It is natural to spend the morning after the Super Bowl heaping praise and scorn on the players from the night before. Whether it is Mario Manningham’s twisting, falling sideline reception of a perfect Eli Manning pass late in the game, or the missed block that led to a safety and the YES bet covering on the ‘Will there be a score in the first 6:30’ in the first quarter (Ummm, not that I was so un-invested in this game I cared more about wagers than I did about the outcome), the plays that defined the Super Bowl will be nearly as omnipresent today as MIA’s middle finger.

But in reality this game was not won on the field. It was won in drab gray offices at each team’s headquarters.

Eli Manning won the least deserving MVP award since…well, the last time he won (you shouldn’t win an award for 1 single pass, yet Eli has now done it twice). The true MVPs of this game weren’t wearing should pads.

GM Jerry Reese, the man who drafted and signed the players for the Giants is the MVP.

The 2011 NFL season should go down in history, not for the play of great players, but for the work of great GMs and personnel men.

The Colts lost a single player and won 8 fewer games. That is not a freak injury, that is a systemic failure – a front office that has so failed at their jobs repeatedly that there is no talent beyond the player under center.  

The Packers turned in an all-time great regular season built on a foundation of players that weren’t even members of the team that lost the 2007 NFC Championship game.

And last night the Patriots demonstrated what years of missing on impact skill players can do. After Randy Moss left last season, the talent at wide receiver has become so thin that the Patriots had 2 tight ends and an undrafted 5’6” running back on the field for the final hail mary. Yes, they are 2 good, freakishly talented tight ends but they aren’t going to out-run and out-leap faster, nimbler defensive backs.

The Patriots run game was non-existent as usual. Danny Woodhead may be scrappy with a slightly obvious reason for being popular with Patriots fans (Tyler Hansbrough effect) but he isn’t talented enough to be on the field for a final drive at the end of the Super Bowl. He just isn’t.

His presence isn’t an ode to Bill Belichick’s genius at finding talent. It is the bright, shining CITGO sign of the Patriots failure to find skilled players.

The Giants, on the other hand, have General Manager Jerry Reese consistently finding talent as players move on in what is now a transitory league.

Plaxico Burress goes to jail and Amani Toomer leaves? In steps Hakeem Nicks and Mario Manningham. Nicks gets hurt? Welcome Victor Cruz.

Michael Strahan retires and Osi Umenyiora loses effectiveness? Step up Justin Tuck and Jason Pierre Paul.

Antonio Pierce retires? Welcome Chase Blackburn.

Credit is due Belichick, the coach, for augmenting his offensive system to work with the skill on hand. Evolving from a Welker-Moss centric downfield-underneath offensive system to 2 tight end sets and making another Super Bowl appearance is an astounding job of coaching. Flexibility and adaptability are probably the 2 least appreciated values in the NFL.

But that adaptability was born of necessity due to the failures of Belichick the GM.

Where the Giants won because a new generation stepped up when needed, the Patriots lost because the players that won those Super Bowls – Teddy Bruschi, Rodney Harrison, Richard Seymour, Troy Brown, Corey Dillon – are gone and Belichick’s penchant for hoarding draft picks has left the team bereft of talent outside of the tight end position.

And the next team that wins a Super Bowl with their best talent at tight end will be the first.

This is the end. My only friend, the end

-The Doors

And so another season of football comes to an end. And with it another season of The Hierarchy of Hate.

At least until Euro 2012 when we get a chance to spend two weeks mocking Poland (FINALLY).

It has truly been an uninspiring season for THH. Missing weeks. Missing participants (I’m pretty sure Turner spent the NFL season on the island from Lost as he just showed up at my door with a straggly beard muttering ‘we have to go back’ over and over). I blame myself as much as anyone as I have slacked and been distracted and struggled to muster the energy to focus on THH at times

 But today that all ends. Today, we redeem. Not for just ourselves. But for our children; and our children’s children; and for America itself.

 America is the greatest country on Earth because we are free to declare who we hate and who we hate just slightly less at the top of our lungs anywhere at any time. Because we come together to celebrate a 4-hour game whose most inspired moments will be bought and paid for by the world’s largest corporations, willing to waste $3million to tell us what we should waste our money on, so that we can fall further in debt and China can claim a larger portion of our souls.

But today we tell the Chinese that we are still here. They don’t own us yet.

 Today we fight! Today we band together, smear paint on our faces, let out a primal scream and go running down that hill with make-shift swords and trash-can shields waving above our heads into the teeth of the invading Chinese army!

WHO IS WITH ME!!!!

On to an annual rite of passage more meaningful and entertaining than either the Pro Bowl or National Signing Day – the THH Super Bowl Extravaganza.

For anyone living south of the New Jersey state line, you most likely cheer for neither of these teams. So, who to sort-of, kind-of cheer in between bites of dip and sips of beer? That is why we are here.

Just take our simple quiz, tally the points and you will know which side you are on.

Shadow: I turned 40 last month.  I will completely blame my lack of THH performance on a mid-life crisis.  While I appreciate Dave’s “homemade” Braveheart charge against the Chinese, I will choose to characterize my stand as a rag-tag band of teenagers launching sneak attacks against the Chinese from the mountain passes of Colorado, all the while yelling (and/or spray painting) “Wolverines!”….which might appear to seem like I will be on the side of ex-Wolverine Tommy Brady….but let’s just wait and see what the Hierarchy of Hate says….after all, that is what it was invented for.  And dammit….now that I read farther into the categories, I see my homage to Red Dawn has already been nicked by SuperDave right down to the use of the adjective ‘rag-tag’.  Screw it…I am too lazy to re-write this.

Turner: I just can’t wait for Sunday, everything other than the football game will make for a fantastic afternoon.  Queso, hotdogs, beer, gambling and a bottle of gas-x and all will be right before I settle in at 4:30 MT to take a nap.  That is what I’m looking forward to on Sunday as my worst THH nightmare arose.  Two Northeast teams, both very hated, obnoxious fan bases, all this hype of the rematch, Brady getting to as many Superbowl as John “Tebow” Elway.  It is going to be a very long pre-game, the only hope is that the smells coming from various partners of mine will be there will be enough to knock me out before the 45^th replay of David Tyree’s catch.  The only other good thing is SuperDave gave us categories by which to judge this game, without those, I’d just be putting two chopstix in my eyes to avoid the pain of subjecting myself to the “G-Men” and watching the Brady hair flow….

Super Bowl: Patriots vs. Giants 

(All picks are Patriots first, Giants second – point for whichever answer you choose)

#1 – Better original location to steal name from: England vs York

SD: It is so typical of New England fans. A single state or city isn’t enough to claim, rather they need an entire region named after an entire nation. So desperate are they to represent a large chunk of land you can’t help but wonder if they are compensating for something else that is particularly small. New Yorkers, never known to be shy and humble, took the name of a village of 202,400. I can appreciate that much more than a bunch of micro-phallused Bostonians any day.

Patriots 0, Giants 1

Shadow: They say that imitation is the highest form of flattery, or flatulence, I forget.  But slapping a ‘New’ in front of the name of the country we bailed from over 200 years ago is just plain lazy and unoriginal.  On the other hand, I love me some peppermint patties. 

Pats 0, Giants 1

Turner: I’m going to have to go with England. If you are going to steal, steal a countries name, not a city or whatever York is.  As a proud American, I’m proud we not only stole our freedom from England but we put “new” in front of it and claimed it as ours. USA! USA! USA!

Patriots 1, Giants 0

#2 – Coach you would rather have leading a rag-tag bunch of civilians against an invading Chinese army (Red Dawn style): Belichick vs Coughlin

SD:  Because, make no mistake, if the Mayan apocalypse doesn’t occur, the Chinese will be parachuting into small Colorado towns before the next Super Bowl. Now is the time to prepare, man. While Coughlin’s penchant for military precision – 5 minutes early is late in his world – would be a benefit to maintain discipline among the survivors, it pales in comparison to Belichick’s willingness to move players into positions they aren’t accustomed to. Adapt or die Tom. You were impressed when Bill convinced Troy Brown and Julian Edelman to play defense; just wait until he trains my cat to use a flamethrower.

Patriots 1, Giants 1

Shadow: This is a little like choosing whether I would like to be led by an overbearing father, or a ‘stuck in the past’ psycho grandpa.  I am pretty sure that Belichick would successfully video tape the Chinese practicing their battle plan, and thus lead us to victory.  Coughlin would walk out on us since we all showed up to the rendezvous on time, instead of 10 minutes early. 

Pats 1, Giants 1

Turner: Not even close: Belichick.  Why – because he would be wearing a cut-off hoodie to blend in.  The key word here is “rag-tag civilians” as that is what he looks like and could blend into his people.

Patriots 2, Giants 0

#3 – Former NFL head coach now in Assistant coach role that is more likely to strangle his head coach late one night with the cord from a headset in an attempt to steal head coaching job: Josh McDaniels vs Kevin Gilbride

SD: I harbor a significant level of distrust for anyone that is willingly photographed wearing a moustache if they aren’t at the same time doing unspeakable things to Barely Legal Asian twins , so Gilbride warrants close surveillance but there isn’t a doubt in my mind that McDaniels would garrote Bill Belichick, Robert Kraft, Tom Brady and Denis Leary and then piss on Paul Revere’s grave before sitting back down and calmly finishing his clam chowder if it meant another chance at being a head coach.

Patriots 2, Giants 1

Shadow: Gilbride.  McDaniels ‘choking’ days are over after his unsuccessful flops in Denver and St Louis. 

Pats 1, Giants 2

Turner: Has to be Kevin Gilbride… the reason for this is Josh McDaniels is too much of a pansy to actually even attempt this because he know his puny little butt would get annihilated by the “chick”.  He isn’t man enough to even try.

Patriots 2, Giants 1

#4 – Back-up Quarterback secretly thinking that the team would be better with him playing: Ryan Mallett vs David Carr

SD: David Carr was the savior of Houston after being drafted #1 overall by the new Texans. That went about as well as Sam Houston’s attempt to save the Alamo. If there is anyone more than content to stand on the sideline and collect paychecks, it is the guy that owns the NFL record for being sacked the most in a single season. Ryan Mallett has heard how great he is since before he left high school. He doesn’t think he is better than Tom Brady. He KNOWS it. And, to answer the unspoken question in your mind: yes, he probably is on drugs.

Patriots 3, Giants 1

Shadow: Write-in Vote:  Tim Tebow.  We couldn’t have a season ending THH without mentioning Timmy.  WTF?  He is in a question farther down?  Curse you SuperDave! 

Pats 1, Giants 2

Turner: By default, it has to be Ryan Mallett.  Again, he is young and from Arkansas, so he might just be stupid enough to think he is better than Brady. It is not good when your IQ is less than Brady’s jersey number.  David Carr has learned his lesson, he just wants to collect the paycheck and wear the baseball hat to collect the ring, he knows that is the path to glory.

Patriots 3, Giants 1

#5 – Player more likely to spend his off-season writing dense mid-century French Philosophy: Zoltan Mesko vs Jason Pierre Paul

SD: If Zoltan Mesko doesn’t spend his off-season sipping café crème in a tiny café just off the Boulevard St. Germain wearing a black turtleneck and discussing the bourgeois undertones of Jean Paul Sartre’s late career work I will be devastated.

Patriots 4, Giants 1

Shadow: Zoltan will be a little too busy stuck inside that glass box and giving out prophecies/granting wishes to do any philosophizing.  Quick tangent:  since they are remaking the entire 1980’s, who would be the top contender to play Tom Hank’s role in a re-imagination of the classic comedy, Big!?  My money is on Jason Segel.  And before we get any angry writers commenting on the blog or Twitter about it…yes, I realize it is Zoltar…a little poetic license please.   Anyhoo…..if you need some French philosophy, you will need to turn to Jason Pierre Paul. 

Pats 1, Giants 3

Turner: Zoltan the Great.  To be a French writer you have to have the full name, not just a random French name in between two true American names.  If he had gone with Jaque’ Pierre La’Paul, then I’ll have gone the other way.  Additing apostrophes always gets you the French nod.

Patriots 4, Giants 1

#6 – If the best friend/sidekick of the leading man were named one of these, which movie would you rather see: Julian Edelman vs Chase Blackburn

SD: I love a good Judd Apatow comedy as much as the next guy and I am sure Julian Edelman (played by Jay Baruchel) would be great using an elaborate analogy involving masturbation and the barely legal Asian twin porno he watched last night to convince Seth Rogen that he is good enough to get the girl. But it is nothing compared to when Chase Blackburn and Jason Statham blow up that shipment of stolen Chinese arms at the port of Los Angeles that thwarts the planned invasion.

Patriots 4, Giants 2

Shadow: It is obvious that the leading man in movie number 1 is Jude Law and am pretty sure Merchant Ivory is the studio doing it, whereas the Chase Blackburn character is alongside Stone Cold Steve Austin in some straight to video dreck, probably entitled, ‘Hunt to Kill IV:  The Killing Hunters’.  Shadow 3:16 says Stone Cold just kicked Jude’s ass. 

Pats 1, Giants 4

Turner: You can’t have a wingman with a name of Julian, people would automatically accuse him of having a sex change and forgetting to change his name.  Chase Blackburn is a solid wingman name, something I would equate to John Turner.

Patriots 4, Giants 2

#7 – Name more aligned with your general attitude toward life: Kyle Love vs Bear Pasco

SD: Speaking of elaborate analogies, there is probably something here to be equate this question to the coming Presidential election (with the double meaning of ‘Bear’ adding delicious irony for the Republicans), but I won’t go there. I am a peacenik, tree-hugging liberal at heart, so give me Love all day. Particularly if barely legal Asian twins are involved.

Patriots 5, Giants 2

Shadow: Interesting that in an article about Hate, on a blog built on healthy doses of hate, that ‘Love’ is one of the choices here.  Do we really expect that any of the three of us align with ‘love’ as our general attitude towards life?  Well, that big softie Turner might.  Okay, fine.  Me too.  All you need is love.  Peace. 

Pats 2, Giants 4

Turner: If the Shadow answers anything other than the “Bear”, then he is fibbing.  I’ve seen how hairy he is.  I too will have to go with Bear Pasco. Primarily because I love to sleep and hibernating for 7 months and then gorging myself for the remaining months just seems so appealing.

Patriots 4, Giants 3

#8 – Super Bowl week storyline you most want to see: Rob Gronkowski declared out from game with multiple venereal diseases caught at Indy-area strip club vs Prince Amukamara declared out from game after being granted the monarchy of a small African country

SD: Gronk’s mid-season revelation that he spends his free time with porn stars (though NOT barely legal Asian twins, sadly), just reinforces every indication that he is just a meat head (as if the goofy face, crewcut and hard-nosed playing style weren’t enough of a hint). If I were selling the Amukamara scenario in Hollywood I would use the phrase: “It’s Coming To America meets The Princess Diaries” and spend the rest of the day rolling in my piles of cash like Scrooge McDuck. I don’t just want this to happen, I need this to happen.

Patriots 5, Giants 3

Shadow: Such great choices…..but just so I could see the back cover of the New York Post declare, “GROIN-K-OWWWWWW-SKI”, I am going to have to go with Rob here. 

Pats 3, Giants 4

Turner: Would love to see the Gronk get diagnosed with St. Elmo’s Fire.  He would combine so many diseases to actually genetically create a new one.  Prince wouldn’t really be a story because he opened a bad email and sent $1,000,000 for the monarchy only to learn it was a scam.  He is from Nebraska, he is a bit naive. 

Patriots 5, Giants 3

#9 – Last name that sounds more like a planet from the Star Wars series: Ihedigbo vs Trattou

SD: I am actually 93% sure Trattou was a planet in the Star Wars series. Probably in Episode 2, which is why none of us remember it.

Patriots 5, Giants 4

Shadow: I will admit to watching part of the Oprah interview with George Lucas the other week….what can I say, I’m a big Star Wars fan….and he said he literally has multiple notebooks filled with nothing other than made up names that he may need to use some time.  I respect that.  It is hard to make up a name that sounds both good and plausible.  I think Ihedigbo just doesn’t roll off the tongue nicely enough to be a planet in the Star Wars Universe, so Trattou will take its place alongside Hoth, Alderran, Dagobah, Tatooine, Naboo, Krysshk, Geonosis, etc, etc. 

Pats 3, Giants 5

Turner: Trattou – why?  I have no idea other than I feel bad the Giants are getting their asses kicked in this THH so I give them a sympathy vote.

Patriots 5, Giants 4

#10 – Who does Tim Tebow want to win: Patriots vs Giants

SD: This question was added as I am obligated to mention Tebow as part of my 2012 Denver city taxes. Anyone that has ever read the Old Testament (or, at least, read a blog summarizing the Old Testament), recognizes the phrase ‘vengeful God’. Would God cheer for someone that is everything he isn’t (accurate passer, successful in pro-style offenses, swimming in a never ending Chocolate fountain of gorgeous women)? No, of course not.

Patriots 5, Giants 5

Shadow: Several teams made Tim Tebow look Super Human this year.  And then there was one team that made him look like Clark Kent in an Alaskan diner after giving up his ‘powers’ so he could be with Lois Lane in Superman II.  Not only once……but twice.  I just can’t see Timmy rooting for the Patriots. 

Pats 3, Giants 6

Turner:  Patriots…. Tom Brady looks a lot more like Riley Cooper than Eli Manning does.

Patriots 6, Giants 4

TIEBREAKER: Quarterback that Peyton Manning is actually hoping wins another Super Bowl: Brady vs Manning

SD: The Brady & Peyton comparison as this generation’s Montana & Marino is so trite and cliché the only people still writing it probably work for Bleacher Report. Or are named Woody Paige. That was locked in conventional wisdom hell 5 years ago. Much like his freaky long neck, Peyton has grown to learn to live and be comfortable with it. However no one ever said, “You know, Marino’s younger brother might be better than him.” Someone once did say that about Michael Vick and he was so insulted he had his brother raped and killed by a Pit Bull. Peyton has no desire to become the Marcus Vick of the Manning family.

Peyton may be outwardly cheering for Eli but deep in places he pretends doesn’t exist, he will be desperately hoping Brady puts the smack down.

And, apparently, so will I.

Patriots 6, Giants 5

Shadow: It’s not needed, but I will answer anyway.  I honestly believe that at the end of the day, all sibling rivalry is set aside anytime a Manning is in a big game, and that whole family pulls whole-heartedly for each other. 

Pats 3, Giants 7

So, it’s basically a blow out for the Giants…and honestly, I would love to see the same thing Sunday, after I have relieved the wallets of Turner and SuperDave of some of their hard earned cash at various games of chance and skill.

Turner: Everyone who says Manning is flat out an idiot.  You never want your younger brother to win more than  you do.  People who say he roots for “blood” is taking it all wrong, he wants to see blood come out of Eli’s mouth as Vince Wolfolk sits on him. 

 That is it folks, the Patriots are going to dominate!!  7-4 with the tiebreak!  Long Live the Queen Brady!

It is my 5^th anniversary of running a live commentary for the AFC Championship. As our host Jim Nantz might say, it has become a tradition unlike any other.

Sure, with my love of Twiter, this is just a delayed version of what I would be saying anyway but on the bright side I won’t be spending half the game editing myself to get down to that annoying 140 character limit.

So, let’s dive right in.

- Jim Nantz and Phil Simms’ feathered hair greet us and send us to the field where Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler sings the national anthem. Between Tyler, Phil’s hair and the 49ers/Giants game later today, I am suddenly feeling very nostalgic for the 1980’s. May have to play some Men At Work at halftime.

- Also, I am imagining roughly 478,976 comments mocking Tyler’s singing American Idol-style.

- First commercial break and we get an ad for Ghost Rider Two? How did a movie that never should have been made, spawn a sequel? Is this like Chinese parents having a second child solely because they were disappointed that their first child was a girl?

- And we have kick-off. Ravens don’t bring it out which pretty much sums up their entire offensive philosophy

- 3 and out, after runs by Ray Rice, Ricky Williams and Joe Flacco. Only one of these has a moustache that makes him look like an extra on Justified. He is the one that also runs like an extra on Justified.

 - Patriots almost block the punt and Jim Nantz has already shown more emotion than the entire season to this point. It sounds like he got a Gus Johnson blood transfusion this week. 

-Three and out for the Patriots. I take back everything I said, Tebow really could be a championship QB based on what I have seen so far today.

- Is it a good sign that the announcers discuss whether the Ravens have confidence in Flacco on the 2^nd drive of the game, followed by Flacco taking a sack? Probably not.

- 3 drives, no first downs. The Tebow offensive game plan is revolutionizing the NFL right before our eyes.

- Patriots get the game’s first first down with 2 running plays. Sad, that this is a highlight.

- Julian Edelman has already played running back, wide receiver and defensive back. He is the most-Patriot Patriot ever.

- A lot of stuff just happened but because of a penalty none of it happened. It was the Christopher Nolan film of football plays.

- Pass to Gronkowski, who gets the ball to the 10-yard line before Ravens tackle him. Tackling Gronkowski? That wasn’t in the Broncos game plan last week, good coaching Ravens.

- Ray Lewis just effectively covered Wes Welker on 3^rd and long, so if you are scoring at home: Stabby > Scrappy

- Field goal Patriots. 3-0. Yes, I am as excited as it seems.

- Yep, a 3 and out Ravens with another Flacco sack. I’m just going to put this phrase in auto-fill

- The fact that Domino’s thinks something called ‘undercheesing’ is a national crisis, makes me weep. And I blame them for my tears being greasy, cheesy goodness

- Pats start driving but LaDarius Webb makes a diving interception of Brady on a pass to Edelman. In fairness, maybe Brady got confused and thought Edelman was playing defense.

- First play of Ravens drive and Flacco throws deep on the run to Torrey Smith, who I’m pretty sure is incapable of running anything but straight down the field.

- Michael Oher gets hurt on a running play. I assume when he gets to the sideline, Sandra Bullock will come down out of the stands and tell him to shake it off.

- Wasn’t Torrey Smith the name of one of the mean girls in Heathers? Patriots might want to spike his Gatorade with Drano soon

- End of the first quarter with Ravens in the red zone.

- New E-Trade baby commercial that somehow makes less sense than the others, a remarkable feat.

- Flacco completion on 3^rd down to start 2^nd quarter but it appears a half yard short and the field goal team comes out. Way to avoid an opportunity for drama and excitement Harbaugh. 3-3.

- Afer kick-off, The Law Firm peels off 2 straight 10+yard runs. Ray Lewis fought The Law and The Law won.

- A long completion to the Gronk, a face mask penalty and The Law Firm runs in for the game’s first touchdown. This Tom Brady guys has a future but I’m afraid he will always be derided as a Game Manager. 10-3 Patriots.

- Dr Pepper wants us all to express our individuality by using their corporate hashtag #Ima followed by what describes us. So individuality is now defined as acting like a sheep at the direction of a corporation – got it.

- Anquan Boldin with a long completion on the post route. Now that is the Pats defense we all know and love.

- 3^rd and 1 and CBS shows Cam Cameron on the sideline. I bet he wishes he could call a reverse to Ted Ginn right now. (Painful joke for Dolphins fans only).

- First down for Ravens and then a touchdown pass from Flacco to Dennis Pitta. Of course a quarterback with the moustache of a gyro cart attendant throws to a guy named Pitta.

- I know several people that used to work for IBM. Not a single one worked on ‘building a smarter planet’. Most of them worked on ‘making money for IBM’. I assume these are different divisions or something?

- That joke is truly a tradition unlike any other

- Pats moving the ball again. Tight ends on crossing patterns and runs up the middle are gouging the Ravens – you know – plays that take advantage of older linebackers that dance better than they play.

- Gronkowski fails to keep his feet inbounds on a 3^rd down completion and the Patriots kick another field goal. I’m not even going to try and type the name of the Pats kicker as there is zero chance I get it right.

- Commercial for the new movie 21 Jump Street. Even Steven Tyler is like “I can’t believe they dusted off that old relic and brought it back.”

- Long 3^rd down completion by Ravens with 1:50 to play pretty much ensures the Pats won’t cover the 1^st half spread. Damn you Joe Flacco. Damn you to hell.

- Jim Nantz just got Julian Edelman and Wes Welker confused. Bill Belichick’s scrappy receiver cloning scheme is working to perfection.

- After Ravens punt, Pats just take a knee a couple times and finish out the half. I haven’t seen Brady quit on anything that blatantly since he dumped Bridget Moynahan.

- Halftime summary: blah, blah, blah. Brady needs to play better. Flacco has a stupid moustache. (paraphrasing)

- After the game comes back and some players start jawing at each other, Phil Simms says that Ray Lewis would be the last person he would trash talk because “…umm he can talk really well.” Good rationale. Here is mine: HE ONCE KILLED A MAN.

- Patriots driving. Hernandez has a couple runs and receptions. But, as a former teammate, what does he think of Tebow? Hope the Denver Post gets an interview after the game.

- Drive stalls and ‘He Who Can’t Be Spelled’ kicks another field goal. 16-10 Patriots.

- Ravens drive and former Gator Brandon Spikes gets in a little shoving match. There are so many Gators on the Patriots it is too bad Nick Saban left the Dolphins because he would definitely dominate the Pats.

- Another 3^rd down completion by Flacco. He is looking shockingly competent. Or maybe I’ve just forgotten what it is like to watch an AFC title game without Mark Sanchez participating.

- Torrey Smith breaks a tackle on a short 3^rd down completion and runs it in for a diving, sprawling touchdown that is confirmed on review. Smith is a rookie from Maryland, and this touchdown officially makes him the most successful Terp ever to play in the NFL not named Boomer.

- Hard as it is to believe, we now have a 17-16 game. When did this get interesting?

- A sequel to Clash of the Titans? Shortly after a 21 Jump Street commercial. I seriously need to get my Members Only jacket out of storage.

- Fumble on the kickoff by Danny Woodhead and the Ravens recover. Hard to believe a decade of drafting no talent at skill positions would end up biting the Patriots.

- Joe Flacco on a long keeper to get near the 10-yard line. We are getting precariously close to Eli Manning being the best quarterback remaining in the playoffs. I’m not comfortable living in this world.

- Big sack on 3^rd, so the Ravens settle for field goal attempt. Good. 20-16 Ravens.

- First play after the kick-off is a long completion to the Gronk but he tweaks a leg on the tackle. OH and irony alert, it was Bernard Pollard with the tackle! If the Pats are an evil empire, Bernard Pollard is the Uma Thurman character on a one-man crusade for justice.

- Another Raven interception wiped out by penalty. Somewhere David Stern is watching this and thinking: “Well done, NFL. Well done.” End of the 3^rd quarter.

- Brady and the Law Firm denied from the 1-yard line. On 4^th down, Brady goes up and over with a dive for the touchdown to take the lead 23-20.

- The Ravens are pounding the ball with Ricky Williams and Ray Rice. Going right at the Pats defense like they are burning clock for a last minute touchdown…

- Right up until Flacco throws an interception to Brandon Spikes. There is the Flacco we all know and love.

- Peyton Manning is now doing Papa John’s commercials with Papa John and Jerome Bettis. I wish Rob Lowe had warned us about that.

- Long ball by Brady is tipped by Uma Pollard in the end zone and rookie Jimmy Smith gets the interception. Back to back interceptions and Tim Tebow yells at his TV: “See! I can play as well as these guys!”

- 4^th and 6 from the Pats 33-yard line and the Ravens line up to go for it. As someone who publicly picked the Pats to cover that 7.5 point spread, I am wholly in favor of the Ravens foregoing the tying field goal here.

- Pressure up the middle and the incomplete pass by Flacco. That was entirely predictable. I have too much respect for the Harbaugh clan, so I will blame Cam Cameron for that decision.

- Patriots doing an admirable job of running the ball, failing to cover the spread, and failing to gain a first down. Really the trifecta of failure here. Two-minute warning.

- Incomplete pass on 3^rd down. Pats cover is done. Only chance at getting the Over is overtime. And yes gambling is more important than the outcome of the actual game. It’s not like this the Fantasy football championship weekend or something.

- 3^rd and 1 from mid-field with a minute to play and after catching a short out Anquan Boldin sneaks down the sideline for a 29-yard gain.

- Lee Evans drops a touchdown pass when it is knocked out of his hands. Ravens were that close to winning it out-right. After knocked down 3^rd down pass, Ravens attempt a field to goal to tie with 15 seconds.

- He shanked it. Unbelievable. If Billy Cundiff is found stabbed in a gutter somewhere later, Ray Lewis definitely did not do it.

- Hard to believe there were 2 separate epic choke jobs on that final drive and neither involved Joe Flacco.

- Patriots win – back to the Super Bowl and I am off to cheer on the 49ers. Let’s hope at least one Harbaugh makes the Super Bowl.

After an epic wildcard weekend when an improbable performance led to a week of accolades and praise, a massive failure in the divisional round has again raised questions as to whether he should really even be trying to earn a living doing this.

Never have I felt closer to Tim Tebow than I do now.

He had that 29-23 OT win against the Steelers. I had going 7 of 8 on first half and full game picks against the spread. We were on top of the world. Entire SportsCenter episodes were devoted to some or all of our exploits. After years of facing doubters, we were finally proving we belong.

Until the damn Patriots came along.

Tim’s season ended after an abysmal, embarrassing 45-10 loss in New England. I finished the weekend having gotten 2 of 8 picks right – which means my picks were just slightly more accurate than Tim’s passes.

However while Tim will head off to the Philippines to circumcise children –which we really hope he completes with a much higher accuracy than his passing – I battle on and turn my attention to the AFC and NFC title games.

Can I salvage my overall 9-7 record and successfully return to the land of riches and showgirls?

Will we see a re-match of Super Bowl XLII?

Will the Harbaugh brothers face each other in a Super Bowl that sets a record for ‘Most reporters beating tired storyline into ground before end of first week’ after narrowly edging out T.O.’s ankle in 2005 and Patriots pursuit of 19-0 in 2008?

Will Alex Smith and Joe Flacco makes us all pine for a Brad Johnson / Rich Gannon Super Bowl?

What percentage of Green Bay’s population dies of a broken cholesterol-clogged heart in the next year?

I can’t answer all of these questions. Ok, I can’t answer any.

But I can make more picks that have a 56% chance of being correct!

AFC Championship – Ravens @ Patriots

Halftime: Patriots (-4.5)

Full Game: Patriots (-7.5)

This past Thursday would have been Edgar Allan Poe’s 203^rd birthday. In an odd tradition a mystery man would show up every year and place 2 roses and a half-full bottle of cognac on the Baltimore area grave of the author of The Raven, inspiration for the team’s name. In an even odder tradition, people started showing up each year to watch a mystery man show up and place 2 roses and a half-full bottle of cognac on the author’s Baltimore area grave. While I think this says a lot about the entertainment options in the greater Baltimore area, I have to admit, there is a history/mystery geek buried in me that loves this tradition so, so much.

Sadly, for the 3^rd year in a row the Poe Toaster did not show up and the annual vigil is being abandoned. Sad as the end of this tradition is, it is equally sad to me that this may be the end of the greatest nickname east of AK-47, Andrei Kirilenko.

So what does this have to do with the Patriots, Ravens game? Nothing. And everything. On a weekend after the Poe Toaster vanishes for good, will the Ravens be able to play effectively with heavy hearts? Will this be a reminder to Ray Lewis of his less than glorious past (driven crazy by the endless thumping of the tell-tale heart)? Will Joe Flacco be able to set aside his recent troubles and play well or will he be responsible for the Fall of the House of Usher….err the House of Bischiotti?

The Ravens have played the Pats well in the past, but the Patriots seem to be on a mission this year. Flacco has not progressed during his time in the league and the team has yet to find receivers to pick up the slack.

In the end, I think the tone of his game will be set early. The Pats will either come out and dominate from the start (see: last week) or they will struggle and let the visitors stay close the whole game. This is one game where the halftime pick must be the same as the full game.

I think the Patriots dominate the Ravens like Bill Belichick attacking the sleeves of a hoodie. Take the Pats in both the first half and for the whole game.

In the end, like the Poe Toaster, the Ravens shall be nevermore.

NY Giants @ Forty-Niners

Halftime: Forty-Niners (-.5)

Full Game: Forty-Niners (-2.5)

An NFC Championship game played in Candlestick Park on the edge of the San Francisco bay. It is enough to make an old heart warm with nostalgia. Or angina from all that wine and cheese. However this game is so opposite of games we have seen in the past.

Eli Manning is now the quarterback of a high powered passing attack. Yes, this man.

The Forty-Niners, once the underground laboratory for the mad-scientist of the West Coast offense revolution, relies on powerful defense and staunch running game to win.

When these teams met in the late 80’s it was the Giants running the ball and using a powerful defense, with a freak at linebacker, to slow down the meticulous 49er offense. Now the gameplans are reversed.

In the end, the Niners have already faced a better offense and prevailed. The Giants surprised a rusty, out-of-rhythm Packers offense last week that hadn’t played in nearly a month. The Niners shut down an offense that had scored 45 the week before.

A home field advantage of fans desperate for a return to championship performance brings out the best of the Niners in this one. The defense slows the Giants offense and the 49er offense slowly grinds down the Giants defense.

Take the Giants in the first half (say one long Victor Cruz touchdown, puts them in the front or keeps it tied). But the Niners find a way after halftime, Vernon Davis gashes the Giants secondary and the 49ers win, cover and head back to the Super Bowl.

In a battle for the ages, the Super Bowl pits the closest thing to a dynasty we have seen this millennium against the franchise that defined the word dynasty in the 80s.

You know, Bill, there’s one thing I learned in all my years. Sometimes you just gotta say, “What the f**k…”

- Joel Goodson, Risky Business

Sunday I completed a personally remarkable WildCard weekend.

My first half and full game spread picks completed the weekend a remarkable 7 of 8 – so impressive that my days of just giving you this type of knowledge for free is about its end. I mean Harvard ain’t free – am I right?

Of course when I become a Tout I will have to start using ALL CAPS a lot more often and will have to smother the lawyer living in my gut that says to not use words like GUARANTEE.  However, with the amount of dip I have eaten in the last couple of weeks, even if I don’t smother him he will be dead of heart disease before the Super Bowl.

Naturally my one loss came at the hands at my boys in blue, when they dared to take a lead into halftime against the Steelers. The Broncos dominated – then gave away – then shocked the world in beating a vastly overrated Steeler team on Sunday afternoon. Was it really an upset? The Steelers were decimated by injuries – no Mendenhall or Pouncey, Big Ben down to only one good rapin’ leg –  and a defense that is starting to look more like all reputation, no substance. Without Ryan Clark and his defensive Team MVP cell structure, the Steelers pass defense was almost Vikings-esque and that isn’t good.  

SIDEBAR: Personal note to Troy Polamalu: I mean, seriously? You make Pro Bowls, you get shampoo commercials, and the never-ending affection of football writers and then you become the personal punching bag of Tim Tebow and Demaryius Thomas? That’s an embarrassment. The only safety play I have ever seen more pathetic than your play on Sunday was when Dan Orlovsky ran out the back of the end zone. You should cut off all of your hair as penance. Or retire. Whatever.

But I’m not here to talk about the past. Let’s move on. To the Divisional Playoffs. I am riding an incredible picking streak. The Broncos are playing a full 2 weeks after anyone expected them to. At this point, we are all playing with house money, so in the immortal words of Joel Goodson I just say:

What the f**k.

Saturday

New Orleans @ San Francisco

First Half: New Orleans (-3)

Full Game: New Orleans (-3.5)

One team is the NFL’s own Air Show – an on-going series of aerial acrobatics by a group of interchangeable parts.

The other team is the earth-moving machine that the guys in Ocean’s Thirteen used to dig underneath the casino – slow, methodical, barely making noise yet constantly moving forward and seemingly unstoppable as it slowly crushes all in front of it.

Can the Saints’ aerial bombardment “shock and awe” the Niners into submission? Will the Niners stout, quick defense disrupt the Saints show and turn into one of those European Air Show disasters?

Playing the Niners presents 2 major challenges to the Saints – first the Niners defenders aren’t like the Lions. They are built for speed. Aldon Smith. Navarro Bowman. Patrick Willis. They all have speed.

Secondly, as the old saying that I just made up goes: you can take the team out of the dome, but you can’t take the dome out of the team. Even with the forecasted pleasant bay area weather, the Saints will face strange winds, thick, plush grass and cool, heavy air. None of those are things they see in the SuperDome – except maybe the heavy air caused by 75,000 fans stuffed with gumbo and boudin.

Between the Saints being a step slow and the speed of the Niners defense, I think the machine will be slightly off – like when your computer is running yet another Microsoft update in the background and every. Thing. It. Does. Goes. Very. Slowly.

On the other side of the ball, the Niners can minimize the risk associated with the phrase ‘starting playoff quarterback Alex Smith’ by pounding the ball. The Saints aren’t built on defense for a pounding ground game. As Alabama proved last weekend in their National Semifinal defeat of Oklahoma State, a dominant defense grounding a high flying offense and a meticulous power offense that limits mistakes can win.

What’s that?…College doesn’t have a playoff?… So we have no idea if Alabama could shut down OSU’s offense?…I don’t understand…The country’s 2^nd most popular sport can’t identify a definitive champion? …HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?

Anyway – back to a sport that crowns a true champion. The Saints may move the ball in the first half and score a touchdown or two before the Niners adjust and throw a wrench in the machine so take the Saints and give the points in the first half.

In the second half, like a horror movie murderer that never runs but always catches the running teen girl in the tight fitting tank top, the Niners slowly ground down the Saints defense and clog their offense. The Niners not only cover the full game spread but win out-right.

Denver @ New England

First Half: New England (-7)

Full Game: New England (-13.5)

The Broncos are on a crusade.

Oh, yes – there is the “Drive to the Super Bowl” and whatnot but that isn’t what this team is about. The whole ‘glories on Earth’ thing is beneath them. They aren’t after trophies.

They are after souls.

At the end of the 1997-1998 season, the Broncos entered the playoffs as a wildcard and embarked on the ‘Revenge’ Tour as each week featured a team that they felt they owed. The Jaguars (wildcard) had beaten them in the previous year’s playoffs. The Chiefs (divisional) and Steelers (AFC championship) had beaten the Broncos during the regular season and the Packers (Super Bowl) were defending champs.

The 1997 Broncos were a Quentin Tarantino character without even realizing it.

This year’s Bronco team isn’t out to revenge past defeats. Rather they have taken on their leader’s persona and are out to vanquish evil doers. The Broncos aren’t beating football teams, they’re cleansing a game’s morals. One Commandment at a time.

Last week, was the defeat of a rapist.

Allegedly.

Next comes a cheat and philanderer.

Allegedly.

And then, were the Broncos to defeat the Patriots and face the Ravens (favored over the Texans), they would face thieves (that stole a team from the people of Cleveland) and a murderer (<cough>Ray Lewis<cough>).

Allegedly.

In three short weeks, the Broncos can cleanse these playoffs of the sinners.

They can exorcise the demons. This house will be clear.

But can good truly triumph over evil again? The odds are long. But they were also long against a Jewish carpenter once, and raise your hand if you just got home from worshipping Jupiter and Juno.

The Broncos have 2 things going for them (beyond the existential power of the Heavens). First Tebow requires poor secondary play to throw the ball well – he needs receivers with some space thanks to less than Brady-esque confidence and accuracy (see: Steelers and Vikings games). Thankfully, the Patriots have a pass defense as bad as anyone in the NFL.

Secondly, while the Patriots did dominate the Broncos a few weeks ago, they dominated because of Broncos mistakes. Three awful turnovers before half turned a lead into a deficit – and these Broncos are as likely to stage a large comeback as they are to make it rain at The Gold Club.

History has also shown that while the Patriots may be consistently strong, their Achilles heel has been playoff re-matches at home (last year vs. Jets and 2 years ago vs. Ravens).

I am tempted to say take the Patriots in the first half, but I think at best, they get a push with the 7 point spread.

It is just too many points. Take the Broncos for the first half and full game and feel the warmth and strength that comes with being on the side of the just.

To bet on the Patriots at the Broncos today, you will need to give 7.5 points. For those not regularly familiar with betting on football – that is a lot of points.

That is the same amount that the Giants are favored at home against the (4-9) Redskins.

It is more than the Saints are favored at the (2-11) Vikings.

Even the winless Colts are only 7 point underdogs to the Titans.

Did I mention the Broncos have a record of 8-5, lead the AFC West, have won 6 straight and are at home?

In short – you are insane to bet on the Patriots.

I admit that there is a chance that the Patriots blow out the Broncos. Just look at what the Lions did several weeks ago. The prevailing theory is that the Lions game is the blueprint of what a high-scoring offense can do to the Broncos.

But a lot of things have changed since that game.

The first and most important is that the ever evolving Broncos offense. Back on October 30^th, John Fox and Mike McCoy tried to run a traditional offense in Tim Tebow’s 2^nd start this season. It was a failure, and between turnovers and 3-and-outs the Broncos defense never stood a chance.

In the intervening weeks, the Broncos have constantly evolved their offense, from a spread option to a conservative but traditional running game. Each week has brought a different attack so not even Belichick is really sure what he will see today.

Unless, of course, he has reverted to his Spy Gate approach.

Can the Broncos slow the high scoring Patriots defense? They won’t stop them but they can hope to contain them. With one of the 5 best pass rushing tandems to put pressure on Brady without blitzing, little concern for an anemic Pats running game, and 2 veteran quarterbacks (with a history of success versus Brady) they should be able to at least keep the Patriots under their average, high scoring ways.

And that may be enough with an offense that should score more than it has the last few weeks.

The key to stopping Tebow’s passing game is tight coverage. He is just not accurate enough or confident enough to put the ball in tight windows. It is more than a coincidence that there have been 2 situations in which Tebow has thrown well.

1 – Late in games, when teams protecting a lead, drop into a prevent defense to preclude the long pass. With suddenly more space between his receivers and defenders Tebow gains the confidence he had when his receivers at UF ran wide open against inferiors opponents.

2 – Against a Vikings secondary that was so awful I entertained myself all afternoon by comparing Tebow to M. Night Shymalan, because the Vikings inspired me to think that Tebow was seeing dead people. With a secondary that bad, Eric Decker and Demaryious Thomas easily got open and Tebow could put the ball close enough for them to make plays.

In case you haven’t noticed, the Patriots secondary is pretty bad. The Pats are giving up 308 yards per game, good enough for dead last in the NFL.

Tebow should be able to complete passes, keep the ball moving and allow the running game to roll.

The Patriots will score points, I don’t doubt that. But so will the Broncos. And do you really want to have money against Tebow late in a close game?

Between a frenzied Mile High crowd and the inexplicable power of Tebow, there is little doubt the Broncos can keep within 7 points of the Patriots. Having won 6 straight games, none of which made any logical sense, why think the Broncos would suddenly get blown out?

For me, gambling on football comes down to figuring out which games are Gimmes and which games are Traps. The Broncos sure look like a Gimme to me.  

The only ones that can really think that laying 7. 5points on the Pats at Denver is a Gimme are the same folks that wrote an article before the last baseball season that the 2011 Red Sox might be one of the greatest teams ever.