Thursday, December 8, 2011 will go down as one of the strangest days in the history of sports. From the moment we woke up (at least those of us here out west) to the moment we went to bed, bombshells were dropping like we were in 1941 London.

We start with a superstar baseball player who may or may not be 31 years old signing a 10-year contract with a new team in L.A.. My favorite part of this is the catch-22 it puts Angels fans in. The only way a 10-year contract (ending when Pujols is at least 41 – that’s right at least) is worth this much is if Albert starts borrowing some of Barry Bonds training secrets. But then if Pujols borrows Bonds training secrets, the Angels become a laughingstock and it is totally not worth it.

Then a bunch of pitchers traded teams but none of them are life changing, so as a non-baseball fan I will cover them all thusly: fast forward to May, I switch on a <insert name of baseball team> game and say to myself: “Oh yeah, I forgot <insert name of pitcher traded yesterday> went to <insert name of baseball team>. Wow, he already gave up 5 runs and it is only the 3^rd inning? Good signing.”

By lunch time, the NBA had kicked into high gear as the Mavs pulled a Marlins “post-championship fire sale” for secondary players – Caron Butler to the Clippers and (possibly) Tyson Chandler to the Knicks.

But these moves were immediately eclipsed by Chris Paul’s knee brace….I mean Chris Paul trade rumors.

As the sun began to kiss the mountains here in Denver, it became confirmed that the Hornets were trading Paul to the Lakers in a 3 team trade that would send Pau Gasol to Houston and Lamar Kardashian to New Orleans – along with several former Rockets and Bruce Jenner’s left-over face skin.

At that point, the day has been fun, interesting and somewhat logical (even if the Angels overpaid by 4 years and $50 million). But like some sort of horror movie, as night descended, so did the insanity.

I would have thought it was a bad joke or the fever induced delirium of a bitter Gator fan when the first rumors of Charlie Weis becoming head coach at Kansas materialized. But then it actually happened.

A team desperate to be even relevant in the college football landscape went out and hired a proven loser. An arrogant, lazy coach living on an undeserved reputation who has done nothing but fail since he left the cold embrace of Lord Belichick. Rather than gain respect and attention by actually trying to build a real program through hard work, KU leadership decided to go for the sex tape approach to grabbing attention. Yes, releasing a sex tape is a good way to get attention, but then you are famous for all the wrong reasons. Let’s stop this analogy right here, because the words ‘Charlie Weis’ and ‘sex tape’ in the same paragraph are starting to make my eyes bleed.

KU will undoubtedly be mentioned more frequently on College GameDay next season with Charlie scooting around the sidelines – but most of that attention will be of the ‘what is wrong with KU under Weis?’ variety.

A long time Weis loather, I am thrilled with the jokes that this affords me but, as a FSU fan, saddened by the years of dominating UF that we have lost.

As we were still laughing at KU, David Stern took it as a personal affront and said “Oh, you think that was short-sighted and misguided? Well, take a look at this!” before disallowing the Paul trade.

Apparently some whiny owners complained about competitive balance. Which is an interesting argument, so I hope one of those idiots answer one question for me:

How does Paul signing with a big market team next summer as a free agent, netting the Hornets absolutely nothing in return, help them compete better than the 4 players and draft pick they would have gotten in this deal?

Apparently Dan Gilbert, owner and Chief Idiot on Charge of the Cavaliers would prefer every other team sit through their own Decision each summer as their superstars head to (literally) sunnier destinations.

What a long, strange day it has been.

In honor of the Trading Places Thursday we just witnessed, this week, we pick two games that involved some sort of swap. So which team won that ‘trade’?

Indianapolis @ Baltimore

SD: In the middle of a cold winter night nearly 20 years ago, the Colts snuck out the door and left Baltimore like Cal Ripken’s wife leaving Kevin Costner’s house. Allegedly. It took another decade but when Cleveland wouldn’t give Art Modell a new stadium for his crappy Browns, Baltimore finally had a team to root for again. Since both moves were completed each team has won a Super Bowl. Each team has produced one of the best players of the last fifteen years (Peyton Manning, Ray Lewis). Each team has a key contributor accused of murder (Marvin Harrison, Ray Lewis – again). In the end, the city of Baltimore got all of the same things that Indianapolis took from them, outside of an original scroll of On The Road, without having to move to Indianapolis. That sounds like a win to me.

Chicago @ Denver

A little less than 3 years ago, the Broncos sent a whiny Jay Cutler to the Bears in exchange for Kyle Orton’s neck beard and some draft picks. A year ago, this question would have looked like a no-brainer as the Broncos were headed to the #2 overall pick and the Bears to the NFC title game. But now, Cutler’s inability to stay healthy (or fight through injuries), his tabloid relationship with professional attention whore Kristen Cavalleri and the Bears perennial mediocrity must leave Bears fans scratching their moustaches and drowning their sorrows in Old Style. The Broncos are riding the high of the Tebow phenomenon, winning inexplicable games every week and becoming America’s (if not God’s) Team. Bronco country tried a time period in which we had a good, but not great team and a good but not great quarterback that we rode to early round playoff exits every year (see: 2000-2005). It wasn’t fun. Give me the lunacy and ridiculousness of the Tebow era any day, even if it doesn’t last any longer than his famous speech.

 When it comes to NFL disappointment, I live by the motto: It is better to burn out than fade away.

As I sit to write this, my mind isn’t on football, it’s on basketball. College basketball has been on my TV for the last 24 hours like that Friends episode where Joey and Chandler get free porn: afraid it will be gone if I turn off the TV, I keep it on 24 hours a day.

The NBA on the other hand, much like the Philadelphia Eagles, have proven that the more great athletes you have, the more disposable you become. Filled with the greatest collection of talent in a generation and building on 3 or 4 great years that saw the resurgence of the Lakers, Celtics and the creation of the Heatles, the NBA has decided to take the year off.

I guess they decided if it worked for Dave Chapelle, it will definitely work for them.

Of course he lost his TV show.

While basketball is being defined as both a beginning (college) and ending (NBA), football, outside of the depraved showers of the Penn State locker room, is defined at the moment is ‘in between’.

College football is in between the marquee mid-season match-ups such as LSU/Alabama and Oregon/Stanford that have shaped the BCS title race and the late season match-ups that will finalize the Bowl schedule – Bedlam in Oklahoma and the SEC title game.

The NFL is in the late season, where the true contenders start to separate themselves from the early season pretenders (paging Detroit Lions, Detroit Lions, Reality is holding for you) but not yet to the point where playoff spots are being locked. At least outside of the NFC West where the Niners are on the verge of clinching the NFL’s equivalent of the PAC 12 South.

For the next couple of weeks, the entire NFL world sits in limbo. No conclusions reached just more questions and clues. Which is fine for most people because anticipation is at least half of the fun of sports. But for people writing about sports, it means generating stories out of thin air. Whether it is digging around and looking for anything that is even tangentially interesting relative to the Penn State scandal (see: Sports by Brooks) or just making up dumb arguments to keep a dialog alive (see: Bleacher Report and ESPN).

After spending weeks analyzing the Tim Tebow phenomenon from every angle short of asking what uncircumcised kids in the Philippines think of him, I have run out of things to say. Until something actually happens, there is only so much to talk about.

And so we all wait together.

But as a bright spot today I am in between something else: in between a busy fall of work and a long weekend in Vegas with the THH crew beginning Thursday. With Vegas on my mind, the THH theme this week is simple. Given the opening spread, which team would (will) you bet on?

College

Nebraska at Michigan (-2.5)

If it were October 2010, this would be a fascinating match-up of 2 of the most exciting playmakers in football: Michigan QB Denard Robinson and Nebraska QB Taylor Martinez. Unfortunately a year later and the weaknesses of each have been exposed. Robinson can throw the ball only marginally better than Mr. Robinson, Eddie Murphy’s old SNL character. Martinez is as consistent under center as acting legend A Martinez’s work schedule. If I were a betting man (wait, I AM a betting man), I take Nebraska here. Nebraska has about the only defense in the Big Ten athletic enough to contain Denard. And God help Michigan if they have to rely on a passing game. As Michigan receiver Junior Hemingway might say about the UM passing game.

The ball leaves his hand; launched into the clear, blue sky.

It hits the cold, unforgiving turf.

The faces of his receivers show frustration and anger.

It is real. It is ugly.

Colorado @ UCLA (-11)

It would be easy to paint this game as an opportunity for the Buffaloes to exact revenge on the coach that deserted them and sent them from perennial national contender to Big-12 Pac-12 doormat. But then you realize that when Rick Neuheisel left Boulder most of these players were so young that they were still eating their own boogers. The Buffaloes do not care about Neuheisel’s past but, more importantly, they do not play football well. UCLA, as crazy as it is to imagine, still has a chance to be the sacrificial virgin that gets slaughtered by Oregon in the Pac 12 title game. The Buffaloes won their first ever Pac-12 game last week and I fear that a level of satisfaction now permeates the team – at least they got that off their shoulders. I think the Bruins roll the Buffs and both CU fans that still care more about football than ski season, curse Neuheisel once again.

NFL

Chargers @ Chicago (-4)

Is there anyone outside of the sports books and Chargers owner’s box that still think Norv Turner can coach this team? How is this only a 4-point game? Are the sportsbooks banking on Philip Rivers seeing Jay Cutler across the field and playing like he did when he would blow out Cutler’s Broncos? I don’t see it, mostly because Philip Rivers seems to have become the quarterback equivalent of Sean Alexander ‘one year too late’ and comparing the Bears defense to those old Bronco defenses is like comparing Homeland to NCIS –two things trying to achieve the same goal but one being vastly superior at it.

The Bears should roll to an easy win and after the Broncos beat the Jets to tie for the division lead, maybe the Chargers leadership will finally realize that Norv and this Charger team peaked about 3 years ago and it is time to blow it up and start over.

Bengals @ Ravens (-9)

It is an odd numbered week in the NFL, so that must mean that the Ravens will play well. That makes as much as sense as anything else the Ravens have done this year, so I will go with it. The Bengals have been a nice story and Andy Dalton certainly looks like a young Brad Johnson but I think their time near the top of the division has reached its end. It was fun while it lasted and we will always be able to look back at the first 2 months fondly, like a warm summer in high school. Though with his fair skin, I imagine no summer under a scorching Texas sun is remembered fondly by Dalton.

Will Joe Flacco lead the Ravens past the Bengals by double-digits? That’s as sure a bet as saying Reverend Ray Lewis never broke one of the Ten Commandments.

Oh. Hmmm. Yeah, this seems like a game to tease down to -2. Tease with the Bears? Free money.

A week ago, I arrived about 3 hours late to a 4-hour long fundraising party being hosted by my wife to benefit a group associated with the Denver Art Museum, whose Board she sits on. I had come directly from the airport, where I had flown in from a week spent working long hours in D.C.

Talking to a friend that night, I mentioned I had flown home to Denver from Tallahassee on Sunday, flown back to D.C. on Monday, back to Denver on Thursday and was flying back to D.C. again on Sunday.

He joked about me talking to a 20-year old version of myself and telling him about the week. I replied that the 20-year old me would have thought it sounded very cool and would be excited that I must have grown into some sort of important executive. The 36-year old me would have then told the 20-year old me that it isn’t as glorious as it sounds (though I wouldn’t mention the occasional first-class upgrade), be careful what you wish for, go buy another drink and talk to that really cute girl in the corner of the bar.

As I sit on yet another plane flight writing this, the movie playing is Midnight in Paris. A movie I love and saw twice in the theatre (which is a very big endorsement as I typically see about 3-4 movies per year in a theatre). At its core, the movie is both a love letter to the city of Paris, but also to the nostalgic yearning for a time we don’t know. While some people yearn for the future (the 20-year old me), Owen Wilson’s character (and to a lesser extent the 36-year old me), yearn for a time in the past.

But it is also a warning that all of that yearning is a waste as the idealized vision we have in our heads, never aligns with reality. Owen Wilson’s character wants to return to the 1920’s in Paris. Yet the woman he meets there, hates the 20’s and only wants to re-visit the 1890’s.

Nothing is ever as glamorous as we make it out to be. Just think about how little people bathed back then, you just know while the sites of Paris would be wondrous; the smell would have been atrocious.

A broke college student looks at a business executive and sees the freedom that comes from financial stability but doesn’t see the long hours and sacrifices necessary. The business executive looks at the college student and sees freedom from responsibility and free time but not the budgeting required to stretch $50 across a week’s worth of food and a weekend at the bars.

Is this all just the over-morose ramblings of an exhausted mind? Is it all just an elaborate mental game that convinces me life was not any better when Florida State and the Broncos were winning championships and not dead teams walking before October 1st?

Probably yes and yes.

Anyway, on to this week’s games. In keeping with our mindset, I asked Turner to find a theme for me and he went back to the very foundations of the Hierarchy of Hate. No elaborate set-up or theme. Just a simple comparison between two teams.

A theme we would have used back at the very beginnings of the Hierarchy of Hate. Back when things were so much simpler….

Theme: Pick your animal (and any other reason you care to write about)

College

SMU Ponies vs. TCU Horned Frogs

I have always made it a point of pride to not wear clothing for schools with which I have no affiliation. But I have made one exception in adulthood and that is for the SMU Mustangs. I am comfortable with this decision on the rationale that while my personal experience with the school consists entirely of one dreary morning spent driving around the campus, I count as friends what seems to be a large percentage of the graduating class of 1997. But setting aside personal feelings, per Turner’s instructions, I can choose any reason for making a pick and for me there is one overriding factor in my liking a mascot: originality. Between the Boise State Broncos, Texas Longhorns and South Florida Bulls there are other ranch animal-mascots. There aren’t a lot of other Frog mascots. While there are good reasons for that – mainly that frogs aren’t overly intimidating and are mainly seen today only splattered on the side of the road – at least TCU decided to go for a unique mascot.

Rice Owls vs. Southern Mississippi Eagles

Before I ever started writing at PFB, Turner and I once did a THH for the entire March Madness tournament via email for our own amusement, which when viewed in hindsight, sounds pretty pathetic. (Re-prints of this never-before-seen first edition THH are available for just 3 easy payments of $39.99) Our first round criteria were a comparison of each team’s mascot. Through two long nights of research we discovered that approximately 43.1% of all college mascots involve a bird. Of these bird mascots over 53% were some variation on Eagles, Hawks or Falcons*. Owl mascots are much more unique, so despite Southern Miss trying to fancy up their lame Eagle mascot by tacking ‘Golden’ on the front, Rice is the clear winner here. On a wholly unrelated but supportive note, I also always really liked that metallic owl that helped out Perseus in the Clash of Titans movie I watched weekly as a child.

* – All numbers are approximate**

** – and by ‘approximate’ I mean completely invented by the author but feel anecdotally accurate

NFL:

Bears vs Panthers

This might be the least inspiring mascot battle since the Auburn Tigers visited the Clemson Tigers a couple weeks ago. While Bears are generally only a ½ notch ahead of Tiger, Lion or Eagle in the mascot originality out-house, I give the edge here to Chicago. Even if names aren’t unique, I like cities where there are cross-team themes. Detroit has the Lions and Tigers (but no bears, oh my). Pittsburgh has black and gold as unifying colors across all their pro teams. Miami teams have the color teal and half empty stadiums in common. The Bears as a stand-alone is bad, but coupled with the Cubs on the upper- side, at least they went with a little-brother, big-brother dynamic. The Panthers, on the other hand seemed to be picked specifically to ensure no fans would be left out or insulted. It is un-orginal, un-inspired and boring. Sort of like the city of Charlotte.

Seahawks vs. Falcons

This is turning into a very Hitchcockian THH with all the birds running around. I wonder what Tippi Hedren would think of this match-up? She seems like more of a Seattle kind of girl to me (pale skin that has rarely seen sunshine). Similar to the college avian match-up above, you have to give credit to the team that went with the more original bird choice. Especially since after spending most of 3 years in Seattle I am pretty sure seahawks are the jackalope or Sasha Fierce of the bird world – a fictitious animal created to make a rather boring animal (seagulls, bunny rabbits, Beyonce) seem much more intimidating.

While I will cheer on the Hawks, I think it is safe to say that after this THH, the only bird contest I am looking forward to this fall is the movie with Steve Martin, Jack Black and Owen Wilson.

Though I will probably wait until it comes out on DVD.

Back to finish out our guesses at how the First Round of the NFL draft would play out if only teams cared as much about amusing us as they do making money.

#17 – Patriots (from Raiders: I am sad that we don’t get to see what fast, talentless player Al Davis would take this year) – Anthony Costanzo is a tackle from Boston College. He is a hometown boy that can come in to protect the weepy face of the franchise Tom Brady. He can also become the next white, overrated fan favorite (or as I call it: the Birdman) after Danny Woodhead loses his job (foreshadowing!)

#18 – Chargers – The Chargers need to trade up and grab Patrick Peterson. Not only does he replace Antonio Cromartie’s pass coverage that the poor Chargers defense missed last year but also more importantly helps the Chargers abysmal special teams. However, there is no word on whether Peterson can replace Cromartie’s dominance of the Father-Son-Son-Son-Son Picnic.

#19 – Giants – The Giants should grab Da’Quan Bowers if the Clemson defensive lineman can fall to them. I know Bowers has some injury concerns, but it seems like the rest of the Giants defensive linemen are always hurt, so Bowers would immediately bond with his teammates in the ice tub.

#20 –Buccaneers – Bucs tight end Kellen Winslow Jr. infamously said several years ago that he is a soldier. If that were true he would spend more time at the MASH unit than Hawkeye Pierce. However if the Bucs draft Nate Solder, the massive CU lineman, they would have one player who at last sounds like a soldier.

#21 – Chiefs – I still have no idea how the Chiefs won the AFC West. The only thing that I can come up with is thievery. They took the quarterback and GM from the Patriots. They took their coach from the Cardinals. Really they are just trying to mimic successful teams. For that reason, they can take Mike Pouncey, twin brother of Steeler pro-bowler Maurkice. Mike isn’t as good as Maurkice but the Chiefs aren’t a good as the Patriots or Steelers, so he should fit in well.

#22 – Colts – The Colts have been looking for a running back to take the pressure off of Peyton Manning. Ever since Edgerrin James’ career fell apart faster than Hedo Turkoglu in the 2011 playoffs the Colts have drafted Joseph Addai and Donald Brown in the first round and neither has been able to keep the job. Daniel Thomas has one attribute that neither Brown nor Addai has, size. He can take a pounding. Like when Manning stretches him out with a high pass while a linebacker takes aim at his ribs. Unlike most of Peyton’s other receivers he might only miss 1-2 games rather than the rest of the season.

#23 – Eagles – Needing another target for Michael Vick, the Eagles should grab Kyle Rudolph, the tight end out of Notre Dame and top tight end prospect in the draft. Sure, Rudolph can help blocking for Vick and catching passes, but mostly I just want to see what a fan-base that booed Santa could do to a guy named Rudolph if he disappoints.

#24 – Saints – The Saints have the most prolific offense in the NFL. Their defense however isn’t quite Super Bowl caliber. This team gave up 41 points to the Seahawks! Aaron Williams, the corner out of Texas would give them at least one shut down corner. I don’t know if he can tackle Marshawn Lynch but he would at least fly fewer than 5 yards on the stiffarm.  

#25 – Seahawks – Speaking of the Seahawks, despite the offensive explosion against the Saints, the Seahawks need to start thinking about the future of their team. Matt Hasselbeck is 35 years old (and a free agent) and I think we can all agree Charlie Whitehurst could shave his beard and the nickname Clipboard Jesus would still be at least ½ right. Jake Locker is a living legend in the state of Washington. If the Broncos can roll the dice with Tim Tebow, the Seahawks should bring in an athletic freak Locker and he can have a year or two to learn behind Hasselbeck. Just hope Hasselbeck doesn’t teach him about making predictions.

#26 – Ravens – The Ravens have brought in a number of veteran receivers over the last couple of years. Unfortunately, those receivers have about as much chance of beating a corner deep as Donald Trump has of winning the Presidential election. Drafting local boy Torrey Smith of Maryland would finally give the Ravens a receiver whose 40-yard dash time can’t be timed with a sun-dial.

#27 – Falcons – Looking to replicate the success of big/small back tandems the Falcons should draft Kendall Hunter to pair with Michael Turner. As both the Titans and Panther proved in years past the small/big running back combo is key to having a great regular season and failing in the playoffs. That would be totally new for the Falcons.

#28 – Patriots – Breaking hearts across  every Ben Affleck movie set, Belichick drafts running back Mikel Leshoure out of Illinois. Using a first round draft pick on a runningback from an underperforming Big 10 team? What could possibly go wrong for the Patriots?

#29 – Bears – Now that Bears quarterback Jay Cutler has become engaged to Laguna Beach start Kristin Cavallari, the Bears need to invest in a lineman to protect Cutler, who proved last winter he won’t be challenging Brett Favre’s consecutive game played streak. Tyron Smith, played at USC so he is used to playing with players more interested in being successful in Hollywood than in being successful on the football field.

#30 – Jets – The Jets need to continue to strengthen their defense while their young offense matures together. Linebacker Akeem Ayers out of UCLA provides another playmaker for the Jets defense. Rex Ryan really thinks Ayers could be a star. Rex is positive he has the best feet of any linebacker in the draft.

#31 – Steelers – They will have to trade up for him, but I have been saying for months that Nick Fairley’s destiny is to be a Steeler. He can dominate offenses from his defensive line position. His game is centered on playing in the shades of grey of the rule book and he is used to a fan base that is so loathed by others they would actually desecrate their most treasured symbols.  

#32 – Packers – It is easy to say that the Super Bowl champs don’t need more help but don’t forget that Aaron Rodgers was sacked 31 times last year. Adding Mississippi State’s Derek Sherrod would help shore up the Packers offensive line. And we all know that all of Green Bay loves players from Mississippi. I am already looking forward to Sherrod’s first teary-eyed press conference in 2024.

We are now approaching hour 48 of CutlerGate and it is time to get beyond reacting to what Jay Cutler did or didn’t do at the NFC Championship game on Sunday. In fact it is about time to get beyond reacting to the reaction to what Jay Cutler did or didn’t do at the NFC Championship game on Sunday.

I can claim no holier-than-thou ground on the reaction to Cutler not playing in the 2^nd half due to a (we now know) sprained knee. I jumped on the joke making bandwagon just like the next guy. I made twitter jokes about finding a dedicated camera trained on Cutler on the Lifetime network and that Phillip Rivers had officially just won their long-running feud.

I also said Cutler’s face looked like Kristin Cavallari just told him she still loves Brody Jenner. But that was before he hurt his knee, so it isn’t relevant. Though it still makes me chuckle.

But you know what? I would do it again. I feel that I am allowed.

I am an irrational fan. A fan that was both deserted and then insulted  by Cutler. If anyone has a right to make jokes at Cutler’s expense, it is a Bronco fan.

What has been most interesting about all of the fall-out from Cutler is the breadth of negative reactions to Cutler.

This isn’t a media-only story. This isn’t solely the case of the media lashing out at a player who wouldn’t accommodate them and they decided to portray him as evil (see: Bonds, Barry).

The negative reaction came from all corners: media, former players, current players. It seems that hating Jay Cutler is the only thing that we are united about as a country.

I half expect Obama to take a shot at Cutler tonight in the State of the Union and receive a long-sustained bi-partisan standing ovation in response.

Now, whether Cutler could return to play is up for debate. I have never suffered a 2^nd degree knee sprain, so I can’t speak to whether he could play. I sprained one ankle in a football game in high school and kept playing but then sprained another in college so severely I was still limping weeks later.

I can’t shout from the rooftops that he absolutely had to play since it was the NFC Championship. I don’t know what he felt like.

And, let’s face facts. He was having a bad day already. Would he have played any better with a questionable plant leg and the pain in the back of his mind on every snap? If you ask me, playing Caleb Hanie was the best thing to happen to the Bears on Sunday.

Setting aside, trifling things like facts though, I am more interested in the root of the widespread villification of Cutler. Why did everyone so immediately jump on and shred Cutler? To me, there is only one answer:

No one likes Jay Cutler.

Not exactly groundbreaking I know, but let’s think about the ramifications of this.

This wasn’t just the media taking down a player that isn’t cooperative.

This wasn’t just former players that will always believe players were better and tougher in their day.

This wasn’t former teammates taking an opportunity to take a shot at a player they learned to not like while sharing a locker room.

This wasn’t rival players that play him each year and have lost to him.

This was everyone.

Look at the cross-section of people that took high profile opportunities to dig at Cutler.

Maurice Jones-Drew. He has played 2 games against Cutler. Neither since 2008. And his Jags won both games.

Derrick Brooks played once against Cutler in 2008.

Darnell Dockett has played twice against Cutler.

Deion Sanders and Mark Schlereth have both been retired for years.

Yet, all of these people went out of their way to tweet their disgust at Cutler, immediately with no more information than you or I had that point.

They all immediately decided that Cutler was punking out on his team and responsibilities.

Why?

Because no one likes Jay Cutler. He comes across as arrogant, unfriendly and, probably most daming in the NFL, uncaring. His disinterested look on the sidelines; his head-down, mumbling style screams that he isn’t a leader.

Not just fans and the media see this. Players do too. They also talk among themselves. Brian Urlacher and other Bears may be the only people defending Cutler today, but let’s not forget even King Narcissus himself Terrell Owens once broke down in tears about ‘my quarterback’. Sometimes the press conference is as important of a performance as anything on the field.

It wasn’t that long ago that Cutler had ticked off Urlacher before he had played his first game as a Bear.

Cutler has done an admirable job of making enemies throughout the NFL. Just as importantly, his off-putting personality also keeps people in the media from playing a role as his apologists as they would for other players that maybe weren’t the most popular in their own locker rooms (see: Favre, Brett).

Cutler has created the perfect storm: he has nobody that likes him and then got himself caught in a controversy.

Bonds is a good comparison to Cutler (less the record setting, awe-inspiring performance by Bonds). After years of being a jerk to pretty much everyone, Bonds had no friends left when the PED scandal fell at his feet. Thus, Bonds, to this day, is Cruella DeVille, making a home run bat out of syringes while other players like A-Rod are slapped on the wrist but largely given a pass over time for their (more concretely proven) PED use.

So no one will ever know whether Cutler should have kept playing (and more importantly if that would have improved the Bears chances of winning), but one thing we have learned is that Jay Cutler needs to listen to more Stevie Wonder.

Knowin’ you can always count on me
for sure
that’s what friends are for

In good times
And bad times
I’ll be on your side forever more
That’s what friends are for

- That’s What Friends Are For

One half of one point.

It isn’t even a real number. How can you score half of a point? That is like a half of a penny or a bazillion. It isn’t a real number. It’s a number made up by someone just to torture others.

Half of a penny is used to increase the price of a tank of gas, without ‘increasing the price’.

A half of a point is used by guys living in a warm, dry climate to take money from others that come to their town to have fun and spend money.   

Either way, it is the most diabolical way to take people’s money through the use of fake numbers since Lehman Brothers and Bear Stearns closed their doors.

Half of a point is nothing, yet it changes everything.

This weekend, both conference championship games are sitting at a 3.5 point spread. A 3 point spread and if you like the favorite (which I do), you feel confident in picking them.  A field goal win, is at worst a push. But now, with the 3.5 point spread, the game winning field goal that elicits such massive celebrations in a hometown is just complete torture for the gambler. Your team won and you still lost money.

All because of that f*#%ing half of a point.

After a phenomenal Wild Card weekend (6 and 2) and a great Saturday of the divisional round (3 and 1), the odds finally caught up with me on Sunday. With the Seahawks playing more like Seagulls, and the Patriots playing like Pat from Saturday Night Live, I limped home 1-3, bringing my two week total to 10 and 6.

Not bad at all but nearly enough to fund a Mercedes and all those high priced call girls I will need to fully live the Matthew McConaughy lifestyle once I move to Vegas. Oh well, this week is my chance to go for broke.

And it will all come down to those damn half of a points.

NFC Championship – Packers at Bears

(First Half: Packers -3, Full Game: Packers -3.5)

Each of the last two weeks I have compared the Packers game to a FSU game from the past and even if not truly accurate of how the game was played, have swayed the gods to the outcome I want. Why stop a good thing when it is working?

This game reminds me of the FSU/Miami game from this past season. Two historical rivals with equivalent records. One team playing at home has a highly touted quarterback with past turnover problems, a well thought of defense and a questionable offensive line. The visitors are led by a solid, smart quarterback and athletic defense. Once the game started, the visitors surprised the home team with an unexpectedly strong running game. The visitor’s defense stuffed the home offense and the home team’s quarterback reverted to his turnover happy ways and the visiting team slowly turned the game into a rout.

That FSU 45-17 win in Miami was a good night. Let’s hope a Packers win is just as good.

Unlike FSU jumping on the Canes early, I think this game is close early. These teams have played twice this season already; there are few surprises left. With poor field conditions and cold temperatures, neither offense gets much going in the first half.

It seems to me that if the experts think this is a 3.5 point game, the halftime spread should be roughly half that (yes, I am a Will Hunting like math genius). But it is 3. And the full game is 3.5. I think you have to take the ‘free’ 1.5 points the Bears give you at that spread, regardless of your belief that Jay Cutler could have more than 3.5 interceptions at the half.

Let’s call it a 10-10 tie at halftime.

In the second half, I think the Packers find a way to begin moving the ball using their new found running game and out-of-nowhere running back James Starks. Starks wears down the Bears defensive line and Aaron Rodgers starts finding receivers on open intermediate routes (as linebackers come up to support the line). On the other hand, Cutler starts pressing and forcing passes to try and keep pace. Much like smiling or acting like an adult, forcing passes isn’t his strong suit. Clay Matthews has both a crushing sack and interception and the Packers put away the Bears.

Final score: Packers 27-20

AFC Championship – Jets at Steelers

(First Half: Steelers -3, Full Game: Steelers -3.5)

The Jets have become my nemesis. Not only do I dislike their braggadocio ways (though I do like any excuse to say ‘braggadocio’ – it ‘s as close as I get to speaking a foreign language), but Rex’s foot fetish makes me self-conscious about the ugliness of my own feet.

Even worse they keep winning games that I am picking them to lose.

It is one thing to make me cheer against you or make me cringe at the hammer toes I have sitting inside my shoes. It is quite another to make me be wrong. My ego can’t take that kind of repeated beating. In that way I am like a girl meeting Ben Roethlisberger.

However, while the Jets keep going against me, at the same time, could I really survive the next 3 days with the thought of taking Mark Sanchez to win in Pittsburgh?

Sounds like a recipe for 3 days of sleepless nights.

I will set aside personal feelings (to revisit them as part of THH on Friday) and go with the brain on this one.

In a presumably cold, dreary first half with 2 good defenses, I can’t envision much scoring (though a first half Over/Under of only 19.5 is awfully tempting). With the same logic as the NFC title game, I can’t pass up the extra 1.5 points that Vegas seems to be giving on that first half line. Give me the Jets and the points.

Let’s say this one is 14-13 Steelers (see that Over isn’t too hard to achieve is it?)

In the second half, it is more of the same. Big Ben treating the Jets defense like a drunk co-ed. Troy Polamalu treating Sanchez like a split end.

Sanchez has actually proven himself to me. If this is a 3 point game with 3 minutes to play and the Jets have the ball, I am actually starting to believe Sanchez can lead them to a win. So, this isn’t a vote against Sanchez. Rather it is a vote against his supporting cast. I am much more likely to believe that Braylon or LaDainain or Cromartie make a fatal mistake than I am Polamalu, James Harrison or Big Ben.

Call it a final score: 31-21 Steelers.

A Steeler / Packer Super Bowl?

That is one blue-collar multi-billion dollar event.

Or, as some might say, a bazillion dollar event.