Last year, in the inaugural ‘Doubling Down’ series, I had a shockingly successful run in picking both halftime and full time playoff games against the spread.  So let’s try it again and see if it was a fluke or if I should sell my home, move to Vegas and drive hookers around in a brand new Mercedes.

I think we all should stand up today and thank the University of Clemson.

We all face pressure every day. We all want to do our best when thrust in the spotlight. We all grow up dreaming of catching the winning touchdown pass, making the game winning shot or landing that perfect triple-lutz to steal the ice-skating gold from that Russian bitch who totally doesn’t deserve it but got great scores from the French judge because of some backroom deal even though she put that hand down on her last jump….umm…I think I’ve said too much.

But sadly most of us will not do any of those things. Most of us will endure mediocre athletic careers that see many more failures than successes. And even successes that can’t measure up to our lofty childhood dreams.

This is why we owe Clemson big thanks today. While many of us will fail to achieve our goals, almost none of us will fail as spectacularly or as publicly as Clemson did in the Orange Bowl last night.

We have seen a new bottom, and it isn’t us.

Go forth with head held high, knowing no matter what you do today, someone has done something significantly worse.

NY Giants vs. Atlanta

Halftime: NY Giants (-2)

Full Game: NY Giants (-3)

I really don’t want to pick this Giants team.

(What’s with all of the ‘this team’ stuff? Why am I suddenly the Jon Gruden of little read corners of the internet?)

A few years ago, I mercilessly mocked the Giants for even making the playoffs and spent countless words comparing Eli Manning to the kid from Dazed and Confused that is always pinching the bridge of his nose for no reason. They responded to my taunts by winning 3 road playoff games and then pulling off the greatest upset in Super Bowl history, so I like to think I did my part to usher in Michael Strahan’s retirement.

You are welcome.

This Giants team (SEE?? AGAIN!), reminds me a lot of that team. Underwhelming performance (they lost to the Redskins 3 weeks ago!! And the announcers keep saying that they are ‘peaking’!). A hit or miss running game. Defense that can dominate or disappear. Eli “I always look like I would rather be at an amusement park” Manning under center.

I could see them winning by 4 touchdowns or losing by 3. If I were in Vegas I wouldn’t touch this game with Justin Blackmon’s infected ‘thigh’. But I am committed to making picks, so I will take the Giants at both halftime and over the full game for 2 reasons.

1 – That 2007 team. Those who don’t remember the past…and all that

2 – The Falcons still have Tony Gonzalez who is genetically incapable of winning a playoff game or being criticized by the media. Where Shannon Sharpe helped win games by sheer force of personality, Tony seems to lose games the same way. Never count on Tony (or Matt Ryan, or Michael Turner) to come through in the clutch. Especially on the road.

Sorry Eli, at least one more week before you get to go ride the Tea Cups again.

Denver vs. Pittsburgh

Halftime: Pittsburgh (-5.5)

Full Game: Pittsburgh (-8.5)

And so it ends where it all began – my hometown Broncos.

We are here because for weeks on end, Tebow was able to perform magic tricks that would have impressed David Blaine (“elevation – PFFFT – try knocking the ball out of a runner’s hand without getting near him!”).

Unfortunately, Tebow strapped on a straightjacket and blindfold and locked himself in a box filled with water 3 weeks ago. The struggle stopped 2 weeks ago and the bubbles stopped on Sunday. The magic is over and we are left with a carcass getting riper by the week.

But – lo, I just saw the body twitch. The straps on the straightjacket appear to be coming undone. There may be a little life left in that body after all.

Big Ben comes in limping. Mendenhall is out for the season. Ryan Clark can’t play at altitude. The Steelers are the better team but they aren’t a dominant team.

The Patriots dominated the Broncos by capitalizing on mistakes and with an overwhelming offensive show. Frankly, the Steelers don’t have an offense like that (see: Week 17; 13 points scored at Cleveland where they spot you 3 points if you make it to the stadium on time).

Will the Steelers win? Yes, most likely – the Chiefs just won in Denver. Will they win by more than 8.5 (or higher, spread has been climbing up to near 10)? I don’t think so.

Take the Steelers and give the points at half (7-0, 14-7, etc.). Take the Broncos and the points for the full game (14-7, 17-10, 17-14).

The magician may not make it out of that water-tight box, but he will come awfully close.

I created this week’s THH theme a couple days ago before events far beyond the football field made it become even more appropriate.

I am not an Apple junkie. I have never owned an Apple computer. I don’t own an iPad; only partially because it sounds like a tampon from a Will Smith movie. I have never owned an iPhone but have owned nearly all of its smart phone competitors – from a Treo to 2 separate Windows phones to my current Droid. I do own an iPod (as if there is an alternative music player) but it is about 5 years old and holds no more than a gigabyte of music.

But even if those of us that don’t light candles on the Genius Bar must acknowledge Steve Jobs. In an era where businesses focus on cutting costs and strive to be the 2^nd entrant to a market (after the leader has taken the arrows from the locals), Jobs focused Apple not on making products to compete. He created objects to change the game.

While Apple products aren’t necessarily the most perfectly developed (see: the 437 versions of iPhones released) or technologically advanced, they can all be described with one descriptor.

They are all elegantly simple.

Jobs’ genius didn’t lay in inventing new products – his genius lay in taking existing products and making them simpler to use and nicer to look at. You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but you can tell an Apple product by its casing.

As the world becomes flat, China takes over the international markets like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man in Ghostbusters and companies are literally shipping their innovation to the cheapest offshore location, it was always nice to know that out there on the picturesque peninsula south of San Francisco, Jobs wasn’t just trying to cut costs, he was trying to find ways to improve our lives while becoming obscenely rich – truly the American dream.

I was certainly not Jobs’ ideal customer – I have no desire to sleep on the sidewalk for the opportunity to spend $600 on the newest technological gadget – but I still tip my hat to a man who may be the last in the line of true American iconoclastic inventors that started with Thomas Edison.

I like to think that Steve would appreciate this week’s THH. We are looking at 8 teams whose name is anything but Apple-esque. Where simplicity counts for everything, the convoluted naming convention would be banished. While Steve and his compatriots may have hated all of these teams, our task today is to find the even more disagreeable.

Fittingly accompanied by ‘You’ by TV on the Radio – played on my iPod.

Shadow: I must be getting old.   Used to be able to stay up all night playing Final Fantasy VII, sleep for 2.5 hours, drink some Mountain Dew and be right back at it.  Now…you just give me a couple of 16 hour days in a conference room filled with the combined funk of 30 variable bodies rotating in and out over the course of the day mixed with the lingering aroma from haphazardly consumed takeout meals and I am done in.  Physically and mentally drained.  But not too tired to turn in a THH entry for the week.

Theme: Teams with location-confusing names. Which team has better rationale for using a confusing name

College (State schools but named after cities)

Boise State v Fresno State

SD: Some people hate people from a different ethnic groups, countries or class of society. There are people that even hate a different region or state in their own country (though in defense most of those people hate Texas, which totally makes sense). I don’t have those problems, I focus my hate on a different group: State schools whose name is based on the city where they are located. This is not ancient Greece, filled with City-States. This is America. And in America there is no state named Boise. No state named Fresno. Those are cities inside states. No wonder our kids are so bad at Geography. Schools of higher learning don’t even know the difference between a city and a state, so how can we expect a 5th grader to know the capital city of the state of North Dakota (Bismarck – and I didn’t even google it). However, in this match-up of dysfunctional teams, I will side with Fresno. Setting asides Fresno State’s slightly odd obsession with the valley where it is located, at least California has other cities. In a state as big and diverse as California, the residents of Fresno probably do feel like their own little state. Outside of potato farms, ski resorts and bi-curious Senators what does Idaho have outside of Boise? Boise is Idaho. Quit trying to be uppity and differentiate yourselves from the rest of your state Broncos.

Shadow: We all know that both Turner and I have spent loads of time in the town with the Smurf turf.  It’s also kind of an important city in the state, what with it being the capital and all.  All of these could be reasons to justify its use of ‘State’…but you have forgotten one thing.  And, that one thing is this:  www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_dSjQ1qKrw   It may be a city in the middle of the California nowhere….but if someone goes to the trouble of classifying a “Fresno State of Mind”….that school wins.

Pittsburgh v Rutgers

SD: Pitt has done such a fine job of disassociating itself from its state that I actually thought Pittsburgh was a private school like the University of Denver or the University of Miami until I started researching this theme. Beyond a grudging admiration for the cloaking done by the Panthers I will go with them here for the same reason I went with Fresno. At least there are other cities and schools in Pennsylvania. Rutgers is THE state university of New Jersey – yet doesn’t seem to want to admit it. You hear the name of the river it sits next to more often than the state where it resides. Take pride in your state Rutgers. Just because New Jersey is the Jan Brady between New York’s Marsha (for its attractions and self regard) and Pennsylvania’s Cindy (for holding some promise but getting lost in the shuffle with the rest of the family), doesn’t mean you can’t take pride in your particular place in this world. You don’t see pro teams based in New Jersey pretending they aren’t form there, do yo…..oh. Nevermind.

Shadow: It is kind of hard to compete with the likes of a Penn or a Penn State.  While Pitt toils in the shadows of its bigger brethren in the state, with possibly a bit of an inferiority complex, what real choice did Jersey have?  Do any of these names roll off your tongue:  New Jersey State University?  UofNJ?  They were screwed.  Inability to create an acceptable sounding acronym is clear rationale for just naming your school for a war hero and calling it good.

NFL (Teams not named after the city/state where they are located)

Arizona @ Minnesota

SD: Marketing firms and focus groups were the end of good sports team names. Where once political incorrectness (Redskins), regional pride (Cowboys) and out-of-control egotism (Browns) created team names, as time went on names were chosen to maximize their appeal to as broad a customer base as possible. Team colors are chosen that resonate with specially selected focus group participants (i.e. the only people dumb enough or having so little else going on that they are willing to join a focus group) and we end up with 4 new teams with teal or purple as primary colors in a 5 year stretch (Marlins, Rockies, Jaguars, Panthers, Diamondbacks). But nowhere is this more prevalent than the choosing of a state name rather than a city. Hoping to build loyalty throughout their home states we get the Colorado Rockies – who have yet to play a game in Grand Junction – and the Florida Marlins, who play an 9 hour drive from some Florida residents. We also get the Minnesota Vikings and Arizona Cardinals. I pick the Vikings here. I suspect, given the twin-cities where they are based, that the Vikings chose ‘Minnesota’ so as not to have to pick between Minneapolis and St. Paul or, worse, the ungodly hyphenate Minneapolis-St. Paul Vikings. However Arizona has no excuse but the cult of inclusiveness. The oldest Arizona based professional team – the Suns  – has survived being identified with a single city and still garners the most ardent fans in the state. I say that isn’t a coincidence.

Shadow: Why bother limiting yourself to a single city when you can try and endear yourself to an entire state?  But let’s look a little closer and see these corrected names.  The Phoenix Cardinals versus the Minneapolis Vikings.  On the one hand, we have two birds (all right, one is mythical).  That is kind of like a double negative.  On the other hand, we are mishmashing Native American, Greek, and the Norse.  Exactly which demographic are you going for there?  In the end, we will side with Minnesota, since we are pretty sure the Cardinals ownership will do anything for a buck…and would eventually rename the team the University of Phoenix Cardinals, and confuse people everywhere into wondering why a college team is playing in the NFL.

NY Jets @ New England

SD: What is better: out-right falsehood or ambiguity to the point of uselessness? If you asked a foreigner to drive to the home stadium for each of these teams without a map, how long would it take him? He could spend days driving all over New York state. He could spend a week driving through all of the states that make up New England. The odds of him stumbling across the New York Jets in New Jersey and the New England Patriots in Foxborough, Massachusetts are pretty slim. While both of these names bother me, I guess I have to begrudgingly go with the Patriots. At least their name is true. New England isn’t very specific or helpful, but at least it isn’t out-right deception.

Shadow: The Patriots…..in true Bellicheat fashion, aren’t even satisfied with a state, they are going to claim a whole freaking region of the country.  Both the Jets and the Giants share the same sin of housing themselves across the river…but let’s be serious, have you seen the tax rate in New York?  I can’t really blame them.  Normally I would have expected myself to be using the word gluttony to describe Rex Ryan literally shutting down a Fogo De Chao….but in this case, I just can’t support the Pats pretending to represent 17 different states (that statement may be exaggerated).

Just in time for your fooball Sunday, the Shadow comes through with his THH for week #1.

Finally, the glorious return of football tonight, coming down to the final play, and that means the glorious return of THH.  This offseason has given us plenty to hate:  the brief, but also too long, NFL Lockout, crappy second-rate superhero movies (Green Lantern), and the fact that Friday Night Lights will go down as one of the most underappreciated shows in TV History.  While those were all worthwhile outlets for hate, it is going to be good to get back to the bread and butter of THH.

College 

Stanford versus Duke:  I think I would probably rather watch a game with ol’ Rooster Cogburn himself than Stanford.  Red Foxx was always good for some laughs, but I was more partial to ‘Son’.

 Wofford versus Clemson:  Wow.  A weird frugal preacher dude who reminds me of Edgar Allen Poe, or a person who when you look at his picture just screams, “Old South Confederate”.  I just can’t get behind watching football with a man of the cloth.  Guess I better learn how to do a rebel yell.

 NFL

Steelers vs Ravens:  Whoops.  Guess I should have kept my Edgar Allen Poe reference for this match-up.  I appreciate literary call-outs as much as the next guy, but I just can’t support picking names through democracy and polls.  If we have learned anything from this life, it is that when you leave the decision in the hands of the masses, you end up with the following travesties:  Taylor Hicks, George W. Bush, and of course, Proposition 8.  The Steelers mascot, on the other hand, just oozes lower middle class blue collar-ness….and that is just how I like it.

 Seahawks vs 49ers:  For a person who majored in History in college (man has that degree really opened doors for me!), I have to go with Turner’s Niners here.  Just like the Steel industry is an apropos backdrop for Pittsburgh’s team, it is safe to say that without the gold rush of 1849, there might not have been an NFL team in San Fran.  Plus, when I put ‘Gold Rush’ into Google, this is the first image that came up.  Game, set, match.

With the first week of football I should be feeling a lot of emotions: excitement, joy, contentment, hunger.

Instead I feel shame.

For the first time in the 4 plus years of writing for this site, a football weekend went by without a Hierarchy of Hate to guide how you should direct your cheering efforts. I have no excuse. I simply forgot. Time got away from me. I had other things to write about. The cat ate my network connection.

Whatever. There are no legitimate excuses. I failed you. I imagine someone sitting on their couch with a Go Ducks t-shirt and Geaux Tigers sign, rapidly refreshing the site, unsure of which to wave on Saturday night, yearning to know how the number of coffee shops in Baton Rouge and Eugene compare and thus who to pull for.

All I can offer at this point is my humble apologies. And a promise.

To the fans and everybody in profootballblogger Nation, I’m sorry. I’m extremely sorry. We were hoping for an undefeated season. That was my goal, something we have never done here. I promise you one thing, a lot of good will come out of this. You will never see any blogger in the entire country write as hard as I will write the rest of the season. You will never see someone push the rest of the THH team as hard as I will push everybody the rest of the season. You will never see a team write harder than we will the rest of the season.God Bless.

On to this week’s inaugural 2011 picks.

We decided to ring in the 2011 season we would go back to the beginning.

Not the beginning of THH. The beginnings of each team.

Unfortunately Turner and the Shadow can’t join us this week as they both had to have neck surgery today with an eye toward being back in the game before the end of the seas….what’s that? Oh, that was Peyton Manning? Then, yeah they are just both slackers.

I apparently have a lot of work to do to fulfill that promise.

College: Which university namesake would you most want to watch a game with?

Stanford vs Duke

SD: Leland Stanford was a railroad tycoon and politician. The Duke family had grown wealthy by growing tobacco and gave so much money to a local school it was renamed after them. I have had many goals in life (win an Olympic gold medal, win a fishing tournament, live in a houseboat behind McCovey Cove) but one of them is to be referred to as a Tycoon. As a history/business geek I have read several books about the early 1900’s when the country was run by a small band of rich, ruthless men who were always referred to as tycoons. It is such a perfect descriptor. With six simple letters you can call someone a rich, powerful asshole. That is efficiency. I may not have wanted to work for old Leland back in the day but give me a tycoon over tobacco barons any day.

Wofford vs Clemson

SD: Wofford is named after Reverend Benjamin Wofford a local Methodist Minister. Thomas Clemson married the daughter of former Vice President John Calhoun and inherited the land on which Clemson now stands from the Calhoun family. So Wofford was a local reverend who wanted to do good for his neighborhood while Clemson was a guy who lived in Paris while young, married into a rich, powerful family, out-lived the entire family, completely eclipsed that family in the country’s shared memory and then donated their land to start the school with the 2^nd best looking co-eds in the ACC. This contest is more one-sided than the game will be. Thomas Clemson might be my new hero in life.

NFL: Which mascot do you think best represents its hometown city?

Steelers vs Ravens

SD: The Steelers are obviously named for the local steel industry which means if they wanted to be truly authentic, they would be in the process of relocating to Guangzhou, China. On the contrary, the Ravens are a reference to the famous story written by Baltimore native Edgar Allan Poe. Of course, if a Raven were seen in Baltimore today, it would be shot by one of the cities criminals popularized by the TV show The Wire. Or one of the criminals that plays football for the local team. Either way, the bird would be dead and Jason Whitlock would spend a 1,000 words telling us why the dead bird is a metaphor for The Wire being more important than any book ever written. Whatever Jason. I still like books. Especially, in comparison to molten metal. Go Ravens.

Seahawks vs 49ers

The 49ers are named for the gold miners that swarmed northern California after a mother lode was discovered in 1849. The Seahawks are named after…hawks…that…like…live…near the sea…or something. Frankly, I spent the majority of 3 years in Seattle and never saw anything remotely resembling a sea hawk. Other than the homeless junkie that lived on the stairs near my hotel that bore a striking resemblance to Charlie Whitehurst. If the Seattle football team wants to name themselves after a fictional animal maybe they could have picked a fiercer animal. Like a Griffin. Or a Liger. Or a Unicorn. At least we have historical proof of the 49ers existence. And I bet some of them even became gold tycoons. Awesome. Go Niners.

We are just 2 short days away from a new NFL season, there is a touch of cool in the air, and Bret Favre is still sitting on a farm doing anything his wife asks in the hopes she forgets about all of that Jenn Sterger sexting. Today is a good day.

It is also time for me to unveil my picks to win each conference and the eventual Super Bowl champion. While I would typically pause here to note that my prediction is as meaningless as all other predictions and should therefore be used for entertainment purposes only, that is no longer the case.

Last year I picked the Green Bay Packers to win the Super Bowl before the season and then over the course of the playoffs proceeded to go 13-9 in my picks (both first half and full game against the spread).

I’m basically exactly like Jimmy the Greek, less all of the racism and sexism, so you can take what I have to say as the TRUTH, and feel comfortable betting your life savings on it.

Actually don’t do that.

Really. Really. Don’t.

AFC East

There are 2 separate and equally fascinating races in the AFC East. First, between the Patriots and Jets to see who wins the AFC East title. Second, between the Dolphins and Bills for worst record and first opportunity to draft Andrew Luck. I am actually a little more intrigued by the 2^nd race, but that is for another day. I actually believe the Jets will find a way to win the AFC East this year. Part of that is derived from Mark Sanchez having another year under center, his inexplicable ability to win games he shouldn’t, the continued focus on putting more and better weapons around him and his dreamy gaze on the cover of this month’s GQ. I go weak in the knees when faced with his heart melting smile. I am also starting to think that Bill Belichick is trying to recreate late career Mike Shanahan. His ego tells him that because of earlier success he can do anything and be right. He doesn’t address glaring weaknesses (receivers). He brings in malcontents and believes his unique power is enough to control them (Ochocinco, Haynesworth) and his aging team’s playoff performance gets worse every year.

AFC East Winner:  Jets 11-5

Wild Card:  Patriots 10-6

AFC North

The AFC North makes me sad. I want things to change in the AFC North. I really do. I have spent 2 days trying to come up with a rationale for why the Steelers will falter or at least a joke about Roethlisberger raping someone. I can’t find one. Ben even got married! Until he has a late career Favre-ian scandal with a young woman we may not even have Big Ben jokes to make anymore. Sad, sad day. The Ravens tread water every year and try to get better to compete with the Steelers but never quite make it. They are the Kourtney Kardashian of the AFC North – not bad in her own right, but always playing 2^nd fiddle to her more famous sibling with a devious sexual past. This would mean that the Browns are Khloe Kardashian– not on the same level as her sisters but gaining some fame over the last year thanks to a new acquisition (yes, I just equated Lamar Odom to Colt McCoy and Peyton Hillis). I guess that makes the Bengals, Bruce Jenner. Both had success many, many years ago but are now just sad, hollow shells of their former selves. Though in fairness, Bruce has had more work done to improve his appearances than the Bengals have.

Winner: Steelers 12-4

Wild Card: Ravens 10-6

AFC South

Can we just skip this one for now? Until we know the health of Peyton Manning, all predictions for the AFC South are meaningless. With a healthy Peyton for the majority of the season, the Colts run away with a bad division. Without Peyton, the AFC South turns into the Big East, and some team will get a game above .500 on the final Sunday to gain an undeserved post-season bid. The popular money is on the Texans, but until Gary Kubiak and Matt Schaub do anything but get the experts hot and bothered, I can’t trust them. The Titans are relying on Chris Johnson and 2 Seattle transplants (Hasselbeck, Locker) to carry them this year, though, the history of tiny running backs and players from Seattle are not promising. The Jaguars are looking to re-create the 2006 Denver Broncos season, in which a highly drafted rookie QB comes in and completely undermines the confidence of decent but not great veteran. We know how that one turns out. Basically, none of these teams should win the division. Let’s just assume Peyton is fully healthy for at least 12 games and give this one to the Colts again. Easier than trying to make an argument for why the Texans will suddenly learn how to win close games.

Winner: Colts 10-6 (Actually this could be any team. Someone will win the AFC South at 10-6 and lose in the first round of the playoffs)

AFC West

It has been 9 months since the end of the 2010 season, and I still can’t figure out how the Chiefs won the AFC West. It is like making the movie A-Team, it seemed reasonable at the time, but in hindsight just leaves you wondering what happened. Needless to say, it is hard to fathom how the Chiefs repeat. Sadly, it seems like the AFC West is all Chargers all the time. The homer in me wants to believe the Broncos will be vastly improved and be the sleeper of the division but I just can’t suspend my disbelief that far. The Broncos dropped from 8-8 to 4-12 thanks to an epically bad defense and a running game that was more imaginary than a game of quidditch. If John Fox can resurrect that running game and defense, Willis McGahee and Elvis Dumervil may finish 1-2 in Comeback Player of the Year voting and the Broncos could sniff a winning record. After showing some improvement last year, it is hard to see the Raiders improving any more. The Chiefs play a harder schedule this year, thank to winning the division so they should predictably fall back. That leaves the Chargers to pick up the scraps and win the division one last time before moving up the I-5 to Los Angeles.

Winner: Chargers 10-6

Wild Card

Patriots at Chargers: Hey, if the Mavs can win a NBA Championship, maybe this really is the year of the perennial also-ran. Chargers win.

Ravens @ Colts: With Ray Lewis on the field, a stabbing pain is always suspected to be a knife wound. Unfortunately for Colts fans, that is just Peyton’s neck getting slammed to the turf by Haloti Ngata. Ravens win.

Division Round

Chargers at Steelers: Nevermind. Guess it isn’t the year for the also-rans. Maybe Mark Cuban can buy the Chargers with his massive earning from Avion tequila and find a way to finally win them a championship after he moves them to L.A. Steelers win.

Ravens at Jets: An ugly game, and not just because Rex Ryan and Joe Flacco are prominently involved. The Ravens have been looking for a way to get their passing game going for years and yet to find it. A blustery January day in New Jersey is not the place to find it. Jets win.

AFC Championship

Jets at Steelers: A re-match of last year – way to go out on a limb with that one, Dave – that will probably play out in much the same way. Picking the Steelers to beat the Jets, is dull, unexciting and expected. Just like this game will be. But at least, it features 2 teams that no one likes, outside of the legion of bandwagon fans that have emerged over the last few years.

Steelers, 2011 AFC Champion.

Ugh.

Back to finish out our guesses at how the First Round of the NFL draft would play out if only teams cared as much about amusing us as they do making money.

#17 – Patriots (from Raiders: I am sad that we don’t get to see what fast, talentless player Al Davis would take this year) – Anthony Costanzo is a tackle from Boston College. He is a hometown boy that can come in to protect the weepy face of the franchise Tom Brady. He can also become the next white, overrated fan favorite (or as I call it: the Birdman) after Danny Woodhead loses his job (foreshadowing!)

#18 – Chargers – The Chargers need to trade up and grab Patrick Peterson. Not only does he replace Antonio Cromartie’s pass coverage that the poor Chargers defense missed last year but also more importantly helps the Chargers abysmal special teams. However, there is no word on whether Peterson can replace Cromartie’s dominance of the Father-Son-Son-Son-Son Picnic.

#19 – Giants – The Giants should grab Da’Quan Bowers if the Clemson defensive lineman can fall to them. I know Bowers has some injury concerns, but it seems like the rest of the Giants defensive linemen are always hurt, so Bowers would immediately bond with his teammates in the ice tub.

#20 –Buccaneers – Bucs tight end Kellen Winslow Jr. infamously said several years ago that he is a soldier. If that were true he would spend more time at the MASH unit than Hawkeye Pierce. However if the Bucs draft Nate Solder, the massive CU lineman, they would have one player who at last sounds like a soldier.

#21 – Chiefs – I still have no idea how the Chiefs won the AFC West. The only thing that I can come up with is thievery. They took the quarterback and GM from the Patriots. They took their coach from the Cardinals. Really they are just trying to mimic successful teams. For that reason, they can take Mike Pouncey, twin brother of Steeler pro-bowler Maurkice. Mike isn’t as good as Maurkice but the Chiefs aren’t a good as the Patriots or Steelers, so he should fit in well.

#22 – Colts – The Colts have been looking for a running back to take the pressure off of Peyton Manning. Ever since Edgerrin James’ career fell apart faster than Hedo Turkoglu in the 2011 playoffs the Colts have drafted Joseph Addai and Donald Brown in the first round and neither has been able to keep the job. Daniel Thomas has one attribute that neither Brown nor Addai has, size. He can take a pounding. Like when Manning stretches him out with a high pass while a linebacker takes aim at his ribs. Unlike most of Peyton’s other receivers he might only miss 1-2 games rather than the rest of the season.

#23 – Eagles – Needing another target for Michael Vick, the Eagles should grab Kyle Rudolph, the tight end out of Notre Dame and top tight end prospect in the draft. Sure, Rudolph can help blocking for Vick and catching passes, but mostly I just want to see what a fan-base that booed Santa could do to a guy named Rudolph if he disappoints.

#24 – Saints – The Saints have the most prolific offense in the NFL. Their defense however isn’t quite Super Bowl caliber. This team gave up 41 points to the Seahawks! Aaron Williams, the corner out of Texas would give them at least one shut down corner. I don’t know if he can tackle Marshawn Lynch but he would at least fly fewer than 5 yards on the stiffarm.  

#25 – Seahawks – Speaking of the Seahawks, despite the offensive explosion against the Saints, the Seahawks need to start thinking about the future of their team. Matt Hasselbeck is 35 years old (and a free agent) and I think we can all agree Charlie Whitehurst could shave his beard and the nickname Clipboard Jesus would still be at least ½ right. Jake Locker is a living legend in the state of Washington. If the Broncos can roll the dice with Tim Tebow, the Seahawks should bring in an athletic freak Locker and he can have a year or two to learn behind Hasselbeck. Just hope Hasselbeck doesn’t teach him about making predictions.

#26 – Ravens – The Ravens have brought in a number of veteran receivers over the last couple of years. Unfortunately, those receivers have about as much chance of beating a corner deep as Donald Trump has of winning the Presidential election. Drafting local boy Torrey Smith of Maryland would finally give the Ravens a receiver whose 40-yard dash time can’t be timed with a sun-dial.

#27 – Falcons – Looking to replicate the success of big/small back tandems the Falcons should draft Kendall Hunter to pair with Michael Turner. As both the Titans and Panther proved in years past the small/big running back combo is key to having a great regular season and failing in the playoffs. That would be totally new for the Falcons.

#28 – Patriots – Breaking hearts across  every Ben Affleck movie set, Belichick drafts running back Mikel Leshoure out of Illinois. Using a first round draft pick on a runningback from an underperforming Big 10 team? What could possibly go wrong for the Patriots?

#29 – Bears – Now that Bears quarterback Jay Cutler has become engaged to Laguna Beach start Kristin Cavallari, the Bears need to invest in a lineman to protect Cutler, who proved last winter he won’t be challenging Brett Favre’s consecutive game played streak. Tyron Smith, played at USC so he is used to playing with players more interested in being successful in Hollywood than in being successful on the football field.

#30 – Jets – The Jets need to continue to strengthen their defense while their young offense matures together. Linebacker Akeem Ayers out of UCLA provides another playmaker for the Jets defense. Rex Ryan really thinks Ayers could be a star. Rex is positive he has the best feet of any linebacker in the draft.

#31 – Steelers – They will have to trade up for him, but I have been saying for months that Nick Fairley’s destiny is to be a Steeler. He can dominate offenses from his defensive line position. His game is centered on playing in the shades of grey of the rule book and he is used to a fan base that is so loathed by others they would actually desecrate their most treasured symbols.  

#32 – Packers – It is easy to say that the Super Bowl champs don’t need more help but don’t forget that Aaron Rodgers was sacked 31 times last year. Adding Mississippi State’s Derek Sherrod would help shore up the Packers offensive line. And we all know that all of Green Bay loves players from Mississippi. I am already looking forward to Sherrod’s first teary-eyed press conference in 2024.