It is my 5^th anniversary of running a live commentary for the AFC Championship. As our host Jim Nantz might say, it has become a tradition unlike any other.

Sure, with my love of Twiter, this is just a delayed version of what I would be saying anyway but on the bright side I won’t be spending half the game editing myself to get down to that annoying 140 character limit.

So, let’s dive right in.

- Jim Nantz and Phil Simms’ feathered hair greet us and send us to the field where Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler sings the national anthem. Between Tyler, Phil’s hair and the 49ers/Giants game later today, I am suddenly feeling very nostalgic for the 1980’s. May have to play some Men At Work at halftime.

- Also, I am imagining roughly 478,976 comments mocking Tyler’s singing American Idol-style.

- First commercial break and we get an ad for Ghost Rider Two? How did a movie that never should have been made, spawn a sequel? Is this like Chinese parents having a second child solely because they were disappointed that their first child was a girl?

- And we have kick-off. Ravens don’t bring it out which pretty much sums up their entire offensive philosophy

- 3 and out, after runs by Ray Rice, Ricky Williams and Joe Flacco. Only one of these has a moustache that makes him look like an extra on Justified. He is the one that also runs like an extra on Justified.

 - Patriots almost block the punt and Jim Nantz has already shown more emotion than the entire season to this point. It sounds like he got a Gus Johnson blood transfusion this week. 

-Three and out for the Patriots. I take back everything I said, Tebow really could be a championship QB based on what I have seen so far today.

- Is it a good sign that the announcers discuss whether the Ravens have confidence in Flacco on the 2^nd drive of the game, followed by Flacco taking a sack? Probably not.

- 3 drives, no first downs. The Tebow offensive game plan is revolutionizing the NFL right before our eyes.

- Patriots get the game’s first first down with 2 running plays. Sad, that this is a highlight.

- Julian Edelman has already played running back, wide receiver and defensive back. He is the most-Patriot Patriot ever.

- A lot of stuff just happened but because of a penalty none of it happened. It was the Christopher Nolan film of football plays.

- Pass to Gronkowski, who gets the ball to the 10-yard line before Ravens tackle him. Tackling Gronkowski? That wasn’t in the Broncos game plan last week, good coaching Ravens.

- Ray Lewis just effectively covered Wes Welker on 3^rd and long, so if you are scoring at home: Stabby > Scrappy

- Field goal Patriots. 3-0. Yes, I am as excited as it seems.

- Yep, a 3 and out Ravens with another Flacco sack. I’m just going to put this phrase in auto-fill

- The fact that Domino’s thinks something called ‘undercheesing’ is a national crisis, makes me weep. And I blame them for my tears being greasy, cheesy goodness

- Pats start driving but LaDarius Webb makes a diving interception of Brady on a pass to Edelman. In fairness, maybe Brady got confused and thought Edelman was playing defense.

- First play of Ravens drive and Flacco throws deep on the run to Torrey Smith, who I’m pretty sure is incapable of running anything but straight down the field.

- Michael Oher gets hurt on a running play. I assume when he gets to the sideline, Sandra Bullock will come down out of the stands and tell him to shake it off.

- Wasn’t Torrey Smith the name of one of the mean girls in Heathers? Patriots might want to spike his Gatorade with Drano soon

- End of the first quarter with Ravens in the red zone.

- New E-Trade baby commercial that somehow makes less sense than the others, a remarkable feat.

- Flacco completion on 3^rd down to start 2^nd quarter but it appears a half yard short and the field goal team comes out. Way to avoid an opportunity for drama and excitement Harbaugh. 3-3.

- Afer kick-off, The Law Firm peels off 2 straight 10+yard runs. Ray Lewis fought The Law and The Law won.

- A long completion to the Gronk, a face mask penalty and The Law Firm runs in for the game’s first touchdown. This Tom Brady guys has a future but I’m afraid he will always be derided as a Game Manager. 10-3 Patriots.

- Dr Pepper wants us all to express our individuality by using their corporate hashtag #Ima followed by what describes us. So individuality is now defined as acting like a sheep at the direction of a corporation – got it.

- Anquan Boldin with a long completion on the post route. Now that is the Pats defense we all know and love.

- 3^rd and 1 and CBS shows Cam Cameron on the sideline. I bet he wishes he could call a reverse to Ted Ginn right now. (Painful joke for Dolphins fans only).

- First down for Ravens and then a touchdown pass from Flacco to Dennis Pitta. Of course a quarterback with the moustache of a gyro cart attendant throws to a guy named Pitta.

- I know several people that used to work for IBM. Not a single one worked on ‘building a smarter planet’. Most of them worked on ‘making money for IBM’. I assume these are different divisions or something?

- That joke is truly a tradition unlike any other

- Pats moving the ball again. Tight ends on crossing patterns and runs up the middle are gouging the Ravens – you know – plays that take advantage of older linebackers that dance better than they play.

- Gronkowski fails to keep his feet inbounds on a 3^rd down completion and the Patriots kick another field goal. I’m not even going to try and type the name of the Pats kicker as there is zero chance I get it right.

- Commercial for the new movie 21 Jump Street. Even Steven Tyler is like “I can’t believe they dusted off that old relic and brought it back.”

- Long 3^rd down completion by Ravens with 1:50 to play pretty much ensures the Pats won’t cover the 1^st half spread. Damn you Joe Flacco. Damn you to hell.

- Jim Nantz just got Julian Edelman and Wes Welker confused. Bill Belichick’s scrappy receiver cloning scheme is working to perfection.

- After Ravens punt, Pats just take a knee a couple times and finish out the half. I haven’t seen Brady quit on anything that blatantly since he dumped Bridget Moynahan.

- Halftime summary: blah, blah, blah. Brady needs to play better. Flacco has a stupid moustache. (paraphrasing)

- After the game comes back and some players start jawing at each other, Phil Simms says that Ray Lewis would be the last person he would trash talk because “…umm he can talk really well.” Good rationale. Here is mine: HE ONCE KILLED A MAN.

- Patriots driving. Hernandez has a couple runs and receptions. But, as a former teammate, what does he think of Tebow? Hope the Denver Post gets an interview after the game.

- Drive stalls and ‘He Who Can’t Be Spelled’ kicks another field goal. 16-10 Patriots.

- Ravens drive and former Gator Brandon Spikes gets in a little shoving match. There are so many Gators on the Patriots it is too bad Nick Saban left the Dolphins because he would definitely dominate the Pats.

- Another 3^rd down completion by Flacco. He is looking shockingly competent. Or maybe I’ve just forgotten what it is like to watch an AFC title game without Mark Sanchez participating.

- Torrey Smith breaks a tackle on a short 3^rd down completion and runs it in for a diving, sprawling touchdown that is confirmed on review. Smith is a rookie from Maryland, and this touchdown officially makes him the most successful Terp ever to play in the NFL not named Boomer.

- Hard as it is to believe, we now have a 17-16 game. When did this get interesting?

- A sequel to Clash of the Titans? Shortly after a 21 Jump Street commercial. I seriously need to get my Members Only jacket out of storage.

- Fumble on the kickoff by Danny Woodhead and the Ravens recover. Hard to believe a decade of drafting no talent at skill positions would end up biting the Patriots.

- Joe Flacco on a long keeper to get near the 10-yard line. We are getting precariously close to Eli Manning being the best quarterback remaining in the playoffs. I’m not comfortable living in this world.

- Big sack on 3^rd, so the Ravens settle for field goal attempt. Good. 20-16 Ravens.

- First play after the kick-off is a long completion to the Gronk but he tweaks a leg on the tackle. OH and irony alert, it was Bernard Pollard with the tackle! If the Pats are an evil empire, Bernard Pollard is the Uma Thurman character on a one-man crusade for justice.

- Another Raven interception wiped out by penalty. Somewhere David Stern is watching this and thinking: “Well done, NFL. Well done.” End of the 3^rd quarter.

- Brady and the Law Firm denied from the 1-yard line. On 4^th down, Brady goes up and over with a dive for the touchdown to take the lead 23-20.

- The Ravens are pounding the ball with Ricky Williams and Ray Rice. Going right at the Pats defense like they are burning clock for a last minute touchdown…

- Right up until Flacco throws an interception to Brandon Spikes. There is the Flacco we all know and love.

- Peyton Manning is now doing Papa John’s commercials with Papa John and Jerome Bettis. I wish Rob Lowe had warned us about that.

- Long ball by Brady is tipped by Uma Pollard in the end zone and rookie Jimmy Smith gets the interception. Back to back interceptions and Tim Tebow yells at his TV: “See! I can play as well as these guys!”

- 4^th and 6 from the Pats 33-yard line and the Ravens line up to go for it. As someone who publicly picked the Pats to cover that 7.5 point spread, I am wholly in favor of the Ravens foregoing the tying field goal here.

- Pressure up the middle and the incomplete pass by Flacco. That was entirely predictable. I have too much respect for the Harbaugh clan, so I will blame Cam Cameron for that decision.

- Patriots doing an admirable job of running the ball, failing to cover the spread, and failing to gain a first down. Really the trifecta of failure here. Two-minute warning.

- Incomplete pass on 3^rd down. Pats cover is done. Only chance at getting the Over is overtime. And yes gambling is more important than the outcome of the actual game. It’s not like this the Fantasy football championship weekend or something.

- 3^rd and 1 from mid-field with a minute to play and after catching a short out Anquan Boldin sneaks down the sideline for a 29-yard gain.

- Lee Evans drops a touchdown pass when it is knocked out of his hands. Ravens were that close to winning it out-right. After knocked down 3^rd down pass, Ravens attempt a field to goal to tie with 15 seconds.

- He shanked it. Unbelievable. If Billy Cundiff is found stabbed in a gutter somewhere later, Ray Lewis definitely did not do it.

- Hard to believe there were 2 separate epic choke jobs on that final drive and neither involved Joe Flacco.

- Patriots win – back to the Super Bowl and I am off to cheer on the 49ers. Let’s hope at least one Harbaugh makes the Super Bowl.

After an epic wildcard weekend when an improbable performance led to a week of accolades and praise, a massive failure in the divisional round has again raised questions as to whether he should really even be trying to earn a living doing this.

Never have I felt closer to Tim Tebow than I do now.

He had that 29-23 OT win against the Steelers. I had going 7 of 8 on first half and full game picks against the spread. We were on top of the world. Entire SportsCenter episodes were devoted to some or all of our exploits. After years of facing doubters, we were finally proving we belong.

Until the damn Patriots came along.

Tim’s season ended after an abysmal, embarrassing 45-10 loss in New England. I finished the weekend having gotten 2 of 8 picks right – which means my picks were just slightly more accurate than Tim’s passes.

However while Tim will head off to the Philippines to circumcise children –which we really hope he completes with a much higher accuracy than his passing – I battle on and turn my attention to the AFC and NFC title games.

Can I salvage my overall 9-7 record and successfully return to the land of riches and showgirls?

Will we see a re-match of Super Bowl XLII?

Will the Harbaugh brothers face each other in a Super Bowl that sets a record for ‘Most reporters beating tired storyline into ground before end of first week’ after narrowly edging out T.O.’s ankle in 2005 and Patriots pursuit of 19-0 in 2008?

Will Alex Smith and Joe Flacco makes us all pine for a Brad Johnson / Rich Gannon Super Bowl?

What percentage of Green Bay’s population dies of a broken cholesterol-clogged heart in the next year?

I can’t answer all of these questions. Ok, I can’t answer any.

But I can make more picks that have a 56% chance of being correct!

AFC Championship – Ravens @ Patriots

Halftime: Patriots (-4.5)

Full Game: Patriots (-7.5)

This past Thursday would have been Edgar Allan Poe’s 203^rd birthday. In an odd tradition a mystery man would show up every year and place 2 roses and a half-full bottle of cognac on the Baltimore area grave of the author of The Raven, inspiration for the team’s name. In an even odder tradition, people started showing up each year to watch a mystery man show up and place 2 roses and a half-full bottle of cognac on the author’s Baltimore area grave. While I think this says a lot about the entertainment options in the greater Baltimore area, I have to admit, there is a history/mystery geek buried in me that loves this tradition so, so much.

Sadly, for the 3^rd year in a row the Poe Toaster did not show up and the annual vigil is being abandoned. Sad as the end of this tradition is, it is equally sad to me that this may be the end of the greatest nickname east of AK-47, Andrei Kirilenko.

So what does this have to do with the Patriots, Ravens game? Nothing. And everything. On a weekend after the Poe Toaster vanishes for good, will the Ravens be able to play effectively with heavy hearts? Will this be a reminder to Ray Lewis of his less than glorious past (driven crazy by the endless thumping of the tell-tale heart)? Will Joe Flacco be able to set aside his recent troubles and play well or will he be responsible for the Fall of the House of Usher….err the House of Bischiotti?

The Ravens have played the Pats well in the past, but the Patriots seem to be on a mission this year. Flacco has not progressed during his time in the league and the team has yet to find receivers to pick up the slack.

In the end, I think the tone of his game will be set early. The Pats will either come out and dominate from the start (see: last week) or they will struggle and let the visitors stay close the whole game. This is one game where the halftime pick must be the same as the full game.

I think the Patriots dominate the Ravens like Bill Belichick attacking the sleeves of a hoodie. Take the Pats in both the first half and for the whole game.

In the end, like the Poe Toaster, the Ravens shall be nevermore.

NY Giants @ Forty-Niners

Halftime: Forty-Niners (-.5)

Full Game: Forty-Niners (-2.5)

An NFC Championship game played in Candlestick Park on the edge of the San Francisco bay. It is enough to make an old heart warm with nostalgia. Or angina from all that wine and cheese. However this game is so opposite of games we have seen in the past.

Eli Manning is now the quarterback of a high powered passing attack. Yes, this man.

The Forty-Niners, once the underground laboratory for the mad-scientist of the West Coast offense revolution, relies on powerful defense and staunch running game to win.

When these teams met in the late 80’s it was the Giants running the ball and using a powerful defense, with a freak at linebacker, to slow down the meticulous 49er offense. Now the gameplans are reversed.

In the end, the Niners have already faced a better offense and prevailed. The Giants surprised a rusty, out-of-rhythm Packers offense last week that hadn’t played in nearly a month. The Niners shut down an offense that had scored 45 the week before.

A home field advantage of fans desperate for a return to championship performance brings out the best of the Niners in this one. The defense slows the Giants offense and the 49er offense slowly grinds down the Giants defense.

Take the Giants in the first half (say one long Victor Cruz touchdown, puts them in the front or keeps it tied). But the Niners find a way after halftime, Vernon Davis gashes the Giants secondary and the 49ers win, cover and head back to the Super Bowl.

In a battle for the ages, the Super Bowl pits the closest thing to a dynasty we have seen this millennium against the franchise that defined the word dynasty in the 80s.

No pre-amble today, as I am going to the Heat/Nuggets game tonight and want to save my wittiest insults for the Whore of Akron. Brewing up something about his mother and the 4th quarter. I’m sure it will be GOLD. Let’s get right to the picks.

We’ve picked the Saturday games, so time to move on to the Sunday games.

Houston @ Baltimore

Halftime: Baltimore (-4.5)

Full Game: Baltimore (-8)

By far the least interesting match-up of the weekend. It isn’t even close. This is the John Mayer of NFL Divisional playoff games. Some beautiful women will find it inexplicably attractive. I find it dull and struggle to see the attraction.

A rookie quarterback on the road. A stout, but older defense. An elite home playoff team with the most questionable quarterback since Rex Grossmann took a team to the Super Bowl. This game could end up 13-7 or 28-3 or 31-28. I have no feeling for it and after it ends will wake up from my nap say ‘huh’ and go take a shower.

But I do know this: every year one decent team uses momentum from Wild Card weekend to come in and jump on a home team struggling to find its rhythm after a week off. The Jets last year. The Cardinals at Panthers a couple years ago. The Ravens at Titans the same year. The Texans looked so stout at home last week, it is easy to envision Arian Foster running right past the Ravens. On the other side of the ball, is the Ravens offense really that much better than the Bengals? If the Texans can slow down Ray Rice, would anyone in Maryland be willing to bet a crab cake on Joe Flacco leading the team to a playoff win through the air?

But this still requires TJ Yates to play well on the road and ignore the vaguely homoerotic Ball So Hard slogan of Terrell Slugs. And let’s not forget Arian Foster is still a young guy that went undrafted out of college. Haloti Ngata eats those guys for breakfast.

Literally. He calls it his ‘Captain Cook’-ie Crisp cereal.

Texans come out swinging and the Ravens come out sluggish, take the Texans and points at the half.

But Ray Rice-a-roni the Baltimore treat (not to be confused with crack the real Baltimore treat) finds his legs in the 2^nd half, the defense stuffs the Texans and Joe Flacco’s eyebrow finds Torrey Smith deep a couple times.

Take the Ravens, give the points for the full game.

NY Giants @ Green Bay

Halftime: Green Bay (-5)

Full Game: Green Bay (-8.5)

A few years ago, an up and down Giants team went into Green Bay and shocked the heavily favored Packers in the NFC title game. We all remember this game for Favre’s fitting final throw/interception as a Packer – losing the game in overtime (but he was just having fun out there). But you may not remember the single greatest thing about that game. The introduction of the Tom Coughlin Everest Face!

He may have won a Super Bowl and be on the verge of being fired each year, but for me Coughlin’s career highlight always has been and always will be coaching a game while looking like a mountaineer that survived a fierce storm at 26,000 by gnawing on George Mallory’s femur for energy and warmth.

I may or may not have the motto “those that don’t remember the past are destined to repeat it.’ (in Comic Sans) tattooed on my body, but in this case, I actually think that history works against the G-men.

Where they were once inspired by a coach that some thought was about to turn into Violet Beauregarde after the blueberry bubble gum, this weekend’s forecast in Green Bay calls for significantly less sinister temperatures.

Will the Giants be as motivated with a coach that doesn’t look like he is about to be wheeled away by the Oompa Loompas or have his nose amputated by a Nepalese surgeon? I doubt it.

In other, more subtle reasons why the Packers will win, Aaron Rodgers is not Brett Favre. None of us have seen his package and he doesn’t distribute the ball to the opposing team like a party host with a tray of mini-pigs-in-blankets.

That Packer team also didn’t have Clay Matthews on it. I imagine a cold evening in Green Bay will mean a huge night for Matthews in his on-going attempt to secure a role in the next Nordic mythology movie.

I say you take the Packers in the first half – they come out fast and come out mean, driving at will and making the inevitable Private Box shots of the Manning clan irrelevant.

In the 2^nd half I think the Giants slow the Packers and crawl back into the game, with a bomb to Victor Cruz and a long sustained drive by the 2-headed running back tandem.

Giants keep it close and cover that too-big-spread bu,t in the end, their Super Bowl dreams disappear Into Thin Air.

Twas the day before the day before Christmas and all through the house the heater was blasting because it was freaking cold outside.

I was never good at rhyming.

Is it just me or the holidays always a disappointment now that I am an adult? As a student, even into college, you have a couple weeks off, with at least one coming prior to Christmas to allow you to get all festive.

You spend days getting into brawls with 67 year old women over the 25% Scarves rack.

You pick out and decorate a tree, hang household decoration and wrap presents.

You relax, reading or watching TV with a fire in the fireplace and the lights on the tree.

Your parents blast the worst possible Christmas music for weeks on end.

Each night features a bowl game pitting one school with a direction in its name against a school with a city in its name.

In short, your entire attention is focused on the pending holidays.

Now as a working adult, I force myself to squeeze some rushed shopping between the never-ending work requests that pile up as co-workers and clients try to cram a month’s worth of work into the 3 working days before the end of the year. Forget household decorations.

Today is a holiday for my company, yet I have a list of work to-dos longer than my 9-year old niece’s Christmas Wish List.

Where the holidays used to be my favorite time of the year, now it is something I look forward to all year that inevitably disappoints. It is sort of like the city of London. I idealize it in my mind and then once there, realize it is just really crowded and expensive.

With that bah-humbug, depressing opening, let’s hit the THH for the penultimate NFL weekend.

In honor of happier holidays this week, I am using one of the 3 best Christmas TV specials of my youth to guide who to cheer on in each game.

For the record those 3 are: (1) Twas the Night Before Christmas, (2) Rudolph, the Red Nosed Reindeer and (3) Emmet Otter’s Jug Band Christmas

This time of year, there is only one question to ask yourself: What would Emmet Otter do?

Shadow and Turner are not joining because Turner grew up Amish and is not familiar with the season’s most generous mammal while Shadow regretfully admitted he didn’t like Emmett growing up, which is nearly as shameful as once being a Raiders fan.

But I will forgive him. It is the least I can do this time of year. Because I should be thankful for what I have: family, friends and a washtub with no hole in it.

Giants @ Jets

Obviously Emmet would be cheering on the Giants. First, Emmet loathes greed in all forms. With Rex clearly eating all food in his vicinity and refusing to share while Mark Sanchez nails every hot woman who doesn’t have a souvenir ‘I got hit by Derek Jeter’ baseball, the Jets personify greed. The Giants on the other hand have Eli Manning who is all about the family. If any NFL player would enter a musical contest to try and earn money to buy his mom a Christmas present, it is clearly Eli.

Bucs @ Panthers

One of the songs that Emmet and his pals play is entitled Barbecue and includes the following lyrics:

And your very favorite thing to do

Is get a perty girl dancin’ to jug-band music

And a mess of mama’s barbecue

Barbecue lifts my spirit

I swear that it never fails

And the sauce mama makes just stays there forever

If you dare to get it under your nails

Well you maybe poor with a wolf at your door

But money isn’t everything

You still got your song and a river full of fun

And you’ll always have a song to sing

So get the frown off your face

We’re gonna replace it with a grin and a dream come true

With a perty girl dancin’ to jug-band music

And a mess of mama’s barbecue

Clearly, Emmet would be cheering for Carolina and their messy, sweet, tasty barbecue in this one.

Browns @ Ravens

Emmet, his mom and his mates lost the musical contest to a bunch of lizards, snakes and a bear wearing sunglasses. A group that can’t be trusted and would do anything to make money. Sort of like Art Modell turning his back on the people of Cleveland and moving to Baltimore for a promised new stadium. Emmet, of all beings, can relate to the poor people of Cleveland and would be a proud member of the Dawg Pound this weekend.

Thursday, December 8, 2011 will go down as one of the strangest days in the history of sports. From the moment we woke up (at least those of us here out west) to the moment we went to bed, bombshells were dropping like we were in 1941 London.

We start with a superstar baseball player who may or may not be 31 years old signing a 10-year contract with a new team in L.A.. My favorite part of this is the catch-22 it puts Angels fans in. The only way a 10-year contract (ending when Pujols is at least 41 – that’s right at least) is worth this much is if Albert starts borrowing some of Barry Bonds training secrets. But then if Pujols borrows Bonds training secrets, the Angels become a laughingstock and it is totally not worth it.

Then a bunch of pitchers traded teams but none of them are life changing, so as a non-baseball fan I will cover them all thusly: fast forward to May, I switch on a <insert name of baseball team> game and say to myself: “Oh yeah, I forgot <insert name of pitcher traded yesterday> went to <insert name of baseball team>. Wow, he already gave up 5 runs and it is only the 3^rd inning? Good signing.”

By lunch time, the NBA had kicked into high gear as the Mavs pulled a Marlins “post-championship fire sale” for secondary players – Caron Butler to the Clippers and (possibly) Tyson Chandler to the Knicks.

But these moves were immediately eclipsed by Chris Paul’s knee brace….I mean Chris Paul trade rumors.

As the sun began to kiss the mountains here in Denver, it became confirmed that the Hornets were trading Paul to the Lakers in a 3 team trade that would send Pau Gasol to Houston and Lamar Kardashian to New Orleans – along with several former Rockets and Bruce Jenner’s left-over face skin.

At that point, the day has been fun, interesting and somewhat logical (even if the Angels overpaid by 4 years and $50 million). But like some sort of horror movie, as night descended, so did the insanity.

I would have thought it was a bad joke or the fever induced delirium of a bitter Gator fan when the first rumors of Charlie Weis becoming head coach at Kansas materialized. But then it actually happened.

A team desperate to be even relevant in the college football landscape went out and hired a proven loser. An arrogant, lazy coach living on an undeserved reputation who has done nothing but fail since he left the cold embrace of Lord Belichick. Rather than gain respect and attention by actually trying to build a real program through hard work, KU leadership decided to go for the sex tape approach to grabbing attention. Yes, releasing a sex tape is a good way to get attention, but then you are famous for all the wrong reasons. Let’s stop this analogy right here, because the words ‘Charlie Weis’ and ‘sex tape’ in the same paragraph are starting to make my eyes bleed.

KU will undoubtedly be mentioned more frequently on College GameDay next season with Charlie scooting around the sidelines – but most of that attention will be of the ‘what is wrong with KU under Weis?’ variety.

A long time Weis loather, I am thrilled with the jokes that this affords me but, as a FSU fan, saddened by the years of dominating UF that we have lost.

As we were still laughing at KU, David Stern took it as a personal affront and said “Oh, you think that was short-sighted and misguided? Well, take a look at this!” before disallowing the Paul trade.

Apparently some whiny owners complained about competitive balance. Which is an interesting argument, so I hope one of those idiots answer one question for me:

How does Paul signing with a big market team next summer as a free agent, netting the Hornets absolutely nothing in return, help them compete better than the 4 players and draft pick they would have gotten in this deal?

Apparently Dan Gilbert, owner and Chief Idiot on Charge of the Cavaliers would prefer every other team sit through their own Decision each summer as their superstars head to (literally) sunnier destinations.

What a long, strange day it has been.

In honor of the Trading Places Thursday we just witnessed, this week, we pick two games that involved some sort of swap. So which team won that ‘trade’?

Indianapolis @ Baltimore

SD: In the middle of a cold winter night nearly 20 years ago, the Colts snuck out the door and left Baltimore like Cal Ripken’s wife leaving Kevin Costner’s house. Allegedly. It took another decade but when Cleveland wouldn’t give Art Modell a new stadium for his crappy Browns, Baltimore finally had a team to root for again. Since both moves were completed each team has won a Super Bowl. Each team has produced one of the best players of the last fifteen years (Peyton Manning, Ray Lewis). Each team has a key contributor accused of murder (Marvin Harrison, Ray Lewis – again). In the end, the city of Baltimore got all of the same things that Indianapolis took from them, outside of an original scroll of On The Road, without having to move to Indianapolis. That sounds like a win to me.

Chicago @ Denver

A little less than 3 years ago, the Broncos sent a whiny Jay Cutler to the Bears in exchange for Kyle Orton’s neck beard and some draft picks. A year ago, this question would have looked like a no-brainer as the Broncos were headed to the #2 overall pick and the Bears to the NFC title game. But now, Cutler’s inability to stay healthy (or fight through injuries), his tabloid relationship with professional attention whore Kristen Cavalleri and the Bears perennial mediocrity must leave Bears fans scratching their moustaches and drowning their sorrows in Old Style. The Broncos are riding the high of the Tebow phenomenon, winning inexplicable games every week and becoming America’s (if not God’s) Team. Bronco country tried a time period in which we had a good, but not great team and a good but not great quarterback that we rode to early round playoff exits every year (see: 2000-2005). It wasn’t fun. Give me the lunacy and ridiculousness of the Tebow era any day, even if it doesn’t last any longer than his famous speech.

 When it comes to NFL disappointment, I live by the motto: It is better to burn out than fade away.

As I sit to write this, my mind isn’t on football, it’s on basketball. College basketball has been on my TV for the last 24 hours like that Friends episode where Joey and Chandler get free porn: afraid it will be gone if I turn off the TV, I keep it on 24 hours a day.

The NBA on the other hand, much like the Philadelphia Eagles, have proven that the more great athletes you have, the more disposable you become. Filled with the greatest collection of talent in a generation and building on 3 or 4 great years that saw the resurgence of the Lakers, Celtics and the creation of the Heatles, the NBA has decided to take the year off.

I guess they decided if it worked for Dave Chapelle, it will definitely work for them.

Of course he lost his TV show.

While basketball is being defined as both a beginning (college) and ending (NBA), football, outside of the depraved showers of the Penn State locker room, is defined at the moment is ‘in between’.

College football is in between the marquee mid-season match-ups such as LSU/Alabama and Oregon/Stanford that have shaped the BCS title race and the late season match-ups that will finalize the Bowl schedule – Bedlam in Oklahoma and the SEC title game.

The NFL is in the late season, where the true contenders start to separate themselves from the early season pretenders (paging Detroit Lions, Detroit Lions, Reality is holding for you) but not yet to the point where playoff spots are being locked. At least outside of the NFC West where the Niners are on the verge of clinching the NFL’s equivalent of the PAC 12 South.

For the next couple of weeks, the entire NFL world sits in limbo. No conclusions reached just more questions and clues. Which is fine for most people because anticipation is at least half of the fun of sports. But for people writing about sports, it means generating stories out of thin air. Whether it is digging around and looking for anything that is even tangentially interesting relative to the Penn State scandal (see: Sports by Brooks) or just making up dumb arguments to keep a dialog alive (see: Bleacher Report and ESPN).

After spending weeks analyzing the Tim Tebow phenomenon from every angle short of asking what uncircumcised kids in the Philippines think of him, I have run out of things to say. Until something actually happens, there is only so much to talk about.

And so we all wait together.

But as a bright spot today I am in between something else: in between a busy fall of work and a long weekend in Vegas with the THH crew beginning Thursday. With Vegas on my mind, the THH theme this week is simple. Given the opening spread, which team would (will) you bet on?

College

Nebraska at Michigan (-2.5)

If it were October 2010, this would be a fascinating match-up of 2 of the most exciting playmakers in football: Michigan QB Denard Robinson and Nebraska QB Taylor Martinez. Unfortunately a year later and the weaknesses of each have been exposed. Robinson can throw the ball only marginally better than Mr. Robinson, Eddie Murphy’s old SNL character. Martinez is as consistent under center as acting legend A Martinez’s work schedule. If I were a betting man (wait, I AM a betting man), I take Nebraska here. Nebraska has about the only defense in the Big Ten athletic enough to contain Denard. And God help Michigan if they have to rely on a passing game. As Michigan receiver Junior Hemingway might say about the UM passing game.

The ball leaves his hand; launched into the clear, blue sky.

It hits the cold, unforgiving turf.

The faces of his receivers show frustration and anger.

It is real. It is ugly.

Colorado @ UCLA (-11)

It would be easy to paint this game as an opportunity for the Buffaloes to exact revenge on the coach that deserted them and sent them from perennial national contender to Big-12 Pac-12 doormat. But then you realize that when Rick Neuheisel left Boulder most of these players were so young that they were still eating their own boogers. The Buffaloes do not care about Neuheisel’s past but, more importantly, they do not play football well. UCLA, as crazy as it is to imagine, still has a chance to be the sacrificial virgin that gets slaughtered by Oregon in the Pac 12 title game. The Buffaloes won their first ever Pac-12 game last week and I fear that a level of satisfaction now permeates the team – at least they got that off their shoulders. I think the Bruins roll the Buffs and both CU fans that still care more about football than ski season, curse Neuheisel once again.

NFL

Chargers @ Chicago (-4)

Is there anyone outside of the sports books and Chargers owner’s box that still think Norv Turner can coach this team? How is this only a 4-point game? Are the sportsbooks banking on Philip Rivers seeing Jay Cutler across the field and playing like he did when he would blow out Cutler’s Broncos? I don’t see it, mostly because Philip Rivers seems to have become the quarterback equivalent of Sean Alexander ‘one year too late’ and comparing the Bears defense to those old Bronco defenses is like comparing Homeland to NCIS –two things trying to achieve the same goal but one being vastly superior at it.

The Bears should roll to an easy win and after the Broncos beat the Jets to tie for the division lead, maybe the Chargers leadership will finally realize that Norv and this Charger team peaked about 3 years ago and it is time to blow it up and start over.

Bengals @ Ravens (-9)

It is an odd numbered week in the NFL, so that must mean that the Ravens will play well. That makes as much as sense as anything else the Ravens have done this year, so I will go with it. The Bengals have been a nice story and Andy Dalton certainly looks like a young Brad Johnson but I think their time near the top of the division has reached its end. It was fun while it lasted and we will always be able to look back at the first 2 months fondly, like a warm summer in high school. Though with his fair skin, I imagine no summer under a scorching Texas sun is remembered fondly by Dalton.

Will Joe Flacco lead the Ravens past the Bengals by double-digits? That’s as sure a bet as saying Reverend Ray Lewis never broke one of the Ten Commandments.

Oh. Hmmm. Yeah, this seems like a game to tease down to -2. Tease with the Bears? Free money.