This is the end. My only friend, the end

-The Doors

And so another season of football comes to an end. And with it another season of The Hierarchy of Hate.

At least until Euro 2012 when we get a chance to spend two weeks mocking Poland (FINALLY).

It has truly been an uninspiring season for THH. Missing weeks. Missing participants (I’m pretty sure Turner spent the NFL season on the island from Lost as he just showed up at my door with a straggly beard muttering ‘we have to go back’ over and over). I blame myself as much as anyone as I have slacked and been distracted and struggled to muster the energy to focus on THH at times

 But today that all ends. Today, we redeem. Not for just ourselves. But for our children; and our children’s children; and for America itself.

 America is the greatest country on Earth because we are free to declare who we hate and who we hate just slightly less at the top of our lungs anywhere at any time. Because we come together to celebrate a 4-hour game whose most inspired moments will be bought and paid for by the world’s largest corporations, willing to waste $3million to tell us what we should waste our money on, so that we can fall further in debt and China can claim a larger portion of our souls.

But today we tell the Chinese that we are still here. They don’t own us yet.

 Today we fight! Today we band together, smear paint on our faces, let out a primal scream and go running down that hill with make-shift swords and trash-can shields waving above our heads into the teeth of the invading Chinese army!

WHO IS WITH ME!!!!

On to an annual rite of passage more meaningful and entertaining than either the Pro Bowl or National Signing Day – the THH Super Bowl Extravaganza.

For anyone living south of the New Jersey state line, you most likely cheer for neither of these teams. So, who to sort-of, kind-of cheer in between bites of dip and sips of beer? That is why we are here.

Just take our simple quiz, tally the points and you will know which side you are on.

Shadow: I turned 40 last month.  I will completely blame my lack of THH performance on a mid-life crisis.  While I appreciate Dave’s “homemade” Braveheart charge against the Chinese, I will choose to characterize my stand as a rag-tag band of teenagers launching sneak attacks against the Chinese from the mountain passes of Colorado, all the while yelling (and/or spray painting) “Wolverines!”….which might appear to seem like I will be on the side of ex-Wolverine Tommy Brady….but let’s just wait and see what the Hierarchy of Hate says….after all, that is what it was invented for.  And dammit….now that I read farther into the categories, I see my homage to Red Dawn has already been nicked by SuperDave right down to the use of the adjective ‘rag-tag’.  Screw it…I am too lazy to re-write this.

Turner: I just can’t wait for Sunday, everything other than the football game will make for a fantastic afternoon.  Queso, hotdogs, beer, gambling and a bottle of gas-x and all will be right before I settle in at 4:30 MT to take a nap.  That is what I’m looking forward to on Sunday as my worst THH nightmare arose.  Two Northeast teams, both very hated, obnoxious fan bases, all this hype of the rematch, Brady getting to as many Superbowl as John “Tebow” Elway.  It is going to be a very long pre-game, the only hope is that the smells coming from various partners of mine will be there will be enough to knock me out before the 45^th replay of David Tyree’s catch.  The only other good thing is SuperDave gave us categories by which to judge this game, without those, I’d just be putting two chopstix in my eyes to avoid the pain of subjecting myself to the “G-Men” and watching the Brady hair flow….

Super Bowl: Patriots vs. Giants 

(All picks are Patriots first, Giants second – point for whichever answer you choose)

#1 – Better original location to steal name from: England vs York

SD: It is so typical of New England fans. A single state or city isn’t enough to claim, rather they need an entire region named after an entire nation. So desperate are they to represent a large chunk of land you can’t help but wonder if they are compensating for something else that is particularly small. New Yorkers, never known to be shy and humble, took the name of a village of 202,400. I can appreciate that much more than a bunch of micro-phallused Bostonians any day.

Patriots 0, Giants 1

Shadow: They say that imitation is the highest form of flattery, or flatulence, I forget.  But slapping a ‘New’ in front of the name of the country we bailed from over 200 years ago is just plain lazy and unoriginal.  On the other hand, I love me some peppermint patties. 

Pats 0, Giants 1

Turner: I’m going to have to go with England. If you are going to steal, steal a countries name, not a city or whatever York is.  As a proud American, I’m proud we not only stole our freedom from England but we put “new” in front of it and claimed it as ours. USA! USA! USA!

Patriots 1, Giants 0

#2 – Coach you would rather have leading a rag-tag bunch of civilians against an invading Chinese army (Red Dawn style): Belichick vs Coughlin

SD:  Because, make no mistake, if the Mayan apocalypse doesn’t occur, the Chinese will be parachuting into small Colorado towns before the next Super Bowl. Now is the time to prepare, man. While Coughlin’s penchant for military precision – 5 minutes early is late in his world – would be a benefit to maintain discipline among the survivors, it pales in comparison to Belichick’s willingness to move players into positions they aren’t accustomed to. Adapt or die Tom. You were impressed when Bill convinced Troy Brown and Julian Edelman to play defense; just wait until he trains my cat to use a flamethrower.

Patriots 1, Giants 1

Shadow: This is a little like choosing whether I would like to be led by an overbearing father, or a ‘stuck in the past’ psycho grandpa.  I am pretty sure that Belichick would successfully video tape the Chinese practicing their battle plan, and thus lead us to victory.  Coughlin would walk out on us since we all showed up to the rendezvous on time, instead of 10 minutes early. 

Pats 1, Giants 1

Turner: Not even close: Belichick.  Why – because he would be wearing a cut-off hoodie to blend in.  The key word here is “rag-tag civilians” as that is what he looks like and could blend into his people.

Patriots 2, Giants 0

#3 – Former NFL head coach now in Assistant coach role that is more likely to strangle his head coach late one night with the cord from a headset in an attempt to steal head coaching job: Josh McDaniels vs Kevin Gilbride

SD: I harbor a significant level of distrust for anyone that is willingly photographed wearing a moustache if they aren’t at the same time doing unspeakable things to Barely Legal Asian twins , so Gilbride warrants close surveillance but there isn’t a doubt in my mind that McDaniels would garrote Bill Belichick, Robert Kraft, Tom Brady and Denis Leary and then piss on Paul Revere’s grave before sitting back down and calmly finishing his clam chowder if it meant another chance at being a head coach.

Patriots 2, Giants 1

Shadow: Gilbride.  McDaniels ‘choking’ days are over after his unsuccessful flops in Denver and St Louis. 

Pats 1, Giants 2

Turner: Has to be Kevin Gilbride… the reason for this is Josh McDaniels is too much of a pansy to actually even attempt this because he know his puny little butt would get annihilated by the “chick”.  He isn’t man enough to even try.

Patriots 2, Giants 1

#4 – Back-up Quarterback secretly thinking that the team would be better with him playing: Ryan Mallett vs David Carr

SD: David Carr was the savior of Houston after being drafted #1 overall by the new Texans. That went about as well as Sam Houston’s attempt to save the Alamo. If there is anyone more than content to stand on the sideline and collect paychecks, it is the guy that owns the NFL record for being sacked the most in a single season. Ryan Mallett has heard how great he is since before he left high school. He doesn’t think he is better than Tom Brady. He KNOWS it. And, to answer the unspoken question in your mind: yes, he probably is on drugs.

Patriots 3, Giants 1

Shadow: Write-in Vote:  Tim Tebow.  We couldn’t have a season ending THH without mentioning Timmy.  WTF?  He is in a question farther down?  Curse you SuperDave! 

Pats 1, Giants 2

Turner: By default, it has to be Ryan Mallett.  Again, he is young and from Arkansas, so he might just be stupid enough to think he is better than Brady. It is not good when your IQ is less than Brady’s jersey number.  David Carr has learned his lesson, he just wants to collect the paycheck and wear the baseball hat to collect the ring, he knows that is the path to glory.

Patriots 3, Giants 1

#5 – Player more likely to spend his off-season writing dense mid-century French Philosophy: Zoltan Mesko vs Jason Pierre Paul

SD: If Zoltan Mesko doesn’t spend his off-season sipping café crème in a tiny café just off the Boulevard St. Germain wearing a black turtleneck and discussing the bourgeois undertones of Jean Paul Sartre’s late career work I will be devastated.

Patriots 4, Giants 1

Shadow: Zoltan will be a little too busy stuck inside that glass box and giving out prophecies/granting wishes to do any philosophizing.  Quick tangent:  since they are remaking the entire 1980’s, who would be the top contender to play Tom Hank’s role in a re-imagination of the classic comedy, Big!?  My money is on Jason Segel.  And before we get any angry writers commenting on the blog or Twitter about it…yes, I realize it is Zoltar…a little poetic license please.   Anyhoo…..if you need some French philosophy, you will need to turn to Jason Pierre Paul. 

Pats 1, Giants 3

Turner: Zoltan the Great.  To be a French writer you have to have the full name, not just a random French name in between two true American names.  If he had gone with Jaque’ Pierre La’Paul, then I’ll have gone the other way.  Additing apostrophes always gets you the French nod.

Patriots 4, Giants 1

#6 – If the best friend/sidekick of the leading man were named one of these, which movie would you rather see: Julian Edelman vs Chase Blackburn

SD: I love a good Judd Apatow comedy as much as the next guy and I am sure Julian Edelman (played by Jay Baruchel) would be great using an elaborate analogy involving masturbation and the barely legal Asian twin porno he watched last night to convince Seth Rogen that he is good enough to get the girl. But it is nothing compared to when Chase Blackburn and Jason Statham blow up that shipment of stolen Chinese arms at the port of Los Angeles that thwarts the planned invasion.

Patriots 4, Giants 2

Shadow: It is obvious that the leading man in movie number 1 is Jude Law and am pretty sure Merchant Ivory is the studio doing it, whereas the Chase Blackburn character is alongside Stone Cold Steve Austin in some straight to video dreck, probably entitled, ‘Hunt to Kill IV:  The Killing Hunters’.  Shadow 3:16 says Stone Cold just kicked Jude’s ass. 

Pats 1, Giants 4

Turner: You can’t have a wingman with a name of Julian, people would automatically accuse him of having a sex change and forgetting to change his name.  Chase Blackburn is a solid wingman name, something I would equate to John Turner.

Patriots 4, Giants 2

#7 – Name more aligned with your general attitude toward life: Kyle Love vs Bear Pasco

SD: Speaking of elaborate analogies, there is probably something here to be equate this question to the coming Presidential election (with the double meaning of ‘Bear’ adding delicious irony for the Republicans), but I won’t go there. I am a peacenik, tree-hugging liberal at heart, so give me Love all day. Particularly if barely legal Asian twins are involved.

Patriots 5, Giants 2

Shadow: Interesting that in an article about Hate, on a blog built on healthy doses of hate, that ‘Love’ is one of the choices here.  Do we really expect that any of the three of us align with ‘love’ as our general attitude towards life?  Well, that big softie Turner might.  Okay, fine.  Me too.  All you need is love.  Peace. 

Pats 2, Giants 4

Turner: If the Shadow answers anything other than the “Bear”, then he is fibbing.  I’ve seen how hairy he is.  I too will have to go with Bear Pasco. Primarily because I love to sleep and hibernating for 7 months and then gorging myself for the remaining months just seems so appealing.

Patriots 4, Giants 3

#8 – Super Bowl week storyline you most want to see: Rob Gronkowski declared out from game with multiple venereal diseases caught at Indy-area strip club vs Prince Amukamara declared out from game after being granted the monarchy of a small African country

SD: Gronk’s mid-season revelation that he spends his free time with porn stars (though NOT barely legal Asian twins, sadly), just reinforces every indication that he is just a meat head (as if the goofy face, crewcut and hard-nosed playing style weren’t enough of a hint). If I were selling the Amukamara scenario in Hollywood I would use the phrase: “It’s Coming To America meets The Princess Diaries” and spend the rest of the day rolling in my piles of cash like Scrooge McDuck. I don’t just want this to happen, I need this to happen.

Patriots 5, Giants 3

Shadow: Such great choices…..but just so I could see the back cover of the New York Post declare, “GROIN-K-OWWWWWW-SKI”, I am going to have to go with Rob here. 

Pats 3, Giants 4

Turner: Would love to see the Gronk get diagnosed with St. Elmo’s Fire.  He would combine so many diseases to actually genetically create a new one.  Prince wouldn’t really be a story because he opened a bad email and sent $1,000,000 for the monarchy only to learn it was a scam.  He is from Nebraska, he is a bit naive. 

Patriots 5, Giants 3

#9 – Last name that sounds more like a planet from the Star Wars series: Ihedigbo vs Trattou

SD: I am actually 93% sure Trattou was a planet in the Star Wars series. Probably in Episode 2, which is why none of us remember it.

Patriots 5, Giants 4

Shadow: I will admit to watching part of the Oprah interview with George Lucas the other week….what can I say, I’m a big Star Wars fan….and he said he literally has multiple notebooks filled with nothing other than made up names that he may need to use some time.  I respect that.  It is hard to make up a name that sounds both good and plausible.  I think Ihedigbo just doesn’t roll off the tongue nicely enough to be a planet in the Star Wars Universe, so Trattou will take its place alongside Hoth, Alderran, Dagobah, Tatooine, Naboo, Krysshk, Geonosis, etc, etc. 

Pats 3, Giants 5

Turner: Trattou – why?  I have no idea other than I feel bad the Giants are getting their asses kicked in this THH so I give them a sympathy vote.

Patriots 5, Giants 4

#10 – Who does Tim Tebow want to win: Patriots vs Giants

SD: This question was added as I am obligated to mention Tebow as part of my 2012 Denver city taxes. Anyone that has ever read the Old Testament (or, at least, read a blog summarizing the Old Testament), recognizes the phrase ‘vengeful God’. Would God cheer for someone that is everything he isn’t (accurate passer, successful in pro-style offenses, swimming in a never ending Chocolate fountain of gorgeous women)? No, of course not.

Patriots 5, Giants 5

Shadow: Several teams made Tim Tebow look Super Human this year.  And then there was one team that made him look like Clark Kent in an Alaskan diner after giving up his ‘powers’ so he could be with Lois Lane in Superman II.  Not only once……but twice.  I just can’t see Timmy rooting for the Patriots. 

Pats 3, Giants 6

Turner:  Patriots…. Tom Brady looks a lot more like Riley Cooper than Eli Manning does.

Patriots 6, Giants 4

TIEBREAKER: Quarterback that Peyton Manning is actually hoping wins another Super Bowl: Brady vs Manning

SD: The Brady & Peyton comparison as this generation’s Montana & Marino is so trite and cliché the only people still writing it probably work for Bleacher Report. Or are named Woody Paige. That was locked in conventional wisdom hell 5 years ago. Much like his freaky long neck, Peyton has grown to learn to live and be comfortable with it. However no one ever said, “You know, Marino’s younger brother might be better than him.” Someone once did say that about Michael Vick and he was so insulted he had his brother raped and killed by a Pit Bull. Peyton has no desire to become the Marcus Vick of the Manning family.

Peyton may be outwardly cheering for Eli but deep in places he pretends doesn’t exist, he will be desperately hoping Brady puts the smack down.

And, apparently, so will I.

Patriots 6, Giants 5

Shadow: It’s not needed, but I will answer anyway.  I honestly believe that at the end of the day, all sibling rivalry is set aside anytime a Manning is in a big game, and that whole family pulls whole-heartedly for each other. 

Pats 3, Giants 7

So, it’s basically a blow out for the Giants…and honestly, I would love to see the same thing Sunday, after I have relieved the wallets of Turner and SuperDave of some of their hard earned cash at various games of chance and skill.

Turner: Everyone who says Manning is flat out an idiot.  You never want your younger brother to win more than  you do.  People who say he roots for “blood” is taking it all wrong, he wants to see blood come out of Eli’s mouth as Vince Wolfolk sits on him. 

 That is it folks, the Patriots are going to dominate!!  7-4 with the tiebreak!  Long Live the Queen Brady!

After an epic wildcard weekend when an improbable performance led to a week of accolades and praise, a massive failure in the divisional round has again raised questions as to whether he should really even be trying to earn a living doing this.

Never have I felt closer to Tim Tebow than I do now.

He had that 29-23 OT win against the Steelers. I had going 7 of 8 on first half and full game picks against the spread. We were on top of the world. Entire SportsCenter episodes were devoted to some or all of our exploits. After years of facing doubters, we were finally proving we belong.

Until the damn Patriots came along.

Tim’s season ended after an abysmal, embarrassing 45-10 loss in New England. I finished the weekend having gotten 2 of 8 picks right – which means my picks were just slightly more accurate than Tim’s passes.

However while Tim will head off to the Philippines to circumcise children –which we really hope he completes with a much higher accuracy than his passing – I battle on and turn my attention to the AFC and NFC title games.

Can I salvage my overall 9-7 record and successfully return to the land of riches and showgirls?

Will we see a re-match of Super Bowl XLII?

Will the Harbaugh brothers face each other in a Super Bowl that sets a record for ‘Most reporters beating tired storyline into ground before end of first week’ after narrowly edging out T.O.’s ankle in 2005 and Patriots pursuit of 19-0 in 2008?

Will Alex Smith and Joe Flacco makes us all pine for a Brad Johnson / Rich Gannon Super Bowl?

What percentage of Green Bay’s population dies of a broken cholesterol-clogged heart in the next year?

I can’t answer all of these questions. Ok, I can’t answer any.

But I can make more picks that have a 56% chance of being correct!

AFC Championship – Ravens @ Patriots

Halftime: Patriots (-4.5)

Full Game: Patriots (-7.5)

This past Thursday would have been Edgar Allan Poe’s 203^rd birthday. In an odd tradition a mystery man would show up every year and place 2 roses and a half-full bottle of cognac on the Baltimore area grave of the author of The Raven, inspiration for the team’s name. In an even odder tradition, people started showing up each year to watch a mystery man show up and place 2 roses and a half-full bottle of cognac on the author’s Baltimore area grave. While I think this says a lot about the entertainment options in the greater Baltimore area, I have to admit, there is a history/mystery geek buried in me that loves this tradition so, so much.

Sadly, for the 3^rd year in a row the Poe Toaster did not show up and the annual vigil is being abandoned. Sad as the end of this tradition is, it is equally sad to me that this may be the end of the greatest nickname east of AK-47, Andrei Kirilenko.

So what does this have to do with the Patriots, Ravens game? Nothing. And everything. On a weekend after the Poe Toaster vanishes for good, will the Ravens be able to play effectively with heavy hearts? Will this be a reminder to Ray Lewis of his less than glorious past (driven crazy by the endless thumping of the tell-tale heart)? Will Joe Flacco be able to set aside his recent troubles and play well or will he be responsible for the Fall of the House of Usher….err the House of Bischiotti?

The Ravens have played the Pats well in the past, but the Patriots seem to be on a mission this year. Flacco has not progressed during his time in the league and the team has yet to find receivers to pick up the slack.

In the end, I think the tone of his game will be set early. The Pats will either come out and dominate from the start (see: last week) or they will struggle and let the visitors stay close the whole game. This is one game where the halftime pick must be the same as the full game.

I think the Patriots dominate the Ravens like Bill Belichick attacking the sleeves of a hoodie. Take the Pats in both the first half and for the whole game.

In the end, like the Poe Toaster, the Ravens shall be nevermore.

NY Giants @ Forty-Niners

Halftime: Forty-Niners (-.5)

Full Game: Forty-Niners (-2.5)

An NFC Championship game played in Candlestick Park on the edge of the San Francisco bay. It is enough to make an old heart warm with nostalgia. Or angina from all that wine and cheese. However this game is so opposite of games we have seen in the past.

Eli Manning is now the quarterback of a high powered passing attack. Yes, this man.

The Forty-Niners, once the underground laboratory for the mad-scientist of the West Coast offense revolution, relies on powerful defense and staunch running game to win.

When these teams met in the late 80’s it was the Giants running the ball and using a powerful defense, with a freak at linebacker, to slow down the meticulous 49er offense. Now the gameplans are reversed.

In the end, the Niners have already faced a better offense and prevailed. The Giants surprised a rusty, out-of-rhythm Packers offense last week that hadn’t played in nearly a month. The Niners shut down an offense that had scored 45 the week before.

A home field advantage of fans desperate for a return to championship performance brings out the best of the Niners in this one. The defense slows the Giants offense and the 49er offense slowly grinds down the Giants defense.

Take the Giants in the first half (say one long Victor Cruz touchdown, puts them in the front or keeps it tied). But the Niners find a way after halftime, Vernon Davis gashes the Giants secondary and the 49ers win, cover and head back to the Super Bowl.

In a battle for the ages, the Super Bowl pits the closest thing to a dynasty we have seen this millennium against the franchise that defined the word dynasty in the 80s.

No pre-amble today, as I am going to the Heat/Nuggets game tonight and want to save my wittiest insults for the Whore of Akron. Brewing up something about his mother and the 4th quarter. I’m sure it will be GOLD. Let’s get right to the picks.

We’ve picked the Saturday games, so time to move on to the Sunday games.

Houston @ Baltimore

Halftime: Baltimore (-4.5)

Full Game: Baltimore (-8)

By far the least interesting match-up of the weekend. It isn’t even close. This is the John Mayer of NFL Divisional playoff games. Some beautiful women will find it inexplicably attractive. I find it dull and struggle to see the attraction.

A rookie quarterback on the road. A stout, but older defense. An elite home playoff team with the most questionable quarterback since Rex Grossmann took a team to the Super Bowl. This game could end up 13-7 or 28-3 or 31-28. I have no feeling for it and after it ends will wake up from my nap say ‘huh’ and go take a shower.

But I do know this: every year one decent team uses momentum from Wild Card weekend to come in and jump on a home team struggling to find its rhythm after a week off. The Jets last year. The Cardinals at Panthers a couple years ago. The Ravens at Titans the same year. The Texans looked so stout at home last week, it is easy to envision Arian Foster running right past the Ravens. On the other side of the ball, is the Ravens offense really that much better than the Bengals? If the Texans can slow down Ray Rice, would anyone in Maryland be willing to bet a crab cake on Joe Flacco leading the team to a playoff win through the air?

But this still requires TJ Yates to play well on the road and ignore the vaguely homoerotic Ball So Hard slogan of Terrell Slugs. And let’s not forget Arian Foster is still a young guy that went undrafted out of college. Haloti Ngata eats those guys for breakfast.

Literally. He calls it his ‘Captain Cook’-ie Crisp cereal.

Texans come out swinging and the Ravens come out sluggish, take the Texans and points at the half.

But Ray Rice-a-roni the Baltimore treat (not to be confused with crack the real Baltimore treat) finds his legs in the 2^nd half, the defense stuffs the Texans and Joe Flacco’s eyebrow finds Torrey Smith deep a couple times.

Take the Ravens, give the points for the full game.

NY Giants @ Green Bay

Halftime: Green Bay (-5)

Full Game: Green Bay (-8.5)

A few years ago, an up and down Giants team went into Green Bay and shocked the heavily favored Packers in the NFC title game. We all remember this game for Favre’s fitting final throw/interception as a Packer – losing the game in overtime (but he was just having fun out there). But you may not remember the single greatest thing about that game. The introduction of the Tom Coughlin Everest Face!

He may have won a Super Bowl and be on the verge of being fired each year, but for me Coughlin’s career highlight always has been and always will be coaching a game while looking like a mountaineer that survived a fierce storm at 26,000 by gnawing on George Mallory’s femur for energy and warmth.

I may or may not have the motto “those that don’t remember the past are destined to repeat it.’ (in Comic Sans) tattooed on my body, but in this case, I actually think that history works against the G-men.

Where they were once inspired by a coach that some thought was about to turn into Violet Beauregarde after the blueberry bubble gum, this weekend’s forecast in Green Bay calls for significantly less sinister temperatures.

Will the Giants be as motivated with a coach that doesn’t look like he is about to be wheeled away by the Oompa Loompas or have his nose amputated by a Nepalese surgeon? I doubt it.

In other, more subtle reasons why the Packers will win, Aaron Rodgers is not Brett Favre. None of us have seen his package and he doesn’t distribute the ball to the opposing team like a party host with a tray of mini-pigs-in-blankets.

That Packer team also didn’t have Clay Matthews on it. I imagine a cold evening in Green Bay will mean a huge night for Matthews in his on-going attempt to secure a role in the next Nordic mythology movie.

I say you take the Packers in the first half – they come out fast and come out mean, driving at will and making the inevitable Private Box shots of the Manning clan irrelevant.

In the 2^nd half I think the Giants slow the Packers and crawl back into the game, with a bomb to Victor Cruz and a long sustained drive by the 2-headed running back tandem.

Giants keep it close and cover that too-big-spread bu,t in the end, their Super Bowl dreams disappear Into Thin Air.

Last year, in the inaugural ‘Doubling Down’ series, I had a shockingly successful run in picking both halftime and full time playoff games against the spread.  So let’s try it again and see if it was a fluke or if I should sell my home, move to Vegas and drive hookers around in a brand new Mercedes.

I think we all should stand up today and thank the University of Clemson.

We all face pressure every day. We all want to do our best when thrust in the spotlight. We all grow up dreaming of catching the winning touchdown pass, making the game winning shot or landing that perfect triple-lutz to steal the ice-skating gold from that Russian bitch who totally doesn’t deserve it but got great scores from the French judge because of some backroom deal even though she put that hand down on her last jump….umm…I think I’ve said too much.

But sadly most of us will not do any of those things. Most of us will endure mediocre athletic careers that see many more failures than successes. And even successes that can’t measure up to our lofty childhood dreams.

This is why we owe Clemson big thanks today. While many of us will fail to achieve our goals, almost none of us will fail as spectacularly or as publicly as Clemson did in the Orange Bowl last night.

We have seen a new bottom, and it isn’t us.

Go forth with head held high, knowing no matter what you do today, someone has done something significantly worse.

NY Giants vs. Atlanta

Halftime: NY Giants (-2)

Full Game: NY Giants (-3)

I really don’t want to pick this Giants team.

(What’s with all of the ‘this team’ stuff? Why am I suddenly the Jon Gruden of little read corners of the internet?)

A few years ago, I mercilessly mocked the Giants for even making the playoffs and spent countless words comparing Eli Manning to the kid from Dazed and Confused that is always pinching the bridge of his nose for no reason. They responded to my taunts by winning 3 road playoff games and then pulling off the greatest upset in Super Bowl history, so I like to think I did my part to usher in Michael Strahan’s retirement.

You are welcome.

This Giants team (SEE?? AGAIN!), reminds me a lot of that team. Underwhelming performance (they lost to the Redskins 3 weeks ago!! And the announcers keep saying that they are ‘peaking’!). A hit or miss running game. Defense that can dominate or disappear. Eli “I always look like I would rather be at an amusement park” Manning under center.

I could see them winning by 4 touchdowns or losing by 3. If I were in Vegas I wouldn’t touch this game with Justin Blackmon’s infected ‘thigh’. But I am committed to making picks, so I will take the Giants at both halftime and over the full game for 2 reasons.

1 – That 2007 team. Those who don’t remember the past…and all that

2 – The Falcons still have Tony Gonzalez who is genetically incapable of winning a playoff game or being criticized by the media. Where Shannon Sharpe helped win games by sheer force of personality, Tony seems to lose games the same way. Never count on Tony (or Matt Ryan, or Michael Turner) to come through in the clutch. Especially on the road.

Sorry Eli, at least one more week before you get to go ride the Tea Cups again.

Denver vs. Pittsburgh

Halftime: Pittsburgh (-5.5)

Full Game: Pittsburgh (-8.5)

And so it ends where it all began – my hometown Broncos.

We are here because for weeks on end, Tebow was able to perform magic tricks that would have impressed David Blaine (“elevation – PFFFT – try knocking the ball out of a runner’s hand without getting near him!”).

Unfortunately, Tebow strapped on a straightjacket and blindfold and locked himself in a box filled with water 3 weeks ago. The struggle stopped 2 weeks ago and the bubbles stopped on Sunday. The magic is over and we are left with a carcass getting riper by the week.

But – lo, I just saw the body twitch. The straps on the straightjacket appear to be coming undone. There may be a little life left in that body after all.

Big Ben comes in limping. Mendenhall is out for the season. Ryan Clark can’t play at altitude. The Steelers are the better team but they aren’t a dominant team.

The Patriots dominated the Broncos by capitalizing on mistakes and with an overwhelming offensive show. Frankly, the Steelers don’t have an offense like that (see: Week 17; 13 points scored at Cleveland where they spot you 3 points if you make it to the stadium on time).

Will the Steelers win? Yes, most likely – the Chiefs just won in Denver. Will they win by more than 8.5 (or higher, spread has been climbing up to near 10)? I don’t think so.

Take the Steelers and give the points at half (7-0, 14-7, etc.). Take the Broncos and the points for the full game (14-7, 17-10, 17-14).

The magician may not make it out of that water-tight box, but he will come awfully close.

Twas the day before the day before Christmas and all through the house the heater was blasting because it was freaking cold outside.

I was never good at rhyming.

Is it just me or the holidays always a disappointment now that I am an adult? As a student, even into college, you have a couple weeks off, with at least one coming prior to Christmas to allow you to get all festive.

You spend days getting into brawls with 67 year old women over the 25% Scarves rack.

You pick out and decorate a tree, hang household decoration and wrap presents.

You relax, reading or watching TV with a fire in the fireplace and the lights on the tree.

Your parents blast the worst possible Christmas music for weeks on end.

Each night features a bowl game pitting one school with a direction in its name against a school with a city in its name.

In short, your entire attention is focused on the pending holidays.

Now as a working adult, I force myself to squeeze some rushed shopping between the never-ending work requests that pile up as co-workers and clients try to cram a month’s worth of work into the 3 working days before the end of the year. Forget household decorations.

Today is a holiday for my company, yet I have a list of work to-dos longer than my 9-year old niece’s Christmas Wish List.

Where the holidays used to be my favorite time of the year, now it is something I look forward to all year that inevitably disappoints. It is sort of like the city of London. I idealize it in my mind and then once there, realize it is just really crowded and expensive.

With that bah-humbug, depressing opening, let’s hit the THH for the penultimate NFL weekend.

In honor of happier holidays this week, I am using one of the 3 best Christmas TV specials of my youth to guide who to cheer on in each game.

For the record those 3 are: (1) Twas the Night Before Christmas, (2) Rudolph, the Red Nosed Reindeer and (3) Emmet Otter’s Jug Band Christmas

This time of year, there is only one question to ask yourself: What would Emmet Otter do?

Shadow and Turner are not joining because Turner grew up Amish and is not familiar with the season’s most generous mammal while Shadow regretfully admitted he didn’t like Emmett growing up, which is nearly as shameful as once being a Raiders fan.

But I will forgive him. It is the least I can do this time of year. Because I should be thankful for what I have: family, friends and a washtub with no hole in it.

Giants @ Jets

Obviously Emmet would be cheering on the Giants. First, Emmet loathes greed in all forms. With Rex clearly eating all food in his vicinity and refusing to share while Mark Sanchez nails every hot woman who doesn’t have a souvenir ‘I got hit by Derek Jeter’ baseball, the Jets personify greed. The Giants on the other hand have Eli Manning who is all about the family. If any NFL player would enter a musical contest to try and earn money to buy his mom a Christmas present, it is clearly Eli.

Bucs @ Panthers

One of the songs that Emmet and his pals play is entitled Barbecue and includes the following lyrics:

And your very favorite thing to do

Is get a perty girl dancin’ to jug-band music

And a mess of mama’s barbecue

Barbecue lifts my spirit

I swear that it never fails

And the sauce mama makes just stays there forever

If you dare to get it under your nails

Well you maybe poor with a wolf at your door

But money isn’t everything

You still got your song and a river full of fun

And you’ll always have a song to sing

So get the frown off your face

We’re gonna replace it with a grin and a dream come true

With a perty girl dancin’ to jug-band music

And a mess of mama’s barbecue

Clearly, Emmet would be cheering for Carolina and their messy, sweet, tasty barbecue in this one.

Browns @ Ravens

Emmet, his mom and his mates lost the musical contest to a bunch of lizards, snakes and a bear wearing sunglasses. A group that can’t be trusted and would do anything to make money. Sort of like Art Modell turning his back on the people of Cleveland and moving to Baltimore for a promised new stadium. Emmet, of all beings, can relate to the poor people of Cleveland and would be a proud member of the Dawg Pound this weekend.

I should start by stating a simple fact. I love football. Even when my teams are nearly as disappointing as Two Broke Girls. I say this so you know that this criticism comes from a place of love.

Football fans are not good with time.

Maybe it comes from enjoying a sport where 60 minutes last over 3 hours, I don’t know. Whatever the reason, the football world just doesn’t seem to understand how time works.

The century is now almost 12 years old. It is still pre-pubescent. If it were a child, it still might be listening to its parents. While many twelve-year olds feel like events that occur each weekend are THE MOST IMPORTANT THING THAT HAS EVER OCCURED, over time they will learn that little Bobby not asking them to the winter dance wasn’t the end of the world (especially when he doesn’t quite finish the 11^th grade and ends up picking up trash for the county). Most college football fans have now lived in 2 separate centuries. Heck, they have even lived in 2 separate millennia. They should understand the concepts of time. But apparently they don’t.

All of this is a long way of saying, that I am getting tired of all fo these ‘The Games of the Century’.

The media is tirelessly building up this weekend’s game between #1 LSU and #2 Alabama as the most important football contest ever played. Naturally, it has earned the moniker Game of the Century, which makes it at least the 8^th or 9^th Game of the Century, since the turn of the century.

Can we please just stop. Are you really telling me that in the next 88 years there won’t be another game of equal import? Is this game more important than the USC/Texas national championship game of 2005? The Florida/Alabama SEC title game in 2009? The 2000 FSU/Miami game? Nebraska/Oklahoma game of 2002?

No, of course isn’t, but in a world where anything that happened last week is now ancient history, the here and now is always more important.

100 years is a long time. Less than 100 years ago, the Titanic sank and Theodore Roosevelt ran as a 3^rd party candidate for President. If TV is right, 100 years from now, we will be living in pod-like sky-scrapers, robots will wear aprons and be programmed with sarcasm and our clothes will come with unattached rings around the ankles.

In 1993, #1 FSU visited #2 Notre Dame for another Game of the Century. The game ended with Notre Dame winning 31-24 with FSU’s Heisman trophy winning quarterback Charlie Ward’s pass to the end zone broken up by some anonymous Notre Dame player that later was drafted too high by the NFL, was subsequently cut and ended up helping cause the 2008 financial crisis after landing a cushy job on Wall Street (some of this is speculation).

This game was truly a game for the century. Yet, less than 20 years later, we have already have at least 10 other Games of the Century.

If we are all puttering around our flying cars in 2099 still talking about the epic 2011 LSU/Alabama game, I will gladly acknowledge how wrong I am. But until then, let’s pour some Spike 80DF on all of this Game of the Century talk and kill it before it can take root further.

Coincidentally, I think there is at least one Alabama fan that can help us with that.

Shadow: It has really been an up and down year so far with THH.  Turner has yet to make his inaugural appearance…..perhaps he is waiting for the OU-OSU matchup when we should know if OU is firmly back in the National Championship picture…or not.  I haven’t managed to turn in entries for even half the weeks.  Lucky for the two of us, SuperDave still more than ably fills up this space each week with wit, wisdom, and carefully crafted reflections on football, society, and life.  Since this is the month of Thanksgiving…I am thankful SD doesn’t kick the two of us out for lack of activity.

In honor of all of these Games of the Century, THH this week found 4 separate match-ups that at one time or other was named a Game of the Century. This weekend we will cheer on the team we cheered on in that original match-up.

College:

LSU vs Bama (2011)

SD: Let’s start with this year’s Game of the Century. Really the only college football game that matters, and, even though I have an aversion to SEC over-hype that rivals my aversion to sitcoms on CBS, I have been looking forward to this game for weeks.  On one hand I have friends who went to Bama that live and die with the Tide and my all time favorite college football book focuses on Bama. On the other hand, I have always held an affinity for LSU; it feels almost like a cousin to FSU. It is in the top two of my college football game experience bucket list (1a and 1b are attending games at LSU and Ole Miss). For me this comes down to the coaches. Like any right thinking American, I can’t get enough of the Les Miles Crazy Train. Nick Saban is a humorless, loyalty-free mercenary that happens to be a very good coach. As I am reminded every day while sitting in a conference room surrounded by ambitious, arrogant Type-A’s, I will take a sense of humor over professional success any day. Geaux Tigers!

<Postscript: I wrote the entire preceding paragraph before reading this but I am now more confident in this decision than any I have made since I advised Mike Leach that the best way to deal with the spoiled, entitled son of a TV broadcaster is to lock him in a shed.>

Shadow: In 6^th grade I read a biography of Bear Bryant.  It was the first time in school that I had to read a non-fiction book of that length, and it was the only book on the list to choose from that had anything to do with sports.  Years later (last year in fact), I read Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer.  This is the last non-fiction book I have read.  There is nothing significant in these two facts, other than the fact that they seem to be telling me I should root for Alabama.

Texas Tech vs Texas (2008)

SD: For those that live in west Texas it is easy to feel lost in the shuffle. While you spend days worried about the government coming to steal your small patch of dust and weeds, and fending off waves of illegal immigrants invading your homeland to take jobs you have no interest in doing for less money that you would be willing to accept, the rest of the world just goes on spinning. But on one day in 2008, you were the center of the universe. #1 Texas, from that fruity, weird city of Austin came to town. In the end a dropped interception, a short out-pass and a missed tackle led to the upset few expected. For one day, west Texas was more than the place where a village was missing its idiot from 2001 to 2008. Being a loather of all things Burnt Orange (including the pretentious use of the word Burnt), I cheered on the Red Raiders that day. As I will again on Saturday.

Shadow: While watching this game, I felt the same way I feel anytime I am watching a game with two teams who have the word “Texas” as part of their name…..is there some way for both these teams to lose?  In matchups where I don’t really have any vested or passing interest in, I tend to pull for the underdog, so I was most certainly rooting for Tech and watched with dismay as they kept letting Texas back into the game.  When the Texas DB had the game handed to him and he dropped the interception I swear I had an inkling that something special would happen….and that special something would be the hearts of Texas fans breaking when Tech completed their own game winning drive.  That it happened in an unnecessarily risky manner with the pass to Crabtree with time almost expiring…well, that was just icing on the cake.

NFL:

Giants vs Patriots (2008)

SD: At Super Bowl XLII, the Patriots arrived undefeated on the season, while the Giants had won one improbable game after another just to get an invite. On paper this was a mis-match greater than heart disease against the menu from KFC. America may be the greatest favorite in global history, but we still love the underdog. I, however was cheering on the Patriots that day. As I said at the time, I like seeing historical greatness. Nothing about Eli Manning’s hail mary throw pinned to David Tyree’s helmet or the subsequent pass to gun and sweatpant enthusiast Plaxio Burress makes me think of greatest team ever. However, in hindsight, if I had known that this game would give us Michael Strahan yelling ‘More Meat!’ in a Subway commercial and that Tyree would be out of the league and working at a Subway 3 years later… I would have cheered even harder for the Patriots.

Shadow: I loved the Pats when they were underdogs and beat the Greatest Show on Turf (aided by the fact that I boldly predicted the win at a Super Bowl party where literally everyone else said there was no way the Rams lose).  I loved them being the first team in my memory to shun the ego-driven stylized individual introductions and asked to be announced as a team that day.  And then….as their success bred more success…and the head Hood Rat made his fashion statements….and they found a diamond in the rough QB late in the draft while the Broncos continued to fumble trying to find the heir to Elway….I began to hate them.  Really hate them.  And then came the perfect season.  And all through the season I hated them.  And in the playoffs I hated them.  And, truth be known, outwardly during the Super Bowl, I still pretended to hate them…..but secretly, and this is something I have never admitted until now, I was rooting for the perfect season.  Don’t know if it was because I was tired of seeing the ’72 Dolphins popping champagne every year….don’t know if it was because this could be something I would probably never see again in my lifetime….I can’t explain it.  But for that Sunday, I wanted Tom and Randy and Bill to finish the quest.

Denver at Oakland (1977)

SD: An AFC championship game may not be the Game of the Century for everybody but when a football-crazy town enjoys its first real success and plays its arch-enemy for a championship at the same time, it quickly becomes all consuming. Now, I was 2 years old at the time, living outside Kansas City, so I was most likely much more interested in finding out why Oscar was such a Grouch than this game. But I am confident that if presented carefully reasoned arguments for each team I would have been an early convert to Broncos country. I mean, their defense was named after a soda. What 2 year old doesn’t like the sugar rush of a soda?

Shadow: SD- you suck.  I didn’t think you could top the fact that you just made me admit to rooting for the Patriots….now you have uncovered my darkest NFL secret.  When this game was played, I had just turned 6, and I was still 18 months away from moving to Colorado from Iowa.  My mom was dating someone new (who would become husband #3 for her, and the person I still consider “Dad” for me).  I remember nothing from the game….I really only have spotty memories of much of the NFL prior to about 1981-82.  But here is what I do know.  When we moved to Colorado, my dad, and me by extension, were Houston Oiler fans..and this was due to the original “Snake”.  He was a big Stabler fan.  I could call my Dad for confirmation, but I have a feeling we were rooting for Stabler and the Raiders in this tilt with the Broncos.  There.  Are you happy?  I may have rooted for the Raiders against the Broncos.