It is tough time for THH at the Super Dave Bat Cave this week. After spending 36 hours in transit from India yesterday (and the day before and maybe a little bit of today and just a small piece of tomorrow), I returned, not to a ticker tape parade but instead to piles and piles of work. All of which needs to be completed before heading of to the City of Sins with the THH contingent tomorrow morning.

Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way complaining about my weekend in Vegas. We have only been planning it for 6 months. It is just hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel with your face stuck in the grill of a locomotive.

Anyway, with that, it is time to dive into hatred. We have tried to focus on the biggest college match-ups each week this season but despite this week having some great games we won’t be hitting them. Our allegiances are already clearly defined for these games: either by the teams we love (Oklahoma, Iowa) or the teams we hate (Florida). There is no suspense in these games. Our rooting interests are clear. So instead this week we focus on the obscure and unique.

If this week’s THH were a joke it would have been written by Dennis Miller.

Turner: Honorary Pre-Vegas Edition.  Like my time at the blackjack table, this edition will be short

Shadow: I have Vegas fever…..and I like it!  This week will be an abbreviated return to Hate as I prepare to pack up and ship this Shadow south to hit the glitzy Strip and make me some money at the tables.  I cannot think of a better way to spend a weekend than chilling with Turner, Super Dave, and Lemonster in Sin City putting our hard-earned money where our mouth is and trying to win big.  In honor of the ‘very short’ THH that SD requested, I shall put all my responses in the form of Haiku.

College

Florida Atlantic @ South Florida

SD: I always feel bad for FAU. They share a city and are confused with the oxymoronically named Florida International (last I checked Florida was still in the US. It just feels like Latin America). FAU’s location as implied by their name is only narrowed down to ‘the entire Atlantic coast of Florida’. I am sure in the world before Mapquest, there were poor incoming freshmen who drove the length of I-95 in the state trying to find the school.  Compare that to South Florida, who has gone out of their way to confuse people by not being located very far south yet adding it to the title. That is just rude. At least FAU is factually correct, if not a little vague.

Turner: Atlantic Ocean vs. Gulf of Mexico.  No doubt.  Clearwater and warmer waters win every time. Go Bulls

Shadow:

Bulls are not scary

When Owls swoop in from Boca

Geezer City Rules

Arizona State @ Oregon State

SD: As has been stated many times here I am a Beaver legacy. I have stated it many times for 2 reasons: 1 – it is just a fun sentence to write and 2 – it is true (my dad re-paved the basketball court at the Fiji house in Corvallis, back in the day. Though I am guessing after 40 years it might have needed touching up since). So even though I am heading off to the desert tomorrow and ASU would be the logical pick I can’t turn my back on my roots. Plus, I have sworn that the only parlays I will bet this weekend are the THH parlay (Turner’s, Shadow’s and my favorite teams) and my family parlay (betting all of my family’s alma maters to win: OSU, Mizzou, Wyoming and THE Florida State University). So, for many reasons, expect to hear some guy in an FSU cap to be yelling this in the MGM Sports book on Saturday: “OOOOO SSSSS UUUUUUU Oregon State, fight, fight, fight.”

Turner: Going to Vegas – is the Devils chasing you or are you chasing the Beavers?  Given I’m now 36, balding and fat, I think it is the former so I have to go with Arizona State in this one

Shadow:

I prefer “beavers”

On the Sun Devil coeds,

Not Oregon State.

NFL

Cincinnati @ Cleveland

SD: The battle of Ohio has become a regular stop here in THH-land. Why? Because there is no inherent reason to cheer for one of these teams over the other. It is like the Falklands War of football rivalries. Sure, the involved parties are very invested but the rest of the world pretty much says ‘ehh’. The Bengals have tried to change that; first with Hard Knocks last year and then bringing T.O. to play alongside Ochocinco in a pathetic attempt at gaining some attention in the AFC North. Of course, they weren’t counting on having the quarterback of a rival go all Jame Gumb on the co-eds of Georgia (well played Ben). In their attempt to become the Paris Hilton of football teams (more famous for being famous than actually accomplishing something) they lost something else: their souls. The Browns may be perennial losers but at least they still know who they are. The Larry The Cable Guy of the NFL: dismissed by almost everybody but adored by a small group of blue collar supporters. Their big off-season acquisition was Peyton Hillis: a 3^rd string running back that has turned into a star both in Cleveland and Denver (his previous stop) in no small part thanks to just a whiff of the Hansbrough Effect. Their best player is an offensive lineman. Their quarterbacks include guys named Colt and Jake. This is a real ‘merican team. A team Sarah Palin could love. Well, except for that wide receiver named Mohammed. A team Vince Lombardi could love. Well, besides the whole ‘not being very good’ thing. But this week it’s a team I love.

(I don’t know if that argument even made sense, but I am hoping I at least set some sort of record for football team analogies per sentence)

Turner: gun please……. <silence>  unable to finish this post because I just cut off my fingers thinking of the pain of this game

Shadow:

TO and Ocho,

Ticking timebomb of egos,

The Dawg Pound prevails.

Chicago @ New York Giants

 SD: There might be only one person in football more arrogant and smug than Jay Cutler and that is Mike Martz. Combining their self-importance in Chicago is like crossing the streams in Ghostbusters: nothing good.  You can say many things about Eli Manning (and I have) but out-of-control ego is not one of them. Give me the humble southern boy in the big city over the Stay-Puft Ego Man any day.

Turner: Classic THH Geography Edition.  I HATE NY.  Love you Jay Cutler this week.

Shadow:

Cutler must go down,

Hors d’oeuvres for Umenyiora.

G-Men in a romp.

Last week, to my immense excitement, the new Chuck Klosterman book arrived that I had pre-ordered from Amazon months ago (memo to the FTC: I paid for this book, I was not given a free book for this endorsement. Unfortunately). As I sit on a plane from San Francisco back to a Denver that has been swallowed by a couple feet of snow, the book couldn’t be timelier for a couple reasons.

The first is that, once the book arrived I was almost hesitant to begin reading. Like a kid staring at his presents on Christmas morning (a snowy Christmas morning – get it?), I was afraid to start because as I knew as soon as I started I would be that much closer to the end.

The second reason is that one of the chapters is a discussion of time travel, and as I am currently on a plane traveling from a perfect early fall California day and landing a short two hours later in the dead of winter, I am a firm believer in time travel at the moment.  I guess the real question is whether there will be another Dave waiting for me and whether I will like him or think him a pompous ass, like most of you probably do.

Anyway, as I haven’t quite finished Chuck’s chapter on football so I will keep this week’s THH short, so I can get back to it. Also, due to a minor scheduling error on my part, we are sticking to only the college kids. Don’t ask, just know that I am a moron.

NOTE: If you are wondering why we are so late this week, read on and you may be able to determine where the fault lies.

Turner: Hello Readers… this week’s THH comes to you on Sat. morning as I’ve just come off completely wiping out SuperDave’s financial dreams on a Full House last night at the Shadow’s home poker game.  While the first game ended in disaster for ol’ Turner (Thanks to the Shadow’s Flush from no where), the 2^nd game was complete dominance.  The highlight was taking down the Shadow’s brother-in-law with a 4 of a kind (God Bless 7’s).  We are now prepared for Vegas.  Hello tournament poker, Turner’s game is on.  Speaking of on, how about those Sooners!!   Ok – no one cares but at least they didn’t dip below .500.  This week we get the Big XII North leading KSU Wildcats (yes I just wrote that even though they lost to Louisiana Monroe) but to get to play Bill Snyder on Halloween is somewhat appropriate since they brought him back from the dead to coach.   Big game is needed b/c likely with an OU win, that puts them in Primetime next week in Lincoln, NE where I will be making my first visit to Memorial Stadium to watch that ‘football’ team that I’ve hated for so many years (i.e.Tommy Frazier, Eric Crouch, Johnny Rodgers, etc……)

So the next 2 weeks shall be exciting with live blogs coming from Boise, ID, Lincoln, NE, and yes, the semi-annual trip to Las Vegas coming.   We will be putting Bill Simmons to shame.

Shadow: As I write this week’s THH, the Yankees have just tied up the World Series at one game apiece.  So far the Series has been all about dominating pitching (everyone outside of the Yankee middle relievers).  Iowa finally has a pretty straightforward “game they should win” this weekend against Indiana, but the Broncos face a test in those Ravens.  The Avs are off to their best start in a long time, and the Nuggets are 1-0.  One of two things is occurring here:  1) The world is ending…..and soon!  2) The Shadow is being set up to lay a lot of money on the line in Vegas in two weeks and watch it go bye-bye.  Either way…something has to give eventually.

College

UAB @ UTEP

SD: For college games this week I am going with teams with similar themes in their school names. This game, beside looking very much like an eye chart or a text message from a 14 year old girl pairs two schools named for a state AND a city. Most likely this was forced upon them by their uppity cousins currently ranked in the top 5 (can’t you imagine some Longhorn:”Oh no, I go to the THE Univeristy of Texas), but it is still pretty unique. I think I am going with UTEP on this one. Mostly because I like how they have embraced their unnaturally extended nickname and actually turned it into a word. U-tep, not U-T-E-P. Yes, Utep sounds a little like a long lost tribe of Indians from Mexico, but it is much better than U-A-B. Which is just D-U-M-B.

Turner: This one is the battle of ex coaches that ‘tried’ to lead real teams….  We have that great Mike Price experiment at Alabama that ended in strippers, a sex club and a $20M lawsuit.  Then we have Watson Brown (no longer a Blazer) who tried to lead the Oklahoma offense for a few years before someone had the great idea that he should actually lead the program.  While he did turn around UAB, he was part of the darkest history of OU football and was able to lead the offense about as well as Chris Weinke and the FSU Seminoles in the 2000 National championship game.  Have to give Mike Price the lead on this one for story line, utilizing the ‘benefits’ of a head coaching position and enjoying life….  Oh, yes, he didn’t take down the greatest football program in history.  Poor Watson has another issue facing him, his brother….  That was enough for the hatred.  Go Miners!!

Shadow: I just can’t stand those Old El Paso commercials where some actors pretending it is the old west and mocking someone who likes Salsa made in New York City.  New York City?  Lame commercials.  I now hate anything connected to El Paso, including UTEP.  Go Blazers.

Middle Tennessee State @ Florida Atlantic

SD: I love the vaguely directional names of each of these schools. Not content with a simple ‘north’ or ‘south’ MTSU and FAU have gone the extra mile and picked a directional identifier that only sort of tells you where it is. I have to go with FAU on this one. Sure, Atlantic doesn’t exactly narrow down the school’s location in a state with a long Atlantic coast line but it is major improvement over the ridiculously vague ‘middle’. Isn’t that pretty much anywhere not right on the border? And given its’ location in the USA, couldn’t ALL of Tennessee be described as ‘middle’. Sorry, Blue Raiders that is just lazy.

As a side-note. Don’t worry there won’t be any more gratuitous plugs for Klosterman’s book next week. Though I should warn you that Bill Simmons’ Book of Basketball arrives this week (fully paid for FTC!), so you can probably expect a lot of David Thompson and Wes Unseld references soon.

Turner: Is it possible that SD knew what he was doing? He threw the Howard Schnellenberger Era into this THH.  Another failed OU experiment AND a Miami head coach.  I don’t need to write anymore on this one….  GO MTSU

Shadow: The Sun Belt.  Middle Tennessee is somewhat in the middle of Tennessee and Florida Atlantic is actually in Florida and on the Atlantic ocean.  So, at lease they have that going for them.  FAU was originally started in Boca Raton.  Mouth of the Mouse?  Here is a fact you may not know about Boca Raton.  It is known as the Spam capitol of the world due the amount of spam email that is generated from there.  I hate Spam (all varieties really).  Go MTSU!