There is much hand-wringing and Twitter-hashtag making about the lack of a clear national champion in college football. While I can’t defend a system that will label Alabama the national champion solely because of timing, I will defend, to the death, the majesty of bowl season.

Bowls that dot the TV schedule this week are inherently meaningless (which is why Tom O’Brien is so good at them) but they are a low-stress way to celebrate the past college football season.

Do I want FSU to destroy Notre Dame? Of course. Will it cause me to curl up in a corner and suck my thumb for days if they lose? No. FSU once lost a Bowl to Kentucky, who, I’m pretty sure disbanded their entire program a couple years later when they couldn’t even get Ashley Judd to show up to their rivalry game versus Tennessee.

Let’s face it, every team playing a bowl game prior to New Year’s Day falls into one of two camps: (1) a team that disappointed during the season and is settling for a lesser bowl or (2) a bad team that surprised by winning that 7^th game and are thrilled to be in a bowl. Any bowl.

Which makes it all the more fun.

With all of these random match-ups that you aren’t invested in, who do you cheer for? Well, there is one special aspect to Bowl games that you can use to guide your decisions.

It used to be that normal sponsors supported only a few of the Bowls. Fed Ex Orange Bowl. Tostitos Fiesta Bowl. But now every bowl has a sponsor and they all seem to try to out-ridiculous each other.

But those sponsors are there for a reason – to make money. Obviously, teams are invited because Bowl games think they will bring fans. But you know, deep in the corporate balance sheets that replace their cold, dead corporate hearts, they prefer one team over the other. So who do they want to win?

It always safe to cheer for the same team as the sponsors, since, you know, corporations run the world so you know they can dictate who will win. And we all want to be on the side of the winners.

Bell Helicopter Bowl: BYU v Tulsa

The corporate synergies between a Helicopter company and a team with the nickname ‘Golden Hurricanes’ are so obvious, I’m surprised this wasn’t a challenge on The Apprentice. Plus, you know the military-industrial complex sees the Church of Latter Day Saints as competition for global domination and would prefer to do nothing to help advance the Mormon cause. At least not until President Romney mandates all companies convert if they want a government contract.

New Era Pinstripe Bowl: Rutgers v Iowa State

Let’s face it, people in New York don’t understand college football. It is as foreign as boiled peanuts and chitlins. Thus they play a bowl game in a baseball stadium and get a sponsor that sells baseball caps. They also are the only ones left that think Rutgers is a football school. For New Era though, it is all about selling caps. If I think of Rutgers students wearing ball caps, they are all brand new caps with flat brims and the stickers still attached. Iowa State students I assume wear old, ratty, beat-up John Deere caps. Who do you think a hat company sees as the better target market?

AutoZone Liberty Bowl: Cincy v Vandy

Vandy sees itself as the Ivy League school of the SEC. Of course, compared to most SEC schools, Tallahassee Community College is closer to the Ivy League. Honestly, I have no idea what sort of scholastic reputation Cincinnati has but when I think of the Bearcats, I think of guys like Kenyon Martin. If an auto-repair store sees one of these fan bases as a target market, it has to be Cincy. Unless we include the chauffeurs and valets of the Vandy students, but I think that is cheating.

Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl: UCLA v Illinois

There are so many things to love about this bowl – the fact that both coaches have been fired. The fact that crunchy San Francisco hosts a bowl game aimed at fighting hunger. I’m just disappointed this is being held the same day as the Northrop Grumman Military Bowl as the perfect demonstration of the countries’ political divide.

But this is all about the sponsors. Who does Kraft see as advancing the cause of fighting hunger better? Given that the Illinois is the home state of Archer Daniels Midland, one of the largest food companies in the world, a good showing by the Illini would help solidify a donation by ADM. Sure, ADM would probably donate experimental, genetically modified foods, but when you are starving do you really care about an extra arm growing out of your head?

As the saying goes, beggars can’t be choosers.

Happy Bowl season everyone!

It is a Thursday morning at PFB HQ. I arrived home from the City by the Bay late last night and in less than 24 hours we will be taking the official THH road trip to Las Vegas. It is hard to hate much when you are staring right at 3 days of the blackjack tables and sports book in Mandalay Bay. Other than unfriendly dealers of course.

What is it about a pending trip to Vegas that consumes your life? I went to Europe a couple months ago but did I obsess about all things European before going? Did I watch subtitled French art films, eat cheese and drink wine? Did I eat sausage and beer at every meal until the only thing keeping beer from seeping out every pore of my body was that the pores were clogged with pork fat? No, I didn’t. At least no more than usual.

Yet, with a trip to Vegas on the horizon, I am suddenly consumed with gambling. Whether it is innocent sport-picking games on espn.com, watching poker on TV or playing my little handheld blackjack game, it has been all- gambling, all-the-time for me this week. Why is that? I know I am going to lose large amounts of money, so it isn’t like I think all of this work will give me some sort of edge.

All of this makes we wonder if I have wee-bit of a gambling problem. But I don’t think I do for two reasons. First, is that I am too cheap to lose a ton of money. The second is that I have convinced myself that I only really like gambling as a way to stroke the competitiveness that is no longer a daily part of my life as it was back in my younger days. Now, that I am evolving into a decrepit old man that groans when he stands up and sighs when he sits down, I need some competition to keep me going. Demonstrating my superior knowledge through making money is the perfect avenue for that.

What do they say? Admitting you have a problem is the first step? Well, I won’t be taking that step until at least Monday.  

Turner: I learned a valuable lesson this past week… The more you look forward to something, the more disappointed you will be.  That happened as the Shadow and I made a road trip to Lincoln to watch my beloved Sooners take on the Huskers.  My anticipation had been building for the past 4 months for this game.  It had been a dream of mine since I was a kid to go to Lincoln and even though the rivalry (or greatness of the teams) isn’t the same, it brought back so many great memories that caused me to love college football.   I Highly recommend everyone make it to Lincoln for a game, and if you do, you must attend Sidetracks, a local bar full of Huskers and a live band spending the entire time berating the other team with some good ol’ fashioned humor and jesting.  That was pretty much the highlight of the weekend…..

From there the Shadow and I woke up and worked out (not together for either item) and made our way to a local bar for the Iowa game.  I won’t go into any details on that painful experience but to watch a dear friend suffer in misery but try to maintain a positive attitude was not enjoyable.   We then went there and as SD recapped, did a bit of tailgating, beer drinking (me, not the Shadow), and watching pretty much all 80,000 people come up to the Shadow (who was wearing his Iowa Shirt and Hat) and say “Hey man, did you see the Iowa game today” or “Hey man, did Iowa pull it out” or “Hey man, you do know that you lost to Northwestern, right”.  At any rate, the Shadow handled himself much better than I would have, he simply smiled (showing his sharp pointy hawkeye teeth) and said “yep”.   No anger, nothing… I was proud to be near a man (not that near) that had such composure. 

The roles reversed as the University of Oklahoma apparently left their entire football team in Norman (or they stayed at Sidetracks much too long).  To watch your team march past the 50 so many times and yet never score was painful.  But like the Shadow, I never raised my voice or lost my cool (thanks mostly to the 8 year old boy sitting in front of us).  I simply accepted the fact that this season sucks and I drove 8 hours through smelly, flat-land to watch my team lay a gigantic egg.  After the game, the Shadow and I simply walked back to the car with everyone we know asking the same three questions to me that they were asking the Shadow early (except insert “crappy a$$ Sooners” in for “Iowa”).  We held our heads high knowing that it isn’t the end of the world.

Why?  Well of course is because as bad as last weekend was, this weekend will be 100,000,000 times better.  In 48 hours, we’ll be in Vegas and I’m feeling it, starting with my first ever poker tournament on Friday night.  Karma will turn and by the end of the weekend, you will be comparing the names of Turner, SD, and The Shadow to those of famous Vegas lore.  Hopefully the stories will be so deep that we’ll get 2 or three posting out of it next week.  So I bid adieu to Lincoln and welcome the bright lights of Sin City, what a week.

Shadow: The dream is over.  Jimmy Vandenberg’s debut reminded me of the Tommy “Turnover” Maddox era for my Broncos.  To be fair, it was his first extended action, but, dammit……it was Northwestern!  I would like to think we have enough talent to still beat Northwestern even without QB1 and RB1 and RB2.  Sad.  And this was after the Broncos had already succumbed to their first defeat, and have since added on another, and the offense looks atrocious.  The Autumn of the Shadow has now turned into The Fall of the Shadow’s Football Teams.  I am trying hard to focus on this THH, but it is difficult. 

 Last weekend started so promising.  Road trip with Turner to Lincoln for the big Nebraska-OU showdown.  Friday night stop at “Sidetracks”, a local Lincoln joint only open on home game weekends.  Not much talent in the room, although there was plenty on the stage as the Sidetracks Band revved up the crowd by taking well known tunes and replacing the lyrics to either glorify the Huskers or denounce the Sooners, including a rather scathing rendition of Boomer Sooner, where the band went ahead and added on a few verses since the song kind of lacks verbosity.  The other highlight from Sidetracks was that the little old lady leading the band would read anything the crowd would write on cocktail napkins and handed to her.  Let’s just say I heard anatomical references and various descriptions of “coupling” that would have made a sailor blush.  And it was most incongruous to hear it coming out of someone who could be my grandma. 

 Since the big game wasn’t until 7 PM we had plenty of time to get up, watch the Iowa game, and tailgate with the Local Lincolnites.  As everyone knows by now, the day started shitty with Iowa losing their starting quarterback and then their first game.  I had to absorb some good natured ribbing from the locals.  Many Nebraskan fans seemed overjoyed that Iowa had lost.  I took most of it with stoic grace, but one annoying fan that just couldn’t let it go and kept yelling at me that Iowa lost (as if someone walking through Lincoln with a Hawkeye shirt and hat on would not know what had occurred), so I kindly reminded him that Nebraska lost to the J.V. team from the state of Iowa.  They didn’t like this.

 We also got to tailgate with the CEO of our company.  He was really down to earth, and eats Fritos right out of the bag like the rest of us.  No bean dip though.  And he kind of thought I was just a friend of Turner’s rather than realizing that I work for him as well, and in fact spend most of my time making Turner look good…which is a tough job…I probably need a raise.  By the time we got into the luxury suite, and looked out upon the fabled “Sea of Red” it was a pretty amazing site.  I had never been to any big time college games, and it was truly an experience.  Turner’s Holieway jersey ensured we would be showered with wisecracks all game, especially with the game itself a true snoozer.  I am pretty sure both offensive coordinators should have been fired on the spot.

 So we ended the day with a loss for each of our team’s, including SuperDave’s Seminoles, and still had to face the 7 hour drive back to Denver.  If anyone asks me if I would ever do this again, I can answer quite honestly…….Damn Right I would!  Even with the losses, it was a hell of a lot of fun, and a perfect warm-up for the debauchery that will occur this weekend in Las Vegas.

College:

Northwestern @ Illinois

SD: Our theme this week is intrastate rivals – because nothing is harder than picking between two teams in the same state you couldn’t care less about. Our first match-up is the old classic state school v. uppity, smart kid private school (see also: UNC/Duke, Cal/Stanford). Well I am state schooler through and through – from my parents to my collegiate experience to my outlook on life (fun before social standing). So in honor of all those kids out there that weren’t born with a trust fund and didn’t spend their entire high school career only doing what looked best on their college application, I’m cheering for the Illini. Take that silver spoon and shove it Wildcats.

Turner: 1 giant bag of poop to SD for this one.  This is just rubbing it in the Shadow’s wounds.   Under normal circumstances, I’d always go with NW because of their academics and purple but because of the heartbreak they caused my friend (or should I say “my employee” because the Shadow always introduces me as “his boss” versus “his friend” which completely pisses me off every time), I have to go with the Illini.  They ruined last Saturday, likely ruined the Rose Bowl dreams, and even potentially ruined the big game on Saturday versus OSU by breaking Stanzi’s leg.  You might be smart but you weren’t considerate NW.

Shadow: F*cking Northwestern.

Idaho @ Boise State

SD: One of these is the most overrated team in college football since the 2007 Hawaii Rainbow Warriors and set the tone for my college fantasy season by taunting and (most likely) racially slurring my first round draft pick to that point that he sucker-punched a dude, tried to pull a Ron Artest on the crowd and got dismissed for the season (only to be re-instated this week, the first week of my fantasy league playoffs – for which I didn’t qualify thanks to the aforementioned losing of my first round pick in the first game of the entire year. Awesome). The other team is based in Moscow and is nicknamed the Vandals. There isn’t much to like about a state best known for its militias and Senators that like anonymous gay sex in airport bathrooms but aren’t gay, but a city named Moscow and a team named Vandals is one of them. Please Vandals, save the college football world from suffering through this BSU team getting shellacked in an undeserved BCS bowl.  

Turner: Great match up here and having been in Idaho twice in the last month, the entire state is gearing up for this game.  Mark Schlereth of Bronco fame is an Idaho alum and has been talking the Vandals up for the past three weeks on ESPN.  I’m going to have jump on the Vandal bandwagon on this one only due to the fact that BSU has been whining about how great they are when they really aren’t.  They need to go down now so we can stop listening to them think they deserve to be on the big stage.  I don’t mind a TCU or even a Cincy but Boise has done absolutely nothing to impress me over the last month (ok – since Oregon) so I just want the smurfs to be quiet for a while so we can focus on the future of Idaho football.

Shadow: Congrats Idaho!  You get my vote.  Boise State- if you are wondering why I hate you, you can thank Eric Weaver who works for 5280 Solutions right down the road from your Smurf Turfed stadium.  His obnoxiousness about why if Boise State runs the table next year they will definitely be in the national title game made me start to feel intense hatred for all things Boise State. 

NFL:

Tampa Bay @ Miami

SD: The battle of the sunshine state.  I have never cheered much for the Dolphins, mostly because I had a long-running Marino vs. Elway debate with my huge Dolphin friend Doug. Actually I should say ‘have’ not ‘had’ because the debate still rages to this day – a full decade after Elway proved without a doubt that he was the better quarterback. Doug is just a little slow. Anyway, with that I would lean toward the Bucs – but don’t think I haven’t forgotten what they did to the incomparable Derrick Brooks this offseason and don’t think I haven’t immensely enjoyed every single point scored on this inept team. If Jay Cutler weren’t in the league, Raheen Morris might be the most hated NFL individual around PFB HQ these days. But, even my cheering for the Dolphins doesn’t change how much better Elway was than Marino.

Turner: Tampa Bay is on my sh**-list right now.   Why?  Because I was there a few weeks ago and wanted a tag-along (you know those peanut butter girl scout cookies) blizzard from Dairy Queen.  First off there is only 1 DQ in the entire city which blows my mind since you can find a wings place and a Waffle House on every corner.  And that 1 DQ didn’t carry the Tag-along brand of blizzard because “they aren’t very popular”.  I’m sorry, who just said that to me?  It was ridiculous that the Thin Mint or Samoa would be better in a blizzard than a tag-along…… I get back to Denver and within 24 hours, the Shadow has one on my desk.  That is service and quality that I expect from a city.  One that obviously that is something I can’t expect from Tampa Bay.  While I don’t know if Miami offers the tag-along, they can offer me a Cuban (sandwich or Cigar) and South Beach.

Shadow: Flowers……..Plumber……….Candygram.  How can you root against a team that plays in Landshark Stadium?  Go Dolphins.

[Editor Note: While that is a fantastic reference by the Shadow, no reader under the age of 30 is going to understand it – so let me just add  this]

Atlanta @ Carolina

SD: So, they aren’t in the same state – sue me. I can only work with what the NFL schedule makers gave me. But they are pretty close, especially when you factor in the Panther intentionally going with ‘Carolina’ rather than ‘North Carolina’ where they are actually located in the hopes of confusing South Carlinians into cheering for them as well. Which, given these are the people who believed that McCain had an illegitimate bi-racial daughter in 2000 and therefore inflicted 8 years of Dubya on us, is a reasonable assumption. Contrast this with the Falcons, who joined the league back in the days when the only reasonable name being the city where you are located (other than the greedy Patriots who preemptively claimed an entire region for themselves). It is almost a giant ‘F-you’ to the rest of Georgia. Basically saying, we don’t want your kind cheering for us. Judging by the number of empty seats at a typical Falcon game, this plan was a great success. But I like the elitism of going with the city name, so for that I am cheering on the Falcons in this one.

Turner: It annoys me that cities that generally have good weather have stadiums that are solely indoors.   For that reason, Atlanta needs to go down this week.  I use to hate them because of Vick but now I’ve moved on and can find other reasons and this week it is this one.  I like Jake Dehlomme (as my 5^th string starter in fantasy) so I hope they prevail.

Shadow: Seeing as it is Veteran’s Day, I will be rooting for the Air Force Fighting Falcons!  What?  Huh?  It’s the Atlanta Falcons?  Oh well, whatever.  Close enough.