As we approach the Fourth of July, I thought I should pause and take a moment to embrace the holiday. On other holidays you often hear of people using the occasion to appreciate their lives – whether it is assessing the things for which they are thankful on Thanksgiving or airing grievances on Festivus.

However, it doesn’t seem like anyone looks at the Fourth of July to appreciate all that our forefathers had to go through to allow us to live as we do.

It’s funny that as a kid you learn so much about the revolution but I don’t think it really dawned on me until just a few years ago reading about John Adams that our forefathers weren’t always heroes. Initially they were traitors.

With two hundred years of revisionist history, we have been trained to believe that they were good and the Brits were evil. All of this makes you really wonder what future generations will look back on this time and think.

Was the Iranian election of 2009 a watershed moment or a road bump on the road to continued maniacal, theological, narrow-minded, intolerant leadership? Was the war in Afghanistan, an imperial super power forcing its views on a simple people or the freeing of a people from tyrannical leadership? Was Michael Jackson a musical genius and man of god or a pervy weirdo that took advantage of children?

We can’t address these questions today, but it got me to thinking about the greatness of this country. Those many years ago our forefathers fought for freedom. Freedom to say and think as you desire. Freedom from afternoon tea and crumpets and poor oral hygiene.

So in honor of the men that founded this country I have decided to express a number of things I am free to think and say because of them.

In the United States in 2009 I am free to think:

• That Michael O’Donoghue’s quote of ‘Good career move’ when he heard that Elvis had just died summed up better than I ever could my feelings about all of these people suddenly sanctifying a child molester.
• That people who have decided to forget that Michael Jackson molested children just because he made some good music and passed away are too moronic to be allowed to reproduce.
• That when these people (inevitably) do reproduce their children will most likely become reality show contestants and inflict their uselessness and idiocy on the rest of us.
• That a better use for Guantanamo would be as a detention center for all reality show participants and the paparazzi
• That the 2-0 lead that U.S. soccer held over Brazil was a much less accurate indicator of their relative strength than getting outscored 3-0 in the second half.
• That you should only watch the movie Vantage Point once because the second time you will start figuring out that there are some holes in the timelines between the different versions of the same event.
• That the movie Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story is the perfect combination of realism and absurdity
• That in Walk Hard, the fact that Pam from The Office is surprisingly gorgeous and wearing low cut tops the whole time more than makes up for the extended penis close-ups.
• That Raul Ibanez is not taking steroids, despite what some blogger said. Here is what I wrote last year on my first visit to SafeCo field: Raul Ibanez might be the greatest player in the majors…if he could bat exclusively against Jered Weaver. Lifetime he is 12-21 with 4 homers against Weaver. Friday night, he hit two massive homers (the first was measured at 438 feet) on a cool, damp evening. Put him in Coors Field and he might hit one 600 feet.
• That the Rockies are a fun story but I wouldn’t put much money on a Rockune, Rockuly, Rockust, and Rocktember run propelling them into the playoffs.
• That after watching some of the Rockies / A’s series last weekend, everyone involved would be happier if Holliday were still playing for the Rockies.
• That Jim Tracy’s helming of this team to a 23-9 record actually helped prove the point of my rant in which I declared the Rockies dead to me.
• That after questioning every single move that Tracy made in the 9^th inning of a tie game against the Pirates a couple weeks ago only to see them all work to perfection, I should stick to football.
• That they could all get ‘Brady-ed’ in the first quarter of the first game and Colt McCoy, Sam Bradford and Tim Tebow would still be the top three vote-getters for the Heisman.
• That the guy whose thesis in PCU was that you could find a Gene Hackman or Michael Caine movie on cable at any hour of any day, will be proven correct this fall only it will be about finding a glowing tribute to Tim Tebow.
• That T.O. and Tony Romo are going to both wish T.O. was still in a Cowboy uniform by November 1^st.
• That Jay Cutler’s perception of his time in Denver is going to change radically about the fourth time he throws to a wide-open Devin Hester and the ball goes through his hand after spending an entire quarter handing off to Matt Forte.
• That it is sort of pathetic that the NFL is currently trying to determine which of the following players deserves the harshest penalty: a guy that inadvertently shot himself in the leg, a guy that ran a dog fighting ring and treated dogs worse than Kabayashi, and a guy that ran over and killed another person while driving drunk
• That a guy being stupid enough to shoot himself in the leg is to the other two as Martha ‘Dumptruck’ Dunstock is to Christian Slater in Heathers.
• That the Fourth of July signifies the beginning of the end of summer despite technically coming about 14 days after the official start of summer.
• That training camp can’t come fast enough.

What are you free to think?