Twas the day before the day before Christmas and all through the house the heater was blasting because it was freaking cold outside.

I was never good at rhyming.

Is it just me or the holidays always a disappointment now that I am an adult? As a student, even into college, you have a couple weeks off, with at least one coming prior to Christmas to allow you to get all festive.

You spend days getting into brawls with 67 year old women over the 25% Scarves rack.

You pick out and decorate a tree, hang household decoration and wrap presents.

You relax, reading or watching TV with a fire in the fireplace and the lights on the tree.

Your parents blast the worst possible Christmas music for weeks on end.

Each night features a bowl game pitting one school with a direction in its name against a school with a city in its name.

In short, your entire attention is focused on the pending holidays.

Now as a working adult, I force myself to squeeze some rushed shopping between the never-ending work requests that pile up as co-workers and clients try to cram a month’s worth of work into the 3 working days before the end of the year. Forget household decorations.

Today is a holiday for my company, yet I have a list of work to-dos longer than my 9-year old niece’s Christmas Wish List.

Where the holidays used to be my favorite time of the year, now it is something I look forward to all year that inevitably disappoints. It is sort of like the city of London. I idealize it in my mind and then once there, realize it is just really crowded and expensive.

With that bah-humbug, depressing opening, let’s hit the THH for the penultimate NFL weekend.

In honor of happier holidays this week, I am using one of the 3 best Christmas TV specials of my youth to guide who to cheer on in each game.

For the record those 3 are: (1) Twas the Night Before Christmas, (2) Rudolph, the Red Nosed Reindeer and (3) Emmet Otter’s Jug Band Christmas

This time of year, there is only one question to ask yourself: What would Emmet Otter do?

Shadow and Turner are not joining because Turner grew up Amish and is not familiar with the season’s most generous mammal while Shadow regretfully admitted he didn’t like Emmett growing up, which is nearly as shameful as once being a Raiders fan.

But I will forgive him. It is the least I can do this time of year. Because I should be thankful for what I have: family, friends and a washtub with no hole in it.

Giants @ Jets

Obviously Emmet would be cheering on the Giants. First, Emmet loathes greed in all forms. With Rex clearly eating all food in his vicinity and refusing to share while Mark Sanchez nails every hot woman who doesn’t have a souvenir ‘I got hit by Derek Jeter’ baseball, the Jets personify greed. The Giants on the other hand have Eli Manning who is all about the family. If any NFL player would enter a musical contest to try and earn money to buy his mom a Christmas present, it is clearly Eli.

Bucs @ Panthers

One of the songs that Emmet and his pals play is entitled Barbecue and includes the following lyrics:

And your very favorite thing to do

Is get a perty girl dancin’ to jug-band music

And a mess of mama’s barbecue

Barbecue lifts my spirit

I swear that it never fails

And the sauce mama makes just stays there forever

If you dare to get it under your nails

Well you maybe poor with a wolf at your door

But money isn’t everything

You still got your song and a river full of fun

And you’ll always have a song to sing

So get the frown off your face

We’re gonna replace it with a grin and a dream come true

With a perty girl dancin’ to jug-band music

And a mess of mama’s barbecue

Clearly, Emmet would be cheering for Carolina and their messy, sweet, tasty barbecue in this one.

Browns @ Ravens

Emmet, his mom and his mates lost the musical contest to a bunch of lizards, snakes and a bear wearing sunglasses. A group that can’t be trusted and would do anything to make money. Sort of like Art Modell turning his back on the people of Cleveland and moving to Baltimore for a promised new stadium. Emmet, of all beings, can relate to the poor people of Cleveland and would be a proud member of the Dawg Pound this weekend.

Early fall is my favorite time of year. The air has cooled and football permeates everything. Yet, when you really think about fall, much of what we love about it is defined by what it isn’t. It isn’t the scorching hot days of summer and it isn’t the cold, desolate winter. It is the in-between. Even the football season is in-between. Football’s regular season decides little. It is the pre-amble to the playoffs and bowl season where championships are won.  

Yet this year, a dark cloud hangs over my pumpkin carving, leaf raking happiness. I upgraded this off-season to a full Nuggets season ticket package just in time to have no games.  David Stern and Billy Hunter (as well as, apparently Kevin Garnett) are conspiring to ruin my favorite time of year, and therefore my entire year.

After negotiations between the NBA and players ended as abruptly as The Sopranos last night, we now face an entire winter with no NBA and it feels like my fall has been taken from me as well. My football teams are already done for the season. I should be a week away from spending my every night consoling myself by watching the NBA, but instead I will have to either talk myself into becoming a hockey fan, grow a mullet and start drinking Molson or commit myself to college basketball more fully than the players that actually play college basketball.

I haven’t spent enough time analyzing the NBA issues to decide who is right and who is wrong – mostly I suspect both sides are wrong. I understand that teams are losing money thanks to declining attendance and rising player costs but I find it hard to feel sympathy for successful businessmen that are asking for someone else to regulate how much they pay players because they can’t trust themselves. How did you make your billions not understanding the concept of cost/benefit? The billionaires on Wall Street are desperately fighting any attempt at regulating their reckless activities that can literally wipe out entire firms and the country’s economy. While at the same time billionaire NBA owners want more regulations so they can show a profit?

On the flip side, I have little sympathy for players that refuse to look at the broader picture and understand that to keep the league running successfully they may have to take a pay cut that doesn’t allow them that 3^rd Maybach they want.  The U.S. auto workers also refused to negotiate reduced payroll costs with automakers that had been generous when times were good. Those automakers instead of losing money, shipped those jobs overseas. Now, rather than making 80% of what they were making before when they had negotiated entirely too high salaries, the auto workers make nothing because there are no more jobs.

There is no perfect solution. At the end of the day, neither side will be happy with a resolution. But isn’t that the point of a negotiation?

NBA players already have their millions. Owners that were losing money certainly are in no rush to return to a money-losing venture. In the end, the only losers are the fans.

This looks like it is going to be a protracted battle. There is no end in sight. Fans, like me, are sad now, but over the course of the coming months, as with any other loss, we will progress through the stages of grieving until we ultimately reach acceptance.

And maybe, just maybe when the children in these negotiations grow up, become adults and settle this dispute they will learn the hard truth neither side wants to hear.

They need fans a lot more than fans need them.  

Shadow: Last week I worked a 30 hour ‘day’ and I still think I got off easier than being in beautiful (and by beautiful I mean ugly) Utica, NY onsite with our newest client.  Turner had that privilege, and we will be lucky if he is ever the same again.  He popped into work for a few minutes today and by the looks of his short locks…he either got a haircut or pulled out all his hair while the clients harangued him about the system he so glowingly sold them at Xmas time last year.  I am heading to California this weekend, so may miss the debut of Tebow Time, and am counting down the days until Vegas and the Revenge of the THH Parlay.  I really like SD’s theme this week…since I am such a devoted basketball disciple.

Since our basketball plates are going to be sparse this winter, we are incorporating it into THH this week.

In each match-up, which team would you cheer on if this were a basketball game, rather than football game?

College:

Wake Forest @ Duke

SD: Poor Wake Forest. For a brief period in the late 90’s and early 00’s Wake was a pre-eminent basketball location. It produced 2 of the best NBA players of the last 15 years (stoic Tim Duncan and nut-punching Chris Paul). But over the last few years it has regressed to the bottom of the ACC barrel. As a Florida State football fan, I can relate to team’s going from being one of the best in the country to being a conference also-ran. Duke on the other hand never changes. Lots of wins. Occasional championships. Unlikable players. Coach with dyed, glued on hair. Dick Vitale’s undying love. They could only get more unlikable if David Stern had gone there. Go Wake.

Shadow: Where else but college sports can you see the Demons versus the Devils?  Duke seems to always lead the league in recruiting the most annoying players in the country and then calling them “scrappy”.  Someone once said that success breeds contempt.  I don’t know what that means, but Christian Laetner (should have been disallowed from playing for a team with Devil as a mascot) and Bobby Hurl-ley soured me on Duke basketball for all time.  Go Wake.

West Virginia @ Syracuse

SD: Bob Huggins and Jim Boeheim are the polar opposites of the coaching world. One looks like he spends his free time at the Bada Bing Club. One looks like an Anthropology professor. Yet both have had similar careers – consistently successful with minimal post-season success (just Carmelo single-handedly taking over March Madness in 2003 keeps them from being championship-less). I will cheer on WVU and Bob here only because I appreciate Bob’s willingness to always take on dead teams and resurrect them. Cincinnati, Kansas State, West Virginia. None are glamour positions, yet he has succeeded at each. Whether he had a little assistance along the way from friends in the ‘Waste Management’ or ‘Import/Export’ business I don’t want to know.

Shadow: Just seeing the word Syracuse makes me feel a little wistful about Melo.  All of us that watched the Nuggets persevere and actually win after his departure still had to admit in our heart of hearts that in the playoffs, you just need that offensive go-to guy that can take over a quarter if needed.  The Nuggets had a bunch of guys who either didn’t seem to want to take a shot and just passed the ball around forever…or guys who never saw a shot they didn’t love to take no matter how ill-advised (looking at you JR Brick and Kenyon).  Painful at times to watch.  So, in honor of my memories of Melo, I will take the Orangemen.  (funny….Native Americans force St Johns to give up their name, but I don’t see the orange-fake tanned Jersey Shore denizens complaining about the Cuse)

[footnote:  yes, I know Syracuse dumped the Orangemen/Orangewomen and just became “The Orange”…but that fact would have prevented my really funny joke]

[footnote 2: fine, it wasn’t really funny…..shut up]

NBA:

Atlanta @ Detroit

SD: Hawks versus Pistons would be a great game if this were still 1988. Unfortunately now it is a game I don’t think I would watch even if it is the only NBA game played before 2012. Ok, that is a lie. Like an alcoholic sipping on cough syrup, if this is all I could get, I would take it. The Hawks would definitely win but I will go with Detroit just because I have retained a soft spot for Joe Dumars since he gave both Carmelo and Anthony and Chauncey Billups to the Nuggets. It’s the least I could do to re-pay him.

Shadow: The Tigers made the playoffs and beat the Yankees.  The Lions are measurably better than the Broncos right now and will probably paste us at the end of the month.  I know I should be trying to follow Dave’s theme….but I have too much hate for Detroit right now.  So, I am taking Atlanta.

Washington @ Carolina

SD: The Late Career Michael Jordan Derby! Washington, site of a comeback we have all wiped from our memories, and his first attempt at destroying a franchise from within the front office (Kwame Brown!) versus his current hobby in Carolina. The only time I ever saw Jordan play live was in a Wizards uniform which is like saying “I’ve only seen Robert DeNiro in the Meet the Parents movies.” It is a shame I carry with me to do this day. I have to go with Carolina, if for no other reason, than to try and wipe this stain off my soul.

Shadow: If Washington were still the Bullets, I would totally go for them.  I loved that nickname.  So much more politically incorrect and insensitive than any amount of Seminoles and Indians and what not.  I am less enthused with the Wizards moniker.  I think the Bobcats would be an exciting team to watch…and I would root for them, especially since they would be home in this matchup…and I would get to see Kristi.

I created this week’s THH theme a couple days ago before events far beyond the football field made it become even more appropriate.

I am not an Apple junkie. I have never owned an Apple computer. I don’t own an iPad; only partially because it sounds like a tampon from a Will Smith movie. I have never owned an iPhone but have owned nearly all of its smart phone competitors – from a Treo to 2 separate Windows phones to my current Droid. I do own an iPod (as if there is an alternative music player) but it is about 5 years old and holds no more than a gigabyte of music.

But even if those of us that don’t light candles on the Genius Bar must acknowledge Steve Jobs. In an era where businesses focus on cutting costs and strive to be the 2^nd entrant to a market (after the leader has taken the arrows from the locals), Jobs focused Apple not on making products to compete. He created objects to change the game.

While Apple products aren’t necessarily the most perfectly developed (see: the 437 versions of iPhones released) or technologically advanced, they can all be described with one descriptor.

They are all elegantly simple.

Jobs’ genius didn’t lay in inventing new products – his genius lay in taking existing products and making them simpler to use and nicer to look at. You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but you can tell an Apple product by its casing.

As the world becomes flat, China takes over the international markets like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man in Ghostbusters and companies are literally shipping their innovation to the cheapest offshore location, it was always nice to know that out there on the picturesque peninsula south of San Francisco, Jobs wasn’t just trying to cut costs, he was trying to find ways to improve our lives while becoming obscenely rich – truly the American dream.

I was certainly not Jobs’ ideal customer – I have no desire to sleep on the sidewalk for the opportunity to spend $600 on the newest technological gadget – but I still tip my hat to a man who may be the last in the line of true American iconoclastic inventors that started with Thomas Edison.

I like to think that Steve would appreciate this week’s THH. We are looking at 8 teams whose name is anything but Apple-esque. Where simplicity counts for everything, the convoluted naming convention would be banished. While Steve and his compatriots may have hated all of these teams, our task today is to find the even more disagreeable.

Fittingly accompanied by ‘You’ by TV on the Radio – played on my iPod.

Shadow: I must be getting old.   Used to be able to stay up all night playing Final Fantasy VII, sleep for 2.5 hours, drink some Mountain Dew and be right back at it.  Now…you just give me a couple of 16 hour days in a conference room filled with the combined funk of 30 variable bodies rotating in and out over the course of the day mixed with the lingering aroma from haphazardly consumed takeout meals and I am done in.  Physically and mentally drained.  But not too tired to turn in a THH entry for the week.

Theme: Teams with location-confusing names. Which team has better rationale for using a confusing name

College (State schools but named after cities)

Boise State v Fresno State

SD: Some people hate people from a different ethnic groups, countries or class of society. There are people that even hate a different region or state in their own country (though in defense most of those people hate Texas, which totally makes sense). I don’t have those problems, I focus my hate on a different group: State schools whose name is based on the city where they are located. This is not ancient Greece, filled with City-States. This is America. And in America there is no state named Boise. No state named Fresno. Those are cities inside states. No wonder our kids are so bad at Geography. Schools of higher learning don’t even know the difference between a city and a state, so how can we expect a 5th grader to know the capital city of the state of North Dakota (Bismarck – and I didn’t even google it). However, in this match-up of dysfunctional teams, I will side with Fresno. Setting asides Fresno State’s slightly odd obsession with the valley where it is located, at least California has other cities. In a state as big and diverse as California, the residents of Fresno probably do feel like their own little state. Outside of potato farms, ski resorts and bi-curious Senators what does Idaho have outside of Boise? Boise is Idaho. Quit trying to be uppity and differentiate yourselves from the rest of your state Broncos.

Shadow: We all know that both Turner and I have spent loads of time in the town with the Smurf turf.  It’s also kind of an important city in the state, what with it being the capital and all.  All of these could be reasons to justify its use of ‘State’…but you have forgotten one thing.  And, that one thing is this:  www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_dSjQ1qKrw   It may be a city in the middle of the California nowhere….but if someone goes to the trouble of classifying a “Fresno State of Mind”….that school wins.

Pittsburgh v Rutgers

SD: Pitt has done such a fine job of disassociating itself from its state that I actually thought Pittsburgh was a private school like the University of Denver or the University of Miami until I started researching this theme. Beyond a grudging admiration for the cloaking done by the Panthers I will go with them here for the same reason I went with Fresno. At least there are other cities and schools in Pennsylvania. Rutgers is THE state university of New Jersey – yet doesn’t seem to want to admit it. You hear the name of the river it sits next to more often than the state where it resides. Take pride in your state Rutgers. Just because New Jersey is the Jan Brady between New York’s Marsha (for its attractions and self regard) and Pennsylvania’s Cindy (for holding some promise but getting lost in the shuffle with the rest of the family), doesn’t mean you can’t take pride in your particular place in this world. You don’t see pro teams based in New Jersey pretending they aren’t form there, do yo…..oh. Nevermind.

Shadow: It is kind of hard to compete with the likes of a Penn or a Penn State.  While Pitt toils in the shadows of its bigger brethren in the state, with possibly a bit of an inferiority complex, what real choice did Jersey have?  Do any of these names roll off your tongue:  New Jersey State University?  UofNJ?  They were screwed.  Inability to create an acceptable sounding acronym is clear rationale for just naming your school for a war hero and calling it good.

NFL (Teams not named after the city/state where they are located)

Arizona @ Minnesota

SD: Marketing firms and focus groups were the end of good sports team names. Where once political incorrectness (Redskins), regional pride (Cowboys) and out-of-control egotism (Browns) created team names, as time went on names were chosen to maximize their appeal to as broad a customer base as possible. Team colors are chosen that resonate with specially selected focus group participants (i.e. the only people dumb enough or having so little else going on that they are willing to join a focus group) and we end up with 4 new teams with teal or purple as primary colors in a 5 year stretch (Marlins, Rockies, Jaguars, Panthers, Diamondbacks). But nowhere is this more prevalent than the choosing of a state name rather than a city. Hoping to build loyalty throughout their home states we get the Colorado Rockies – who have yet to play a game in Grand Junction – and the Florida Marlins, who play an 9 hour drive from some Florida residents. We also get the Minnesota Vikings and Arizona Cardinals. I pick the Vikings here. I suspect, given the twin-cities where they are based, that the Vikings chose ‘Minnesota’ so as not to have to pick between Minneapolis and St. Paul or, worse, the ungodly hyphenate Minneapolis-St. Paul Vikings. However Arizona has no excuse but the cult of inclusiveness. The oldest Arizona based professional team – the Suns  – has survived being identified with a single city and still garners the most ardent fans in the state. I say that isn’t a coincidence.

Shadow: Why bother limiting yourself to a single city when you can try and endear yourself to an entire state?  But let’s look a little closer and see these corrected names.  The Phoenix Cardinals versus the Minneapolis Vikings.  On the one hand, we have two birds (all right, one is mythical).  That is kind of like a double negative.  On the other hand, we are mishmashing Native American, Greek, and the Norse.  Exactly which demographic are you going for there?  In the end, we will side with Minnesota, since we are pretty sure the Cardinals ownership will do anything for a buck…and would eventually rename the team the University of Phoenix Cardinals, and confuse people everywhere into wondering why a college team is playing in the NFL.

NY Jets @ New England

SD: What is better: out-right falsehood or ambiguity to the point of uselessness? If you asked a foreigner to drive to the home stadium for each of these teams without a map, how long would it take him? He could spend days driving all over New York state. He could spend a week driving through all of the states that make up New England. The odds of him stumbling across the New York Jets in New Jersey and the New England Patriots in Foxborough, Massachusetts are pretty slim. While both of these names bother me, I guess I have to begrudgingly go with the Patriots. At least their name is true. New England isn’t very specific or helpful, but at least it isn’t out-right deception.

Shadow: The Patriots…..in true Bellicheat fashion, aren’t even satisfied with a state, they are going to claim a whole freaking region of the country.  Both the Jets and the Giants share the same sin of housing themselves across the river…but let’s be serious, have you seen the tax rate in New York?  I can’t really blame them.  Normally I would have expected myself to be using the word gluttony to describe Rex Ryan literally shutting down a Fogo De Chao….but in this case, I just can’t support the Pats pretending to represent 17 different states (that statement may be exaggerated).

A week ago, I arrived about 3 hours late to a 4-hour long fundraising party being hosted by my wife to benefit a group associated with the Denver Art Museum, whose Board she sits on. I had come directly from the airport, where I had flown in from a week spent working long hours in D.C.

Talking to a friend that night, I mentioned I had flown home to Denver from Tallahassee on Sunday, flown back to D.C. on Monday, back to Denver on Thursday and was flying back to D.C. again on Sunday.

He joked about me talking to a 20-year old version of myself and telling him about the week. I replied that the 20-year old me would have thought it sounded very cool and would be excited that I must have grown into some sort of important executive. The 36-year old me would have then told the 20-year old me that it isn’t as glorious as it sounds (though I wouldn’t mention the occasional first-class upgrade), be careful what you wish for, go buy another drink and talk to that really cute girl in the corner of the bar.

As I sit on yet another plane flight writing this, the movie playing is Midnight in Paris. A movie I love and saw twice in the theatre (which is a very big endorsement as I typically see about 3-4 movies per year in a theatre). At its core, the movie is both a love letter to the city of Paris, but also to the nostalgic yearning for a time we don’t know. While some people yearn for the future (the 20-year old me), Owen Wilson’s character (and to a lesser extent the 36-year old me), yearn for a time in the past.

But it is also a warning that all of that yearning is a waste as the idealized vision we have in our heads, never aligns with reality. Owen Wilson’s character wants to return to the 1920’s in Paris. Yet the woman he meets there, hates the 20’s and only wants to re-visit the 1890’s.

Nothing is ever as glamorous as we make it out to be. Just think about how little people bathed back then, you just know while the sites of Paris would be wondrous; the smell would have been atrocious.

A broke college student looks at a business executive and sees the freedom that comes from financial stability but doesn’t see the long hours and sacrifices necessary. The business executive looks at the college student and sees freedom from responsibility and free time but not the budgeting required to stretch $50 across a week’s worth of food and a weekend at the bars.

Is this all just the over-morose ramblings of an exhausted mind? Is it all just an elaborate mental game that convinces me life was not any better when Florida State and the Broncos were winning championships and not dead teams walking before October 1st?

Probably yes and yes.

Anyway, on to this week’s games. In keeping with our mindset, I asked Turner to find a theme for me and he went back to the very foundations of the Hierarchy of Hate. No elaborate set-up or theme. Just a simple comparison between two teams.

A theme we would have used back at the very beginnings of the Hierarchy of Hate. Back when things were so much simpler….

Theme: Pick your animal (and any other reason you care to write about)

College

SMU Ponies vs. TCU Horned Frogs

I have always made it a point of pride to not wear clothing for schools with which I have no affiliation. But I have made one exception in adulthood and that is for the SMU Mustangs. I am comfortable with this decision on the rationale that while my personal experience with the school consists entirely of one dreary morning spent driving around the campus, I count as friends what seems to be a large percentage of the graduating class of 1997. But setting aside personal feelings, per Turner’s instructions, I can choose any reason for making a pick and for me there is one overriding factor in my liking a mascot: originality. Between the Boise State Broncos, Texas Longhorns and South Florida Bulls there are other ranch animal-mascots. There aren’t a lot of other Frog mascots. While there are good reasons for that – mainly that frogs aren’t overly intimidating and are mainly seen today only splattered on the side of the road – at least TCU decided to go for a unique mascot.

Rice Owls vs. Southern Mississippi Eagles

Before I ever started writing at PFB, Turner and I once did a THH for the entire March Madness tournament via email for our own amusement, which when viewed in hindsight, sounds pretty pathetic. (Re-prints of this never-before-seen first edition THH are available for just 3 easy payments of $39.99) Our first round criteria were a comparison of each team’s mascot. Through two long nights of research we discovered that approximately 43.1% of all college mascots involve a bird. Of these bird mascots over 53% were some variation on Eagles, Hawks or Falcons*. Owl mascots are much more unique, so despite Southern Miss trying to fancy up their lame Eagle mascot by tacking ‘Golden’ on the front, Rice is the clear winner here. On a wholly unrelated but supportive note, I also always really liked that metallic owl that helped out Perseus in the Clash of Titans movie I watched weekly as a child.

* – All numbers are approximate**

** – and by ‘approximate’ I mean completely invented by the author but feel anecdotally accurate

NFL:

Bears vs Panthers

This might be the least inspiring mascot battle since the Auburn Tigers visited the Clemson Tigers a couple weeks ago. While Bears are generally only a ½ notch ahead of Tiger, Lion or Eagle in the mascot originality out-house, I give the edge here to Chicago. Even if names aren’t unique, I like cities where there are cross-team themes. Detroit has the Lions and Tigers (but no bears, oh my). Pittsburgh has black and gold as unifying colors across all their pro teams. Miami teams have the color teal and half empty stadiums in common. The Bears as a stand-alone is bad, but coupled with the Cubs on the upper- side, at least they went with a little-brother, big-brother dynamic. The Panthers, on the other hand seemed to be picked specifically to ensure no fans would be left out or insulted. It is un-orginal, un-inspired and boring. Sort of like the city of Charlotte.

Seahawks vs. Falcons

This is turning into a very Hitchcockian THH with all the birds running around. I wonder what Tippi Hedren would think of this match-up? She seems like more of a Seattle kind of girl to me (pale skin that has rarely seen sunshine). Similar to the college avian match-up above, you have to give credit to the team that went with the more original bird choice. Especially since after spending most of 3 years in Seattle I am pretty sure seahawks are the jackalope or Sasha Fierce of the bird world – a fictitious animal created to make a rather boring animal (seagulls, bunny rabbits, Beyonce) seem much more intimidating.

While I will cheer on the Hawks, I think it is safe to say that after this THH, the only bird contest I am looking forward to this fall is the movie with Steve Martin, Jack Black and Owen Wilson.

Though I will probably wait until it comes out on DVD.

I woke up in Tallahassee this morning for the first time in about 4 years and last time I saw almost nothing outside of our RV tailgate and the stadium. I haven’t spent real time in Tallahassee since about 2002. Going to get coffee this morning, Turner and I walked around downtown Tallahassee, admiring the brick roads, old buildings and Spanish moss hanging from the trees. A rain storm passed through last night and the weather is perfect; almost cool in the shade but warm in the sun with low humidity. In the, shockingly cool, dry air a hint of anticipation rides over everything as everyone in town has only one thing on their mind: the game.

In summary, I am in heaven.

I am almost left feeling a little pre-emptively sad for when we leave on Sunday. After the anticipation and build up: returning to a town where I lived for seven years and really grew up for what is the biggest college football game of the season – and the last 10 years for Florida State.

I am also feeling nostalgic for the ‘good old days’ – when FSU had top five match-ups every year and I was a young wide-eyed kid from the mountains of Colorado.

Our THH theme this week seems especially appropriate for my current wistful mindset. All about the here and the now versus the past.

Let’s just hope that Saturday night combines the best of both worlds; a great game today that reminds me of the dominant FSU teams of yesterday.

Turner couldn’t join us this week, as he is curled up in the fetal position, mumbling ‘Boomer Sooner’ to himself repeatedly preparing for tomorrow. But old friend Shadow is doing double duty this week.

Shadow: I am going to Hawaii on Monday.  For a week.  Just me and Mrs. Shadow.  This should make me happy.  So why do I only feel complete jealousy at Superdave and Turner spending 96 hours of quality time with college football, alcohol, food that is bad for you, and meaningful talks late into the night like in Stand by Me.  Let’s get to the hate before I start to get verklempt (again).

The Rules: One team in each of our THH match-ups had a distinguished period where they were one of the best around while the other is currently one of the best teams (sort of like a certain game in the panhandle of Florida this weekend). Which team do you like more – the one that was great or the one that is great?

(Clarification: the past team is based on the team at that time. So if you were a huge Ken Dorsey fan, he would be a deciding factor, not the current Cane trainwreck)

College:

Utah v BYU

SD: So we are stretching things a little as Utah went from BCS buster and perennial Cinderella to mid-pack PAC-12 team. But they are still more relevant than a BYU team that won a national championship in the eighties but now annually has 1 or 2 decent wins and 1 or 2 head scratching losses. Just like another mediocre, independent religious school that gets slightly more publicity for no reason. I am just happy to make a Notre Dame joke when discussing two completely unrelated schools. I will take Utah here, simply it is still a travesty that BYU won the national title over OU in 1985. (I have now fulfilled a contractual obligation to say one nice thing about OU.

Shadow: This one really has me torn.  For most of my teenagehood I absolutely hated BYU because I was a huge Air Force fan and was pretty much going to be a fighter pilot when I grew up.  But for one really screwed up year, I was in love with a Mormon girl, so I convinced myself I loved BYU….to the point where I even applied to go there.  Because of these conflicting memories…I think I will just go with the Utes.

OSU v Miami

SD: The U of old was easy to hate. No team has ever embraced the bad guy role like the late 80’s/early 90’s Miami teams. It was a more innocent time in the late 80’s, back when a young naïve Alaskan sportscasters could sleep with a visiting college athlete without worrying whether it would end their political aspirations and implode something called the internet that had yet to be given to the public. The U was something new, and for many people, kind of scary. They wanted to be loathed. They fed on people’s hate (and on really nice meals paid for by Luther Campbell eaten off of strippers). I miss that. I may have hated The U, but I loved the U for that. It gave us an enemy. But they were also so incredibly talented that you had to respect both their play and their “I don’t give a f**k.” attitude. I wish more teams would embrace the Darth Vader role. In fact, if another extremely talented team in Miami would tap their inner-U they would be a lot more entertaining. But LeBron wants to be Jerry Rice, not Michael Irvin. And because of that he will never be as legendary as either.

Shadow: Since one of my greatest wishes is for both of these teams to forever be irrelevant, this is an excellent use of the hierarchy.  Miami isn’t in my favorite team’s conference.  Point in their favor.  I also think they were royally screwed in their title game against OSU.  Point in their favor.  Plus when they were the cream of the college football crop, they were actually pretty fun to watch.  I could never say that about any incarnation of OSU.  GO Canes.

NFL:

Jacksonville @ NY Jets

SD: It is easy to forget now, that for a few years the Jaguars were considered one of the 2 or 3 best teams in the NFL. They almost always had a great regular season record and got close in the playoffs before losing short of the Super Bowl. Mark Brunell, Fred Taylor, Jimmy Smith and Tom Coughlin were the Philip Rivers, LaDanian Tomlinson, Vince Jackson and Norv Turner of their day. But since I attended the game where the Broncos beat them on their way to their first Super Bowl victory in 1997, I can’t have much hatred. Not nearly as much as I have for loud-talking, lots-of-food eating Rex Ryan and swimsuit model/part-time quarterback Mark Sanchez.

Shadow: Seeing as how Jacksonville’s window of distinction coincides with brutal memories of what could have been a third ring for Elway and TD, I just can’t see myself on their side.  I may dislike Rex and San-Cheez, but part of it is minor jealousy when I think the Broncos aren’t too far behind the Jets personnel-wise, yet we fail to win close games where the Jets seem to.  I guess I will pull for the Broadway Boys here.

Green Bay @ Carolina

SD: It says something that football junkie Shadow questioned the inclusion of the Panthers as a ‘team that was once one of the best around’. A victim of timing, lost in the sands of time as one of those anonymous teams that lead the NFC in a time of AFC dominance it is easy to forget tha tin a 3 year span they played in both a Super Bowl and 2 NFC title games. Sort of like the Browns of the late 80’s – without a defining failure like The Drive or The Fumble. However, I really like our reigning Super Bowl champs. A happy, young, tight-knit team with a strong front office and the best fan base in sports. So Go Pack Go. Wipe away the memories of Jake Delhomme and Muhsin Muhammed. It is time for Panther fans to create a new dynasty anyway. Sort of like my Noles. 32 hours to kick off, gulp…

Shadow: A funny thing happens when your team isn’t QB’d by a tired, old gunslinger who should have been glue years ago…..you become instantly more likeable.  Maybe it is still part of the Super Bowl hangover and watching them put it to one of my least favorite teams….but the Panthers don’t have a shot here.  I will take the championship belt antics of Aaron Rodgers and the rest of the Cheeseheads.

Draft week is finally here; real, concrete news out of the NFL that is more about players than lawyers.

I know a bunch of lawyers. The last thing I want is lawyers to be the key players in my sports soap operas.

Strangely it is also the week in which NFL teams become most like politicians – you know – former lawyers that decided to ‘give back’ (i.e. – the power of running a firm full of other lawyers wasn’t enough for their massive egos). No matter what head-scratching moves a team makes in or leading up to the draft, the team will act like they just chose the right goblet from the Grail Knight.

On draft day, Cam Cameron acted like he sincerely believed one-legged Tim Ginn was the missing piece from a Dolphin Super Bowl run.

On draft day, the Forty-Niners convinced themselves Alex Smith was the heir apparent to Steve Young, rather than Jim Druckenmiller.

Draft day, where optimism really does spring eternal.

Of course, that isn’t the case. If history has taught us anything, it is that most of these high draft picks can at best aspire to an NFL career long enough to qualify them for a pension (assuming the NFLPA gets a pension in the coming labor agreement).

But that won’t stop each team from making the heartfelt case that the newest member of the organization will be the one hoisting the Lombardi trophy.

But which players will fail to meet those lofty expectations? I’m so excited for the draft I flew to Charlotte tonight to get the low-down on the first overall pick right from the source. Maybe its a sign, maybe it isn’t, but on the way in from the airport I saw a construction site at least 2 blocks long with a sign reading ‘Future Home of Cecil Newton’s Church That He Really Did Pay For All by Himself’.

Let’s go team by team through the first round and identify the players they should draft. I won’t pretend that I know what these teams will actually do, and have little evidence of teams following my advice (other than my epic guidance for the Jets to draft Mark Sanchez two years ago) but that doesn’t stop me from telling them what they should do.

And by ‘should do’ I mean ‘the draft pick that I think would be most fun for them to take’ not ‘will definitely make them better’.

#1 – Panthers – General consensus is that Cam Newton will be drafted by the Panthers. And who am I to argue. Jimmy Clausen has gotten his last two coaches fired, would you want him to be your franchise QB? Me neither. Some teams are scared off by Newton’s off-field transgressions (felonies, 3 schools in 3 years, transparent auctioning of his skills to the highest bidder), but I think Carolina is uniquely suited to ignore this. Their home state school is led by Butch Davis who has run a clean program once in his coaching career, when he coached the Browns, and we know how that turned out (24-34 record). If willing to hire a perennial cheat like Davis, I would imagine most North Carolinians would almost look with pride at Newton using the transfer payments he received to attend Auburn to help repair his father’s church.

#2 – Broncos – Marcel Dareus fits a glaring need for the Broncos along their defensive line. A glaring need that has been present for so long, it is almost becoming it’s own tradition unlike any other. Beside adding some size and skill to the  Broncos front line, I also like imagining John Fox (who isn’t the youngest coach in the league) and John Elway (who took his fair share of hits to the helmet) trying to keep Marcel Dareus and Darcel McBath straight.

#3 – Bills – You would think that as bad as the Bills have been for years, they would look for a flashy player – a quarterback or receiver to drum up interest among their bi-country fan base. However, they are smart and recognize a team should build from within. Offensive Line and defensive front seven. The Bills are so smart they have have a Harvard man under center! That is why they will grab potential superstar linebacker Von Miller from Texas A&M. Miller could be the best linebacker they have had since Cornelius Bennett played. A player taken when the Bills were led by another Harvard man, Marv Levy. See, with all these Ivy leaguers, the Bills are smart. They aren’t any good at football, but they sure are smart.  

#4 – Bengals – With both Chad Ochocinco Johnson Washedupo and Terrell Owens most likely on their way out of Cincy as soon as the Bengals are allowed to release them, it is important to get Jordan Palmer some help. You can’t go wrong with Julio Jones who looks like he has all the skills to be a star. This is such an obvious pick, that I hear VH1 has already contacted Julio about his own TV series.  I like to think the show is about Julio helping kids that get picked on at the playground to learn to stand up to bullies. Then they can call it ‘Me and Julio Down By the Schoolyard’.  

#5 – Cardinals – The Cardinals went from perennial Super Bowl contenders to the bottom of the worst division in the NFL when Kurt Warner decided he would rather dance on primetime than play for them. After a season of using quarterbacks that wouldn’t be hired to be Adam Sandler’s stunt double in The Longest Yard, the Cardinals need to grab Blaine Gabbert. He is a lock. What could go wrong with the Cardinals drafting a tall, immoble, white quarterback whose last name ends in ‘rt’?

#6 – Browns – AJ Green, the ridiculously talented wide out from Georgia fills a big hole for the Browns. Let’s just hope the Browns have better luck with him than the last WR they drafted known for his one-handed catches in college. Once Braylon Edwards got to Cleveland the only thing he could catch was pity and scorn from LeBron’s hangers-ons.

#7 – Forty-Niners – Unwilling to accept that the Alex Smith era is need of euthanization, the Forty-Niners continue to try and improve their defense to off-set Smith. To put some more skill in front of all-world linebacker Patrick Willis, the Niners should grab Robert Quinn. Sure, he didn’t play last season after taking illegal benefits from agents, but let’s face it, the Forty-Niners haven’t played for most of this decade. Call it a wash.

#8 – Titans – Still looking to replace Albert Haynesworth’s pass rush that jumped at Dan Snyder’s millions years ago, the Titans should reach for Cameron Jordan. Not only will he give them a edge pass rusher, but could open up a whole new population of potential season ticket holders, when frat boys from all over the south buy game tickets after hearing the Titans have acquired Jordan, assuming he is a former sorority girl that has joined the Titans cheerleading squad.  

#9 – Cowboys – There are three things Jerry Jones loves in this world. Meddling with his football team, bringing in players with questionable character and his alma mater Arkansas Razorbacks. I give you the perfect storm of Jones’ incompetence: Ryan Mallett.

#10 – Redskins – The Redskins need help everywhere except quarterback where Rex Grossmann looks to be a perennial Pro Bowler. I see them going for defense – specifically Prince Amukamara. As every Bronco fan remembers, Mike Shanahan has a fetish for drafting cornerbacks. Also, I think of this as tossing a bone to the idiot Birther movement. Just think of the jokes they can make with a guy whose name sounds like African royalty in the same city as President Obama. Those jokes would probably be hilarious. At least to other people dumb enough to be birthers.

#11 – Texans – In the mistaken belief that their offense isn’t a problem, the Texans should look to add more playmakers on defense so this can be the year they finally live up to their annual sleeper contender status. Justin Houston, a linebacker out of Georgia is the perfect fit. 6’3”, 270 pounds with a 4.6 40-yard dash. Plus his last name is Houston! And coming from Georgia he is accustomed to his team failing to meet overblown pre-season expectations.

#12 – Vikings – It looks like it might finally be the end of the Favre era. Let’s all commemorate the falling of an American hero, by pouring our Vicodin out on the curb. Needing a replacement for Favre, the Vikings should turn to Andy Dalton. Sure, there are some concerns his red hair may prevent him from succeeding in the pros, but with the Vikings playing in a dome and Minnesota’s long winters at least we won’t have to worry about Dalton failing because of the sun’s debilitating effects on his fair skin.

#13 – Lions – After just 3 or 4 games, the injury bug impacted Jahvid Best’s rookie campaign for the Lions last year and resurrected concerns about him from college that he can’t stay healthy. If Matt Millen were still in charge he would just go draft Ryan Williams this year despite taking a running back last year. Millen already had experience blowing a draft pick on an overrated Va Tech running back when he took Kevin Jones in 2004. Sigh, I miss Matt Millen.

#14 – Rams – New Rams owner Stan Kroenke wants to make a big splash with his first draft. He wants to make the big-name pick that will draw attention back from the Cardinals and Albert Pujols’ on-going contract drama. Most importantly he wants to help 2^nd year quarterback Sam Bradford. What name makes the most sense to draw excitement to the Rams? If I have said it once, I have said it never, nothing gets fans excited like an offensive lineman from Wisconsin. Gabe Carimi is just the man to get the City by the Arch talking.

#15 – Dolphins – The Dolphins just can’t trust injury-prone Ronnie Brown or mellow-dude Ricky Williams to handle the running game. It is time to start finding young legs to take some of the load. Bruising, consistent Mark Ingram would be the perfect answer but I can’t be the only one thinking that giving Mark Ingram Senior an excuse to visit Miami is a bad idea if we want to win the War On Drugs.

#16 – Jaguars – After years of drafting bustastic wide receivers in the first round, the Jaguars are finally starting to build their defense so that they can still win games, while their perennially mediocre offense sputters along and their fan base continues to shrink. To help both problems, the Jags can draft Jimmy Smith out of CU. Not only will he solidify the Jags’ secondary, but Jags fans can just recycle their old wide receiver Jimmy Smith jerseys and reminisce about the good old days when they were relevant.

We will back to finish out the rest of the first round later this week.