I am back today with my best suggestions as to who each NFC team should draft – whether they want to or not.

NFC East

Dallas Cowboys – Sitting in his War Room on Thursday, I imagine Jerry Jones will command his team to ‘go draft the best’. Afraid of their owner’s wrath, the Cowboys draft Jahvid Best despite a multitude of running backs on the roster. On the bright side, coming from northern California, Best should be able to help Jones expand his wine appreciation to some less popular labels.

New York Giants – After last season’s epic collapse of the Giants running game, there is a need to find some new blood for the Giants backfield. Dexter McCluster, the hybrid running back/receiver out of Ole Miss would finally give the Giants a playmaking threat. And it gives Eli Manning someone to reminisce with about all those crazy nights at the Ole Miss Alpha Delta Pi house out of earshot from the old ball and chain. Man, those AD Pi’s are WILD.  

Philadelphia Eagles – In the last year, the Eagles have jettisoned long time Safety Brian Dawkins, running back Brian Westbrook and quarterback Donovan McNabb. In steps Kevin Kolb at quarterback and LeSean McCoy at running back. Now, the Eagles can draft Eric Berry at Safety. There is no chance that Eagles fans could come up with bad names to call him with a last name like Berry. On the bright side, if that doesn’t motivate him to play well nothing will.

Washington Redskins – The Redskins just traded for a veteran QB that is occasionally shaky and prone to errors in big spots. If Shanahan’s handling of Jake Plummer in Denver is any indication, expect the Skins to draft a talented and arrogant quarterback with little history of winning in college. Coincidentally, that exact phrase is written on Jimmy Clausen’s business cards.

NFC North

Minnesota Vikings – Of course this time of year, there is one big question in Minnesota. Everyone needs to know when the team’s most important player will return. I for one am not worried about it. Joe Nathan’s replacement has done fine in the closer role for the Twins so far. As for that other guy. I would suggest drafting Jevan Snead out of Ole Miss as a potential ‘back-up plan’ but does any Viking fan really have the appetite for dealing with another quarterback out of Mississippi?

Green Bay Packers – In a year after Aaron Rodgers spent most of the snaps running for his life, the Packers need to get some more help on the offensive line. Mike Iupati, the guard out of Idaho is a perfect fit in more ways than one. He is a Samoan from the northwest rather than a redneck from the south, his name has too many vowels at the beginning of it rather than too many consonants at the end. He is the exact opposite of a certain player none too popular around Lambeau these days.

Detroit Lions – After addressing the offense over the last couple of drafts, the Lions need to start shoring up their defense. Gerald McCoy, the defensive tackle out of Oklahoma is a good fit. With a quarterback that couldn’t beat Florida in college and a wide receiver from a mediocre ACC team, it only makes sense to draft a defensive player that couldn’t beat Texas. Now the Lions may achieve their dream of being as good as a second rate college team. Quite a step up over the last few years for the Lions.

Chicago Bears – The Bears should trade up to draft Ndamukong Suh, to help fortify the defensive line with the release of Alex Brown and the inevitable Tommy Harris injury. Plus then Adewale Ogunleye won’t be the toughest pronunciation on the team. Oh wait, the Bears have no picks to trade up since acquiring Jay Cutler? Wow, that trade keeps paying big dividends, huh Bears fans?

NFC South

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – In his first year as head coach, Raheem Morris cleaned house of the veterans that made up one of the better defenses in the league. Now they are one of the worst. I don’t know who the Bucs could draft to improve them but I know one person they won’t draft: Myron Rolle. If Morris’s massive insecurity kept him from keeping Derrick Brooks on the roster, what are the odds he could handle Rhodes Scholar Rolle on his team?

Carolina Panthers – Taylor Mays, USC’s freaky athlete Safety, would be an immediate improvement for the Panthers secondary. And at 6’3”, 230 pounds, he is more than big enough to fend off any practice time attacks by Steve Smith.

Atlanta Falcons – Last year seemed to demonstrate that Michael Turner may have been a one-year wonder in Atlanta. Maybe it is time the Falcons look for another runner for Turner to split carries with. CJ Spiller is the best running back (and maybe athlete) in the draft. Plus coming from Clemson I am sure he is well acquainted with the Georgia Dome turf, home to the Chick Fil-A Peach Bowl where the 3^rd place ACC team annually plays.

New Orleans Saints – They may not need him, but really is there any other team that Tim Tebow should play for? They are named the Saints! During the next hurricane he can hold up the levies by himself.

NFC West

St. Louis Rams – Seeking to re-ignite the offense formerly known as the The Greatest Show on Turf, the Rams will draft Sam Bradford. Bradford is a natural fit after leading Bob Stoops record breaking offense at Oklahoma. As long as the Rams don’t play in a BCS Bowl, I have complete confidence in Sam being able to bring his collegiate success to the pros.

San Francisco Forty-Niners – Always seeking some talent to make their horrid quarterback situation look somewhat mediocre, the Forty-Niners recently traded for Ted Ginn Jr. The perfect player to complement Ginn would be Arrelious Benn out of Illinois. Like Ginn, Benn is an oft-injured, underperforming but speedy and talented wide receiver out of the Big Ten. See? Like they are twins separated at birth.

Seattle Seahawks – Brian Bulaga is the natural fit for the Seahawks. Not only could he potentially step in and address the massive gap left by Walter Jones’ retirement at left tackle but with a last name that sounds like a fish egg appetizer he would fit right at home in a town known best for throwing fish around.

Arizona Cardinals – the Cardinals are still looking for more help on the defensive side of the ball. This offseason they lost linebacker Carlos Dansby and Safety Antrell Rolle but picked up walking mouth Joey Porter and Rex Ryan regurgitation Kerry Rhodes. If the Cardinals draft USC defensive end Everson Griffen not only could he help fortify their defensive line but will also stand in as a hot tub buddy for Matt Leinart, a huge gap on the team currently. That is unless the Cardinals doubt Leinart’s starting ability and trade for Ben Roethlisberger. Big Ben and Leinart on the same team? The ladies of Arizona won’t know what him them. Literally.

Last year was a wonderland for New Orleans and Saints fans. After years of failure, disappointment and disaster, the beloved hometown black and gold shocked the football world. First they reeled off the best regular season record in the NFC, then they defeated the NFL Commissio…I mean…Brett Favre and the Vikings in the NFC title game and finally they not only won the Super Bowl but also reminded us all why, just a few years ago, we all thought Peyton Manning was just Dan Marino with better commercials.

If last year was a wonderland, this offseason must be starting to feel like a visit to Oz.

Unfortunately the Saints don’t have any ruby red slippers to click together that will get them back home.

We are still a month away from the draft and the defending champs are already looking like the collective group that set off down the yellow brick road all those years ago.

They still have their Dorothy – their leader that dropped in out of nowhere (Drew Brees) to save the day. Dorothy’s faithful sidekick Toto, that is more bark than bite (Reggie Bush) is still here and you can never say anyone that still lives and fights in New Orleans doesn’t have courage.

But like the Scarecrow and Tin Man, the Saints may now be without their brain and heart.

First, Scott Fujita (the brain), a defensive leader and the NFL player I most admire (since Warrick Dunn retired) signed with the Cleveland Browns. Maybe it is decidedly liberal politics in a conservative, me-first NFL, maybe it is him being the first free agent to sign with New Orleans after Katrina, maybe it is his being the white adoptee of asian parents, maybe it is his leadership of a Saints defense that went from punchline to difference maker. Whatever it is about him that I admire, Fujita’s move to Cleveland leaves a gaping hole in the Saints defense – both at linebacker and at leader.

He didn’t have flashy numbers or celebrate for 5 minutes after being the third one to pile on an already tackled back (<cough> Ray Lewis <cough>), but he led the defense, called the plays and made stops.

While Fujita’s involvement in Louisiana didn’t end with his moving from the bayou to the shores of Lake Erie, the Saints will be without him on the field for the first time in the Payton/Brees era.

While Fujita was the brain that led the Saints defense, Darren Sharper was the heart. Coming in as a free agent a year ago, the 14 year pro used his freaky ball hawking abilities (9 interceptions) and veteran leadership to  immediately turn a weakness of the Saints defense into a strength (both passing touchdowns allowed and interceptions went from mid-teens to top five rankings).

It seems fitting that the final nail in the coffin of the Super Bowl was an interception by one of the young defenders in the Saints secondary.

Sharper is again a free agent and has yet to sign with anyone. All indications are that he is open to returning to the Saints and that the Saints want him back.

Let me correct that – the Saints NEED him back.

Putting aside the strong playoff performance that led to the Super Bowl, this is a Saints team that gave up 30 points to the Redskins and 34 points to the Dolphins during the regular season. There may be talent on the Saints defense, but they are still young.

The Saints didn’t make a strong effort to re-sign Fujita because of other younger players that they see stepping into his place. But as the NFL has proven over and over again, you can replace someone’s position but you can’t replace a leader.

Look at what happened to the Bucs defense when soon-to-be-former Buc head coach Raheem Morris let Derrick Brooks go.

Look at the impact Brian Dawkins had on the Broncos secondary. A player deemed too old and dispensable by the Eagles came to Denver and immediately became the heart of a revamped defense.

Well, a defense that was revamped for 6 weeks.  

All of this makes it imperative that the Saints do whatever they can to make sure Sharper returns to the Super Dome next season.

The Saints defense has already lost their brainy leader. They can’t lose their emotional leader as well if they have any hopes of getting back to the Emerald City.

No matter what the Wizard behind the curtain says.

Last night, the focus of NBC’s Olympic coverage was Ice Dancing. I believe this is the first time I have ever suffered through this abomination some would call a sport. Basically, if you are lucky enough to be in the hospital or suffering from blinding cataracts and did not see it, ice dancing is like figure skating with all of the challenging athletic aspects removed. Do they have to complete jumps? Nope. Do they throw their partner? Nuh-uh.

To my untrained eye, the goal of ice-dancing is to pick a culture different from your own, boil it down to its simplest stereotypes and create a dance to some clichéd music from that culture while twirling and dancing around the ice. That is it. This is Dancing with the Stars, add ice, subtract the stars (though it could be argues Dancing with the Stars doesn’t really have stars either). Yet, someone will be an Olympic champion at this.

I know there has been a great controversy over a Russian couple’s use of an aboriginal theme. But how about the insult to all westerners by the French couple dancing to some duet of ‘Thank God I’m a Country Boy’ featuring Dolly Parton? Or the American duo’s Slumdog Dancing Queen number?

I guess, like good comedy, if someone isn’t insulted Ice Dancing wasn’t a success.

Anyway, suffering through this and NBC clubbing us over the head with the feigned suspense of hours old drama predictably featuring US Olympians winning makes we wish for a simpler time. You know, like last football season.

While it would be very easy to predict who will win most NBC primetime events as they have already occurred, it isn’t so easy in football. So, how did I do back in September making predictions on what would occur in the NFC?

NFC East

The popular pick these days is the Eagles. They fortified their offensive line, picked up another fragile skill player in Jeremy Maclin and locked down the support of the pro-Baby Seal Clubbing lobby with the signing of Michael Vick. On the negative side, they lost their defensive guru to cancer, signed yet another fragile skill player and ensured every McNabb interception will elicit “We want Vick” chants from the crowd. I call that a wash. On the other hand, the Giants were the best team in the game for much of last year; only falling apart after Plaxico took an old saying just a little too literally. With an entire offseason to adjust to a Plaxico-less world (including drafting Hakeem Nicks who has Burress’ athletic gifts but not his itchy trigger finger) and the return of Osi Umenyiora to their defense, I say the Giants return to their place atop the division. What about the Cowboys and Redskins, you ask? Well, they are both worth a lot. I guess that counts for something.

Winner: Giants (11-5)

Wild Card: Eagles (10-6)

Actual Winner: Cowboys (11-5)

Actual Wild Card: Eagles (11-5)

SD: Who would have thought this would be the year that the Cowboys learn how to win games in December? Who would have guessed that the emergence of some wide receiver with a name that sounds like a character on Gossip Girl would be the catalyst for the Cowboys? Who could have predicted that the Giants would fold after a fast start thanks to Eli Manning not being very good, no running game and a porous defense? OK, when I see it written down it seems a little more obvious. But at least the Eagles were predictably above-average but not great. In fact, shouldn’t that be McNabb and Reid’s tombstone someday: Here lies Donovan McNabb: Predictably Good but Never Great.

2010 Projection: Do the Cowboys keep it up another year? Does Mike Shanahan coaching the Redskins have an impact on this division? Will the Eagles get over the hump? Will the Giants regain their Super Bowl winning form? Will I stop asking so many rhetorical questions? The answers to all of these is No. But the Cowboys have the highest upside and as proven this year Tony Romo and Wade Phillips are perfectly adequate in non-big games. Let’s assume knocking around 3 mediocre teams all season, won’t require Tony to win a big game until the playoffs.

2010 Winner: Cowboys

NFC North

Probably the most interesting yet simultaneously least likable division in football, the Tom Cruise division if you will. With Old Man Winter unretiring yet again for a 2009 Spite World Tour and coming back to the Vikings and the acquisition of Cry-Baby Jay in Chicago, there are now 3 teams with legitimate plans to win this division (sorry Lions – win one game and then we’ll talk). As I have discussed I just do not believe Favre makes the Vikings better. Combining his appearance changing the Viking’s offensive personality with the probability he will get hurt at some point and I see the Vikings underachieving. As far as Cutler is concerned  – I just don’t get it. It is pretty much universally agreed that no one likes Jay Cutler. Yet, despite never being a winner (I mean never, he last won the same year Matt Cassell last started) and being hated by everyone including his own parents (that’s conjecture on my part), he is going to be the galvanizing force that propels the Bears to the Super Bowl? Really? That’s not the Jay I know. The Jay I know will whine, complain and point fingers the moment something goes wrong. The self-destructions in both Minnesota and Chicago will leave Green Bay as the clear cut champions. With a strong, reliable leader at quarterback, a revamped defense and good receivers all the Packers need to do is re-discover their running game. No pressure Ryan Grant.

Winner: Packers (11-5)

Wild Card: None

Actual Winner: Vikings (12-4)

Actual Wild Card: Packers (11-5)

SD: I pretty much nailed the Packers (toot, toot!) but the Favre experiment in Minnesota went much better than I expected. I still stand by their fatal flaw being how Favre’s appearance changed the offensive identity of this team but I did not expect Favre’s presence to turn Sidney Rice and Visanthe Shiancoe into Jerry Rice and Brent Jones. And that seems so obvious in retrospect. Thankfully, the old Brett re-emerged just in time to end the Vikings season, break Vikings fans hearts and keep me from eating crow for an entire off-season.

2010 Projection: Let’s be clear. Brett Favre is not retiring. He just isn’t. I don’t care what he says. With that said, does the 2009 Brett Favre show up to Vikings camp several weeks after the rest of the team, or does an older version of the 2008 Favre show up to Vikings camp several weeks after the rest of the team? Call me the eternal pessimist but if a guy averages 17 INTs across a career and one season throws 5, that is an aberration not a trend. If the Packers go get some offensive linemen this offseason, that should put them over the top.

2010 Winner: Packers

NFC South

In the merry-go-round that is the NFC South each year brings a new surprise team. Last year the Falcons were the out-of-nowhere team that rose from the ashes and made the playoffs. This year I think it will be the Saints. Much like a plane crash survivor always trembles at the least turbulence, I just can’t forget the horrific display put on by Jake Delhomme in the playoffs last year. Despite a great defense and great running game, Jake’s presence single-handedly ends any consideration I might make for the Panthers. Yes, his performance last January was that bad. Remember how your feelings about U2 changed after the Zooropa tour? That is me and Jake right now. The Bucs are in what could charitably be described as re-building mode. I tend to think of it more as self-destruction mode what with choosing to start Byron Leftwich and Cadillac Williams behind a shaky offensive line – no injury concerns there. The Falcons should be as good as last year. Unfortunately they play a significantly tougher schedule and have higher expectations so being as good won’t be good enough. That leaves the Saints. A team that has been the ‘IT’ team more often over the last five years than Reggie Bush has been identified as a potential fantasy sleeper. It is only fitting, now that everyone has given up on Reggie ever being anything more than Kim Kardashian’s purse holder that the Saints finally live up to their hype.

Winner: Saints (10-6)

Wild Card: Falcons (9-7)

Actual Winner: Saints (13-3)

Actual Wild Card: None

SD: I finally get the Steve Young memorial monkey off my back, with a correct call. For the record, the Falcons went 9-7 this year but didn’t qualify for the Wild Card. Jake Delhomme picked up right where he left off and the Bus were a joke. So I pretty much nailed this one. Though, I did miss on Reggie Bush – he is still pretty much best known as Kim’s purse holder, but hey 4 out of 5 ain’t bad.

2010 Projection: the Saints have a lot of players to re-sign this spring and surprise Super Bowl winners tend to go one of two ways in the year after: they come back with confidence overflowing and play like champions or they come back content and play like the Steelers. If they can get the core of their team back, the Saints have so little competition here they should be able to repeat, unlike every NFC South winner this decade.

2010 Winner: Saints

NFC West

Remarkably, the NFC West is the home of our defending NFC champions. Its’ true – you can look it up. Even stranger, that team is named the Cardinals! So, naturally they are the favorites again this year, right? Sorry, desert dwellers I am not buying it. Losing both coordinators and relying on stubble-ific, god-fearing grandpappy Kurt Warner makes me think the 8-8 regular season is more emblematic of your team than the unbelievable ‘Cardanuary’ performance turned in by Larry Fitzgerald. Maybe my year in the Emerald City has caused me to drink the latte about the Seahawks but I think they are the winners of the NFC West. They have finally found a receiver and their already strong defense got better with the arrival of Aaron Curry. As long as Hasselbeck can stay healthy and they find some semblance of a running game, I think the Seahawks have enough to win this division. This is the point where I make a joke about the Forty-Niners and Rams. Unfortunately there is nothing funny about what has happened to these two teams in the last 5 years.

Winner: Seahawks (10-6)

Wild Card: None

Actual Winner: Cardinals (10-6)

Wild Card: None

SD: My picking of the Seahawks is starting to border on a “Chris Berman picking a 49er/Bills Super Bowl” level of idiocy. Every year I talk myself into them. Then Matt Hasselbeck plays the first game looking like Abe Simpson, their running game disappears and I question my own sanity. The Cardinals defied the odds and showed that the previous playoff run wasn’t a complete fluke by dominating the NFC West again. Though that is like saying Memphis dominates Conference-USA in basketball.

2010 Projection: Matt Leinart leads the Cardinals to another NFC West title. Ok, I just wanted to see it in print and, yep, it looks ridiculous. Of course writing the Forty-Niners, Seahawks or Rams are going to be division winners looks just as dumb. Could an off-season that includes a movie called ‘Hot Tub Time Machine’ actually be an omen that football’s most famous hot tub user will return to his collegiate form?

2010 Winner: Cardinals

Playoffs

Wildcard:

Eagles @ Saints: Much like the Suns of the mid-nineties in the NBA, the Saints demonstrate that a high-flying offense alone isn’t enough to win in the playoffs. TV commentators across the country rejoice in being able to recycle the age-old cliché that ‘defense wins championships’ as high quality analysis.

Falcons @ Seahawks: The inaugural Jim Mora Bowl. Do you trust a southern Dome team to win in Seattle in January? Me neither.

Divisional Playoffs:

Seahawks @ Giants: Two years ago, I never would have imagined that I would take Eli over Hasselbeck in a playoff game. Like ripples from a drop of water, the repercussions from that Super Bowl upset of the Patriots just won’t end.

Eagles @ Packers: Unlike the Saints, the Packers have a little defense to help their high-scoring offense. Therefore, unlike the Saints, the Eagles won’t beat the Packers.

NFC Championship:

Packers @ Giants: Apparently I am feeling very 2007 – as we have a re-match of the NFC Championship game. I tried to warn you that I discounted everything that happened last year. The final proof that I am feeling so 2007? No, not that I will be watching Heroes every week. Instead, I come up with a Super Bowl re-match.

NFC Champion: New York Giants

Actual NFC Champion: New Orleans Saints

SD: So the Saints had a little more defense and running game than I give them credit for and the Giants had significantly less. Rather than actually doing research, I just like to use each team’s stereotypes to predict them. Maybe I shouldn’t be so critical of Ice Dancing after all.

2010 Projection: The NFC seems wide open going into next season. We have the Favre factor – does he come back and is he the good, the bad or the ugly? The Saints, year after effect. The Cardinals with Matt Leinart taking over for Kurt Warner. The Cowboys still have Wade Phillips and Tony Romo. Which team could step up? Is there another team out there that could come out of nowhere and dominate? Who knows. The draft and free-agency season should help clarify things. But for a team with the least number of questions, right now there is one clear answer.

2010 NFC Winner: Packers

We should have known that the defense would make the game-sealing play in Super Bowl XLIV.

When everything leading up to that point in the game had been the opposite of what we had expected, it was only fitting that with the game on the line, an unheralded defensive back from the Saints would make a play.

Just think about some of the things we saw in this game:

- The Colts having a more impressive running game than the Saints

- Queen Latifah going with the understated jeans look for singing God Bless America

- The Saints using a controlled short passing game to move up and down the field at will on the Colts defense

- Jay Leno appearing in an ad for the Late Show with David Letterman

- The Saints, rather than the Colts, making adjustments at halftime to change the course of the game

- Only one shot of the Manning family suite

- The old veteran kicker from the Colts missing while the young kicker from the Saints went 3 for 3

- Back to back ads featuring guys not wearing pants.

- An on-side kick outside of the final two minutes that was successful

How many of these things would you have been willing to bet on before the game? Any of them?

Yet, we saw them all and to me that is what defined this Super Bowl. Everything was the opposite of what we expected coming in

Everyone rushes to put Super Bowls in their historic context immediately after the confetti lands on the Lombardi trophy, but this year is going to be tough. Where does this fall?

After the last two years in which the game could be instantly classified (Giants over Pats: biggest upset in Super Bowl history; Steelers over Cardinals: top-five entertaining game) this year isn’t as easily categorizable (I don’t think that is a word either but you know what I mean).

Maybe above and beyond this game putting a light smudge on Peyton Manning’s incredible career (would Joe Montana or John Elway have ever thrown an interception on the final game winning drive in a Super Bowl?), maybe it is also the early warning sign of a shift in the tectonic plates of NFL power.

Historically, we may look back on Super Bowl XLIV as the bowl in which momentum shifted back to the NFC. After a decade of dominance in which the best teams and quarterbacks all played in the AFC, maybe this game shows that the power of in the game is going back to the NFC where it sat for all of the 80’s and most of the 90’s.

Two times in three years, the most heralded team in football, teams seriously contemplating completing a perfect season, led by a quarterback being compared against the greatest of all time brought their teams into the Super Bowl and lost to an underdog. And as you look across the NFC, there are a number of real contenders, while in the AFC we are beginning to see the relics of three potential dynasties that haven’t been able to re-load as they have lost talent and aged.

The Saints are a young team and as they continue to strengthen their defense are built for continued success. The Cowboys might have gotten over a major mental block this year. The Vikings’ only deficiencies sit in their Head Coach office and their reliance on a 40-year old quarterback incapable of making a decision in the off-season and in-capable of not making the big mistake in the big games. The Cardinals could pick up right where they left off with Leinart replacing Warner.

We have all been brainwashed to believe AFC teams are superior to NFC. Maybe the lesson of this Super Bowl is that we can no longer do that. The Saints proved that starting with that supposition is completely wrong.

Unlike all of those announcers on TV who are never held to account for their picks being wrong, I will take this opportunity to point out how wrong I was. I was exactly 180 degrees wrong to be precise.

I picked a final score of 31-17 last week.

I just picked the Colts to be the team scoring 31.

However, being proven completely wrong doesn’t change how happy I am that the Saints won. After the 5 year struggle to re-emerge from the devastation of Katrina, no town, state or region has ever been more deserving of a three week celebration than New Orleans and the entire gulf coast.

In fact I can honestly say that I have never been happier or cheered harder for a team not named the Broncos to win the Super Bowl. I know I am not alone in that there are a lot of us around the country that cheered like a bayou local last night and when Tracy Porter returned that interception for the game-sealing touchdown let out a yelp heard all the way down on St. Charles Street.

Who would have thought that the Saints could one day be the most unifying Super Bowl champion the country has ever seen.

Bizarro indeed.

When I was growing up one of my favorite movies was Clue. I was always a detective geek and the classic locked mansion murder mystery was my Star Trek. The first time we rented the videotape (kids, ask your parents), I remember seeing the three alternate endings and wondering if we rented a different copy would there be three other endings. Like a movie Choose-Your-Own-Adventure (kids, you may need to go to your grandparents for that one) each tape would bring different possible resolutions.

While the movie made each scenario as possible as the last, the final one was introduced with the placard “now, here is what really happened” and of course found a way to incriminate the entire cast – like a modern day Murder on the Orient Express (kids…umm… maybe grandparents again? If you have great-grandparents you can try them).

Anyway, in honor of Clue, I have decided to not just provide one preview of the Super Bowl but three separate previews with the final one being what will really happen. Almost like I am getting ready for my March Madness brackets a month early.

Scenario #1: The Saints are exposed as frauds and are steamrolled by the Colts machine. The Saints showed serious deficiencies toward the end of the season losing at home to the Bucs (seriously, the Bucs!) and have the 20^th ranked defense. If the wide receivers can’t get open or Brees doesn’t have time to wait for them, then the Colts could do what they do and we could be looking at a 21-3 halftime that puts everyone to sleep even before The Who come on. The Who will also be struggling to stay awake but that is mostly because halftime comes about 2 hours after their own bedtimes.

Scenario #2: The lack of running game finally catches up with the Colts. Has a Super Bowl champion ever had the worst running game in the league? Let’s say the Saints clamp down on Reggie Wayne and Dallas Clark and the already jittery young, unproven Colts wide receivers can’t get open for Peyton. The lack of running game could leave the Colts machine stuck in neutral. The Saints pop one or two big plays and their running game grinds out the clock.

Those are both perfectly acceptable possibilities for what could occur. But here is what will really happen.

The first half will inevitably be choppy as nerves impact the ability to make plays and both teams feel each other out like boxers in the early rounds of a championship fight (at least they did the last time I watched a fight which was probably back when Peyton Manning was still losing to Florida every fall).

The Colts won’t be able to run and will settle into an approach of short passes, probing and prodding the Saints defense. The Saints will have some success running the ball but won’t be able to sustain long drives as their big plays get shut down by the Colts secondary. A couple field goals in the first quarter and maybe one touchdown for each team in the second quarter, as Peyton finally finds a weakness and exploits it while the Saints finally get a big play out of their stable of playmakers. 13-10 Colts at the half.

Barring Reggie Bush taking over the game like he did against the Cardinals, the Saints just won’t be able to cobble together enough offense to offset the machine that is the Colts. As the second half wears on, the Colts are able to slowly grind down the Saints offense and slowly pull away, one long touchdown drive at a time. Final score: 31 – 17 Colts.

My logical side wants to talk about how the Saints will win due to the lack of running game for the Colts and their big-play ability but there is just one factor I can’t get over. A factor that is “six-five, 230-pound quarterbacks with a… laser rocket arm”. As I said the other day, this all comes down to the quarterbacks and right now Peyton is playing as close to perfect football as we have seen since the old Forty-Niner juggernauts.

I really wish I could come up with some unique spin on the game that all the experts are missing so I can call them all idiots (and for once be justified in my name calling). But I can’t.

Much like Jim Nantz owns CBS. Peyton owns the NFL right now. We are all just pawns in their chess game for global domination.

It is Super Bowl Sunday afternoon. You are standing in your buddy’s kitchen popping a Cheeto in your mouth when someone hands you a beer and asks you ‘so who are you cheering for today?’ You stutter and stammer pretending to be blinded by the sun gleaming off the snow in the back yard outside the window but in reality you don’t have an answer. Your team isn’t playing. Your team isn’t a rival of either team playing. Frankly, you have a stronger opinion on the Puppy Bowl over on Animal Planet (you are a beagle guy). You mumble a couple times and then throw out the first team that comes to mind.

For the remainder of the game you are associated with that team – you are congratulated when they do well and mocked when they do poorly. All for what was essentially the result of a mental coin-flip.

You don’t want to be that guy. You need to go into this game having made a clear decision as to which team you are backing. But again, you don’t want to rush into that decision rashly. Don’t pick the Saints because you like their uniforms. Don’t cheer on the Colts because you had Reggie Wayne on your fantasy team.

You can’t rely on just one factor for deciding who you will cheer and boo at your Super Bowl party this weekend. This is too big of a decision to make simply on the food of one city or where you think The Pelican Brief sits in Julia Roberts’s film canon. The game needs to be analyzed from every possible angle before landing on a team.

Fear not, the THH is here for you. For our third annual Super Bowl Extravaganza, we have identified 16 different criteria that we have used and you can use as well to determine who you will cheer on between trips to the seven-layer dip in the kitchen.

While we encourage everyone to play along at home, remember that we are trained professionals. We have toiled away for week after week all season just to be prepared for this one game. If you just jump right in to such a massive undertaking without the proper warm-up you are just begging for an injury. Watching the game with a pulled muscle is even less fun than accidentally cheering for the wrong team. Unless you get some of those awesome pain killers. Than you can pop one of those, drink a beer and watch it like Brett Favre does.

Anyway, without further babbling, on to our 16 decision points. Why 16? Well, because there is a certain former #8 that played for the Saints that wishes there were two of him right now.

Just in case, one of us comes up with a tie after regulation, we have invoked our own special overtime rules: one question sudden death.

Turner: The Super Bowl – it seems like such a distant thought last August as we embarked on another football season.  With such little expectations of our Broncos, we got a bit over excited and then reality set in.  My Niners are perfecting the Houston Texans role of the NFC where they will probably be getting to 7 or 8 wins for the next 10 years but will never be able to either 1) be in a position to draft Alex Smith or 2) be drafting late in the 1^st Round – being in the middle just sucks.  We learned that if you have a Turner as your coach, you will choke; if your coach is really fat, you will win; and if your coach is young, you will lose all your good players and replace them with aging Patriots (and coaches).  Karma set in for Brett Favre and for all of those who jumped on the Tony Romo bandwagon.  I can say it is much easier to just end the season early then sit through what the poor Viking fans had to endure but the good part about that is that instead of listening to Brett Favre love, we get to focus on shots of the parties occurring on South Beach, talk about an upgrade. 

If I were in Vegas, I’d jump on the Bill Simmons bandwagon of taking the Saints Money-line plus the Over.  I’d be putting $100 on that with enough winnings to cover The Shadow’s drinking problem for a month.  But sadly, we won’t be in Vegas but instead infiltrating the home of the Shadow’s father-in-law.  Preceded by taking SuperDave’s money in poker, we’ll then be buying little squares to get rich and eating little square brownies.  My only hope is the Shadow comes through with the BBQ Little Weenies with queso (Velveeta preferred).  If that happens, then it might be one of the most perfect days of my life.

Before we get into the picking, I must say I’m very proud of my 5 year old son.  He got a Colts hat this summer when we were in Indy (I made him use his allowance), he has been wearing it all week and has had to endure mocking at the hands of over-zealous Denver sports fans.  At one point someone said “Good to see you have him joining the bandwagon at an early age”, the moment I was proud of was he retorted (not knowing what the hell the meaning of ‘joining the bandwagon’ was).  “I like the Colts, they are the best and the Broncos can’t beat anyone”.  No normally, I’m not up for putting down the Broncos but to hear the passion coming out of a 5 year old as he is adopting his first team brought a little tear to my eye.  If only it wasn’t the Colts….

Shadow: Wow.  We are just 5 days away from the end of another NFL season <brushes away small tear from corner of eye>.  It seems like just yesterday your THH braintrust was sitting in a subpar sports bar in Lone Tree, Colorado watching the Broncos versus Cutler in the preseason……sitting in the South Stands and watching the Broncos finish off the Patsies in OT…… in Mandalay Bay getting super teased out of about $200 on can’t miss college games, then turning around and getting abused by both the Washington Redskins and a certain 4th and 2 call the next day.  It has been quite a ride this year.  

 As strange as it sounds, since it happens in February,  I consider the Super Bowl to be the end of the sports year, and what a year it has been for teams of the Shadow.  Iowa finally breaks through in a BCS bowl game and finishes ranked in the Top 10 (even though I have to suffer through a fall Saturday in Lincoln watching Iowa and OU both fall).  The Yankees won their one billionth championship (or spent their one billionth payroll dollar), and I get to see my fave Yankee core (Jeter, Posada, Pettite, Mo) celebrate one more time.  And even the Broncos outperformed my meager expectations for them….athough as detailed in past posts, they managed to underachieve at the exact same time…..weird.  When the hometown team missed the playoffs, I firmly set my rooting interests on the Saints, and if pressed, probably would have said I was pulling for the Jets in the AFC, although, truthfully, I coudn’t garner much love for any of the AFC entrants.  So, at least the Saints have worked out.  Now we await a clash of offensively explosive and defensively suspect juggernauts.  And luckily we have Super Dave to martial up a handy dandy THH checklist for us to determine who’s flag I will waive on Sunday, after I have relieved Turner and SD of some of their hard-earned money in our pre-kickoff Texas Hold Em tournament.

Hometown Division

1- Hometown you would rather visit: Indianapolis vs. New Orleans

SD: Starting with a softball are we? This question is more one-sided than the Forty-Niners/ Broncos Super Bowl. Ironically, played in New Orleans. So maybe I wouldn’t have wanted to be in New Orleans that day but for every day since I would take N’Awlins. (Colts 0 / Saints 1)

Turner: Interesting contract in the visitation rules on this one.  Having been to both in the last few years, a stark contrast in options and things to do. I believe this might have a lot to do with the stage of life you are in.  5 years ago, N.O. this would be a no brainer, drunken debauchery, showing my breasts and putting 8 guys in a hotel room b/c you are never there might have been the choice; but now that the family is with me (and I took them to Indy last summer), what is better than a good ol’ Midwestern trip.  Visiting the Indy Raceway, the best Children’s museum in the nation, the NCAA headquarters, and the site of the Hoosiers finale; seriously people, is there a contest?………Please, please, please take me to New Orleans.. (Colts 0 / Saints 1)

Shadow: When I still had associates reporting to me from the now-defunct Indy office, they described the city as being too hot and rainy in the summer and too snowy and cold in the winter, and not much else to write home about in between.  You have the most famous American car race versus Mardi Gras.  Sorry, we can stop there.  Any town where there is a chance I can throw cheap beads and see boobs wins.  Wins every time.  Easily.   Score:  Colts 0, Saints 1

2- Signature hometown Local Game Watching Snack: Breaded Pork Tenderloin Sandwich vs. Gumbo

SD: I haven’t had a breaded pork tenderloin sandwich but looking at pictures it looks an awful lot like the Schnitzel sandwich I had at Oktoberfest last fall which after drinking for 56 hours was the greatest thing I had ever tasted. Would it be as good after drinking for less than 56 hours? Hard to tell. Gumbo on the other hand is one of my all-time foods. And I have eaten it sober. (Colts 0 / Saints 2)

Turner: Never been a fan of the pork tenderloin sandwich, bad experience a time or two; but give me a bowl of spicy gumbo (or red beans and rice – inserting my own Local game watching food) any day and I’m happy (Note to the Shadow, I believe having Gumbo and/or Red Beans and Rice and/or Etoufee would be a major upgrade for our SB Watching party, hint, hint — or little smokies and Velveeta). (Colts 0 / Saints 2)

Shadow: I love some good gumbo.  Andouille Sausage, red beans, rice, just the right amount of spice to almost make you cry but not so much that you aren’t enjoying every minute of it.  But.  I am an Iowa boy, and am required to be partial to that classic midwestern meal, the breaded pork tenderloin.  Throw in a side of waffe fries and some good pickles, and sorry, but the gumbo takes a back seat. Score:  Colts 1, Saints 1

3 – Better Today Show Host: Jane Pauley (Indy native) vs. Bryant Gumbel (New Orleans native)

SD: Pauley went on to host Dateline which airs on NBC as frequently as Jay Leno. Strangely, it is also as funny as Jay Leno. Gumbel went on to Real Sports on HBO and more importantly was featured in the fictitious TV Show Gumbel to Gumbel on Family Guy. Family Guy is funny but it is no To Catch a Predator. (Colts 1 / Saints 2)

Turner: Jane Pauley’s voice has always annoyed me.  She wasn’t ever hot enough to just watch for watching’s sake and yet, I think she is 100 times better then Bryant Gumbel.  I don’t know why I have a dislike for him but I actually dread watching him as much as Gary Danielson call a Tim Tebow game. (although the fact that is name is so close to Gumbo makes him almost win this one) (Colts 1 / Saints 2)

Shadow: Wow, nice job restricting this to the Today Show.  If I was allowed to bring Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel into play, this wouldn’t have even been a contest.  But only basing this on their Today show tenures, let’s face it…..after Pauley was forced out as co-host ratings plummeted.  Gumbel just never comes off as genuine to me, and that is a problem.  I am going to have to go with Jane Pauley here.  Score:  Colts 2, Saints 1

Team Divison

4 – Mascot: Colts vs. Saints

SD: I hate generic nicknames that could move to different location (from Baltimore to Indianapolis for example) and apply just as well. Saints leaving New Orleans would be blasphemous. That is like naming a basketball team in the whitest state in America ‘the Jazz’ (Colts 1 / Saints 3)

Turner: I’ve always love the Saints playing in N.O. Seems just so wrong, sort of like having the Virgins playing in Las Vegas, yet the Gold and Black are great.  Not exactly sure where Colts came from but just can’t hang with the Saints, don’t really care about the story. (Colts 1 / Saints 3)

Shadow: A team named the Colts that have a blue Horse type thing as their mascot.  Okay, I can see it, makes sense.  A team named the Saints in the deep south that have a Saint Bernard named Gumbo.  WTF?  Of all the directions they could have gone, they go with a dog who really only makes sense on a high alpine pass rescuing skiers, or in the owner’s box at Riverfront Stadium circa 1990.  Kind of inexcusable.  Colts may have a run of the mill mascot, but at least it makes sense.  Score:  Colts 3, Saints 1

5 – Quarterback’s Alma Mater: Tennessee vs. Purdue

SD: I guess on this one I sort of decided the other day when I said “Manning chose Tennessee which lost to Florida every year he was there, has a mascot that has nothing to do with their team nickname and has hideous orange colors. Probably the worst decision Peyton has made in his life not involving the phrase ‘on stage singing with Kenny Chesney’.” To go back and pick the southern school that lives and breathes for football would make me a flip flopper which I am not since I don’t have a political constituency to worry about offending by actually having a backbone. (Colts 1 / Saints 4)

Turner: Have to go with old Rocky Top on this one. I respect Purdue for running the crazy offense and winning at an engineering school but it just lacks the tradition to compete.  The checkered end-zone and remembering watching Peyton lead the band in Rocky Top is great for college football. (Colts 2 / Saints 3)

Shadow: Big 10 love, no doubt.  Score:  Colts 3, Saints 2

6 – Better Helmet logo: Horsehoe vs. Fleur De Lis

SD: Robert Langdon tried to make the Fleur De Lis a sinister symbol of a shady organization set on destroying the church. He must have gotten it confused with this. Regardless, that is a cooler decal than a horseshoe. (Colts 1 / Saints 5)

Turner: See Question 4: the only thing that Colts helmet has is that it goes way back but it is just plain boring, like the rest of their uniforms.  Any team that has a logo made up of three words automatically wins (Colts 2 / Saints 4)

Shadow: This isn’t hockey.  I can appreciate a city wanting to pay tribute to their history, like all those pirates that invaded Tampa Bay, or the abundance of Bengal tigers in the wilds of Ohio…but when what you are celebrating is French, and is actually a representation of a flower, it doesn’t really intimidate.  Give me that faithful good luck charm, the horseshoe.  Score:  Colts 4, Saints 2

7 – Worse Team: 1991 Colts (1-15) vs. 1980 Saints (1-15)

SD: Interesting to look back at both of these teams and see names that make you think ‘hey, he was good. How did they only win one game?’ Eric Dickerson and Archie Manning were on these teams. Of course Eric had to play with perennial underachiever Jay Cut…I mean Jeff George and the only other names I recognize on the Saints is Chuck Muncie and Wes Chandler who won’t be confused for a team with Roger Craig and Jerry Rice. The Saints big deficit was on defense (ranked last practically across the board) while the Colts team brought a more well-rounded suckitude. For really epitomizing the team concept I will go with the Colts (Colts 2 / Saints 5)

Turner: It has to be the Saints… I say this mostly not b/c of their horrid ability but b/c until this year they were not really able to turn it around.  At least the Colts got out of their depression and have turned into a semi-AFC-dynasty (except for beating San Diego) in the past decade where the Saints have essentially gone 30 years of nothingness. (Colts 2 / Saints 5)

Shadow: The 1991 Colts scored 143 points.  For the whole season.  16 games.  That is monumentally pathetic.  The 1980 Saints doubled that, and gave rise to the “Aints” and the paper bags.  Based on that, the 1991 Colts are the worst.  Score:  Colts 5, Saints 2

8 – Coach’s clothing: Long Sleeve Tee under short sleeved polo vs. Visor

SD: My affection for the visor is well-documented. It is the only bridge on which I could relate to Steve Spurrier even at the height of the UF/FSU Cold War in the late 90’s. The visor served the same function as the Olympics for the real cold war. The one thing I could put aside my differences with Steve and agree about. (Colts 2 / Saints 6)

Turner: This is like giving Peyton Manning at +800 to win the Superbowl MVP.  It is that much of a no-brainer bet.  The longsleeve tee uder the polo (especially when inside) versus the stylish visor, seriously??  This goes back to my SuperDave picture he sent when he wore his visor and pulled the Gruden.  Only cool people with the right kind of hair can pull off the Visor and Superdave and Sean Payton are two of them.  I wish the Shadow and I could be so cool (to be fair, I’ve never seen the shadow in a visor but I don’t think it would work, he doesn’t have the right facial tone or hair for it) (Colts 2 / Saints 6)

Shadow: I tend to really hate shirts under shirts, especially as in this pic where it is even the same color……but I also think visor’s are really only appropriate if you are going golfing, or you are Steve Spurrier.  Such a toss up here.  I am going to have to go with the visor as the lesser fashion evil here, but let’s be honest, I am really in no position to be passing judgement on fashion of any kind.  Score:  Colts 5, Saints 3

9 – Less intimidating name: Pierre Garcon vs. Devery Henderson

SD: I don’t know what a Devery is but no matter what it is it must be tougher than a guy that sounds like a French Maitre D. (Colts 3 / Saints 6)

Turner: – 200 points to SuperDave for note finding the proper ‘c’ in Garcon.  If he could have found the little squiggly thing under the C to make it authentic, I then would have realized that he spent as much time preparing this post as I am responding to it. His lack of quality continues to struggle this year.  As for Pierre vs. Devery, I think I’d be more intimidated by Devery b/c I’d spend 20 minutes asking the guy, “what is really your name, Every? Avery?, Devery, huh??” versus Pierre.  That is sort of like Ollie in my book, those are the guys I use to think I could beat up (knowing I really can’t or haven’t ever been able to beat anyone up)  (note – important stat from the SportsGuy this week, the odds of 2 people playing an NFL game named Pierre (Garcon and Thomas) is like 125 million to 1.  Pretty amazing stuff) (Colts 3 / Saints 6)

Shadow: Pierre is a French name.  Enough said.  Nothing is less intimidating than the French.  Seriously.  Napoleon conquered much of Europe, but if you met him in an alley would you be intimidated?  I didn’t think so.  Score:  Colts 6, Saints 3

Law And Order Division

10 – Weirder legal story paralleling a Judd Apatow movie : Marvin Harrison killing a guy like Brick Tamland vs. Saints players going full-frontal like Peter Bretter

SD: I don’t know anything about the two Saints that decided to let a couple ladies get up close and personal with their Dirk Digglers so I can’t really judge how weird it is. Marvin Harrison we all thought we knew – or at least knew enough to think there wasn’t anything interesting to know. Ya know? (Colts 4 / Saints 6)

Turner: Has to be Marvin.  How is he even strong enough to pick up a gun.  This one completely amazes me beyond belief.  This actually was the last THH category I worked on so the Saints have already wrapped it up so I have it to the Colts b/c an 11-5 football score just really doesn’t work.  Besides – is there really a problem with “New Orleans is certainly a wild and wacky place, but that doesn’t mean you can go around waving your junk at women in public willy-nilly”  I don’t find this practice wrong at all in N.O.  In fact I would say if it isn’t happening then it isn’t a party (not that I want to see it) but this is America and I believe in equal rights for men and women to freely display themselves on  Bourbon Street however they please, it is not like anyone is going to remember it the next morning. (Colts 4 / Saints 6)

Shadow: Marvin Harrison killed a guy with a trident?  Seriously, though, he is the last person I would ever expect to be caught up in a murder plot.  Plus, who hasn’t peed in a parking lot at one time or another…that isn’t weird at all.  Score:  Colts 7, Saints 3

11 – More likely to get arrested before game: Anyone on the Colts vs. Jeremy Shockey

SD: Marvin Harrison seemed like the most boring, quiet guy in the entire NFL and he may have killed a guy. There is a lesson there. You know there must be another closet crazy in the Colts locker room. My money is on Austin Collie. (Colts 5 / Saints 6)

Turner: Shockey – hands down.  Would have gone with a potential Vanderjadt arrest but he has been replaced by a 42 year old kicker (Colts 4 / Saints 7)

Shadow:  Seeing as how the Colts have been there before, I just see them following the lead of their squeaky clean (almost too squeaky clean?) QB and all turning in and lights out each night between 8:45 and 9:00 PM.  The Saints, however, will probably be on South Beach, peeing in parking lots, and showing off their Fleur de Lis tattoos.  So, I think it is highly likely Shockey would end up in the pokey before any Colt.  Score:  Colts 7, Saints 4

12 – Super Bowl week scandal you would rather see: Eli Manning sneaking into Peyton’s room to pull a Gilooley and keep him from playing in the game vs. John Carney caught trying to stab Garrett Hartley in the leg to take back his Saints kicking job

SD: John Carney kicked in New Orleans for 6 years. Garrett Hartley played 13 games for the Saints, served a suspension for steroid use earlier this season (seriously), kicked the most important field goal in franchise history and will be a New Orleans legend forever like Rich Karlis in Denver, Adam Vinatieri in New England and Scott Norwood in Buffalo. Umm, nevermind on that last one (and sorry about that, Buffalo). How mad does Carney have to be today? Eli knows deep in his heart that he doesn’t deserve one Super Bowl trophy so how mad could he be if Peyton has one more than he does? (Colts 5 / Saints 7)

Turner: The thought of SuperDave trying to bring down the greatest Oklahoma kicker since R.D. Lasher is maddening.  However, it wouldn’t really make for a great story b/c I don’t believe that FG kickers will be relevant in this game.  You know there is a little bit of Eli hanging around saying that he has as many SB’s as his brother so why shouldn’t he be the highest paid player in the league (B/C YOU SUCK) and that might cause a bit of a riot.  I do hear that Eli has a bit of a man-crush on Curtis Painter so that might just be the secret plot. (Colts 5 / Saints 7)

Shadow: I just couldn’t stomach seeing brother turn on brother.  America has had enough of that in the Civil War, and with Matt and Jeff Hardy.  What would make the other headline even better is if Carney was wide right and stabbed Garret in the **** instead, rendering him the first eunuch kicker in the NFL.  Score:  Colts 7,  Saints 5

The Ladies Division

13 – The Bring It On Memorial Better Looking Cheerleaders Contest: Colts vs. Saints (aka The Saintsations)

SD: Let’s face it. The Saints cheerleaders had me at Saintsations. After a quick scan of the websites, neither team seems to have any one jaw-dropper, so I will go with the Saints – especially since their site is much easier to actually look at the team. They also must be able to keep their tans easier and you know they like to have a good time. That is enough for me. (Colts 5 / Saints 8 )

Turner: I really thought this was a going to be a no-brainer with the Saints running away but after a little research, I’m beginning to question my answer on #15.  Maybe N.O. really doesn’t have that much talent that then causes Reggie to have to go chase tail with Kim.  Very disappointed in that quality of the Saintsations, did they all get pushed out during Katrina and never return?  We have a problem.  PLUS – Coltettes have Ashli (see question 14).  That sealed the deal with the research; stripper names always win. Plus Samantha from Cox Creek just makes me giddy with the possibilities…I’m planning my next bachelor vacation there. (Colts 6 / Saints 7)

Shadow: This question required the most painstaking research of any of them.  I put true effort into looking at over 1,000 pictures to try and come up with my final verdict.  I think at one point I may have violated my company’s IT equipment usage policy (don’t tell Turner).  In the end, I think I may be in love with Amanda T. of the Saintsations, and they also get bonus points for a much better website experience.  Score:  Colts 7,  Saints 6

14 – Hotter Quarterback’s Wife: Ashley Manning vs. Brittany Brees

SD: Drew has done well for himself, but has any NFL player married further over his head than Peyton? I am not an expert on the relative attractiveness of men but could women find Peyton anything but goofy looking? Ashley, while not flashy (see below), has a very girl-next-door attractiveness. Peyton wins yet again. (Colts 6 / Saints 8 )

(Also for those keeping score at home, this also means Peyton is the winner of my Quarterback showdown from the other day – giving the Colts the early edge in winning the whole game).

Turner: If only Ashley spelled her name Ashli – then she could fall in the stripper name spelling contest and would likely make her a big winner in this.  (long story regarding the Shadow and his fake name obsession – Francis is what he goes by).    Going to have to support Peyton on this one.  I’m sure Brittney does a lot of good work but I think the fact that Ashley is a school teacher and is fairly attractive, makes her every 7th grade boy’s dream.  I know I would have been a really good boy back then if I had her teaching my sex ed class. (Colts 7 / Saints 7)

Shadow: Both are a pair of lookers,  but my vote goes to Mrs. Manning.  She just looks like she is more fun and down to earth, kind of like I think Peyton is off the field.  Score:  Colts 8, Saints 6

15 – Hotter E! Show Star Significant Other: Kendra Baskett vs. Kim Kardashian

SD: The Kardashians represent everything I hate about celebrity culture today. People who became famous for no reason, milking their fifteen minutes as long as possible. Yet, I am almost ashamed to admit that I think Kim is absolutely gorgeous. Sure, it helps that I haven’t seen the sex tape featuring her and a guy with his own VH1 reality show but I will pick her any day over a moronic blonde that slept with a creepy octogenarian for years to become famous. Oh, wait I should clarify – Kendra is the moronic blond with the crazy laugh that slept with a creepy octogenarian for years to become famous. (Colts 6 / Saints 9)

Turner: Gotta go with Kendra Basket on this one.  This is more of a protest vote that I think the whole Kardashian family (and now Jenner family) is a complete over-hyped waste of this land.  Sorry I don’t have more commentary but trying to think of why Reggie Bush would go for Kim just completely blows my mind, the southern belles down in the Bayou have so much more to offer. (Colts 8 / Saints 7)

Shadow: Unlike the previous question, I have seen both of these women “au natural” thanks to a little magazine featuring a bunny logo.  Kim definitely has some “assets”, emphasis on the…well, you know….but Kendra does really have that girl next door vibe, and in my book, that takes it every time.  Score:  Colts 9, Saints 6

16 – Favorite Super Bowl half-time moment: Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction vs. pre-K-Fed Britney in slutty, ripped up football jersey (Janet’s from Indiana, Brittany’s from Louisiana)

SD: Has any star fallen further than Brittany Spears? Can you imagine looking up in 2018 and seeing Taylor Swift with two kids, a shaved head and an ex-husband whose entire wardrobe consists of wife-beater tank tops and jogging suits? That is depressing just to think about and yet here we are with Brittany. Given all the craziness since, it is easier to forget that Brittany stared as one of the original “If she was only older, I would totally…” stars of the internet era. It could almost be argued that Super Bowl halftime appearance may have been the peak of her life. Give me that over .003 seconds of some 40-plus year old boob any day. (Colts 6 / Saints 10)

Turner: The Janet thing was way overblown but the pre-K-Fed Britney…..wow……If my DVR hadn’t run out of space, that would still be Tivo’d  (nice job by SuperDave for pulling this one out, though I know he was probably looking at his Britney wall of fame when writing this) (Colts 8 / Saints

{Ed. Note: By my count this is a tie and should invoke our overtime question. However, somehow Turner counted this as a 2-question win by the Saints. I am tired so maybe I am mis-counting. Or Turner is miscounting b/c you can never trust someone that is too lazy to spell out ‘because’. Thankfully he answered the overtime question anyway so we get a definitive winner.

Shadow: I was in the midst of celebrating a halftime football pool win and discussing the random selling of unclaimed squares before the second half, so my back was to the TV when the “Ms. Jackson if your nasty” moment occurred, so I never saw it live.   I have always been a little confused by the Britney phenomenon…..at times, like Garth Algar once so eloquently put it, “she makes me feel funny”…at other times, it just makes me sad to see her struggle.  When this Super Bowl halftime hit early in the decade, I was still very much in the “she makes me feel funny” phase, especially since she was no longer jailbait.  Hit me baby, one more time.  (this vote may also be colored by the fact that I just read a Chuck Klosterman interview with Britney, and is writing is good enough to make anyone shine).  Score:  Colts 9, Saints 7

The Father’s Love Tie- Breaker

17 – Who is Archie Manning really cheering for?

Turner: It has to be the Saints.  He can’t have one son with more SB’s than the other, that is showing favoritism, plus would you rather have your whole city happy that completely adores you and worships you.  I bet he is secretly hoping that Energy Futures skyrocket so their other son Cooper makes more money than both of them combined.

That does it – Saints win this one on 5 Darren Sharper safeties….  It was such a boring game that SuperDave turned on the E! network at halftime and we watched the live simulcast of the Kim Kardashian box for the 2^nd half as she ate an entire pot of Velveeta and 145 Little Smokies.  At least we will have one thing in common with her come this Sunday.

Shadow: Not that a tie-breaker is needed, but in all honesty, I think deep down, Archie is pulling for the Saints.  If Hayden ever grows up to play baseball and he is on the Red Sox, I will still root for the Yankees every time they play…although I will hope that Hayden has decent at-bats.  Final Score:  Colts 9,  Saints 8 

So, it looks like Peyton and company will be celebrating once again, and he will resume his place as the Manning brother with more Super Bowl hardware, which is as it should be. If this happens, I am sure it will be due to the Casino Royale theme being played at some point in the Colts locker room at halftime, or maybe because Marvin Harrison wacked Drew Brees during the opening lineup announcements.  Maybe instead of saying he is going to Disneyland, Peyton will break into “Rocky Top” and twist the dagger even more into the hearts of his family….first betrayed Ole Miss, and now defeats the Saints in the Super Bowl….say it ain’t so.  All I know is that the Colts fans better enjoy it now, as there isn’t a team in the league that is more than a one-trick pony than this team.

SD: So that is it for another football season of the Hierarchy of Hate. It looks like I will end this year cheering for the Saints to dominate the Colts as much on the field as they did here. THH will be going on hiatus for awhile this spring so you will need to pick who to cheer for on your own for awhile but I think you are ready to take off the training wheels. Always remember that fried foods and attractive women are typically reliable indicators of the right team to cheer on. We will be back this summer when we take THH global for the World’s Game. That’s right THH is taking on the World Cup.

You think we can be insulting to the Big Ten? Wait until we get hold of Italy.