Last year, in the inaugural ‘Doubling Down’ series, I had a shockingly successful run in picking both halftime and full time playoff games against the spread.  A smarter man than I would go out on top. Call it a fun experiment and move on with my life to things I am more qualified to write about. Whatever that may be. 

But not me. A few weeks ago I sat a blackjack table in Mandalay Bay until about 1 in the morning. I had been drinking for about 14 hours. I could barely see, let alone think. Yet, the gambling gods had shown favor on me and I was doing pretty well. Until I wasn’t. And when a smarter man would go to bed to save his money to bet on NFL the next morning, I stayed.

And lost it all.

So that is what this is. It is my drunk 1 am visit to a blackjack table. Here if I have a bad week I lose my reputation as an NFL Sharp rather than a pocket full of cash. But, thankfully my reputation is smaller than my bankroll.

So, with nothing at stake beside my good name, let’s dive in and pick each Wild Card game. Let’s start with the Saturday games.

Houston vs. Cincinnati****

Halftime: Houston (-2)

Full Game: Houston (-3)

Am I really picking T.J. Yates to win a playoff game and cover a spread? Yes. Yes I am. The easy argument would be to say I don’t trust Andy Dalton, a rookie QB, on the road against a stout Texans defense; that a healthy Andre Johnson and Arian Foster can take the pressure off TJ. But there is another more important factor in picking the Texans: revenge.

Did you see the seats that the Bengals gave TJ’s parents at Yates’ first start in Cincinnati? That was disrespect if I have ever seen it. TJ is coming out for blood this week. There is no greater motivation then defending the honor of your mother. And make no mistake – by putting Mr. and Mrs. Yates in seats marginally closer to Dayton than to the field, the Bengals essentially pulled out a glove and slapped TJ across the face. IT IS ON. And TJ is bringing Brian Cushing and his ‘supplements’ with him.

In the name of Mrs. Yates, I think the Texans come out strong and roll, give the points at half and across the full game and you too can spend these 3 hours laughing, smiling and reminiscing about the early 1990’s Broncos teams right along with Gary Kubiak and Wade Phillips as the Texans roll.

****HUGE ASTERISK: If Yates is truly hurt and Jake Delhomme plays a prominent role in this game, then ignore all of the above and make a run for the hills like an asteroid is going to hit the ocean over the weekend.

New Orleans vs. Detroit

Halftime: New Orleans (-6.5)

Full Game: New Orleans (-11)

Drew Brees pretty much single-handedly won me my fantasy league this year. It is the 2^nd year in a row I have won this league, which means 1 of 2 things:

1 – as the league is full of lawyers, law school really isn’t as difficult as non-lawyers think it is

or

2 – I am about 9 months away from taking a job away from Mathew Berry and forcing him to try and make a living by writing Crocodile Dundee 4: Is Paul Hogan Is Still Alive?

Basically regardless of the outcome here, Brees has already had a pretty successful 2011 season. At least for me.

As for this game, which is significantly less meaningful than my championship game a couple weeks ago (but whatever), I can’t turn my back on what Bress has done for me. I am loyal like that.

Over the course of 60 minutes, I expect the Lions to make too many mistakes and the unstoppable Mardi Gras float that is the Saints offense to run the Lions over like a little kid who got too greedy chasing down beads dropped in the street.

With the freakiest receiver this side of Justin Blackmon, a solid QB (when healthy) in Matthew Stafford and a solid defensive line (when not suspended) I expect the Lions can keep it close for awhile.

Until the clock strikes midnight and Stafford gets up from a tackle holding his arm and grimacing. Or a Boy Named Suh goes all Ron Artest and tries to climb into the stands and rip the umbrella from Tom Benson’s cold, dead hands (after he rips his throat out – Roadhouse style – obviously).

In short, the Lions, much like their coach, are about as disciplined and mature as the cast of Real World at 3 am. There will be an implosion and it will be ugly.

Take the Lions in the first half – hope for a 14-10, 17-14 or 21-17 Saints lead and then hide the women and children, take the Saints full game with the points, pop a cold beer and wait for the implosion.

There is much hand-wringing and Twitter-hashtag making about the lack of a clear national champion in college football. While I can’t defend a system that will label Alabama the national champion solely because of timing, I will defend, to the death, the majesty of bowl season.

Bowls that dot the TV schedule this week are inherently meaningless (which is why Tom O’Brien is so good at them) but they are a low-stress way to celebrate the past college football season.

Do I want FSU to destroy Notre Dame? Of course. Will it cause me to curl up in a corner and suck my thumb for days if they lose? No. FSU once lost a Bowl to Kentucky, who, I’m pretty sure disbanded their entire program a couple years later when they couldn’t even get Ashley Judd to show up to their rivalry game versus Tennessee.

Let’s face it, every team playing a bowl game prior to New Year’s Day falls into one of two camps: (1) a team that disappointed during the season and is settling for a lesser bowl or (2) a bad team that surprised by winning that 7^th game and are thrilled to be in a bowl. Any bowl.

Which makes it all the more fun.

With all of these random match-ups that you aren’t invested in, who do you cheer for? Well, there is one special aspect to Bowl games that you can use to guide your decisions.

It used to be that normal sponsors supported only a few of the Bowls. Fed Ex Orange Bowl. Tostitos Fiesta Bowl. But now every bowl has a sponsor and they all seem to try to out-ridiculous each other.

But those sponsors are there for a reason – to make money. Obviously, teams are invited because Bowl games think they will bring fans. But you know, deep in the corporate balance sheets that replace their cold, dead corporate hearts, they prefer one team over the other. So who do they want to win?

It always safe to cheer for the same team as the sponsors, since, you know, corporations run the world so you know they can dictate who will win. And we all want to be on the side of the winners.

Bell Helicopter Bowl: BYU v Tulsa

The corporate synergies between a Helicopter company and a team with the nickname ‘Golden Hurricanes’ are so obvious, I’m surprised this wasn’t a challenge on The Apprentice. Plus, you know the military-industrial complex sees the Church of Latter Day Saints as competition for global domination and would prefer to do nothing to help advance the Mormon cause. At least not until President Romney mandates all companies convert if they want a government contract.

New Era Pinstripe Bowl: Rutgers v Iowa State

Let’s face it, people in New York don’t understand college football. It is as foreign as boiled peanuts and chitlins. Thus they play a bowl game in a baseball stadium and get a sponsor that sells baseball caps. They also are the only ones left that think Rutgers is a football school. For New Era though, it is all about selling caps. If I think of Rutgers students wearing ball caps, they are all brand new caps with flat brims and the stickers still attached. Iowa State students I assume wear old, ratty, beat-up John Deere caps. Who do you think a hat company sees as the better target market?

AutoZone Liberty Bowl: Cincy v Vandy

Vandy sees itself as the Ivy League school of the SEC. Of course, compared to most SEC schools, Tallahassee Community College is closer to the Ivy League. Honestly, I have no idea what sort of scholastic reputation Cincinnati has but when I think of the Bearcats, I think of guys like Kenyon Martin. If an auto-repair store sees one of these fan bases as a target market, it has to be Cincy. Unless we include the chauffeurs and valets of the Vandy students, but I think that is cheating.

Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl: UCLA v Illinois

There are so many things to love about this bowl – the fact that both coaches have been fired. The fact that crunchy San Francisco hosts a bowl game aimed at fighting hunger. I’m just disappointed this is being held the same day as the Northrop Grumman Military Bowl as the perfect demonstration of the countries’ political divide.

But this is all about the sponsors. Who does Kraft see as advancing the cause of fighting hunger better? Given that the Illinois is the home state of Archer Daniels Midland, one of the largest food companies in the world, a good showing by the Illini would help solidify a donation by ADM. Sure, ADM would probably donate experimental, genetically modified foods, but when you are starving do you really care about an extra arm growing out of your head?

As the saying goes, beggars can’t be choosers.

Happy Bowl season everyone!

As I sit to write this, my mind isn’t on football, it’s on basketball. College basketball has been on my TV for the last 24 hours like that Friends episode where Joey and Chandler get free porn: afraid it will be gone if I turn off the TV, I keep it on 24 hours a day.

The NBA on the other hand, much like the Philadelphia Eagles, have proven that the more great athletes you have, the more disposable you become. Filled with the greatest collection of talent in a generation and building on 3 or 4 great years that saw the resurgence of the Lakers, Celtics and the creation of the Heatles, the NBA has decided to take the year off.

I guess they decided if it worked for Dave Chapelle, it will definitely work for them.

Of course he lost his TV show.

While basketball is being defined as both a beginning (college) and ending (NBA), football, outside of the depraved showers of the Penn State locker room, is defined at the moment is ‘in between’.

College football is in between the marquee mid-season match-ups such as LSU/Alabama and Oregon/Stanford that have shaped the BCS title race and the late season match-ups that will finalize the Bowl schedule – Bedlam in Oklahoma and the SEC title game.

The NFL is in the late season, where the true contenders start to separate themselves from the early season pretenders (paging Detroit Lions, Detroit Lions, Reality is holding for you) but not yet to the point where playoff spots are being locked. At least outside of the NFC West where the Niners are on the verge of clinching the NFL’s equivalent of the PAC 12 South.

For the next couple of weeks, the entire NFL world sits in limbo. No conclusions reached just more questions and clues. Which is fine for most people because anticipation is at least half of the fun of sports. But for people writing about sports, it means generating stories out of thin air. Whether it is digging around and looking for anything that is even tangentially interesting relative to the Penn State scandal (see: Sports by Brooks) or just making up dumb arguments to keep a dialog alive (see: Bleacher Report and ESPN).

After spending weeks analyzing the Tim Tebow phenomenon from every angle short of asking what uncircumcised kids in the Philippines think of him, I have run out of things to say. Until something actually happens, there is only so much to talk about.

And so we all wait together.

But as a bright spot today I am in between something else: in between a busy fall of work and a long weekend in Vegas with the THH crew beginning Thursday. With Vegas on my mind, the THH theme this week is simple. Given the opening spread, which team would (will) you bet on?

College

Nebraska at Michigan (-2.5)

If it were October 2010, this would be a fascinating match-up of 2 of the most exciting playmakers in football: Michigan QB Denard Robinson and Nebraska QB Taylor Martinez. Unfortunately a year later and the weaknesses of each have been exposed. Robinson can throw the ball only marginally better than Mr. Robinson, Eddie Murphy’s old SNL character. Martinez is as consistent under center as acting legend A Martinez’s work schedule. If I were a betting man (wait, I AM a betting man), I take Nebraska here. Nebraska has about the only defense in the Big Ten athletic enough to contain Denard. And God help Michigan if they have to rely on a passing game. As Michigan receiver Junior Hemingway might say about the UM passing game.

The ball leaves his hand; launched into the clear, blue sky.

It hits the cold, unforgiving turf.

The faces of his receivers show frustration and anger.

It is real. It is ugly.

Colorado @ UCLA (-11)

It would be easy to paint this game as an opportunity for the Buffaloes to exact revenge on the coach that deserted them and sent them from perennial national contender to Big-12 Pac-12 doormat. But then you realize that when Rick Neuheisel left Boulder most of these players were so young that they were still eating their own boogers. The Buffaloes do not care about Neuheisel’s past but, more importantly, they do not play football well. UCLA, as crazy as it is to imagine, still has a chance to be the sacrificial virgin that gets slaughtered by Oregon in the Pac 12 title game. The Buffaloes won their first ever Pac-12 game last week and I fear that a level of satisfaction now permeates the team – at least they got that off their shoulders. I think the Bruins roll the Buffs and both CU fans that still care more about football than ski season, curse Neuheisel once again.

NFL

Chargers @ Chicago (-4)

Is there anyone outside of the sports books and Chargers owner’s box that still think Norv Turner can coach this team? How is this only a 4-point game? Are the sportsbooks banking on Philip Rivers seeing Jay Cutler across the field and playing like he did when he would blow out Cutler’s Broncos? I don’t see it, mostly because Philip Rivers seems to have become the quarterback equivalent of Sean Alexander ‘one year too late’ and comparing the Bears defense to those old Bronco defenses is like comparing Homeland to NCIS –two things trying to achieve the same goal but one being vastly superior at it.

The Bears should roll to an easy win and after the Broncos beat the Jets to tie for the division lead, maybe the Chargers leadership will finally realize that Norv and this Charger team peaked about 3 years ago and it is time to blow it up and start over.

Bengals @ Ravens (-9)

It is an odd numbered week in the NFL, so that must mean that the Ravens will play well. That makes as much as sense as anything else the Ravens have done this year, so I will go with it. The Bengals have been a nice story and Andy Dalton certainly looks like a young Brad Johnson but I think their time near the top of the division has reached its end. It was fun while it lasted and we will always be able to look back at the first 2 months fondly, like a warm summer in high school. Though with his fair skin, I imagine no summer under a scorching Texas sun is remembered fondly by Dalton.

Will Joe Flacco lead the Ravens past the Bengals by double-digits? That’s as sure a bet as saying Reverend Ray Lewis never broke one of the Ten Commandments.

Oh. Hmmm. Yeah, this seems like a game to tease down to -2. Tease with the Bears? Free money.

Draft week is finally here; real, concrete news out of the NFL that is more about players than lawyers.

I know a bunch of lawyers. The last thing I want is lawyers to be the key players in my sports soap operas.

Strangely it is also the week in which NFL teams become most like politicians – you know – former lawyers that decided to ‘give back’ (i.e. – the power of running a firm full of other lawyers wasn’t enough for their massive egos). No matter what head-scratching moves a team makes in or leading up to the draft, the team will act like they just chose the right goblet from the Grail Knight.

On draft day, Cam Cameron acted like he sincerely believed one-legged Tim Ginn was the missing piece from a Dolphin Super Bowl run.

On draft day, the Forty-Niners convinced themselves Alex Smith was the heir apparent to Steve Young, rather than Jim Druckenmiller.

Draft day, where optimism really does spring eternal.

Of course, that isn’t the case. If history has taught us anything, it is that most of these high draft picks can at best aspire to an NFL career long enough to qualify them for a pension (assuming the NFLPA gets a pension in the coming labor agreement).

But that won’t stop each team from making the heartfelt case that the newest member of the organization will be the one hoisting the Lombardi trophy.

But which players will fail to meet those lofty expectations? I’m so excited for the draft I flew to Charlotte tonight to get the low-down on the first overall pick right from the source. Maybe its a sign, maybe it isn’t, but on the way in from the airport I saw a construction site at least 2 blocks long with a sign reading ‘Future Home of Cecil Newton’s Church That He Really Did Pay For All by Himself’.

Let’s go team by team through the first round and identify the players they should draft. I won’t pretend that I know what these teams will actually do, and have little evidence of teams following my advice (other than my epic guidance for the Jets to draft Mark Sanchez two years ago) but that doesn’t stop me from telling them what they should do.

And by ‘should do’ I mean ‘the draft pick that I think would be most fun for them to take’ not ‘will definitely make them better’.

#1 – Panthers – General consensus is that Cam Newton will be drafted by the Panthers. And who am I to argue. Jimmy Clausen has gotten his last two coaches fired, would you want him to be your franchise QB? Me neither. Some teams are scared off by Newton’s off-field transgressions (felonies, 3 schools in 3 years, transparent auctioning of his skills to the highest bidder), but I think Carolina is uniquely suited to ignore this. Their home state school is led by Butch Davis who has run a clean program once in his coaching career, when he coached the Browns, and we know how that turned out (24-34 record). If willing to hire a perennial cheat like Davis, I would imagine most North Carolinians would almost look with pride at Newton using the transfer payments he received to attend Auburn to help repair his father’s church.

#2 – Broncos – Marcel Dareus fits a glaring need for the Broncos along their defensive line. A glaring need that has been present for so long, it is almost becoming it’s own tradition unlike any other. Beside adding some size and skill to the  Broncos front line, I also like imagining John Fox (who isn’t the youngest coach in the league) and John Elway (who took his fair share of hits to the helmet) trying to keep Marcel Dareus and Darcel McBath straight.

#3 – Bills – You would think that as bad as the Bills have been for years, they would look for a flashy player – a quarterback or receiver to drum up interest among their bi-country fan base. However, they are smart and recognize a team should build from within. Offensive Line and defensive front seven. The Bills are so smart they have have a Harvard man under center! That is why they will grab potential superstar linebacker Von Miller from Texas A&M. Miller could be the best linebacker they have had since Cornelius Bennett played. A player taken when the Bills were led by another Harvard man, Marv Levy. See, with all these Ivy leaguers, the Bills are smart. They aren’t any good at football, but they sure are smart.  

#4 – Bengals – With both Chad Ochocinco Johnson Washedupo and Terrell Owens most likely on their way out of Cincy as soon as the Bengals are allowed to release them, it is important to get Jordan Palmer some help. You can’t go wrong with Julio Jones who looks like he has all the skills to be a star. This is such an obvious pick, that I hear VH1 has already contacted Julio about his own TV series.  I like to think the show is about Julio helping kids that get picked on at the playground to learn to stand up to bullies. Then they can call it ‘Me and Julio Down By the Schoolyard’.  

#5 – Cardinals – The Cardinals went from perennial Super Bowl contenders to the bottom of the worst division in the NFL when Kurt Warner decided he would rather dance on primetime than play for them. After a season of using quarterbacks that wouldn’t be hired to be Adam Sandler’s stunt double in The Longest Yard, the Cardinals need to grab Blaine Gabbert. He is a lock. What could go wrong with the Cardinals drafting a tall, immoble, white quarterback whose last name ends in ‘rt’?

#6 – Browns – AJ Green, the ridiculously talented wide out from Georgia fills a big hole for the Browns. Let’s just hope the Browns have better luck with him than the last WR they drafted known for his one-handed catches in college. Once Braylon Edwards got to Cleveland the only thing he could catch was pity and scorn from LeBron’s hangers-ons.

#7 – Forty-Niners – Unwilling to accept that the Alex Smith era is need of euthanization, the Forty-Niners continue to try and improve their defense to off-set Smith. To put some more skill in front of all-world linebacker Patrick Willis, the Niners should grab Robert Quinn. Sure, he didn’t play last season after taking illegal benefits from agents, but let’s face it, the Forty-Niners haven’t played for most of this decade. Call it a wash.

#8 – Titans – Still looking to replace Albert Haynesworth’s pass rush that jumped at Dan Snyder’s millions years ago, the Titans should reach for Cameron Jordan. Not only will he give them a edge pass rusher, but could open up a whole new population of potential season ticket holders, when frat boys from all over the south buy game tickets after hearing the Titans have acquired Jordan, assuming he is a former sorority girl that has joined the Titans cheerleading squad.  

#9 – Cowboys – There are three things Jerry Jones loves in this world. Meddling with his football team, bringing in players with questionable character and his alma mater Arkansas Razorbacks. I give you the perfect storm of Jones’ incompetence: Ryan Mallett.

#10 – Redskins – The Redskins need help everywhere except quarterback where Rex Grossmann looks to be a perennial Pro Bowler. I see them going for defense – specifically Prince Amukamara. As every Bronco fan remembers, Mike Shanahan has a fetish for drafting cornerbacks. Also, I think of this as tossing a bone to the idiot Birther movement. Just think of the jokes they can make with a guy whose name sounds like African royalty in the same city as President Obama. Those jokes would probably be hilarious. At least to other people dumb enough to be birthers.

#11 – Texans – In the mistaken belief that their offense isn’t a problem, the Texans should look to add more playmakers on defense so this can be the year they finally live up to their annual sleeper contender status. Justin Houston, a linebacker out of Georgia is the perfect fit. 6’3”, 270 pounds with a 4.6 40-yard dash. Plus his last name is Houston! And coming from Georgia he is accustomed to his team failing to meet overblown pre-season expectations.

#12 – Vikings – It looks like it might finally be the end of the Favre era. Let’s all commemorate the falling of an American hero, by pouring our Vicodin out on the curb. Needing a replacement for Favre, the Vikings should turn to Andy Dalton. Sure, there are some concerns his red hair may prevent him from succeeding in the pros, but with the Vikings playing in a dome and Minnesota’s long winters at least we won’t have to worry about Dalton failing because of the sun’s debilitating effects on his fair skin.

#13 – Lions – After just 3 or 4 games, the injury bug impacted Jahvid Best’s rookie campaign for the Lions last year and resurrected concerns about him from college that he can’t stay healthy. If Matt Millen were still in charge he would just go draft Ryan Williams this year despite taking a running back last year. Millen already had experience blowing a draft pick on an overrated Va Tech running back when he took Kevin Jones in 2004. Sigh, I miss Matt Millen.

#14 – Rams – New Rams owner Stan Kroenke wants to make a big splash with his first draft. He wants to make the big-name pick that will draw attention back from the Cardinals and Albert Pujols’ on-going contract drama. Most importantly he wants to help 2^nd year quarterback Sam Bradford. What name makes the most sense to draw excitement to the Rams? If I have said it once, I have said it never, nothing gets fans excited like an offensive lineman from Wisconsin. Gabe Carimi is just the man to get the City by the Arch talking.

#15 – Dolphins – The Dolphins just can’t trust injury-prone Ronnie Brown or mellow-dude Ricky Williams to handle the running game. It is time to start finding young legs to take some of the load. Bruising, consistent Mark Ingram would be the perfect answer but I can’t be the only one thinking that giving Mark Ingram Senior an excuse to visit Miami is a bad idea if we want to win the War On Drugs.

#16 – Jaguars – After years of drafting bustastic wide receivers in the first round, the Jaguars are finally starting to build their defense so that they can still win games, while their perennially mediocre offense sputters along and their fan base continues to shrink. To help both problems, the Jags can draft Jimmy Smith out of CU. Not only will he solidify the Jags’ secondary, but Jags fans can just recycle their old wide receiver Jimmy Smith jerseys and reminisce about the good old days when they were relevant.

We will back to finish out the rest of the first round later this week.

Hi, my name is Dave and I hate the BCS

<Hi Dave>

I am firm believer that the BCS is a waste of time and the NCAA needs to do one of two things: (1) revert to the classic bowl system to keep tradition alive and acknowledge that chaos will reign on occasion or (2) figure out a playoff system. The BCS system or anything else in between is as uncomfortable and joyless as a Viking win is for Vikings fans this season. Sure, it means a win for their team but it also means if they do too well they could be stuck with Brad Childress for another year.

With that in mind, as well as my general dislike for the NCAA as a governing body, I have decided this year I am all-in for complete chaos. Not only do I want Auburn to make the BCS title game with possible forfeiture of all their games hanging over their heads but I want Cam Newton to win the Heisman also. In a perfect world, he wins the Heisman and Auburn wins a spot in the BCS title game and then all allegations are found to be true on about December 26th. What happens then?

Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling!

Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes…

The dead rising from the grave!

Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!

Ok, maybe not all of that. But have you noticed a serious uptick in zombies lately?

Coincidence?

The institutional bureaucracy that the NCAA has created seems designed specifically to drag out any investigations of wrong-doing for as long as possible, so as to not distract from the play on the field. When it has come to the allegations against Cam Newton the NCAA has reacted slower than the Bush White House did in sniffing out the leaker in the Valerie Plame case. But in a 24×7 internet-fueled news-cycle, this can’t last. Especially not if the Feds start looking around as well. The NCAA can try to delay and delay but it will only harm them more in the end. Especially if it comes out that the NCAA had the information all along but slow-played it to get through the season first.

After years of hypocritical money-grubbing the NCAA has backed itself into a corner.

With coaches making millions and vague promises of millions to come later to their recruits, it was only a matter of time until those same recruits decide to jump the gun on receiving some of those benefits.

After the NCAA spent years designing a football championship system to specifically reward its largest members with even more money, it was only natural that other worthy contenders stand up and yell ‘what about us?’

This year we have a perfect storm – two outsiders with legitimate arguments that they deserve an invite to a party and a big-dog that may have been caught with it’s paw in the Milk-Bone container.

NOTE: After last weekend, I have also decided Boise State would beat Auburn handily in a bowl game. Boise has proven repeatedly that they can find a way to slow down a faster, more talented offense (Va Tech this season, Oregon and TCU last season, OU back in 2007) but after watching the freshman Aaron Murray of Georgia pick apart the Auburn defense for 4 quarters I am sure Kellen Moore could throw for 400 yards and 5 TDs against them.

The NCAA’s relentless pursuit of more money for its privileged institutions was inevitably going to lead to its demise. They staved off killing college basketball when cooler heads prevailed over expanding March Madness to 96 teams.

What happens if or when they have a team playing for a championship that has already been deemed illegitimate?

Mass hysteria? Or worse.

If we do end up with human sacrifice, I have an idea on the first slate of candidates.

On to THH this week. More themes because, well, we have pretty much exhausted most interesting match-ups over the last three years and Turner and Shadow keep telling me how much they enjoy the themes.

Right before they don’t participate.

Actually, somebody made it this week, so my scorn is limited to one of my cohorts.

Shadow: My consistency in getting my blog post written is similar to the Broncos this year.  Sometimes it’s a double-digit drubbing of KC, and sometimes I am getting my ass handed to me by the hated Raiders.  I am also fighting a semi-bad case of the “I just don’t care anymore”, partly due to Iowa losing games it has no business losing, the Broncos sucking, and all of my fantasy teams tanking.  It has been a challenging football year….but at least it is Ohio State weekend.  Beating them will still give me reason to be happy over this somewhat “lost” season.

College: (The Your Enemy is My Enemy Division)

Virginia Tech @ Miami – Pick the game based on who Super Dave hates more

SD: This may surprise you but I am going with the Hokies here. Sure I could lament the fact that my Noles trounced the Canes on the field and have the same record yet sit several spots behind them in the polls but it is precisely because of that trouncing I can’t hate the Canes too much. Despite the hopes and dreams of Kirk Herbstreit and much of the national press, the Miami of old ain’t coming back any time soon. Randy Shannon may be a great recruiter but, for all appearances, his coaching skills are on par with Dan Hawkins. How can you hate something so sad and pitiful? Va Tech, however every year gets all the hype with none of the performance. If any team gets more unwarranted free passes from the experts for throwing up at least one stink-bomb per year I don’t know who it is. The ridiculous Beamer Ball cliché gets trotted out in every VT game more often than Jay Cutler throws interceptions. So, yes, today I hate VT more than the Canes.

Shadow: Wow.  This is kind of tense, like a test or something.  Even though Mike Vick’s brother was a chest stomping fool in his Va Tech days, I have to believe that SD harbors more hate for that Halfway House posing as a college in southern Florida.  It’s bad enough when they were having success….it’s even worse how their alums are some of the most pathetic bandwagoners around.  The U having a good year?  Sidelines full of former Canes.  A down year (or series of years)…and suddenly everyone has better things to do.  Go Hokies.

Nebraska @ Texas A&M – Pick the game based on who Turner hates more

SD: Tough call, as I know a bad taste sits in Turner’s mouth from his trip to Lincoln last fall (and not just from the jell-o shots he did) but I am going with the Aggies. With OU’s recent embarrassing loss to A&M fresh in his mind as well as some lingering sub-conscious resentment that he didn’t go to a school that encouraged you to make out with a co-ed after each touchdown (really his best chance at making out with a girl), I think it is ‘down with Lassie’ all the way for him today.

Shadow: Texas A&M has given Turner his most recent pain, but having to sit through the loss in Lincoln last year, and all of the grudge matches through his formative years, has to keep the Huskers on top of this 2 team hierarchy.  Aggies all the way.

NFL (SAT-like Quarterback Theoreticals Division)

Your team is trailing 27-21 with 2 minutes left in the Super Bowl. Your team has the ball on its own 17 yard line but your quarterback’s ACL just blinded a 7-year old in the 4^th row on the last play. Which of the starting quarterbacks in each game do you pick the lead your team and why.

(For the record this is an interesting game for A LOT of matchups this week)

Buffalo @ Cincinnati

SD: I picked this match-up because this includes a couple equally underwhelming quarterbacks: Ryan Fitzpatrick of Buffalo and Carson Palmer of Cincinnati. One of these two was a Heisman trophy winner at USC. The other went to noted football factory Harvard. I am going with the old Harvard Yard,  Fitzpatrick. Palmer has had plenty of opportunities over the years to lead his team to a big victory and he has consistently failed. At least Fitzpatrick doesn’t carry around that sort of baggage. He can go into this 2-minute drill with the same inexperienced cockiness of the Winklevoss twins. And even if he does fail to win the game, he can probably make it up to me by making me a small fortune on Wall Street.

Shadow: The easy and flashy answer here is that one-time can’t miss Trojan.  But here is my biggest problem with him.  I honestly want the QB to be the leader of my team.  Let’s be honest.  Carson has never been the leader in that locker room or that organization.  I don’t really care what his athletic skills may or may not be….he cannot lead.  Ryan Fitzpatrick may not be in any spotlights right now…but that may be good for him, as his shortcomings aren’t front and center either.  Plus he is young.  I will take youthful and energetic over a non-leader like Palmer any day.

Indy @ New England

SD: In the polar opposite of our first match-up we have two of the very best quarterbacks to choose from. However this one is pretty easy to pick. Brady has been in this situation twice and owns two rings to show for it. Manning was in this situation last season and Tracy Porter now has a ring to show for it. And, for those with memory loss, Porter doesn’t play for Manning’s team.

Shadow: Come on.  Peyton’s commercials are legendary compared to Mr. Bieber-head.  I liked Peyton’s SNL better than Brady’s too.  This question all really comes down to the supporting cast.  If I have play-making WR’s and a great TE, I am picking Peyton.  If I have just marginal positional players, I want Brady in there.  To me, Brady can raise the level of players around him, while I think Peyton thrives on having a supporting cast that is a notch above, and gets frustrated when he doesn’t have that.  Peyton may be one of the best at adjustments and audibles before the snap, but Brady is the much better improviser once the ball is in play…and in a two minute drill that is what really matters.  Give me Tom.

Turner and I went to the Lakers/Nuggets game last night, so I am running a little late on the THH this week. Thank goodness I came up with a theme for this week’s games because I am also running a little low on hate after burning so much last night.

Every offseason I forget how much I loathe Lakers fans. They are omni-present, obnoxious and typically idiotic. They are Red Sox, Steeler and Miami Hurricane fans all rolled into one overbearing package. In their bright, shiny brand new Kobe jerseys it is always hard to take any of them seriously as anything but bandwagon jumping losers.

I always get the feeling 98% of them couldn’t pick out Kurt Rambis out of a police line-up. Their endless, ridiculous MVP chants for Kobe every time he touches the ball makes them look uncreative and clueless (especially in a November loss when Kobe throws up a stellar 11 for 32 shooting). I get you love your Lakers (and have since 2007!) but enough already.

Last night’s game was the first time I have had to deal with Lakers fans in the arena, so I couldn’t be more happy that the Nuggets gave the Lakers their first loss and quieted the idiots. But before scurrying out of the stadium with their heads down it also forced the Lakers fans to pull out the last desperate cheer of a losing fan: championship counting.

Yes, your team has historically won a lot of titles but that has nothing to do with the present. So, while your team goes down in flames at the one basketball game you attend each year, don’t try and make the argument about all the rings your team won (95% of which were won before you had even heard of Jerry Buss). Only truly sad fans resort to this trick because what it means is that you are losing in the present, so your only retort is to fade into the past. Yesterday is over. If the Lakers go down in flames this spring, you think any one that actually plays on the team will find solace in championships won in the past?

Lakers fans may idolize Kobe but in their arrogance they are all so clueless they have missed his single greatest attribute.

Yesterday doesn’t matter. It only matters who wins today.

And today, the Nuggets are the winners. So shut up.

Ooh, good I found some more hate.

 College: QB Alumni Pro Career Division

 Southern Miss @ UCF – a Vikings QB went to each of these schools. In their best season with Vikings, which had a better team?

SD: Daunte Culpepper’s best team with the Vikings was the 2000 team that lost to the NY Giants in the NFC title game. Favre’s best team was obviously last year when the Vikings lost to the Saints in the NFC title game. The differences? The 2009 Vikings took the Saints to overtime while the 2000 squad lost 41-0. Also, the Saints went on to win the Super Bowl over a Colts team led by Peyton Manning while the Giants lost to the Ravens led by Trent Dilfer. That is all pretty one-sided. Interestingly, they each suffered a sex scandal while in Minnesota. However Daunte had an entire boat full of women chasing him while Favre sent pictures of his junk to a girl and got nowhere, so Daunte wins the ‘playa’ challenge. But that isn’t the question here, so I will (reluctantly) go with Favre and Southern Miss.  

Michigan @ Purdue – a family connection links these 2 schools. Which family member was a member of the better pro team in his team’s best year?

SD: Of course this question is about the Griese family. Bob’s best pro team was the 1972 undefeated Dolphins team we have to hear about. Every. Single. Year. Son Brian left Michigan after a national title and came to Denver where he joined just in time to ride the Broncos bus to a 14-2 record and the 1999 Super Bowl. Interestingly, neither Griese was the primary starter on these teams (Brian sat behind Elway while Bob started 5 games, broke his ankle and then didn’t return until deep in the playoffs), and both took advantage of all-time great running backs. The easy answer is that the Dolphins went undefeated so they are better. But that is old sportswriter thinking. I am a blatant homer and that Bronco team was better. The greatest QB of all time in Elway (arguably), the best tight end of all time  in Shannon Sharpe (barely arguable), the greatest in-his-prime running back of all time in Terrell Davis (I refuse to argue), and the least likable player of all time in Bill Romanowski (no argument). Who did the Dolphins have? Larry Czonka’s greatest NFL porn stache and Mercury Morris, the most obnoxious player of all time (attention seeking retired player division)? Please.

 NFL: Super Bowl Loser Division:

 Seattle @ Arizona: Each team lost to the Steelers in the Super Bowl. Which of those 2 losing teams would win if they played?

SD: I know it has been a few years, but can anyone outside of King county explain how the Seahawks went to the Super Bowl in 2006? Seriously. OK, they had Shaun Alexander in his short-lived prime but then….who else? That team won the NFC and if they hadn’t been playing the refs as well as the Steelers could have won the Super Bowl? How is that possible? I guess that is one of those things that seemed logical at the time but the further away it gets, the crazier it gets – like the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers or George Bush getting re-elected. On the other hand, the Cardinals had a solid defense, Kurt Warner and Larry Fitzgerald. Unlike the Seahawks, looking back makes us appreciate that Cardinal team even more. Who knew that when Kurt went off to Dance with the Desperate it would reveal just how great he really was? I guess this means I have to cheer for the Cardinals but then that also means cheering for Derek Anderson or Max Hall. Ugh, that is so bad it makes me hope there is a Laker game on at the same time.

Cincinnati @ Indy: Each of these teams lost a Super Bowl to an all-time great QB. Which QB was more important to the NFL?

SD: I know you are probably thinking that labeling Drew Brees an ‘all-time great’ is a little bit of a stretch. I actually agree with you. I am referring to the Baltimore Colts loss in Super Bowl III to Joe Namath. Compare that with the Bengals 2 Super Bowl losses to Joe Montana. The argument for Namath is that his win was the first for the AFC and opened up the true competitive balance between the 2 divisions that lasted all the way through the 1970’s before disappearing for good. Montana and Bill Walsh reinvented offense, using a short passing game to open the game and change the NFL history books more than steroids changed the baseball history books. Both equally fine legacies but I will go with Montana for one reason: off the field behavior. Purposely ignoring his awful Skechers commercials, Montana brought us one of the greatest SNL skits of all time and showed us that seemingly humorless jocks could actually be funny, while Namath got drunk and tried to make out with Suzy Kolber on national TV showing us that drunk jocks don’t change much from high school to the grave.  Big win for Montana and by proxy the Bengals.