After months of pretending to get our NFL fix by following the human equivalent of the Westminster Dog Show known as the NFL Combine and the movements of free agents deemed too old, too crazy or too expensive by their previous employers we have finally reached the crown jewel of the NFL offseason: the NFL Draft. Out with the past, and in with the future. There are endless educated guesses out there on who each team will draft but who should all these teams draft? Thankfully, your dutiful analyst here at PFB has scoured the scouting services and waded through Mel Kiper’s hairline to determine who each team should target, if for no other reason than our entertainment.

AFC East

New England Patriots – With the loss of Ben Watson to Cleveland the Patriots have a need at tight end (I know, I can’t believe losing Ben Watson would cause anything but joy in Foxbrough but it is what it is). In steps Ron Gronkowski out of Arizona. Whether he succeeds on the field or not, he can at least act as a guardian to long-lost cousin kicker Stephen Gostkowski, reducing the number of wedgies and swirlies inflicted this year by that bully Tom Brady.

New York Jets – The Jets need to find some offensive help for their second year quarterback and overpowering defense. They have gone out on the free agent market and gotten wide receivers and running backs, so they should use the draft to go get a tight end. How about Dennis Pitta out of BYU? Last year, the Jets made the millions of latino fans in New York happy with the drafting of Mark Sanchez. This year they can make millions of Greek and middle eastern fans happy by loading up on Pitta. 

Miami Dolphins – This offseason, the Dolphins lost linebacker, non-stop talker, cheap-shot artist and drunk driver Joey Porter to the Arizona Cardinals. Drafting Brandon Spikes, he of the linebacker playing, eye-gouging, teammate deifying career at Florida will help address the loss of many of Porter’s doucheiest qualities.

Buffalo Bills – Last year, the Bills played a home game in Toronto to expand their fan base beyond western New York and into Canada. If they can’t put a competitive team on the field, this is their best chance at remaining relevant. Drafting Dan LeFevour, a quarterback out of Central Michigan not only addresses one of their biggest needs but may also bring millions of new Canadian fans to the Bills bandwagon when they get confused and assume he is on loan from playing winger for the Maple Leafs.

AFC North

Pittsburgh Steelers – Last year after Troy Polamalu was lost to injury, the Steelers showed a great weakness in the secondary. Drafting Joe Haden, the cornerback out of Florida will help reduce the dependence on Troy’s hair. Plus after years in Gainesville, Haden knows quite well how to deal with a quarterback with a god complex.

Cleveland Browns – Three years ago, the Browns drafted golden boy Brady Quinn out of Notre Dame to address their quarterback needs. This year they can draft Golden Tate out of Notre Dame to address their wide receiver needs. I mean it can’t work out any worse than last time right?

Cincinnati Bengals – Needing another weapon for Carson Palmer, the Bengals should take Jermaine Gresham, who provides the added bonus of sounding like the best-selling legal novel author around. If the Bengals can’t get players that actually understand the law they can at least get players that sound like they do.

Baltimore Ravens – Still looking for players to help out Joe Flacco, the Ravens should roll the dice on Dez Bryant. Sure, there are some questions marks around Dez – especially about his lying to the NCAA and questionable work ethic but if there is anyone that will take a stab at motivating a young player it is Ray Lewis.

AFC South

Indianapolis Colts – Coming off a Super Bowl in which they were torched by Drew Brees, the Colts need to address their inability to put pressure on the quarterback. Jason Pierre Paul out of South Florida can help that need as well as taking the pressure off Pierre Garcon of being the only Pierre on the roster.

Tennessee Titans – With Lendale White becoming ineffective without tequila in his blood it is time to look for a new complement to take some of the load off of Chris Johnson. Not only does Toby Gerhart provide the short yardage power, and leading blocking ability, but can you imagine the nicknames that could be formed for a small black running back and large white running back tandem? Chocolate Lightning and White Thunder? Ebony and Ivory? The I-Spy Backfield? Tennessee Vice? I could do this all day.

Jacksonville Jaguars – Much has been made this offseason of the Jaguars drafting the best player out of nearby University of Florida to help drive interest in the team and improve their anemic offense. I fully endorse this approach and expect Maurkice Pouncey to make the short trip up from Gainesville to Jacksonville.

Houston Texans – The Texans are the ‘Almost’ team. Every year they almost make the playoffs. Matt Schaub has stats almost as good as the best in the league and he almost makes it through the season uninjured. Steven Slaton can make it almost all the way through the game without fumbling. Andre Johnson almost gets the credit he deserves for being the best wide receiver in the game. Thus the Texans should draft Joe McKnight – the USC running back almost as good as his predecessor Reggie Bush who the Texans almost drafted 4 years ago.

AFC West

San Diego Chargers – In a tough offseason for the Bolts, they lost their top running back in LaDainian Tomlinson, a back-up quarterback in Charlie Whitehurst, outrageous child production in Antonio Cromartie and a player known to disappear in big games (Tomlinson again). Clearly they need to sign Travis Henry to address the running and child production needs while drafting Colt McCoy for the back-up quarterback and ‘disappearing in big game’ gaps.

Oakland Raiders – There is little doubt the Raiders will draft Bruce Campbell, the Maryland offensive lineman who is a physical specimen that impressed at the NFL Combine with incredible speed and strength after a completely mundane college career. Really his only chance of success in the NFL is if his hand is still possessed like it was back in Evil Dead 2.

Denver Broncos – The Broncos have a lot of needs. They are looking for linebackers, offensive linemen, receivers and (possibly) a long term solution at quarterback. But there is another position that has been vacated with the trades of Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall over the last two offseasons: unhappy whiner who quits on his team. The Broncos can’t go into the season without at least one on their roster so don’t be surprised to hear the name “Mike Williams” announced at some point with the Broncos on the clock.

Kansas City Chiefs – The Chiefs are still trying to improve their offense but while the acquisition of Thomas Jones to split carries with Jamal Charles should help, their defense still has holes. Targeting Sean Weatherspoon, the linebacker out of Missouri helps out a defense ranked 31^st against the run last year. Plus he is one of the few players in the draft that would know Kansas City is actually located in Missouri not Kansas. That could be huge when trying to find the stadium for that first game.

Now that the Super Bowl is behind us and the ticker tape has started to soak up all of the urine left on Bourbon Street, it is time to briefly look back and then begin looking ahead. Today we continue our annual tradition of looking back at my pre-season projections and mocking their foolishness while also laying down an early projection for next year.

I wish I could say that this is the earliest projections for the 2010 NFL season but even before Peyton’s tears had dried there were professional prognosticators in a certain desert town suggesting that the Colts were the best bet to participate in Super Bowl XLV. Really? What about getting dominated by the Saints screamed ‘Colts repeat!’ to these guys? The team will be a year older, have another year under a coach that acts like the star of “Tyler Perry’s Weekend at Bernie’s” and have yet another piece of playoff choke luggage to carry but they are going to pick right up where they left off, huh?

As I looked back at last year’s edition of this post, I came across my early prediction for last weekend’s Super Bowl. Thanks to some convoluted rationale this was part of an imagined speech on Hardball (don’t ask) thus the strange introduction:

Chris, I would like to take this opportunity to announce my candidates for the 2010 Super Bowl. That is correct, right here I am happy announce that the Colts and Falcons will play for the Vince Lombardi trophy in Miami in February 2010.”

How about that? Pretty close for a full year out. Too bad things only got worse as the season got closer.  

AFC East:

For pretty much this entire decade, there has really only been one team that is even worth mentioning from the AFC East – Mr. Belichick’s Wonder Emporium. Now, after a season in which Tom Brady hit a child sitting in the 3^rd row with his ACL, there is a new defending conference champion – Gloria Estefan’s Teal Warriors. So do the Dolphins turn the beat around and win it again? Ah no. The odds of Chad Pennington winning another title with no receivers and two mediocre running backs is about as good as the Miami Sound Machine having another top five hit. No, unfortunately for all of us, the Patriots will pick up right where they left off a couple seasons ago. Much is being made about the turnover in the Patriots defense, however it is ignored that all of the players that have been released are older than several new NFL head coaches. A youth movement is a good thing – especially when the Patriot defense wasn’t that good to begin with. No, sorry Pats haters, there is only place where anyone on the Patriots has competition from an AFC East rival and that is from the new Jets quarterback in answering the question ‘Which quarterback has the hottest significant other in the AFC East?’

Winner: Patriots (13-3)

Wild Card: None

Actual Winner: Patriots (10-6)

Actual Wild Card: Jets (9-7)

SD: So the Patriots weren’t quite the team I envisioned (wait until we get to my playoff projections) but at least I can chalk up a win for my projections! Don’t get used to it. While the Patriots aged faster than the cast of 90210, the Jets snuck up to surprise and ride momentum all the way to the AFC title game. Somehow the addition of a wide receiver who can’t catch and a quarterback who doesn’t like to throw to his own receivers were the missing ingredients for the Jets. I can’t be blamed for missing that.

2010 Projection: The trendy pick these days is the Jets based on their late season run into the playoffs. But have we all forgotten the lesson of Matt Ryan already? Sophomore campaigns are always tougher than rookie years. And Sanchez’s rookie year wasn’t really that great. I think the Patriots, though aging, have one more run in them. And let’s not forget about the Dolphins, who didn’t even start playing until October and still nearly made the playoffs.

2010 Winner: Dolphins (Wild Card: Patriots)

AFC North:

Do you remember the movie Groundhog Day? Remember the major city that Bill Murray, Andie MacDowell come from to film Punxsutawney Phil? That is right it’s Pittsburgh. Well, take the hint folks. For yet another year, the Steelers will win and the Ravens will ride the coattails of their defense and the minimum risk offense to a Wildcard berth. Sorry Bengals, I may like you more thanks to your appearance on Hard Knocks (I need more Chad Ochocinco in my life. His saying ‘call me’ as each cheerleader ran by him on last week’s episode was the funniest thing I have seen on TV all year) but they can’t compete with the Steelers and Ravens. And the Browns…oh the Browns. The combination of Eric Mangini, Brady Quinn, Braylon Edwards’ stone hands and rampant staph infections may make for lots of good jokes but not lots of wins.

Winner: Steelers (12-4)

Wild Card: Ravens (10-6)

Actual Winner: Bengals (10-6)

Actual Wild Card: Ravens (9-7)

SD: Well, on the bright side, the Ravens were a Wild Card team, so chalk one up for me. On the downside, the Bengals turned a starring turn in Hard Knocks into a surprise division title while the Steelers decided that this would take this year off and come back stronger next year. Funny, I always thought that was what the off-season was for. If I had written this last week I could say I still haven’t seen anything as funny as Ochocinco telling each cheerleader to call him but then I saw that Private Dancer on this week’s Bachelor. Sorry Chad.

2010 Projection: If Troy Polamalu’s hair returns healthy, it is hard to see the Steelers not regaining their place atop this division. The Bengals just feel like a team that were the beneficiaries of other team’s off years and I still don’t believe in the Ravens, not with a defense getting older by the day and the only growth in Joe Flacco’s game occurring between his eyebrows.

2010 Winner: Steelers

AFC South:

It seems fitting that the geography of the AFC South overlaps with the SEC, because it could be argued that the AFC South is the SEC of the NFL. Both conferences have more than one team that could challenge to be the best in the game; even the worst teams are better than many teams in other conferences and any conference member is thrilled to see a team from Ohio or Michigan on its schedule. So it is only fitting that I think a former SEC quarterback will re-assert his dominance and lead his team to another conference championship. While last season the Titans ended the Colts years of dominance, I don’t buy Kerry Collins two years in a row – especially with a less dominating defense, a harder schedule and still no wide receivers. On the bright side for Tennessee, with a tequila-less Lendale White leading the way, the Titans can eek into the playoffs over the perennial underachieving Jags (speaking of no wide receivers) and Texans (..actually I don’t know why the Texans underachieve every year, sort of like the Georgia Bulldogs).

Winner: Colts (11-5)

Wild Card: Titans (10-6)

Actual Winner: Colts (14-2)

Actual Wild Card: None

SD: The Colts were as solid and boring as advertised. The Titans made a valiant attempt to erase that 0-6 start and make it a clean sweep for me in the AFC South. It is shameful I made a joke about Kerry Collins and Lendale without mentioning Vince Young or Chris Johnson even once. I look forward to plenty of Vince Young / Chris Johnson jokes next year. I am guessing they will involve some combination of CJ looking like a rapper and VY going crazy last year. Thankfully I have a few months to work on them.

2010 Projection: Was the Super Bowl just a momentary blip on the Colts continued domination or was it the tipping point that will send them on a downward spiral that it now appears Super XLII was for the Pats? A little too soon to tell, but it is hard to see the Titans not showing up until week #7 for a second year in a row. Not with Li’l CJ and the real Vinsanity leading the way.

2010 Winner: Titans (Wild Card: Colts)

AFC West:

All reports from San Diego seem to show that Shawne Merriman was able to successfully rehab from last year’s knee injury. Even if he has returned successfully, I think we can all agree he would have been better off taking a cue from LenDale and sworn off Tequila as well. As much as I would love to see the Chargers season imploded by a slutty, bi-curious, reality dating show veteran; even Tila can’t stop the Chargers from winning the AFC West. There is just no other competition. The Broncos don’t have a quarterback and a horrendous schedule that offset an improved defense and running game. The only question around the Raiders and Chiefs this year is to which team has the biggest bust at quarterback. Congratulations Chargers – shots are on Shawne!

Winner: Chargers (11-5)

Wild Card: None

Actual Winner: Chargers (13-3)

SD: Well, the Broncos made the division interesting for at least 8 weeks but in the end the Chargers once again ran away with the AFC West. While it is easy to look back at the Broncos and say they collapsed once again, that is revisionist history. It is forgotten now but their 6 and 0 start was fueled by the Immaculate Deflection at Cincinnati in week #1 and wins against Oakland and Cleveland. The next three wins against Dallas (pre-Miles Austin), the Patriots at home and at the Chargers were impressive at the time but in hindsight the Cowboys were still struggling to find their offensive rhythm (see: overtime win at Kansas City the following week), the Patriots weren’t as strong as their reputations (and they were playing their former offensive coordinator) and the Chargers were coached by Norv Turner and therefore view the months of September and October as optional. Though, this in no way excuses home losses to the Raiders and Chiefs in the final 3 weeks of the season – that was just an embarrassment.

2010 Projection: Philip Rivers and the Chargers receivers continue to grow while at the same time the Chargers running game and defense slowly atrophies. Can the Chargers continue to improve or at least stay equally strong while feasting on the pathetic Chiefs and Raiders? At some point one of these other teams are going to grow up and challenge the Chargers. I think the Broncos are that team and a second year under Josh McDaniels may be the time. Assuming their quarterback gains confidence and they find a defensive coordinator, run defense, offensive line, running game and wide receiver to replace Brandon Marshall. See, they are just that close.  

2010 Winner: Broncos

Playoffs:

Wild Card:

Titans @ Chargers: After LaDanian and Phillip Rivers put 5 touchdowns on the Titans, Jeff Fisher stops second-guessing choosing moustache over full beard long enough to second-guess letting Albert Haynesworth sign with the Redskins.

Ravens @ Colts: Last year Bert Flacco proved that he won’t lose a playoff game for the Ravens. Unfortunately for him, Peyton has proven that he can win a playoff game for the Colts. Ray Lewis takes a stab at stopping him, but fails.

Divisional Playoffs:
Chargers @ Patriots: In the NFL, many hours and many words are spent analyzing teams and games, examining things from every possible angle – from individual position battles to the grass types used in various stadiums. However sometimes analyzing games is pretty simple.  Exhibit A: Norv Turner vs. Bill Belichick.

Colts @ Steelers: In the world of NFL stereotypes this would be a high-flying offense versus a dominating defense. But after the release of Marvin Harrison and the presumed kidnapping of Joseph Addai, the Colts offense won’t set scoring records like previous years. On the other side of the ball, the Steelers won a shootout with the Cardinals in the Super Bowl and the handcuffs are being taken off of Roethlisberger to really run this offense. And as Tahoe hotel hostesses will tell you, Big Ben is tough to handle when he isn’t being handcuffed.

AFC Championship:

Steelers @ Patriots: I consider this one too close to call. Frankly, I would say whichever team hosts this game becomes the winner here. So, you could argue that by placing second in the AFC East last season and securing a slightly easier schedule than 2008 AFC North Champ Steelers, the Patriots clinched another Super Bowl berth this year. Well played Pats. I tell you, Belichick really is a diabolical genius.

AFC Champion: Patriots

SD: Everything about this is so unbelievably wrong, it almost isn’t even worth talking about. Other than an incredibly insightful preview of the Ravens/Colts playoff game that actually did occur the rest of this is about as accurate as predictions on what will happen in the final season of Lost.

2010 Projections: So will last decade’s dynasties continue dominating the AFC for another year or do the new young promising teams step up and show who will be the leading teams in the teens? It is hard to say. But my early feeling is that the tide is turning so my initial call is that your 2010 AFC champs will be the Tennessee Titans after they beat the Steelers in the AFC title game.

Really the only thing we know for sure at this point is that the Chargers won’t play up to their ability. It is comforting to know that as a new decade dawns not everything changes.

We will come back next week with our review/preview of the NFC but this weekend Turner and I are taking a little field trip to JerryWorld. We are off to the NBA All Star Game and will have a full re-cap of the game and what it is like to watch a 110-yard long HD TV. Too bad J.R. Smith isn’t playing, I’m thinking some of his 3-pointers have a chance at hitting the bottom of the screen that the all of the NFL’s punters failed to hit this season.

We should have known that the defense would make the game-sealing play in Super Bowl XLIV.

When everything leading up to that point in the game had been the opposite of what we had expected, it was only fitting that with the game on the line, an unheralded defensive back from the Saints would make a play.

Just think about some of the things we saw in this game:

- The Colts having a more impressive running game than the Saints

- Queen Latifah going with the understated jeans look for singing God Bless America

- The Saints using a controlled short passing game to move up and down the field at will on the Colts defense

- Jay Leno appearing in an ad for the Late Show with David Letterman

- The Saints, rather than the Colts, making adjustments at halftime to change the course of the game

- Only one shot of the Manning family suite

- The old veteran kicker from the Colts missing while the young kicker from the Saints went 3 for 3

- Back to back ads featuring guys not wearing pants.

- An on-side kick outside of the final two minutes that was successful

How many of these things would you have been willing to bet on before the game? Any of them?

Yet, we saw them all and to me that is what defined this Super Bowl. Everything was the opposite of what we expected coming in

Everyone rushes to put Super Bowls in their historic context immediately after the confetti lands on the Lombardi trophy, but this year is going to be tough. Where does this fall?

After the last two years in which the game could be instantly classified (Giants over Pats: biggest upset in Super Bowl history; Steelers over Cardinals: top-five entertaining game) this year isn’t as easily categorizable (I don’t think that is a word either but you know what I mean).

Maybe above and beyond this game putting a light smudge on Peyton Manning’s incredible career (would Joe Montana or John Elway have ever thrown an interception on the final game winning drive in a Super Bowl?), maybe it is also the early warning sign of a shift in the tectonic plates of NFL power.

Historically, we may look back on Super Bowl XLIV as the bowl in which momentum shifted back to the NFC. After a decade of dominance in which the best teams and quarterbacks all played in the AFC, maybe this game shows that the power of in the game is going back to the NFC where it sat for all of the 80’s and most of the 90’s.

Two times in three years, the most heralded team in football, teams seriously contemplating completing a perfect season, led by a quarterback being compared against the greatest of all time brought their teams into the Super Bowl and lost to an underdog. And as you look across the NFC, there are a number of real contenders, while in the AFC we are beginning to see the relics of three potential dynasties that haven’t been able to re-load as they have lost talent and aged.

The Saints are a young team and as they continue to strengthen their defense are built for continued success. The Cowboys might have gotten over a major mental block this year. The Vikings’ only deficiencies sit in their Head Coach office and their reliance on a 40-year old quarterback incapable of making a decision in the off-season and in-capable of not making the big mistake in the big games. The Cardinals could pick up right where they left off with Leinart replacing Warner.

We have all been brainwashed to believe AFC teams are superior to NFC. Maybe the lesson of this Super Bowl is that we can no longer do that. The Saints proved that starting with that supposition is completely wrong.

Unlike all of those announcers on TV who are never held to account for their picks being wrong, I will take this opportunity to point out how wrong I was. I was exactly 180 degrees wrong to be precise.

I picked a final score of 31-17 last week.

I just picked the Colts to be the team scoring 31.

However, being proven completely wrong doesn’t change how happy I am that the Saints won. After the 5 year struggle to re-emerge from the devastation of Katrina, no town, state or region has ever been more deserving of a three week celebration than New Orleans and the entire gulf coast.

In fact I can honestly say that I have never been happier or cheered harder for a team not named the Broncos to win the Super Bowl. I know I am not alone in that there are a lot of us around the country that cheered like a bayou local last night and when Tracy Porter returned that interception for the game-sealing touchdown let out a yelp heard all the way down on St. Charles Street.

Who would have thought that the Saints could one day be the most unifying Super Bowl champion the country has ever seen.

Bizarro indeed.

When I was growing up one of my favorite movies was Clue. I was always a detective geek and the classic locked mansion murder mystery was my Star Trek. The first time we rented the videotape (kids, ask your parents), I remember seeing the three alternate endings and wondering if we rented a different copy would there be three other endings. Like a movie Choose-Your-Own-Adventure (kids, you may need to go to your grandparents for that one) each tape would bring different possible resolutions.

While the movie made each scenario as possible as the last, the final one was introduced with the placard “now, here is what really happened” and of course found a way to incriminate the entire cast – like a modern day Murder on the Orient Express (kids…umm… maybe grandparents again? If you have great-grandparents you can try them).

Anyway, in honor of Clue, I have decided to not just provide one preview of the Super Bowl but three separate previews with the final one being what will really happen. Almost like I am getting ready for my March Madness brackets a month early.

Scenario #1: The Saints are exposed as frauds and are steamrolled by the Colts machine. The Saints showed serious deficiencies toward the end of the season losing at home to the Bucs (seriously, the Bucs!) and have the 20^th ranked defense. If the wide receivers can’t get open or Brees doesn’t have time to wait for them, then the Colts could do what they do and we could be looking at a 21-3 halftime that puts everyone to sleep even before The Who come on. The Who will also be struggling to stay awake but that is mostly because halftime comes about 2 hours after their own bedtimes.

Scenario #2: The lack of running game finally catches up with the Colts. Has a Super Bowl champion ever had the worst running game in the league? Let’s say the Saints clamp down on Reggie Wayne and Dallas Clark and the already jittery young, unproven Colts wide receivers can’t get open for Peyton. The lack of running game could leave the Colts machine stuck in neutral. The Saints pop one or two big plays and their running game grinds out the clock.

Those are both perfectly acceptable possibilities for what could occur. But here is what will really happen.

The first half will inevitably be choppy as nerves impact the ability to make plays and both teams feel each other out like boxers in the early rounds of a championship fight (at least they did the last time I watched a fight which was probably back when Peyton Manning was still losing to Florida every fall).

The Colts won’t be able to run and will settle into an approach of short passes, probing and prodding the Saints defense. The Saints will have some success running the ball but won’t be able to sustain long drives as their big plays get shut down by the Colts secondary. A couple field goals in the first quarter and maybe one touchdown for each team in the second quarter, as Peyton finally finds a weakness and exploits it while the Saints finally get a big play out of their stable of playmakers. 13-10 Colts at the half.

Barring Reggie Bush taking over the game like he did against the Cardinals, the Saints just won’t be able to cobble together enough offense to offset the machine that is the Colts. As the second half wears on, the Colts are able to slowly grind down the Saints offense and slowly pull away, one long touchdown drive at a time. Final score: 31 – 17 Colts.

My logical side wants to talk about how the Saints will win due to the lack of running game for the Colts and their big-play ability but there is just one factor I can’t get over. A factor that is “six-five, 230-pound quarterbacks with a… laser rocket arm”. As I said the other day, this all comes down to the quarterbacks and right now Peyton is playing as close to perfect football as we have seen since the old Forty-Niner juggernauts.

I really wish I could come up with some unique spin on the game that all the experts are missing so I can call them all idiots (and for once be justified in my name calling). But I can’t.

Much like Jim Nantz owns CBS. Peyton owns the NFL right now. We are all just pawns in their chess game for global domination.

It is Super Bowl Sunday afternoon. You are standing in your buddy’s kitchen popping a Cheeto in your mouth when someone hands you a beer and asks you ‘so who are you cheering for today?’ You stutter and stammer pretending to be blinded by the sun gleaming off the snow in the back yard outside the window but in reality you don’t have an answer. Your team isn’t playing. Your team isn’t a rival of either team playing. Frankly, you have a stronger opinion on the Puppy Bowl over on Animal Planet (you are a beagle guy). You mumble a couple times and then throw out the first team that comes to mind.

For the remainder of the game you are associated with that team – you are congratulated when they do well and mocked when they do poorly. All for what was essentially the result of a mental coin-flip.

You don’t want to be that guy. You need to go into this game having made a clear decision as to which team you are backing. But again, you don’t want to rush into that decision rashly. Don’t pick the Saints because you like their uniforms. Don’t cheer on the Colts because you had Reggie Wayne on your fantasy team.

You can’t rely on just one factor for deciding who you will cheer and boo at your Super Bowl party this weekend. This is too big of a decision to make simply on the food of one city or where you think The Pelican Brief sits in Julia Roberts’s film canon. The game needs to be analyzed from every possible angle before landing on a team.

Fear not, the THH is here for you. For our third annual Super Bowl Extravaganza, we have identified 16 different criteria that we have used and you can use as well to determine who you will cheer on between trips to the seven-layer dip in the kitchen.

While we encourage everyone to play along at home, remember that we are trained professionals. We have toiled away for week after week all season just to be prepared for this one game. If you just jump right in to such a massive undertaking without the proper warm-up you are just begging for an injury. Watching the game with a pulled muscle is even less fun than accidentally cheering for the wrong team. Unless you get some of those awesome pain killers. Than you can pop one of those, drink a beer and watch it like Brett Favre does.

Anyway, without further babbling, on to our 16 decision points. Why 16? Well, because there is a certain former #8 that played for the Saints that wishes there were two of him right now.

Just in case, one of us comes up with a tie after regulation, we have invoked our own special overtime rules: one question sudden death.

Turner: The Super Bowl – it seems like such a distant thought last August as we embarked on another football season.  With such little expectations of our Broncos, we got a bit over excited and then reality set in.  My Niners are perfecting the Houston Texans role of the NFC where they will probably be getting to 7 or 8 wins for the next 10 years but will never be able to either 1) be in a position to draft Alex Smith or 2) be drafting late in the 1^st Round – being in the middle just sucks.  We learned that if you have a Turner as your coach, you will choke; if your coach is really fat, you will win; and if your coach is young, you will lose all your good players and replace them with aging Patriots (and coaches).  Karma set in for Brett Favre and for all of those who jumped on the Tony Romo bandwagon.  I can say it is much easier to just end the season early then sit through what the poor Viking fans had to endure but the good part about that is that instead of listening to Brett Favre love, we get to focus on shots of the parties occurring on South Beach, talk about an upgrade. 

If I were in Vegas, I’d jump on the Bill Simmons bandwagon of taking the Saints Money-line plus the Over.  I’d be putting $100 on that with enough winnings to cover The Shadow’s drinking problem for a month.  But sadly, we won’t be in Vegas but instead infiltrating the home of the Shadow’s father-in-law.  Preceded by taking SuperDave’s money in poker, we’ll then be buying little squares to get rich and eating little square brownies.  My only hope is the Shadow comes through with the BBQ Little Weenies with queso (Velveeta preferred).  If that happens, then it might be one of the most perfect days of my life.

Before we get into the picking, I must say I’m very proud of my 5 year old son.  He got a Colts hat this summer when we were in Indy (I made him use his allowance), he has been wearing it all week and has had to endure mocking at the hands of over-zealous Denver sports fans.  At one point someone said “Good to see you have him joining the bandwagon at an early age”, the moment I was proud of was he retorted (not knowing what the hell the meaning of ‘joining the bandwagon’ was).  “I like the Colts, they are the best and the Broncos can’t beat anyone”.  No normally, I’m not up for putting down the Broncos but to hear the passion coming out of a 5 year old as he is adopting his first team brought a little tear to my eye.  If only it wasn’t the Colts….

Shadow: Wow.  We are just 5 days away from the end of another NFL season <brushes away small tear from corner of eye>.  It seems like just yesterday your THH braintrust was sitting in a subpar sports bar in Lone Tree, Colorado watching the Broncos versus Cutler in the preseason……sitting in the South Stands and watching the Broncos finish off the Patsies in OT…… in Mandalay Bay getting super teased out of about $200 on can’t miss college games, then turning around and getting abused by both the Washington Redskins and a certain 4th and 2 call the next day.  It has been quite a ride this year.  

 As strange as it sounds, since it happens in February,  I consider the Super Bowl to be the end of the sports year, and what a year it has been for teams of the Shadow.  Iowa finally breaks through in a BCS bowl game and finishes ranked in the Top 10 (even though I have to suffer through a fall Saturday in Lincoln watching Iowa and OU both fall).  The Yankees won their one billionth championship (or spent their one billionth payroll dollar), and I get to see my fave Yankee core (Jeter, Posada, Pettite, Mo) celebrate one more time.  And even the Broncos outperformed my meager expectations for them….athough as detailed in past posts, they managed to underachieve at the exact same time…..weird.  When the hometown team missed the playoffs, I firmly set my rooting interests on the Saints, and if pressed, probably would have said I was pulling for the Jets in the AFC, although, truthfully, I coudn’t garner much love for any of the AFC entrants.  So, at least the Saints have worked out.  Now we await a clash of offensively explosive and defensively suspect juggernauts.  And luckily we have Super Dave to martial up a handy dandy THH checklist for us to determine who’s flag I will waive on Sunday, after I have relieved Turner and SD of some of their hard-earned money in our pre-kickoff Texas Hold Em tournament.

Hometown Division

1- Hometown you would rather visit: Indianapolis vs. New Orleans

SD: Starting with a softball are we? This question is more one-sided than the Forty-Niners/ Broncos Super Bowl. Ironically, played in New Orleans. So maybe I wouldn’t have wanted to be in New Orleans that day but for every day since I would take N’Awlins. (Colts 0 / Saints 1)

Turner: Interesting contract in the visitation rules on this one.  Having been to both in the last few years, a stark contrast in options and things to do. I believe this might have a lot to do with the stage of life you are in.  5 years ago, N.O. this would be a no brainer, drunken debauchery, showing my breasts and putting 8 guys in a hotel room b/c you are never there might have been the choice; but now that the family is with me (and I took them to Indy last summer), what is better than a good ol’ Midwestern trip.  Visiting the Indy Raceway, the best Children’s museum in the nation, the NCAA headquarters, and the site of the Hoosiers finale; seriously people, is there a contest?………Please, please, please take me to New Orleans.. (Colts 0 / Saints 1)

Shadow: When I still had associates reporting to me from the now-defunct Indy office, they described the city as being too hot and rainy in the summer and too snowy and cold in the winter, and not much else to write home about in between.  You have the most famous American car race versus Mardi Gras.  Sorry, we can stop there.  Any town where there is a chance I can throw cheap beads and see boobs wins.  Wins every time.  Easily.   Score:  Colts 0, Saints 1

2- Signature hometown Local Game Watching Snack: Breaded Pork Tenderloin Sandwich vs. Gumbo

SD: I haven’t had a breaded pork tenderloin sandwich but looking at pictures it looks an awful lot like the Schnitzel sandwich I had at Oktoberfest last fall which after drinking for 56 hours was the greatest thing I had ever tasted. Would it be as good after drinking for less than 56 hours? Hard to tell. Gumbo on the other hand is one of my all-time foods. And I have eaten it sober. (Colts 0 / Saints 2)

Turner: Never been a fan of the pork tenderloin sandwich, bad experience a time or two; but give me a bowl of spicy gumbo (or red beans and rice – inserting my own Local game watching food) any day and I’m happy (Note to the Shadow, I believe having Gumbo and/or Red Beans and Rice and/or Etoufee would be a major upgrade for our SB Watching party, hint, hint — or little smokies and Velveeta). (Colts 0 / Saints 2)

Shadow: I love some good gumbo.  Andouille Sausage, red beans, rice, just the right amount of spice to almost make you cry but not so much that you aren’t enjoying every minute of it.  But.  I am an Iowa boy, and am required to be partial to that classic midwestern meal, the breaded pork tenderloin.  Throw in a side of waffe fries and some good pickles, and sorry, but the gumbo takes a back seat. Score:  Colts 1, Saints 1

3 – Better Today Show Host: Jane Pauley (Indy native) vs. Bryant Gumbel (New Orleans native)

SD: Pauley went on to host Dateline which airs on NBC as frequently as Jay Leno. Strangely, it is also as funny as Jay Leno. Gumbel went on to Real Sports on HBO and more importantly was featured in the fictitious TV Show Gumbel to Gumbel on Family Guy. Family Guy is funny but it is no To Catch a Predator. (Colts 1 / Saints 2)

Turner: Jane Pauley’s voice has always annoyed me.  She wasn’t ever hot enough to just watch for watching’s sake and yet, I think she is 100 times better then Bryant Gumbel.  I don’t know why I have a dislike for him but I actually dread watching him as much as Gary Danielson call a Tim Tebow game. (although the fact that is name is so close to Gumbo makes him almost win this one) (Colts 1 / Saints 2)

Shadow: Wow, nice job restricting this to the Today Show.  If I was allowed to bring Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel into play, this wouldn’t have even been a contest.  But only basing this on their Today show tenures, let’s face it…..after Pauley was forced out as co-host ratings plummeted.  Gumbel just never comes off as genuine to me, and that is a problem.  I am going to have to go with Jane Pauley here.  Score:  Colts 2, Saints 1

Team Divison

4 – Mascot: Colts vs. Saints

SD: I hate generic nicknames that could move to different location (from Baltimore to Indianapolis for example) and apply just as well. Saints leaving New Orleans would be blasphemous. That is like naming a basketball team in the whitest state in America ‘the Jazz’ (Colts 1 / Saints 3)

Turner: I’ve always love the Saints playing in N.O. Seems just so wrong, sort of like having the Virgins playing in Las Vegas, yet the Gold and Black are great.  Not exactly sure where Colts came from but just can’t hang with the Saints, don’t really care about the story. (Colts 1 / Saints 3)

Shadow: A team named the Colts that have a blue Horse type thing as their mascot.  Okay, I can see it, makes sense.  A team named the Saints in the deep south that have a Saint Bernard named Gumbo.  WTF?  Of all the directions they could have gone, they go with a dog who really only makes sense on a high alpine pass rescuing skiers, or in the owner’s box at Riverfront Stadium circa 1990.  Kind of inexcusable.  Colts may have a run of the mill mascot, but at least it makes sense.  Score:  Colts 3, Saints 1

5 – Quarterback’s Alma Mater: Tennessee vs. Purdue

SD: I guess on this one I sort of decided the other day when I said “Manning chose Tennessee which lost to Florida every year he was there, has a mascot that has nothing to do with their team nickname and has hideous orange colors. Probably the worst decision Peyton has made in his life not involving the phrase ‘on stage singing with Kenny Chesney’.” To go back and pick the southern school that lives and breathes for football would make me a flip flopper which I am not since I don’t have a political constituency to worry about offending by actually having a backbone. (Colts 1 / Saints 4)

Turner: Have to go with old Rocky Top on this one. I respect Purdue for running the crazy offense and winning at an engineering school but it just lacks the tradition to compete.  The checkered end-zone and remembering watching Peyton lead the band in Rocky Top is great for college football. (Colts 2 / Saints 3)

Shadow: Big 10 love, no doubt.  Score:  Colts 3, Saints 2

6 – Better Helmet logo: Horsehoe vs. Fleur De Lis

SD: Robert Langdon tried to make the Fleur De Lis a sinister symbol of a shady organization set on destroying the church. He must have gotten it confused with this. Regardless, that is a cooler decal than a horseshoe. (Colts 1 / Saints 5)

Turner: See Question 4: the only thing that Colts helmet has is that it goes way back but it is just plain boring, like the rest of their uniforms.  Any team that has a logo made up of three words automatically wins (Colts 2 / Saints 4)

Shadow: This isn’t hockey.  I can appreciate a city wanting to pay tribute to their history, like all those pirates that invaded Tampa Bay, or the abundance of Bengal tigers in the wilds of Ohio…but when what you are celebrating is French, and is actually a representation of a flower, it doesn’t really intimidate.  Give me that faithful good luck charm, the horseshoe.  Score:  Colts 4, Saints 2

7 – Worse Team: 1991 Colts (1-15) vs. 1980 Saints (1-15)

SD: Interesting to look back at both of these teams and see names that make you think ‘hey, he was good. How did they only win one game?’ Eric Dickerson and Archie Manning were on these teams. Of course Eric had to play with perennial underachiever Jay Cut…I mean Jeff George and the only other names I recognize on the Saints is Chuck Muncie and Wes Chandler who won’t be confused for a team with Roger Craig and Jerry Rice. The Saints big deficit was on defense (ranked last practically across the board) while the Colts team brought a more well-rounded suckitude. For really epitomizing the team concept I will go with the Colts (Colts 2 / Saints 5)

Turner: It has to be the Saints… I say this mostly not b/c of their horrid ability but b/c until this year they were not really able to turn it around.  At least the Colts got out of their depression and have turned into a semi-AFC-dynasty (except for beating San Diego) in the past decade where the Saints have essentially gone 30 years of nothingness. (Colts 2 / Saints 5)

Shadow: The 1991 Colts scored 143 points.  For the whole season.  16 games.  That is monumentally pathetic.  The 1980 Saints doubled that, and gave rise to the “Aints” and the paper bags.  Based on that, the 1991 Colts are the worst.  Score:  Colts 5, Saints 2

8 – Coach’s clothing: Long Sleeve Tee under short sleeved polo vs. Visor

SD: My affection for the visor is well-documented. It is the only bridge on which I could relate to Steve Spurrier even at the height of the UF/FSU Cold War in the late 90’s. The visor served the same function as the Olympics for the real cold war. The one thing I could put aside my differences with Steve and agree about. (Colts 2 / Saints 6)

Turner: This is like giving Peyton Manning at +800 to win the Superbowl MVP.  It is that much of a no-brainer bet.  The longsleeve tee uder the polo (especially when inside) versus the stylish visor, seriously??  This goes back to my SuperDave picture he sent when he wore his visor and pulled the Gruden.  Only cool people with the right kind of hair can pull off the Visor and Superdave and Sean Payton are two of them.  I wish the Shadow and I could be so cool (to be fair, I’ve never seen the shadow in a visor but I don’t think it would work, he doesn’t have the right facial tone or hair for it) (Colts 2 / Saints 6)

Shadow: I tend to really hate shirts under shirts, especially as in this pic where it is even the same color……but I also think visor’s are really only appropriate if you are going golfing, or you are Steve Spurrier.  Such a toss up here.  I am going to have to go with the visor as the lesser fashion evil here, but let’s be honest, I am really in no position to be passing judgement on fashion of any kind.  Score:  Colts 5, Saints 3

9 – Less intimidating name: Pierre Garcon vs. Devery Henderson

SD: I don’t know what a Devery is but no matter what it is it must be tougher than a guy that sounds like a French Maitre D. (Colts 3 / Saints 6)

Turner: – 200 points to SuperDave for note finding the proper ‘c’ in Garcon.  If he could have found the little squiggly thing under the C to make it authentic, I then would have realized that he spent as much time preparing this post as I am responding to it. His lack of quality continues to struggle this year.  As for Pierre vs. Devery, I think I’d be more intimidated by Devery b/c I’d spend 20 minutes asking the guy, “what is really your name, Every? Avery?, Devery, huh??” versus Pierre.  That is sort of like Ollie in my book, those are the guys I use to think I could beat up (knowing I really can’t or haven’t ever been able to beat anyone up)  (note – important stat from the SportsGuy this week, the odds of 2 people playing an NFL game named Pierre (Garcon and Thomas) is like 125 million to 1.  Pretty amazing stuff) (Colts 3 / Saints 6)

Shadow: Pierre is a French name.  Enough said.  Nothing is less intimidating than the French.  Seriously.  Napoleon conquered much of Europe, but if you met him in an alley would you be intimidated?  I didn’t think so.  Score:  Colts 6, Saints 3

Law And Order Division

10 – Weirder legal story paralleling a Judd Apatow movie : Marvin Harrison killing a guy like Brick Tamland vs. Saints players going full-frontal like Peter Bretter

SD: I don’t know anything about the two Saints that decided to let a couple ladies get up close and personal with their Dirk Digglers so I can’t really judge how weird it is. Marvin Harrison we all thought we knew – or at least knew enough to think there wasn’t anything interesting to know. Ya know? (Colts 4 / Saints 6)

Turner: Has to be Marvin.  How is he even strong enough to pick up a gun.  This one completely amazes me beyond belief.  This actually was the last THH category I worked on so the Saints have already wrapped it up so I have it to the Colts b/c an 11-5 football score just really doesn’t work.  Besides – is there really a problem with “New Orleans is certainly a wild and wacky place, but that doesn’t mean you can go around waving your junk at women in public willy-nilly”  I don’t find this practice wrong at all in N.O.  In fact I would say if it isn’t happening then it isn’t a party (not that I want to see it) but this is America and I believe in equal rights for men and women to freely display themselves on  Bourbon Street however they please, it is not like anyone is going to remember it the next morning. (Colts 4 / Saints 6)

Shadow: Marvin Harrison killed a guy with a trident?  Seriously, though, he is the last person I would ever expect to be caught up in a murder plot.  Plus, who hasn’t peed in a parking lot at one time or another…that isn’t weird at all.  Score:  Colts 7, Saints 3

11 – More likely to get arrested before game: Anyone on the Colts vs. Jeremy Shockey

SD: Marvin Harrison seemed like the most boring, quiet guy in the entire NFL and he may have killed a guy. There is a lesson there. You know there must be another closet crazy in the Colts locker room. My money is on Austin Collie. (Colts 5 / Saints 6)

Turner: Shockey – hands down.  Would have gone with a potential Vanderjadt arrest but he has been replaced by a 42 year old kicker (Colts 4 / Saints 7)

Shadow:  Seeing as how the Colts have been there before, I just see them following the lead of their squeaky clean (almost too squeaky clean?) QB and all turning in and lights out each night between 8:45 and 9:00 PM.  The Saints, however, will probably be on South Beach, peeing in parking lots, and showing off their Fleur de Lis tattoos.  So, I think it is highly likely Shockey would end up in the pokey before any Colt.  Score:  Colts 7, Saints 4

12 – Super Bowl week scandal you would rather see: Eli Manning sneaking into Peyton’s room to pull a Gilooley and keep him from playing in the game vs. John Carney caught trying to stab Garrett Hartley in the leg to take back his Saints kicking job

SD: John Carney kicked in New Orleans for 6 years. Garrett Hartley played 13 games for the Saints, served a suspension for steroid use earlier this season (seriously), kicked the most important field goal in franchise history and will be a New Orleans legend forever like Rich Karlis in Denver, Adam Vinatieri in New England and Scott Norwood in Buffalo. Umm, nevermind on that last one (and sorry about that, Buffalo). How mad does Carney have to be today? Eli knows deep in his heart that he doesn’t deserve one Super Bowl trophy so how mad could he be if Peyton has one more than he does? (Colts 5 / Saints 7)

Turner: The thought of SuperDave trying to bring down the greatest Oklahoma kicker since R.D. Lasher is maddening.  However, it wouldn’t really make for a great story b/c I don’t believe that FG kickers will be relevant in this game.  You know there is a little bit of Eli hanging around saying that he has as many SB’s as his brother so why shouldn’t he be the highest paid player in the league (B/C YOU SUCK) and that might cause a bit of a riot.  I do hear that Eli has a bit of a man-crush on Curtis Painter so that might just be the secret plot. (Colts 5 / Saints 7)

Shadow: I just couldn’t stomach seeing brother turn on brother.  America has had enough of that in the Civil War, and with Matt and Jeff Hardy.  What would make the other headline even better is if Carney was wide right and stabbed Garret in the **** instead, rendering him the first eunuch kicker in the NFL.  Score:  Colts 7,  Saints 5

The Ladies Division

13 – The Bring It On Memorial Better Looking Cheerleaders Contest: Colts vs. Saints (aka The Saintsations)

SD: Let’s face it. The Saints cheerleaders had me at Saintsations. After a quick scan of the websites, neither team seems to have any one jaw-dropper, so I will go with the Saints – especially since their site is much easier to actually look at the team. They also must be able to keep their tans easier and you know they like to have a good time. That is enough for me. (Colts 5 / Saints 8 )

Turner: I really thought this was a going to be a no-brainer with the Saints running away but after a little research, I’m beginning to question my answer on #15.  Maybe N.O. really doesn’t have that much talent that then causes Reggie to have to go chase tail with Kim.  Very disappointed in that quality of the Saintsations, did they all get pushed out during Katrina and never return?  We have a problem.  PLUS – Coltettes have Ashli (see question 14).  That sealed the deal with the research; stripper names always win. Plus Samantha from Cox Creek just makes me giddy with the possibilities…I’m planning my next bachelor vacation there. (Colts 6 / Saints 7)

Shadow: This question required the most painstaking research of any of them.  I put true effort into looking at over 1,000 pictures to try and come up with my final verdict.  I think at one point I may have violated my company’s IT equipment usage policy (don’t tell Turner).  In the end, I think I may be in love with Amanda T. of the Saintsations, and they also get bonus points for a much better website experience.  Score:  Colts 7,  Saints 6

14 – Hotter Quarterback’s Wife: Ashley Manning vs. Brittany Brees

SD: Drew has done well for himself, but has any NFL player married further over his head than Peyton? I am not an expert on the relative attractiveness of men but could women find Peyton anything but goofy looking? Ashley, while not flashy (see below), has a very girl-next-door attractiveness. Peyton wins yet again. (Colts 6 / Saints 8 )

(Also for those keeping score at home, this also means Peyton is the winner of my Quarterback showdown from the other day – giving the Colts the early edge in winning the whole game).

Turner: If only Ashley spelled her name Ashli – then she could fall in the stripper name spelling contest and would likely make her a big winner in this.  (long story regarding the Shadow and his fake name obsession – Francis is what he goes by).    Going to have to support Peyton on this one.  I’m sure Brittney does a lot of good work but I think the fact that Ashley is a school teacher and is fairly attractive, makes her every 7th grade boy’s dream.  I know I would have been a really good boy back then if I had her teaching my sex ed class. (Colts 7 / Saints 7)

Shadow: Both are a pair of lookers,  but my vote goes to Mrs. Manning.  She just looks like she is more fun and down to earth, kind of like I think Peyton is off the field.  Score:  Colts 8, Saints 6

15 – Hotter E! Show Star Significant Other: Kendra Baskett vs. Kim Kardashian

SD: The Kardashians represent everything I hate about celebrity culture today. People who became famous for no reason, milking their fifteen minutes as long as possible. Yet, I am almost ashamed to admit that I think Kim is absolutely gorgeous. Sure, it helps that I haven’t seen the sex tape featuring her and a guy with his own VH1 reality show but I will pick her any day over a moronic blonde that slept with a creepy octogenarian for years to become famous. Oh, wait I should clarify – Kendra is the moronic blond with the crazy laugh that slept with a creepy octogenarian for years to become famous. (Colts 6 / Saints 9)

Turner: Gotta go with Kendra Basket on this one.  This is more of a protest vote that I think the whole Kardashian family (and now Jenner family) is a complete over-hyped waste of this land.  Sorry I don’t have more commentary but trying to think of why Reggie Bush would go for Kim just completely blows my mind, the southern belles down in the Bayou have so much more to offer. (Colts 8 / Saints 7)

Shadow: Unlike the previous question, I have seen both of these women “au natural” thanks to a little magazine featuring a bunny logo.  Kim definitely has some “assets”, emphasis on the…well, you know….but Kendra does really have that girl next door vibe, and in my book, that takes it every time.  Score:  Colts 9, Saints 6

16 – Favorite Super Bowl half-time moment: Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction vs. pre-K-Fed Britney in slutty, ripped up football jersey (Janet’s from Indiana, Brittany’s from Louisiana)

SD: Has any star fallen further than Brittany Spears? Can you imagine looking up in 2018 and seeing Taylor Swift with two kids, a shaved head and an ex-husband whose entire wardrobe consists of wife-beater tank tops and jogging suits? That is depressing just to think about and yet here we are with Brittany. Given all the craziness since, it is easier to forget that Brittany stared as one of the original “If she was only older, I would totally…” stars of the internet era. It could almost be argued that Super Bowl halftime appearance may have been the peak of her life. Give me that over .003 seconds of some 40-plus year old boob any day. (Colts 6 / Saints 10)

Turner: The Janet thing was way overblown but the pre-K-Fed Britney…..wow……If my DVR hadn’t run out of space, that would still be Tivo’d  (nice job by SuperDave for pulling this one out, though I know he was probably looking at his Britney wall of fame when writing this) (Colts 8 / Saints

{Ed. Note: By my count this is a tie and should invoke our overtime question. However, somehow Turner counted this as a 2-question win by the Saints. I am tired so maybe I am mis-counting. Or Turner is miscounting b/c you can never trust someone that is too lazy to spell out ‘because’. Thankfully he answered the overtime question anyway so we get a definitive winner.

Shadow: I was in the midst of celebrating a halftime football pool win and discussing the random selling of unclaimed squares before the second half, so my back was to the TV when the “Ms. Jackson if your nasty” moment occurred, so I never saw it live.   I have always been a little confused by the Britney phenomenon…..at times, like Garth Algar once so eloquently put it, “she makes me feel funny”…at other times, it just makes me sad to see her struggle.  When this Super Bowl halftime hit early in the decade, I was still very much in the “she makes me feel funny” phase, especially since she was no longer jailbait.  Hit me baby, one more time.  (this vote may also be colored by the fact that I just read a Chuck Klosterman interview with Britney, and is writing is good enough to make anyone shine).  Score:  Colts 9, Saints 7

The Father’s Love Tie- Breaker

17 – Who is Archie Manning really cheering for?

Turner: It has to be the Saints.  He can’t have one son with more SB’s than the other, that is showing favoritism, plus would you rather have your whole city happy that completely adores you and worships you.  I bet he is secretly hoping that Energy Futures skyrocket so their other son Cooper makes more money than both of them combined.

That does it – Saints win this one on 5 Darren Sharper safeties….  It was such a boring game that SuperDave turned on the E! network at halftime and we watched the live simulcast of the Kim Kardashian box for the 2^nd half as she ate an entire pot of Velveeta and 145 Little Smokies.  At least we will have one thing in common with her come this Sunday.

Shadow: Not that a tie-breaker is needed, but in all honesty, I think deep down, Archie is pulling for the Saints.  If Hayden ever grows up to play baseball and he is on the Red Sox, I will still root for the Yankees every time they play…although I will hope that Hayden has decent at-bats.  Final Score:  Colts 9,  Saints 8 

So, it looks like Peyton and company will be celebrating once again, and he will resume his place as the Manning brother with more Super Bowl hardware, which is as it should be. If this happens, I am sure it will be due to the Casino Royale theme being played at some point in the Colts locker room at halftime, or maybe because Marvin Harrison wacked Drew Brees during the opening lineup announcements.  Maybe instead of saying he is going to Disneyland, Peyton will break into “Rocky Top” and twist the dagger even more into the hearts of his family….first betrayed Ole Miss, and now defeats the Saints in the Super Bowl….say it ain’t so.  All I know is that the Colts fans better enjoy it now, as there isn’t a team in the league that is more than a one-trick pony than this team.

SD: So that is it for another football season of the Hierarchy of Hate. It looks like I will end this year cheering for the Saints to dominate the Colts as much on the field as they did here. THH will be going on hiatus for awhile this spring so you will need to pick who to cheer for on your own for awhile but I think you are ready to take off the training wheels. Always remember that fried foods and attractive women are typically reliable indicators of the right team to cheer on. We will be back this summer when we take THH global for the World’s Game. That’s right THH is taking on the World Cup.

You think we can be insulting to the Big Ten? Wait until we get hold of Italy.

Over the next several days, you can find the Super Bowl broken down in every way imaginable. Whether it is a comparison of each team’s pass rush or punting abilities, there is someone out there in cyber space analyzing what happens in this game in every possible permutation.

That is fine and all. Really I am impressed by all the people that do that. God knows they are smarter and more motivated than I am. I am as excited as anyone for this game not living in the 317 and 504 area codes but do you really care which team I think has an edge on the double reverse?

No. And you know why? Because we can examine Hunter Smith’s ability to pin the Saints inside the 20-yard line all day and all night and it doesn’t matter for one simple reason. Hunter Smith won’t decide this game.

This Super Bowl comes down to one thing: which quarterback plays better. For the first time since 2005 we have 2 of the top 5 quarterbacks in the NFL playing in the Super Bowl. And, oh by the way, they are both playing against mediocre defenses.

So, which quarterback will be the deciding factor and most likely MVP? There is only one way to know. To break it all down scientifically. As Obama said last week, even those that don’t believe in climate change or evolution despite overwhelming evidence won’t be able to argue with this.

Family

Peyton Manning comes from the first family of football. His dad is a legend in both Mississippi and New Orleans and his brother is the only Super Bowl MVP that has been compared to Mitch Kramer from Dazed and Confused. Even if it was just by me.

Drew Brees’ estranged mother tried to become his agent and then illegally used his image while running for a political office before committing suicide.

Edge: Manning (1-0). Suicide is not funny so I won’t make a joke. But really the only way the Manning family gets better is if it had a lefty.

High School Recruitment

Peyton Manning was the biggest recruit in the country and when he chose Tennessee over Ole Miss, Rebel nation was so upset that the Tuohys threatened to adopt Eli to make sure at least he would go to Ole Miss.  

Drew Brees wasn’t even recruited by his home state school and ended up in the Big Ten at Purdue. Is it just me or is the Big Ten like the Island of Misfit Toys? All the poor toys not wanted by their home state schools end up there.

Edge: Brees (1-1). Brees had to go wherever would take him. Manning chose Tennessee which lost to Florida every year he was there, has a mascot that has nothing to do with their team nickname and has hideous orange colors. Probably the worst decision Peyton has made in his life not involving the phrase ‘on stage singing with Kenny Chesney’.

Physical Size

Peyton Manning is the prototype size for an NFL quarterback. As you may remember that is “six-five, 230-pound quarterbacks with a… laser rocket arm”

Drew Brees was considered to be too small to be an NFL quarterback. 6’0” and 210 pounds. Yet more evidence that the NFL scouting system is foolproof.

Edge: Brees (2-1). As a normal sized dude I have always been discriminated against. In fact every time I go to a store and look for clothes on the sale rack, there is nothing that fits. I bet Drew has this same problem. Peyton on the other hand probably gets his pick of XXL clothes that are always on super-clearance. I hate those guys.

NFL Draft

Peyton Manning was the 1^st overall draft pick just ahead of Ryan Leaf in the 1998 NFL draft. Which begs the bar debate: which draft pick was the bigger make or break decision? Manning over Leaf or Lebron over Darko?

Drew Brees was drafted 32^nd overall in the 2^nd round by the Chargers, the second quarterback taken in that draft behind Michael Vick (1^st overall).

Edge: Manning (2-2). Manning gets the edge for being drafted ahead of a psycho rather than a full round behind a psycho. Sort of like drunk drivers, it is always best to get out ahead and away from all the trouble.

NFL Team

Peyton Manning has spent his entire career with the Indianapolis Colts.

Drew Brees spent several years with the San Diego Chargers and despite a Pro Bowl appearance was released and signed with the New Orleans Saints in 2006.

Edge: Brees (3-2). Didn’t you read above? Manning has spent the last decade in Indianapolis and Brees has spent the last decade splitting time between San Diego and New Orleans.

Marriage

Actually, let’s call this a draw for now. We will come back to this one later this week in the Super Bowl THH extravaganza.

Charitable Foundation

Manning has the Peyback Foundation to support Children’s charities

Brees has the Brees Dream Foundation to assist in re-developing from Katrina

Edge: Manning (3-3). Brees Dream is kind of a lame name for a charity. What about ‘Life is a Brees Foundation’ or ‘Won-drew-ful World Foundation’. The Peyback Foundation has a nice ring to it. Very Kevin Spcey-ish

WWTD Factor (What Would Tebow Do)

Manning has a children’s hospital wing named after him

Brees is known as Breesus in New Orleans

Edge: Brees (4-3). Writing  a large check and getting something named after you doesn’t necessarily make you Tebow worthy – just look at Enron Field. A nickname that is a take off on Jesus? Even Timmy doesn’t have that going for him.

Politics

Manning has donated money to George W. Bush

Brees filmed a United Way commercial with President Obama

Edge: Brees (5-3) Umm, seriously this needs explanation?

TV Time

Brees did a spot for SportsCenter, the National Football Posts’ Fantasy Football Leagues and soon will do a commercial for Pampers

Manning did a spot for SportsCenter with his family as well as commercials for at least 1,437 other companies

Edge: Manning (4-5). Yes, the Brees SportsCenter ad was good but just on sheer numbers you have to go with Peyton. I will even forgive those Double Stuff Racing League commercials. I just assume Eli talked him into that one.

Impressing the Cool Kids

Manning was in one of the 5 best SNL segments of this millennium

Brees will be the King of Bacchus prior to this year’s Mardi Gras parade

Edge: Manning (5-5). Sooner or later you have to assume that Manning, the N’Awlins native son will get named as a Mardi Gras king. Until Brees banishes a kid to a porta-john for missing a pass, you have to go with Manning.

So, after in-depth scientific analysis, we are still too close to call. Thankfully we left one decision until another day. In our THH later this week, we will pick between Mrs. Brees and Mrs. Manning and ultimately decide which quarterback has the advantage and gives his team the early edge in winning the Super Bowl.

As with most things in married life, the ladies will end up making the final decision in this one.