A week ago, I arrived about 3 hours late to a 4-hour long fundraising party being hosted by my wife to benefit a group associated with the Denver Art Museum, whose Board she sits on. I had come directly from the airport, where I had flown in from a week spent working long hours in D.C.

Talking to a friend that night, I mentioned I had flown home to Denver from Tallahassee on Sunday, flown back to D.C. on Monday, back to Denver on Thursday and was flying back to D.C. again on Sunday.

He joked about me talking to a 20-year old version of myself and telling him about the week. I replied that the 20-year old me would have thought it sounded very cool and would be excited that I must have grown into some sort of important executive. The 36-year old me would have then told the 20-year old me that it isn’t as glorious as it sounds (though I wouldn’t mention the occasional first-class upgrade), be careful what you wish for, go buy another drink and talk to that really cute girl in the corner of the bar.

As I sit on yet another plane flight writing this, the movie playing is Midnight in Paris. A movie I love and saw twice in the theatre (which is a very big endorsement as I typically see about 3-4 movies per year in a theatre). At its core, the movie is both a love letter to the city of Paris, but also to the nostalgic yearning for a time we don’t know. While some people yearn for the future (the 20-year old me), Owen Wilson’s character (and to a lesser extent the 36-year old me), yearn for a time in the past.

But it is also a warning that all of that yearning is a waste as the idealized vision we have in our heads, never aligns with reality. Owen Wilson’s character wants to return to the 1920’s in Paris. Yet the woman he meets there, hates the 20’s and only wants to re-visit the 1890’s.

Nothing is ever as glamorous as we make it out to be. Just think about how little people bathed back then, you just know while the sites of Paris would be wondrous; the smell would have been atrocious.

A broke college student looks at a business executive and sees the freedom that comes from financial stability but doesn’t see the long hours and sacrifices necessary. The business executive looks at the college student and sees freedom from responsibility and free time but not the budgeting required to stretch $50 across a week’s worth of food and a weekend at the bars.

Is this all just the over-morose ramblings of an exhausted mind? Is it all just an elaborate mental game that convinces me life was not any better when Florida State and the Broncos were winning championships and not dead teams walking before October 1st?

Probably yes and yes.

Anyway, on to this week’s games. In keeping with our mindset, I asked Turner to find a theme for me and he went back to the very foundations of the Hierarchy of Hate. No elaborate set-up or theme. Just a simple comparison between two teams.

A theme we would have used back at the very beginnings of the Hierarchy of Hate. Back when things were so much simpler….

Theme: Pick your animal (and any other reason you care to write about)

College

SMU Ponies vs. TCU Horned Frogs

I have always made it a point of pride to not wear clothing for schools with which I have no affiliation. But I have made one exception in adulthood and that is for the SMU Mustangs. I am comfortable with this decision on the rationale that while my personal experience with the school consists entirely of one dreary morning spent driving around the campus, I count as friends what seems to be a large percentage of the graduating class of 1997. But setting aside personal feelings, per Turner’s instructions, I can choose any reason for making a pick and for me there is one overriding factor in my liking a mascot: originality. Between the Boise State Broncos, Texas Longhorns and South Florida Bulls there are other ranch animal-mascots. There aren’t a lot of other Frog mascots. While there are good reasons for that – mainly that frogs aren’t overly intimidating and are mainly seen today only splattered on the side of the road – at least TCU decided to go for a unique mascot.

Rice Owls vs. Southern Mississippi Eagles

Before I ever started writing at PFB, Turner and I once did a THH for the entire March Madness tournament via email for our own amusement, which when viewed in hindsight, sounds pretty pathetic. (Re-prints of this never-before-seen first edition THH are available for just 3 easy payments of $39.99) Our first round criteria were a comparison of each team’s mascot. Through two long nights of research we discovered that approximately 43.1% of all college mascots involve a bird. Of these bird mascots over 53% were some variation on Eagles, Hawks or Falcons*. Owl mascots are much more unique, so despite Southern Miss trying to fancy up their lame Eagle mascot by tacking ‘Golden’ on the front, Rice is the clear winner here. On a wholly unrelated but supportive note, I also always really liked that metallic owl that helped out Perseus in the Clash of Titans movie I watched weekly as a child.

* – All numbers are approximate**

** – and by ‘approximate’ I mean completely invented by the author but feel anecdotally accurate

NFL:

Bears vs Panthers

This might be the least inspiring mascot battle since the Auburn Tigers visited the Clemson Tigers a couple weeks ago. While Bears are generally only a ½ notch ahead of Tiger, Lion or Eagle in the mascot originality out-house, I give the edge here to Chicago. Even if names aren’t unique, I like cities where there are cross-team themes. Detroit has the Lions and Tigers (but no bears, oh my). Pittsburgh has black and gold as unifying colors across all their pro teams. Miami teams have the color teal and half empty stadiums in common. The Bears as a stand-alone is bad, but coupled with the Cubs on the upper- side, at least they went with a little-brother, big-brother dynamic. The Panthers, on the other hand seemed to be picked specifically to ensure no fans would be left out or insulted. It is un-orginal, un-inspired and boring. Sort of like the city of Charlotte.

Seahawks vs. Falcons

This is turning into a very Hitchcockian THH with all the birds running around. I wonder what Tippi Hedren would think of this match-up? She seems like more of a Seattle kind of girl to me (pale skin that has rarely seen sunshine). Similar to the college avian match-up above, you have to give credit to the team that went with the more original bird choice. Especially since after spending most of 3 years in Seattle I am pretty sure seahawks are the jackalope or Sasha Fierce of the bird world – a fictitious animal created to make a rather boring animal (seagulls, bunny rabbits, Beyonce) seem much more intimidating.

While I will cheer on the Hawks, I think it is safe to say that after this THH, the only bird contest I am looking forward to this fall is the movie with Steve Martin, Jack Black and Owen Wilson.

Though I will probably wait until it comes out on DVD.

With the first week of football I should be feeling a lot of emotions: excitement, joy, contentment, hunger.

Instead I feel shame.

For the first time in the 4 plus years of writing for this site, a football weekend went by without a Hierarchy of Hate to guide how you should direct your cheering efforts. I have no excuse. I simply forgot. Time got away from me. I had other things to write about. The cat ate my network connection.

Whatever. There are no legitimate excuses. I failed you. I imagine someone sitting on their couch with a Go Ducks t-shirt and Geaux Tigers sign, rapidly refreshing the site, unsure of which to wave on Saturday night, yearning to know how the number of coffee shops in Baton Rouge and Eugene compare and thus who to pull for.

All I can offer at this point is my humble apologies. And a promise.

To the fans and everybody in profootballblogger Nation, I’m sorry. I’m extremely sorry. We were hoping for an undefeated season. That was my goal, something we have never done here. I promise you one thing, a lot of good will come out of this. You will never see any blogger in the entire country write as hard as I will write the rest of the season. You will never see someone push the rest of the THH team as hard as I will push everybody the rest of the season. You will never see a team write harder than we will the rest of the season.God Bless.

On to this week’s inaugural 2011 picks.

We decided to ring in the 2011 season we would go back to the beginning.

Not the beginning of THH. The beginnings of each team.

Unfortunately Turner and the Shadow can’t join us this week as they both had to have neck surgery today with an eye toward being back in the game before the end of the seas….what’s that? Oh, that was Peyton Manning? Then, yeah they are just both slackers.

I apparently have a lot of work to do to fulfill that promise.

College: Which university namesake would you most want to watch a game with?

Stanford vs Duke

SD: Leland Stanford was a railroad tycoon and politician. The Duke family had grown wealthy by growing tobacco and gave so much money to a local school it was renamed after them. I have had many goals in life (win an Olympic gold medal, win a fishing tournament, live in a houseboat behind McCovey Cove) but one of them is to be referred to as a Tycoon. As a history/business geek I have read several books about the early 1900’s when the country was run by a small band of rich, ruthless men who were always referred to as tycoons. It is such a perfect descriptor. With six simple letters you can call someone a rich, powerful asshole. That is efficiency. I may not have wanted to work for old Leland back in the day but give me a tycoon over tobacco barons any day.

Wofford vs Clemson

SD: Wofford is named after Reverend Benjamin Wofford a local Methodist Minister. Thomas Clemson married the daughter of former Vice President John Calhoun and inherited the land on which Clemson now stands from the Calhoun family. So Wofford was a local reverend who wanted to do good for his neighborhood while Clemson was a guy who lived in Paris while young, married into a rich, powerful family, out-lived the entire family, completely eclipsed that family in the country’s shared memory and then donated their land to start the school with the 2^nd best looking co-eds in the ACC. This contest is more one-sided than the game will be. Thomas Clemson might be my new hero in life.

NFL: Which mascot do you think best represents its hometown city?

Steelers vs Ravens

SD: The Steelers are obviously named for the local steel industry which means if they wanted to be truly authentic, they would be in the process of relocating to Guangzhou, China. On the contrary, the Ravens are a reference to the famous story written by Baltimore native Edgar Allan Poe. Of course, if a Raven were seen in Baltimore today, it would be shot by one of the cities criminals popularized by the TV show The Wire. Or one of the criminals that plays football for the local team. Either way, the bird would be dead and Jason Whitlock would spend a 1,000 words telling us why the dead bird is a metaphor for The Wire being more important than any book ever written. Whatever Jason. I still like books. Especially, in comparison to molten metal. Go Ravens.

Seahawks vs 49ers

The 49ers are named for the gold miners that swarmed northern California after a mother lode was discovered in 1849. The Seahawks are named after…hawks…that…like…live…near the sea…or something. Frankly, I spent the majority of 3 years in Seattle and never saw anything remotely resembling a sea hawk. Other than the homeless junkie that lived on the stairs near my hotel that bore a striking resemblance to Charlie Whitehurst. If the Seattle football team wants to name themselves after a fictional animal maybe they could have picked a fiercer animal. Like a Griffin. Or a Liger. Or a Unicorn. At least we have historical proof of the 49ers existence. And I bet some of them even became gold tycoons. Awesome. Go Niners.

Back to finish out our guesses at how the First Round of the NFL draft would play out if only teams cared as much about amusing us as they do making money.

#17 – Patriots (from Raiders: I am sad that we don’t get to see what fast, talentless player Al Davis would take this year) – Anthony Costanzo is a tackle from Boston College. He is a hometown boy that can come in to protect the weepy face of the franchise Tom Brady. He can also become the next white, overrated fan favorite (or as I call it: the Birdman) after Danny Woodhead loses his job (foreshadowing!)

#18 – Chargers – The Chargers need to trade up and grab Patrick Peterson. Not only does he replace Antonio Cromartie’s pass coverage that the poor Chargers defense missed last year but also more importantly helps the Chargers abysmal special teams. However, there is no word on whether Peterson can replace Cromartie’s dominance of the Father-Son-Son-Son-Son Picnic.

#19 – Giants – The Giants should grab Da’Quan Bowers if the Clemson defensive lineman can fall to them. I know Bowers has some injury concerns, but it seems like the rest of the Giants defensive linemen are always hurt, so Bowers would immediately bond with his teammates in the ice tub.

#20 –Buccaneers – Bucs tight end Kellen Winslow Jr. infamously said several years ago that he is a soldier. If that were true he would spend more time at the MASH unit than Hawkeye Pierce. However if the Bucs draft Nate Solder, the massive CU lineman, they would have one player who at last sounds like a soldier.

#21 – Chiefs – I still have no idea how the Chiefs won the AFC West. The only thing that I can come up with is thievery. They took the quarterback and GM from the Patriots. They took their coach from the Cardinals. Really they are just trying to mimic successful teams. For that reason, they can take Mike Pouncey, twin brother of Steeler pro-bowler Maurkice. Mike isn’t as good as Maurkice but the Chiefs aren’t a good as the Patriots or Steelers, so he should fit in well.

#22 – Colts – The Colts have been looking for a running back to take the pressure off of Peyton Manning. Ever since Edgerrin James’ career fell apart faster than Hedo Turkoglu in the 2011 playoffs the Colts have drafted Joseph Addai and Donald Brown in the first round and neither has been able to keep the job. Daniel Thomas has one attribute that neither Brown nor Addai has, size. He can take a pounding. Like when Manning stretches him out with a high pass while a linebacker takes aim at his ribs. Unlike most of Peyton’s other receivers he might only miss 1-2 games rather than the rest of the season.

#23 – Eagles – Needing another target for Michael Vick, the Eagles should grab Kyle Rudolph, the tight end out of Notre Dame and top tight end prospect in the draft. Sure, Rudolph can help blocking for Vick and catching passes, but mostly I just want to see what a fan-base that booed Santa could do to a guy named Rudolph if he disappoints.

#24 – Saints – The Saints have the most prolific offense in the NFL. Their defense however isn’t quite Super Bowl caliber. This team gave up 41 points to the Seahawks! Aaron Williams, the corner out of Texas would give them at least one shut down corner. I don’t know if he can tackle Marshawn Lynch but he would at least fly fewer than 5 yards on the stiffarm.  

#25 – Seahawks – Speaking of the Seahawks, despite the offensive explosion against the Saints, the Seahawks need to start thinking about the future of their team. Matt Hasselbeck is 35 years old (and a free agent) and I think we can all agree Charlie Whitehurst could shave his beard and the nickname Clipboard Jesus would still be at least ½ right. Jake Locker is a living legend in the state of Washington. If the Broncos can roll the dice with Tim Tebow, the Seahawks should bring in an athletic freak Locker and he can have a year or two to learn behind Hasselbeck. Just hope Hasselbeck doesn’t teach him about making predictions.

#26 – Ravens – The Ravens have brought in a number of veteran receivers over the last couple of years. Unfortunately, those receivers have about as much chance of beating a corner deep as Donald Trump has of winning the Presidential election. Drafting local boy Torrey Smith of Maryland would finally give the Ravens a receiver whose 40-yard dash time can’t be timed with a sun-dial.

#27 – Falcons – Looking to replicate the success of big/small back tandems the Falcons should draft Kendall Hunter to pair with Michael Turner. As both the Titans and Panther proved in years past the small/big running back combo is key to having a great regular season and failing in the playoffs. That would be totally new for the Falcons.

#28 – Patriots – Breaking hearts across  every Ben Affleck movie set, Belichick drafts running back Mikel Leshoure out of Illinois. Using a first round draft pick on a runningback from an underperforming Big 10 team? What could possibly go wrong for the Patriots?

#29 – Bears – Now that Bears quarterback Jay Cutler has become engaged to Laguna Beach start Kristin Cavallari, the Bears need to invest in a lineman to protect Cutler, who proved last winter he won’t be challenging Brett Favre’s consecutive game played streak. Tyron Smith, played at USC so he is used to playing with players more interested in being successful in Hollywood than in being successful on the football field.

#30 – Jets – The Jets need to continue to strengthen their defense while their young offense matures together. Linebacker Akeem Ayers out of UCLA provides another playmaker for the Jets defense. Rex Ryan really thinks Ayers could be a star. Rex is positive he has the best feet of any linebacker in the draft.

#31 – Steelers – They will have to trade up for him, but I have been saying for months that Nick Fairley’s destiny is to be a Steeler. He can dominate offenses from his defensive line position. His game is centered on playing in the shades of grey of the rule book and he is used to a fan base that is so loathed by others they would actually desecrate their most treasured symbols.  

#32 – Packers – It is easy to say that the Super Bowl champs don’t need more help but don’t forget that Aaron Rodgers was sacked 31 times last year. Adding Mississippi State’s Derek Sherrod would help shore up the Packers offensive line. And we all know that all of Green Bay loves players from Mississippi. I am already looking forward to Sherrod’s first teary-eyed press conference in 2024.

From deep down in my stomach, with every inch of me, I pure, straight hate you. But goddammit, do I respect you!

- Wes Mantooth,  Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

Today, I know how Wes feels.

With 4 divisional playoff games, it should be the best weekend of the year for The Hierarchy of Hate. Yet, in 3 of the 4 games, I really dislike one team, so there is no debate at all as to which team I will be cheering for.

I may respect their success but I can still pure, straight hate them.

It started in the pre-season when we laid out our most hated teams of the season. As you will see my two NFL choices are both playing this weekend. So how can I cheer for either of them? My reasons for hate in those warm, innocent days of late summer remain today. If anything as the temperatures cooled, my hate heated up.

The Pittsburgh fan-bases spent the summer ‘outraged’ at the antics of their quarterback, a guy who treats women like Michael Vick treats dogs, and Sarah Palin treats dignity. But the moment Big Ben took his hands off of co-eds who don’t want him touching them and put them back under center, all was forgiven.

Being a sexual predator is apparently ok in the Burgh as long as you can avoid the sack and complete the 15-yard out.  

In the pre-season, I hated the Jets for their ‘look-at-me’ antics and undue attention. Umm, how has that changed? Rex Ryan only stops being annoying when he has his wife’s toes in his mouth. Antonio Cromartie and Bart Scott have apparently taken the worst antics of their coach and decided to adopt that trait by calling attention to themselves with stupid comments. I hope that is the only trait they borrow from Rex.

 Just in case, the Jets cheerleaders should always wear socks around the Jets campus.

As for the other game in which my THH was set long ago, we have my 2^nd hometown playing the least likable former Bronco not named Bill Romanowski. You know you are a pretty miserable person when even Rick Reilly can’t find something nice to say about you.

 Jay Cutler is the first cancer that Reilly has met that he couldn’t turn into a heartwarming 800 word essay. That is impressive.

And he is playing against the underdogs from the Emerald city; a city where I have spent half of nearly every week for the last 3 years. To say, that this time has coincided with a low point in Seattle sports is like saying the women that go on the Bachelor embarrass their parents a little bit.

The Mariners have been the worst team in the majors twice. The Seahawks have been one of the worst teams in the NFL. The University of Washington was the worst team in NCAA 2 years ago. The SuperSonics moved to Oklahoma City and became one of the more likable young teams in the NBA. Seattle needs this win.

That leaves one last game. So let’s give it the full THH treatment. Complete with a theme.

Packers @ Falcons – Each team has a somewhat disgraced former quarterback that started when these teams last met in the playoffs. Which QB would you cheer on if they were playing today?

Choosing between Brett Favre and Michael Vick is like asking me which coach I like more that did analysis before the BCS championship game last week: Urban Meyer or Nick Saban. I dislike them each greatly but for different reasons.

I am one of those softies that gets a lump in his throat every time he sees one of those ASPCA commercials (damn you Sarah McLachlan), so I am sorry if I can’t suddenly look at Michael Vick as a nice redemption story. I think he is, was and always will be a psychopath. I just don’t think spending a year and a half in jail is going to teach anyone that something is morally wrong – you either already know that or you never will. It can teach you that it is a societal wrong but I don’t think it can teach you basic right and wrong. If you once thought it was perfectly normal to torture dogs, jail won’t change that.

As for Favre, the only torturing he has done is to the American public with his constant, pathetic, Kardashian-level need for attention. Thanks to his accomplices in the media we have all been subjected to more, unnecessary Favre coverage over the last several years than anyone of us would want over several lifetimes. We have all suffered through more teary eyed press conferences than anyone outside of the Werder household can even count. We’ve had “OJ-in-the-Bronco-esque” live coverage of him arriving in Minneapolis. We’ve seen text pictures of his junk and, more disturbingly, him fondling his junk while wearing Crocs. I mean Crocs? Seriously?

Amazingly, and for probably the first time in the history of this web-site, I am siding with Favre on this one. Lots of players have tried to maintain a faint grasp on to the spotlight far too long. Remember Jerry Rice with the Seahawks and his training camp with the Broncos? Emmitt Smith with the Cardinals? Jamie Moyer with Toronto, Seattle (the 2^nd time) and the Phillies?

Few athletes, accustomed to the adoration that swirled around Favre for over a decade would find it easy to walk away. Beside, Favre can’t be fully at blame. Would he be nearly as obnoxious and annoying if ESPN didn’t report breathlessly on everything he did or if announcers found no fault with him in anything? Favre didn’t force all of the media to speak of him like Dick Vitale talking about Duke basketball.

If you hadn’t heard ‘objective reporters and journalists’ say a negative thing about you in 10 years, wouldn’t you also start to believe you could do no wrong and are more important than the league you play in?

Vick on the other hand has no one else to blame. I don’t care if he is ‘redeemed’. No one will ever convince me that he has changed.

Sorry, Falcons. I know it is a little unfair to cheer against you because you once employed a psychopath that you have since tried to exorcise from your organization history like USC did Reggie Bush.

But, that’s how we roll here at the THH.

Go, Pack go.

The other day, I predicted the AFC Divisional playoffs and it was all about confidence. Well, after last night I am feeling even more confident.

The unlikable prepsters from Duke came into Tallahassee riding a 25-game winning streak. They may have left with their collars on their Polos still flipped up but also with their first loss. The 3^rd time in the last 10 years they have come to Tallahassee #1 and left in defeat.

Why? It isn’t like FSU basketball has been dominating (their offense, on its best day is more painful to watch than The Bachelor) especially in the early part of this decade. I think there are 2 reasons. First, FSU is the exact opposite of Duke – a team of tall, athletic players who ratchet up the defense. When your team is made up of un-athletic, small outside shooters your worst nightmare is an opponent of athletic, tall defenders.

The second is confidence. The legacy is set. FSU knows they can beat Duke. Dickie V. can do his best to lobby for the greatness of Duke all he wants but when they can’t make outside shots, they aren’t very good. They have 2-3 big men whose best comparable is probably Shawn Bradley. Or maybe Marcin Gortat. In other words, not so good.

Just remember that come March.

On to the NFC Divisional round.

Packers @ Falcons

(1^st Half: Pick’em, Full Game: Atlanta -2.5)

Last week, I compared the Packers/Eagles game to the FSU/VT national title game. It didn’t quite align but the outcome was the same, so let’s roll with it again.

In 2007, Boston College, somehow made it to a #2 national ranking. They played an extremely mediocre FSU team at home on a Saturday night and lost a close one. In the end, their senior starting quarterback (kid named Matt Ryan) couldn’t overcome the athletic Seminole defense and solid if not spectacular FSU offense. His 3^rd interception with a minute to play sealed the upset win for the Noles.

Not exactly Matty Ice.

I just don’t trust the Falcons. Despite a solid start to his career, I just can’t put Ryan on that elite level of QB that can gut out tough wins. Heck, with one drive to win a game at the end, I might take Mark Sanchez over Ryan at this point. Sanchez at quarterback is a little like the guy on Man vs. Food eating: it won’t be pretty, but he will get the job done.

Like Ryan, Michael Turner is a nice player who puts up good stats (when he stays healthy), but I just don’t see him taking over a playoff game. Remember, he was Tomlinson’s understudy in San Diego, so he learned from the best how to disappear in the playoffs. The Packers have already gone into a hostile stadium and shut down a talented offense. Little about the Falcons make me think it won’t happen again.

Given the excitement in Atlanta, I am sure the crowd will be loud and the Falcons will come out fired up. But they will also come out rusty. In their last three weeks, they lost at home to the Saints, beat a Panthers team that was reading Mel Kiper’s Big Board between plays and then had a week off. It has been a long time since the Falcons came out and played well against a quality team. I think the Packers defense shuts them down early and the Packers offense moves the ball but struggles to score. Falcons get a late score but the Packers own the lead at the break.

10-7 Packers at halftime.

In the second half, the Falcons find a rhythm but so do the Packers. Both teams score but a late Falcons turnover clinches it.

Packers 27, Falcons 24. Take the Packers at half and over the whole game.

Seahawks @ Bears

(1^st Half: Bears -6.5, Full Game: Bears -9.5)

Is there any team in the country with more confidence right now than the Seahawks? They have already won two playoff games (the game vs. St. Louis for the NFC West title was a playoff game) and beat the Bears in Chicago earlier this season.

Pete Carroll has this team really believing that they could go from a losing record to the Super Bowl. At this point, can you really blame them? Seattle beats Chicago, Green Bay beats Falcons and the Seahawks host the NFC title game in the toughest stadium in the country.

I can’t underestimate the job Carroll has done getting this team playing well in the last 3 weeks. He hasn’t had a team this confident since one of those Leinart/Bush USC teams. And it is more impressive in Seattle with the tougher limitations of a salary cap that he didn’t face as a Trojan.

But can they really go in and win a game at Soldier Field? I think so, because they have a secret weapon.

His name is Jay Cutler.

This is the first time since high school Cutler has quarterbacked in a post-season game. How will he do? Will he revert to the careless gunslinger that nearly set records with interceptions the past couple seasons, or continue to be this new player that showed up at the end of the season that doesn’t make bad throws, avoids sacks and dates Hollywood starlets.

Thankfully he still mopes around with a look on his face like Droopy the dog or I would be completely confused as to who this guy is.

In a game of confidence, I can’t take Cutler. Especially Cutler to win by ten. After watching him with the Broncos and his first season in Chicago, I have no confidence in him.

The Bears defense is their strength and should come out and stuff the Seahawks early. A jittery Bears offense should also struggle against a confident Seahawks defense early. Last week the Seahawks slowed a much more explosive Saints offense, so I would expect that the Bears offense to struggle early as well.

Each team may put together a scoring drive or two, but it remains close throughout.

Say 10-6, Bears at the half. Take the Seahawks and the points.

In the second half, I trust Pete Carroll to make more adjustments than Lovie Smith. Both teams put together a little more offense, but the Bears are a better team and are playing at home, so they pull out the close win. I don’t think they are capable of blowing out the Seahawks.

I would love to see the Seahawks win, but I think they come up just short.

Bears 27, Seahawks 24

Take the Seahawks and the points.

When you see Jay Cutler throw a Favre-ian interception in the fourth quarter, I am confident you will be glad you did.

The NFC is home to the most interesting match-up and least interesting match-up of the weekend. At least when it comes to the game. When it comes to gambling, both games are exceedingly interesting.

Ahh, the wonders of the point spread.

New Orleans Saints @ Seattle Seahawks

(1^st Half line: New Orleans -6.5, Full game: New Orleans -10)

I am afraid that I may be unable to bring my usual impartial analysis to this game. I have spent the week in Seattle and as I sat in traffic crossing Mercer Island I have had 3 days of local radio hosts finding ways in which the Seahawks can win this game. You can blame the Rams. The Seahawks so thoroughly dominated the Rams on Sunday night, a ray of sunshine has parted the gloomy Seattle winter. Suddenly, hope beckons like a barista with your non-fat latte. Beating the Saints isn’t a distant mirage, instead it is ever more tangible thing, like the ferry returning through the fog from Bainbridge Island.

Ok, enough with the Seattle specific analogies! We get it. Move on.

This game should be a blowout. The Seahawks lost to the Broncos (pre-messiah)! They got run off the field by the Saints earlier this year and in the last few weeks have gotten killed by the Forty-Niners and the Bucs. Their choice at quarterback is between an old, injured Matt Hasselbeck and unproven Charlie Whitehurst. The reigning Super Bowl MVP is bringing in the defending champs. And Brees was also Sportsman of the Year, so you can’t even say he brings some kind of “d-bag” karma like other teams (Paging Mr. Sanchez). This game should be over by halftime. In fact, it seems like a lot of fans around the country kind of hope the Seahawks just retire at halftime and save us all the time.

However.

With the loudest fans in the league; cool, wet weather and a Saints team traveling all the way across the country without 2 running backs (Chris Ivory and Pierre Thomas on IR), and a hobbled leading receiver, there is just enough to make one pause and wonder if maybe the Seahawks really can win this game. Their quarterback will either be a playoff-proven winner or a guy with the nickname ‘Clipboard Jesus’ – which is awesome – who just won a (pseudo) playoff game a week ago.

So, here is how it plays out in my mind:

The Saints come out and try to quiet the crazy Qwest field crowd by opening up the offense. Unable to keep up with the Saints receivers, the Seahawks give up a couple big plays and find themselves facing a big deficit until the defense tightens and Leon Washington (NOLE ALERT!) makes a big special teams play near the half.

14-7 Saints at the half (take the Saints and lay the points).

In the second half the Saints strike again but with no running game, they can’t keep the Seahawks off the field. The Seahawks, with Hasselbeck hurt and on the bench, are led for a late touchdown by Clipboard Jesus himself (did I mention how awesome that name is? Tebow has to be pissed he didn’t get that nickname before becoming starter) to close the lead but not enough for the win.

Final score: 28-20 Saints. (Take the Seahawks and the 10).

(In fact I think it has moved to 10.5 or 11 by now so this is as much a no-brainer as picking Halibut over Salmon. Or King Felix over Sabathia for the Cy Young. Ok, I’m really done now).

Green Bay Packers @ Philadelphia Eagles

(1^st Half: Philly -1, Full game: Philly -2.5)

Despite any discussion of Clay Matthews hair, Andy Reid’s stomach, Aaron Rodgers girlfriend or DeSean Jackson’s antics, this game comes down to one simple thing:

Do the football gods really allow Michael Vick to succeed in the playoffs?

He has single-handedly changed the Eagles into a power this year through his incredible talents, yet has taken an immense beating in the process. He is on my side of his 30^th birthday. Can he put the City of Brotherly Love on his back and win this game, or will his body fail him and ultimately put the city’s unconditional support in a rape stand?

(“In a rape stand”? “On a rape stand”? Vick would know these things but I don’t)

Can the unseen forces that require I not wear FSU gear during Seminole games or they lose also allow Vick to finally end Philly’s long football championship drought? Would it be ironically appropriate that a convicted dog fighter be the one to finally win a title for a fan base best known for throwing snow balls at Santa and batteries at opposing players or would it just be a sad statement on the priorities of our country?

I’m not sure, and based on these lines, Vegas isn’t sure either.

At every other position, the Packers have an advantage. But can anyone be sure that Vick won’t just come out and win this game by himself?

Of course we can’t but I don’t think he will.

This game reminds me a little of the FSU/VT national title game from 11 years ago. A solid offensive team and athletic defense on one side. A decent defense and Michael Vick on the other. Sure, Philly has more weapons on offense than that Tech team did but this Packer team has a stronger defense, so call it a wash.

I expect both teams to start strong, with offenses holding the advantage early. A couple early scores on both sides should keep it close while the defensive coordinators scramble to find an answer at halftime.

With the 1^st half spread too close to call, take the points : Packers +1 and hope for a 14-14 tie.

In the second half, the athletic Packers defense should both reign in Vick and also slowly wear him down. On the other side of the ball, I expect the Packer offense can keep the ball moving with Rodgers relying on a variety of receivers to find holes in the Eagles defense.

A Charles Woodson interception of Vick should end the game and the Packers not only cover but win the game outright.

Final score: Packers 28, Eagles 24.

The football gods are good. The football gods are just.