I should start by stating a simple fact. I love football. Even when my teams are nearly as disappointing as Two Broke Girls. I say this so you know that this criticism comes from a place of love.

Football fans are not good with time.

Maybe it comes from enjoying a sport where 60 minutes last over 3 hours, I don’t know. Whatever the reason, the football world just doesn’t seem to understand how time works.

The century is now almost 12 years old. It is still pre-pubescent. If it were a child, it still might be listening to its parents. While many twelve-year olds feel like events that occur each weekend are THE MOST IMPORTANT THING THAT HAS EVER OCCURED, over time they will learn that little Bobby not asking them to the winter dance wasn’t the end of the world (especially when he doesn’t quite finish the 11^th grade and ends up picking up trash for the county). Most college football fans have now lived in 2 separate centuries. Heck, they have even lived in 2 separate millennia. They should understand the concepts of time. But apparently they don’t.

All of this is a long way of saying, that I am getting tired of all fo these ‘The Games of the Century’.

The media is tirelessly building up this weekend’s game between #1 LSU and #2 Alabama as the most important football contest ever played. Naturally, it has earned the moniker Game of the Century, which makes it at least the 8^th or 9^th Game of the Century, since the turn of the century.

Can we please just stop. Are you really telling me that in the next 88 years there won’t be another game of equal import? Is this game more important than the USC/Texas national championship game of 2005? The Florida/Alabama SEC title game in 2009? The 2000 FSU/Miami game? Nebraska/Oklahoma game of 2002?

No, of course isn’t, but in a world where anything that happened last week is now ancient history, the here and now is always more important.

100 years is a long time. Less than 100 years ago, the Titanic sank and Theodore Roosevelt ran as a 3^rd party candidate for President. If TV is right, 100 years from now, we will be living in pod-like sky-scrapers, robots will wear aprons and be programmed with sarcasm and our clothes will come with unattached rings around the ankles.

In 1993, #1 FSU visited #2 Notre Dame for another Game of the Century. The game ended with Notre Dame winning 31-24 with FSU’s Heisman trophy winning quarterback Charlie Ward’s pass to the end zone broken up by some anonymous Notre Dame player that later was drafted too high by the NFL, was subsequently cut and ended up helping cause the 2008 financial crisis after landing a cushy job on Wall Street (some of this is speculation).

This game was truly a game for the century. Yet, less than 20 years later, we have already have at least 10 other Games of the Century.

If we are all puttering around our flying cars in 2099 still talking about the epic 2011 LSU/Alabama game, I will gladly acknowledge how wrong I am. But until then, let’s pour some Spike 80DF on all of this Game of the Century talk and kill it before it can take root further.

Coincidentally, I think there is at least one Alabama fan that can help us with that.

Shadow: It has really been an up and down year so far with THH.  Turner has yet to make his inaugural appearance…..perhaps he is waiting for the OU-OSU matchup when we should know if OU is firmly back in the National Championship picture…or not.  I haven’t managed to turn in entries for even half the weeks.  Lucky for the two of us, SuperDave still more than ably fills up this space each week with wit, wisdom, and carefully crafted reflections on football, society, and life.  Since this is the month of Thanksgiving…I am thankful SD doesn’t kick the two of us out for lack of activity.

In honor of all of these Games of the Century, THH this week found 4 separate match-ups that at one time or other was named a Game of the Century. This weekend we will cheer on the team we cheered on in that original match-up.

College:

LSU vs Bama (2011)

SD: Let’s start with this year’s Game of the Century. Really the only college football game that matters, and, even though I have an aversion to SEC over-hype that rivals my aversion to sitcoms on CBS, I have been looking forward to this game for weeks.  On one hand I have friends who went to Bama that live and die with the Tide and my all time favorite college football book focuses on Bama. On the other hand, I have always held an affinity for LSU; it feels almost like a cousin to FSU. It is in the top two of my college football game experience bucket list (1a and 1b are attending games at LSU and Ole Miss). For me this comes down to the coaches. Like any right thinking American, I can’t get enough of the Les Miles Crazy Train. Nick Saban is a humorless, loyalty-free mercenary that happens to be a very good coach. As I am reminded every day while sitting in a conference room surrounded by ambitious, arrogant Type-A’s, I will take a sense of humor over professional success any day. Geaux Tigers!

<Postscript: I wrote the entire preceding paragraph before reading this but I am now more confident in this decision than any I have made since I advised Mike Leach that the best way to deal with the spoiled, entitled son of a TV broadcaster is to lock him in a shed.>

Shadow: In 6^th grade I read a biography of Bear Bryant.  It was the first time in school that I had to read a non-fiction book of that length, and it was the only book on the list to choose from that had anything to do with sports.  Years later (last year in fact), I read Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer.  This is the last non-fiction book I have read.  There is nothing significant in these two facts, other than the fact that they seem to be telling me I should root for Alabama.

Texas Tech vs Texas (2008)

SD: For those that live in west Texas it is easy to feel lost in the shuffle. While you spend days worried about the government coming to steal your small patch of dust and weeds, and fending off waves of illegal immigrants invading your homeland to take jobs you have no interest in doing for less money that you would be willing to accept, the rest of the world just goes on spinning. But on one day in 2008, you were the center of the universe. #1 Texas, from that fruity, weird city of Austin came to town. In the end a dropped interception, a short out-pass and a missed tackle led to the upset few expected. For one day, west Texas was more than the place where a village was missing its idiot from 2001 to 2008. Being a loather of all things Burnt Orange (including the pretentious use of the word Burnt), I cheered on the Red Raiders that day. As I will again on Saturday.

Shadow: While watching this game, I felt the same way I feel anytime I am watching a game with two teams who have the word “Texas” as part of their name…..is there some way for both these teams to lose?  In matchups where I don’t really have any vested or passing interest in, I tend to pull for the underdog, so I was most certainly rooting for Tech and watched with dismay as they kept letting Texas back into the game.  When the Texas DB had the game handed to him and he dropped the interception I swear I had an inkling that something special would happen….and that special something would be the hearts of Texas fans breaking when Tech completed their own game winning drive.  That it happened in an unnecessarily risky manner with the pass to Crabtree with time almost expiring…well, that was just icing on the cake.

NFL:

Giants vs Patriots (2008)

SD: At Super Bowl XLII, the Patriots arrived undefeated on the season, while the Giants had won one improbable game after another just to get an invite. On paper this was a mis-match greater than heart disease against the menu from KFC. America may be the greatest favorite in global history, but we still love the underdog. I, however was cheering on the Patriots that day. As I said at the time, I like seeing historical greatness. Nothing about Eli Manning’s hail mary throw pinned to David Tyree’s helmet or the subsequent pass to gun and sweatpant enthusiast Plaxio Burress makes me think of greatest team ever. However, in hindsight, if I had known that this game would give us Michael Strahan yelling ‘More Meat!’ in a Subway commercial and that Tyree would be out of the league and working at a Subway 3 years later… I would have cheered even harder for the Patriots.

Shadow: I loved the Pats when they were underdogs and beat the Greatest Show on Turf (aided by the fact that I boldly predicted the win at a Super Bowl party where literally everyone else said there was no way the Rams lose).  I loved them being the first team in my memory to shun the ego-driven stylized individual introductions and asked to be announced as a team that day.  And then….as their success bred more success…and the head Hood Rat made his fashion statements….and they found a diamond in the rough QB late in the draft while the Broncos continued to fumble trying to find the heir to Elway….I began to hate them.  Really hate them.  And then came the perfect season.  And all through the season I hated them.  And in the playoffs I hated them.  And, truth be known, outwardly during the Super Bowl, I still pretended to hate them…..but secretly, and this is something I have never admitted until now, I was rooting for the perfect season.  Don’t know if it was because I was tired of seeing the ’72 Dolphins popping champagne every year….don’t know if it was because this could be something I would probably never see again in my lifetime….I can’t explain it.  But for that Sunday, I wanted Tom and Randy and Bill to finish the quest.

Denver at Oakland (1977)

SD: An AFC championship game may not be the Game of the Century for everybody but when a football-crazy town enjoys its first real success and plays its arch-enemy for a championship at the same time, it quickly becomes all consuming. Now, I was 2 years old at the time, living outside Kansas City, so I was most likely much more interested in finding out why Oscar was such a Grouch than this game. But I am confident that if presented carefully reasoned arguments for each team I would have been an early convert to Broncos country. I mean, their defense was named after a soda. What 2 year old doesn’t like the sugar rush of a soda?

Shadow: SD- you suck.  I didn’t think you could top the fact that you just made me admit to rooting for the Patriots….now you have uncovered my darkest NFL secret.  When this game was played, I had just turned 6, and I was still 18 months away from moving to Colorado from Iowa.  My mom was dating someone new (who would become husband #3 for her, and the person I still consider “Dad” for me).  I remember nothing from the game….I really only have spotty memories of much of the NFL prior to about 1981-82.  But here is what I do know.  When we moved to Colorado, my dad, and me by extension, were Houston Oiler fans..and this was due to the original “Snake”.  He was a big Stabler fan.  I could call my Dad for confirmation, but I have a feeling we were rooting for Stabler and the Raiders in this tilt with the Broncos.  There.  Are you happy?  I may have rooted for the Raiders against the Broncos. 

This morning, news broke that the Raiders are about to trade for Carson Palmer, sacrificing their 2012 first round draft pick, and depending on Carson’s performance another 1^st rounder in 2013.

Thankfully for the Raiders, Carson was washed up 4 years ago, so any performance based incentive is likely to be not applicable.

The signing comes on the heels of Jason Campbell breaking his collar bone on Sunday. Facing a future with Kyle Boller under center, the Raiders were desperate to make a change, as is standard reaction whenever Kyle Boller is involved in anything.  

With the ‘Beached Steamer’ Carson Palmer joining the men in black (because he is rusty and washed up – do I really need to explain all of these to you?), playoff hopes are fading faster than Jordan Palmer’s career as the Billy Ripken of football.

But the real culprit at the heart of the Raiders’ problems is the former #1 overall draft pick, future of the franchise, quarterback Jamarcus Russell.

If Russell hadn’t become the bustiest California transplant sine Pamela Anderson, the Raiders might still be in the playoff hunt, Palmer would still be boycotting the game of football and the Bengals would have one or two less draft picks to screw up.

But Jamarcus didn’t just change the fortunes of the Raiders and Bengals. His inability to play well, and unusual interest in purple drank, has had ripple effects across the entire league. He single-handedly made two NFC teams contenders, helped kill another’s playoff hopes and indirectly helped lay the foundations that became ‘The Dream Team’.

The two most obvious beneficiaries of the Jamarcus fiasco are the Lions and Falcons. The Lions were able to select freak Calvin Johnson immediately after Russell. Where Russell is now a punchline, Johnson has become the most dominant athlete in football. However, Johnson is only as effective as the quarterback throwing to him and Russell also indirectly led to the Lions getting that man.

Daunte Culpepper had started for the Raiders prior to Russell being drafted. After Russell came aboard, he ended up in Detroit where his ineptitude led the Lions to a record-setting 0-16 season, the #1 overall draft pick and Matthew Stafford.

Without Johnson and Stafford, the Lions losing this past Sunday to the Forty-Niners would have been a non-event which would have deprived us all of the completely over-analyzed yet sort of awesome coach brawl between Jim Schwartz and Jim Harbaugh.

In this way, we were all winners of the Jamarcus error…I mean era.

The Falcons also ended up with their franchise quarterback thanks to Russell. Had the Raiders not drafted Russell in 2007, and remained as epically bad as they had been for one more year (see: Culpepper, Daunte; career stats of), they would have been in position to draft Matt Ryan in 2008. However, the Falcons were able to grab Ryan immediately in front of the Raiders.

Ryan has now led the Falcons to 2 playoff appearances and is well on his way to becoming the Philip Rivers of the NFC: solid stats, good regular season record, no post-season success.

Outside of the East Bay, the team that was damaged the most by Russell was the Redskins. When Mike Shanahan took over the Redskins, he was unsatisfied with the quarterbacks and immediately traded for Donovan McNabb who knew the Eagles were ready to start Kevin Kolb and wanted out of Philadelphia.

With McNabb now in Washington, the Redskins looked to trade starter Jason Campbell. Since Jamarcus had officially passed Ryan Leaf as the worst draft pick in history, the Raiders leapt at picking up Campbell, which they did for a 4^th round pick in the 2012 draft.

McNabb became such an epic failure in Washington that Rex Grossman was an appealing alternative. Now the Redskins look like a playoff contender at every position except quarterback where Rex Grossman battles John Beck to see who can break Jay Cutler’s single-game interception record.

If it weren’t for Jamarcus, the Redskins may not have found any takers for Campbell, he would have been back starting for the Skins by the middle of last season and the Redskins would be the favorites in the mediocre NFC East today.

In picking up McNabb, the Redskins sent 3 picks to the Eagles – resulting in current starters, safety Nate Allen, linebacker Casey Matthews and a 4^th round pick in this coming draft. Filling holes in the defense through the draft then enabled the Eagles to go out and spend their free agent money on the players that would become The Bad Dream Team.

With a 2-4 start and after watching Vince Young throw the worst pass of the season this past week, it is hard to say whether the Eagles were winners or losers of the Russell era.

Russell has left destruction in his wake everywhere he has gone. But if it weren’t for his embarrassing failure, the NFL would be very different from the one we know today.

And we haven’t even talked about what Lane Kiffin did to college football after he was forced out of Oakland, in part over his disagreement with Al Davis to play Russell.

Al Davis was famously eulogized over the last week regarding his immense impact on the sport of football.

But maybe, in drafting Jamarcus Russell, his last great impact hasn’t received enough attention.

The Raiders are apparently chasing after Jamarcus Russell for him to return a portion of the salary paid to him over his less-than-stellar stay in the Bay Area. The Raiders want Russell to pay back the upfront guaranteed money he was paid for playing seasons 2010-2012 of his contract. You know the seasons he won’t play, now that the Raiders cut him.

It isn’t my place to question one of the country’s model sports organizations (it is still 1985 right?), but do the Raiders really think that Russell should pay them back because the Raiders agreed to pay him too much money and he turned out to not be very good at football?

Do I get to ask for some of money back when a restaurant billing itself as having the World’s Best Coffee serves me undrinkable sludge?

Do I get a portion of my money back from a restaurant when I am too full to eat all of the dessert I ordered?

For the record, Jamarcus doesn’t understand the last analogy as he has never not finished dessert. Which in hindsight might have been part of his problem.

Do I get my money back when the new golf clubs I spent top dollar on, don’t improve my golf game, instead sending every ball exactly where I don’t want it to go?

No, of course not. In the real world, there is a phrase that says ‘buyer beware’ and ‘you break it, you bought it’. In other words, if you make a mistake in acquiring something that turns out to not be what you wanted. Too bad, sucker.

The Raiders apparently don’t see it this way. In their view, a horribly run organization spending entirely too much money on a quarterback who turns out to not be very good, is 100% the quarterback’s fault.

NOTE: All of this assumes Jamarcus didn’t breach a specific term in his contract, like taking drugs, committing a felony or eating entire gallons of ice cream at each water break in practice. If he did actually breach his contract, than I apologize to the Crypt Keeper and you can stop reading.

The Raiders are, in essence, blaming Jamarcus for their own ignorance. They probably agree with FIFA when it debated punishing Thierry Henry for scoring the winning goal against Ireland after a hands penalty was never called. Yes, FIFA, it is Henry’s fault your refs were so bad that game that even NBA refs looked at them and said “wow, how did he miss that?”

What’s next Raiders? Are you going to sue Darius Heyward-Bey for not being able to catch?

For the first time since he played Notre Dame in the Sugar Bowl, I am on Jamarcus’ side in this one. Though you probably can’t see me behind his gut.

Sports teams can not be allowed to sue their way out of stupid decisions. That is a bad precedent to set. If an organization is run by a guy that can’t tell whether his lunch is vanilla or chocolate pudding and therefore manages a sports team worse than anyone not named Isaiah Thomas, the beneficiaries of his idiocy shouldn’t be held responsible. The Raiders have scouts and a (figurehead) GM. It isn’t Russell’s fault that all of these people thought he was good, and deserved a huge contract.

If teams were allowed a Get Out of Jail Free Card for every contract given to a player that didn’t live up to their salary, half of the teams in the NBA and Major League Baseball wouldn’t be able to field a team.

For once teams need to think of their fans. If they can’t field a decent team then the least they can do is give us busts and their awful contracts laugh at.

After months of pretending to get our NFL fix by following the human equivalent of the Westminster Dog Show known as the NFL Combine and the movements of free agents deemed too old, too crazy or too expensive by their previous employers we have finally reached the crown jewel of the NFL offseason: the NFL Draft. Out with the past, and in with the future. There are endless educated guesses out there on who each team will draft but who should all these teams draft? Thankfully, your dutiful analyst here at PFB has scoured the scouting services and waded through Mel Kiper’s hairline to determine who each team should target, if for no other reason than our entertainment.

AFC East

New England Patriots – With the loss of Ben Watson to Cleveland the Patriots have a need at tight end (I know, I can’t believe losing Ben Watson would cause anything but joy in Foxbrough but it is what it is). In steps Ron Gronkowski out of Arizona. Whether he succeeds on the field or not, he can at least act as a guardian to long-lost cousin kicker Stephen Gostkowski, reducing the number of wedgies and swirlies inflicted this year by that bully Tom Brady.

New York Jets – The Jets need to find some offensive help for their second year quarterback and overpowering defense. They have gone out on the free agent market and gotten wide receivers and running backs, so they should use the draft to go get a tight end. How about Dennis Pitta out of BYU? Last year, the Jets made the millions of latino fans in New York happy with the drafting of Mark Sanchez. This year they can make millions of Greek and middle eastern fans happy by loading up on Pitta. 

Miami Dolphins – This offseason, the Dolphins lost linebacker, non-stop talker, cheap-shot artist and drunk driver Joey Porter to the Arizona Cardinals. Drafting Brandon Spikes, he of the linebacker playing, eye-gouging, teammate deifying career at Florida will help address the loss of many of Porter’s doucheiest qualities.

Buffalo Bills – Last year, the Bills played a home game in Toronto to expand their fan base beyond western New York and into Canada. If they can’t put a competitive team on the field, this is their best chance at remaining relevant. Drafting Dan LeFevour, a quarterback out of Central Michigan not only addresses one of their biggest needs but may also bring millions of new Canadian fans to the Bills bandwagon when they get confused and assume he is on loan from playing winger for the Maple Leafs.

AFC North

Pittsburgh Steelers – Last year after Troy Polamalu was lost to injury, the Steelers showed a great weakness in the secondary. Drafting Joe Haden, the cornerback out of Florida will help reduce the dependence on Troy’s hair. Plus after years in Gainesville, Haden knows quite well how to deal with a quarterback with a god complex.

Cleveland Browns – Three years ago, the Browns drafted golden boy Brady Quinn out of Notre Dame to address their quarterback needs. This year they can draft Golden Tate out of Notre Dame to address their wide receiver needs. I mean it can’t work out any worse than last time right?

Cincinnati Bengals – Needing another weapon for Carson Palmer, the Bengals should take Jermaine Gresham, who provides the added bonus of sounding like the best-selling legal novel author around. If the Bengals can’t get players that actually understand the law they can at least get players that sound like they do.

Baltimore Ravens – Still looking for players to help out Joe Flacco, the Ravens should roll the dice on Dez Bryant. Sure, there are some questions marks around Dez – especially about his lying to the NCAA and questionable work ethic but if there is anyone that will take a stab at motivating a young player it is Ray Lewis.

AFC South

Indianapolis Colts – Coming off a Super Bowl in which they were torched by Drew Brees, the Colts need to address their inability to put pressure on the quarterback. Jason Pierre Paul out of South Florida can help that need as well as taking the pressure off Pierre Garcon of being the only Pierre on the roster.

Tennessee Titans – With Lendale White becoming ineffective without tequila in his blood it is time to look for a new complement to take some of the load off of Chris Johnson. Not only does Toby Gerhart provide the short yardage power, and leading blocking ability, but can you imagine the nicknames that could be formed for a small black running back and large white running back tandem? Chocolate Lightning and White Thunder? Ebony and Ivory? The I-Spy Backfield? Tennessee Vice? I could do this all day.

Jacksonville Jaguars – Much has been made this offseason of the Jaguars drafting the best player out of nearby University of Florida to help drive interest in the team and improve their anemic offense. I fully endorse this approach and expect Maurkice Pouncey to make the short trip up from Gainesville to Jacksonville.

Houston Texans – The Texans are the ‘Almost’ team. Every year they almost make the playoffs. Matt Schaub has stats almost as good as the best in the league and he almost makes it through the season uninjured. Steven Slaton can make it almost all the way through the game without fumbling. Andre Johnson almost gets the credit he deserves for being the best wide receiver in the game. Thus the Texans should draft Joe McKnight – the USC running back almost as good as his predecessor Reggie Bush who the Texans almost drafted 4 years ago.

AFC West

San Diego Chargers – In a tough offseason for the Bolts, they lost their top running back in LaDainian Tomlinson, a back-up quarterback in Charlie Whitehurst, outrageous child production in Antonio Cromartie and a player known to disappear in big games (Tomlinson again). Clearly they need to sign Travis Henry to address the running and child production needs while drafting Colt McCoy for the back-up quarterback and ‘disappearing in big game’ gaps.

Oakland Raiders – There is little doubt the Raiders will draft Bruce Campbell, the Maryland offensive lineman who is a physical specimen that impressed at the NFL Combine with incredible speed and strength after a completely mundane college career. Really his only chance of success in the NFL is if his hand is still possessed like it was back in Evil Dead 2.

Denver Broncos – The Broncos have a lot of needs. They are looking for linebackers, offensive linemen, receivers and (possibly) a long term solution at quarterback. But there is another position that has been vacated with the trades of Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall over the last two offseasons: unhappy whiner who quits on his team. The Broncos can’t go into the season without at least one on their roster so don’t be surprised to hear the name “Mike Williams” announced at some point with the Broncos on the clock.

Kansas City Chiefs – The Chiefs are still trying to improve their offense but while the acquisition of Thomas Jones to split carries with Jamal Charles should help, their defense still has holes. Targeting Sean Weatherspoon, the linebacker out of Missouri helps out a defense ranked 31^st against the run last year. Plus he is one of the few players in the draft that would know Kansas City is actually located in Missouri not Kansas. That could be huge when trying to find the stadium for that first game.

For this week’s THH, with only NFL games to pick from (I refuse to acknowledge the New Mexico Bowl or St. Petersburg Bowl) I resurrected the theme approach – adding a level of complexity to our usual free-for-all picking approach.

Our three games this week are rematches of games played years ago and the rules are that we cheer for the team we would have cheered for back then. I didn’t tell Turner or Shadow what the common thread was between these games but instead used hints that the games played before had been ‘historically important’.

This choice of words set off a firestorm of email traffic as it quickly became apparent that based on the phrase ‘historically important’, the two of them had spent hours trying to determine what the common theme could be. Of course, they were in Jacksonville at the time, so it isn’t like they had anything better to do.

Needless to say they greatly overthought what could have been historically important about these three games. They actually arrived at the correct answer very quickly but moved right past and kept looking. Sort of like when my friend Greg and I were driving to Key West for the first time and we were excited to see the Seven-Mile Bridge but didn’t think we would ever get there because the bridge we were driving across just seemed to go on forever.

Anyway, this started a great debate on what constitutes ‘historically important’ which is probably 14 times more interesting than the resulting THH picks.

If a game is important at the time it is played (hypothetical example that might have something to do with today’s THH: AFC and NFC Championship games) but nothing about it stands up to time (compare: Dwight Clark’s ‘Catch’ in 1981 versus the following year’s Redskins vs. Cowboys game – and yes, I had to look up who the Redskins played) – is it historically important?

Games are certainly important to those that have a personal connection to the game – if your favorite team was the Redskins in the early 80’s, that 1982 game might be one of your greatest memories. But what about the rest of us? If the Cowboys had beaten the Redskins, would my life be different in any way, other than dealing with the ridiculous Cowboys bandwagon being rejuvenated a decade early? If I have no distinct memories of a game I most likely watched – does that mean it was unimportant?

If an important game was played yet nothing memorable happened – if the context of the game were taken out of consideration and the game played was no more remarkable than any of the 448 regular season NFL games that season – would the game be considered historic in hindsight?

Maybe I am in the minority, but I say yes. Ok, I know I am in the minority (at least among THHers). It doesn’t matter to me what happened on the field as much as the context of the game. Of the 43 Super Bowls played – how many individual plays can you remember today? Even the biggest NFL fan would only remember 3-4 plays per game. Hell, half of the Super Bowls were so boring or unwatchable that their only redeeming qualities were the commercials. For anyone that wasn’t there, the only reason most of us remember any plays at all are NFL Films. For any games before 1990 how many plays do any of us remember watching live?

Super Bowl XX in 1985 featured one of the greatest teams (the ‘85 Bears), greatest players (Walter Payton) and longest necks (Steve Grogan – #2 all-time behind Merton Hanks) in NFL history yet I literally remember nothing (that was the year they experimented with 60-second blank screen, overloading sewers nationwide) as much or more than I remember any particular play.

I don’t think Turner is even stubborn enough to argue that a Super Bowl is not historic, yet his feeling was that none of the games I picked this week were historic despite their determining one of the participants of that season’s Super Bowl. Last time I checked ‘memorable’ and ‘unforgettable’ are not synonyms for historically important.

Turner and Shadow were so disgusted by my labeling of these games as historically important they have decided to boycott this week. In fact, I think I hear them outside picketing right now.

This is yet another reason I wish I was friends with Chuck Klosterman so he could definitively resolve when a game is historically important.

NFL:

(Actual phrasing of email that started it all: The following 3 match-ups pair teams that met in important games that have something in common. Your job is to pick the game based on who you would have cheered for in that historically important game.)

Cincinnati @ San Diego (1981 AFC championship Game)

SD: Sure, you could argue that if I say I would have cheered for the Bengals, it is revisionist history based on my current hating of the Bolts but that isn’t strictly true. One of my best friends in 1983 was a huge Chargers fan. Like many childhood friends, in hindsight I didn’t really like him. You could say he was my frienemy or (to borrow from Chuck Klosterman again) my nemesis. Just to agitate Joel I would have been cheering against the Chargers in this game. Looking backward and using Dan Fouts’ subsequent announcing career and Ken Anderson’s rocking porn-stache as deciding factors only re-enforces my instincts at the time.

Oakland @ Denver (1977 AFC Championship Game)

SD: When this game was played I was still counting my age in months and pooping in my pants. Which may help explain why I would have cheered for the Raiders in this game – since I assume all Raiders fans still poop in their pants. At the time I was living in Kansas and to be honest had never even heard of the state of Colorado before my parents told me we were moving there a few years later. So as much as I want to write this as a tribute to the Barrel Man (who actually started in an Orange Crush can in honor of the Broncos defense), I can’t. I would have cheered for the Raiders in this one. And then I would have crapped my pants – even my bowels knew it was wrong to cheer for the Raiders.

NY Giants @ Washington (1986 NFC Championship Game)

SD: Today, this Giants team is glorified by the east coast biased media, as an all-time great. Yes, they had a great defense – especially for a bunch of guys drowning in piles of coke and whores but can we really forget that this offense relied on players like Mark Bavarro and Phil McConkey to catch passes from Phil Simms’ feathered hairdo? That is an all-time great team? The Redskins on the other hand had the Hogs and the Smurfs and Dexter Manley (to appeal to the coke and whores crowd) – how could you cheer against them? Even if their quarterback was Jay Shroeder. I loved the Smurfs.

We are back early with THH this week, due to the short holiday week. As we look at the 3-day feast of football and food, I am stuck thinking about a different uniquely American tradition – the gunslinger. Not a Billy-the-kid, shoot-out at the O-K Corral kind of gunslinger, I mean the quarterback gunslinger. The strong-armed quarterback who can (or tries to) throw the ball into any space, no matter how small. Sure, he makes mistakes but in the end his exciting plays outweigh them and Americans love our heroes flawed.

The modern day father of the gunslinger movement is Brett Favre, so as he continues his remarkable success in the Land of 10,000 Lakes we will continue to hear more and more about his gunslinging ways. But is that really true? Is Favre’s traditional high risk/high reward style of quarterbacking what has brought the Vikings to a 10-1 record? Or is it more likely, much like John Elway in his later years, Favre is only seeing success thanks to a strong defense, a great running back and talented wide receivers? I have been saying it since he before he was drafted, A.P. is the second-coming of Terrell Davis, right down to the initial-based nickname and high probability of having his career cut short by injury. Could he also be replicating TD by carrying a past-his-prime legendary quarterback to an improbable Super Bowl? We will just have to wait and see.

If the Vikings are the Christina Aguillera of the gunslinger argument (surprisingly well-adjusted after a rocky start), then the Bears are the Britney Spears (just a train wreck).  Everything that Favre has inside him and around him to reign in and take advantage of his skills, Jay Cutler lacks. Cutler has no receivers, a porous defense and a mediocre running game that was abandoned the day Whiny Jay showed up in town. Worse, Cutler lacks the charisma and enthusiasm that defines Favre’s career.

I have a buddy that lives in Chicago and the moment the Cutler/Orton trade was finalized we started trading emails – he boasting about how bad Orton was, me trying to temper any excitement for the turn over machine that is Cutler. As the season has progressed and Cutler continuously imploded in high profile games, I have sent mocking emails to him reminding him that I had warned him long ago to expect lots of red zone mistakes.

This past weekend after yet another interception clinched a Bears loss, I sent an email with the subject line ‘I am out of jokes’. Which I am. Even I, rabid Cutler hater, could never have foreseen the utter implosion that Jay has been in Chicago. Sure, he is missing the talented receivers he had here in Denver but that isn’t why they are losing. Here is what I said in the email:

“You know when I knew the Bears were cooked? When after the punt they showed Cutler walk on to the field with his head down, all by himself 15 yards from his nearest teammate. Has any quarterback inspired less confidence in a two minute drill?”

And it’s true. You can say what you want about Favre’s hail mary passing game, and prima donna ways but when it comes to playing the game – it is clear he still loves it and relishes the time spent with his teammates playing. Can you say that about Jay? He looks unhappy and alone all the time. That is what you want in a leader?

Of course, Cutler never led to Iraqi detainees mocking American soldiers, so he does have that going for him. Which is nice.

Turner: I’m sorry readers, I have to be short and sweet this week as Super Dave gave us unreasonable timelines to respond and I didn’t want to disappear 2 weeks in a row.  Disturbing fact of the week:  in 2 short weeks, the Shadow heads on a cruise with Mrs. Shadow.  While I’m excited for him to have a week off, I discovered today he has pre-paid and is planning a ‘couples’ massage.  This is disturbing on a number of fronts (most notably the price tag)… that money could be used to invest at the poker and blackjack table but instead he succumbed to his marital demands and will be lying face down on a table either getting a rub down from “Hans” (my personal preference to see how he handles that scenario) or some lady of Asian descent that had just spend the last 4 hours taking every single one of his dollars at blackjack.  God Speed Shadow.

Oh – and please, watch the Cancun Classic (Kentucky playing). They are playing inside a ballroom with chandeliers on the ceiling, are we this desperate?

Shadow: I am not quite sure where last week went.  I could blame it on the Vegas Flu, yet I managed to make it to work and be a semi-functional father.  I think part of my Hateless week had to do with the bad taste still in my mouth from Sin City…and I am not referencing our misguided decision to each down a whole medium Little Caesar’s pizza during the afternoon college football games in the Mandalay Bay sports book.  No, this particular bad taste was the $40 I lost betting on the Pats to cover 3.5 points, which should have been turned into $120.  Super Dave already covered that little fiasco, so I won’t detail it any more here…..and I have already created a new motto for Vegas 2010:  No Parlays, No Pats, More F’ing Purple. 

 So, call this week the Ripped-Up Sports book Ticket THH:

College (Snow Bird Edition):

It has been a little cold here in Denver over the last couple of weeks. A snowstorm passed through a while we were on our Vegas vacation and it has been cold enough that there are still some pockets of snow in my backyard – which is pretty strange for Colorado. Anyway, all this cold weather reminded me of what Jimmy said ‘I gotta go where it’s warm’. Since I am not going where it’s warm, I can at least day dream in THH.

Arizona @ Arizona State

SD: It is a well-known secret in the state of Florida that the co-eds at FSU put the co-eds at UF to shame in every way. Is this true in Arizona as well? Does ASU attract the better looking women than UofA or is there equally beautiful women at each? I frankly don’t know, but I am truly interested and open to persuasion from either party. And you know what I mean by persuasion, ladies. I was in Phoenix about a month ago for a meeting and we hit the town a couple nights (yes, a bunch of old men out at the college bars, the women loved us). I will just say that U of A has some work to do. So, just in case U of A can’t compete I will cheer on the Sun Devils.

Turner: This is the battle of nerdy guys who you know got lots of action… Luke Walton vs. Jake Plummer.  Both had probably lots of options and I’m sure their parents provided lots of additional non-prescription (i.e. pot) drugs to make the scene even better.  It sure must have been hard to pick from all those dark tanned, blonde females on campus…… sorry, had to have a moment…….  I have to go with Plummer on this one, many reasons, most notably of which Luke Walton sucks.  He has no skills, was part of team that beat the Nuggies (and I HATE the Lakers) and scored more on campus then he ever will in the NBA.

Shadow: I didn’t manage to bet on either of these teams in Vegas, so I will revert to a more traditional rationale.  The “Territorial Cup”?  Lame.  One school is coached by “Stoops the Lesser”, the other by a coach who can’t decide where he would rather underachieve more…in the pros or in the Pac-10.  Hmmm, that isn’t truly fair, as Dennis Erickson has enjoyed success in several of his coaching stops.  Seriously, though, are there any serious students at ASU?  I am pretty sure the majority of the 69,000+  (he said 69!) are there for one thing, and one thing only….the parties.  How can you hate that?  Go Devils!

Miami @ South Florida

SD: The University of South Florida is in Tampa. Look at a map, there is a lot of Florida south of the campus of South Florida. Couldn’t they have come up with a better name? I know there is already a West Florida (in Pensacola), Central Florida (Orlando), and North Florida (Jacksonville) so South Florida is the logical final school name, but shouldn’t they have located it somewhere a little more…umm, what’s the word…south? That is enough to make me cheer for Miami here. Of course, the University of Miami is actually located in Coral Gables and they play their games in Fort Lauderdale. That whole state is screwed up. No wonder Carl Hiassen finds so much to write about. I will cheer for the Canes, just because I like how they adopted actual hurricane warning flags as one of their symbols. Whatever.

Turner: The battle of a school who came up with “The U” vs. a team that is geographically confused.  Miami doesn’t deserve to be “the U”, that should go to Utah which could be “the U of U”.  Nothing better that getting “Double U’d” (oh – is that then Washington?  -2 fantasy points for a bad joke).  Plus I love the South Florida story, coming from nowhere and is the 2^nd best team in the state almost (sorry SD)….  Go Bulls, your only problem is you need your own stadium, oh – the U doesn’t even have one of those either….  Both teams should lose then.

Shadow: Too easy.  One of these teams cost me no money in Las Vegas.  One of them pissed me off and personally eliminated 3 different parlays.  I am looking at you Hurricanes.  I see last weekend you had no trouble handling Duke.  I hate you. 

NFL:

Much like a bride, this week we are going with a new/old theme for the NFL picks. I guess next week we should go with something borrowed and something blue.

New England @ New Orleans (The New Bowl)

SD: This is the New Bowl for 2 reasons. First because both teams have the word New in their name (duh) but more importantly after years of being jokes they are now 2 of the 3 best teams in the league. Of course, New Orleans is a lot newer to the elite team status than New England. New Orleans is also still in the process of re-newing itself as it crawls out of the bomb crater that was Katrina. Just for that you knew I would be cheering on New Orleans. Get it? Knew? Man, that is good stuff. Sometimes you can’t stop me you can only hope to contain me.

Turner: Please refer to Super Dave’s recap of the 4^th and 2 discussion from last week.  SCREW the Patriots (now and FOREVER) and the combined $200 they owe us.  I hope they lose every game until they send me a check.

Shadow: F*ing Bellicheat.  He owes me $120.

Oakland @ Dallas (The Old Bowl)

SD: The Old Bowl – not only because Al Davis and Jerry Jones are a combined 476 years old (approximate) but because about 30 years ago, this would have been a Super Bowl preview. Today, it matches a team that forgets how to play as soon as the holidays hit versus a team that never even learned how to play. This might be the ugliest game ever played on Thanksgiving if it weren’t for the Lions annual embarrassment. But maybe it is fitting that on a day of traditions, family and nostalgia we get a game pitting two traditionally important teams run by families, nostalgic for better days. It is also fitting because Thanksgivings are almost universally better in theory than practice, just like this game. Give me the Boys here. Remember I am Bronco fan. Just because the Raiders stink, doesn’t mean I am ever going to cheer for them.

Turner: Hard choice here for 2 organizations I have no respect for.  In this case I’m simply going on uniforms.  I’m a fan of the Silver and Black.  One of my favorite childhood memories was watching the Cowboys being forced to wear the unlucky Blue uniforms.  It was great how it was the discussion of every game growing up and listening to all those whiners.  It seems some things never change and that whining is still prevalent within that Organization.  Plus, the label of “America’s team” is about as ridiculous as “the U”.

Shadow: Why was a betting an “over” in a game where one team was QB’d by Jamarcus Russell?  Because I am stupid.  Still….the Raiders/Chiefs were on track after the first half in Vegas to covering the over.  Then both offenses stunk up the second half.  Dallas, on the other hand, were a key factor in my one winning NFL parlay as they predictably came up short in Lambeau.  There were definitely more Cowboy fans in Mandalay Bay than any other team (isn’t this always they way it is?….their bandwagon is only slightly smaller than the new cruise ship debuting this week….and it was fun hearing them cringe every time Tony Romo would throw to Roy “Stone Hands” Williams as the ball would inevitably NOT be caught.  Dallas made me money, so they shall not be hated this week.  Plus, any new reason to hate the Raiders is a good thing.