We have reached the point in the season where all football fans fall into one of four categories.

The first group is the Confetti Orderers; fans whose teams look so strong that they can’t help but envision their team lifting a trophy while they reign down confetti on the heads of their friends. However, given the large percentage of these people that live in Wisconsin, they might want to also start envisioning a daily stroll around the block so that they don’t die of a heart attack from too many brats and beers before that moment gets here.

The second group are the Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dahs; fans of teams that came into season with low expectations but have shown just enough promise that even if they aren’t championship caliber this season, they are competitive, fun and promise such a bright future that the fans feel like there are cartoon birds whistling around their heads all the time. These fans celebrate wins and shrug off losses – but always keep a grin on their face that makes them look like they just spent the night with Sophia Vergara.

I hate these people.

The third group are the Depressed Fishermen; fans of teams that have already failed and show little sign of improvement. These are the people that will constantly point to a close loss as the highlight of the season – the ‘one that got away’. Football fans, they still want to watch the season but every win by a rival or discussion of a loss by their team is like an X-acto knife to the shoulder.

If you can’t tell, this is where I sit. I will spend the rest of the year talking about the FSU’s loss to Oklahoma and how it changed the entire season and the miracle Tebow comeback against the Chargers that fell one mad scramble short of victory.

The Final Group are the Walking Dead; fans of teams so awful and depressing they have already given up on the season and spent more time last weekend thinking about Kim Kardashian’s wedding than football.

No matter which group you fall in as a fan though, you are still better off than another group about to get several new members: the Ex-Coaches. No, not a gang of bank robbers wearing rubber masks of Rich Rodriguez, Jim Tressell, Ralph Friedgen and Eric Mangini, but rather coaches that have been fired for having an underperforming team. Now is the time of year when this party grows by a few new members as owners and A.D.s get fed up with poor performance and decide now is time to make a change.

In honor of this soon-to-be-larger group, that is our theme for this week’s THH. Each match-up consists of 2 teams formerly coached the same person. Our question: which team would that ex-coach cheer for?

College:

Colorado vs. Washington (Rick Neuheisel)

I like to think when Rick Neuheisel left CU to take the job at UW he re-created one of my favorite movie scenes:

“I came to Washington for the sunshine.”

“But Rick, it rains here 9 months of the year.”

“I was mis-informed.”

Instead he left CU for the money and access to west coast players. Rick was fired from UW over money as well; in particular, his willingness to bet large amounts of it on a March Madness bracket. Credit where it is due though, Rick seems like the type of guy that picks lots of upsets – I bet he had a 10 seed in the Final Four. After that acrimonious exit, I think Rick is cheering on CU this weekend. Like when Steve Guttenberg left the Police Academy series, neither has ever been the same without the other.

Miami vs. UNC (Butch Davis)

When Davis was fired from UNC a couple months ago, I tweeted several times about how no coach has gotten a greater reputation from fewer results than Davis. He helped resurrect Miami after probation but after he left UM, Larry Coker went to 2 straight national title games – and he might have been dead for part of the second season. Davis went to Cleveland and proceeded to almost have a winning record. At UNC he had more talent than nearly team in the country (based on the NFL draft) and never did better than lose 4 games. In short, he turned around bad teams and made them mediocre, sort of like Ashton Kutcher’s impact on sitcoms. Since the U was where Davis first gained a reputation and its continued mediocrity makes him look retroactively better I think he cheers for them on Saturday.

NFL

San Francisco vs. Detroit (Steve Mariucci)

Until Jim Harbaugh commuted up the peninsula from Stanford and turned the Niners from annual underachievers into a legitimate force, Mariucci was the last successful coach at Candlestick Park; taking the Niners to the playoffs four times. In Detroit, his greatest accomplishment was putting Tom Izzo in the stands for the inevitable weekly discussion of the two being best friends. Because I can’t imagine anyone picking Detroit over San Francisco for any reason, I say Mooch is cheering on the Niners.

Dallas vs New England (Bill Parcells)

Bill Parcells might be the least likable but inordinately successful coach in football not named Nick Saban. While he never had the success with the Pats and Cowboys that he enjoyed with the Giants, he did take the Pats to the Super Bowl. He also got the Cowboys to the playoffs with Quincy Carter and Tony Romo at quarterback which is almost more improbable than Boise State becoming a college football power.

What Parcells does not get enough credit for is his pioneering work in the practice of temporary retirements. He ‘retired’ from the Giants, Patriots, Jets and Cowboys but kept returning to coaching. In this way, he really paved the way for the Favre circus of the last several years, which in my mind should be enough to keep him out of the Hall of Fame.

It says something that Parcells finally retired for good after less than a season of coaching Tony Romo and the first of Romo’s many pressure moment choke jobs when he muffed a hold for a field goal and lost to Seattle in the playoffs. If it hadn’t been for Romo, we might have another 5 years of Parcells unretiring every off-season. While we should cheer Romo for that, I have to imagine someone with the ego that Parcells does, misses the spotlight and blames Romo for it. For that reason he will cheer on the Pats this week.

I arrived in Texas this morning.

Sadly, I was hoping I would land in the middle of a Anchorman-style back-alley brawl with A&M, Texas and Baylor alumni groups fighting to the death but instead it is just hot and dry and flat like usual. Too bad.

Though for the record, if any local alumni group is throwing a trident in a back-alley brawl it is absolutely the alumni group from Rice.

Being in Dallas also puts me in the mind of the Cowboys and the NFC. With Jerry’s spaceship visible for 50 miles in every direction it is hard to not think about the Cowboys when you are here. Even if your one trip to Jerryworld was less than ideal (though that trip still generates more hits than every other post on this site combined, so I really can’t say too much negative about Mr. Jones).

With Jerry in mind then, let’s pick this year’s NFC Champion as well as our eventual Super Bowl Champ.

NFC East

Obviously the trendy pick here is the Eagles. In fact, it is so obvious that it is clear to me that it will never happen (call that Vizzini logic). Have you noticed that all of the key players on the Eagles are physically small? Vick, McCoy, DeSean Jackson, Nnamdi Asomugha. All are slight for professional football players. On the positive side, this means they won’t be cursed with man-boobs later in life, but on the negative it means that they are more susceptible to injury today. It is hard for me to see all of them making it throught he season unscathed, most likely because neither DeSean nor Vick ever has. I think that will allow the Cowboys, flying under the radar for the first time in 2 decades, to sneak in and take the division. If Romo can stay healthy and the defense plays to its potential it won’t take much for the Cowboys to be the most overrated football team in America by early October (especially with Notre Dame already proving that they are a joke). The Giants look like the very definition of mediocrity to me and the Redskins actually had a quarterback competition between Rex Grossmann and John Beck. Even worse it was for starter!

Winner: Cowboys 11-5

Wild Card: Eagles 10-6

NFC North

The home of our Super Bowl champion Green Bay Packers but also home to 2010 division winners Chicago Bears and trendy sleeper pick Detroit Lions (as well as a Vikings team that went from overrated to afterthought in less than a year thanks to one forty plus year old former drug addict. Explain that one to your kids). Two things to remember about the 2010 Packers. First, they needed the Lions beating the Bucs in Tampa to even make the playoffs on a tiebreaker. Second, they had something like 17 regular players out with injuries at various times throughout the season yet still won 3 straight road playoff games and the Super Bowl. Basically, what I am saying is that I don’t see any way they don’t cruise to an easy NFC North title this year. I think the Bears fail to achieve last year’s heights due to (1) tougher division champ schedule (2) defense that is a year older and (3) an even mopier Jay Cutler who dumped the only person in America that doesn’t despise him. The Lions still feel too young to me. Or maybe they are too Matt Stafford-y for me; relying on a guy who doesn’t make it through a 16-game regular season on Madden without an injury. The Vikings brought in Donovan McNabb 3 years too late and therefore will get a lot of garbage time in December for young Christian Ponder, whose accuracy I have a new found respect for after watching EJ Manuel last weekend.

Winner: Packers 12-4

NFC South

Last year’s NFC South champion Falcons have all the earmarks of a perennial division champion. Unfortunately that division champion is named the Norv Turner-era San Diego Chargers. Like the Chargers, the Falcons have a young quarterback with a bland name and relatively bland game. Both undeniably talented but never destined to date a super model. Solid but not spectacular defenses. And regular season success followed up by post-season failure. The Falcons feel like a team that will make the playoffs every other year; the years they get a soft schedule for placing poorly in their divisions the year before. The Saints, on the other hand, made every right move. They jettisoned Kardashian-loving, Heisman-returning Reggie Bush, who could never quite fit and replaced him with Heisman holding Mark Ingram and Darren Sproles who is best known as L.T.’s former back-up in San Diego and the inspiration for my favorite gambling phrase. More importantly, after giving up a spectacular run to Marshawn Lynch in the playoffs they also shored up their defensive line. Their only competition looks to come from Tampa Bay, where a young group of cast-offs may be in the process of forming a new super team. Thankfully, for my sanity and Fox’s ratings, I think we are at least one more year away from a Lions/Bucs NFC Championship.

Winner: Saints 12-4

Wildcard: Buccaneers 10-6

NFC West

It is interesting that every time I write about an entire NFL conference I end with the West. In this case, last is MOST CERTAINLY least. After giving us our first ever Division winner with a losing record last year, it seems that the NFC West somehow got worse in the offseason. This would be like finding out a Bachelor contestant got more desperate after their time on the show. Or that the cast of Jersey Shore are more embarrassing when the cameras aren’t rolling. It might be the most underreported story of the year. The Seahawks lost Matt Hasselbeck and now look to either Tavares Jackson or the original Clipboard Jesus, Charlie Whitehurst, as their every down quarterback. But at least they have no talent around him to take off the pressure. The 49ers are the same every year: plenty of talent but lacking enough talent in important areas <cough> Alex Smith <cough> to ever really compete. The Cardinals have pinned all of their hopes to a former back-up that played about one game last year. The Cardinals think they got the next Philip Rivers. I think they got the next Trent Green. The Rams, on the other hand look like a young team headed in the right direction. They still have no receivers for Sam Bradford to throw to (Danny Amendola…seriously???) but after being one game short of the playoffs last year I think they can make it this year.

Winner: Rams 10-6

Wildcard

Eagles at Rams – looks like we are still a year away from the Lions, Bucs and Rams becoming this generation’s version of the 1990’s 49ers, Cowboys and Packers. God help us all. Eagles win.

Buccaneers at Cowboys – Say what you want about Tony Romo in high pressure situations but he knows how to win at home against overmatched teams. Cowboys win.

Divisional Playoffs

Cowboys at Packers – Say what you want about Tony Romo in high pressure situations but on the road in hostile conditions against good teams he turns into a quivering blob of jelly. Packers win.

Eagles at Saints – Remember that one time that Drew Brees and Sean Payton hosted an important game in the Super Dome and lost? Yeah me neither. Saints win and Spike Lee is inspired to create a 10 hour documentary about the horrors of dog fighting.

NFC Championship

Packers at Saints – A battle of our last two Super Bowl winners in probably the most painful Hierarchy of Hate decision I will have to make until the Seminoles go pro and are put in the Broncos division. I like everything about both of these teams: the players, the cities, the uniforms. Even that they were once quarterbacked by Lynn Dickey and Bobby Hebert. This game is just too close to call. I will take the Vegas way out and give the 3-point win to the home team.

(Note: please don’t ask why I think the Saints are the home team with both teams having equal regular season records. If Roger Goodell doesn’t have to explain any of his arbitrary decisions, neither do I).

NFC Champion: New Orleans Saints

Super Bowl

Saints vs. Steelers

The dirty secret about the Steelers is that they are starting to get older. James Harrison only has so many more cheap shots left in him. Troy Polamalu is already chasing that sweet shampoo money because he knows time stops for no man, even those with hair down to their waist. Hines Ward was in such bad shape that his off-season workout was limited to ballroom dancing! After a season beating up on the slower AFC North and taking a pounding in the process, the Steelers are in no shape to chase the speedy Saints all over the field for 60 minutes.

The first Hand Grenade from Tropical Isle is on me. Saints win another Super Bowl.

Draft week is finally here; real, concrete news out of the NFL that is more about players than lawyers.

I know a bunch of lawyers. The last thing I want is lawyers to be the key players in my sports soap operas.

Strangely it is also the week in which NFL teams become most like politicians – you know – former lawyers that decided to ‘give back’ (i.e. – the power of running a firm full of other lawyers wasn’t enough for their massive egos). No matter what head-scratching moves a team makes in or leading up to the draft, the team will act like they just chose the right goblet from the Grail Knight.

On draft day, Cam Cameron acted like he sincerely believed one-legged Tim Ginn was the missing piece from a Dolphin Super Bowl run.

On draft day, the Forty-Niners convinced themselves Alex Smith was the heir apparent to Steve Young, rather than Jim Druckenmiller.

Draft day, where optimism really does spring eternal.

Of course, that isn’t the case. If history has taught us anything, it is that most of these high draft picks can at best aspire to an NFL career long enough to qualify them for a pension (assuming the NFLPA gets a pension in the coming labor agreement).

But that won’t stop each team from making the heartfelt case that the newest member of the organization will be the one hoisting the Lombardi trophy.

But which players will fail to meet those lofty expectations? I’m so excited for the draft I flew to Charlotte tonight to get the low-down on the first overall pick right from the source. Maybe its a sign, maybe it isn’t, but on the way in from the airport I saw a construction site at least 2 blocks long with a sign reading ‘Future Home of Cecil Newton’s Church That He Really Did Pay For All by Himself’.

Let’s go team by team through the first round and identify the players they should draft. I won’t pretend that I know what these teams will actually do, and have little evidence of teams following my advice (other than my epic guidance for the Jets to draft Mark Sanchez two years ago) but that doesn’t stop me from telling them what they should do.

And by ‘should do’ I mean ‘the draft pick that I think would be most fun for them to take’ not ‘will definitely make them better’.

#1 – Panthers – General consensus is that Cam Newton will be drafted by the Panthers. And who am I to argue. Jimmy Clausen has gotten his last two coaches fired, would you want him to be your franchise QB? Me neither. Some teams are scared off by Newton’s off-field transgressions (felonies, 3 schools in 3 years, transparent auctioning of his skills to the highest bidder), but I think Carolina is uniquely suited to ignore this. Their home state school is led by Butch Davis who has run a clean program once in his coaching career, when he coached the Browns, and we know how that turned out (24-34 record). If willing to hire a perennial cheat like Davis, I would imagine most North Carolinians would almost look with pride at Newton using the transfer payments he received to attend Auburn to help repair his father’s church.

#2 – Broncos – Marcel Dareus fits a glaring need for the Broncos along their defensive line. A glaring need that has been present for so long, it is almost becoming it’s own tradition unlike any other. Beside adding some size and skill to the  Broncos front line, I also like imagining John Fox (who isn’t the youngest coach in the league) and John Elway (who took his fair share of hits to the helmet) trying to keep Marcel Dareus and Darcel McBath straight.

#3 – Bills – You would think that as bad as the Bills have been for years, they would look for a flashy player – a quarterback or receiver to drum up interest among their bi-country fan base. However, they are smart and recognize a team should build from within. Offensive Line and defensive front seven. The Bills are so smart they have have a Harvard man under center! That is why they will grab potential superstar linebacker Von Miller from Texas A&M. Miller could be the best linebacker they have had since Cornelius Bennett played. A player taken when the Bills were led by another Harvard man, Marv Levy. See, with all these Ivy leaguers, the Bills are smart. They aren’t any good at football, but they sure are smart.  

#4 – Bengals – With both Chad Ochocinco Johnson Washedupo and Terrell Owens most likely on their way out of Cincy as soon as the Bengals are allowed to release them, it is important to get Jordan Palmer some help. You can’t go wrong with Julio Jones who looks like he has all the skills to be a star. This is such an obvious pick, that I hear VH1 has already contacted Julio about his own TV series.  I like to think the show is about Julio helping kids that get picked on at the playground to learn to stand up to bullies. Then they can call it ‘Me and Julio Down By the Schoolyard’.  

#5 – Cardinals – The Cardinals went from perennial Super Bowl contenders to the bottom of the worst division in the NFL when Kurt Warner decided he would rather dance on primetime than play for them. After a season of using quarterbacks that wouldn’t be hired to be Adam Sandler’s stunt double in The Longest Yard, the Cardinals need to grab Blaine Gabbert. He is a lock. What could go wrong with the Cardinals drafting a tall, immoble, white quarterback whose last name ends in ‘rt’?

#6 – Browns – AJ Green, the ridiculously talented wide out from Georgia fills a big hole for the Browns. Let’s just hope the Browns have better luck with him than the last WR they drafted known for his one-handed catches in college. Once Braylon Edwards got to Cleveland the only thing he could catch was pity and scorn from LeBron’s hangers-ons.

#7 – Forty-Niners – Unwilling to accept that the Alex Smith era is need of euthanization, the Forty-Niners continue to try and improve their defense to off-set Smith. To put some more skill in front of all-world linebacker Patrick Willis, the Niners should grab Robert Quinn. Sure, he didn’t play last season after taking illegal benefits from agents, but let’s face it, the Forty-Niners haven’t played for most of this decade. Call it a wash.

#8 – Titans – Still looking to replace Albert Haynesworth’s pass rush that jumped at Dan Snyder’s millions years ago, the Titans should reach for Cameron Jordan. Not only will he give them a edge pass rusher, but could open up a whole new population of potential season ticket holders, when frat boys from all over the south buy game tickets after hearing the Titans have acquired Jordan, assuming he is a former sorority girl that has joined the Titans cheerleading squad.  

#9 – Cowboys – There are three things Jerry Jones loves in this world. Meddling with his football team, bringing in players with questionable character and his alma mater Arkansas Razorbacks. I give you the perfect storm of Jones’ incompetence: Ryan Mallett.

#10 – Redskins – The Redskins need help everywhere except quarterback where Rex Grossmann looks to be a perennial Pro Bowler. I see them going for defense – specifically Prince Amukamara. As every Bronco fan remembers, Mike Shanahan has a fetish for drafting cornerbacks. Also, I think of this as tossing a bone to the idiot Birther movement. Just think of the jokes they can make with a guy whose name sounds like African royalty in the same city as President Obama. Those jokes would probably be hilarious. At least to other people dumb enough to be birthers.

#11 – Texans – In the mistaken belief that their offense isn’t a problem, the Texans should look to add more playmakers on defense so this can be the year they finally live up to their annual sleeper contender status. Justin Houston, a linebacker out of Georgia is the perfect fit. 6’3”, 270 pounds with a 4.6 40-yard dash. Plus his last name is Houston! And coming from Georgia he is accustomed to his team failing to meet overblown pre-season expectations.

#12 – Vikings – It looks like it might finally be the end of the Favre era. Let’s all commemorate the falling of an American hero, by pouring our Vicodin out on the curb. Needing a replacement for Favre, the Vikings should turn to Andy Dalton. Sure, there are some concerns his red hair may prevent him from succeeding in the pros, but with the Vikings playing in a dome and Minnesota’s long winters at least we won’t have to worry about Dalton failing because of the sun’s debilitating effects on his fair skin.

#13 – Lions – After just 3 or 4 games, the injury bug impacted Jahvid Best’s rookie campaign for the Lions last year and resurrected concerns about him from college that he can’t stay healthy. If Matt Millen were still in charge he would just go draft Ryan Williams this year despite taking a running back last year. Millen already had experience blowing a draft pick on an overrated Va Tech running back when he took Kevin Jones in 2004. Sigh, I miss Matt Millen.

#14 – Rams – New Rams owner Stan Kroenke wants to make a big splash with his first draft. He wants to make the big-name pick that will draw attention back from the Cardinals and Albert Pujols’ on-going contract drama. Most importantly he wants to help 2^nd year quarterback Sam Bradford. What name makes the most sense to draw excitement to the Rams? If I have said it once, I have said it never, nothing gets fans excited like an offensive lineman from Wisconsin. Gabe Carimi is just the man to get the City by the Arch talking.

#15 – Dolphins – The Dolphins just can’t trust injury-prone Ronnie Brown or mellow-dude Ricky Williams to handle the running game. It is time to start finding young legs to take some of the load. Bruising, consistent Mark Ingram would be the perfect answer but I can’t be the only one thinking that giving Mark Ingram Senior an excuse to visit Miami is a bad idea if we want to win the War On Drugs.

#16 – Jaguars – After years of drafting bustastic wide receivers in the first round, the Jaguars are finally starting to build their defense so that they can still win games, while their perennially mediocre offense sputters along and their fan base continues to shrink. To help both problems, the Jags can draft Jimmy Smith out of CU. Not only will he solidify the Jags’ secondary, but Jags fans can just recycle their old wide receiver Jimmy Smith jerseys and reminisce about the good old days when they were relevant.

We will back to finish out the rest of the first round later this week.

Brad Childress was fired today as the head coach of the Minnesota Vikings. A nice gesture by Vikings ownership to be sure. It tells the fans that they recognize this season hasn’t gone as expected one season after being one horrid Favre-ian decision from the Super Bowl.

Wade Phillips was fired a couple weeks ago for similar reasons. As opposed to Childress getting oh-so-close to the big show last year, Phillips has consistently underperformed but shown just enough to keep thinking there may be next year would be the year. It never was.

It is almost like Phillips and Childress are the yin and yang of fired coaches.

One is fat, one is slim(mer).

One is bald, the other has a full(ler) head of hair.

One lost all hope because his quarterback was injured and couldn’t play, the other because his quarterback is injured (at least when things go wrong) and won’t stop playing.

One looks like he shouldn’t be allowed within 1,000 feet of an elementary school, the other is probably playing Santa at a greater Dallas mall as we speak.

But in one respect, they are as alike as the Manning brothers facing a 2-minute drill.

They lost their jobs because in reality they weren’t in charge.

In a world of over-inflated egos and out of control tempers: from Parcells to Bo Pellini, it should be a relief to see two coaches actually seem to have perspective. Coaches that are able to treat their players with the same respect and kindness that one would expect in any other profession in the world. And maybe it would work if they each hadn’t run into the wrong person: the raging egotist that refuses to listen to others.

Wade Phillips could never really run the Cowboys because Jerry Jones was always there – looming in the shadows, dictating, controlling.

Here is what I wrote about the Cowboys a couple years ago in an AFC title game running commentary:

Is it just me or does that Pepsi commercial with the Cowboys calling ‘60-stretch farllllaaaa’ sum up why they aren’t playing this weekend? Jerry Jones wants to meddle too much, Wade Phillips isn’t smart enough to call a needed timeout and Tony Romo tries to make a play and fails.

Doesn’t it say something that even in a commercial Jerry Jones had to be in control? The Cowboys have only been successful when a coach stood up to Jones. Jimmy Johnson knew Jerry Jones in college, long before Jones became an oil billionaire. He could tell the guy to butt out and mind his own business. But his success only grew Jerry’s ego like the Extenze Johnson would hawk years later. After just a few years of trying to keep Jones in check, Jimmy bailed. Barry Switzer was able to ride the coattails of Johnson’s team to a Super Bowl win but the team has gone straight downhill since. Even Bill Parcells grew tired of Jones’ act before his rebuilding project could be complete. Outside of that time, the team that Jones has built has perfectly reflected its owner: lots of flashy names and big headlines but no substance.

Wade was simply too nice and easy going to succeed with a bull like Jones hiding behind every corner, has any other owner ever been the one to break injury news to the press?

Where Wade couldn’t contend with Jones’ shadow coaching staff, Childress couldn’t handle his chosen quarterback. Favre must have looked at Childress with something bordering on pity when he came to Minnesota: he had overrun more competent coaches than Childress even before he was media-appointed God. When Childress groveled at His knee to not just return once, but twice what chance did he ever have of then instilling any discipline in Favre?

None.

He had set himself down this path by trying to bring in Favre and his raging ego. It worked when they won, but when it started going bad, don’t you think Favre just looked at Childress and thought ‘what have you ever done without me? Don’t tell me what to do.’ any time Childress had a suggestion?

When a coach asks a number of players to fly across the country and beg a player to come back, who do you think the other players in the locker room are going to respect? Childress might have well put his testicles on the flight as well and had those delivered to Favre as well.

Once you have sent that message to your team, why should they ever listen to you again?

When a coach isn’t perceived as being the one running the show, they are done.

When I was growing up, outside of Saved By The Bell, there was one afternoon sitcom most kids I knew watched at least on occasion. Admittedly most of us guys were watching to see a young Nicole Eggert but there were apparently a large contingent of girls out there watching for Scott Baio because we have since learned he was able to get pretty much any woman in the country (and did).

Maybe there was something about him beyond the feathered hair and visible gold chain that made the women swoon.

Charles was in charge.

If you have ever watched the show Inside The Actor’s Studio (and really who hasn’t), you know that each episode ends with the creepy slow-talking, bearded host asking that night’s guest a series of questions.

One of my favorite questions isn’t the one about favorite curse word (though obviously my answer to that would be “F***ing Tim Tebow”), it is the one about what your least favorite word is.

For years, my answer to that was ‘intolerance’ (I know, all Tea Partiers are free to throw up in their mouths a little bit) but this week I think I am changing it.

Now I am going with: hypocrisy.

Because that is the only word that comes to mind when I think about the NFL’s current head injury crisis.

The NFL can levy fines and issue press releases all they want but until they stop selling pictures of big hits and have announcers on their broadcasts gush lovingly over 20 year old clips of Titans defensive coordinator Chuck Cecil in which he blatantly launches his helmet at other players, then it is hard to take anything they say seriously.

Personally, I am torn about the issue. I like big hits as much as anyone (heck, look at my Twitter avatar) but I recognize the incredible physical price players can take.

I respect the game and the players that played before but it rings a little hollow when they talk about how tough they were when they played. They played when players were smaller and slower. As any physicist knows, mass x acceleration = force. The players today play with a lot more force than anyone from the 70’s or 80’s.

Of course, I doubt many of those guys took physics. And those that did probably don’t remember it.

Combine the frightening physical prowess of the players today and the advanced knowledge we have about the impact of these hits, and I understand the concerns.

The NFL needs to pick a path. They either save these young, aggressive, physically gifted men from themselves and institute more rules or they take the shackles off and let anything go. I don’t care which way they go.

The NFL just needs to be honest with themselves, the players and the public on what they are selling.

In other hypocrisy news, we are going with theme week for the Hierarchy of Hate. So we will be using completely random reasons for deciding who we should cheer for in each game, though will probably not think about these rules again once the games actually start.

Don’t blame us, we are just learning from the biggest sport in the country.

Turner: SuperDave…Thank you for theme week, this is so much better and entertaining to create real hate.  I’m sorry for my week absence.  I’m back and better than ever with an inspired group of match-up categories this week.  Sitting here watching SuperDave’s man-crush Buster Posey slap around doubles like Brett Favre sends Jenn Sterger pictures of his junk, just reminds me of all of the different folks that should be considered “The Man, The Myth, and the Legend” status.

Shadow: I have decided that work trips without Turner are lame.  Trapped here in Boise, Idaho, surrounded by more bright orange and blue than I can stand, and my Yankees are finding a way to not make it to back to back World Series.  Not a good week.  Luckily, that just means all the more hate to go around.  Super Dave even rolled out the Toddler Version of THH, so I don’t have to strain my brain coming up with a theme for my answers.  This THH brought to you by Fry Sauce.

College (each of these schools has had at least 1 great running back, pick the game on which RB you liked more):

LSU @ Auburn

SD: Billy Cannon vs. Bo Jackson. Yes, Billy Cannon played 20 years before I was born and Bo was one of the greatest athletes and biggest stars of my youth but I am going with Billy here. Also when I was young, a semi-biographical movie was produced about Billy that introduced me to the twin wonders of a young Jessica Lange (yes, I know that pic isn’t from the movie but I don’t care) and southern football night games at Death Valley. Bo don’t know either of these things. Geaux Tigers.

Turner: Of the few things I don’t like, one of them is people who have more vowels in their name than consonants, aka Joseph Addai. While nothing against Mr. Addai personally other than his last name, he did play against the Oklahoma Sooners I believe in destroying Jason White’s hope of a lasting NFL legacy and relegated him to the local cement company in Kingfisher Oklahoma.   Meanwhile, Who Knows BO?  Yeah, he was greatness.  The only issue I have was when he was with Oakland Raiders and super abused the man, the myth, the legend (not f******* Buster Posey) Brian Bosworth in the old Kingdome.  While that hurt, it did not destroy a man like it did the Heisman winner, Jason White.  He could have been the man, myth, and legend himself, but now he is one hell of a bricklayer and it is all Addai’s fault.  Come On Tigers, not the geaux kind….

Shadow: Bo knows THH.  Well, actually he doesn’t, but that is beside the point.  Who is LSU going to try and trot out to top it?  Kevin Faulk?  Joseph Addai?  Charles Alexander?  Doesn’t matter.  Bo was a freak of nature, and one of the greatest pure athletes of all time.  No contest.  Fly on War Eagle.

Nebraska @ Oklahoma State

SD: Mike Rozier vs. Barry Sanders. Barry is going to go down as one of the greatest running backs of all time and one of the first people to try and bring the afro back in fashion in the late 90’s. After Rozier’s Heisman winning career with Turner Gil and Irving Fryar at Nebraska he had a fairly uneventful 6 year NFL career (though he somehow made two Pro Bowls). In my front running youth, I loved that Nebraska team. It seems only fitting that they would be the first of many of my teams to lose in heartbreaking fashion to the University of Miami. Apparently from an early age I was destined to hate the Canes. For being a trendsetter in my life, without even realizing it Rozier gets the nod here.

Turner: Barry Sanders was the best and he was bigger than a Myth, bigger than a Man (even though he was small), and forever a Legend. Mike Rozier –he might be one of the first editions of my THH that I can recall as an 8 year old. I remember HATING his Cornhusker teams back in the early 80’s.  My boy Marcus Dupree did his best to destroy him in Lincoln but failed, them winning the Big 8 those years… That just burns.  Meanwhile, Barry dominated the Sooners but he did that to everyone and it never really cost OU anything significant. He was great.  You pair him up with Hart Lee Dykes and that tandem might have been one of the best ever.  So I’m going to have to go against Lincoln Nation (not to mention they could have buried TX for me last week and failed) and root for the Pokes.

Shadow: Now, this is a showdown of showdowns.  The immortal Mike Rozier.  Who can forget his 230 yards against Kansas in one half!  And then there is Barry Sanders, who I swear was the hardest person to catch and tackle that I have ever seen.  I think sometimes the fact that Rozier didn’t have a very memorable pro career diminishes his college accomplishments for some.  But this is THH, so I don’t care about what either of them went on to do.  Barry had pretty much the best college year ever by a running back…but that was it.  Then he was off to the NFL.  So I am going with Rozier for his overall body of work.  

NFL (Each of these cities’ NBA team has had one of the best players in the NBA on it over the last few years. Pick the team with the player you like more)

Cleveland @ New Orleans

SD: In honor of the NBA tipping off (and the fact that I may or may not have bought a 10-game package to the Nuggets for this season which means I may be at more Nuggets games than Melo), we are mixing up themes this week and looking beyond the gridiron. So this matches up Rasual Butler and Craig Ehlo. Ok, it isn’t because that would be such a blowout (Rasual can’t compete with Craig’s mullet) I guess instead we will weigh LeBron and Chris Paul. While it is easy to mock LeBron and his tortuous Decision this summer, I will pick him over Paul. As far as I know LeBron never racked a guy like Paul did. Kicked an entire region in the balls? Sure. But not another player. That is just dirty pool. Go Cleveland.

Turner: Mo William’s Mom vs Darryl Strawberry’s son?  This is a tough call.  It is one thing to get your mom hooked up with your team’s star player, but to produce an NBA player through snorting coke?  That is impressive too.   Chris Paul is the NBA equivalent of Warrick Dunn.  Undersized, but great player who seems to be a very good, high character person.  (I’m looking for Buster Posey type love from Super Dave with this analogy).  Meanwhile ‘Witness’ is the opposite.  Can’t stand him except he did do his ‘decision’ for the children of the greater Connecticut Boys and Girls Club.  I’ll take Chris in this one with a Beignet from Café Du Monde with extra powder sugar to go please.

Shadow: It makes perfect sense to pick THH based on sports other than football.  Sadly, the NBA is one of those leagues where I have very little rooting interest.  The Nuggets (plus cushy free tickets in the Club Level via Turner) had some success over the past couple of years and made me actually care a little about pro basketball…but with Carmelo on his way out (and possibly to the most hated of Turner’s locales) I find it hard to care again.  I never really bought into the whole Lebron thing, and I think he is a pussy for abandoning Cleveland.  My boyhood idol, Don Mattingly, suffered through the longest World Series drought of the modern Yankees organization and did so with character and class…never once even considering going somewhere else for a better chance at a title.  His best chances at making it to the World Series were snuffed out by the strike in 1994 and then when the Mariner’s cheated and let Randy Johnson pitch in relief for the Mariners as they beat the Yankees (a feat he would repeat in the 2001 World Series for the Diamondbacks…the big doofus…all this prior to basically sucking when the Yankees paid him big money to come to New York).  But….I digress.  Give me Chris Paul and the Charlotte/New Orleans/Oklahoma City/New Orleans Hornets…and thus, the Saints over the Browns.

Arizona @ Seattle

SD: You may have forgotten by now, but the Oklahoma City Thunder and their best young line-up in the league should be the Seattle SuperSonics. Instead my friends in the northwest got the same treatment from Clay Bennett that Julius Hodge got from Chris Paul. So now when I compare Kevin Durant to Steve Nash in this match-up it is with sadness. Paradoxically, by not cheering for Durant in protest of him now playing in OKC, I therefore have to cheer against the Seahawks in this match-up. Of course, after the last couple years Seattle sports fans would expect nothing less.

Turner: The only player in the NBA that could be the Man, The Myth, and the Legend.  Yes, that is Kevin Durant.  The Phenom, the golden child, the freak.  He is greatness.  While SuperDave will likely bitch about the fact that Seattle lost their team to the greatness of the Thunder he can’t argue greatness.  Steve Nash is almost to this same level but unfortunately Thunder comes before Lightening. 

Shadow: Steven Nash and Kevin Durant.  This one is a tough call.  What I think most of when I see Nash play is, “Was he too tall for hockey?”  Durant may not have the longevity yet, but he is really fun to watch.  Okay, I am lying.  I don’t watch the NBA really at all.  I could tell Durant and Nash apart, because I am not dumb (Nash is white, right?), but I honestly probably have never seen much more than a handful of minutes of Durant in the NBA, and most of the Nash stuff I see is just when they have played Denver.  So, I will just flip a coin.  Heads.  That means I like Nash more.  Go Cardinals. 

It is now mid-October. The evenings are getting cold and in the mountains here in Colorado there are large patches of snow and rapidly bare aspens. You can legitimately start thinking about Thanksgiving plans, just a month away.

More importantly we are finally in the heart of football season.

In the past are opening week jitters in the NFL, and uninspiring non-conference college games. We are even past the point every season when the Chargers turn around an embarrassing beginning to go on a long win streak to win the division and brainwash experts into thinking they are better than they are.

Oh, maybe not so much that last one.

In our near-future are late season games to clinch BCS Bowl games and playoff berths.

We are right in the heart of the time where the good teams should be separating themselves from the pack; where we are starting to identify the top few teams that could legitimately get their fans excited for a possible Super Bowl trip. However in an NFL with no undefeated teams, are there any teams that are obvious locks even for the playoffs?

We are also at that time of year when we are being bombarded with campaign commercials for an election less than a month away. Each candidate spends more time calling their opponent names than telling us any good ideas (which explains 87% of what is wrong with the government). Interestingly there seems like a strong parallel between the NFL and election season.

When I started to think about writing about each of the contender teams, I couldn’t focus on their good attributes. Like seeing pictures texted by Brett Favre, I kept focusing on their shortcomings.

As I go through a mental list of each team, I realize pretty much every team falls into one of two camps. They either can pass but can’t run or they can run but can’t pass.

It is the Conservatives and Liberals of the NFL. Whether through personnel, attitude or identity, each team has donned a lapel pin as either a running team or a passing team. In each case if you can shut down their strength you have a chance at a win.

I know one-dimensional teams have won Super Bowls in the past. But those teams were typically one-dimensional by choice.

A passing team like the Saints may have been known for their wide-open throwing but they could run when necessary (6^th in the NFL in rushing yards, 3^rd in rushing TDs).

The Steelers the year before were lumped in as a continuation of the historically strong running Pittsburgh teams but they were actually fairly balanced. Their great defense and a division with horrid offenses allowed for them to be mediocre on offense (17^th in yards passing, 23^rd in yards rushing, 20^th overall) and still win.

The Giants famously trumped the Patriots in 2008 when they had the best passing game in history. Yet, had no running game which allowed the Giants defensive line to tee-off on Tom Brady. On the offensive side, the Giants were a running team that when he got hot in the playoffs had a quarterback doing enough to win the Super Bowl.

In the end a team needs to be able to do both when called upon. I just don’t see many teams capable of that this year. Let’s break the teams into their ideologies:

The Liberals (motto: Three Yards and a Cloud of Dust is not an Economic Policy )

- Colts: In fairness the Colts haven’t been able to run the ball for years. Also, in fairness their only Super Bowl win came against Rex Grossman which should get a Barry Bonds sized asterisk.

- Packers: As shown on Sunday. Aaron Rodgers and his receivers are good but some times not good enough.

- Saints: Reggie Bush is out and so is the Kardashian magic. Until the Saints find some way to run the ball, defenses are going to drop about 14 people deep to cover all the Saints wide receivers

- Patriots: Like the Colts they have been doing this ‘no running game’ thing for a long time. However, they have also been doing this ‘lose in the playoffs to a team they should beat’ thing for a long time too.

- Eagles: Their best runner is their quarterback. Or is he the back-up? Or is he a wild-cat QB? Whatever he is, he shouldn’t be their leading rusher.

- Cowboys: When you rely on Tony Romo to always lead your team to wins in big games, you are destined for some pain come the late season stretch run. Or, in the case of 2010, the early season.

- Broncos: OK, I know it is a big stretch to label them a contender, but have you seen their division? I could make a legitimate argument they are the best team in the AFC West, despite their record. They certainly have a more rightful place on this list than the Cowboys.

The Conservatives (motto: Spreading the Ball Around is Another Name for Redistributing Wealth)

- Jets: Yes, I am sure there are lots of Jets fans feeling pretty good today. But when the Broncos shut down the Jets running game, they relied on the generosity of the refs and Braylon Edwards to catch passes. Being in the home town of the NFL helps ensure that the refs generosity will continue but can any Jets fan seriously trust Braylon Edwards to keep catching passes?

- Vikings: Let’s face it. The 2009 Brett Favre was an oasis in a desert of bad decisions, bad throws and sore arm excuses. Add in the distraction of an NFL investigation and Favre’s wife throwing things at him every time she sees him and the Vikings only chance is to let A.P. run the ball 30 times per game.

- Falcons: Matty Ice is living up to his nickname. Not by being cool under pressure but rather by playing like his throwing arm is numb.

- Texans: Hard to believe that a team with Andre Johnson and Matt Schaub is a running team but Arian Foster is driving this team. Johnson is playing hurt and Schaub has been exposed for what he is: an inconsistent QB who puts up big stats one week and then disappears for the next two. Kind of like the Texans as a whole.

- Titans: Chris Johnson still wants his 2,000 yards but the Titans won’t win handing him the ball constantly. Vince Young needs to at least make defenses think twice before putting 9 in the box to stop CJ.

- Chiefs: I can’t believe I have to include them in a list of contenders but such is the AFC West. However, like the Jets and Braylon Edwards, the Chiefs passing game relies on Dwayne Bowe. And Matt Cassel. Eek.

Just like the real two party system, there are also smaller groups out there: teams that are winning without being very good at passing or running: Seahawks, Bears, Cardinals, Dolphins for example. I guess they would be Libertarians, who don’t believe in any government, like these teams don’t believe in any offense.

Stripping away all of these teams, there are just a few teams left that may have the ability to both pass and run: Centrists. The real contenders:

- Steelers: I mocked Peter King over the summer for picking the Chargers to win the Super Bowl but prior to the season he shifted to the Steelers and is looking very smart today. With Big Ben out of college bar bathrooms and back on the field, the Steelers look like a well-rounded offense, capable of just enough to win with their stellar defense. Or similar to the team that won the Super Bowl two years ago.

- Ravens: I waiver between listing them here or in the above ‘winning without being able to pass or run’ group. The running game has been a little slow in coming on and no one trusts Joe Flacco (not even his own mother). But they have the players to be solid on ground and through the air; they just need to get it together. And if they don’t, Ray Lewis can always take a stab at motivating them.

- Giants: Quietly, the Giants might have the most well-rounded offense in the NFC: #2 in the NFL is passing yards, #7 in rushing yards. How did this happen, and why wasn’t I notified earlier? Obviously I blame Eli. It seems like the one Manning gene he didn’t inherit was the self-promotion gene.

We live in a world of a two-party system. The winners will always be the ones that can find some common ground with both.