The invite arrives in the mail and you can’t decide if you really want to attend. You tend to find these parties a little dull and full of people you either don’t particularly like or don’t know.

But you have two buddies that have agreed to attend and they talk you into joining them.

One of your pals, ‘Hawk’ doesn’t get out of the house much these days and is always thankful for any invite.

Your other buddy ‘Soo’ is more of a globetrotter; always hanging with the cool people at the coolest parties. You were even surprised he agreed to come to this party; you assumed he had better options available.

Arriving at the party it initially seems like most other parties: a big crowd right inside the door, noisy, mediocre food and drink options. After making it through the scrum at the entrance, you, Hawk and Soo head to the main room.

As soon as you make it in the main room, both Hawk and Soo notice a really cute girl in the corner. Nice smile, great body, seems friendly and approachable – she is a real trophy.

She also notices both of them and gives them a little smile. Hawk is definitely more interested in her than Soo, who appears as indifferent as a blackjack dealer at an Indian casino and seems to wish he were somewhere else. Maybe New Orleans, South Beach or L.A.

Around 8 or 9 pm, the party really gets going, Hawk starts talking to the trophy and she smiles and chats, but keeps looking over his shoulder at Soo. Soo still seems a little disinterested in the party as a whole, but he isn’t one to turn down a trophy like that and gives her a smile and wink back which makes her blush. It seems pretty obvious early that despite his lack of interest, the trophy has eyes for Soo.

The clock begins creeping closer to midnight and a strange thing occurs. The combination of Soo’s indifference and Hawk’s attention has started to have an impact on the trophy. Rather than fighting for the guy who seems to be almost insulted to be here with this group of people, she has really engaged with Hawk and they appear to really be getting along. They are beginning to look like they have known each other for ages. It really seems like there might be something serious brewing between them.

Distracted by all of the revelry – strange hook-ups, embarrassing drunken failures, people passing out right on top of you, you lose track of Hawk, Soo and the trophy.

As the countdown to twelve changes from minutes to seconds, you find Soo and the trophy cuddling in the corner while Hawk glares at them from across the room. How and when Soo swept in and took the trophy back you aren’t really sure – it is all a blur after hours of drinks – but it seems pretty apparent that after most of an evening acting resigned to a fate he didn’t want, he decided that he could at least get something out of it. Namely her.

As the clock strikes midnight, Soo and the trophy lock in a kiss that is slightly inappropriate for the public setting.

Hawk is out the door, heading home, before the first note of Auld Lang Syne is struck.

Today I feel like Ann Bowden.

To clarify, I have not become a Septuagenarian mother of several mediocre college football coaches overnight, though I am fighting a head cold so I can at least, sort of, relate.

For several years, Ann would forced to watch her husband Bobby’s FSU team take on son Tommy’s Clemson team in the ‘Bowden Bowl’. To show the inner-conflict that tore at her stomach like a large bowl of boiled peanuts, Ann would often wear a sweatshirt that was half Seminole-Garnet and half Clemson-Orange.

That is the Ann I can relate to.

Friday, I will be in Tempe with occasional THH cohorts Turner and Shadow to attend the Insight Bowl and watch their favorite schools against each other: Turner’s Oklahoma Sooners against Shadow’s Iowa Hawkeyes.

But as the man in the middle for which team should I cheer?

I asked Turner and Shadow to provide me some level of guidance like we had done for Shadow prior to the recent FSU/OU match-ups but as they are just beginning on a 14-hour odyssey across the desert southwest with 5 kids in a van (I’m flying – I ain’t no dummy), they didn’t get around to it, so it looks like it is all on me.

But it is Bowl season, so with a month to prepare I think I can come up with my own decision criteria.

Hometown: Iowa City vs. Norman

I have never been to Iowa City but hold an inherent grudge against any city that just steals the name of the state in which it is located. Without doing research, I assume Norman is named after the character from Cheers and I am always a fan of going where everyone knows your name.

OU: 1, Iowa: 0

Film Role: Hiding Out vs. Twister

Iowa was the dream college of high school student Annabeth Gish as she was pursued by stock broker on the run, Jon Cryer in Hiding Out. This really begs the question: which is more unbelievable about the 1980’s; that (1) Jon Cryer was hired to play a leading man or (2) it was perfectly acceptable (and totally not creepy) for a guy in his mid-20’s to fall in love with a high school girl.

On the other hand, OU’s football stadium had an un-credited role in the twister movie Twister. It is impossible to list all of the ridiculous things about the movie Twister so let us just point out that in Twister, Bill Paxton is like the most desirable man in the entire stateof Oklahoma and he is a weatherman.

Sure, Hiding Out if re-made today would be very, very different (look for the cameo by Chris Hansen at the 1:18 mark!) but it is still less ridiculous than Twister. I mean, seriously Bill Paxton??

OU: 1, Iowa: 1

Mascot: Herky the Hawk  vs. the Sooner Schooner

Herky is the plastic headed bird mascot that roams the Iowa sidelines. The Sooner Schooner is the horse-drawn covered wagon that rides out on to the field to celebrate Sooner touchdowns.

While I believe it is a strategic advantage to have a plastic head in case Herky ever gets in a fist-fight with Bucky the Badger or Sparty, I will go with the Schooner here. Essentially, the best I can tell the entire Hawkeye franchise was invented in the middle of the 20^th century for little rational reason. The Schooner goes back to the historical precedent of the settlers who rode their covered wagons to claim land in Oklahoma after poisoning the local native Americans with blankets covered in Smallpox.

Sure, that is not a period of American history that should be celebrated but at least there is some level of historical accuracy. Besides, if OU didn’t use the Schooner they would probably have a mascot made up of Red Solo cups.

OU: 2, Iowa: 1

Former Coach: Hayden Fry vs. Barry Switzer

Both of these schools had legendary coaches that led them to conference and national championships. Fry spent most of his career at Iowa overshadowed by more famous peers like Bo Schembechler or Earle Bruce. Switzer, on the other hand, led a perennial national power Oklahoma squad with equal parts swagger, athletic ability, booster cash and the world’s most enjoyable triple-option offensive attack. Sure, it was the dirtiest program west of Dade County (or at least west of Tuscaloosa) but they were fun to watch.

While only one of these coaches produced an autobiography that I read as a middle-schooler, I will go with Fry here. Do I have fond memories of Chuck Long and the Hawkeyes from my youth? No, honestly I don’t. But I do often get Fry confused with Hayden Fox from the TV show Coach and I have many fond memories of that show.

OU: 2, Iowa: 2

Tie Breaker: WWMMD?

It comes down to one final question: what would Megan Menzel do? Megan, who has recently taken over the Iowa women’s golf program, happens to be married one of my best friends. And she grew up in Oklahoma – hosting her wedding reception in OU’s football stadium (you probably don’t need to know all of this, but there it is). Who better to help decide which team to cheer on here than someone with experience with each program?

A quick text to Mr. Menzel and I received the following answer:

Iowa all the way. She hates OU.

So there you go. If a woman who enabled me to do the Heisman pose in front of Steve Owen’s Heisman trophy while wearing a tuxedo is against the Sooners, than so am I.

OU: 2, Iowa: 3

Fight! Fight! Fight! For IOWA!

Boston has had a tough couple weeks.

The Celtics have gone into a post-Kendrick Perkins-trade funk to rival George Clinton and major questions now rise whether they can shake off the malaise in time to break through in the playoffs.

The Red Sox have started out the baseball season slower than David Ortiz running to first base despite being the heavy pre-season favorite to make the World Series.

But, as always, ESPN is there for Boston fans. Just in time to brighten the eyes of the folks from the Back Bay to the North End, ESPN aired a special all about Tom Brady last night. Like a Fox News special about Sarah Palin, no one is going to call this show fair and balanced.

Ok, full disclosure, I didn’t actually watch this show – there were real sports on at the time – but it was impossible to not see that clip of him crying on draft day that ESPN showed endlessly during every program in the days leading up to it (I think even NASCAR Today found a way to sneak it in). Seeing that was enough to make me realize that I didn’t need to lose an hour of my life to get the thesis of the show.

Tom is great, and everyone that passed on him for other quarterbacks are fools.

Let’s ignore that going into the draft, the only thing that teams had to go on was a middling college career (sitting behind Brian Griese and being benched for Drew Henson) and unimpressive athleticism. With hindsight, he fell into the perfect situation and got lucky (would he have ever started if Bledsoe isn’t hit illegally out of bounds? No), any team should have seen that is how it would work out.

But we are here and therefore everyone that didn’t pick him is an idiot.

I can’t get too worked up about Tom’s tearful draft day fall into the 6^th round. Greater injustices happen all the time.

NFL teams willfully and repeatedly make the same mistakes. It seems like it is almost a conscious decision at this point, to not learn from past drafting mistakes and repeat them over and over again. But there is one mistake that is so obvious, that seems to never be corrected that continues to baffle me.

The overreliance on athletic measurables relative to college game performance.

While this is always true with quarterbacks, there is another area where it happens all the time as well: defensive line.

If Peter King is to be believed (and I always believe Peter King), we will likely see the mistake get played out yet again this season.

Adrian Clayborn was one of the most disruptive pass rushers in the Big Ten for 2 full seasons. After a dominating junior year (11 sacks), his senior year was quieter (4 sacks) as every team focused their game plan around stopping him.

Yet, it appears he will slip in the draft because he has a problem stemming from birth that weakens his upper body strength and keeping him from extending his right arm completely.

Forget his play on the field, his bench press reps (17) were lower than a defensive back.

If some of this sounds familiar to you, it is because it is. We have been down this road several times before about dominating collegiate defensive players who wouldn’t make it in the pros because they didn’t impress enough away from the football field.

Dwight Freeney was considered too small at only 6’1”to translate his record setting collegiate career to the pros. 6 Pro Bowls, 3 All Pros, Defensive Player of Year – I think he has done all right.

Elvis Dumervil was also considered too small, even smaller than Freeney, at 5’11”. Despite Freeney’s success, Dumervil fell all the way to the 4^th round being taken after future stars at defensive end like Darryl Tapp, Frostee Rucker and Jason Hatcher – who could be sitting in my house with me right now and I wouldn’t recognize. Dumervil led the league in sacks in 2009 and made the Pro Bowl.

Does all of this mean that Clayborn is guaranteed to turn into the next Freeney? No, of course not. But teams will instead draft someone like Robert Quinn who is such a reliable guy he didn’t even play last season after getting kicked off the team at North Carolina for dealings with an agent (and whose great season the year before looks rather suspect upon further analysis – see Stat of the Week).

Sure, the teams have no tape to watch from last fall (other than him attending the UNC/LSU game in Atlanta and cheering on his teammates from the stands) but he had a great workout this spring.

We look back all of the time and wonder how draft mistakes happen – whether it is the best pass rusher in the country or the best quarterback – yet, NFL teams willfully choose to make the same mistake over again.

10 years from now, it is doubtful that Adrian Clayborn will get his own special on ESPN (unless he ends up with the Patriots, Jets or Cowboys) but that won’t mean teams are any less wrong for drafting a player based on his bench press over a guy who just plays well on Saturdays.

This past week should have been the best week of football in the entire year, but due to a crazy work schedule, I have been uncharacteristically silent on all that transpired. Just think about all of the football we have seen since last weekend’s NFL games:

 - On Monday, TCU went out and choked under the bright lights and made fools of all of us lobbying that they were deserving of a BCS title shot (or at least a game against Florida to prove themselves). Instead they went out and were dominated by a Boise State defense that gave up 35 points to Louisiana Tech. We did however learn that Chris Petersen and his coaching staff may prepare their team for bowls better than any other coaching staff (see: 2007 Oklahoma Fiesta Bowl, sorry Turner).

- On Tuesday, I saw exactly one play of the Iowa/Georgia Tech game but I am happy that Shadow’s Hawkeyes were the one team all bowl season to defeat a triple-option oriented team. Apparently the Fall of the Shadow has bled into 2010.

- Wednesday night, some directional school from the MAC beat some other school, which actually makes this much like every other Wednesday. Yet another reason Wednesday might be the worst day of the week – it’s only redeeming quality being its Middle School-esque nickname of ‘Hump Day’.

- Thursday night, Alabama won a BCS title (not national title) deserving of an asterisk only slightly larger than the one on Barry Bonds’ home run totals.

- Friday, the Seahawks fired Jim Mora way too soon and ensured that their fan-base has years of disappointment and underachievement ahead of them being coached by Pete Carroll, a guy who won exactly one undisputed national title while coaching the college equivalent of the AFC Pro Bowl team for a decade.

And then as if to rub salt in the wound of work keeping me from enjoying all this great football action I awake this morning to a press release in my in-box announcing January as National Football Month. I don’t know what that means (other than that creepy middle-aged guy driving a 1970’s Camaro delivering pizzas on TV is trying to stage a coup to claim King of Football Food – taking it away from buffalo wings) but it just re-enforced how much work can get in the way of enjoying football. Damn you, employment.

All of this is a long way of pointing out that the NFL games this weekend sort of suck. After days and days of interesting football games (or so I was told) we are stuck with a slate of games that not even their own fan bases can get excited about – even if we hadn’t seen 3 of them all of 6 days ago.

So as a protest against these ugly games, we are boycotting the Hierarchy of Hate this weekend. If you need advice on who to cheer on – well, for one game (Bengals/Jets) just scroll down and read last week’s THH. For the other games, I advice cheering for games strictly based on potential match-ups later in the playoffs.

Cardinals vs. Packers? Obviously the prospect of a Favre / Packers re-rematch should be enticing enough to put you in green and yellow this weekend. For weeks, I have maintained that the poor Vikings fans have a devastating home loss to look forward to in the playoffs. Could it be even sweeter if that came at the hands of the Packers? Circle of Life my friends. That Elton John fellow knows a lot about the NFL for a gay Englishman.

Patriots vs. Ravens? Do I really need to stay anything more than 4^th and Two the Sequel:  No More Punts? Yes, if they beat the Ravens and then the Chargers and we could be looking at the Pats going back into Indy, this time with the AFC title on the game. Give me that over another one of those boring Steeler/Raven AFC title games any day.

As for Eagles/Cowboys – well, either team playing New Orleans would be interesting, so let’s agree to cheer for the Eagles just because it is so much fun to hear and joke about how the Cowboys and Tony Romo can’t win in the playoffs. I have already lost making fun of Tebow and Gary Danielson’s special relationship. Don’t take this away from me too.

In a week where I miss the best football of the year because of 15 hour work days, I need some sort of joy in my life.

Seventeen straight weeks is a long time to pick who to cheer on in random NFL match-ups. There are only so many times you can pick against Jacksonville just for the hell of it. As we reach the end of the season when even NFL teams are starting to rest their players, we here at the THH keep soldiering on, in the firm belief that our playoff performance will be directly impacted by taking a week or two off and losing that winning rhythm that got us this far.

However, like the adults at that party in the Ice Storm (Anyone? Anyone?) we want to mix things up a little this week. We didn’t put names in a fish bowl and draw out new partners for the evening, instead we look at the match-ups and come up with some game to determine who to cheer on. This week, I handed the reins to Turner to come up with the trivia/theme/game we need to pick winners. I will spare you the 27 message email chain needed for me to understand what we were being asked and instead let him explain.

Turner: As we head into this last week of 2009, there are a lot of things to look forward to in 2010.  First off, please let me just rejoice in the thrashing that the Ponies put on Nevada.  I had a bit of a tear in my eye during half-time as they kept saying “these are the ponies of the 80′s”.  Now I’m not sure exactly what that could mean, it was either 1) they were playing like top 5 team in the country or 2) they must be paying these guys because that is the only way that team has seemed to actually perform.  I’m going to continue focusing on #1 as it gives me something to already starting planning my days around next September (sooooo far away).   

The other good thing about this week is that OU plays on Thursday, thus if they suck as they have all year, I can attribute it to 2009 and still have fondness in looking forward to next year.  If you take this, plus the Broncos will be undefeated in January (because they sucked in 2009 and missed the playoffs), the Nuggets will rally and at least make the Western Conference Finals and the Avs might actually sneak into the playoffs, the outlook of the Denver / Oklahoma / SMU sports scene can only go up!  Oh and there is that FSU visit to Norman next fall. That alone makes 2010 (and 2011!) something to look forward to!!!!!! 

This is also my official send-off for Bobby Bowden (2-13 SCOREBOARD)….  I hope he wins especially since SD is spending his personal money to go to Jax to see the game. I can honestly say I will likely NEVER spend my own money to go to Jax.  It sure will be nice to see a full stadium in Jax, this and the UF/UGA game are the only times each year (unless Kenny Chesney plays a show there)….

 For this week’s THH we went with “pick the game based on alumni from SD (FSU), The Shadow (Univ. Northern Colorado / Iowa) and Turner (the OU).  As with last week there seemed to be a lot of confusion for SD on how to interpret a little research project into actually doing research or at least be good at playing 20 Questions. I sure loved that game but maybe SD should have spent more time playing that then focusing on Spin the Bottle with my wife in middle school and high school.

(NOTE from SD: This is untrue. I didn’t know Mrs. Turner in middle school)

 This week’s games are as follows: 

 Representing Turner:  The Football NY Giants @ Minnesota Vikings (THE Rhett Bomar / Allen Patrick vs. Adrian Peterson)

 Representing SD:  Cincinnati Bengals (Laveranues Coles) @ NY Jets (Leon Washington)

 Representing the Shadow: Washington Redskins (Ladell Betts) @ S.D. Chargers (Vincent Jackson / Nate Kaeding)

 **interesting note: each of these match-ups features back-up RBs from each our respective colleges.  That should have been an interesting addition to the research, it makes me happy that FSU players are relegated to back-up status as well

Shadow: I personally thought the Broncos would go 6-10 this year at best.  At the absolute best.  So why do I find myself pining for 9-7 and a playoff spot?  I think it was that deceptive 6-0 start.  It just completely through off my Broncolibrium ™, and got me to thinking thoughts I shouldn’t have thought to think or thought.  I guess I will be disappointed when they don’t make the playoffs, and that disappointment is heightened just like last year by losing games we had no business losing (Oakland at home two years in a row….WHAT THE F*CK).

 So in Part Deux of Super Dave’s attempt to prove to me and Turner how hard this whole “theme” picking stuff is, he is letting Turner take the reins, and predictably Turner stepped up to the plate and nailed the jay.  He got all the parts of a quality THH theme email correct:  deceptive wording (“vested interest”), red herrings (“New York Football Giants”…is he implying some connection to the “baseball” Giants?), and pointing out the obvious (“in our past”…as opposed to us all suddenly becoming Nostradamus).  Dave and I rattled around ideas for a couple hours…with Dave doing virtually all the heavy lifting, and finally nailed his theme, which was Alma-Mater weekend.  Of course, it only really works for Super Dave, who multiple actual players from his alma-mater playing in the NFL right now….but I guess that is beside the point.  Turner and I will be using our “Ersatz Mater” for this one.

Actual phrasing of Turner’s Hint: Each of us has a vested interest in one of the games based on our past.  You must pick the game based on that criteria.

The Turner Bowl : Giants (Rhett Bomar/Allen Patrick) @ Vikings (Adrian Peterson)

SD: I have decided to go with a theme within a theme this week. I call it the Crime and Punishment playoffs. While each match-up features alums of our schools it also (maybe not so coincidentally) includes players that ran into some sort of trouble with either the NCAA or the law while in school. Maybe it is my inner-outlaw rearing its ugly head, but I have decided for this week that I am pro-criminal. So, given that Bomar was banished from Norman to Sam Houston State for receiving a pay check from a booster for a job he didn’t actually do <insert joke from Turner about my own career here> while Adrian Peterson, despite being a better player and working for the same booster, was never found of any wrong doing. I believe if you do the crime, you should do the time, therefore I cheer for the player with the best name for a fictional movie quarterback west of Colt McCoy and the rest of the Giants.

Turner: Reliving the OU Legacy here,  Rhett “would you like that Corvette in Blue or Red” Bomar vs. ALL DAY.  The Bomar just won’t go away.  Allen Patrick (back-up running back) was the initial focus on the Giants for this one. It might have even caused the Giants to win this THH but just like in college, he is being overshadowed by the greasy used car salesman himself, Rhett.  Here is the chain of events that leads me to a Vikings victory here:  OU lands 5 Star Recruit Bomar (which has NEVER been successful at OU)……Bomar comes on campus as the Golden Child and is mediocre……. He decides to sell cars (ok, not sell cars but get paid for being employed by a car dealership w/o actually showing up)  <INSERT TURNER NOTE:WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT, This is what SD does every day>  He gets kicked off team, OU still goes to BCS game and runs into Boise State and hasn’t shown up in a big game yet.  So yes, Bomar cost my beloved Sooners at least 2 national championships and has cost the Giant at least one win this December. (41 points to Carolina at home??).  A.P. will be running ALL DAY in this one.

Shadow: The battle of the NFL Sooners.  AD-AP and Rhett Butler.  As much as I admire Rhett for holding down one of my dream jobs (getting paid for not really doing anything..kind of like being an Executive Director…I kid, I kid…stop filling out that pink slip Turner), I cannot resist giving the nod to AP who was nice enough to not put up 200 yards and 4 TD against Da Bears, thus preserving for me the championship of my office fantasy league.  It’s the Vikings in this one.

The Super Dave Bowl: Bengals (Lav Coles) @ Jets (Leon Washington)

SD: There are so many reasons to cheer for Lav over Leon, this one is as one-sided next year’s OU/FSU game will be. I knew Lav while at FSU. He was there during FSU’s glory days. Leon’s disappointing season and broken leg helped kill my fantasy team this season. The Broncos need the Bengals to win. The Jets are located in (or adjacent) to New York. Most importantly, Lav was kicked off the 1999 Noles for receiving a 90% discount at Dillard’s (among other offenses). As I said above, since I live the oulaw life, I feel a kinship with those who ran afoul of the law. Keep fighting the Man, Lav!

Turner: Again here, bright shining star with some “Trouble” (a.k.a. This was Coles Nickname).  It all started with him being born in Jacksonville (karma since SD is headed there and that is what he is going to be in after spending 4 hours at The Landing on Thursday night).  Question:  When does $412.38 worth of clothing only cost you $21.40?  Answer: When you and Peter Warrick (currently playing for the Bloomington Extreme – wow) are shopping at Dillards. I actually don’t necessarily fault these guys for this b/c with the education level in Tallahassee, the sales clerk probably added up the numbers incorrectly.  I guess Free Shoes just wasn’t enough.

In addition to this let’s focus on the rest of his life in the 90′s: Coles was arrested in 1998 for batter, suspended for the Seminoles’ 99 Season Opener against Louisiana Tech for academic reasons, and discovered to have accepted a plane ticket from a sport agent representative in 1999

 All of this is contrasted with good ol’ Leon.  The interesting thing here is that Leon is also from Jacksonville.  Maybe SD could take a “let me see where these guys grew up” tour after the FSU game (think he’d make it 5 minutes – I’d say HELL NO)…. the only thing in Leon’s past was that he apparently gave an obscene gesture for his Bowman’s rookie card (since removed – I’m sure it wasn’t an obscene gesture but more giving the classic “J” sign that is ingrained in all of us from Jax)

 With all of this, it think it is safe to say that the J-E-T-S will win this one, but only if they survive.  Only hope the Bengals have is to maybe distract them with Lav’s cubic zirconium that he purchased for $1.99.  Good thing they are playing in NY where I’m sure he can also get a Rolex off the street. 

 (oh – and with this THH win, the Broncos are officially eliminated from the playoff, yet another reason to hate FSU)

Shadow: Wow, both New York teams this week…who knew Turner was a member of the supposed East Coast media bias.  This one is for Bobby Bowden’s lads, of which, sadly, there will be no more.  I think it is fairly safe to say that there will never be any more coaches in the future with the legacy of a Bobby Bowden, as our 24/7 full-access media bloated society will likely never allow a coach to spend 30 some odd years at one school.  And that, my friends, is sad.  So we have Laverneous versus Leon.  Call me old-school, but I tend to prefer runners over receivers.  Someday soon Leon will be teaming with Shonn Greene and Mark Sanchez to create a formidable backfield for the Jets.  Of course, they will probably still underachieve enough to make Greenie lament their woes each morning on ESPN Radio.  But, here and now, they still get my pick.

The Shadow Bowl: Redskins (Ladell Betts) @ Chargers (Nate Kaeding/Vincent Jackson)

SD: When I initially decided to go with the Law & Order theme for my personal THH entries this week, I asked the Shadow if any of the involved Northern Colorado or Iowa players had ever faced legal or compliance issues. He responded: The only thing illegal happening in Greeley were bad pick-up lines.  And no Hawkeye football player would ever dare to get into legal issues….that is what the basketball team is for.

While this may be true specifically for these players apparently Shadow forgot that every program runs into legal problems. Some worse than others. For example, there once was a school where the back-up punter was so desperate to start, that he decided the best way to win the job was not out-kicking the starter but rather stabbing him in the leg (Bronco fans recognize this as the same approach used by Mitch Berger this season). That school? Shadow’s alma mater – UNC of course! So in honor of Mitch Cozad I am going with fellow UNC alum Vince Jackson and the San Diego Chargers (sorry, UNC alum and Redskin Reed Doughty, I am playing by Turner’s rules this week).

Turner: I’m a big fan of Vincent Jackson (a.k.a Wild Child).  I can count the number of NFL Players from Colorado on one hand and Vincent leads the pack.  He is a stud and should be recognized as such.  Nate Kaeding (“Big Game Nate” and “Mr. Automatic” (Do you lose your nickname if you miss 4 straight FGS in the playoffs???) has a few interesting notes about him, he is only at S.D. because of the whole Eli Manning / Phillip Rivers trade.  Quite possibly if that hadn’t happened then the Giants would have never won that Super Bowl (but I guess then the Patriots might have – ugg) and that would just enhance everything about the origin of the THH philosophy around the hatred of NorthEast Sports Teams. Ladell Betts has nothing on him either, he is from Kansas City, he is from a single mom household who worked three jobs to keep Ladell fed.  That is a great story.  I really have no reason to pick against any of these players so this one went to OT and ended in a tie.  Yes, there is a possibility of ties in THH when you either hate both teams equally or you really don’t hate either one at all based on the criteria. 

Shadow: This one had to be the most difficult game for Turner to find, since there aren’t exactly a ton of former Hawkeyes in the ranks of the NFL.  He chose well.  Ladell Betts versus Nate Kaeding.  My favorite thing about Ladell?  In 2000, every yard the Hawkeyes gained rushing was by Betts.  I am not sure if that says more about consistency, or about really unimaginative play calling by the Iowa staff.  In the NFL he has never really gotten a chance to be the full time starter for any length of time, and has to be simply considered “serviceable”.  Kaeding, on the other hand, is Iowa’s all time leading scorer, and is now an All-Pro kicker in the NFL (despite missing some key FG’s in playoff games).  I am going with the kicker in this one, plus San Diego has also been friendlier to the Hawkeyes over the years (Kevin Kasper, Tim Dwight, Scott Chandler, Mike Goff, Ronnie Harmon).  Go Bolts!

Sunday afternoon, sitting through my 16^th hour of watching football in the Mandalay Bay sportsbook my throat started to get scratchy. I wasn’t sure if I was feeling the onset of swine flu, a minor cold or the aftereffects of sleeping 5 hours a night and inhaling approximately 4,279 cigarettes worth of second hand smoke since arriving on Friday.

After a rest day on Monday, I awoke yesterday and still felt like I had been beaten about the head all weekend by Manny Pacquiao. No matter what the biological reason for this feeling – it can only be known as one thing – the Vegas Flu.

As a wise woman once said – back to life, back to reality. It is hard to come back from Vegas. After spending roughly 60 straight hours focused solely on either making money or not losing any more money while never once actually seeing the daylight, coming back to work can be a serious letdown.

As Shadow said in an email yesterday: “I miss Vegas. And Manute Bol is still F*ing purple” (an inside joke and what I am absolutely getting Bill Simmons to sign in my copy of The Book of Basketball on Friday). Add in the aftereffects of no sleep, a horrendous diet, too much alcohol and the steady stream of second-hand smoke and you invariably feel wiped out physically and mentally.

 But that doesn’t mean I didn’t have a blast while there. Therefore below I present the highlights of our trip to Vegas. Turner and Shadow can add anything I may have missed as when I went back last night to find some of the notes I scribbled on a hotel notepad I couldn’t find them.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a trip to Vegas if you didn’t have at least one casualty. On to The Hierarchy of Hate Vegas Road Trip – Fall ’09 edition.

As a frequent flyer I have many pet peeves related to travel – for example: people getting on planes and bringing absolutely nothing to do (You know for a fact you are sitting in a chair for the next two hours, a portion of which you can’t even use electronics, and you bring nothing to do? That is quite a monument to your lack of intelligence and foresight – spend 50 cents and buy a paper!) – but flying to Vegas is a unique experience. Is there any other flight more full of people with limited flying experience than a trip to Vegas? Ok, maybe a flight to Orlando but that is it. All of this is a long way of saying that when the guys sitting next to Turner and I showed up in matching Hawaiian shirts, we shouldn’t have been surprised.

Our trip started on Friday with lunch at Tacos and Tequila where we learned that ‘no two tacos are the same’. It was then followed by our blackjack dealer Kathleen telling us that one of her rules of play is to ‘whack it till it’s hard’. Let’s just say that Vegas has never met a double-entendre it didn’t like.

Speaking of Kathleen, if you ever wondered what Turner is like to gamble with, I will just say this. After Turner lost his stack to Kathleen and wandered off, she actually asked Shadow and I to buy him dinner. Yes, a Vegas dealer was concerned about Turner after she took his money. This either speaks to his incredible charm or devastation upon losing money. I will leave it to you to decide which.

Kathleen also asked us if we knew about the strippermobile. Umm…no we do not, can you elaborate? Apparently there was a story running around town about a truck like vehicle with a see-through back that enclosed two strippers – acting as an ad for a strip joint. Upon coming home, one quick Google search confirmed the story. Which begs the question – how does the club staff the truck? Do they pick their 2 best looking women? If so, are the women happy to miss out on an evening’s tips? Do people show up disappointed by the other ladies? So many questions.

During our last trip to Vegas, whenever I was in a cold streak of hands I would change up my bet – so if at a $10 table, I would throw $15 or $20 for a hand or two to change the momentum. This trip we christened this move the Sproles – after back-up Chargers running back Darren Sproles. This had lots of benefits as we could confidently announce “I’m going Sproles”, to the delight of the other two and the confusion of everyone else at the table. There are also the variations. A move to a $25 chip became the Jacob Hester. When I went to an almost exclusive $15 betting strategy at a $10 table, I told Turner I had ‘benched LT’. If this can become a standard phrase and philosophy I consider my work here done.

On second thought though maybe we should have labeled this the Chester Taylor. Then when we leave a table where we are doing poorly and try our luck at a new table we could say we are pulling a Favre.

Friday night we walked over to the MGM Grand to watch the Nuggets / Lakers game (which required crossing a pedestrian bridge over the strip). I am 94% convinced Shadow only wanted to go to MGM Grand to try and catch sight of the strippermobile while walking over the Strip.

We then went up the road to the Hooters casino. I like to believe we did this only as a sociological experiment. Hooters is like….well a Hooters with gambling tables. It is fascinating to see the demographic change from Mandalay and MGM Grand to Hooters. We went from a combination of moneyed older folks, a smattering of tourists and LA club kids to a fraternity house.

At Hooters, Shadow and sat at a single deck blackjack table where our dealer was named Ashli – yes with an I.  I put the over/under on the chance she dots that I with a heart at 100%. I would take the over.

The majority of the weekend was spent losing money in the sportsbook. This was our first time trying to watch a whole slate of games at a sportsbook and I would like to make a suggestion for any virgins planning a Vegas football weekend. Trying to watch approximately 10 games is overwhelming. Pick one game and focus on it. Only change your attention during commercials. Trying to track all of the actions on all the screens will leave you not seeing any of it.

It wouldn’t be a post without my, at least briefly, discussing FSU. They were an early game on Saturday (starting at an ungodly 9 am Vegas time) and on Friday I couldn’t tell Turner and Shadow enough that picking Wake to beat FSU was a lock on par with my correct pick of Nuggets over Lakers. I mean – the pathetic FSU defense and a freshman QB getting his first start on the road versus a team that had beaten FSU three straight years? It was a gimme right? Oh well, I have never been happier to be completely wrong about a game. Maybe it takes me laying money against FSU for them to come through. If this is true, I should get back to Vegas to put some money on the Gators before the FSU/UF game in a couple weeks. Anyone want to donate to the cause?

Speaking of UF, my other highlight of Saturday was cheering and betting against them. Although after South Carolina came out with the core values of the military in place of names and a small section of camo on their jerseys  in honor of Veteran’s Day – how could anyone cheer against them? Why doesn’t Fox News get on this – spend a little less time worried about where Obama was born because there is nothing more unpatriotic than cheering for UF.

While I was enjoying winning money against UF, Shadow was dying a slow death for the Iowa/ Ohio State Rose Bowl playoff game. To get so close with an untested freshman QB in the Shoe was a great testament to Iowa. Though that didn’t stop Shadow from taking a little walkabout after the disappointing OT was completed. I can’t blame him. My team had won and even I was going cross-eyed after watching all of those screens for at least eight hours. Losing money the whole time.

But whenever we started feeling guilty about the money we were losing we only had to remember the kid that dropped $4000 at a blackjack table and another guy who stood in front of Turner dropped $5000 on the Broncos.

If I have the Vegas Flu this week, those guys must have the Vegas Plague.