Rick: How can you close me up? On what grounds?
Captain Renault: I’m shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here!
[a croupier hands Renault a pile of money]
Croupier: Your winnings, sir.
Captain Renault: [sotto voce] Oh, thank you very much.
[aloud]
Captain Renault: Everybody out at once!

- Casablanca

The above is one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite movies. The beauty of it is the simplicity of the joke. No over the top punch line. No pause to let the audience catch up and laugh. Just a basic set-up and understated follow through.

I also love it because of it universal applicability in today’s ultra-hypocritical world. When you look at stars of politics, sports or entertainment, 9 times of out of ten the words coming out of their mouth have the same relationship to truth that I do to Aaron Burr. Remarkably distant at best or non-existent at worst.

No group is more like Captain Renault than college coaches. So this week as college coaches feign shock and disappointment at the presence of professional agents within the members of their team, it is a little hard for me to muster up much sympathy for any of these guys.

Two of the shadiest and most successful recruiters in the NCAA are Lane Kiffin and Nick Saban. Besides both being guys that are willing to forego all semblance of loyalty at the drop of a dime, they have something else in common. They both coached in the NFL. Don’t think this is a coincidence.

Can’t you picture it now? Both of them coming into the small, dilapidated house of a high school recruit and telling him and his parents about all of the players he has put in the NFL and how that recruit has the same attributes of players he saw as successful when he was coaching in the pros?

It isn’t the 1950’s any more. Schools don’t recruit players by promising a letter sweater and a solid education. They offer early playing time and opportunities to get noticed for the NFL. Players in exchange agree to these schools not because of their engineering or pre-med departments (Myron Rolle excluded) but rather as the best avenue for exposure to reach the NFL and make its millions as soon as possible.

Successful college coaches know it is a two-way street: you come to my school and make me millions and I will get you to the NFL so you can make your millions.

Yet, coaches are always outraged when some enterprising agent (or agent’s intermediary) gains access to his players and offers them some of those same luxuries of the NFL that the coach initially promised. Only the agent doesn’t have to wait until their collegiate playing days are over.

These coaches whining and complaining about their sweet, innocent players being corrupted by the horrible influences of agents need to shut up. This is the deal with the devil each coach makes when he brings these players to campus with visions of NFL signing bonuses dancing in their heads. The players know this. The coaches know this. To feign outrage later that some of these players wanted some of those luxuries a little early just plays the rest of us for fools.

The players are just young kids, many from poorer backgrounds. If we are really truthful, how many of us at the age of 19 or 20, if offered money and gifts would be honest enough to turn it down? Not many. Especially if we have come from a background of little.

Coaches on the other hand know exactly what they are doing when they recruit these kids with stories of NFL stardom. If coaches really want to fix the problem, recruit players by extolling the new computer lab in the college of business. It will cut out the players just in it to make their fortunes at the next level. Of course, it will also make your team stink and probably get you fired.

Until then, quit all of your whining about the system you have set up and operated to make your millions when it turns around and bites the hand that fed it.

Just take your winnings, keep quiet and go home.

This past week should have been the best week of football in the entire year, but due to a crazy work schedule, I have been uncharacteristically silent on all that transpired. Just think about all of the football we have seen since last weekend’s NFL games:

 - On Monday, TCU went out and choked under the bright lights and made fools of all of us lobbying that they were deserving of a BCS title shot (or at least a game against Florida to prove themselves). Instead they went out and were dominated by a Boise State defense that gave up 35 points to Louisiana Tech. We did however learn that Chris Petersen and his coaching staff may prepare their team for bowls better than any other coaching staff (see: 2007 Oklahoma Fiesta Bowl, sorry Turner).

- On Tuesday, I saw exactly one play of the Iowa/Georgia Tech game but I am happy that Shadow’s Hawkeyes were the one team all bowl season to defeat a triple-option oriented team. Apparently the Fall of the Shadow has bled into 2010.

- Wednesday night, some directional school from the MAC beat some other school, which actually makes this much like every other Wednesday. Yet another reason Wednesday might be the worst day of the week – it’s only redeeming quality being its Middle School-esque nickname of ‘Hump Day’.

- Thursday night, Alabama won a BCS title (not national title) deserving of an asterisk only slightly larger than the one on Barry Bonds’ home run totals.

- Friday, the Seahawks fired Jim Mora way too soon and ensured that their fan-base has years of disappointment and underachievement ahead of them being coached by Pete Carroll, a guy who won exactly one undisputed national title while coaching the college equivalent of the AFC Pro Bowl team for a decade.

And then as if to rub salt in the wound of work keeping me from enjoying all this great football action I awake this morning to a press release in my in-box announcing January as National Football Month. I don’t know what that means (other than that creepy middle-aged guy driving a 1970’s Camaro delivering pizzas on TV is trying to stage a coup to claim King of Football Food – taking it away from buffalo wings) but it just re-enforced how much work can get in the way of enjoying football. Damn you, employment.

All of this is a long way of pointing out that the NFL games this weekend sort of suck. After days and days of interesting football games (or so I was told) we are stuck with a slate of games that not even their own fan bases can get excited about – even if we hadn’t seen 3 of them all of 6 days ago.

So as a protest against these ugly games, we are boycotting the Hierarchy of Hate this weekend. If you need advice on who to cheer on – well, for one game (Bengals/Jets) just scroll down and read last week’s THH. For the other games, I advice cheering for games strictly based on potential match-ups later in the playoffs.

Cardinals vs. Packers? Obviously the prospect of a Favre / Packers re-rematch should be enticing enough to put you in green and yellow this weekend. For weeks, I have maintained that the poor Vikings fans have a devastating home loss to look forward to in the playoffs. Could it be even sweeter if that came at the hands of the Packers? Circle of Life my friends. That Elton John fellow knows a lot about the NFL for a gay Englishman.

Patriots vs. Ravens? Do I really need to stay anything more than 4^th and Two the Sequel:  No More Punts? Yes, if they beat the Ravens and then the Chargers and we could be looking at the Pats going back into Indy, this time with the AFC title on the game. Give me that over another one of those boring Steeler/Raven AFC title games any day.

As for Eagles/Cowboys – well, either team playing New Orleans would be interesting, so let’s agree to cheer for the Eagles just because it is so much fun to hear and joke about how the Cowboys and Tony Romo can’t win in the playoffs. I have already lost making fun of Tebow and Gary Danielson’s special relationship. Don’t take this away from me too.

In a week where I miss the best football of the year because of 15 hour work days, I need some sort of joy in my life.

In a week with more than one football game every single day (with most of them not involving a MAC team for once), it seemed only appropriate to send out 2009 with a special two-part Hierarchy of Hate. Today, we tell you who to cheer for in the Bowl games and follow it up later this week with the picks for the final weekend of NFL football.

With all of these bowl games there are a lot of teams you may not know much about and therefore are not clear as to whether you cheer for or against. You don’t want to make the rookie mistake of inadvertently cheering for a team full of criminals led by a coach completely full of himself. Sure, you could just not cheer for Tennessee and minimize the chance this happens but that isn’t nearly as fun as following our guidance in the THH.

As has become my own little holiday tradition, we are picking this year’s bowl game match-ups based on college football and bowl game history. Because if there is anything we should keep in mind heading into a new year it is that those who don’t know history are destined to repeat it.

Therefore, here is your college football history edition THH. The instructions are simple. Pick your team based on how you answer each question.

(Note: All years based on regular season, not the year of the bowl game – for all of you anal rule sticklers out there.)

Shadow: Does anyone else find it interesting that in the wake of SMU returning to a bowl, and winning it no less, that Craig James is in the spotlight this week at the center of the Mike Leach firing?  Interesting footnote gleaned from his Wikipedia page:  his real name is Jesse.  Seriously.  Really.  Maybe outlaws are revered in Jacksonville (TX), but in my opinion, certain names need to be removed from eligible parental selection (see:  Manson, Charles; Bundy, Ted; Weed, Richard).  But I digress.  We are supposed to be here commenting on Bowl Season, and I am stoked that in a little less than a week I can either be on top of the world with Iowa finally breaking through and winning a BCS bowl game, or I can be preparing some sort of vigorous defense against Super Dave’s eventual Big-Slow-Big 10 versus Lithe-Fast-ACC/SEC argument.  At least Wisconsin managed to shock the world and beat the Hurricanes.  Score one for Big-Slow Midwestern schools.  BTW, one last SMU note, and I will be the first to admit (and have to Turner and SD several times) that I am very bad at knowing where NFL players went to college if it wasn’t Iowa….but I had no idea that Craig James and Erik Dickerson shared the same backfield and were nicknamed the “Pony Express”.   I really love the Internet…now if I could only get one of those new fangled iPhone thingies so I could look up random junk on Google no matter where I was. 

Alabama vs. Texas: better national championship upset: 1992 Sugar Bowl or 2005 Rose Bowl

SD: I have been thinking about that 1992 Sugar Bowl a lot lately, with the recent ESPN documentary on The U bringing back to mind those late 80’s/early 90’s Cane teams. One of things that most bothered me about the documentary was its faulty conclusion that the 1991 team really signified the end of the Cane dynasty. That, to me, is revisionist history seen through rose-colored glasses. It completely ignores the 1992 team that dominated the entire season and was viewed just as unstoppable as all the previous Cane teams. That 1992 team even gave us the Gino Torretta Memorial Heisman – which is no small feat by itself. That 1992 Alabama team was just a nice story – the resurrection of the once-mighty Crimson Tide for a surprise trip to the National championship where though being the popular sentimental favorite of old-timey sportswriters nostalgic for Bear Bryant they would be wiped out by the mighty Canes. Thankfully, this Tide team didn’t care about history and went out and dominated the Canes. While Vince Young and the Longhorns beating the USC team that had won the previous title over Oklahoma by a score of 437-4 (approximately) was surprising, the Trojans hadn’t approached the level of dominance those Canes teams had. Sorry, Texas – Roll Tide!

Turner: It has to be the running Vince Young’s on this one.  While Miami was a favorite to win, the Crimson Tide had run the SEC and won the first ever SEC Championship game.  Meanwhile, the MIGHTY USC Trojans couldn’t be beat.  The Longhorns were a 1 dimensional team that couldn’t stay on the field with USC.  Vince Young (puke) proved them otherwise.  Despite my credit to UT on this one, I’ll go against SD’s direction and hope that Alabama kicks the holy *******  *******  ******** ******* out of Texas. I HATE THEM.  HATE HATE HATE HATE.  I hope Bama shoves things so far up Jordan Shipley’s a$$ that Colt won’t be able to access it for years.

Shadow: Any game that can shed a harsh light on the travesty that is the Heisman voting (I am also looking at you Jason White in the 2004 Sugar Bowl) is something I like to see.  It was fun to see Gino and his Hurricane mates suck against Bama.  However, the 2005 Rose Bowl will always be one of those games that springs to mind when I think of truly great games that I have watched.  I had some personal hatred going into the game because of what USC did to Iowa in 2002, but it was just an awesome game that had virtually everything a college football fan could want (including some great defensive plays, despite a game featuring 79 points scored).  For that reason, I will actually have to pull for Texas….in one of the few scenarios SD probably could have come up with to make me lean that way.

Arizona vs. Nebraska: More enjoyable defeat of the Miami Hurricanes in a Bowl Game: 1993 Arizona Desert Swarm in Fiesta Bowl or 1994 Nebraska in the Orange Bowl

SD: People forget this now but for the longest time the Cornhsukers were the Buffalo Bills of the NCAA. Between a title in 1971 and their Orange Bowl win after the 1994 season, the Huskers seemed to always be in the national title hunt yet always fall short. Whether it was the Canes stopping them on that 2 point conversion in 1984 or FSU beating them in the 1993 national title game the Huskers always rode a weak schedule and Tom Osborne’s popularity to high rankings before ultimately losing in a marquee bowl game. Not sure about you, but I like the story of lovable losers. Just think how unsufferable Charlie Brown would have been if Lucy had let him kick that football. Every sport needs the ‘close but not quite’ team. Look at what has happened in baseball since the Red Sox won in 2004. I am cheering for Arizona. The desert swarm was a humorous side story for one season, before the Wildcats returned to their rightful place as a basketball only school. You know how, when baseball players first come up to the majors, they have an inordinate amount of success until the major league pitchers see enough of them to know how to pitch them? Those couple weeks of great hitting were the 1993 Arizona football team. I will take a fluke over the end of a long suffering fan base any day.

Turner: First off, this was back when the Fiesta Bowl was the “IBM OS/2 Fiesta Bowl”… I am so f***** old.  I do remember the desert swarm shutting out The U.  That was certainly great but being from Big XII country and HATING everything that Miami stood for (because they beat the crap out of OU every year in the Orange Bowl), I was really rooting for Neb in this one.  I had / have so much respect and admiration for Tommie Frazier and that running offense, plus knowing that Cory Schlesinger would be subjected to years in Detroit made it even a better story. R.I.P. Brooks Berringer (why Kyle Orton wears #8)  Good ol’ Tom Osborne got his National Championship and the U got sent home (albeit just a few miles away)

Shadow: Another set of Hurricane letdowns.  Although I would like to reward Nebraska under gutsy heralded Brooks Berringer, I just can’t overlook a defense that ended Miami’s 15 year run without being shut out.  I guarantee there is no way anyone in the Miami locker room thought they couldn’t score on Arizona…Desert Swarm or no Desert Swarm.  It is always fun to watch Miami lose, and especially nice to see them shut out.

Northwestern vs. Auburn: which team was a better Cinderella story: 1993 Auburn or 1995 Northwestern

SD: It is lost to the annals of time now, but Terry Bowden almost became the black sheep of the Bowden family a decade before Jeff Bowden ultimately did. In Terry’s first season coaching Auburn he led his team to an undefeated season, which could have in theory kept FSU from playing for the national title and winning Bobby his first national title. Thankfully, like most SEC schools Auburn was cheating. Unfortunately, unlike most SEC schools, they were caught and on probation that season. The 1995 Northwestern team was more like the 1993 Arizona team. An anomaly of a team for a school known for things other than football. Interestingly, while the Auburn team was on probation, this Northwestern team was coached by Gary Barnett who would help change the expectations of all campus hostesses while at CU years later by installing a culture that could be most charitably described as Bunny Ranch-esque. I can’t reward that kind of behavior. Well, unless benefitting directly from it. Instead, in honor of Terry’s memory I will cheer on Auburn. I guess those poor kids from Northwestern will have to make themselves feel better by getting high paying jobs and spitting on the Auburn grads, cleaning their wastebaskets each night.

Turner: This one has to be the ’95 NW Wildcats.  While Auburn did unexpectedly go undefeated and beat two top 11 teams (‘Bama and UF), they had tradition, a decent recruiting base, and at least the facilities and players to compete.  Meanwhile the tiny NW Wildcats showed up with an actor for a RB (Darnell Autry) and the fierce Pat Fitzgerald at LB they were almost destined to even with the Rose Bowl.  This team sticks out in my mind as being glued to the Rose Bowl just hoping that the small / smart school could pull it off (please note, I was at SMU at this time so I was living through NW this season).  Plus, them beating Mighty Notre Dame just makes every season a success for me

Shadow: Auburn

I had never thought about it before, but it seems pretty obvious now. The Athletic Directors of the major conferences that make up the BCS are fans of 1990’s rap. Whether it was Deion Sanders’ ”Must be the Money” or P. Diddy/Puff Daddy’s “All about the Benjamins”, the AD’s that decide the BCS bowls clearly only care about making money for themselves and their major conference constituents.

It is no secret that after the BCS Title game, all other bowl games are typically slotted based on maximizing the revenue of the individual bowls. Teams with large, active fan bases or teams with major national followings always get the nod over the up-and-coming, unknown feel-good story (see: Notre Dame, BCS appearances: 2005, 2006). However, this year the AD’s not only set up the bowls to make money this year but they also went to an extraordinary effort to ensure that those pesky non-BCS conference teams are marginalized as much as possible.

I am speaking specifically about the Fiesta Bowl match-up of Boise State and TCU. This is the biggest cop out in the history of the BCS. Every year we have a team or two from the non-BCS conferences that argue they are as good as the big boys. This year we have two of those. Yet, rather than matching them against BCS conference foes to help settle the debate, the geniuses at the BCS committee matched them up against themselves which proves….well nothing except that the BCS committee is scared to death of their mighty conferences getting taken down by another upstart.

After seeing Bama trounced by Utah last year and Boise’s miracle against OU a few years ago, the last thing the BCS committee needs is another proof point that says they can’t treat the WAC and Mountain West as second class citizens. If pollsters and the public begin to believe that those conferences have teams as strong as the major conferences, then the BCS committee fears the day when we will be arguing for a one-loss BYU team over a two-loss USC or Florida team.

Given that the members of the BCS represent those very same major conference teams, it is obviously in their best interests (of their conferences and the guys who want to keep their jobs) to get as many major conference teams in – which means keeping non-major conference teams out. If it is proven that those teams are as strong as the major conference teams, then the BCS as set up spirals into self-destruction. What happens to their precious BCS championship if TCU goes into the Sugar Bowl and routs an uninspired, disjointed and dispirited Florida team?

No, the only way to ensure that the non-BCS teams remain second class citizens and therefore can be routinely overlooked and marginalized is to just pit them against each other. Then the winner of that game is no more important than the winner of the Best Supporting Actor Oscar.

For the record, I think Boise State would get trounced by any of the other major conference BCS teams – sort of like Hawaii a couple years ago; they played an incredibly weak schedule and gave up way too many points.

But I sure would like to be able to prove it.

On to some other thoughts from Championship Saturday:

- Obviously we have to start with UF/Bama. I can’t remember a more dominating performance by a college team over another highly ranked team. There was literally only one time in the entire game where I thought UF would win. After UF scored to make it 12-10 Bama, I made the assumption that this is when UF takes over and Bama folds like a cheap lawn chair. But on the next offensive play, Mark Ingram took a perfectly called screen pass 69 yards and Bama scored a play later. After that, UF never had a chance, the Tebow Crying group was formed on Facebook and I spent all Monday morning trading emails with funny pictures of Tebow crying on the sidelines. Really, it was a perfect game in every way.

- This despite the best efforts of Gary Danielson. They often say Tebow wills his team to victory. On Saturday, Danielson was the one willing the Gators. For three quarters, he kept claiming this game was similar to last year’s when Bama lost a 3-point lead going into the 4^th quarter. Except this time it was a 13-point lead and Bama had been utterly dominant on both offense and defense the entire game. Other than that, it was the exact same Gary.

- Mark Ingram will probably win the Heisman this weekend but shouldn’t it be taken into consideration that (1) he wasn’t most the important reason Bama won this game and (2) there is a decent chance he isn’t the best player at his position on his own team. After watching Alabama the last two weeks, I am convinced if Tony Richardson was given the ball instead of Ingram, he would have as good if not better stats than Ingram. Can we really reward a guy with the Heisman for just being first string?

- While Ingram is at the podium next weekend in New York I hope he thanks his quarterback and offensive coordinator. This game was won by Greg McElroy’s flawless playing and the play-calling of offensive coordinator Jim McElwain. McElroy did more than was asked of him, making perfect passes and even taking off on two clutch runs that may have been the difference in the game (or as only Gary Danielson would say “he out-Tebowed Tebow”). Combine his flawless execution with McElwain’s play-calling and UF never had a chance. The UF defense was unprepared the entire game – except for one Wildcat play in the first quarter that (not so coincidentally) led to a three and out by Bama. After that play, UF never knew what was coming. Each new drive brought a new wrinkle and UF was reacting one step late all day.

- Each year there is a question of conference superiority and each year I argue against the SEC. Well, I may need to change that stance this year. Did you see that halftime contest of throwing footballs into giant Dr. Pepper cans? At the SEC game, a female med student from Bama hit 9 of 10 to beat a taunting, idiot from Gainesville (is there any other kind?) who made 8. In the Big Twelve game later, a woman from Nebraska won by making 2 over a woman from Texas who made zero.  9 to 8 versus 2 to 0? That sums up the SEC versus the Big Twelve better than I ever could.

- Speaking of the Big 12, am I the only one that was underwhelmed by Texas needing a last second field goal to beat a team with possibly the worst offense in America? Seriously, Nebraska had a better chance of winning if they had just punted on first down every time they got the ball to get their defense back on the field. The Bizarro Bama offense combined poor execution (my 70-year old mother has a more accurate arm than Zac Lee) with poor play-calling. Isn’t the definition of insanity doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result? Then what do you call a coordinator who calls the same off-tackle running play, 3 times every offensive series for an entire game when it didn’t work once?

- Last week, a local columnist here in Denver wrote an article arguing that Nebraska defensive lineman Ndamukong Suh deserves the Heisman. I thought it was just precious – like when a little girl asks for a Unicorn for Christmas. That changed on Saturday night, when Suh took over the Big Twelve title game. Really his only two mistakes were not lobbying to come in to play quarterback for Nebraska and rushing McCoy on that final play. If he hangs back, McCoy absolutely runs the clock out. The imminent Suh sack was the only reason McCoy threw the ball out of bounds when he did, saving the one second Texas needed to make it into the title game.

- The other Heisman trophy candidate who really stood out to me on Saturday was C.J. Spiller. If a Heisman candidate rushes for 230 yards and 4 touchdowns in a conference title game and no one sees it, did it actually happen? How mad is C.J. today that someone decided the schedule the ACC title game opposite the Big Twelve title game? He has a true statement game, and yet I am pretty sure no one outside the Atlanta/Clemson corridor watched more than a snap.

- I guess rather than complaining about all the deserving players that won’t win the Heisman (see: Suh, Ndamukong; Gerhart, Toby; Spiller, C.J., Ponder, Christian…ok, just testing to see if you are paying attention), we should congratulate Mark Ingram on being the first running back to win a Gino Torretta memorial ‘best player on the best team’ Heisman award this year. Groundbreaking indeed.

And only fitting that our Heisman trophy winner, much like our BCS Title game, was chosen more based on uniform than qualifications.

You may remember this past summer, when Michael Jackson and Steve McNair died in the span of just a few days, I wrote a column about how the way someone dies shouldn’t overshadow the way they lived.

Well, in a slightly less lethal way, I was reminded of that lesson this week. You see, Mickey Andrews confirmed the worst kept secret in Tallahassee not involving Charlie Crist’s sex life. After 26 years with the Noles, Andrews, the defensive coordinator is retiring. While the myopic may look at the Noles giving up 34, 28, 44, 27 and 42 points already this season and say ‘well, he was going whether he wanted to or not’, it is only appropriate to take a step back and appreciate Andrews’ entire career.

Not only was Andrews’ defense the real key to making the Noles the best team in college football  for about a decade and a half (quick – how many quarterbacks can you name for the Noles from 1987 – 2000?) but he also helped teach some of the greatest defensive players in the game. Deion Sanders, Derrick Brooks – two of the best players at their position in the history of the sport learned from Andrews. And, given their off-the-field personalities, it is pretty clear Andrews is not a coach that requires mindless automatons unlike some other less flexible coaches. Add in other players like Terrell Buckley, LeRoy Butler, Marvin Jones, Pete Boulware, Bryant McFadden, Chris Hope, Lawrence Timmons, Darnell Dockett, Antonio Cromartie – Andrews has been responsible for more great players than Nick Saban, Pete Carroll and Jim Tressell combined.

While I may mock and curse the Noles disappointing performance this year, that doesn’t mean I have anything but respect for Mickey. So, enjoy your retirement Mickey.

Next year, you can join the rest of us in complaining about the Noles disappointing performance.

While, I am stuck working in San Francisco for the weekend, Turner and the Shadow have roadtripped to Lincoln for the OU/NU game. Sadly, they are only 24 years too late for it to really matter but never-the-less I am probably the first person mad to be stuck in San Francisco rather than Lincoln for the weekend.

Turner: Wednesday Nov 5^th:

From 30,000 feet above the great beige landscape of Wyoming, we are coming to you with the weekly edition of THH.  I’m a bit concerned about our readership as no one asked the question of why there were no NFL games?  I’m sure SuperDave will admit to his careless attention to detail and lack of focus of quality on this over-read blog.

The week thus far has consisted of Boise, ID.  Let me tell you of the GREATEST invention ever….Fry Sauce…… I will likely be starting a “frysauceblog” to rate and gather scientific information about the concoction of mayonnaise, ketchup, paprika, and horseradish (just one recipe) that might be the most heavenly thing since, well, hmmmmmm……. I’m not sure if there is a comparison.   Apparently this is a Northwest (or at least Idaho) thing.  Every restaurant has their own recipe and fast food restaurants carry it as part of their standard condiment package.  As the Shadow will attest, I found this one of the most amazing creations ever created.  So I have a new endeavor in life, and that is to spread the greatness of Fry Sauce to the rest of America.  If you haven’t tried, please use this opportunity to experience the essence of why food was put on this earth.   A condiment that can double as ‘soup’ and be eaten alone is truly a National Treasure.   

If you are a facebook aficionado (like SuperDave just became!) please visit the official site…

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Fry-Sauce/74421423291?v=feed&story_fbid=116075066313

Thursday Nov 6^th:

We aren’t quite in the air any more and we aren’t quite ready for football picks… We just passed the sign on Interstate 80 for the Original Pony Express Station somewhere in Western Nebraska.  The Shadow is flying at 80 mph in our Pontiac G6 while we listen to his variety of Taylor Swift, Def Leopard, Michael Jackson, and Tiffany.  Yes, I’m stuck in this silver bullet absolutely dying right now.  He took control of the radio and will not relinquish it.  The other issue I’m facing is that the Shadow will not turn on the in-car circulation and if you have every been to NE Colorado or Western Nebraska (or any of Nebraska), the putrid smell of cow manure has officially been absorbed into my OKC Thunder T-shirt and hair follicles.  I’m pretty sure if I’m suggest to a drug test over the next 6 months, I might fail b/c what has been absorbed into my system….. With that I must quickly supply a very short explanation b/c I am losing all oxygen b/c I officially can not breathe. This might be the last you’ll ever hear from me so I’m giving the Shadow my credentials to send this message upon my death.  It has been a good ride…. MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Shadow: People always give me crap for being a Yankee fan.  My first actual memories of baseball are from the Bucky Dent game in 1978, when I was 6 years old and sitting in the kitchen watching a tiny black and white TV with my dad, who was a big Yankees fan.  It was only natural that I would become one as well, and as I have told many friends over the years, I had to go from 1978-1996 before I got to witness another World Series victory, so don’t give me any sh*t about being some late ’90′s bandwagoner.  That being said, I am lucky enough to have gotten to enjoy 5 titles in the last 13 years, and have enjoyed every minute of it.  The Yankees have the most money, blah, blah, blah, blah.  Yeah, and I wish Iowa could recruit blue chips from the Southeast or California or Texas.   Every sport, although maybe Pro Football the least, has some sort of talent disparity, if not payroll disparity.  Get over it.  Okay, now that the rant is out of the way, I can try and summon up the hatred.

College

LSU @ Alabama

SD: This week, rather than coming up with some obscure reason to pick rooting interests in games no one actually cares about, we are entering the heavyweight division. We are picking the two biggest games of the week. First stop Tuscaloosa. I could argue that I am picking LSU because I don’t think Alabama can beat UF and I want to minimize the inevitable win for UF in the SEC title game. I could say that rather than hearing about Bama and UF playing a playoff game for the BCS title game in the SEC title game will drive me insane and a foregone conclusion of LSU losing again to UF would be much easier to digest. I could argue all of these things but really I am cheering for LSU because I have always felt that the fans of Baton Rouge were kindred spirits and even more importantly, because I would love to get more kindred with the female spirits of LSU, if you know what I mean. Oh yeah, and I hate Nick Saban.

Turner: Air Boats and Creole over Winnebago’s and BBQ

Shadow: With my Hawkeyes perched where they have never flown before in the BCS standings, it is only natural that all of my hatred is squarely focused on the three teams ahead of them, one of which is the Crimson Tide.  Every week I am hoping for a loss from Bama, and every week I am disappointed.  I am pulling for the Tigers here.

Ohio State @ Penn State

SD: In just about every other year, this game would be to decide who gets to go to the Rose Bowl (or BCS Title game) and get slaughtered by a more athletic team from the west or south. This year, however – thanks to Shadow’s boys from the creatively named Iowa City –  it is really only to decide who will take the lead in the recruiting battle for some ‘athletic’ (meaning athletic relative to the rest of his state) high school senior from either Ohio or Pennsylvania that will be the next savior of the Big Ten to come in and not really do much. Call it the Terrelle Pryor bowl. So, which fanbase takes the lead in the sweepstakes to mutter ‘damn, another fumble, at least it wasn’t another interception’ each week for the next half-decade? I will go with Ohio State only because it is always fun to watch Kirk Herbstreit try and rationalize how OSU is athletic enough this year to compete, when they never are.

Turner: On this one, the pick is for the Shadow… We need to fully root for PSU on this one so that in the event that Iowa ‘may’ (but definitely won’t) stumble against Ohio State in 2 weeks, the Hawkeyes still get to go to the Rose Bowl (with easy wins against Northwestern and Minnesota!!)  Ideally, they will be undefeated but this White Out win at least will guarantee the Rose Bowl for the Shadow, which he said he would attend!

Shadow: This one is going to be very petty and very self-serving.  I want Iowa to go undefeated.  If that is not going to happen, then I want them to win the Big 10 and play in the Rose Bowl for only the 3rd time while I have been cognizant of college football.  Both of the last two times (1985 and 1990) were utter failures.  I want them to go to the Rose Bowl and kick the ass of some Pac-10 team like we kick the ass of SEC teams in bowls.  We hold a win over Penn State.  We play Ohio State next week.  If Penn State beats Ohio State, then technically we could still lose to Ohio State and win the Big 10 based on them having 2 losses and us owning a win over Penn State.  So for this weekend, I am totally a supporter of Linebacker U.

NFL

Tennessee @ San Francisco

SD: My secret theme this week in the NFL is simple. Music. We are again visiting Tennessee (or the middle) but this time they are representing country music. San Fran, of course, is the home or adopted home of almost every important 60’s band. Despite reading Chuck Klosterman’s chapter on the retrospectively weird Garth Brooks /Chris Gaines experiment last week, I have to go with San Francisco. The Dead or the Gaitlin Brothers? Minnie Pearl or Janice Joplin? Grand Ole Opry or the Fillmore? Hee Haw or the Electic Kool Aid Acid Test? Please.

Turner: Pull my pants down for this one, Niners roll!!! 

Shadow: Vince Young versus Alex Smith.  Vince Young went to Texas.  Alex Smith was coached by Urban Meyer.  Vince Young singlehandedly beat Michigan and USC in back to back years on New Years Day.  Alex Smith led Utah to its only undefeated season ever.  Vince Young won a national title.  Alex Smith and Utah were one of the first “BCS Busters”.  Sense a trend here?  Exactly…we must focus on their college careers because each has been pretty much a bust to this point in the pros.  But both have another chance to grab the reins and turn their careers around.  How can we hate that?  We love second chance stories.  Call this one a push.

Detroit @ Seattle

SD: Motown versus the grunge movement. Well, next time I get home I will probably put on a flannel and I have several Pearl Jam songs on my Ipod. Does that answer your question as to which I am picking?

Turner: This one is for the Java, my operating system, and rain over gun-shots and….  Hmmm……Eminem??   Go ‘hawks!! 

Shadow: KISS versus Nirvana.  Pontiac Silverdome versus the Kingdome.   Starbucks coffee versus Little Caesar’s pizza.  How sucky would it be to have to be in Detroit where they hold one out of every 8 Super Bowls or so, and know that your team is far, far, far, far away from ever getting to the big dance, and there are no signs of a turnaround?   But, you know what…..I just really, really hate the Seahawks throwback jerseys.  More like throw-up jerseys.  Blecch.  Let’s see if the Lions can shock the world and double their win total to ’2′.

Achilles was an ancient Greek warrior. The son of King Peleus and the Nymph Thetis, his mother decided upon birth to make him immortal by dipping him in the River Styx. Unfortunately for him, his mother had to hold on to him and chose to grasp him by his ankles while being dipped. Thus, his ankle was sheltered from the waters of the river and remained mortal.

Naturally, in the midst of a battle during the Trojan war, an arrow struck him in his mortal ankle and he died. What is not explained by Homer in his re-telling of this story in the Illiad is how an arrow to the ankle is fatal, though obviously extremely painful (see that scene in the movie Pet Sematary and see how you react when Mr. Munster gets a scalpel to that heel from that little kid under the bed).

This ancient story has had several effects on society today. The tendon running down the back of our heel is still called the Achilles; the mere thought of the severing (or the gloriously, icky technical term ‘rupture’) of the Achilles makes grown men weak and the band Styx is now considered immortal.

One of these is not true.

It also has one other outcome, one that is a little more pertinent to our discussion today than the band that brought us Come Sail Away. A person’s or team’s weakness is often referred to as their Achilles Heel.

Watching football this weekend, I realized that all the great college and pro teams have a weakness. Whether an opponent ever exploits it or not, it is there. Keep that in mind each time they enter a battle for the rest of the season.

Let’s cover the college kids today, and return in a day or so with the pros

Florida – Even as the Gators defeat of Mississippi State this past week seemed inevitable from the opening kick-off, the fact that the worst team in the SEC (located in Starkville, the most depressing, yet accurately descriptively named college town in the country) hung with them for most of the game, demonstrated that the Gators aren’t invincible. In short, a poor offensive line has a domino-like effect on the rest of their offense. Defenses are stacking the line to shut down the inside running game that the Gators live on but unlike in previous years, they don’t have the playmakers to get open downfield. Tebow also doesn’t have the time to wait, as he is constantly scrambling and running for his life. The only offensive weapon to counteract this – the 3-step drop, rhythm passing game – seems to be as gone from Gainesville as Dan Mullen – coincidence?

Not so coincidentally this also exposed Tebow’s biggest weakness – his inability to let a play go and live to play another day. Having so much success for so long, Tebow refuses to give up on a play, scrambling from rushers, forcing passes, etc. This ends up leading to the occasional Gary Danielson pants-wetting play but it also leads to turnovers. The really great quarterbacks get rid of the ball and turn a 10 yard sack into an incompletion rather than a 100-yard interception for a touchdown.

Apparently when Tebow was dunked in the River Styx he was held by his brain.  

Alabama – Much like their SEC compatriots down in Gainesville, the Tide’s weakness rests on the offensive side. Frankly, they have an inexperienced quarterback and don’t seem to be able to pass the ball effectively. As defenses increasingly shut down Mark Ingram running the ball, the pressure comes on Greg McElroy to move the chains with his arm. With blanket coverage on He-man Julio Jones can he do that? Against a mediocre Tennessee team, he certainly didn’t. How will he do against LSU and Florida?

Sidenote: A quick tangent. When did a 40+ yard field goal become a gimme? A week after the Vikings nearly blew a game by trying to run out the clock to kick a 40-yard field goal with 2 minutes to play. This week, Tennessee gets to around the 30 yard line with over 30 seconds left and rather than taking a couple shots to shorten the field goal attempt for their shaky kicker (who already had a blocked FG and a missed 47-yarder on the day), they just stood around and let the clock run. Why? Contrast that with Clemson who was in the exact same situation 30 minutes later. The tigers kept the momentum going and got down to the 10-yard line for real gimme field goal that propelled them to OT where they beat THE U. Hey Lane Kiffin, why don’t you shut up whining to the media for a moment or two and realize your conservative, idiotic coaching was what cost your team the game.

Texas – I know Texas won convincingly this week, so I will go back to the OU game. As they are starting to find a consistent running game, the field should get opened up for Colt McCoy and his BFF Jordan Shipley to start completing more passes downfield. But, Texas has another problem – sloppiness. The Horns are plagued by turnovers and penalties. There are only so many weeks when you can overcome your own mistakes through sheer talent. UF almost lost at home to Arkansas due to turnovers – if the Horns start Plaxico-ing themselves with penalties and turnovers can they overcome them (for example) at a hostile Oklahoma State stadium?

Iowa – While I was cheering on the Hawkeyes and am thrilled that the ‘Autumn of the Shadow’ continues unabated, their performance at Michigan State certainly raised some concerns. I saw the Hawkeyes get inside the 10-yard line on 3 separate occasions. A combination of Pat Buchanan-esque play calling and poor run blocking kept them out of the end zone on 9 of 10 plays. Luckily, they were outside the 5-yard line on that final game winning drive so they were forced to think beyond the “does the back go over the left or right guard?” play-calling that plagued their other two drives earlier in the 4^th quarter.

USC – USC is the most talented team in the country. When they are playing at their best, they are pretty much unbeatable – as they have been for the last several years. Unfortunately, they just don’t play at their best all that often. They seem to believe that opponents cower at the mere sight of the little dude on their helmets, rather than snickering at jokes about Trojans. In the last two weeks, they have squandered at least a 20-point lead in the second half before barely hanging on to win against lesser teams. If Pete Carroll could get his team motivated to play an entire game every week we could be looking a team that is on a John Wooden like run of national titles. Instead every year we have the same conversation: during the season we will wonder which week the Trojans will forget to show up and get shocked by a middle of the pack Pac-10 team and then come Bowl time we will loudly proclaim the Trojans as probably the best team in the country. Much is made of Pete Carroll’s laid-back California style, but no one ever asks if it is too laid-back. A coach instilling some discipline might have actually won more than 1 national title with the talent he has on hand every year.

As for the other contenders (Boise State, TCU, Cincinnati), they all have the same fatal flaw – a disrespected and underachieving conference. I don’t care how good they may appear on the field when you are playing the equivalent of Triple-A each week (or single-A in the case of Boise State’s embarrassing schedule), you don’t get much respect from SEC-brain washed pollsters.

Is it really fair to call a schedule of cream puffs a team’s Achilles heel? I am sure Achilles himself would have preferred a slightly lesser opponent back in the day.