It is tough time for THH at the Super Dave Bat Cave this week. After spending 36 hours in transit from India yesterday (and the day before and maybe a little bit of today and just a small piece of tomorrow), I returned, not to a ticker tape parade but instead to piles and piles of work. All of which needs to be completed before heading of to the City of Sins with the THH contingent tomorrow morning.

Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way complaining about my weekend in Vegas. We have only been planning it for 6 months. It is just hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel with your face stuck in the grill of a locomotive.

Anyway, with that, it is time to dive into hatred. We have tried to focus on the biggest college match-ups each week this season but despite this week having some great games we won’t be hitting them. Our allegiances are already clearly defined for these games: either by the teams we love (Oklahoma, Iowa) or the teams we hate (Florida). There is no suspense in these games. Our rooting interests are clear. So instead this week we focus on the obscure and unique.

If this week’s THH were a joke it would have been written by Dennis Miller.

Turner: Honorary Pre-Vegas Edition.  Like my time at the blackjack table, this edition will be short

Shadow: I have Vegas fever…..and I like it!  This week will be an abbreviated return to Hate as I prepare to pack up and ship this Shadow south to hit the glitzy Strip and make me some money at the tables.  I cannot think of a better way to spend a weekend than chilling with Turner, Super Dave, and Lemonster in Sin City putting our hard-earned money where our mouth is and trying to win big.  In honor of the ‘very short’ THH that SD requested, I shall put all my responses in the form of Haiku.

College

Florida Atlantic @ South Florida

SD: I always feel bad for FAU. They share a city and are confused with the oxymoronically named Florida International (last I checked Florida was still in the US. It just feels like Latin America). FAU’s location as implied by their name is only narrowed down to ‘the entire Atlantic coast of Florida’. I am sure in the world before Mapquest, there were poor incoming freshmen who drove the length of I-95 in the state trying to find the school.  Compare that to South Florida, who has gone out of their way to confuse people by not being located very far south yet adding it to the title. That is just rude. At least FAU is factually correct, if not a little vague.

Turner: Atlantic Ocean vs. Gulf of Mexico.  No doubt.  Clearwater and warmer waters win every time. Go Bulls

Shadow:

Bulls are not scary

When Owls swoop in from Boca

Geezer City Rules

Arizona State @ Oregon State

SD: As has been stated many times here I am a Beaver legacy. I have stated it many times for 2 reasons: 1 – it is just a fun sentence to write and 2 – it is true (my dad re-paved the basketball court at the Fiji house in Corvallis, back in the day. Though I am guessing after 40 years it might have needed touching up since). So even though I am heading off to the desert tomorrow and ASU would be the logical pick I can’t turn my back on my roots. Plus, I have sworn that the only parlays I will bet this weekend are the THH parlay (Turner’s, Shadow’s and my favorite teams) and my family parlay (betting all of my family’s alma maters to win: OSU, Mizzou, Wyoming and THE Florida State University). So, for many reasons, expect to hear some guy in an FSU cap to be yelling this in the MGM Sports book on Saturday: “OOOOO SSSSS UUUUUUU Oregon State, fight, fight, fight.”

Turner: Going to Vegas – is the Devils chasing you or are you chasing the Beavers?  Given I’m now 36, balding and fat, I think it is the former so I have to go with Arizona State in this one

Shadow:

I prefer “beavers”

On the Sun Devil coeds,

Not Oregon State.

NFL

Cincinnati @ Cleveland

SD: The battle of Ohio has become a regular stop here in THH-land. Why? Because there is no inherent reason to cheer for one of these teams over the other. It is like the Falklands War of football rivalries. Sure, the involved parties are very invested but the rest of the world pretty much says ‘ehh’. The Bengals have tried to change that; first with Hard Knocks last year and then bringing T.O. to play alongside Ochocinco in a pathetic attempt at gaining some attention in the AFC North. Of course, they weren’t counting on having the quarterback of a rival go all Jame Gumb on the co-eds of Georgia (well played Ben). In their attempt to become the Paris Hilton of football teams (more famous for being famous than actually accomplishing something) they lost something else: their souls. The Browns may be perennial losers but at least they still know who they are. The Larry The Cable Guy of the NFL: dismissed by almost everybody but adored by a small group of blue collar supporters. Their big off-season acquisition was Peyton Hillis: a 3^rd string running back that has turned into a star both in Cleveland and Denver (his previous stop) in no small part thanks to just a whiff of the Hansbrough Effect. Their best player is an offensive lineman. Their quarterbacks include guys named Colt and Jake. This is a real ‘merican team. A team Sarah Palin could love. Well, except for that wide receiver named Mohammed. A team Vince Lombardi could love. Well, besides the whole ‘not being very good’ thing. But this week it’s a team I love.

(I don’t know if that argument even made sense, but I am hoping I at least set some sort of record for football team analogies per sentence)

Turner: gun please……. <silence>  unable to finish this post because I just cut off my fingers thinking of the pain of this game

Shadow:

TO and Ocho,

Ticking timebomb of egos,

The Dawg Pound prevails.

Chicago @ New York Giants

 SD: There might be only one person in football more arrogant and smug than Jay Cutler and that is Mike Martz. Combining their self-importance in Chicago is like crossing the streams in Ghostbusters: nothing good.  You can say many things about Eli Manning (and I have) but out-of-control ego is not one of them. Give me the humble southern boy in the big city over the Stay-Puft Ego Man any day.

Turner: Classic THH Geography Edition.  I HATE NY.  Love you Jay Cutler this week.

Shadow:

Cutler must go down,

Hors d’oeuvres for Umenyiora.

G-Men in a romp.

Wednesday night I went to see Anthony Bourdain give a speech. Getting to see one of my heroes in life in person was great as he was everything I hoped for – funny, sarcastic, bitter, eloquent and hateful toward anyone and everyone associated with the Food Network. All in all it was everything I could have hoped for, short of him asking me be his companion on his next trip. Wait that came out wrong.

Or did it?

Anyway, the more interesting part of the night was when he opened the floor to questions from the audience. What we quickly realized (meaning me and the Mrs., not me and Anthony, as far as I know) was that the people asking questions seemed to be much more interested in talking about themselves than actually asking a question. I am pretty pathetic in my hero worship of people I admire (just wait until I go to the Bill Simmons book signing tonight) but to see these people waste the time of hundreds of strangers just to take a moment to tell Bourdain about themselves was pathetic and to be honest a little depressing. Whether it was that they just came in from Napa, are off to Italy or that they have a restaurant Tony has to visit all these people felt the need to speechify as much as actually ask a real question to Tony. Do any of us really care about you? Does Tony? Tony has been in my life for about 9 years now (this isn’t getting any better is it?) and I found it humorous to see all these people try and impress them with their…credentials. If there is anyone that would be at best unimpressed or at worst disgusted by people espousing their life story to try and impress him it is Tony. Beside, whose life is so pathetic that making announcement to try and impress strangers is the highlight of their week?

Isn’t that what writing on the internet is for?

On to this week’s THH. Turner and the Shadow were unable to join this week as they too are suffering post-Vegas. Only their illness is called ‘work and family’.

Let’s hope they recover soon.

College

NC State @ Va Tech

SD: This week for the college games I decide to go with what I am calling ‘The Danny Bonaduce Bowl’. Both match-ups are of schools that seem to have lower profile than their in-state neighbors. I know in the world of football Va Tech is bigger and better than UVA but for the rest of the world and the rest of the year, VT is just the sad little brother to Thomas Jefferson’s school. NC State not only sits in the shadow of UNC but also in the shadow of those insufferable Dookies. Remember the movie Titanic and the people called ‘steerage’ – all those people in the bowels of the ship, who drowned behind locked gates at each exit? In the hierarchy of North Carolina colleges, those people are the NC State Wolfpack. That is much sadder than being the school that inflicted the Vick family crime wave on all of us. Go Pack.

Oregon State @ Washington State

SD: I guess this one is really more for the other guys. As you may remember I am a beaver legacy – which nearly as dirty as it sounds since my dad went to OSU. Last week in Vegas I realized too late that I could lay down a parlay on the alma maters of my entire immediate family (Oregon State, Missouri, Wyoming and FSU) and it would have paid. In fact I could have laid down a money line bet on all four schools and won. Instead I did stupid things like analyzing the lines of all the games and betting on the teams that I thought most likely to cover. Obviously that didn’t work out – Vegas has been doing this a little longer than I have. Just stupid. But even they can’t account for the power of the family. I won’t make that mistake two weeks in a row. OOOOO SSSSS UUUU Oregon State, fight, fight, fight.

UPDATE: Since Turner and Shadow were unable to join, let’s just assume they are rooting for the Beavers. There is low-brow beaver joke here I am choosing to ignore. I am better than that.

 NFL:

Indianapolis @ Baltimore

SD: In the NFL, this week we have two match-ups of teams that have a common foundation. The Colts started in Baltimore before sneaking away to Indianapolis in the middle of the night in 1984. Not exactly sure what the Irsay family saw in Indianapolis. Guess they are bigger fans of corn than crab. Maybe Kerouac had some good things to say about it in On The Road (full disclosure: I haven’t finished On The Road, I know, it is shameful but I did go visit Bobby’s scroll when it was on exhibit here in Denver). Anyway, I probably like the Colts team better, but you gotta root for Baltimore in this one. Only a cold, heartless jerk would root for the abandoner over the abandonee. That means there is only person rooting for the Colts: Mark Mangino.

Tennessee @ Houston

SD: As I slide ever closer to middle-age I find myself becoming one of those annoying old men that always thinks how it was is always better than how it is. You know those men as ‘sportswriters’. Anyway, I still remember the powder blue unis of the old Oilers. Warren Moon leading the run-and-shoot with those many anonymous tiny receivers (Haywood Jeffries, anyone?). Those were classic teams, even if they drove me nuts when they played my Broncos. These Texan teams? Umm, not so much. So, with a nod to Earl Campbell, Warren Moon, Lorenzo White and Drew Hill, I am going with the Titans.