After months of pretending to get our NFL fix by following the human equivalent of the Westminster Dog Show known as the NFL Combine and the movements of free agents deemed too old, too crazy or too expensive by their previous employers we have finally reached the crown jewel of the NFL offseason: the NFL Draft. Out with the past, and in with the future. There are endless educated guesses out there on who each team will draft but who should all these teams draft? Thankfully, your dutiful analyst here at PFB has scoured the scouting services and waded through Mel Kiper’s hairline to determine who each team should target, if for no other reason than our entertainment.

AFC East

New England Patriots – With the loss of Ben Watson to Cleveland the Patriots have a need at tight end (I know, I can’t believe losing Ben Watson would cause anything but joy in Foxbrough but it is what it is). In steps Ron Gronkowski out of Arizona. Whether he succeeds on the field or not, he can at least act as a guardian to long-lost cousin kicker Stephen Gostkowski, reducing the number of wedgies and swirlies inflicted this year by that bully Tom Brady.

New York Jets – The Jets need to find some offensive help for their second year quarterback and overpowering defense. They have gone out on the free agent market and gotten wide receivers and running backs, so they should use the draft to go get a tight end. How about Dennis Pitta out of BYU? Last year, the Jets made the millions of latino fans in New York happy with the drafting of Mark Sanchez. This year they can make millions of Greek and middle eastern fans happy by loading up on Pitta. 

Miami Dolphins – This offseason, the Dolphins lost linebacker, non-stop talker, cheap-shot artist and drunk driver Joey Porter to the Arizona Cardinals. Drafting Brandon Spikes, he of the linebacker playing, eye-gouging, teammate deifying career at Florida will help address the loss of many of Porter’s doucheiest qualities.

Buffalo Bills – Last year, the Bills played a home game in Toronto to expand their fan base beyond western New York and into Canada. If they can’t put a competitive team on the field, this is their best chance at remaining relevant. Drafting Dan LeFevour, a quarterback out of Central Michigan not only addresses one of their biggest needs but may also bring millions of new Canadian fans to the Bills bandwagon when they get confused and assume he is on loan from playing winger for the Maple Leafs.

AFC North

Pittsburgh Steelers – Last year after Troy Polamalu was lost to injury, the Steelers showed a great weakness in the secondary. Drafting Joe Haden, the cornerback out of Florida will help reduce the dependence on Troy’s hair. Plus after years in Gainesville, Haden knows quite well how to deal with a quarterback with a god complex.

Cleveland Browns – Three years ago, the Browns drafted golden boy Brady Quinn out of Notre Dame to address their quarterback needs. This year they can draft Golden Tate out of Notre Dame to address their wide receiver needs. I mean it can’t work out any worse than last time right?

Cincinnati Bengals – Needing another weapon for Carson Palmer, the Bengals should take Jermaine Gresham, who provides the added bonus of sounding like the best-selling legal novel author around. If the Bengals can’t get players that actually understand the law they can at least get players that sound like they do.

Baltimore Ravens – Still looking for players to help out Joe Flacco, the Ravens should roll the dice on Dez Bryant. Sure, there are some questions marks around Dez – especially about his lying to the NCAA and questionable work ethic but if there is anyone that will take a stab at motivating a young player it is Ray Lewis.

AFC South

Indianapolis Colts – Coming off a Super Bowl in which they were torched by Drew Brees, the Colts need to address their inability to put pressure on the quarterback. Jason Pierre Paul out of South Florida can help that need as well as taking the pressure off Pierre Garcon of being the only Pierre on the roster.

Tennessee Titans – With Lendale White becoming ineffective without tequila in his blood it is time to look for a new complement to take some of the load off of Chris Johnson. Not only does Toby Gerhart provide the short yardage power, and leading blocking ability, but can you imagine the nicknames that could be formed for a small black running back and large white running back tandem? Chocolate Lightning and White Thunder? Ebony and Ivory? The I-Spy Backfield? Tennessee Vice? I could do this all day.

Jacksonville Jaguars – Much has been made this offseason of the Jaguars drafting the best player out of nearby University of Florida to help drive interest in the team and improve their anemic offense. I fully endorse this approach and expect Maurkice Pouncey to make the short trip up from Gainesville to Jacksonville.

Houston Texans – The Texans are the ‘Almost’ team. Every year they almost make the playoffs. Matt Schaub has stats almost as good as the best in the league and he almost makes it through the season uninjured. Steven Slaton can make it almost all the way through the game without fumbling. Andre Johnson almost gets the credit he deserves for being the best wide receiver in the game. Thus the Texans should draft Joe McKnight – the USC running back almost as good as his predecessor Reggie Bush who the Texans almost drafted 4 years ago.

AFC West

San Diego Chargers – In a tough offseason for the Bolts, they lost their top running back in LaDainian Tomlinson, a back-up quarterback in Charlie Whitehurst, outrageous child production in Antonio Cromartie and a player known to disappear in big games (Tomlinson again). Clearly they need to sign Travis Henry to address the running and child production needs while drafting Colt McCoy for the back-up quarterback and ‘disappearing in big game’ gaps.

Oakland Raiders – There is little doubt the Raiders will draft Bruce Campbell, the Maryland offensive lineman who is a physical specimen that impressed at the NFL Combine with incredible speed and strength after a completely mundane college career. Really his only chance of success in the NFL is if his hand is still possessed like it was back in Evil Dead 2.

Denver Broncos – The Broncos have a lot of needs. They are looking for linebackers, offensive linemen, receivers and (possibly) a long term solution at quarterback. But there is another position that has been vacated with the trades of Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall over the last two offseasons: unhappy whiner who quits on his team. The Broncos can’t go into the season without at least one on their roster so don’t be surprised to hear the name “Mike Williams” announced at some point with the Broncos on the clock.

Kansas City Chiefs – The Chiefs are still trying to improve their offense but while the acquisition of Thomas Jones to split carries with Jamal Charles should help, their defense still has holes. Targeting Sean Weatherspoon, the linebacker out of Missouri helps out a defense ranked 31^st against the run last year. Plus he is one of the few players in the draft that would know Kansas City is actually located in Missouri not Kansas. That could be huge when trying to find the stadium for that first game.

In the NFL, ‘gun slinger’ is a term of endearment for a quarterback with a strong arm that tends to throw high risk, high reward passes. Of course, these quarterbacks are polarizing to their teams and fans. They can be heroes if they complete the miracle pass or can be goats if their mistakes cost them the game.

They can also be loathed by their teams and fans if the same out of control egos and selfish confidence makes them believe they are more important their team.

NOTE: I’m really not trying to make this a personal attack on Jay Cutler and Brett Favre, really I am not, it just seems that way.

Anyway, thanks to the presence of Cutler and Favre, the NFC North is the unquestioned Gunslinging capital of the NFL. However, that doesn’t mean it is the only division that would have fit in well wearing black back in the old west.

While Favre and Cutler’s antics may antagonize fans and teammates, they at least keep their crimes limited to the world of football.

With two Pittsburgh Steelers facing legal trouble this spring, and another Brown getting arrested it is official; the AFC North is the least law-abiding division of the NFL. The NFL’s real outlaw division.

Every single team in the AFC North has had players with run-ins with the law:

Ravens: Officially Ray Lewis never stabbed a guy with a knife outside of an Atlanta night club. Also, officially Lewis quit being an elite linebacker a couple years ago. However as the saying goes ‘perception is reality’. The same rationale that lets announcers continue to label Ray one of the best in the game, is the same rationale that I can use to say Ray, at a minimum, was an accomplice to a man’s death.

Bengals: I don’t have the time, energy or page count to list all of the crimes committed by the Orange and Black Gang over the years. Let’s just say, if your last name isn’t Palmer and you play for the Bengals, you probably have an arrest record in Hamilton County. And I can say that only because I am choosing to ignore that Jordan Palmer stole a roster spot from a more deserving player.

Browns: Just last week, Shaun Rogers was arrested for ‘accidentally’ trying to bring a loaded gun on a plane. Last year, Braylon Edwards got himself banished to Elba (I mean New Jersey) for punching a friend of the Akron Hammer. Former Browns wide receiver (and now Raven) Donte Stallworth killed a man while driving impaired in Miami last year. Apparently after seeing the Bengals turn around their play and make the playoffs this year after a multi-year crime spree, the Browns are trying to follow the same game plan. Unfortunately that plan doesn’t take into account the crime against humanity that has been the Browns quarterback play for the last decade.

Steelers: Big Ben appears to be about to escape charges after being accused of a second sexual assault in two years. Santonio Holmes appears to be about to be cleared of assault charges from some sort of bar room encounter. Unfortunately he also faces a suspension for substance abuse, coming after years of being relatively open about his pot use (first sign you shouldn’t ever use Twitter: Tweeting about ‘waking and baking’). So, Santonio has a problem putting down the pipe while Big Ben has a problem turning away dumb young women throwing themselves at him (that is the half-glass full view of what happened). The Steelers may be considered the model franchise thanks to great owners and a smart coach but they sure draft some dumb players.

In the midst of the free agent / pre-draft season it only makes sense to look at some players that based on their extra-curricular activities would be good fits to join the AFC North:

- Brandon Marshall – Chad Ochocinco lobbied for T.O. to join him in Cincinnati. That hasn’t happened yet but with Marshall’s legal troubles over the years he would fit in well in the Bengal locker room. Plus he has spent the last few years making passes from Kyle Orton and Jay Cutler look catchable. Even Jordan Palmer would look like he belongs on an NFL roster with B-Marsh around.

- Marshawn Lynch – Traveling with a gun? Hit and Run? If Marshawn isn’t a natural fit in Cleveland than I don’t know anything about building an NFL team.  

- Ronnie Brown – DUI arrest in Georgia? Clearly Brown needs to sign with the Steelers. If he played in the black and gold he would have just taken a couple pictures with the officers when they pulled him over before being let go.

- Any Florida Gator outside of Saint Tebow– a team of 20+ offseason arrests last year – if you are looking for a division where strict adherence to the law is optional, the AFC North is for you.

Wait, why am I trying to get more criminals together? I think this is how the Colombian drug cartels got started. And we all know how journalists challenging those cartels end up.

Maybe it is time to call witness protection.

Just call me Mediocre Dan.

We are back again today with last year’s AFC title game running commentary. As I read through yesterday’s re-hash of the 2008 AFC title game, there were a lot of things that were pretty interesting to read two years later. If I were more ambitious, I would pull a David Foster Wallace / Chuck Klosterman / Bill Simmons and footnote the hell out of it with all the most updated comments. Alas, I am not. So you are struck trying to guess what I would have to comment on.

2009 AFC Championship Game – Live

Welcome back for the second annual live commentary of the AFC title game. Last year we had the Patriots going for their historic 18^th win. This year we have two teams just hoping to score 18 points.

The game matches up the first and second ranked defense in the league in a game being played at cold and snowy Heinz Field. What I am saying is that I wouldn’t take the ‘over’ and that you can probably expect a lot of Joe Flacco unibrow and Ray Lewis killing people jokes from me today.

Before diving into the AFC title game, I have a few comments left over from the NFC game this afternoon – let’s get these out of the way before kick-off.

• Congratulations to the Cardinals, last year we had the Giants and the Rockies. This year we have the Rays and now the Cardinals. If you believe in omens, you might want to continue to believe in these Cardinals, despite what all the experts say over the next two weeks.
• I probably shouldn’t admit this, but here you go. My name is David and I have a man-crush on Larry Fitzgerald. He is incredibly talented, hard-working, very quiet and modest (<cough> T.O. <cough>), he catches everything, used to work as a ball boy for the Vikings, he has long flowing locks cascading down his back….ummm…let’s forget that last one and just move on.
• Let me just say I think he is really good.  At football, to be clear.
• Two weeks in a row, we have had a missed call by the refs that couldn’t be reviewed, despite neither being a judgment call and both being clearly shown on the replay. What is the point of replay again? Isn’t it to fix bad calls by refs? Why are there so many limits to its use?
• Cardinal fans don’t want to hear this but I can’t be the only one who thought back to the Cardinals/Bears game from a couple years ago right before halftime. You know the ‘they are who we thought they are’ game in which the Cardinals had 20 point lead at half and lost 24-23? It says a lot about this Cardinal team that they didn’t fold when they had lots of opportunities in the second half.
• I know Eddie Royal had a nice season but always remember Bronco fans – DeSean Jackson  – he of the 62-yard touchdown and potentially game saving forced fumble – could have been your rookie wide receiver.
• How great would it have been if the Eagles had lost by one point and David Akers could have gone all Ray Finkel on Sav Rocca? Laces out Sav!
• Donovan McNabb is clearly going to take the brunt of Eagles fans venom after this game – and he did have several painfully errant passes but at what point did I miss him being assigned to cover Larry Fitzgerald? If you are going to continue to cover Fitzgerald with a single player in man-to-man after the last two weeks, you deserve to lose.

Ok, let’s get back to the AFC game:

• The first thing I think of when I think of Pittsburgh, is country music so we have Martina McBride sing the national anthem “to honor America and honor freedom” as the public address announcer said. To honor freedom? Really? Why am I just learning this?
• Jim Nantz greets us with ‘hello friends’. Tapping his inner-McCain because, you know, that worked out so well for him.
• Phil Simms hair in HD borders on frightening. It is like it has its own life force. It seems to glow like those creatures that live 2,000 feet below the ocean’s surface in steam vents.
• Steve Tasker is our sideline announcer. Has anyone ever gotten more out of not being good enough to even play on offense or defense than Tasker? Just think if he could have started over Don Beebe, he would probably be running a Wings joint outside Buffalo right now.
• We have kick-off!
• Our ref is retiring after the game tonight. I think he should hold a teary press conference in a couple months to announce he is not retiring but instead will be signing with the NFC this offseason.
• Big Ben has about a day and a half in the pocket for two consecutive pass attempts and on the second one he connects with Hine Ward for a 45-yard gain over the middle.
• Drive stalls out and Jeff Reed hits a field goal. Let me go out on a limb and say that is not the last field goal attempt we see today.
• Every time I see those commercials with Howie Long I feel like less of a man for not driving a Chevy truck.
• Ravens come out with a three and out, with two incompletions by Bert Flacco. 
• Big Sack by Haloti Ngata as he crushes Big Ben on third down. Another three and out.
• By the way, you know how people say ‘so-and-so hits like a Mack Truck’? Shouldn’t Big Ben be the definitive authority on this? Isn’t he really the only one qualified to compare how hard NFL players hit relative to a vehicle?
• Flacco is picked off on the next third down. For some reason out of six plays, the Ravens have run 5 pass plays, which, is roughly as many passes as Flacco threw all of last week. Just what you want with a rookie taking on the best pass defense in the league.
• I wonder who in the world would set up this offensive game plan. Oh yeah, Cam Cameron is the Ravens’ offensive coordinator, it all makes sense. If he only had Ted Ginn he would really be set.
• Willie Parker drops an easy pass that would have been a long gain down the sideline. But at least he didn’t get hurt, so the Steelers have that going for them.
• Am I the only one that can never tell if Hines Ward is grinning or grimacing?
• Santonio Holmes makes a catch, takes two steps, dives and reaches the ball for the end zone where it comes out when he hits the ground. This is an incomplete pass thanks to an asinine rule. I don’t understand it, and don’t like it. The ground can’t cause a fumble but it can turn a cleanly caught pass into an incompletion? That makes perfect sense. Steelers settle for a field goal 6-0.
• Hines Ward has a hurt knee and is questionable. He is either in pain or someone in the stands is cracking jokes.
• A commercial was just shown with Kobe Bryant, Michael Phelps and Tony Hawk dancing around in pink button-ups and underwear. Needless to say, Howie Long would not approve.
• Heath Miller makes a big 3^rd down catch. I just realized he is named after a candy bar and a beer. His middle name has to be Marlboro, right?
• Not-that-fast Willie Parker takes a hand-off on second and short, is hit by Ray Lewis and coughs up the ball. Maybe it would have been better for Steeler fans if he had gotten hurt already.
• Uh oh, big Ben is getting looked at by the medics and Byron Leftwich is warming up. I just heard the laughter coming from Jacksonville all the way here in Denver.
• Ravens have a 3^rd and 1 and 4^th and inches at the Steelers 34 yard line and get stuffed twice. Yet LeRon McClain, their biggest and best running back never got the ball. Good call, Cam.

• What sort of statement does it make about the economy that the LeBron playing football commercial for State Farm was aired this weekend? Any other year and that is a Super Bowl commercial. Now I am really getting nervous. Mental note: cash out 401(k) tomorrow.
• Wow, a late duck thrown by big Ben under pressure to Santonio is turned into a bobbing and weaving 65-yard touchdown run. The Steelers seem to almost be mocking the conventional wisdom that you don’t want to throw late or deep across the middle against the Ravens. 13-0 Steelers.
• Ravens finally show a little life in their running game and move the ball to mid-field before Flacco takes a 3^rd down sack and they punt the ball away. Am I the only one that thinks if I had done a live blog of last week’s games, I could have just cut-and-pasted any discussion of the Ravens offense and no one would know the difference?
• Second challenge of the game by the Ravens on a 3^rd down completion to Nate Washington. Replays show the ball slipped through his hands but he was able to squeeze it between his legs. The Steelers controversial off-season Thigh-Master workouts look brilliant right now.
• Jim Leonhard takes a punt for the Ravens and gets a long return up the middle before getting taken down by Mitch Berger, the Steeler punter at the 17-yard line.  Doesn’t a starting safety getting taken down by a punter make the Ravens defense a little less intimidating?
• Former Seminole Bryant McFadden is flagged for pass interference right at the goal line, giving the Ravens the ball at the 3-yard line. At this rate, the ref may not even make it out of the city to begin his retirement.
• McGahee walks right in to the end zone. 13-7 Steelers.
• I love it when the crowd gets an overwhelming ‘bull-sh*t’ chant going but the announcers have to ignore it. Guess I could never be an announcer, because at a minimum I would have to throw out a sarcastic ‘it appears the crowd disagrees with that call’ comment.
•  Wow, after the Steelers and Ravens trade punts, big Ben uncorks a deep one to a wide open Limas Sweed who drops the pass at the two yard line, wiping out what would have been an easy catch and ‘Ray Lewis-at-a-night-club’ knife in the back to the Ravens’ hopes.
• Your 2009 Oscar for Best Actor goes to Mitch Berger for acting like he got hit by a rusher earning a 15-yard roughing the punter penalty and a Steeler first down. Brad Pitt is pretty ticked, he really thought Benjamin Button was his ticket to respectability.
• Limas Sweed comes back and crushes a Raven D-back on a completion to Heath Miller. He hit him as hard as a linebacker. Which is only fitting as he catches as well as a linebacker.
• Ben throws over the middle and the Steelers can’t stop the clock in time to try a field goal, so the clock runs out on the first half at 13-7.

That’s it for now, back later with the second half.

And we are back with the second half.

• Turner just checked in to clarify that crushing hit on Cory Ivy by Limas Sweed. Apparently Ivy was a Sooner and this was some sort of Red River Rivalry renewed by the Longhorn Sweed. Good to know, here I thought he was just trying to make amends for dropping a wide-open touchdown. Silly me.
• After actually completing a pass for a first down, the Ravens call a quarterback keeper that gets stuffed for a loss of 8 yards. Settle down Cam. Flacco may be better than we thought he would be, but he is no Tim Tebow.
• Yet, another punt by the Ravens. But at least they burned a time out in those 6 plays.
• Sack on big Ben on 3^rd and 3. Ray Lewis celebrates being the third person to jump on Ben. Way to go, Ray. Most other players would have stopped when his two teammates had tackled that quarterback but not Ray. That is what makes him the best.
• Guess what the Ravens just did on their offensive series? Yep – three and out. I guess there is something to be said for consistency. Whatever.
• Can you tell that this Ravens offense being in an AFC title game is slowly sucking my will to live?
• I know several people that used to work for IBM. Not a single one worked on ‘building a smarter planet’. Most of them worked on ‘making money for IBM’. I assume these are different divisions or something?
• Another long pass play gets a much-needed first down by the Steelers. After hearing about Ed Reed all week being the greatest defensive player since Butkus, I sort of expected him to actually make a play during this game at some point.
• Maybe he should start jumping on piles like Ray so we can at least hear his name.
• The drive stalls out, but the Steelers get another field goal. 16-7. I have nothing to add.
• Ravens actually got a first down this time – baby steps guys. But they still punt.
• How boring has this game become? Turner and I are discussing what Disney movies he sings along with. For the record, he only admits to Aladdin but there is no doubt in mind he is a Mulan guy too.
• Speaking of movies not targeted for me. Is anyone else a little confused by the casting of that new ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ movie – which they are inexplicably advertising during football today? Look at some of the (apparent) male love interests in that movie – E from Entourage, the guy in love with Sydney on Alias and Mac, who will always be to me the aspiring male cheerleader from Dodgeball. Those are the ‘heart throbs’ that personify the ideal guy for women like Jennifer Aniston, Scarlett Johansson and Jennifer Connelly now? Were Gary Coleman and Rainn Wilson already booked?
• Obviously the producers of this movie have not seen those Howie Long Chevy commercials.
• For some reason the Steelers try to throw it on 3^rd and 1 as Simms and Nantz gush about how the offensive line has improved over the course of the season. Don’t let the complete contradiction of what you are saying stop you.
• Karmic retribution for chickening out of running up the middle on that 3^rd and 1, Berger shanks the ball about 15 yards on the punt.
• The Ravens offense finally gets going, completing a couple passes and moving inside the Steelers 30-yard line.
• Another pass interference in the end zone puts the Ravens on the 1-yard line and McGahee walks around the corner and in for the score. And actual offensive drive from the Ravens. Have I fallen asleep and am dreaming of how this game should be going? 16-14 Steelers. 9:30 to play.
• Neither team has had any running game at all today, and that is really hurting the Steelers now that they are trying to run out the clock. If you can’t run when they don’t know it is coming, then you being able to run when they do know it is coming is as likely as one of his co-workers solving a crime without The Mentalist.
• A good Raven punt return by the Ravens is wiped out by really stupid personal foul penalty. It is a safe bet that it is a late hit out of bounds when you leap over the Gatorade table before making the hit.
• Just as the Ravens are starting to move the ball a little and might make a move to get into field goal range, Flacco threw the ball right to Polamalu who wound his way back 40-yards for the game-clinching touchdown.
• Sorry Ravens but you can’t expect to make it all the way to the Super Bowl without asking your QB to make at least one play. You made it this far thanks to a world class choke job by the Titans and dominating the Dolphins. Based on what we saw last week, did anyone think Joe could make a play against the Steeler defense? If Philip Rivers couldn’t why would Joe?
• Willis McGahee just got crushed by a Steeler defender and is getting carted off. Hope for the best. My un-medical opinion is that his head didn’t whip or anything. Hopefully just concussed.
• He seemed to be moving his arms at least when they put him on the cart, so that is good sign.
• As the final insult, McGahee also fumbled so the Steelers have the last 3:15 to burn off the clock. What was one giant French-fry sandwich fueled party a few minutes ago is pretty subdued now.
• Another interception on the last minute drive by the Ravens. Time for a big Ben victory formation and the Terrible Towel is off to Tampa.

That is it for me. Thanks for joining us for the AFC title game.

See you next week as we start previewing the Steelers / Cardinals Super Bowl.

In Bill Simmons’ The Book of Basketball he notes a list of what he considers the biggest What-if’s in NBA history. Despite 3 years of work and over 700 written pages though, he never finds the time to answer the most important NBA question of all time: how do you actually pronounce the name of Nikoloz Tskitishvili?

This week, for the THH, we are taking inspiration from Bill, and playing a what-if game with the Divisional round match-ups. With a final four games that include the Cowboys, Brett Favre, a New York team and the Chargers it is hard to find teams to cheer on using a standard hierarchy of hate. However, it turns out if you look hard enough at each match-up you see a what-if question begging to be freed. Well, we decided to free them and help you figure out who to cheer on in games where you don’t really like either team <cough>Vikings-Cowboys<cough>. It just so happens that each of these match-ups have a gem of a question buried in them like a pearl in an oyster. Or, more accurately, a pearl in the poop of a dog that got into mommy’s jewelry box. Sometimes the match-ups work out just too good to be true. Well, at least for THH.

Anyway, this week we attempt to tackle these unknowable questions related to each match-up and use the answer to determine our rooting interests. Because, when all else fails, make up arbitrary reasons to cheer against the Cowb…I mean these teams.

Turner: Turner is stressed…. this posting is not a reflection of my love for the THH.  I will return, please stay with me through this time of mis-prioritization.  I hope the Shadow and SD can make my life whole again soon.

Shadow: Interesting notes about this weekend’s games:  I am not sure if there are some sort of anti-scalping rules or something in San Diego, but on Stub Hub, here are the most expensive ticket packages for the upcoming games:  Cards/Saints:  $12,353.   Ravens/Colts:  $27,780.  Cowboys/Vikings:  $45,413.  Jets/Chargers:  $2000.    I found it interesting anyway.  Before we get to the hate, here is who I would be betting on in Vegas in my order of confidence in the bets:  Colts, Chargers, Vikings, Saints.  Also, one other note, I finally took a look at SuperDave’s Oktoberfest pictures, and all I can say is that I really think an offseason blogpost is going to be necessary to recap the debauchery seen in the photo evidence.  I would also be remiss if I didn’t at least mention that I am happy that Iowa finally won a BCS game, and did so in pretty convincing fashion with a stifling defense (even if it does help to have a month to prepare for the option attack).  Finally, I was scrolling through previous blog posts, and I found this from Super Dave’s 4th of July missive of things he is glad he is allowed to think since we live in America:  “That they could all get ‘Brady-ed’ in the first quarter of the first game and Colt McCoy, Sam Bradford and Tim Tebow would still be the top three vote-getters for the Heisman.”  Holy crap, SuperDavestradamus, I think you basically predicted the Bradford and Mccoy injuries last July.  Prescient indeed.

Cowboys @ Vikings: Who is the better team in the early 1990’s – IF the Herschel Walker trade doesn’t happen? That is who you root for.

SD: This trade is generally credited with providing the key blocks that built the Cowboys mini-dynasty of the mid 1990’s. This trade led directly to the drafting of Emmitt Smith, Darren Woodson, Alvin ‘Freaky’ Harper and the greatest business boom the drug dealers and prostitutes of Dallas have ever seen. In hindsight this trade looks ridiculous but it is forgotten now that this Vikings team had been a perennial playoff team and truly felt it was one player from breaking the Forty-Niner NFC title monopoly. I guess in a way, they were right – the trade did break the monopoly. However, even after the trade the Vikings still only had one sub-.500 record in the 1990’s. Add back in all the players and draft picks they handed to the Cowboys and it is pretty clear that they would have been better than a Cowboy team with Jimmy Johnson’s haircut, Troy Aikman, Michael Irvin and piles of strippers and cocaine. But then we wouldn’t have gotten Boys Will be Boys and we would all be losers. Go Vikings.

Turner: If the Herschel Walker trade doesn’t happen then there is no Cowboys dynasty with the triplets and the Purple People eaters probably have a much better chance of success in the Randy Moss era.  Oh the thought of the Cowboys being just terribly awful in the wake of Jimmy Johnson.  Probably more titles for my Niners, oh this lost possibility gives me such joy.  So The Favrearians go forward in this one and send Jerry back to the off-season plastic surgeon. 

Shadow: Who would have been better sans Herschel trade?  Interesting.  But inevitably, a pretty easy call.  Part of what Dallas ends up with, by bargaining with picks from Minnesota is being able to trade up and get Emmit.  As anyone who has watched the NFL knows the surest route to offensive success will be through a stud running back.  Sure there are outliers where a superstar QB in the right system with average running backs can succeed (Brady).  Herschel was a stud in his day, but I do not think the Cowboys would have enjoyed the success in the early 90′s without the 3rd of the “Big 3″.  In fact, imagine if you will a bizarro world where the trade never happens and the Vikings draft Emmitt in 1990.  I think the Vikes would have ended up the better team so I will root for them.

Jets @ Chargers: There was a 2005 playoff game featuring these two teams. Both of the coaches in that game have become coaching punch lines. If you owned the Bills today and had only those two coaches to choose from to hire next year, which one would you. That is the team you cheer on.

SD: For the record this is Marty Schottenheimer and Herm Edwards. The obvious pick in this is Schottenheimer due to have been relatively consistent success. But he also always had talent to play with. Really, the period when he didn’t have talent – his last season in Kansas City, his one year in Washington and his first couple in San Diego he went 27- 37. However with Marty’s less than stellar playoff record, I am going with Herm Edwards. After four Super Bowl losses and the wrong end of the Music City Miracle I can’t bring myself to inflict more playoff pain to Bills fans. Better to let them stay mired in mediocrity. Of course maybe their problem is that they were never properly instructed as to why they play football. Herm can fix that too. J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets

Turner: Herman Edwards vs. Marty Schottenheimer.  Gun please. I guess I’m rooting for the J-E-T-S JETS, JETS, JETS.  If I’m the Buffalo Bills, I’d have to go Herman on this one.  Marty is the epicenter of loser-ville, he never could win the big game. Plus Herman is such a better tv commentator then Marty ever will be.  Lastly if you hire Marty, then you also get his son which given the Tennessee situation, having father / son coaching staffs really never works.  I’d rather just go back to Marv Levy or Barry Switzer.

Shadow: For me this one is easy as well.  I always admired Marty Schottenheimer, even if he seized up more in big games than even Bob Stoops.  The only thing I really ever liked about Herm Edwards was that he bolted the Jets for the Chiefs, which I saw as a bad omen for the Chiefs, mainly because of how much my friend Rob actually loved the move and was salivating over Herm coaching the Chiefs.  I mean, he may be an okay coach, but it is the Chiefs….of the Aughts.  Not exactly a team of destiny.  I would hire Marty to coach my Bills, and thus I root for the (gag) Chargers.  Stupid THH rules.

Ravens @ Colts: If the Colts never move from Baltimore – which of these teams has a better record – Baltimore Colts or Cleveland Browns? Do things turn out the exact same way?  The better team is the one you cheer for.

SD: I’m sure I could have done a bunch of research to see how and if the rosters of these teams change in any way if the Colts don’t leave Baltimore and the Ravens remain the Cleveland Browns. However that is not the THH way. Let me just put it this way: The Fumble and The Drive only happened to one of these teams. Assuming Peyton Manning doesn’t pull a John Elway and refuse to play in Baltimore or that an allergic reaction to crabcakes didn’t lead to drafting Ryan Leaf, then you have to assume the Colts would be and are the better team.

Turner: I don’t have enough energy for this one to dig into so I’m going to answer the Baltimore Colts.  Reasons: 1) the ESPN 30 for 30 series about the Band that Played on. That was just great.  They would be worth 10 more wins alone.  Secondly, we continue down the legacy of Marty and the fact that it is Cleveland. 

Shadow: There is no way the Man-Thug they have taken to calling Sugar Ray looks intimidating at all in the Cleveland “brown” uniform.  That alone assures that the Colts staying in Baltimore would have had more success.  Of course, had they stayed in Baltimore, Peyton would have held out after the draft and demanded a trade to Oakland, and good god, that would have been abysmal (note:  I chose the Raiders because they had the 4th pick in the draft, which is the same position the Broncos had in 83 when Elway held out…there is absolutely no basis for this correlation, but this is a blog, so just go with it.)  I take the Colts.

Cardinals @ Saints: Both of these quarterbacks lost their jobs to a member of the class of 2004 and subsequently left that team. Let’s assume those draft picks never occur. Which of the following would be the most successful today and why: one of the teams that had these QBs (Giants with Warner, Chargers with Brees) or one of these organizations without the QB (Cardinals – no Warner or Saints – no Brees). That most successful organization/quarterback is who you cheer on.

SD: You can pretty quickly eliminate two of the four teams under consideration. Would a Giants team with Kurt Warner be under consideration? Please. Not sure whether it was the dry desert air or the feeling of starting over with a wife that went from having a grey buzzcut to long blonde hair but Kurt’s game fundamentally changed when he got to Arizona. The poor New Orleans Saints (if they were actually still in New Orleans) without Drew Brees would be the same team they were before. Which, in case you have forgotten was not good. That leaves Drew Brees on the current Chargers team versus this Cardinals team led by Matt Leinart. You have to love a QB best known for sleeping with Paris Hilton, random community college co-eds and Nick Lachey but as much as I hate to say it, I don’t think there is any drop off for the Chargers if Brees is still in San Diego instead of Philip Rivers. Therefore I go with Brees and the Saints. March on boys.

Turner: I really have no idea what the hell SuperDave’s scenario here is.  Seems like multiple options and choices. This is one of those A, B, C, D, or All of the Above. There is a reason I failed the SAT.  I think based on the criteria the Saints will easily win this one.

If the Chargers had kept Brees, they would be completely unstoppable (or will have been for year since I’m not sure these Chargers are stoppable), but there would have been no bad years.  The Giants with Warner would have meant that Warner would have no longer been in the league because he would have been killed in the NFC East.  Geaux Saints…

(I think?)

Shadow: Warner had forgotten how to make quick decisions at the end of his tenure in East Rutherford and would have ended up in Coughlin’s doghouse and benched anyway, so no way it is the Giants.  The Cardinals…..what good are Boldin, Fitzgerald, Breaston, et al, if you have only the likes of Josh Mcnown or Matt Leinert throwing them the ball.  Enough said.  The Saints?  Seriously, the Saints?  I am not sure they survive as a franchise without Brees.  Without Brees they may have ended up in L.A.  That leaves the Chargers.  Let’s see.  HOF RB in place?  Check.  A man-child at TE who can’t be covered by a LB.  Present.  One could argue that the Chargers may actually be better with Brees than they have been with Rivers.  Kind of like how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop….the world will never know.  But out of those 4 choices, I think it is easy to see that Brees would have made the Chargers the class act.  Sh*t.  That makes two times SD has forced me to say good things about the Bolts.  Dammit.  It’s the Saints in this one.

Wednesday night I went to see Anthony Bourdain give a speech. Getting to see one of my heroes in life in person was great as he was everything I hoped for – funny, sarcastic, bitter, eloquent and hateful toward anyone and everyone associated with the Food Network. All in all it was everything I could have hoped for, short of him asking me be his companion on his next trip. Wait that came out wrong.

Or did it?

Anyway, the more interesting part of the night was when he opened the floor to questions from the audience. What we quickly realized (meaning me and the Mrs., not me and Anthony, as far as I know) was that the people asking questions seemed to be much more interested in talking about themselves than actually asking a question. I am pretty pathetic in my hero worship of people I admire (just wait until I go to the Bill Simmons book signing tonight) but to see these people waste the time of hundreds of strangers just to take a moment to tell Bourdain about themselves was pathetic and to be honest a little depressing. Whether it was that they just came in from Napa, are off to Italy or that they have a restaurant Tony has to visit all these people felt the need to speechify as much as actually ask a real question to Tony. Do any of us really care about you? Does Tony? Tony has been in my life for about 9 years now (this isn’t getting any better is it?) and I found it humorous to see all these people try and impress them with their…credentials. If there is anyone that would be at best unimpressed or at worst disgusted by people espousing their life story to try and impress him it is Tony. Beside, whose life is so pathetic that making announcement to try and impress strangers is the highlight of their week?

Isn’t that what writing on the internet is for?

On to this week’s THH. Turner and the Shadow were unable to join this week as they too are suffering post-Vegas. Only their illness is called ‘work and family’.

Let’s hope they recover soon.

College

NC State @ Va Tech

SD: This week for the college games I decide to go with what I am calling ‘The Danny Bonaduce Bowl’. Both match-ups are of schools that seem to have lower profile than their in-state neighbors. I know in the world of football Va Tech is bigger and better than UVA but for the rest of the world and the rest of the year, VT is just the sad little brother to Thomas Jefferson’s school. NC State not only sits in the shadow of UNC but also in the shadow of those insufferable Dookies. Remember the movie Titanic and the people called ‘steerage’ – all those people in the bowels of the ship, who drowned behind locked gates at each exit? In the hierarchy of North Carolina colleges, those people are the NC State Wolfpack. That is much sadder than being the school that inflicted the Vick family crime wave on all of us. Go Pack.

Oregon State @ Washington State

SD: I guess this one is really more for the other guys. As you may remember I am a beaver legacy – which nearly as dirty as it sounds since my dad went to OSU. Last week in Vegas I realized too late that I could lay down a parlay on the alma maters of my entire immediate family (Oregon State, Missouri, Wyoming and FSU) and it would have paid. In fact I could have laid down a money line bet on all four schools and won. Instead I did stupid things like analyzing the lines of all the games and betting on the teams that I thought most likely to cover. Obviously that didn’t work out – Vegas has been doing this a little longer than I have. Just stupid. But even they can’t account for the power of the family. I won’t make that mistake two weeks in a row. OOOOO SSSSS UUUU Oregon State, fight, fight, fight.

UPDATE: Since Turner and Shadow were unable to join, let’s just assume they are rooting for the Beavers. There is low-brow beaver joke here I am choosing to ignore. I am better than that.

 NFL:

Indianapolis @ Baltimore

SD: In the NFL, this week we have two match-ups of teams that have a common foundation. The Colts started in Baltimore before sneaking away to Indianapolis in the middle of the night in 1984. Not exactly sure what the Irsay family saw in Indianapolis. Guess they are bigger fans of corn than crab. Maybe Kerouac had some good things to say about it in On The Road (full disclosure: I haven’t finished On The Road, I know, it is shameful but I did go visit Bobby’s scroll when it was on exhibit here in Denver). Anyway, I probably like the Colts team better, but you gotta root for Baltimore in this one. Only a cold, heartless jerk would root for the abandoner over the abandonee. That means there is only person rooting for the Colts: Mark Mangino.

Tennessee @ Houston

SD: As I slide ever closer to middle-age I find myself becoming one of those annoying old men that always thinks how it was is always better than how it is. You know those men as ‘sportswriters’. Anyway, I still remember the powder blue unis of the old Oilers. Warren Moon leading the run-and-shoot with those many anonymous tiny receivers (Haywood Jeffries, anyone?). Those were classic teams, even if they drove me nuts when they played my Broncos. These Texan teams? Umm, not so much. So, with a nod to Earl Campbell, Warren Moon, Lorenzo White and Drew Hill, I am going with the Titans.

After weeks of living with a Goldilocks Principle offense (just enough running, just enough passing), the Broncos ended up with a cold bowl of porridge at Baltimore this weekend.

The Ravens – a talented team coming in with 3 straight losses  – simply played harder and hungrier than the Broncos. The defense for at least one week, again looked like the defense that announcers expect every time the Ravens take the field. They were fast and aggressive. The Broncos were neither. Ray Lewis and his compatriots played like they were outside a night club at the Super Bowl in Atlanta. And this time, the Broncos were the ones that ended the night with a knife in their stomach.  

While the final score is a little deceiving, it isn’t the Broncos defense that is the big concern to me. One TD came on a kick return (the Broncos special teams has been about as special as Johnny Knoxville in the Ringer this year) and the defense was able to keep in check Joe Flacco, whose game has grown more in the last year than his eyebrows,  who came into the game with three 300-yard games already this season.  If the Broncos had been able to get Ray Rice down on first contact, this game would have as high scoring as that 6-3 Browns Bills crapfest of a couple weeks ago. 

The real difference in this game was the disappearance of the Broncos offense.

Beyond the simple fact that the Ravens played harder than the Broncos, the Ravens defense were also better prepared and came in with a gameplan for the evolving ‘velociraptor’ offense of the Broncos. It was almost like they knew exactly what to do to beat this offense.

When I was thinking back about this game a few hours later, trying to come up with something to say that was interesting and witty and not involving Brett Favre I made a realization. The Ravens didn’t invent a new way to beat the Broncos offense. They just used a blueprint that has been there for nearly two years.

Quite simply, they used the Giants blueprint for beating the Patriots in Super Bowl XLII.

Remember back to that game when the Patriots were looking at going 19-0 and cementing their status as the greatest team – and greatest offense – of all time. The Giants, with a strong defensive line of Michael Strahan, Osi Umenyiora and Justin Tuck swarmed, pressured and dismantled the prolific Patriots attack.

The weak link all season for that Patriots had been a less than stellar running game. By bringing a full 8 players in the box, the Giants stifled any running game and then pinned their ears back and put the all-out rush on Brady.

NOTE: Is it just me or is ‘pin their ears back’ the lamest cliché in all of sport? What does it even mean? Where did it come from? What or who once actually pinned their ears back? And yet, I still used it and your read it and understood it. We are just victims of the machine my friends.

With the hard rush on, Brady didn’t have adequate time to wait for receivers to get open downfield, so he was forced to throw underneath.

Is this starting to sound familiar? Isn’t it sounding a little like yesterday?

So, what do the Broncos do now? While the blueprint is now known on how to beat them, the next question is how many teams have the personnel to do it? Frighteningly one answer to that question is: their next opponent – the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Can the Broncos offensive line do enough against the Steelers to get a running game going and slow the pass rush a little? Can McDaniels come up with a scheme to exploit a too-aggressive pass rush?

Let’s hope josh finds a microwave to get that porridge re-heated before next Monday night.