After months of pretending to get our NFL fix by following the human equivalent of the Westminster Dog Show known as the NFL Combine and the movements of free agents deemed too old, too crazy or too expensive by their previous employers we have finally reached the crown jewel of the NFL offseason: the NFL Draft. Out with the past, and in with the future. There are endless educated guesses out there on who each team will draft but who should all these teams draft? Thankfully, your dutiful analyst here at PFB has scoured the scouting services and waded through Mel Kiper’s hairline to determine who each team should target, if for no other reason than our entertainment.

AFC East

New England Patriots – With the loss of Ben Watson to Cleveland the Patriots have a need at tight end (I know, I can’t believe losing Ben Watson would cause anything but joy in Foxbrough but it is what it is). In steps Ron Gronkowski out of Arizona. Whether he succeeds on the field or not, he can at least act as a guardian to long-lost cousin kicker Stephen Gostkowski, reducing the number of wedgies and swirlies inflicted this year by that bully Tom Brady.

New York Jets – The Jets need to find some offensive help for their second year quarterback and overpowering defense. They have gone out on the free agent market and gotten wide receivers and running backs, so they should use the draft to go get a tight end. How about Dennis Pitta out of BYU? Last year, the Jets made the millions of latino fans in New York happy with the drafting of Mark Sanchez. This year they can make millions of Greek and middle eastern fans happy by loading up on Pitta. 

Miami Dolphins – This offseason, the Dolphins lost linebacker, non-stop talker, cheap-shot artist and drunk driver Joey Porter to the Arizona Cardinals. Drafting Brandon Spikes, he of the linebacker playing, eye-gouging, teammate deifying career at Florida will help address the loss of many of Porter’s doucheiest qualities.

Buffalo Bills – Last year, the Bills played a home game in Toronto to expand their fan base beyond western New York and into Canada. If they can’t put a competitive team on the field, this is their best chance at remaining relevant. Drafting Dan LeFevour, a quarterback out of Central Michigan not only addresses one of their biggest needs but may also bring millions of new Canadian fans to the Bills bandwagon when they get confused and assume he is on loan from playing winger for the Maple Leafs.

AFC North

Pittsburgh Steelers – Last year after Troy Polamalu was lost to injury, the Steelers showed a great weakness in the secondary. Drafting Joe Haden, the cornerback out of Florida will help reduce the dependence on Troy’s hair. Plus after years in Gainesville, Haden knows quite well how to deal with a quarterback with a god complex.

Cleveland Browns – Three years ago, the Browns drafted golden boy Brady Quinn out of Notre Dame to address their quarterback needs. This year they can draft Golden Tate out of Notre Dame to address their wide receiver needs. I mean it can’t work out any worse than last time right?

Cincinnati Bengals – Needing another weapon for Carson Palmer, the Bengals should take Jermaine Gresham, who provides the added bonus of sounding like the best-selling legal novel author around. If the Bengals can’t get players that actually understand the law they can at least get players that sound like they do.

Baltimore Ravens – Still looking for players to help out Joe Flacco, the Ravens should roll the dice on Dez Bryant. Sure, there are some questions marks around Dez – especially about his lying to the NCAA and questionable work ethic but if there is anyone that will take a stab at motivating a young player it is Ray Lewis.

AFC South

Indianapolis Colts – Coming off a Super Bowl in which they were torched by Drew Brees, the Colts need to address their inability to put pressure on the quarterback. Jason Pierre Paul out of South Florida can help that need as well as taking the pressure off Pierre Garcon of being the only Pierre on the roster.

Tennessee Titans – With Lendale White becoming ineffective without tequila in his blood it is time to look for a new complement to take some of the load off of Chris Johnson. Not only does Toby Gerhart provide the short yardage power, and leading blocking ability, but can you imagine the nicknames that could be formed for a small black running back and large white running back tandem? Chocolate Lightning and White Thunder? Ebony and Ivory? The I-Spy Backfield? Tennessee Vice? I could do this all day.

Jacksonville Jaguars – Much has been made this offseason of the Jaguars drafting the best player out of nearby University of Florida to help drive interest in the team and improve their anemic offense. I fully endorse this approach and expect Maurkice Pouncey to make the short trip up from Gainesville to Jacksonville.

Houston Texans – The Texans are the ‘Almost’ team. Every year they almost make the playoffs. Matt Schaub has stats almost as good as the best in the league and he almost makes it through the season uninjured. Steven Slaton can make it almost all the way through the game without fumbling. Andre Johnson almost gets the credit he deserves for being the best wide receiver in the game. Thus the Texans should draft Joe McKnight – the USC running back almost as good as his predecessor Reggie Bush who the Texans almost drafted 4 years ago.

AFC West

San Diego Chargers – In a tough offseason for the Bolts, they lost their top running back in LaDainian Tomlinson, a back-up quarterback in Charlie Whitehurst, outrageous child production in Antonio Cromartie and a player known to disappear in big games (Tomlinson again). Clearly they need to sign Travis Henry to address the running and child production needs while drafting Colt McCoy for the back-up quarterback and ‘disappearing in big game’ gaps.

Oakland Raiders – There is little doubt the Raiders will draft Bruce Campbell, the Maryland offensive lineman who is a physical specimen that impressed at the NFL Combine with incredible speed and strength after a completely mundane college career. Really his only chance of success in the NFL is if his hand is still possessed like it was back in Evil Dead 2.

Denver Broncos – The Broncos have a lot of needs. They are looking for linebackers, offensive linemen, receivers and (possibly) a long term solution at quarterback. But there is another position that has been vacated with the trades of Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall over the last two offseasons: unhappy whiner who quits on his team. The Broncos can’t go into the season without at least one on their roster so don’t be surprised to hear the name “Mike Williams” announced at some point with the Broncos on the clock.

Kansas City Chiefs – The Chiefs are still trying to improve their offense but while the acquisition of Thomas Jones to split carries with Jamal Charles should help, their defense still has holes. Targeting Sean Weatherspoon, the linebacker out of Missouri helps out a defense ranked 31^st against the run last year. Plus he is one of the few players in the draft that would know Kansas City is actually located in Missouri not Kansas. That could be huge when trying to find the stadium for that first game.

It is a solemn week here at the THH. Not only has it not been above 30 degrees in a week but for the first time in 3 months there is pretty much no college football this weekend (Army v. Navy and Division I-AA playoffs, just aren’t doing it for me). Where did the season go? It seems like just yesterday that Sam Bradford was getting squashed by a Mormon and FSU was spending Labor Day night letting the Hurricans run all over Doak Campbell stadium but unbelievably there have been a combined 9 more OU and FSU losses since that opening weekend. Ahh memories.

Yes, another college football season is in the books. Alabama and Texas will play for a BCS Title; TCU, Boise State and Cincinnati will not though they lost no games this year; Charlie Weis and Jimmy Clausen are leaving South Bend yet somehow all of us will find a way to go on and Tim Tebow cried yet there is still cancer. We have learned a lot this year – most notably that if you haven’t been a historic football power you have no chance of playing for a national title….excuse me, BCS title.

With no college, our THH this week is all pro all the time. Sort of like Tiger’s taste in women.

Shadow won’t be joining us this week as he took advantage of the gap between college football’s regular season and bowl season to take his family on a cruise, a veteran move that his family probably views as a self-less gift to them. Suckers.

We  miss the Shadow…..He is at sea right now getting a rub-down by Hans during his couples massage; I’m thankful I’m not witnessing that experience.  Meanwhile I sit in -4 degree weather here in Boise.  It is cold but that is not what annoys me tonight, here is what does:

1. You arrange all your bathroom stuff on the counter in your little bathroom bag so it isn’t spread out everywhere; meanwhile the maid decides she needs to monkey with your stuff.  There was no need to touch my stuff and now I’m not sure if she had to use my Old Spice or run my Crest fresh mint toothpaste through her sparkling teeth.  I’m not happy
2. No NFL network.  Fantasy playoffs start this week and I made it.  However I can’t watch my boys play because of the inability for the NFL to truly put its game on a national stage.  Oh – and they say the broadcast from the internet but they show 2 minutes of play followed by 12 minutes of “analysis” by  a bunch of Matt Millen wanna-bes.

Enough for now, I’m really just depressed about the Shadow.  I hope to recover by next week.

Miami @Jacksonville

SD: I think of this as the Seminole Book-End Bowl. FSU started the season with Miami and ends it at the Gator Bowl in Jacksonville. The Miami game was a heart-breaking loss. The Jacksonville game, regardless of the outcome of the game, will be an appreciation of the greatest college football coach. I expect the entire game to be one long worship of Bobby. After 35 years leading the program I think the least he has earned is the same reception Tim Tebow gets every game in Gainesville. Will I be there to say goodbye to grandpa Bobby? You are damn right. And for that I will cheer on the Jags this week.

Turner: Why does SD continuously put Jax on the schedule against cities with beautiful weather and women?  I really tried coming up with a compelling reason to pick Jax and other then I like saying Jax, I have to reason to root for them……. Still thinking………hmmmmmmmm

Cincinnati @ Minnesota

SD: Today it was announced that Cincinnati Bearcats head coach Brian Kelly would be leaving the Queen City for inevitable failure at Notre Dame. While this is a bad move in many ways – for example, the fact that it will be impossible to live up to the expectations of a fan base that thinks it is an elite program despite not having a team relevant to the national title conversation for about a generation now.  But there is one positive to his move. Next year if his team goes undefeated he will definitely be playing in the BCS title game. Of course, he will be at Notre Dame so there is absolutely no chance he will be undefeated but anyway. So, because the poor citizens of Cincinnati have lost their college coach, I will cheer for their pro team to exact some revenge by beating the Vikings – home of the only athlete more overrated than the Notre Dame Fighting Irish.

Turner: this is WKRP versus Coach.  I was a bit young for WKRP but Coach is one of those shows that I fell in love with.  Coach Hayden Fox and Dauber (oh – and Luther…) was greatness.  Comedy and football, one cannot go wrong.  The Screaming Eagles captured my heart so this THH as resurrected that great memory so I’m going Minnesota on this one.  Go Minnesota State.

Carolina @ New England

SD: Little known fact: the Carolinas are named in honor of King Charles I. Widely known fact: New England is named because people that settled there used to live in England. How is this pertinent to this game? It isn’t. But it should be noted that New England got its name because it was similar to England. No one would confuse the Carolinas with England. Nor would the Carolinas be confused with King Charles himself, as I don’t believe he was infested with Spanish Moss (though I bet Charles appreciated a good Argentinian mistress). Anyway, now that we know the US soccer team opens with the English team at next year’s World Cup, we as a country need to start building a solid level of hatred toward anything and everything British. Starting with cheering against New England would be a good way to ease into it. Baby steps and all.  

Turner: Remember Bill Belichick.  I still hate him (but sure need Randy Moss in my fantasy game..)  I hope that Jake Delhomme manages to throw for fewer INTs then 4^th downs that the Patriots fail on.

Ok – I’m still trying to figure out how to pick Jax so I guess I will stay with Miami this time.  Maybe when I see the sun-tanned, relaxed Shadow on Monday, I’ll be inspired since guess where I’ll be, yes Jax

It is a Thursday morning at PFB HQ. I arrived home from the City by the Bay late last night and in less than 24 hours we will be taking the official THH road trip to Las Vegas. It is hard to hate much when you are staring right at 3 days of the blackjack tables and sports book in Mandalay Bay. Other than unfriendly dealers of course.

What is it about a pending trip to Vegas that consumes your life? I went to Europe a couple months ago but did I obsess about all things European before going? Did I watch subtitled French art films, eat cheese and drink wine? Did I eat sausage and beer at every meal until the only thing keeping beer from seeping out every pore of my body was that the pores were clogged with pork fat? No, I didn’t. At least no more than usual.

Yet, with a trip to Vegas on the horizon, I am suddenly consumed with gambling. Whether it is innocent sport-picking games on espn.com, watching poker on TV or playing my little handheld blackjack game, it has been all- gambling, all-the-time for me this week. Why is that? I know I am going to lose large amounts of money, so it isn’t like I think all of this work will give me some sort of edge.

All of this makes we wonder if I have wee-bit of a gambling problem. But I don’t think I do for two reasons. First, is that I am too cheap to lose a ton of money. The second is that I have convinced myself that I only really like gambling as a way to stroke the competitiveness that is no longer a daily part of my life as it was back in my younger days. Now, that I am evolving into a decrepit old man that groans when he stands up and sighs when he sits down, I need some competition to keep me going. Demonstrating my superior knowledge through making money is the perfect avenue for that.

What do they say? Admitting you have a problem is the first step? Well, I won’t be taking that step until at least Monday.  

Turner: I learned a valuable lesson this past week… The more you look forward to something, the more disappointed you will be.  That happened as the Shadow and I made a road trip to Lincoln to watch my beloved Sooners take on the Huskers.  My anticipation had been building for the past 4 months for this game.  It had been a dream of mine since I was a kid to go to Lincoln and even though the rivalry (or greatness of the teams) isn’t the same, it brought back so many great memories that caused me to love college football.   I Highly recommend everyone make it to Lincoln for a game, and if you do, you must attend Sidetracks, a local bar full of Huskers and a live band spending the entire time berating the other team with some good ol’ fashioned humor and jesting.  That was pretty much the highlight of the weekend…..

From there the Shadow and I woke up and worked out (not together for either item) and made our way to a local bar for the Iowa game.  I won’t go into any details on that painful experience but to watch a dear friend suffer in misery but try to maintain a positive attitude was not enjoyable.   We then went there and as SD recapped, did a bit of tailgating, beer drinking (me, not the Shadow), and watching pretty much all 80,000 people come up to the Shadow (who was wearing his Iowa Shirt and Hat) and say “Hey man, did you see the Iowa game today” or “Hey man, did Iowa pull it out” or “Hey man, you do know that you lost to Northwestern, right”.  At any rate, the Shadow handled himself much better than I would have, he simply smiled (showing his sharp pointy hawkeye teeth) and said “yep”.   No anger, nothing… I was proud to be near a man (not that near) that had such composure. 

The roles reversed as the University of Oklahoma apparently left their entire football team in Norman (or they stayed at Sidetracks much too long).  To watch your team march past the 50 so many times and yet never score was painful.  But like the Shadow, I never raised my voice or lost my cool (thanks mostly to the 8 year old boy sitting in front of us).  I simply accepted the fact that this season sucks and I drove 8 hours through smelly, flat-land to watch my team lay a gigantic egg.  After the game, the Shadow and I simply walked back to the car with everyone we know asking the same three questions to me that they were asking the Shadow early (except insert “crappy a$$ Sooners” in for “Iowa”).  We held our heads high knowing that it isn’t the end of the world.

Why?  Well of course is because as bad as last weekend was, this weekend will be 100,000,000 times better.  In 48 hours, we’ll be in Vegas and I’m feeling it, starting with my first ever poker tournament on Friday night.  Karma will turn and by the end of the weekend, you will be comparing the names of Turner, SD, and The Shadow to those of famous Vegas lore.  Hopefully the stories will be so deep that we’ll get 2 or three posting out of it next week.  So I bid adieu to Lincoln and welcome the bright lights of Sin City, what a week.

Shadow: The dream is over.  Jimmy Vandenberg’s debut reminded me of the Tommy “Turnover” Maddox era for my Broncos.  To be fair, it was his first extended action, but, dammit……it was Northwestern!  I would like to think we have enough talent to still beat Northwestern even without QB1 and RB1 and RB2.  Sad.  And this was after the Broncos had already succumbed to their first defeat, and have since added on another, and the offense looks atrocious.  The Autumn of the Shadow has now turned into The Fall of the Shadow’s Football Teams.  I am trying hard to focus on this THH, but it is difficult. 

 Last weekend started so promising.  Road trip with Turner to Lincoln for the big Nebraska-OU showdown.  Friday night stop at “Sidetracks”, a local Lincoln joint only open on home game weekends.  Not much talent in the room, although there was plenty on the stage as the Sidetracks Band revved up the crowd by taking well known tunes and replacing the lyrics to either glorify the Huskers or denounce the Sooners, including a rather scathing rendition of Boomer Sooner, where the band went ahead and added on a few verses since the song kind of lacks verbosity.  The other highlight from Sidetracks was that the little old lady leading the band would read anything the crowd would write on cocktail napkins and handed to her.  Let’s just say I heard anatomical references and various descriptions of “coupling” that would have made a sailor blush.  And it was most incongruous to hear it coming out of someone who could be my grandma. 

 Since the big game wasn’t until 7 PM we had plenty of time to get up, watch the Iowa game, and tailgate with the Local Lincolnites.  As everyone knows by now, the day started shitty with Iowa losing their starting quarterback and then their first game.  I had to absorb some good natured ribbing from the locals.  Many Nebraskan fans seemed overjoyed that Iowa had lost.  I took most of it with stoic grace, but one annoying fan that just couldn’t let it go and kept yelling at me that Iowa lost (as if someone walking through Lincoln with a Hawkeye shirt and hat on would not know what had occurred), so I kindly reminded him that Nebraska lost to the J.V. team from the state of Iowa.  They didn’t like this.

 We also got to tailgate with the CEO of our company.  He was really down to earth, and eats Fritos right out of the bag like the rest of us.  No bean dip though.  And he kind of thought I was just a friend of Turner’s rather than realizing that I work for him as well, and in fact spend most of my time making Turner look good…which is a tough job…I probably need a raise.  By the time we got into the luxury suite, and looked out upon the fabled “Sea of Red” it was a pretty amazing site.  I had never been to any big time college games, and it was truly an experience.  Turner’s Holieway jersey ensured we would be showered with wisecracks all game, especially with the game itself a true snoozer.  I am pretty sure both offensive coordinators should have been fired on the spot.

 So we ended the day with a loss for each of our team’s, including SuperDave’s Seminoles, and still had to face the 7 hour drive back to Denver.  If anyone asks me if I would ever do this again, I can answer quite honestly…….Damn Right I would!  Even with the losses, it was a hell of a lot of fun, and a perfect warm-up for the debauchery that will occur this weekend in Las Vegas.

College:

Northwestern @ Illinois

SD: Our theme this week is intrastate rivals – because nothing is harder than picking between two teams in the same state you couldn’t care less about. Our first match-up is the old classic state school v. uppity, smart kid private school (see also: UNC/Duke, Cal/Stanford). Well I am state schooler through and through – from my parents to my collegiate experience to my outlook on life (fun before social standing). So in honor of all those kids out there that weren’t born with a trust fund and didn’t spend their entire high school career only doing what looked best on their college application, I’m cheering for the Illini. Take that silver spoon and shove it Wildcats.

Turner: 1 giant bag of poop to SD for this one.  This is just rubbing it in the Shadow’s wounds.   Under normal circumstances, I’d always go with NW because of their academics and purple but because of the heartbreak they caused my friend (or should I say “my employee” because the Shadow always introduces me as “his boss” versus “his friend” which completely pisses me off every time), I have to go with the Illini.  They ruined last Saturday, likely ruined the Rose Bowl dreams, and even potentially ruined the big game on Saturday versus OSU by breaking Stanzi’s leg.  You might be smart but you weren’t considerate NW.

Shadow: F*cking Northwestern.

Idaho @ Boise State

SD: One of these is the most overrated team in college football since the 2007 Hawaii Rainbow Warriors and set the tone for my college fantasy season by taunting and (most likely) racially slurring my first round draft pick to that point that he sucker-punched a dude, tried to pull a Ron Artest on the crowd and got dismissed for the season (only to be re-instated this week, the first week of my fantasy league playoffs – for which I didn’t qualify thanks to the aforementioned losing of my first round pick in the first game of the entire year. Awesome). The other team is based in Moscow and is nicknamed the Vandals. There isn’t much to like about a state best known for its militias and Senators that like anonymous gay sex in airport bathrooms but aren’t gay, but a city named Moscow and a team named Vandals is one of them. Please Vandals, save the college football world from suffering through this BSU team getting shellacked in an undeserved BCS bowl.  

Turner: Great match up here and having been in Idaho twice in the last month, the entire state is gearing up for this game.  Mark Schlereth of Bronco fame is an Idaho alum and has been talking the Vandals up for the past three weeks on ESPN.  I’m going to have jump on the Vandal bandwagon on this one only due to the fact that BSU has been whining about how great they are when they really aren’t.  They need to go down now so we can stop listening to them think they deserve to be on the big stage.  I don’t mind a TCU or even a Cincy but Boise has done absolutely nothing to impress me over the last month (ok – since Oregon) so I just want the smurfs to be quiet for a while so we can focus on the future of Idaho football.

Shadow: Congrats Idaho!  You get my vote.  Boise State- if you are wondering why I hate you, you can thank Eric Weaver who works for 5280 Solutions right down the road from your Smurf Turfed stadium.  His obnoxiousness about why if Boise State runs the table next year they will definitely be in the national title game made me start to feel intense hatred for all things Boise State. 

NFL:

Tampa Bay @ Miami

SD: The battle of the sunshine state.  I have never cheered much for the Dolphins, mostly because I had a long-running Marino vs. Elway debate with my huge Dolphin friend Doug. Actually I should say ‘have’ not ‘had’ because the debate still rages to this day – a full decade after Elway proved without a doubt that he was the better quarterback. Doug is just a little slow. Anyway, with that I would lean toward the Bucs – but don’t think I haven’t forgotten what they did to the incomparable Derrick Brooks this offseason and don’t think I haven’t immensely enjoyed every single point scored on this inept team. If Jay Cutler weren’t in the league, Raheen Morris might be the most hated NFL individual around PFB HQ these days. But, even my cheering for the Dolphins doesn’t change how much better Elway was than Marino.

Turner: Tampa Bay is on my sh**-list right now.   Why?  Because I was there a few weeks ago and wanted a tag-along (you know those peanut butter girl scout cookies) blizzard from Dairy Queen.  First off there is only 1 DQ in the entire city which blows my mind since you can find a wings place and a Waffle House on every corner.  And that 1 DQ didn’t carry the Tag-along brand of blizzard because “they aren’t very popular”.  I’m sorry, who just said that to me?  It was ridiculous that the Thin Mint or Samoa would be better in a blizzard than a tag-along…… I get back to Denver and within 24 hours, the Shadow has one on my desk.  That is service and quality that I expect from a city.  One that obviously that is something I can’t expect from Tampa Bay.  While I don’t know if Miami offers the tag-along, they can offer me a Cuban (sandwich or Cigar) and South Beach.

Shadow: Flowers……..Plumber……….Candygram.  How can you root against a team that plays in Landshark Stadium?  Go Dolphins.

[Editor Note: While that is a fantastic reference by the Shadow, no reader under the age of 30 is going to understand it – so let me just add  this]

Atlanta @ Carolina

SD: So, they aren’t in the same state – sue me. I can only work with what the NFL schedule makers gave me. But they are pretty close, especially when you factor in the Panther intentionally going with ‘Carolina’ rather than ‘North Carolina’ where they are actually located in the hopes of confusing South Carlinians into cheering for them as well. Which, given these are the people who believed that McCain had an illegitimate bi-racial daughter in 2000 and therefore inflicted 8 years of Dubya on us, is a reasonable assumption. Contrast this with the Falcons, who joined the league back in the days when the only reasonable name being the city where you are located (other than the greedy Patriots who preemptively claimed an entire region for themselves). It is almost a giant ‘F-you’ to the rest of Georgia. Basically saying, we don’t want your kind cheering for us. Judging by the number of empty seats at a typical Falcon game, this plan was a great success. But I like the elitism of going with the city name, so for that I am cheering on the Falcons in this one.

Turner: It annoys me that cities that generally have good weather have stadiums that are solely indoors.   For that reason, Atlanta needs to go down this week.  I use to hate them because of Vick but now I’ve moved on and can find other reasons and this week it is this one.  I like Jake Dehlomme (as my 5^th string starter in fantasy) so I hope they prevail.

Shadow: Seeing as it is Veteran’s Day, I will be rooting for the Air Force Fighting Falcons!  What?  Huh?  It’s the Atlanta Falcons?  Oh well, whatever.  Close enough.

It is Thursday evening, 9:41 pm MT. Right now, Florida State is probably losing once again on national television (the last score I heard was 14-3). Unfortunately, I have not watched a moment of the game  so I cannot provide my typical deep insights this week to explain their latest (presumed) failure, other than to guess that their defense is only slightly more effective than a 14 year old condom left out in the sun. Prior to boarding, the airport was inexplicably showing Game 5 of the ALCS, having no idea that baseball is a dead sport, no more relevant in today’s sporting landscape than wall scaling (an actual sport from the early part of the last century in which the Super-grandmother was apparently pretty good – see 1912 here).

(UPDATE: Florida State, after falling behind 24-6 rallied for an improbable 30-27 win. Their first win in a month. Maybe I should get on a plane for every one of their games. All bitterness below is completely unwarranted.)

Any sport that makes the decision to have its most important games start later and last longer than its regular games, all but ensuring that today’s ADD riddled, video game addicted children won’t care, deserves to evolve into the 5^th major sport (hate to tell you, but soccer is here to stay and is going to do nothing but grow).

Anyway, in this particularly spiteful moment, in which my flight was delayed and my team is (most likely) getting clobbered again, I bring you this week’s Hierarchy of Hate. Could I hold more hate for these teams than I do for the team formerly known as the Seminoles? Probably not, but as the true professional that I pretend to be, I will soldier on.

Turner and Shadow are back with us this week. Turner is still struggling to come to terms with his Sooner’s new-found mediocre-ness. Being a few steps ahead of him on the 12-step program I am mentoring him.  

Shadow is back to gloat over the success of all of his teams. In a related note, I found someone to hate more than the Noles.

Turner: Well folks, we are at 3-3 for the mighty-less Sooners.  Life was good for a bit on Saturday as OU pretty much dominated the game but like all crappy teams do, they found a way to blow it.  It is ok, because after the first game of the season against BYU, the national championship died and now officially the Big XII title is dead.  Stress is officially off which good except for the fact that it is slowly migrating to the Denver Broncos who I would have bet a LOT of money to get massacred at San Diego.  I think I might be officially on the bandwagon.  Between that and Crabtree showing up to camp, the NFL now has my attention. This was a great week in football visits for Turner.  Had the pleasure of going to the Mecca of Memorial Stadium in Lincoln, NE (site of a future OU loss) and the Blue-turf of Boise.  So many memories (mostly bad) of teams that OU consistently has failed against (damn fumble-ruski and Eric Crouch throw-back pass)…… so with that, I’m glad I’m back to the party with the undefeated Shadow and Super Dave (the man who generously sold me 2 tickets to the Broncos – Pats game at a 40% mark-up… some friend)….

Category is emotional moment that made me cry..…..

Shadow: All the teams I care about are still undefeated and we are a week away from Halloween.  I never would have imagined that would be the case.  The Yanks can wrap up a trip to the Fall Classic with a win tonight over the Halos.  It has been a very good fall for teams of the Shadow. 

 This week’s random Hatred involves anagrams.  The Shadow loves anagrams.  Using the school name and mascot (or city and mascot), whichever team produces the least interesting anagram will be scorned and hated this week while I am hopefully watching Iowa win again on the road at Michigan State and not being stressed about the Broncos since they have a bye.

College:

Louisville @ Cincinnati

SD: You have to love a battle between schools in neighboring states, separated by a few miles and a river. This is sort of like the Red River Shootout without the national title implications (sorry, Bearcats, it’s fun and all but you can go undefeated and still not make the BCS title game – most likely due to the Big East being slightly less competitive than the Mountain West), future pros and less chewing tobacco. Actually, strike that, maybe it is just a different type of chewing tobacco. What I love most about this rivalry, is that it goes beyond state vs. state. This one is city vs. city. Kind of like a bad action movie sequel  – this time it is personal. I get the feeling that Louisville is probably named after either a former monarch somewhere or some dude named Louis whose covered wagon broke down there. Cincinnati on the other hand comes from a Roman guy who left his rural home to become a dictator for a time. Might as well call it Cheney-atti. That is creativity at its finest. Creativity at its worst, is adding cinnamon and chocolate to chili, but despite that, I will cheer on the Bearcats.

Turner: Louisville takes this one…. The story of the father who marched his son around the field so he could be part of the Cardinal Marching band….. wow, still brings me to tears whenever I see the espn clip..  That is dedication and love.   Cincy – well, you had Kenyon Martin so you don’t qualify for anything positive.    Give me the Cardinal

 Shadow: Ill Cadaver Illusions vs. Inert Cannabis Cacti.  Hmmm.  This one is a toughie.  I think I will take the Wacky Weed over the Dead Body.  Go Cacti!  I mean Bearcats!

Texas A&M @ Texas Tech

SD: Or as I like to call it: ‘The Not-the-Longhorns Bowl’. Remember when these teams were actually relevant? For Texas Tech that was just last year. For Texas A&M that was last millennium. Those were good times. This one all comes down to unofficial mascots. For A&M we have a collie which has absolutely nothing to do with being an ‘Aggie’. The Red Raiders have adopted the persona of their odd head coach Mike Leach and taken on a whole pirate thing. At least an SAT question could be fashioned to link Red Raiders and Pirates. Lassie and the Aggies? You got me. Go TTU.

Turner: Here we have the sad memory of the bonfire tragedy or the story of the Red Raider horse go crashing into the wall in the football stadium and killing itself.  At the time, I was very anti-A&M and their stupid traditions.  That dead dog that watches over the scoreboard outside their stadium, them pulling their swords on the SMU cheerleader who walked across their end-zone but the bonfire is actually quite impressive and it was a sad day when that happened despite the stupidity of the situation… I actually cried.   Now the horse story, I hate to say it but after being pummeled by tortillas all game during and SMU / Tech contest, I had really no sympathy for this event.  The Sooner Schooner fell over against the buffs in ’93 and that was sad but at least we didn’t run our horses into a wall…..  Go Border Collies

Shadow: Game Gasses Taxi vs. Excretes Haired Darts.  No one is a fan of flatulent footballers, and excreting darts would be an excellent party trick.  I go with Tech.

NFL:

Green Bay @ Cleveland

SD: “I’ll take ‘Two Cities where I don’t want to spend February’ for $200 Alex”. Having spent just the barest amount of time in both these cities, I feel fairly well qualified to pass judgment. Imagine in your mind, an endless sprawling suburban strip mall set along side a cold lake, with one large ancient looking football stadium set down in the middle of it. You have now been to Green Bay. Now, imagine a long uninterrupted string of renovated and rundown warehouses – some with bars, some with lofts and some with bums squatting in them – set alongside a cold lake with a large rock and roll museum and two new looking stadiums interspersed among them. You have now been to Cleveland. What sounds better to you? Yeah me too. Go Browns.

Turner: This involves actual games… Steve Young to Terrell Owens on the 42 yd pass play to beat the Packs vs. THE DRIVE.  Sad part is that I actually cried with joy and went berserk over that win.  At the time of the drive I was just a bit too young to understand that it was ok to destroy your personal property when celebrating the victory so with this one, I’ll have to go with the Cheeseheads

Shadow: Enrage By Sack Rep  vs. Verb Laden Clowns  I found yet another reason to hate Green Bay…..their name is freaking hard to anagram.  Plus I like thinking of Mangini as a Verb Laden Clown.  Look for the Dogpound gang to take this one.

New Orleans @ Miami

SD: What a shift from the previous match-up. Two cities where you can have lots of fun, get in lots of trouble and not develop hypothermia if you get in the adjoining body of water. South Beach or the French Quarter? Models working on their tans or drunk, southern belles earning beads? Really, either of these locations is a win-win-win (win-win, just didn’t seem adequate) but I will side with New Orleans. While Miami is fun, I just don’t bring enough of the ‘guido’ factor to ever feel completely comfortable there. On the other hand, a button up shirt, dirty white hat and what Clay Travis calls Bama Bangs is really all you need to feel at home in the Big Easy. That is my kind of town. A nice Café Du Monde beignet might even make me feel better about my Noles.

Turner: Hurricane Katrina vs. Hurricane Andrew.   Unfortunately no brainer here.  While Andrew was terrifying, but nothing will ever top Katrina in my lifetime I think…. For that alone, I hope the Saints can pull through this year (unless they play the Broncos in the Big Game!)

So there it is, never know when that next magical or horrific moment will occur…. It even might be when Sam Bradford learns to throw left-handed and wins the Heisman next year!

Shadow: Learns We No Ass Nit  vs. Impish Man Idol (barely squeaked it out over “His Limp Domain”).   I think the entire league would agree that the Saints are no longer anything resembling a parasitic insect on the rear end of the NFL.  Miami on the other hand….oh Miami.  I can’t take any team seriously that starts Chad Henne.  They might as well just run the Wildcat all day long with Brown and White.  Look for the Saints to remain undefeated.

With the official start of the NFL this week we are now back at full speed football season – this week I have a college team, a college fantasy team, an NFL team and a pro fantasy team to cheer on. Four different teams to worry about? That is a lot of stress. Why again have I been pining seven months for the start of football season? Football may be fun, but I am pretty sure I would live a lot longer without it – due to the inordinate amount of stress and the eating of inordinate amount of food that is so unhealthy it is borderline toxic.

However, I need to make the most of these next few football days. I am going to Oktoberfest in Munich next week and staying in Europe for a couple weeks beyond that, so I will be taking a little break from football.

While my Griswoldian vacation may help with my football related stress, I don’t imagine it will help much in the healthy food department.

Anyway, we are back with the full slate of NFL and college games this week. Given, that I have written more this week than Bill Simmons has written since the end of the NBA season, I have one word for my picks this week – brevity.

Before we dive in, Turner and the Shadow have something to say.

 Turner: Hello Readers for Week 2 of the THH.  Despite the Debacle in Dallas and the Torture in Tallahassee, Super Dave and I survived the first week of college football even though it couldn’t have started worse for either of us.  Only Hawkeye Shadow escaped with a ‘win’ (I use that term lightly since it was a D-II, FCS or whatever they call that other league now where you have a compass direction before your mid-western state’s name).  How can being 1.9 quarters into a college football season suddenly make your shoulders slump, oh it is b/c it popped out of joint with the rest of Cherokee Nation.  While OU / BYU made us suffer through 4 quarters of mistake-prone football, FSU and Miami treated us to what hopes to be the return of great SE college football.  Even though the result wasn’t what Super Dave or I wanted, it was a well played game with excitement. OH – and as Super Dave told me, when Miami wins in a given year, that mean OU beats UT.   So despite both our pain, hopefully a mediocre OU team can destroy the **************  (insert any word you like) Longhorn’s dreams.

Shadow: Well, let’s see.  My college team is the only one that managed a win in Week 1, but the Hawkeyes still fell out of the Top 25.  I would say the first game is an okay game to lost if you are going to run the table, but with OU players dropping like flies, and the tough schedule Florida State has…I just don’t see it happening.  Not that Iowa is going to finish with fewer losses than OU or FSU, though.  Could be a long and disappointing year.  On top of that, my hatred is not powerful, as only one of my week 1 prediction’s came to pass.

Have you heard of this new fangled thing called Facebook?  My wife uses it on average 2 hours a day.  I bored of it after about the same amount of usage time.  It was fun to reconnect with old friends, but do I really need to know what people are up at any time, or be subjected to finding out the color of my Aura, which Friends character I am, or have my cell phone charger $2.95 so I can prove I can beat the IQ test score of Britney Spears?  I think not.  For the THH, whichever school or team has more Facebook fans will incur the wrath of my Hatred…not that it means much,***

***Eye Candy Loophole:  when going to the respective Facebook pages to find out their number of fans, if one of the 6 fans they show is super hot, I am allowed to not hate them, even if the pure numbers say I should.

College:

Syracuse @ Penn State

SD: Syracuse quarterback Greg Paulus spent the last four years playing point guard at Duke. Penn State coach Joe Paterno spent the last four years guarding against going dookie in his pants and having people point at him. Advantage: Cuse.

Turner: Ok – a lot of indifference here for Turner.  He pretty much took geography out of it since they are so close, and my hatred of Big East vs. Big 11 is pretty much equal, so I’m going to have to go with the random fact of hate.

Fact of the game:  did you know that they are no longer called the “Orangemen”?  Now they are just the “Orange”.   Really – you name your team after a fruit because “It was done in part as a way to save money, and build brand awareness. Before the change, women’s teams were called the Orangewomen and the various athletic teams had their own logos”.  Seriously, this might be the sign that our economy had taken such a bad turn that it is not recoverable.  Why you name your team after a fruit (and that doesn’t count the Banana slugs), you deserve to be disliked (not hated b/c I like a good Orange – love the vitamin C) more than someone that plays in a place called Happy Valley.  That is just very peaceful.  So for this one, I’ll rally behind Jo Pa and against the wanna-be QB and squeeze the juice.

 Shadow: Syracuse FB Fans:  374 fans,  Penn State FB fans:  92,013 fans (ECLH:  close, there was a picture of two hot girls…if they had been kissing maybe I would have enacted the loophole).  I gladly hate Penn State.  Go Orange.

 East Carolina @ West Virginia

 SD: I have said it before and I will say it again: in a choice between a state that doesn’t actually exist and West Virginia. I choose the state that doesn’t exist.

 Turner: First off, you never go against a Pirate, they will kick your booty.  Second, you don’t go against teams wearing purple, that is why Furman went away from being the Furman University Christian Knights and moved towards the Purple Paladins – or maybe it was the acronym of the former).  And lastly, after a few years ago, I still remember the Fiesta Bowl. Bitter, still very bitter.  Might be the only time in my THH history that I want East to beat West.

 Shadow: East Carolina FB Fans:  1,700 fans.  West Virginia FB Fans:  5,684 fans  (ECLH:  not sure what this says of WVU, but there weren’t any women at all of the 6 fans shown).  Look for the Pirates to beat the Mountaineers.

 NFL:

Miami @ Atlanta

 SD: When Atlanta hosted the 2000 Super Bowl, an ice storm hit the city, Ray Lewis may have killed a guy with a trident and Kurt Warner was the MVP. I spent that weekend in Miami drinking heavily on South Beach, making bad Ace Ventura jokes and eating tacos at 3 in the morning. I won then and I hope the Dolphins win now.

 Turner: Again – major indifference here.   I don’t like Hurricanes, don’t really like beaches, can’t stand humidity and dislike riding MARTA.  This one comes down to who I’d rather sit down and watch on TV and that would be the Falcons.  I like the black and red uniforms, I think Matt Ryan is a stud, their running back has the GREATEST last name, and the dumped Vick.  Without any great reason, I’m going to go against the 85 degrees and thousands of beautiful women for a good three hours of watching a rising team play football.  I really think I need a life….

 Shadow: Miami FB Fans:  304 fans.  Atlanta FB Fans:  2,073 fans.  (ECLH:  apparently on FB, “Hotlanta” it is not).  Ronnie Brown will Wildcat the Dolphins to the win.

 NY Jets @ Houston

SD: Texans offensive coordinator is Kyle Shanahan, son of former Bronco head coach Mike. Jets offensive coordinator is Brian Schottenheimer, son of former Browns and Chargers head coach Marty. Too bad Jack Elway isn’t playing quarterback for Houston. Regardless – go Texans.

 Turner: NY J-E-T-S, JETS, JETS, JETS vs. Houston Texans:   I despise Joe Namath, I don’t like Green and White, and I HATE anything that starts with New York (except cheesecake and pizza).  The only thing that makes this close is the word “Texans” which makes me cringe as well but at least it doesn’t remind me of rats, trash and dead bodies washing up on shore.

 Shadow: Jets FB Fans:  3,832 fans. (ECLH:  We have our first and only enactment of the loophole.  Kerri Barcia was one of the 6 fans shown.  Granted it was kind of a staged “glamour” shot, but she won me over).   Houston FB Fans:  1,074 fans.  Sorry Texans, you need more talent in your FB fanbase.  J-E-T-S, JETS! JETS! JETS!