No pre-amble today, as I am going to the Heat/Nuggets game tonight and want to save my wittiest insults for the Whore of Akron. Brewing up something about his mother and the 4th quarter. I’m sure it will be GOLD. Let’s get right to the picks.

We’ve picked the Saturday games, so time to move on to the Sunday games.

Houston @ Baltimore

Halftime: Baltimore (-4.5)

Full Game: Baltimore (-8)

By far the least interesting match-up of the weekend. It isn’t even close. This is the John Mayer of NFL Divisional playoff games. Some beautiful women will find it inexplicably attractive. I find it dull and struggle to see the attraction.

A rookie quarterback on the road. A stout, but older defense. An elite home playoff team with the most questionable quarterback since Rex Grossmann took a team to the Super Bowl. This game could end up 13-7 or 28-3 or 31-28. I have no feeling for it and after it ends will wake up from my nap say ‘huh’ and go take a shower.

But I do know this: every year one decent team uses momentum from Wild Card weekend to come in and jump on a home team struggling to find its rhythm after a week off. The Jets last year. The Cardinals at Panthers a couple years ago. The Ravens at Titans the same year. The Texans looked so stout at home last week, it is easy to envision Arian Foster running right past the Ravens. On the other side of the ball, is the Ravens offense really that much better than the Bengals? If the Texans can slow down Ray Rice, would anyone in Maryland be willing to bet a crab cake on Joe Flacco leading the team to a playoff win through the air?

But this still requires TJ Yates to play well on the road and ignore the vaguely homoerotic Ball So Hard slogan of Terrell Slugs. And let’s not forget Arian Foster is still a young guy that went undrafted out of college. Haloti Ngata eats those guys for breakfast.

Literally. He calls it his ‘Captain Cook’-ie Crisp cereal.

Texans come out swinging and the Ravens come out sluggish, take the Texans and points at the half.

But Ray Rice-a-roni the Baltimore treat (not to be confused with crack the real Baltimore treat) finds his legs in the 2^nd half, the defense stuffs the Texans and Joe Flacco’s eyebrow finds Torrey Smith deep a couple times.

Take the Ravens, give the points for the full game.

NY Giants @ Green Bay

Halftime: Green Bay (-5)

Full Game: Green Bay (-8.5)

A few years ago, an up and down Giants team went into Green Bay and shocked the heavily favored Packers in the NFC title game. We all remember this game for Favre’s fitting final throw/interception as a Packer – losing the game in overtime (but he was just having fun out there). But you may not remember the single greatest thing about that game. The introduction of the Tom Coughlin Everest Face!

He may have won a Super Bowl and be on the verge of being fired each year, but for me Coughlin’s career highlight always has been and always will be coaching a game while looking like a mountaineer that survived a fierce storm at 26,000 by gnawing on George Mallory’s femur for energy and warmth.

I may or may not have the motto “those that don’t remember the past are destined to repeat it.’ (in Comic Sans) tattooed on my body, but in this case, I actually think that history works against the G-men.

Where they were once inspired by a coach that some thought was about to turn into Violet Beauregarde after the blueberry bubble gum, this weekend’s forecast in Green Bay calls for significantly less sinister temperatures.

Will the Giants be as motivated with a coach that doesn’t look like he is about to be wheeled away by the Oompa Loompas or have his nose amputated by a Nepalese surgeon? I doubt it.

In other, more subtle reasons why the Packers will win, Aaron Rodgers is not Brett Favre. None of us have seen his package and he doesn’t distribute the ball to the opposing team like a party host with a tray of mini-pigs-in-blankets.

That Packer team also didn’t have Clay Matthews on it. I imagine a cold evening in Green Bay will mean a huge night for Matthews in his on-going attempt to secure a role in the next Nordic mythology movie.

I say you take the Packers in the first half – they come out fast and come out mean, driving at will and making the inevitable Private Box shots of the Manning clan irrelevant.

In the 2^nd half I think the Giants slow the Packers and crawl back into the game, with a bomb to Victor Cruz and a long sustained drive by the 2-headed running back tandem.

Giants keep it close and cover that too-big-spread bu,t in the end, their Super Bowl dreams disappear Into Thin Air.

You know, Bill, there’s one thing I learned in all my years. Sometimes you just gotta say, “What the f**k…”

- Joel Goodson, Risky Business

Sunday I completed a personally remarkable WildCard weekend.

My first half and full game spread picks completed the weekend a remarkable 7 of 8 – so impressive that my days of just giving you this type of knowledge for free is about its end. I mean Harvard ain’t free – am I right?

Of course when I become a Tout I will have to start using ALL CAPS a lot more often and will have to smother the lawyer living in my gut that says to not use words like GUARANTEE.  However, with the amount of dip I have eaten in the last couple of weeks, even if I don’t smother him he will be dead of heart disease before the Super Bowl.

Naturally my one loss came at the hands at my boys in blue, when they dared to take a lead into halftime against the Steelers. The Broncos dominated – then gave away – then shocked the world in beating a vastly overrated Steeler team on Sunday afternoon. Was it really an upset? The Steelers were decimated by injuries – no Mendenhall or Pouncey, Big Ben down to only one good rapin’ leg –  and a defense that is starting to look more like all reputation, no substance. Without Ryan Clark and his defensive Team MVP cell structure, the Steelers pass defense was almost Vikings-esque and that isn’t good.  

SIDEBAR: Personal note to Troy Polamalu: I mean, seriously? You make Pro Bowls, you get shampoo commercials, and the never-ending affection of football writers and then you become the personal punching bag of Tim Tebow and Demaryius Thomas? That’s an embarrassment. The only safety play I have ever seen more pathetic than your play on Sunday was when Dan Orlovsky ran out the back of the end zone. You should cut off all of your hair as penance. Or retire. Whatever.

But I’m not here to talk about the past. Let’s move on. To the Divisional Playoffs. I am riding an incredible picking streak. The Broncos are playing a full 2 weeks after anyone expected them to. At this point, we are all playing with house money, so in the immortal words of Joel Goodson I just say:

What the f**k.

Saturday

New Orleans @ San Francisco

First Half: New Orleans (-3)

Full Game: New Orleans (-3.5)

One team is the NFL’s own Air Show – an on-going series of aerial acrobatics by a group of interchangeable parts.

The other team is the earth-moving machine that the guys in Ocean’s Thirteen used to dig underneath the casino – slow, methodical, barely making noise yet constantly moving forward and seemingly unstoppable as it slowly crushes all in front of it.

Can the Saints’ aerial bombardment “shock and awe” the Niners into submission? Will the Niners stout, quick defense disrupt the Saints show and turn into one of those European Air Show disasters?

Playing the Niners presents 2 major challenges to the Saints – first the Niners defenders aren’t like the Lions. They are built for speed. Aldon Smith. Navarro Bowman. Patrick Willis. They all have speed.

Secondly, as the old saying that I just made up goes: you can take the team out of the dome, but you can’t take the dome out of the team. Even with the forecasted pleasant bay area weather, the Saints will face strange winds, thick, plush grass and cool, heavy air. None of those are things they see in the SuperDome – except maybe the heavy air caused by 75,000 fans stuffed with gumbo and boudin.

Between the Saints being a step slow and the speed of the Niners defense, I think the machine will be slightly off – like when your computer is running yet another Microsoft update in the background and every. Thing. It. Does. Goes. Very. Slowly.

On the other side of the ball, the Niners can minimize the risk associated with the phrase ‘starting playoff quarterback Alex Smith’ by pounding the ball. The Saints aren’t built on defense for a pounding ground game. As Alabama proved last weekend in their National Semifinal defeat of Oklahoma State, a dominant defense grounding a high flying offense and a meticulous power offense that limits mistakes can win.

What’s that?…College doesn’t have a playoff?… So we have no idea if Alabama could shut down OSU’s offense?…I don’t understand…The country’s 2^nd most popular sport can’t identify a definitive champion? …HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?

Anyway – back to a sport that crowns a true champion. The Saints may move the ball in the first half and score a touchdown or two before the Niners adjust and throw a wrench in the machine so take the Saints and give the points in the first half.

In the second half, like a horror movie murderer that never runs but always catches the running teen girl in the tight fitting tank top, the Niners slowly ground down the Saints defense and clog their offense. The Niners not only cover the full game spread but win out-right.

Denver @ New England

First Half: New England (-7)

Full Game: New England (-13.5)

The Broncos are on a crusade.

Oh, yes – there is the “Drive to the Super Bowl” and whatnot but that isn’t what this team is about. The whole ‘glories on Earth’ thing is beneath them. They aren’t after trophies.

They are after souls.

At the end of the 1997-1998 season, the Broncos entered the playoffs as a wildcard and embarked on the ‘Revenge’ Tour as each week featured a team that they felt they owed. The Jaguars (wildcard) had beaten them in the previous year’s playoffs. The Chiefs (divisional) and Steelers (AFC championship) had beaten the Broncos during the regular season and the Packers (Super Bowl) were defending champs.

The 1997 Broncos were a Quentin Tarantino character without even realizing it.

This year’s Bronco team isn’t out to revenge past defeats. Rather they have taken on their leader’s persona and are out to vanquish evil doers. The Broncos aren’t beating football teams, they’re cleansing a game’s morals. One Commandment at a time.

Last week, was the defeat of a rapist.

Allegedly.

Next comes a cheat and philanderer.

Allegedly.

And then, were the Broncos to defeat the Patriots and face the Ravens (favored over the Texans), they would face thieves (that stole a team from the people of Cleveland) and a murderer (<cough>Ray Lewis<cough>).

Allegedly.

In three short weeks, the Broncos can cleanse these playoffs of the sinners.

They can exorcise the demons. This house will be clear.

But can good truly triumph over evil again? The odds are long. But they were also long against a Jewish carpenter once, and raise your hand if you just got home from worshipping Jupiter and Juno.

The Broncos have 2 things going for them (beyond the existential power of the Heavens). First Tebow requires poor secondary play to throw the ball well – he needs receivers with some space thanks to less than Brady-esque confidence and accuracy (see: Steelers and Vikings games). Thankfully, the Patriots have a pass defense as bad as anyone in the NFL.

Secondly, while the Patriots did dominate the Broncos a few weeks ago, they dominated because of Broncos mistakes. Three awful turnovers before half turned a lead into a deficit – and these Broncos are as likely to stage a large comeback as they are to make it rain at The Gold Club.

History has also shown that while the Patriots may be consistently strong, their Achilles heel has been playoff re-matches at home (last year vs. Jets and 2 years ago vs. Ravens).

I am tempted to say take the Patriots in the first half, but I think at best, they get a push with the 7 point spread.

It is just too many points. Take the Broncos for the first half and full game and feel the warmth and strength that comes with being on the side of the just.

I woke up in Tallahassee this morning for the first time in about 4 years and last time I saw almost nothing outside of our RV tailgate and the stadium. I haven’t spent real time in Tallahassee since about 2002. Going to get coffee this morning, Turner and I walked around downtown Tallahassee, admiring the brick roads, old buildings and Spanish moss hanging from the trees. A rain storm passed through last night and the weather is perfect; almost cool in the shade but warm in the sun with low humidity. In the, shockingly cool, dry air a hint of anticipation rides over everything as everyone in town has only one thing on their mind: the game.

In summary, I am in heaven.

I am almost left feeling a little pre-emptively sad for when we leave on Sunday. After the anticipation and build up: returning to a town where I lived for seven years and really grew up for what is the biggest college football game of the season – and the last 10 years for Florida State.

I am also feeling nostalgic for the ‘good old days’ – when FSU had top five match-ups every year and I was a young wide-eyed kid from the mountains of Colorado.

Our THH theme this week seems especially appropriate for my current wistful mindset. All about the here and the now versus the past.

Let’s just hope that Saturday night combines the best of both worlds; a great game today that reminds me of the dominant FSU teams of yesterday.

Turner couldn’t join us this week, as he is curled up in the fetal position, mumbling ‘Boomer Sooner’ to himself repeatedly preparing for tomorrow. But old friend Shadow is doing double duty this week.

Shadow: I am going to Hawaii on Monday.  For a week.  Just me and Mrs. Shadow.  This should make me happy.  So why do I only feel complete jealousy at Superdave and Turner spending 96 hours of quality time with college football, alcohol, food that is bad for you, and meaningful talks late into the night like in Stand by Me.  Let’s get to the hate before I start to get verklempt (again).

The Rules: One team in each of our THH match-ups had a distinguished period where they were one of the best around while the other is currently one of the best teams (sort of like a certain game in the panhandle of Florida this weekend). Which team do you like more – the one that was great or the one that is great?

(Clarification: the past team is based on the team at that time. So if you were a huge Ken Dorsey fan, he would be a deciding factor, not the current Cane trainwreck)

College:

Utah v BYU

SD: So we are stretching things a little as Utah went from BCS buster and perennial Cinderella to mid-pack PAC-12 team. But they are still more relevant than a BYU team that won a national championship in the eighties but now annually has 1 or 2 decent wins and 1 or 2 head scratching losses. Just like another mediocre, independent religious school that gets slightly more publicity for no reason. I am just happy to make a Notre Dame joke when discussing two completely unrelated schools. I will take Utah here, simply it is still a travesty that BYU won the national title over OU in 1985. (I have now fulfilled a contractual obligation to say one nice thing about OU.

Shadow: This one really has me torn.  For most of my teenagehood I absolutely hated BYU because I was a huge Air Force fan and was pretty much going to be a fighter pilot when I grew up.  But for one really screwed up year, I was in love with a Mormon girl, so I convinced myself I loved BYU….to the point where I even applied to go there.  Because of these conflicting memories…I think I will just go with the Utes.

OSU v Miami

SD: The U of old was easy to hate. No team has ever embraced the bad guy role like the late 80’s/early 90’s Miami teams. It was a more innocent time in the late 80’s, back when a young naïve Alaskan sportscasters could sleep with a visiting college athlete without worrying whether it would end their political aspirations and implode something called the internet that had yet to be given to the public. The U was something new, and for many people, kind of scary. They wanted to be loathed. They fed on people’s hate (and on really nice meals paid for by Luther Campbell eaten off of strippers). I miss that. I may have hated The U, but I loved the U for that. It gave us an enemy. But they were also so incredibly talented that you had to respect both their play and their “I don’t give a f**k.” attitude. I wish more teams would embrace the Darth Vader role. In fact, if another extremely talented team in Miami would tap their inner-U they would be a lot more entertaining. But LeBron wants to be Jerry Rice, not Michael Irvin. And because of that he will never be as legendary as either.

Shadow: Since one of my greatest wishes is for both of these teams to forever be irrelevant, this is an excellent use of the hierarchy.  Miami isn’t in my favorite team’s conference.  Point in their favor.  I also think they were royally screwed in their title game against OSU.  Point in their favor.  Plus when they were the cream of the college football crop, they were actually pretty fun to watch.  I could never say that about any incarnation of OSU.  GO Canes.

NFL:

Jacksonville @ NY Jets

SD: It is easy to forget now, that for a few years the Jaguars were considered one of the 2 or 3 best teams in the NFL. They almost always had a great regular season record and got close in the playoffs before losing short of the Super Bowl. Mark Brunell, Fred Taylor, Jimmy Smith and Tom Coughlin were the Philip Rivers, LaDanian Tomlinson, Vince Jackson and Norv Turner of their day. But since I attended the game where the Broncos beat them on their way to their first Super Bowl victory in 1997, I can’t have much hatred. Not nearly as much as I have for loud-talking, lots-of-food eating Rex Ryan and swimsuit model/part-time quarterback Mark Sanchez.

Shadow: Seeing as how Jacksonville’s window of distinction coincides with brutal memories of what could have been a third ring for Elway and TD, I just can’t see myself on their side.  I may dislike Rex and San-Cheez, but part of it is minor jealousy when I think the Broncos aren’t too far behind the Jets personnel-wise, yet we fail to win close games where the Jets seem to.  I guess I will pull for the Broadway Boys here.

Green Bay @ Carolina

SD: It says something that football junkie Shadow questioned the inclusion of the Panthers as a ‘team that was once one of the best around’. A victim of timing, lost in the sands of time as one of those anonymous teams that lead the NFC in a time of AFC dominance it is easy to forget tha tin a 3 year span they played in both a Super Bowl and 2 NFC title games. Sort of like the Browns of the late 80’s – without a defining failure like The Drive or The Fumble. However, I really like our reigning Super Bowl champs. A happy, young, tight-knit team with a strong front office and the best fan base in sports. So Go Pack Go. Wipe away the memories of Jake Delhomme and Muhsin Muhammed. It is time for Panther fans to create a new dynasty anyway. Sort of like my Noles. 32 hours to kick off, gulp…

Shadow: A funny thing happens when your team isn’t QB’d by a tired, old gunslinger who should have been glue years ago…..you become instantly more likeable.  Maybe it is still part of the Super Bowl hangover and watching them put it to one of my least favorite teams….but the Panthers don’t have a shot here.  I will take the championship belt antics of Aaron Rodgers and the rest of the Cheeseheads.

I arrived in Texas this morning.

Sadly, I was hoping I would land in the middle of a Anchorman-style back-alley brawl with A&M, Texas and Baylor alumni groups fighting to the death but instead it is just hot and dry and flat like usual. Too bad.

Though for the record, if any local alumni group is throwing a trident in a back-alley brawl it is absolutely the alumni group from Rice.

Being in Dallas also puts me in the mind of the Cowboys and the NFC. With Jerry’s spaceship visible for 50 miles in every direction it is hard to not think about the Cowboys when you are here. Even if your one trip to Jerryworld was less than ideal (though that trip still generates more hits than every other post on this site combined, so I really can’t say too much negative about Mr. Jones).

With Jerry in mind then, let’s pick this year’s NFC Champion as well as our eventual Super Bowl Champ.

NFC East

Obviously the trendy pick here is the Eagles. In fact, it is so obvious that it is clear to me that it will never happen (call that Vizzini logic). Have you noticed that all of the key players on the Eagles are physically small? Vick, McCoy, DeSean Jackson, Nnamdi Asomugha. All are slight for professional football players. On the positive side, this means they won’t be cursed with man-boobs later in life, but on the negative it means that they are more susceptible to injury today. It is hard for me to see all of them making it throught he season unscathed, most likely because neither DeSean nor Vick ever has. I think that will allow the Cowboys, flying under the radar for the first time in 2 decades, to sneak in and take the division. If Romo can stay healthy and the defense plays to its potential it won’t take much for the Cowboys to be the most overrated football team in America by early October (especially with Notre Dame already proving that they are a joke). The Giants look like the very definition of mediocrity to me and the Redskins actually had a quarterback competition between Rex Grossmann and John Beck. Even worse it was for starter!

Winner: Cowboys 11-5

Wild Card: Eagles 10-6

NFC North

The home of our Super Bowl champion Green Bay Packers but also home to 2010 division winners Chicago Bears and trendy sleeper pick Detroit Lions (as well as a Vikings team that went from overrated to afterthought in less than a year thanks to one forty plus year old former drug addict. Explain that one to your kids). Two things to remember about the 2010 Packers. First, they needed the Lions beating the Bucs in Tampa to even make the playoffs on a tiebreaker. Second, they had something like 17 regular players out with injuries at various times throughout the season yet still won 3 straight road playoff games and the Super Bowl. Basically, what I am saying is that I don’t see any way they don’t cruise to an easy NFC North title this year. I think the Bears fail to achieve last year’s heights due to (1) tougher division champ schedule (2) defense that is a year older and (3) an even mopier Jay Cutler who dumped the only person in America that doesn’t despise him. The Lions still feel too young to me. Or maybe they are too Matt Stafford-y for me; relying on a guy who doesn’t make it through a 16-game regular season on Madden without an injury. The Vikings brought in Donovan McNabb 3 years too late and therefore will get a lot of garbage time in December for young Christian Ponder, whose accuracy I have a new found respect for after watching EJ Manuel last weekend.

Winner: Packers 12-4

NFC South

Last year’s NFC South champion Falcons have all the earmarks of a perennial division champion. Unfortunately that division champion is named the Norv Turner-era San Diego Chargers. Like the Chargers, the Falcons have a young quarterback with a bland name and relatively bland game. Both undeniably talented but never destined to date a super model. Solid but not spectacular defenses. And regular season success followed up by post-season failure. The Falcons feel like a team that will make the playoffs every other year; the years they get a soft schedule for placing poorly in their divisions the year before. The Saints, on the other hand, made every right move. They jettisoned Kardashian-loving, Heisman-returning Reggie Bush, who could never quite fit and replaced him with Heisman holding Mark Ingram and Darren Sproles who is best known as L.T.’s former back-up in San Diego and the inspiration for my favorite gambling phrase. More importantly, after giving up a spectacular run to Marshawn Lynch in the playoffs they also shored up their defensive line. Their only competition looks to come from Tampa Bay, where a young group of cast-offs may be in the process of forming a new super team. Thankfully, for my sanity and Fox’s ratings, I think we are at least one more year away from a Lions/Bucs NFC Championship.

Winner: Saints 12-4

Wildcard: Buccaneers 10-6

NFC West

It is interesting that every time I write about an entire NFL conference I end with the West. In this case, last is MOST CERTAINLY least. After giving us our first ever Division winner with a losing record last year, it seems that the NFC West somehow got worse in the offseason. This would be like finding out a Bachelor contestant got more desperate after their time on the show. Or that the cast of Jersey Shore are more embarrassing when the cameras aren’t rolling. It might be the most underreported story of the year. The Seahawks lost Matt Hasselbeck and now look to either Tavares Jackson or the original Clipboard Jesus, Charlie Whitehurst, as their every down quarterback. But at least they have no talent around him to take off the pressure. The 49ers are the same every year: plenty of talent but lacking enough talent in important areas <cough> Alex Smith <cough> to ever really compete. The Cardinals have pinned all of their hopes to a former back-up that played about one game last year. The Cardinals think they got the next Philip Rivers. I think they got the next Trent Green. The Rams, on the other hand look like a young team headed in the right direction. They still have no receivers for Sam Bradford to throw to (Danny Amendola…seriously???) but after being one game short of the playoffs last year I think they can make it this year.

Winner: Rams 10-6

Wildcard

Eagles at Rams – looks like we are still a year away from the Lions, Bucs and Rams becoming this generation’s version of the 1990’s 49ers, Cowboys and Packers. God help us all. Eagles win.

Buccaneers at Cowboys – Say what you want about Tony Romo in high pressure situations but he knows how to win at home against overmatched teams. Cowboys win.

Divisional Playoffs

Cowboys at Packers – Say what you want about Tony Romo in high pressure situations but on the road in hostile conditions against good teams he turns into a quivering blob of jelly. Packers win.

Eagles at Saints – Remember that one time that Drew Brees and Sean Payton hosted an important game in the Super Dome and lost? Yeah me neither. Saints win and Spike Lee is inspired to create a 10 hour documentary about the horrors of dog fighting.

NFC Championship

Packers at Saints – A battle of our last two Super Bowl winners in probably the most painful Hierarchy of Hate decision I will have to make until the Seminoles go pro and are put in the Broncos division. I like everything about both of these teams: the players, the cities, the uniforms. Even that they were once quarterbacked by Lynn Dickey and Bobby Hebert. This game is just too close to call. I will take the Vegas way out and give the 3-point win to the home team.

(Note: please don’t ask why I think the Saints are the home team with both teams having equal regular season records. If Roger Goodell doesn’t have to explain any of his arbitrary decisions, neither do I).

NFC Champion: New Orleans Saints

Super Bowl

Saints vs. Steelers

The dirty secret about the Steelers is that they are starting to get older. James Harrison only has so many more cheap shots left in him. Troy Polamalu is already chasing that sweet shampoo money because he knows time stops for no man, even those with hair down to their waist. Hines Ward was in such bad shape that his off-season workout was limited to ballroom dancing! After a season beating up on the slower AFC North and taking a pounding in the process, the Steelers are in no shape to chase the speedy Saints all over the field for 60 minutes.

The first Hand Grenade from Tropical Isle is on me. Saints win another Super Bowl.

It is too bad that Christina Aguilera sang the National Anthem and the Black Eyed Peas performed at halftime because this Super Bowl was made for Gaga.

This game was for the ladies.

They even cut back on the beer commercials and those ridiculously bad godaddy.com ads.

In a game defined by the quarterbacks, Aaron Rodgers, he who had to replace a legend of field and text in Green Bay, just won a Super Bowl by defeating a quarterback who tortured dogs and one that tortured women. There are most likely no two players more reviled by the casual female football fan than Michael Vick and Ben Roethlisberger, so it seems appropriate that our new champion defeated them both on the way to the title.

Karma is a bitch and tonight she wears a cheesehead.

Aaron Rodgers got so little help from his offensive mates – whether it was receivers dropping passes or running backs gaining no yardage – that it is hard to imagine an offense more wholly dependent on one player that still won the Super Bowl. Yet, time and again, when necessary Rodgers faced the pressure from the Steelers defense and threw passes more accurate than Aguillera’s version of the anthem.

This isn’t to take away from the great game played by the Packers defense. They put the ball in Big Ben’s hands – a tactic I don’t think anyone would have recommended – put the pressure on him and watched the worst come out in him.

With the ball and two minutes on the clock, Ben had his opportunity to stake his claim as the best big game quarterback of this generation. And he came up 4 and out.

Ben had more of a running game than Rodgers (126 yards to 50). He didn’t have nearly the number of egregious drops that Rodgers suffered. Yet, he came up short in the end. Based on his history (setting aside his Super Bowl record stink bomb versus the Seahawks), it was Roethlisberger’s stage. His team had the momentum. He had Miller and Ward – players with experience. But in the end, the Packers defense got inside Big Ben’s head like the windshield of an SUV. He rushed passes, took sacks and took hits while throwing the ball. His first half pick-six came when his arm was hit by a defender as he released the ball – turning the pass into such a floater it would have been in Nick Collins’ rights to waive the fair catch signal as it dropped to him. Despite the impressive resume and long list of experience it was Roethlisberger that came up short in the end, not the first timer, Rodgers.

I don’t remember which announcer said it now (it might have been Aikman) but it was noted before the game that the Packers liked their 3^rd and 4^th receivers in match-ups versus the Steelers 3^rd and 4^th d-backs. This might have been the smartest thing an analyst said all year. It was obvious from the beginning that Jordy Nelson would be seeing the ball more than he had since he left K-State. While it worked early, it was a good reminder why these guys are back-ups after Nelson, James Jones and Brett Swain had critical drops.

Yet in spite of several first downs bouncing off the chests and hands of his receivers, Rodgers continued to lay perfect passes right where they needed to be. In the end it was enough.

I freely admit that I often apply way too many superstitious or spiritual reasons to the results of sports events. Whether it is thinking my watching impacts a game. Or the shirt I put on causing my team to lose, I am notorious for looking for these signs.

But, tonight things just feel right. Rodgers is, by all accounts, a good guy and without a doubt overcame significant doubters and non-believers to make it to the Super Bowl. Clay Matthews, despite his pedigree, has fought every inch of the way to being one of the best defenders in the league. The publicly owned Packers are a great yet humble franchise. Charlese Woodson and Donald Driver are two of the really fine veterans in the league.

In other words, the Packers are deserving. They are the right team to win the title. Sometimes talent and the gods align to make sure that the right team wins.

The NFL faces the potential for an extended work stoppage. This might have been the last real NFL game we see for quite awhile.

I like to think that somewhere up above, the football gods looked down, took out their balance and weighed the trophy resting with a team led by a guy suspended for 4 games for his 2^nd sexual misconduct allegation and a fan-base slightly too willing to forgive him versus a player and a team that has faced nothing but criticism and skepticism for the last several years.

She made the right decision.

If this is the last game we see for awhile, it is only fitting that the NFL championship goes back to Titletown.

Today, I am excited and sad.

The Super Bowl signifies the end of another college football season. While I am excited for a team to hoist the Lombardi Trophy on Sunday, it also means that we have 7 football-less months ahead of us.

Given the labor situation in the NFL, we may have even longer than usual until another meaningful NFL, so we need to drink this one up like one of those new Super Gulp lattes at Starbucks.

Frankly, if the naysayers are right and the NFL seizes up in the offseason (or the world ends like the Mayans predicted), we couldn’t ask for a better game to go out on. Two historic franchises. Two widespread fan bases. Two fast, strong defenses. Two of the best quarterbacks in the league. Quarterbacks dating Hollywood stars. Players with legal and ethical problems. Fat, drunk fans. Basically this is the NFL of the 21^st century all summed up in a single game.

Let’s just hope it lives up to the expectations. That way when the machines take over after the apocalypse next year and they ask us to explain football we can just pull out the NFL Films DVD of this game.

But before our mechanical overlords gain dominion over our feeble human souls, we have a game to watch! Who to cheer on though? Thankfully our handy annual Super Bowl THH extravaganza provides a no nonsense, straightforward way for those of us not from the frozen tundra or three rivers to find a team to cheer on.  

In preparation for the machines moving in and taking over, Turner is getting ahead of the crowd and has run off to the jungles of Costa Rica. You may question the masculinity of a ‘football fan’ that decides to spend Super Bowl weekend playing with monkeys in the rain forest, but who will be the last one laughing when he is a Costan Rican Col. Kurtz and we are all working in the Molybdenum mines for our automated leaders?

Shadow: The other morning my 4 year old son gave me one of the most cogent arguments yet for hating the Steelers.  To quote him, “Dad, I don’t like the Steelers because they steal the ball.”  A couple of things I learned that morning other than that my son has a great future in hate:  it is pretty much impossible to impress upon a 4 year old the concept of homonyms or the subtleties of heavy industry in the Rust Belt.  I promised Turner (AWOL on the biggest THH of the year…and not even present in America for the big game….this is setting a dangerous precedent) and SuperDave that I would try my best to be unbiased and stand true to the principles of THH, even though with every passing story on the “redemption” of Big Ben, I want to poke chopsticks into my ears.  On we go!  P.S.  When I hit Vegas in 2 weeks, should be able to get some action on the Broncos at like 100-1 to win the next Super Bowl.  I will definitely plop down $10 on that prop.

1 – Hometown where you would rather live: Green Bay vs. Pittsburgh

SD: I have visited both cities for a very short period of time. It may be unfair that Pittsburgh was for a concert and baseball game while Green Bay was for work and I was just passing through. But rather than waxing poetic about the surprising beauty of Pittsburgh: whether it is the hills over the river or the nicest baseball stadium in the country. I will dock points from Green Bay, as my only real interaction there was with a Hooters waitress who was shocked (shocked!) that my colleague stared at her chest. At a Hooters. In her skin tight little outfit. Mock outrage annoys me.

Steelers 1, Packers 0

Shadow: As Denver struggles through a week that brought us sub-zero high temperatures, it is hard to imagine having to live out winters in a place like Green Bay.  However, this is really a battle between big city and small town (relatively speaking).  I spent the first 24 years of my life in either very small town (Denison, Iowa, population 5000 or so) or semi-small town (Colorado Springs and Greeley).  As much as I love living in a city that offers me every major sport, and many of the minor ones too….I can’t help but be attracted to the idea that an entire town rallies and defines themselves around a single major storied sports franchise. 

Green Bay 1- Pittsburgh 0

2 – Hometown food: Sausage and cheese vs. sandwich with fries on it

SD: I do not like to mix my food together unless it is Mexican or Chinese food. A pastrami sandwich is fine with fries on the side. It is just extravagant to put them right on the sandwich. However sausage and cheese is one of God’s finest creations. Right after the defibrillator.

Steelers 1, Packers 1

Shadow: My arteries shrivel up a bit just thinking about sausage and cheese, and the aftermath of a binge on those food products would wreak havoc on my 39 year old digestive system.  A sandwich with fries on it?  Sounds like I only get an hour for lunch, and I spent 50 minutes of it waiting in line at Primanti Bros., and now I have only 10 minutes to consume it, so I need to get it all over with at once.  It also sounds divine. 

Green Bay 1- Pittsburgh 1

3 – Better legacy: Lombardi Trophy or Rooney Rule

SD: The Rooney Rule is sort of the third rail for white sportswriters. You can’t really be against it, can you? Well, I am. Not because I don’t think African Americans deserve an opportunity to coach but because to me it is a total insult to force someone to interview for a position that they have no chance at getting. Like the Cowboys: they knew they were hiring Jason Garrett, yet some poor sacrificial African-American went in and tried his best for a position that he has no chance to get. That is an improvement? The Rooney Rule was a great idea, and is admirable in theory but insulting in practice. The Lombardi Trophy is the opposite. It is simple, clean and the best trophy in sports. Sure it is a little odd to name a sports trophy after a Broadway play, but I would still take the Lombardi Trophy over the Phantom of the Opera Trophy.

Steelers 1, Packers 2

Shadow: Someone should ask Lamar Hunt how he feels about the “legacy” of his trophy.  Oh…he is dead?  Nevermind.  As much as I waver back and forth on the principle of affirmative action and whether it is effective or not…I do have to say that the intention behind the Rooney Rule is admirable, even if in execution it is at times flawed. 

Green Bay 1- Pittsburgh 2

4 – Better Industrial Mascot: Packer vs. Steeler

SD: What is a steeler? Is that really a profession? Does someone ‘steel’ when making Steel? I feel like that is a made up verb like schooling (i.e. “I am schooling you on the blacktop”). You can’t just use a noun as a verb. Trust me, I did really well in Spelling and Vocab back in high school. Packer clearly articulates the action people do as part of their job. Sure, it has taken on some non-macho connotations over the years since the team came into existence, but that is still better than made-up words. Although I bet a lot of the ‘steelers’ in the world are greatly ‘incentivized’ by my hating on their fake, made-up verbs. They will probably start ‘sexting’ me rude, nearly anatomically impossible messages.

Steelers 1, Packers 3

Shadow: How many movies do we see that strive to glorify the now-nearly dead profession of working in the local small town steel mill?  Too many.  It’s just not fair.  Where is justice for the lowly meat packer?  Right here, baby! 

Green Bay 2- Pittsburgh 2

5 – Better excessive feature on a defensive lineman: Brett Keisel’s beard vs.BJ Raji’s stomach

SD: I like a nice, jiggly belly as much as the next guy. Every time I watch Phil Mickelson’s jiggly body in those fashionable form-fitting clothes, it makes me feel better about my approaching middle-age and the subsequent drooping and jiggliness. But, that doesn’t compare at all to the magnificence of Keisel’s beard. Being follicle-y challenged wide of my chin, I absolutely have beard envy of Keisel. I know if I sat on my couch and ate nothing but donuts, sausage, cheese and beer for a year or two I could start to challenge BJ Raji’s bowl full of jelly. But nothing I could do would help me grow the Jeremiah Johnson swallowing Keisel’s face.

Steelers 2, Packers 3

Shadow: This one is too easy.  As a person who has traversed life’s paths being progressively labeled:  husky, chubby, big-boned, plump, and just plain old fat, I will always have a soft-spot for those gigantic bellied lineman.  Loved Raji’s interception return in the NFC Championship game! 

Green Bay 3-Pittsburgh 2

6 – Better national championship team: Charles Woodson’s 1997 Michigan team vs. Maurkice Pouncey’s 2008 Florida team

SD: Well it is 2011, and as far as I can tell, in this year Big Ten teams are incapable of beating SEC teams, so who am I to argue with the rest of the country? That Michigan team avoided the other best teams in the country (Nebraska, Tennessee and Florida State), played a weak Big Ten schedule and beat Ryan Leaf (before he went insane) in the Rose Bowl. UF beat the 2 of the 3 best teams in the country  – Alabama and Oklahoma plus FSU (sure, they were down by they are still the Noles). I hate to say something nice about Florida, but I am pretty sure the ’08 UF team would have killed that ’97 Michigan team. Even if Urban Meyer retired two or three times before the game to spend time with his family. And by family I mean ESPN.

Steelers 3, Packers 3

Shadow: Big 10 Pride all the way.  Funny that both these teams were QB’d by future Broncos:  Brian Griese and Tim Tebow.  Iowa arguably gave Michigan their toughest challenge during that 1997 campaign, and anytime I can slip Iowa into the conversation, that is obviously the side of the equation that will win. 

Green Bay 4-Pittsburgh 2

7- Better celebrity look-alike: Nelson (AJ Hawk, Clay Matthews) vs. Omar Epps (Mike Tomlin)

SD: I couldn’t be happier that 2 Packers linebackers have resurrected Nelson, and allowed us to re-watch this classic of my youth. ‘Classic’ here being defined as something we loathed at the time but has grown to become a funny, lovable nostalgic joke with hindsight. Does it make me feel guilty that I read this week that Hawk keeps his hair long as a tribute to Pat Tillman? A little. But all the more reason to pay tribute here. Sorry Omar. I am sure another sports movie script will come along soon to make you feel better.

Steelers 3, Packers 4

Shadow: The Green Bay entry into this question includes someone from THE Ohio State University.  Automatic disqualification.  Plus, I will never forgive Nelson for starting out as a band called Powertool, and singing the song, “Two Heads are Better than One” on the Bill & Ted’s soundtrack.  I loved that song and (this was pre-internet folks) scoured the record stores every week with my friends waiting for Powertool to release an album of their own.  When we finally found out that they were really the Nelson brothers….I immediately bought a Megadeth album to re-establish my street cred, and vowed to put the whole sordid episode behind me.  Thanks for drudging up the bad memories SuperDave! 

Green Bay 4-Pittsburgh 3

8 – Wide receiver more likely to get his own toothpaste commercial: Donald Driver or Hines Ward

SD: Hines Ward never stops smiling. Whether he is taking a cheap shot at a defender, cracking back on a blitzing linebacker or insulting his quarterback through the press, he is always smiling. Donald Driver may not smile quite as much but every time it is like another sun has cracked the northern Wisconsin sky. His teeth probably glow in the dark like Ross on Friends. I would buy that toothpaste.

Steelers 3, Packers 5

Shadow: Only two groups of people like Hines Ward:  his teammates and Steeler fans.  I don’t think anyone wants him as a pitchman. 

Green Bay 5- Pittsburgh 3

9 – If you had to have girlie hair which would you choose: Clay Mathews, Troy Polamalu

SD: Polamalu’s hair looks like lots of work plus it looks very expensive. Can you imagine how much shampoo he goes through each time he washes his hair? He probably goes through a bottle every other week. Very pricey. Matthews on the other hand, doesn’t look like he washes his hair more than once or twice per month. You never want to be spending money on your hair that you can save for more important things. Like manicures and pedicures.

Steelers 3, Packers 6

Shadow: Troy is probably the one Steeler I most covet in terms of who I would love to see playing for the Broncos.  It’s not really due to his hair…but if by saying nice things about him somehow brings good karma to the Broncos when it comes time for them to load up on defense in the 2011 Draft…I am more than happy to do it.  Plus, his shampoo commercials are starting to rival some of Peyton Manning’s best work. 

Green Bay 5- Pittsburgh 4

10 – Ex-Girlfriend of QBs: SI swimsuit model Julie Henderson or pro golfer Natalie Gulbis

SD: Gulbis is cute and all, and has a great body – especially for a golfer. But that doesn’t mean she is a swimsuit model. Sorry, Natalie. Like your performance in other Majors, you come up a little short in this one.

Steelers 3, Packers 7

Shadow: I don’t care how hot I once (okay maybe still do) thought Natalie Gulbis was.  Anyone who is actually romantically linked at any time to the Steeler’s current QB is immediately dropped 5.2 notches on the desirability ladder.  Good thing that I can totally appreciate Aaron Rodger’s ex, especially when she is only wearing body paint in SI.  Sometimes less is absolutely more. 

Green Bay 6-Pittsburgh 4

11 – Scandal you would rather see: Brett Favre drunkenly stumbling on to the field in the 2nd quarter like Dennis Hopper in Hoosiers or Jerome Bettis caught in a Dallas strip club trying to get a free lap dance because he is “retiring after one last game in his home town”

SD: I am torn by this one, as it would make my year….no…my decade…if either of these things happen. But the one thing that puts Brett over the top is imagining Joe Buck announcing Favre stumbling on to the field in his flat monotone:

Buck: “…Mendenhall is taken down for a gain of 7 and a first down…and, here comes Brett Favre on to the field. Not sure what he is doing down there. He is stumbling around and looks confused. Head’s up play by Favre here to stem the Steelers as they start to gain momentum.”

Aikman: “That’s a great point Joe. That shows how great of a leader he is. Think about that. He hasn’t been a Packer for three years, yet here he is, sacrificing himself to help them win a Super Bowl.”

Buck: “He truly is the finest American I have known since Jack Clark.”

Aikman: “That’s a great point Joe. If only Favre would run for President, America would be headed in the right direction.”

Buck: “I couldn’t agree more Troy. And you would know, having played against him several times. Maybe you could be his Vice President. No one could argue with that ticket’s will to win.”

Aikman: “That’s a great point Joe.”

 Now, THAT would be an appropriate way to summarize football as we know it in the 21^st Century.

Steelers 3, Packers 8 – GO PACK GO

Shadow: Bonus Question.  Green Bay has already wrapped it up…..and here they put the spike and Lambeau Leap on the proceedings as a broken down Brett Favre charging the proceedings and somehow managing to get one of his pics he sent to Jen Sterger on Dallas’ SuperJumboTron (in an attempt to make things look larger) would be the best capper to an otherwise boring Super Bowl 40+5.  Final Score Green Bay 7-Pittsburgh 4

I won’t go as far as to wear green and yellow, or wear a cheesehead….but I will definitely be sitting on my couch, cursing out the Steelers, and pulling for the Packers.  And with that…sadly, the THH is retired for another year.  PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE work out the labor situation.  7 months is already too long to have to wait for the next season…don’t make it even longer!