Just in time for your fooball Sunday, the Shadow comes through with his THH for week #1.

Finally, the glorious return of football tonight, coming down to the final play, and that means the glorious return of THH.  This offseason has given us plenty to hate:  the brief, but also too long, NFL Lockout, crappy second-rate superhero movies (Green Lantern), and the fact that Friday Night Lights will go down as one of the most underappreciated shows in TV History.  While those were all worthwhile outlets for hate, it is going to be good to get back to the bread and butter of THH.

College 

Stanford versus Duke:  I think I would probably rather watch a game with ol’ Rooster Cogburn himself than Stanford.  Red Foxx was always good for some laughs, but I was more partial to ‘Son’.

 Wofford versus Clemson:  Wow.  A weird frugal preacher dude who reminds me of Edgar Allen Poe, or a person who when you look at his picture just screams, “Old South Confederate”.  I just can’t get behind watching football with a man of the cloth.  Guess I better learn how to do a rebel yell.

 NFL

Steelers vs Ravens:  Whoops.  Guess I should have kept my Edgar Allen Poe reference for this match-up.  I appreciate literary call-outs as much as the next guy, but I just can’t support picking names through democracy and polls.  If we have learned anything from this life, it is that when you leave the decision in the hands of the masses, you end up with the following travesties:  Taylor Hicks, George W. Bush, and of course, Proposition 8.  The Steelers mascot, on the other hand, just oozes lower middle class blue collar-ness….and that is just how I like it.

 Seahawks vs 49ers:  For a person who majored in History in college (man has that degree really opened doors for me!), I have to go with Turner’s Niners here.  Just like the Steel industry is an apropos backdrop for Pittsburgh’s team, it is safe to say that without the gold rush of 1849, there might not have been an NFL team in San Fran.  Plus, when I put ‘Gold Rush’ into Google, this is the first image that came up.  Game, set, match.

With the first week of football I should be feeling a lot of emotions: excitement, joy, contentment, hunger.

Instead I feel shame.

For the first time in the 4 plus years of writing for this site, a football weekend went by without a Hierarchy of Hate to guide how you should direct your cheering efforts. I have no excuse. I simply forgot. Time got away from me. I had other things to write about. The cat ate my network connection.

Whatever. There are no legitimate excuses. I failed you. I imagine someone sitting on their couch with a Go Ducks t-shirt and Geaux Tigers sign, rapidly refreshing the site, unsure of which to wave on Saturday night, yearning to know how the number of coffee shops in Baton Rouge and Eugene compare and thus who to pull for.

All I can offer at this point is my humble apologies. And a promise.

To the fans and everybody in profootballblogger Nation, I’m sorry. I’m extremely sorry. We were hoping for an undefeated season. That was my goal, something we have never done here. I promise you one thing, a lot of good will come out of this. You will never see any blogger in the entire country write as hard as I will write the rest of the season. You will never see someone push the rest of the THH team as hard as I will push everybody the rest of the season. You will never see a team write harder than we will the rest of the season.God Bless.

On to this week’s inaugural 2011 picks.

We decided to ring in the 2011 season we would go back to the beginning.

Not the beginning of THH. The beginnings of each team.

Unfortunately Turner and the Shadow can’t join us this week as they both had to have neck surgery today with an eye toward being back in the game before the end of the seas….what’s that? Oh, that was Peyton Manning? Then, yeah they are just both slackers.

I apparently have a lot of work to do to fulfill that promise.

College: Which university namesake would you most want to watch a game with?

Stanford vs Duke

SD: Leland Stanford was a railroad tycoon and politician. The Duke family had grown wealthy by growing tobacco and gave so much money to a local school it was renamed after them. I have had many goals in life (win an Olympic gold medal, win a fishing tournament, live in a houseboat behind McCovey Cove) but one of them is to be referred to as a Tycoon. As a history/business geek I have read several books about the early 1900’s when the country was run by a small band of rich, ruthless men who were always referred to as tycoons. It is such a perfect descriptor. With six simple letters you can call someone a rich, powerful asshole. That is efficiency. I may not have wanted to work for old Leland back in the day but give me a tycoon over tobacco barons any day.

Wofford vs Clemson

SD: Wofford is named after Reverend Benjamin Wofford a local Methodist Minister. Thomas Clemson married the daughter of former Vice President John Calhoun and inherited the land on which Clemson now stands from the Calhoun family. So Wofford was a local reverend who wanted to do good for his neighborhood while Clemson was a guy who lived in Paris while young, married into a rich, powerful family, out-lived the entire family, completely eclipsed that family in the country’s shared memory and then donated their land to start the school with the 2^nd best looking co-eds in the ACC. This contest is more one-sided than the game will be. Thomas Clemson might be my new hero in life.

NFL: Which mascot do you think best represents its hometown city?

Steelers vs Ravens

SD: The Steelers are obviously named for the local steel industry which means if they wanted to be truly authentic, they would be in the process of relocating to Guangzhou, China. On the contrary, the Ravens are a reference to the famous story written by Baltimore native Edgar Allan Poe. Of course, if a Raven were seen in Baltimore today, it would be shot by one of the cities criminals popularized by the TV show The Wire. Or one of the criminals that plays football for the local team. Either way, the bird would be dead and Jason Whitlock would spend a 1,000 words telling us why the dead bird is a metaphor for The Wire being more important than any book ever written. Whatever Jason. I still like books. Especially, in comparison to molten metal. Go Ravens.

Seahawks vs 49ers

The 49ers are named for the gold miners that swarmed northern California after a mother lode was discovered in 1849. The Seahawks are named after…hawks…that…like…live…near the sea…or something. Frankly, I spent the majority of 3 years in Seattle and never saw anything remotely resembling a sea hawk. Other than the homeless junkie that lived on the stairs near my hotel that bore a striking resemblance to Charlie Whitehurst. If the Seattle football team wants to name themselves after a fictional animal maybe they could have picked a fiercer animal. Like a Griffin. Or a Liger. Or a Unicorn. At least we have historical proof of the 49ers existence. And I bet some of them even became gold tycoons. Awesome. Go Niners.

The clouds have returned to Seattle this week. A fitting metaphor for the beginning of my football season. Losses by the Broncos and Seminoles and a fantasy loss thanks to one of my least favorite quarterbacks (Phillip Rivers) and least favorite teams (Chiefs ) coming together in a perfect storm of suckitude.

The clouds have returned but will the rain follow? Is summer officially done? Will it cool off at home? I am left with questions still unanswered. Also a fitting metaphor for football.

The Seminoles answered several questions with their performance on Saturday (notably: no, the defense is not improved and yes, they still have a chance to win an embarrassingly bad ACC) but the Broncos answered few if any questions.

Who will replace the production of Brandon Marshall (on the field I mean, not in the legal system)? It appears the answer is: anyone and everyone with two arms and two legs.

Was the 30-minute lightening delay a punishment of Jacksonville for not drafting Tebow or punishment of the Broncos for not allowing OLASTT more than 3 plays?

Will the running game come around? Ran for 89 yards and a TD but stirred so little confidence in their head coach that he went out and traded for a busty (but not in a good way) New England Patriot. It says something about Maroney’s production for the Patriots that when I heard about the trade my first instinct was ‘well at least he has cool hair’.

Whose name sounds more like a power forward in the WNBA: Marcedes Lewis or Michael Sims-Walker? Actually this was answered. It’s Sims-Walker. That hyphen is a dead giveaway.

Is the defense improved? They held MJD under 100 yards, the Jags under 300 total yards and weren’t scored upon for the first 29 minutes of the game but ultimately gave up 24 points to a team that could most charitably be described as ‘probably better than the Bills’.

Basically, Bronco nation still doesn’t know what we have. But to look on the bright side: at least we aren’t 49er or Jets fans.

With that, let’s look at this week’s schedule and find some teams to loathe.

Turner: I’m going to write this week’s THH in as many words as FSU scored last weekend OR the number of Bud Lights that Super Dave drank after the game (those are the same number). I apologize for the short-ness of this but a week in Oklahoma, Denver, Philadelphia, Wilmington DE, Knoxville, and then Denver in 5 days has taken its toll on Turner.

Shadow: Hate is healthy.  Hate is good.  Hate is invigorating.  Here are the things I am hating on in this particular week:  strep throat, tomato soup, fevers, Devil Rays, and any infomercial on TV at 2:30 AM (especially the one for the “grill glove”).  Being sick sucks.  Having to work from home isolated from all of your friends, including missing out on a boondoggle with Turner in Delaware sucks.  Only thing that was a benefit of a 104 degree stupor on Sunday afternoon slipping in and out of a fitful sleep was the fact that I didn’t have to personally witness the Broncos come up short in Jacksonville.  It looked painful from the highlights.  Looks like maybe we should run the two minute offense all game.  At least I was conscious to see Iowa pummel Iowa State, while I kept flipping back to ABC to catch up with OU/FSU, and assumed Dave was getting progressively drunker and hatier at me for picking OU.

College

California @ Nevada

SD: This match-up of neighbors reminds me of that phenomenal story from a couple years ago when a Nevada kid decided to just completely make up his own recruitment by big-time football programs. This poor kid has been mocked and ridiculed since his press conference to announce his decision to attend Cal over Oregon, despite neither school ever even hearing of him. I’m not going to pile on because I love this idea. This guy shouldn’t be laughed at, he should be admired. So in honor of Kevin Hart I am going to take this opportunity to announce my new job writing for SI.com. I will be writing a weekly column for Sports Illustrated providing my unique perspective on the world of sports. Please stop by and check it out. The first one should go up just as soon as they tell me how to submit each column for posting. I am sure my email just got lost in someone’s in-box. Also in honor of Hart, I will cheer on Cal here. If they are good enough for him, they are good enough for me.

Turner: I’ve never been a fan of the Golden Bear, I always preferred Tom Watson

Shadow: I have a “road” trip coming up to Vermont this week, so today’s THH will be based around where I would rather drive through.  In California I get the PCH and Napa Valley.  In Nevada all I get is miles and miles of hot, flat, nothingness (kind of like Turner’s ability to pick parlays).  The Golden Bears in a blow-out.

Clemson @Auburn

You could call this the All-Pretentious Bowl (unless you live in either of the states where these schools are located because then odds are decent you have no idea what that word means). Despite both being state schools neither school lays claim to the name of the state in which they are located or the word ‘State’. They apparently feel they are too good to be simply a state school. Either that or the rest of the state wants to disassociate from them and requested that they simply take the name of the city and leave the rest of the state out of it. Either way, I don’t like schools that try to be different – conformity is king. I will go with Auburn here, only because their name has at least a first letter in common with their home state. Auburn, Alabama. Alliteration always!

Turner: Which Tiger do you dislike?  Which Bowden did you dislike?  Is this what happens when twins get separated at birth?  Two words, Charles Barkley.  I named my dog after him.  He is greatness.  Go Auburn, Rammer Jammer Yellowhammer!  (oops, got too excited there)

Shadow: In South Carolina I could cruise through cotton fields, peach orchards, and even hit the beach if I wanted to drive across the state from Clemson…..but from Auburn, I am just a couple of hours south of a bona-fide Super Speedway….Talladega.  Anyone who has seen Stroker Ace or Six Pack or Days of Thunder (or Talladega Nights for you youngsters) has probably wanted to climb into a stock car and turn some laps….and I am no different.  Fly on War Eagle!

NFL

Kansas City @ Cleveland

SD: Hasn’t Cleveland suffered enough? Their favored son gives them a middle finger on national TV. Their Poet Emeritus passes away. The Indians stink. The Browns lost to the Bucs opening week and they have to suffer through an entire season of watching Jake Delhomme throw interceptions. Now Charlie Weis is going to come to town, talk down to them and clean out all of their All-You-Can-Eat buffets? Enough. Please Browns, the suffering must stop. Win this one for Harvey!

Turner: Cleveland Rocks!  This one is all about Colt McCoy and my hate for Texas.  Go Chiefs, specifically Dwayne Bowe – please show up.

Shadow: I have driven through Kansas many, many times.  How can I describe it?  Monotonous is the best word that comes to mind.  At least Nebraska built  a useless arch over part of the highway just to pretend it isn’t the most boring state in the nation.  I have never driven through Ohio, but it doesn’t matter.  There is no way it is worse than Kansas.  Save me a seat in the Dawg Pound.

Jacksonville @ San Diego

SD: Do you realize if this game were being played in 2000 rather than 2010 the Jags would be heavy favorites? Just a short 10 years ago, the Jags were one year removed from being the best team in the AFC and the Chargers were a perennial joke in the AFC West. Also, if this game were being played in 2000, Britney Spears would still be hot, sane and a “virgin”. It has been a long decade. Especially for Britney and the Jags. If this game is played again in 2020 it could be a I-5 rivalry game between the L.A. Jaguars and the Chargers. Also Justin Bieber will be middle-aged, insane and probably still a virgin. But none of that matters today (although it should probably worry Justin a little). Today, the Jags are the worst team in their division and the Chargers are still the Broncos rival so I will cheer on the Jags. Me and their 17 remaining fans.

Turner: Pacific vs. Atlantic.  Give me the soft white sand and the cliffs of La Jolla over the red-neck, dirty beaches of J-Ville.

Shadow: San Diego marks a return to California, but this time we get the South Side of the state.  From the old school missions and more wine country to the fact that you can drive yourself down to Tijuana and pick up some cut-rate little blue pills (since Turner is turning yet another year older on Monday)…San Diego has a lot to offer.  Jacksonville has a lot to offer as well.  I should know, because I had to drive through most of it on my many work trips to our now defunct office.  In the part of town where our office was (and where I drove the most) Jacksonville has a nasty ass strip club every three blocks, most of them with signs promising “Live  ude Girls”.  Seriously.  It is like there was some rampant problem with all the Neon “N”’s in that part of the city.   You can also find alligators on the sides of the roads, and if you are really unlucky you can catch a glimpse of one of their many “pay by the hour” strip motels.  All in all, a classy place.  Some people may think it is unfair that in all other entries I focused on the entire state, but here I am only looking at Jacksonville itself and ignoring all the good that is to be found in the rest of Florida.  To those people I say, “Shut up”.  Jacksonville just put my Broncos in an 0-1 hole.  No way I will say anything good about them.  Let’s go Fighting Kaedings!

It is the first week of December. There are 2 undefeated NFL teams. There are conference championship games this weekend that will decide who will play in all of the BCS bowls – including for the national championship. There is an NBA team that has been playing basketball for over a month and hasn’t won a game. And of course, one of the five greatest college coaches of all time just retired. Yet, the only thing you can find on the internet is the fact that the greatest golfer in history has a little thing for skanks that he is not married to.

In all honesty, I am pretty much over this story. I just can’t get myself worked up into some sort of moralistic rage over athlete infidelities. I didn’t care when A-Rod was messing around with an 80’s icon. I’m pretty sure HeMan messed around with Skeletor before A-Rod did. Oh, that wasn’t Skeletor that was Madonna? Wow- good work by Guy Ritchie on selling high(ish) on that one.

I won’t rail against the incredibly skewed priorities of this country. Instead, I will simply paste a twitter message posted by Green Bay linebacker Nick Barnett yesterday:

Let’s poll …. Which demands more attention.? Tiger woods….. 8 year war going on where we just sent another 30k of our fellow Americans

In fact, there is really only one aspect of this entire story that is not being discussed nearly enough. Why would anyone in the world need to cheat on a Swedish bikini model? That is who we all dream of cheating with – not cheating on! So, let me get this straight. Tiger had to choose between a former underwear model who happens to be his wife or an amateur hooker from a 15^th rate reality TV show? And he chose the ho.

I am guessing that is one decision he did not consult Steve Williams on.

Any way, on to the picks this week. One matchup we will not be picking is between Elin and Jamiee.

Turner: 27-0.  Enough said.  What has been a long, draining college football season that started with OU and FSU not meeting expectations (as expected), Bowden is now R.I.P., and the Shadow’s Hawkeyes coming up short against the mighty purple Wildcats, it has been a good ride.  While it is not over yet, we still have a few games to look forward to for one last dream to take us to next August (i.e. my road trip to El Paso followed by THE SMU BOWL GAME in Hawaii, The Bowden Whiner Florida Bowl, and hopefully the Fiesta bowl, and ONLY 2 more Tebow games!!).  I still have not recovered from the College Gameday episode and Tom Ronaldi’s 8 minute “moment” of talking about Tebow.  The puke on my shirt will not come off.  The other thing that won’t be the same is my finger.  I managed to put a drill bit through it while trying to be a ‘man’.  I decided all of that really should be outsourced from now on.  The only bonus is that it is my middle finger so when I show it off, I can pretend I own the Tennessee Titans……

Shadow: My fantasy team in my money league has tanked.  Kiss that $100 goodbye as I am going to miss the playoffs.  This is kind of fortuitous in that I am going on a cruise Saturday, so would be unable to do any last minute lineup tinkering this week or next.  Heck…come to think of it, perhaps that would have been a better strategy all year long as most of my tinkering ends up being the wrong decision.  The Broncos got back on the winning trail, which should continue at least one more week as we face those Chefs in KC.  And hopefully the first night of my cruise will be punctuated by learning that Iowa will indeed be in a BCS bowl for only the second time since the inception of the BCS, where we will get to drill some hapless non-BCS team like Boise State.    Speaking of drilling, someone should ask Turner about his week.  Since he managed to injure his middle finger, I keep getting a mixed message every time he wants to show me his injury.

College:

Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh

SD: There is a football team in the Midwest that doesn’t seem to understand that the world has changed. It used to be one of the premier teams in the country, but now after the utter failure of a high profile hiring, they are just an average team yet seem to still get an inordinate amount of attention. What does this have to do with this game? Well, Brian Kelly is a leading candidate to become head coach at Notre Dame. Of course, Dave Wannstedt used to coach the Chicago Bears and that sentence could apply to them as well. I will go with Dave and Pitt here, since he has already done his time disappointing a delusional fanbase – Kelly’s time will come soon enough.

Turner: In this AFC North battle, I think the Bearcats are destined for victory.  Despite Kenyon sucking last night for the Nuggets for the 100^th straight game, I’m a fan of the Cincy football team, most notably they scheduled OU last year and not this year.  That would have been embarrassing.

Shadow: It is college basketball time, and in most years that would mean that Cincy Bearcat fans had stopped caring about football.  Not so this year.  Sadly for Brian Kelly, all anyone wants to discuss is the Notre Dame job, and since I hate all things related to Notre Dame not named “Rudy”, he is caught in Hate by Association.  I hope the Panthers put the end to this silly talk of Cincy in the BCS championship game.

Georgia Tech @ Clemson

SD: Why does the Georgia Institute of Technology go by the shortened name of Georgia Tech?  I think they should go by the name GIT. They could use Larry the Cable Guy as their mascot rather than a car from the 1920’s that has less to do with their nickname than that hound patrolling the sidelines at Tennessee. A motto of “GIT r’ done “would finally draw some of those southern fans from cheering on Alabama or Georgia. For a bunch of smart guys, the Yellow Jackets sure are dumb when it comes to marketing. For that I will cheer for Clemson.

Turner: I love the Yellow Jacket Mascot and the term Ramblin’ Wreck is great.   Speaking of wreck, I’m just waiting for the day when the Clemson team trips coming down their “hill” and has a mass pile-up when coming out of their locker rooms.  That will be great.  Go smart engineering school.

Shadow: Two teams coming off losses during Rivalry Week and facing each other for a slightly tarnished ACC crown.  The coach of the Tigers, when asked about games against Tech, said, “These games have been some humdingers”.  WTF?  Seriously?  This is 2009, and the man saying that is not even 40 years old.  “Humdinger”?  That shouldn’t even be allowed in the lexicon anymore, and certainly should be uttered by anyone who doesn’t possess a firsthand account of the Great Depression.  Go Yellow Jackets.

NFL:

St Louis @ Chicago

SD: I almost feel bad for Chicago. There were such high hopes for Jay Cutler before the season started. Some of us knew that Cutler is a turnover machine that believes in his ability to the detriment of his team – especially when he has a bunch of wide receivers that should be playing in the CFL or on the defensive side of the ball. It must be devastating for Bears fans. I really almost feel bad for them. I said almost. Go Rams.

Turner: What is worse, an entire crappy team or ‘pro-bowl’ whiner that seems to throw more balls the way of the other team and you mortgaged your future on.  I’ll take the former, if you know you are going to suck then it is ok, but the expectation of getting Joe Montana (the GREATEST of all time – next to Jason White), and then sucking makes your gut just hurt.  Come on Rams, Suck less then Cutler.

Shadow: It hasn’t even been a full season yet, and Urlacher longs for Kyle Orton.  Someone may need to remind Brian that the Bears defense of 2009 is not the Bears defense of years past, so having Orton at the helm is no guarantee that the season would have turned out any differently.  That being said, I can honestly guarantee that a Cutler-led Bronco team would probably have 3-4 fewer wins and a lot less team chemistry.  Nothing to like here about the Bears.  Give me the Rams.

New Orleans @ Washington

SD: Two of my favorite cities. In a city that personifies power – from the ambitious residents to the cold marble architecture of the buildings – it is fitting that the most famous buildings are actually just fancy office buildings. In the other city, it is hard to imagine anyone ever working. There are casinos, Bourbon Street, mardi gras, gumbo, trolley cars to the Garden District, jambalaya, Café Du Monde beignets. None of those sound anything like work to me. For having their priorities right, I am cheering on the Saints.

Turner: Remember Vegas?  Redskins cost me a lot of money (ok – it wasn’t a LOT of money but it was money) and ok, it wasn’t really the Redskins but the crappiness of the Broncos.  N.O. – well they beat the crap out of Bill Belichick, that is enough to make me love them at the moment.  Geaux Saints.

Shadow: Has there ever been a more clear-cut trap game?  If I was in Vegas I would back the truck up on the Redskin money line.  Of course, that is no reason for me not to hate the Redskins.  Their name alone is an affront to noble Native Americans like Kevin Costner in Dances with Wolves, and Daniel Snyder continues to try and throw money at a problem.  It doesn’t work in education and it doesn’t work in the NFL. (lucky for me, it does work in baseball).  I would love to see the Saints go undefeated and win the Super Bowl….just to stick it to Bellicheat.  My pick here is New Orleans.

Saturday, November 7, 2009. 8:37am PT

It’s Saturday morning and I am at work.

Now, as you may know I don’t work in a Denny’s or in a mall. I have what some might even call “a career” yet on a Saturday morning I am working just like the guy currently asking ‘do you want coffee or orange juice with your egg mcmuffin, sir?’ just down the road.

I am , in fact, sitting in a conference room on the 13^th floor of an anonymous high rise in downtown San Francisco while Lee Coro prepares to don his weekly head gear. Needless to say I am not thrilled about this fact.

Last night, I sat in my hotel room and debated about renting The Hangover, but couldn’t bring myself to spend $13.99 for a movie in my hotel room (is there a bigger rip-off than in-room movies at a hotel? And I’m not even talking about the movies ‘whose titles will not appear on your bill’, I am talking about legitimate movies). Instead I watched the Spurs and Blazers – two teams I hate but picked in Streak for the Cash and therefore had a rooting interest in (I picked the team not suffering from a bald spot epidemic) and lamented the first loss for my Nuggets.

Let’s be honest though, the Nuggets just spent about 48 hours on South Beach after starting 5 and 0, was there any chance they were winning that game? The only way an upset happens on that trip is if Chris Anderson comes home without another tattoo.

My only other highlight was some sort of protest occurring on the street below my hotel. The poorly-organized chants were indiscernible from my 26^th floor hotel room, so I don’t know what they were all made about. Interestingly, the last time I was witness to a in-street demonstration, was in Paris several years ago. Hmm, France – maybe California really is the socialist state my co-workers claim it is.

Anyway, to commemorate not watching football, I have decided to keep a diary of my non-football Saturday.

Note, this post will be simultaneously published on workinterruptingfootballblogger.com.

Just to pour salt on my open wound, I expect Turner and Shadow to check in regularly from their all-day preparations for the Husker/Sooner game this evening.

9:09 AM (all time PT): I was watching College GameDay this morning live from Air Force Academy. It looks like I am missing a perfect fall Colorado Saturday morning. Not that I am bitter or anything. Anyway, am I the only one that was surprised last weekend when Tom Jackson casually mentioned Lee Corso was his college coach at Louisville? How did I not know this? An FSU legend (the sunshine state scooter) coaching a Bronco legend to-be? It is such an Elton John circle of life moment for me, it almost brings a tear to the eye.

9:18AM: The early games have begun and maybe not having to watch the weekly miserable early Big Ten games isn’t the worst thing. Iowa appears to be determined not to almost get beaten by a crappy Big Team team (redundant descriptor I know) for the second week in a row as they have already taken a 10-0 lead on Northwestern. On the bright side for the Wildcats, there are at least 4 people on their sideline that can give the exact % of games this season in which a team has trailed by ten and still come back to win.

9:22 AM: In another match-up of a highly ranked team and a highly intelligent team. Miami has taken a 3-0 lead on Virginia. Somewhat similar to Norhtwestern, on Miami’s sideline, there are at least 4 players who can count to ten.

9:43 AM: We have our first check-in from the land of corn and those who husk it. Turner writes: Settled in at Woody’s. Iowa up by 10.  Shadow has started drinking bloody marys for every score.  Panera bagel for breakfast with a diet Pepsi.   Crap loads of Sooner fans and I’m in shorts with the Holieway jersey.  Fans are very cordial. That would be Jamelle Holieway for all of you fans under the age of 25, the greatest option quarterback to ever play the game. The fans are cordial because they respect a Sooner fan who actually realizes the team existed before Bob Stoops came to Norman. Huskers remember that time as ‘the good old days’.

10:11 AM: I spend a few minutes working and the world falls apart out in Iowa. Northwestern has taken a 4 point lead and to quote Turner: Stanzi just died and Northwestern scored. Shadow is throwing things and has gone to rubbing his temples already.  Is getting stressful. Apparently, in the euphoria of his $250 million underdogs pulling out a miracle in the World Series, Shadow has already forgotten that the Hawkeyes do this every week. I would be more stressed if they were up by 28.

10:18 AM: Things are going from bad to worse in Lincoln. Turner: Iowa td called back. Peffer drops first f bomb. If I am Turner I am getting worried. Once he starts drinking and let’s slip a mocking comment or two about Iowa, Shadow will leave him in some cornfield somewhere.

10:37AM: Turner writes to say they are moving to a new bar each quarter. I suggest they go back to the 1^st quarter bar (10 point Iowa lead) and burn to the ground the 2^nd quarter bar (14 unanswered for Northwestern).

10:54 AM: Iowa is in the 3^rd quarter, trailing by 4 points but their quarterback Ricky Stanzi is injured and out of the game. Stanzi is the same quarterback that threw 5 interceptions last week but still rallied for the win over Indiana. What I am trying to say is that I have no idea whether Stanzi being out is a good thing or a bad thing.  

11:22 AM: Iowa is still down and I haven’t heard from Turner for awhile. I am getting a little nervous that either Turner talked trash to the wrong Husker fan or Shadow killed him after he made some sort of joke about Iowa wide receiver Derrell Johnson-Koulianos taking a leave of absence from the WNBA to play for the Hawkeyes.

12:05 PM: The diary takes a solemn turn as the Hawkeyes come back magic comes up empty against Norhtwestern. Shadow and Turner have gone silent so I can only assume that Shadow has overruled his general belief in not drinking and is currently taking slugs directly from the mouth of a bottle of tequila.

1:14 PM: Things have slowed down as I actually have work to do (did I mention I hate work) and we are in the early part of mid-afternoon games. Turner finally emerges again with a GO NAVY – proving once again that the only true universal feeling that binds all of humanity – whether happy, sad, drunk, sober, tailgating or working – is an undying hatred of Notre Dame.

1:48 PM: One of my co-workers is a Bama grad and huge fan. She headed off an hour ago to watch the game with her husband. Bama is currently losing 7-3. Since we all need to keep working with her all weekend, we have all become big Bama fans (despite anything written in a THH). It must be nice to have a team still thinking national title, I haven’t known that life for awhile now. Most Seminole fans are just dreaming of the Humanitarian Bowl right now.

1:49 PM: With that thought, maybe being at work on a football Saturday isn’t the worst thing in the world.

2:21 PM: In response to my query as to how many jell-o shots he has done by now (I really am working – I swear), Turner responds ‘one for every Iowa point’. I guess this is a Lincoln version of pouring a little of your Forty on the ground for fallen homies. It is also just the latest reason that it would be a better day if Iowa had scored 18 points.

2:43 PM: Turner and Peffer are in full tailgate mode as I get a picture emailed of other people taking a shot off a long board that appears to be a ski (because what else are you going to do with a ski in Nebraska). Turner pretends the two beers he is holding are both his and are the reasons he can’t join in the shot taking. I apply as much virtual peer pressure as I can to get him to join in.

3:38 PM: Turner and Peffer have gone silent and my co-worker off watching Bama play won’t return my texts. Clearly things are starting to get serious for everyone.

4:13 PM: Well, the Tide held on. I am happy for my co-worker as well as all the Alabama fans out there. LSU will just have to console themselves by drinking themselves silly with their gorgeous co-eds in their lovely southern town. I may be happy for Bama, but that doesn’t mean I am not still jealous of LSU fans.

5:26 PM: FSU vs. Clemson has kicked off and not only has the FSU defense stopped Clemson at least once but they also returned an interception for a touchdown and hold a 17-6 lead. Remarkable. Maybe Mickey Andrews should announce his retirement before every game. Not only could he inspire a strong performance each week but then he could be the Brett Favre of college football, which would be fun.

5:47 PM: Nope, nevermind. turnover by Christian Ponder leads to a long, grueling two play 50 yard drive for a Clemson TD. 17-14 FSU.

6:13 PM: I have been sprung free and get back to the hotel to see a first half-ending missed field goal by FSU. Not sure I have the stomach for another one of these FSU games tonight. Along that same wavelength I get a single text from Turner in the first quarter of the OU/NU game that simply said ‘OU will lose”. Not sure whether that is a Nostradamus-like prediction, the latest manifestation of Turner’s rampant pessimism or some sort of odd threat.

6:54 PM: As the FSU gives up yet another long TD (shocking I know), Turner checks in from Lincoln to tell me that Jason White and Barry Switzer are there. I’m glad that someone took White’s shift at the postal processing plant so he could go to a Sooner game this season. And he will probably see a win, after Switzer bribes the refs.

6:59 PM: Turner also mentions that Nebraska fans are being mean to him. Careful, Huskers you are on the verge of losing the ‘nicest fans in the country’ title bestowed on you several years ago by some random Notre Dame fan I met years ago.

7:26 PM: I have always feared Clemson as a team because they are so similar athletically to FSU. Now they are committing dumb penalties in the red zone costing themselves touchdowns. Ironically, making them even more like FSU.

8:08 PM: FSU was able to turn a 3-point lead into a 16 point deficit in about 7 minutes of game time. You have to admit that is pretty impressive. Well, I don’t have to admit it. I am a little too busy banging my head against the desk. But you should admit it.

8:13 PM: I am forced to turn away from the FSU game with 2 minutes to play. I just can’t take it anymore. Also I just received a text from Turner that ‘we might not come home’. Not sure what that means but it seems fitting on an all-around miserable football Saturday. Iowa loses, FSU loses. OU not looking good. Me working and Turner dying a slow death in the cornfield.

That seems like a good place to end our day. Stay tuned to see if Turner and Shadow make it back from Lincoln to join me in Vegas next weekend.