to a crazy work schedule, I have been uncharacteristically silent on all that transpired. Just think about all of the football we have seen since last weekend’s NFL games:

 - On Monday, TCU went out and choked under the bright lights and made fools of all of us lobbying that they were deserving of a BCS title shot (or at least a game against Florida to prove themselves). Instead they went out and were dominated by a Boise State defense that gave up 35 points to Louisiana Tech. We did however learn that Chris Petersen and his coaching staff may prepare their team for bowls better than any other coaching staff (see: 2007 Oklahoma Fiesta Bowl, sorry Turner).

- On Tuesday, I saw exactly one play of the Iowa/Georgia Tech game but I am happy that Shadow’s Hawkeyes were the one team all bowl season to defeat a triple-option oriented team. Apparently the Fall of the Shadow has bled into 2010.

- Wednesday night, some directional school from the MAC beat some other school, which actually makes this much like every other Wednesday. Yet another reason Wednesday might be the worst day of the week – it’s only redeeming quality being its Middle School-esque nickname of ‘Hump Day’.

- Thursday night, Alabama won a BCS title (not national title) deserving of an asterisk only slightly larger than the one on Barry Bonds’ home run totals.

- Friday, the Seahawks fired Jim Mora way too soon and ensured that their fan-base has years of disappointment and underachievement ahead of them being coached by Pete Carroll, a guy who won exactly one undisputed national title while coaching the college equivalent of the AFC Pro Bowl team for a decade.

And then as if to rub salt in the wound of work keeping me from enjoying all this great football action I awake this morning to a press release in my in-box announcing January as National Football Month. I don’t know what that means (other than that creepy middle-aged guy driving a 1970’s Camaro delivering pizzas on TV is trying to stage a coup to claim King of Football Food – taking it away from buffalo wings) but it just re-enforced how much work can get in the way of enjoying football. Damn you, employment.

All of this is a long way of pointing out that the NFL games this weekend sort of suck. After days and days of interesting football games (or so I was told) we are stuck with a slate of games that not even their own fan bases can get excited about – even if we hadn’t seen 3 of them all of 6 days ago.

So as a protest against these ugly games, we are boycotting the Hierarchy of Hate this weekend. If you need advice on who to cheer on – well, for one game (Bengals/Jets) just scroll down and read last week’s THH. For the other games, I advice cheering for games strictly based on potential match-ups later in the playoffs.

Cardinals vs. Packers? Obviously the prospect of a Favre / Packers re-rematch should be enticing enough to put you in green and yellow this weekend. For weeks, I have maintained that the poor Vikings fans have a devastating home loss to look forward to in the playoffs. Could it be even sweeter if that came at the hands of the Packers? Circle of Life my friends. That Elton John fellow knows a lot about the NFL for a gay Englishman.

Patriots vs. Ravens? Do I really need to stay anything more than 4^th and Two the Sequel:  No More Punts? Yes, if they beat the Ravens and then the Chargers and we could be looking at the Pats going back into Indy, this time with the AFC title on the game. Give me that over another one of those boring Steeler/Raven AFC title games any day.

As for Eagles/Cowboys – well, either team playing New Orleans would be interesting, so let’s agree to cheer for the Eagles just because it is so much fun to hear and joke about how the Cowboys and Tony Romo can’t win in the playoffs. I have already lost making fun of Tebow and Gary Danielson’s special relationship. Don’t take this away from me too.

In a week where I miss the best football of the year because of 15 hour work days, I need some sort of joy in my life.

You may remember this past summer, when Michael Jackson and Steve McNair died in the span of just a few days, I wrote a column about how the way someone dies shouldn’t overshadow the way they lived.

Well, in a slightly less lethal way, I was reminded of that lesson this week. You see, Mickey Andrews confirmed the worst kept secret in Tallahassee not involving Charlie Crist’s sex life. After 26 years with the Noles, Andrews, the defensive coordinator is retiring. While the myopic may look at the Noles giving up 34, 28, 44, 27 and 42 points already this season and say ‘well, he was going whether he wanted to or not’, it is only appropriate to take a step back and appreciate Andrews’ entire career.

Not only was Andrews’ defense the real key to making the Noles the best team in college football  for about a decade and a half (quick – how many quarterbacks can you name for the Noles from 1987 – 2000?) but he also helped teach some of the greatest defensive players in the game. Deion Sanders, Derrick Brooks – two of the best players at their position in the history of the sport learned from Andrews. And, given their off-the-field personalities, it is pretty clear Andrews is not a coach that requires mindless automatons unlike some other less flexible coaches. Add in other players like Terrell Buckley, LeRoy Butler, Marvin Jones, Pete Boulware, Bryant McFadden, Chris Hope, Lawrence Timmons, Darnell Dockett, Antonio Cromartie – Andrews has been responsible for more great players than Nick Saban, Pete Carroll and Jim Tressell combined.

While I may mock and curse the Noles disappointing performance this year, that doesn’t mean I have anything but respect for Mickey. So, enjoy your retirement Mickey.

Next year, you can join the rest of us in complaining about the Noles disappointing performance.

While, I am stuck working in San Francisco for the weekend, Turner and the Shadow have roadtripped to Lincoln for the OU/NU game. Sadly, they are only 24 years too late for it to really matter but never-the-less I am probably the first person mad to be stuck in San Francisco rather than Lincoln for the weekend.

Turner: Wednesday Nov 5^th:

From 30,000 feet above the great beige landscape of Wyoming, we are coming to you with the weekly edition of THH.  I’m a bit concerned about our readership as no one asked the question of why there were no NFL games?  I’m sure SuperDave will admit to his careless attention to detail and lack of focus of quality on this over-read blog.

The week thus far has consisted of Boise, ID.  Let me tell you of the GREATEST invention ever….Fry Sauce…… I will likely be starting a “frysauceblog” to rate and gather scientific information about the concoction of mayonnaise, ketchup, paprika, and horseradish (just one recipe) that might be the most heavenly thing since, well, hmmmmmm……. I’m not sure if there is a comparison.   Apparently this is a Northwest (or at least Idaho) thing.  Every restaurant has their own recipe and fast food restaurants carry it as part of their standard condiment package.  As the Shadow will attest, I found this one of the most amazing creations ever created.  So I have a new endeavor in life, and that is to spread the greatness of Fry Sauce to the rest of America.  If you haven’t tried, please use this opportunity to experience the essence of why food was put on this earth.   A condiment that can double as ‘soup’ and be eaten alone is truly a National Treasure.   

If you are a facebook aficionado (like SuperDave just became!) please visit the official site…

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Fry-Sauce/74421423291?v=feed&story_fbid=116075066313

Thursday Nov 6^th:

We aren’t quite in the air any more and we aren’t quite ready for football picks… We just passed the sign on Interstate 80 for the Original Pony Express Station somewhere in Western Nebraska.  The Shadow is flying at 80 mph in our Pontiac G6 while we listen to his variety of Taylor Swift, Def Leopard, Michael Jackson, and Tiffany.  Yes, I’m stuck in this silver bullet absolutely dying right now.  He took control of the radio and will not relinquish it.  The other issue I’m facing is that the Shadow will not turn on the in-car circulation and if you have every been to NE Colorado or Western Nebraska (or any of Nebraska), the putrid smell of cow manure has officially been absorbed into my OKC Thunder T-shirt and hair follicles.  I’m pretty sure if I’m suggest to a drug test over the next 6 months, I might fail b/c what has been absorbed into my system….. With that I must quickly supply a very short explanation b/c I am losing all oxygen b/c I officially can not breathe. This might be the last you’ll ever hear from me so I’m giving the Shadow my credentials to send this message upon my death.  It has been a good ride…. MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Shadow: People always give me crap for being a Yankee fan.  My first actual memories of baseball are from the Bucky Dent game in 1978, when I was 6 years old and sitting in the kitchen watching a tiny black and white TV with my dad, who was a big Yankees fan.  It was only natural that I would become one as well, and as I have told many friends over the years, I had to go from 1978-1996 before I got to witness another World Series victory, so don’t give me any sh*t about being some late ’90′s bandwagoner.  That being said, I am lucky enough to have gotten to enjoy 5 titles in the last 13 years, and have enjoyed every minute of it.  The Yankees have the most money, blah, blah, blah, blah.  Yeah, and I wish Iowa could recruit blue chips from the Southeast or California or Texas.   Every sport, although maybe Pro Football the least, has some sort of talent disparity, if not payroll disparity.  Get over it.  Okay, now that the rant is out of the way, I can try and summon up the hatred.

College

LSU @ Alabama

SD: This week, rather than coming up with some obscure reason to pick rooting interests in games no one actually cares about, we are entering the heavyweight division. We are picking the two biggest games of the week. First stop Tuscaloosa. I could argue that I am picking LSU because I don’t think Alabama can beat UF and I want to minimize the inevitable win for UF in the SEC title game. I could say that rather than hearing about Bama and UF playing a playoff game for the BCS title game in the SEC title game will drive me insane and a foregone conclusion of LSU losing again to UF would be much easier to digest. I could argue all of these things but really I am cheering for LSU because I have always felt that the fans of Baton Rouge were kindred spirits and even more importantly, because I would love to get more kindred with the female spirits of LSU, if you know what I mean. Oh yeah, and I hate Nick Saban.

Turner: Air Boats and Creole over Winnebago’s and BBQ

Shadow: With my Hawkeyes perched where they have never flown before in the BCS standings, it is only natural that all of my hatred is squarely focused on the three teams ahead of them, one of which is the Crimson Tide.  Every week I am hoping for a loss from Bama, and every week I am disappointed.  I am pulling for the Tigers here.

Ohio State @ Penn State

SD: In just about every other year, this game would be to decide who gets to go to the Rose Bowl (or BCS Title game) and get slaughtered by a more athletic team from the west or south. This year, however – thanks to Shadow’s boys from the creatively named Iowa City –  it is really only to decide who will take the lead in the recruiting battle for some ‘athletic’ (meaning athletic relative to the rest of his state) high school senior from either Ohio or Pennsylvania that will be the next savior of the Big Ten to come in and not really do much. Call it the Terrelle Pryor bowl. So, which fanbase takes the lead in the sweepstakes to mutter ‘damn, another fumble, at least it wasn’t another interception’ each week for the next half-decade? I will go with Ohio State only because it is always fun to watch Kirk Herbstreit try and rationalize how OSU is athletic enough this year to compete, when they never are.

Turner: On this one, the pick is for the Shadow… We need to fully root for PSU on this one so that in the event that Iowa ‘may’ (but definitely won’t) stumble against Ohio State in 2 weeks, the Hawkeyes still get to go to the Rose Bowl (with easy wins against Northwestern and Minnesota!!)  Ideally, they will be undefeated but this White Out win at least will guarantee the Rose Bowl for the Shadow, which he said he would attend!

Shadow: This one is going to be very petty and very self-serving.  I want Iowa to go undefeated.  If that is not going to happen, then I want them to win the Big 10 and play in the Rose Bowl for only the 3rd time while I have been cognizant of college football.  Both of the last two times (1985 and 1990) were utter failures.  I want them to go to the Rose Bowl and kick the ass of some Pac-10 team like we kick the ass of SEC teams in bowls.  We hold a win over Penn State.  We play Ohio State next week.  If Penn State beats Ohio State, then technically we could still lose to Ohio State and win the Big 10 based on them having 2 losses and us owning a win over Penn State.  So for this weekend, I am totally a supporter of Linebacker U.

NFL

Tennessee @ San Francisco

SD: My secret theme this week in the NFL is simple. Music. We are again visiting Tennessee (or the middle) but this time they are representing country music. San Fran, of course, is the home or adopted home of almost every important 60’s band. Despite reading Chuck Klosterman’s chapter on the retrospectively weird Garth Brooks /Chris Gaines experiment last week, I have to go with San Francisco. The Dead or the Gaitlin Brothers? Minnie Pearl or Janice Joplin? Grand Ole Opry or the Fillmore? Hee Haw or the Electic Kool Aid Acid Test? Please.

Turner: Pull my pants down for this one, Niners roll!!! 

Shadow: Vince Young versus Alex Smith.  Vince Young went to Texas.  Alex Smith was coached by Urban Meyer.  Vince Young singlehandedly beat Michigan and USC in back to back years on New Years Day.  Alex Smith led Utah to its only undefeated season ever.  Vince Young won a national title.  Alex Smith and Utah were one of the first “BCS Busters”.  Sense a trend here?  Exactly…we must focus on their college careers because each has been pretty much a bust to this point in the pros.  But both have another chance to grab the reins and turn their careers around.  How can we hate that?  We love second chance stories.  Call this one a push.

Detroit @ Seattle

SD: Motown versus the grunge movement. Well, next time I get home I will probably put on a flannel and I have several Pearl Jam songs on my Ipod. Does that answer your question as to which I am picking?

Turner: This one is for the Java, my operating system, and rain over gun-shots and….  Hmmm……Eminem??   Go ‘hawks!! 

Shadow: KISS versus Nirvana.  Pontiac Silverdome versus the Kingdome.   Starbucks coffee versus Little Caesar’s pizza.  How sucky would it be to have to be in Detroit where they hold one out of every 8 Super Bowls or so, and know that your team is far, far, far, far away from ever getting to the big dance, and there are no signs of a turnaround?   But, you know what…..I just really, really hate the Seahawks throwback jerseys.  More like throw-up jerseys.  Blecch.  Let’s see if the Lions can shock the world and double their win total to ’2′.

It’s my first week back after a two week vacation, so to call me unmotivated to work would be the bigger understatement than saying that Jon and Kate might not be quite worthy of the attention they are getting.

After spending the entire week debating via email whether the second winningest coach in major college football deserved to keep his job three weeks after beating the #7 team in the country by 30-points in their home stadium, I am in a particularly hateful mood for today’s THH. So, to keep myself in check, I have decided to use a theme for my picks. In honor of my recently completed trip in which I walked in the footsteps of Ernest Hemingway (sometimes metaphorically, sometimes literally), I have decided to use the literary giants of each THH location to decide this week’s winners.

Turner: Unfortunately Turner has to be short and sweet this week, still recovering from having to shave off his Landry Jones mustache after his Sooners laid an egg last week in Miami (as predicted)….. One week tune-up here with Baylor…. On a positive note, my Fantasy football trade of Drew Brees, Dwain Bowe and Reggie Bush for Phillip Rivers, Brandon Jacobs and Anquin Boldin made me very happy. Brees topped off in week 1 and anytime I can unload Reggie Bush, it is a good day.

Shadow: As I write this, I am 67 hours away from my 5th trip to Mile High 2.0 to see the Broncos play that wonderful sport known around the world as “American Football”.  I have seen wins (against the Raiders and Bucs) and losses (against the Steelers and Patriots).  I have lived the high-life (corporate suite with free food and drinks and a great view of the cheerleaders) and the really high-life (very top row of the stadium right between the north uprights for a cold MNF game against the Pats……it figures that is where tickets you win on the radio would be).  But, there has been one thing missing.  I have never seen a game with good friends.  Nothing against my wife, my father, my brother-in-law, or my son……but I am amped up to see a game live with Turner and SuperDave.  It will be hard to work up much hatred going into a weekend that could see my Yankees take a commanding lead in the ALDS, the Hawkeyes beat down Michigan, and a chilly Sunday afternoon at the Stadium.  But I will try.

 Footnote:  The Dodgers just tied Game 2 in the bottom of the ninth in part due to a Matt Holliday error.  I remember his error in the Padres play-in game that almost did in the Rockies in 2007…so I feel for you Redbird fans.

College

Alabama @ Ole Miss

SD: The obvious literary representative for Ole Miss would be Oxford local William Faulkner. Representing Bama would be…ummm…I suppose Bear Bryant probably wrote a book or something. Actually there is only one book that I think of when I think of Bama – the modern classic that is: Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer. Unfortunately for Ole Miss, I once tried to read a Faulkner book in middle school for a book report and didn’t finish 4 chapters (yet did surprisingly well on the subsequent report). Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer I have read several times. Roll Tide

Turner: Colonel Rebel is one of the best mascots ever, you add that to the Grove and you have the makings of GREAT college football… If only Peyton would have lived up to his Dad and brother’s legacy, it would have been perfect….. Plus, 100 bonus points for ‘Blind Side’ (Shadow – please read the freakin’ book)… Oh yeah, I hate Bama

[SD Note: I can’t believe that I skipped over The Blind Side. That would have really helped out Ole Miss. That and factoring in the co-eds.]

Shadow: You know what I hate?  I hate coaches without loyalty to any contract or situation.  I am looking at you Nick Saban.  Plus, I still remember the Rebels dealing the Fighting Tebows their last loss.  I just can’t generate any hatred for them.  Go Rebels.

Auburn @ Arkansas

SD: Unlike certain other schools in the south, I can’t say that Arkansas and Auburn are hotbeds of literary geniuses. Unless you count Bill Clinton’s immortal “it depends on what the definition of ‘is’ is”speech. In fact that most literary thing I can come up with for these schools are their cheers: ‘Pig-Sooey’ for the Razorbacks and ‘War-Eagle’ for Auburn. Clearly, the edge in this epic battle goes to Arkansas. Auburn’s mascot is the Tiger – yet they yell ‘War Eagle’? What is that? Do they want to cover every possible ‘completely overused mascot’ base? Lame. Give me the calling of the hogs any day. It may be so stereotypical as to border on satirical, but at least it is original.

Turner:  Full bore Razorbacks on this one.  Mostly because I feel very anti-Alabama this week.  Since I said I hate Bama then naturally I just have to dislike Auburn, mostly because they were the only thing between my Mustangs and a national championship in swimming back in the late 90’s.  I know for a fact that Mustangs can swim faster than Tigers….  Razorbacks DOMINATE this one and send Auburn to their first loss.  WOOOOOOOOO  PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG  SUUEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYY

Shadow:  Did you know that the Heisman Trophy is named for a former Auburn coach?  Me neither, but it really makes me mad, because Iowa has only ever had one Hesiman trophy winner (Nile Kinnick in 1939).  “Woooooo, Pig…Sooooooie!!” 

Footnote part Deux:  The Dodgers just won.  Poor Matt Holliday fans.

NFL

Atlanta @ San Francisco

SD: A little twist on the battle of local authors in this one. In this corner, we have Atlanta’s own Margaret Mitchell, author (author-ess?) of Gone with the Wind. In the other corner we have San Francisco’s George Lucas – he of Star Wars. This contest might be more one-sided than Rhett Butler challenging Obi-Wan-Kenobi to a sword fight. Even playing with the handicap that is Jar Jar Binks, George Lucas trounces Margaret Mitchell and then cuts open her belly and sleeps inside of it.

Turner: MICHAEL CRABTREE SIGNS!!  Yes, my Niners are returning to GLORY and I much prefer BART over MARTA.  Not even close in terms of the number of germs contained within the Atlanta transit system.

Shadow: I hate the Braves way more than the Giants.  Go SF!

Seattle @ Jacksonville

SD: In a battle of the home-away-from-home locations for Turner and I, it all comes down to the music. That’s right, Pearl Jam versus Lynyrd Skynyrd. One could argue this could really be framed as pro-Neil Young versus anti-Neil Young, however I choose not to look at it that way. Not when you have the brilliant song-writing of Pearl Jam. Think about the modern classic Yellow Ledbetter:

“On the sea there, on the portside vetta, say, let me say, I wanna leave it again.

Once I saw him on a beachside weather, said I’m gonna say, I wanna leave it again.

On the reavan, onna wish it on the way, yeah and I call on a say and wont wanna say and I call out again ”

Not even Free Bird can compete with that kind of poetry. Rock on Seahawks.

Turner: SuperDave tries to pit the Nelnet office against his adopted work hometown of Seattle in this one. Unfortunately he failed to realize that my affection for Jacksonville and the humidity and the state of florida is about on the same level as raw onions, turnips and toe fungus.  I’m not sure that I can really name a whole lot in Jax that makes me want to cheer other than some of my great co-workers down there (SHOUT OUT TO THE NELNET!).  The bugs, snakes, mosquitos and alligators just doesn’t make for a lovely place.   PLUS, anytime you can get skiing and ocean within hours of each other, it might be heaven….. (even with the rain and Microsoft).

Shadow: My hatred of the Jags has been well established, plus, is it just me, or does anyone else sort of pull for the Seahawks because they used to be in the AFC West?  Let’s win one for “the Boz”.