After several weeks off due to the good (covering the World Cup), the bad (sad death of his brother) and the ugly (meeting naked guys in the bathroom at Wrigley – though not in the Larry Craig kind of way), Peter King yesterday returned with his Monday Morning Quarterback column. MMQB should be standard Monday lunch time/bathroom break reading for any NFL fan because Peter has been around longer and knows more people in and around the game than just about anyone else.  

As part of yesterday’s column, he re-iterated that his going-in position that the Packers and Chargers will meet for the Super Bowl. By my rough estimation (read: made up), this makes at least the 5^th year in a row one of the pre-eminent NFL experts has picked the Chargers to make the Super Bowl.

And for the 5^th year in a row, that pick will look ridiculous by the middle of January.

The problem with picking a Super Bowl champion in the off-season is that you end up basing it on the paper line up of the team, the schedule and memories of watching that team the previous fall. Memories which tend to fall one of two ways: either as a highlight reel or a bloopers show.

When someone looks at the talented roster of the Chargers, they would go back and put together a highlight reel of the 2009 season: 13-3 record, 11 straight wins, regular season victories over Jets, Cowboys, Titans, Bengals and Eagles.

But then they forget about the Chargers annual abysmal start (2-3) and home loss to the Jets in the playoffs. They also forget that the Chargers repeat this same pattern every single year.

At this point, to borrow a phrase, the Chargers are who we thought they are. A talented team that starts the season slow, picks up steam and gets on a roll late in the regular season then sputters out in the playoffs like a 39-year old Lance Armstrong in the Tour de France.

For me, it is impossible to sit here today and see how this year will be any different. The roster wasn’t greatly improved in the off-season and with potential hold-outs by players like Vincent Jackson, Shawne Merriman and Marcus McNeil they could be significantly worse. The Chargers also lost (an admittedly past his prime) LaDainain Tomlinson, free-love advocate Anonio Cromartie, Brandon Manumaleuna, Kasim Osgood and Jamal Williams. They picked up a rookie running back in the draft, Ryan Matthews who is also still un-signed and could be late to camp.

Someone much smarter than me needs to explain how all these moves make the Chargers appreciably better than they were a year ago.

Each year that no players are busting taking PEDs, the Chargers defense gets older and the chance of revisiting the dominating seasons of a couple years ago becomes smaller and smaller.

While Philip Rivers has grown into a solid quarterback all the weapons around him have not grown. The running game has atrophied like Merriman after his steroid suspension and Rivers’ receiving targets keep changing and it isn’t clear if they are getting any better or just substituting a new group of underachieving scrubs.

Putting all of their eggs in the cart of a rookie running back from Fresno State could help alleviate the pressure on Rivers or could blow up in their faces. Just ask the Raiders how the McFadden era helped Jamarcus Russell. Or ask the Broncos how Knowshon Moreno’s rookie campaign helped Kyle Orton. Or ask the Cowboys how Felix Jones’s rookie year helped Tony Romo. And remember how Marion Barber ended up being the key to the Patriots continued dominance? Oh yeah, me neither.

Beyond the roster being essentially the same if not worse, there is one additional element that will always keep me from believing the Chargers can win a Super Bowl until I actually see and hear Phillip Rivers say he is going to Disneyland.

And he goes by the name Norv.

Norv Turner has now been a head coach for 12 seasons in the NFL with three different teams. His playoff record is 4-4. What is different about this off-season that would ever make me think Norv suddenly knows how to win playoff games? Nothing. He is, to borrow another phrase, the same as he ever was.

Norv is a fine coach if you are looking for a good regular season record with a talented team. He is not someone that can turn around a bad team or put a good team over the top. That just isn’t in his genes.

My guess is that it has something to do with the name Norv. Do you really want to live in a world where a guy named Norv is successful?

I am the first to admit that I have no special knowledge of the NFL. I don’t spend my days texting with GMs. I don’t have players calling me to complain about their contract situations. Heck, I am not even allowed behind the ropes when I visit my hometown team’s practices. In short, I am just like you. Just a regular fan who maybe spend too much time thinking about football.

But if being stuck outside the ropes and watching 95% of NFL games from my couch are what keep me from continuously falling in to the conventional wisdom about NFL teams like the Chargers.

Pass me the guacamole.

After months of pretending to get our NFL fix by following the human equivalent of the Westminster Dog Show known as the NFL Combine and the movements of free agents deemed too old, too crazy or too expensive by their previous employers we have finally reached the crown jewel of the NFL offseason: the NFL Draft. Out with the past, and in with the future. There are endless educated guesses out there on who each team will draft but who should all these teams draft? Thankfully, your dutiful analyst here at PFB has scoured the scouting services and waded through Mel Kiper’s hairline to determine who each team should target, if for no other reason than our entertainment.

AFC East

New England Patriots – With the loss of Ben Watson to Cleveland the Patriots have a need at tight end (I know, I can’t believe losing Ben Watson would cause anything but joy in Foxbrough but it is what it is). In steps Ron Gronkowski out of Arizona. Whether he succeeds on the field or not, he can at least act as a guardian to long-lost cousin kicker Stephen Gostkowski, reducing the number of wedgies and swirlies inflicted this year by that bully Tom Brady.

New York Jets – The Jets need to find some offensive help for their second year quarterback and overpowering defense. They have gone out on the free agent market and gotten wide receivers and running backs, so they should use the draft to go get a tight end. How about Dennis Pitta out of BYU? Last year, the Jets made the millions of latino fans in New York happy with the drafting of Mark Sanchez. This year they can make millions of Greek and middle eastern fans happy by loading up on Pitta. 

Miami Dolphins – This offseason, the Dolphins lost linebacker, non-stop talker, cheap-shot artist and drunk driver Joey Porter to the Arizona Cardinals. Drafting Brandon Spikes, he of the linebacker playing, eye-gouging, teammate deifying career at Florida will help address the loss of many of Porter’s doucheiest qualities.

Buffalo Bills – Last year, the Bills played a home game in Toronto to expand their fan base beyond western New York and into Canada. If they can’t put a competitive team on the field, this is their best chance at remaining relevant. Drafting Dan LeFevour, a quarterback out of Central Michigan not only addresses one of their biggest needs but may also bring millions of new Canadian fans to the Bills bandwagon when they get confused and assume he is on loan from playing winger for the Maple Leafs.

AFC North

Pittsburgh Steelers – Last year after Troy Polamalu was lost to injury, the Steelers showed a great weakness in the secondary. Drafting Joe Haden, the cornerback out of Florida will help reduce the dependence on Troy’s hair. Plus after years in Gainesville, Haden knows quite well how to deal with a quarterback with a god complex.

Cleveland Browns – Three years ago, the Browns drafted golden boy Brady Quinn out of Notre Dame to address their quarterback needs. This year they can draft Golden Tate out of Notre Dame to address their wide receiver needs. I mean it can’t work out any worse than last time right?

Cincinnati Bengals – Needing another weapon for Carson Palmer, the Bengals should take Jermaine Gresham, who provides the added bonus of sounding like the best-selling legal novel author around. If the Bengals can’t get players that actually understand the law they can at least get players that sound like they do.

Baltimore Ravens – Still looking for players to help out Joe Flacco, the Ravens should roll the dice on Dez Bryant. Sure, there are some questions marks around Dez – especially about his lying to the NCAA and questionable work ethic but if there is anyone that will take a stab at motivating a young player it is Ray Lewis.

AFC South

Indianapolis Colts – Coming off a Super Bowl in which they were torched by Drew Brees, the Colts need to address their inability to put pressure on the quarterback. Jason Pierre Paul out of South Florida can help that need as well as taking the pressure off Pierre Garcon of being the only Pierre on the roster.

Tennessee Titans – With Lendale White becoming ineffective without tequila in his blood it is time to look for a new complement to take some of the load off of Chris Johnson. Not only does Toby Gerhart provide the short yardage power, and leading blocking ability, but can you imagine the nicknames that could be formed for a small black running back and large white running back tandem? Chocolate Lightning and White Thunder? Ebony and Ivory? The I-Spy Backfield? Tennessee Vice? I could do this all day.

Jacksonville Jaguars – Much has been made this offseason of the Jaguars drafting the best player out of nearby University of Florida to help drive interest in the team and improve their anemic offense. I fully endorse this approach and expect Maurkice Pouncey to make the short trip up from Gainesville to Jacksonville.

Houston Texans – The Texans are the ‘Almost’ team. Every year they almost make the playoffs. Matt Schaub has stats almost as good as the best in the league and he almost makes it through the season uninjured. Steven Slaton can make it almost all the way through the game without fumbling. Andre Johnson almost gets the credit he deserves for being the best wide receiver in the game. Thus the Texans should draft Joe McKnight – the USC running back almost as good as his predecessor Reggie Bush who the Texans almost drafted 4 years ago.

AFC West

San Diego Chargers – In a tough offseason for the Bolts, they lost their top running back in LaDainian Tomlinson, a back-up quarterback in Charlie Whitehurst, outrageous child production in Antonio Cromartie and a player known to disappear in big games (Tomlinson again). Clearly they need to sign Travis Henry to address the running and child production needs while drafting Colt McCoy for the back-up quarterback and ‘disappearing in big game’ gaps.

Oakland Raiders – There is little doubt the Raiders will draft Bruce Campbell, the Maryland offensive lineman who is a physical specimen that impressed at the NFL Combine with incredible speed and strength after a completely mundane college career. Really his only chance of success in the NFL is if his hand is still possessed like it was back in Evil Dead 2.

Denver Broncos – The Broncos have a lot of needs. They are looking for linebackers, offensive linemen, receivers and (possibly) a long term solution at quarterback. But there is another position that has been vacated with the trades of Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall over the last two offseasons: unhappy whiner who quits on his team. The Broncos can’t go into the season without at least one on their roster so don’t be surprised to hear the name “Mike Williams” announced at some point with the Broncos on the clock.

Kansas City Chiefs – The Chiefs are still trying to improve their offense but while the acquisition of Thomas Jones to split carries with Jamal Charles should help, their defense still has holes. Targeting Sean Weatherspoon, the linebacker out of Missouri helps out a defense ranked 31^st against the run last year. Plus he is one of the few players in the draft that would know Kansas City is actually located in Missouri not Kansas. That could be huge when trying to find the stadium for that first game.

Now that the Super Bowl is behind us and the ticker tape has started to soak up all of the urine left on Bourbon Street, it is time to briefly look back and then begin looking ahead. Today we continue our annual tradition of looking back at my pre-season projections and mocking their foolishness while also laying down an early projection for next year.

I wish I could say that this is the earliest projections for the 2010 NFL season but even before Peyton’s tears had dried there were professional prognosticators in a certain desert town suggesting that the Colts were the best bet to participate in Super Bowl XLV. Really? What about getting dominated by the Saints screamed ‘Colts repeat!’ to these guys? The team will be a year older, have another year under a coach that acts like the star of “Tyler Perry’s Weekend at Bernie’s” and have yet another piece of playoff choke luggage to carry but they are going to pick right up where they left off, huh?

As I looked back at last year’s edition of this post, I came across my early prediction for last weekend’s Super Bowl. Thanks to some convoluted rationale this was part of an imagined speech on Hardball (don’t ask) thus the strange introduction:

Chris, I would like to take this opportunity to announce my candidates for the 2010 Super Bowl. That is correct, right here I am happy announce that the Colts and Falcons will play for the Vince Lombardi trophy in Miami in February 2010.”

How about that? Pretty close for a full year out. Too bad things only got worse as the season got closer.  

AFC East:

For pretty much this entire decade, there has really only been one team that is even worth mentioning from the AFC East – Mr. Belichick’s Wonder Emporium. Now, after a season in which Tom Brady hit a child sitting in the 3^rd row with his ACL, there is a new defending conference champion – Gloria Estefan’s Teal Warriors. So do the Dolphins turn the beat around and win it again? Ah no. The odds of Chad Pennington winning another title with no receivers and two mediocre running backs is about as good as the Miami Sound Machine having another top five hit. No, unfortunately for all of us, the Patriots will pick up right where they left off a couple seasons ago. Much is being made about the turnover in the Patriots defense, however it is ignored that all of the players that have been released are older than several new NFL head coaches. A youth movement is a good thing – especially when the Patriot defense wasn’t that good to begin with. No, sorry Pats haters, there is only place where anyone on the Patriots has competition from an AFC East rival and that is from the new Jets quarterback in answering the question ‘Which quarterback has the hottest significant other in the AFC East?’

Winner: Patriots (13-3)

Wild Card: None

Actual Winner: Patriots (10-6)

Actual Wild Card: Jets (9-7)

SD: So the Patriots weren’t quite the team I envisioned (wait until we get to my playoff projections) but at least I can chalk up a win for my projections! Don’t get used to it. While the Patriots aged faster than the cast of 90210, the Jets snuck up to surprise and ride momentum all the way to the AFC title game. Somehow the addition of a wide receiver who can’t catch and a quarterback who doesn’t like to throw to his own receivers were the missing ingredients for the Jets. I can’t be blamed for missing that.

2010 Projection: The trendy pick these days is the Jets based on their late season run into the playoffs. But have we all forgotten the lesson of Matt Ryan already? Sophomore campaigns are always tougher than rookie years. And Sanchez’s rookie year wasn’t really that great. I think the Patriots, though aging, have one more run in them. And let’s not forget about the Dolphins, who didn’t even start playing until October and still nearly made the playoffs.

2010 Winner: Dolphins (Wild Card: Patriots)

AFC North:

Do you remember the movie Groundhog Day? Remember the major city that Bill Murray, Andie MacDowell come from to film Punxsutawney Phil? That is right it’s Pittsburgh. Well, take the hint folks. For yet another year, the Steelers will win and the Ravens will ride the coattails of their defense and the minimum risk offense to a Wildcard berth. Sorry Bengals, I may like you more thanks to your appearance on Hard Knocks (I need more Chad Ochocinco in my life. His saying ‘call me’ as each cheerleader ran by him on last week’s episode was the funniest thing I have seen on TV all year) but they can’t compete with the Steelers and Ravens. And the Browns…oh the Browns. The combination of Eric Mangini, Brady Quinn, Braylon Edwards’ stone hands and rampant staph infections may make for lots of good jokes but not lots of wins.

Winner: Steelers (12-4)

Wild Card: Ravens (10-6)

Actual Winner: Bengals (10-6)

Actual Wild Card: Ravens (9-7)

SD: Well, on the bright side, the Ravens were a Wild Card team, so chalk one up for me. On the downside, the Bengals turned a starring turn in Hard Knocks into a surprise division title while the Steelers decided that this would take this year off and come back stronger next year. Funny, I always thought that was what the off-season was for. If I had written this last week I could say I still haven’t seen anything as funny as Ochocinco telling each cheerleader to call him but then I saw that Private Dancer on this week’s Bachelor. Sorry Chad.

2010 Projection: If Troy Polamalu’s hair returns healthy, it is hard to see the Steelers not regaining their place atop this division. The Bengals just feel like a team that were the beneficiaries of other team’s off years and I still don’t believe in the Ravens, not with a defense getting older by the day and the only growth in Joe Flacco’s game occurring between his eyebrows.

2010 Winner: Steelers

AFC South:

It seems fitting that the geography of the AFC South overlaps with the SEC, because it could be argued that the AFC South is the SEC of the NFL. Both conferences have more than one team that could challenge to be the best in the game; even the worst teams are better than many teams in other conferences and any conference member is thrilled to see a team from Ohio or Michigan on its schedule. So it is only fitting that I think a former SEC quarterback will re-assert his dominance and lead his team to another conference championship. While last season the Titans ended the Colts years of dominance, I don’t buy Kerry Collins two years in a row – especially with a less dominating defense, a harder schedule and still no wide receivers. On the bright side for Tennessee, with a tequila-less Lendale White leading the way, the Titans can eek into the playoffs over the perennial underachieving Jags (speaking of no wide receivers) and Texans (..actually I don’t know why the Texans underachieve every year, sort of like the Georgia Bulldogs).

Winner: Colts (11-5)

Wild Card: Titans (10-6)

Actual Winner: Colts (14-2)

Actual Wild Card: None

SD: The Colts were as solid and boring as advertised. The Titans made a valiant attempt to erase that 0-6 start and make it a clean sweep for me in the AFC South. It is shameful I made a joke about Kerry Collins and Lendale without mentioning Vince Young or Chris Johnson even once. I look forward to plenty of Vince Young / Chris Johnson jokes next year. I am guessing they will involve some combination of CJ looking like a rapper and VY going crazy last year. Thankfully I have a few months to work on them.

2010 Projection: Was the Super Bowl just a momentary blip on the Colts continued domination or was it the tipping point that will send them on a downward spiral that it now appears Super XLII was for the Pats? A little too soon to tell, but it is hard to see the Titans not showing up until week #7 for a second year in a row. Not with Li’l CJ and the real Vinsanity leading the way.

2010 Winner: Titans (Wild Card: Colts)

AFC West:

All reports from San Diego seem to show that Shawne Merriman was able to successfully rehab from last year’s knee injury. Even if he has returned successfully, I think we can all agree he would have been better off taking a cue from LenDale and sworn off Tequila as well. As much as I would love to see the Chargers season imploded by a slutty, bi-curious, reality dating show veteran; even Tila can’t stop the Chargers from winning the AFC West. There is just no other competition. The Broncos don’t have a quarterback and a horrendous schedule that offset an improved defense and running game. The only question around the Raiders and Chiefs this year is to which team has the biggest bust at quarterback. Congratulations Chargers – shots are on Shawne!

Winner: Chargers (11-5)

Wild Card: None

Actual Winner: Chargers (13-3)

SD: Well, the Broncos made the division interesting for at least 8 weeks but in the end the Chargers once again ran away with the AFC West. While it is easy to look back at the Broncos and say they collapsed once again, that is revisionist history. It is forgotten now but their 6 and 0 start was fueled by the Immaculate Deflection at Cincinnati in week #1 and wins against Oakland and Cleveland. The next three wins against Dallas (pre-Miles Austin), the Patriots at home and at the Chargers were impressive at the time but in hindsight the Cowboys were still struggling to find their offensive rhythm (see: overtime win at Kansas City the following week), the Patriots weren’t as strong as their reputations (and they were playing their former offensive coordinator) and the Chargers were coached by Norv Turner and therefore view the months of September and October as optional. Though, this in no way excuses home losses to the Raiders and Chiefs in the final 3 weeks of the season – that was just an embarrassment.

2010 Projection: Philip Rivers and the Chargers receivers continue to grow while at the same time the Chargers running game and defense slowly atrophies. Can the Chargers continue to improve or at least stay equally strong while feasting on the pathetic Chiefs and Raiders? At some point one of these other teams are going to grow up and challenge the Chargers. I think the Broncos are that team and a second year under Josh McDaniels may be the time. Assuming their quarterback gains confidence and they find a defensive coordinator, run defense, offensive line, running game and wide receiver to replace Brandon Marshall. See, they are just that close.  

2010 Winner: Broncos

Playoffs:

Wild Card:

Titans @ Chargers: After LaDanian and Phillip Rivers put 5 touchdowns on the Titans, Jeff Fisher stops second-guessing choosing moustache over full beard long enough to second-guess letting Albert Haynesworth sign with the Redskins.

Ravens @ Colts: Last year Bert Flacco proved that he won’t lose a playoff game for the Ravens. Unfortunately for him, Peyton has proven that he can win a playoff game for the Colts. Ray Lewis takes a stab at stopping him, but fails.

Divisional Playoffs:
Chargers @ Patriots: In the NFL, many hours and many words are spent analyzing teams and games, examining things from every possible angle – from individual position battles to the grass types used in various stadiums. However sometimes analyzing games is pretty simple.  Exhibit A: Norv Turner vs. Bill Belichick.

Colts @ Steelers: In the world of NFL stereotypes this would be a high-flying offense versus a dominating defense. But after the release of Marvin Harrison and the presumed kidnapping of Joseph Addai, the Colts offense won’t set scoring records like previous years. On the other side of the ball, the Steelers won a shootout with the Cardinals in the Super Bowl and the handcuffs are being taken off of Roethlisberger to really run this offense. And as Tahoe hotel hostesses will tell you, Big Ben is tough to handle when he isn’t being handcuffed.

AFC Championship:

Steelers @ Patriots: I consider this one too close to call. Frankly, I would say whichever team hosts this game becomes the winner here. So, you could argue that by placing second in the AFC East last season and securing a slightly easier schedule than 2008 AFC North Champ Steelers, the Patriots clinched another Super Bowl berth this year. Well played Pats. I tell you, Belichick really is a diabolical genius.

AFC Champion: Patriots

SD: Everything about this is so unbelievably wrong, it almost isn’t even worth talking about. Other than an incredibly insightful preview of the Ravens/Colts playoff game that actually did occur the rest of this is about as accurate as predictions on what will happen in the final season of Lost.

2010 Projections: So will last decade’s dynasties continue dominating the AFC for another year or do the new young promising teams step up and show who will be the leading teams in the teens? It is hard to say. But my early feeling is that the tide is turning so my initial call is that your 2010 AFC champs will be the Tennessee Titans after they beat the Steelers in the AFC title game.

Really the only thing we know for sure at this point is that the Chargers won’t play up to their ability. It is comforting to know that as a new decade dawns not everything changes.

We will come back next week with our review/preview of the NFC but this weekend Turner and I are taking a little field trip to JerryWorld. We are off to the NBA All Star Game and will have a full re-cap of the game and what it is like to watch a 110-yard long HD TV. Too bad J.R. Smith isn’t playing, I’m thinking some of his 3-pointers have a chance at hitting the bottom of the screen that the all of the NFL’s punters failed to hit this season.

In honor of Conference championship week – a historically important week if there ever was one – and the fact that all of my archives before June were wiped out, I have decided to re-post the live commentaries I wrote for the last two AFC title games. Today, will be the 2008 game between the 17-0 Patriots and the Chargers. Tomorrow we will come back with last year’s game then round out the week with a special preview of this year’s two games and of course the Championship weekend THH. Then we wrap it all up Monday with the live commentary from this year’s AFC title game. Much like Brett Favre are going out in style. And, again much like Favre, we probably aren’t actually going out.  

AFC Championship Game – Live! (2007)

OK, I lied to you. I said I would be doing a special Championship Game Hierarchy of Hate, but I have decided to call an audible (you can’t see me but my arms are waving Peyton-style right now). Rather than come up with some arcane reason to cheer for the Patriots and Packers I have decided to go with a live running commentary of the AFC title game as seen from my couch.  I assume that everyone else is also rooting for these teams, as one team brings Captain America and the other is named the Patriots and could be the best team of our lifetimes. If you’re not? Well, don’t be surprised to be the subject of Bill O’Reilly’s Talking Points on Monday. Traitor.

Let’s jump right to watching the game.

Pre-Game

• How hard must it be for Dan Marino to watch the preparations and realize that Billy Volek and Philip Rivers could be going to the Super Bowl? Any time I don’t see one of his hands, I assume he is digging a pencil into his leg to keep from choking Boomer Esiason.
• Sam Ryan checks in to tell us that several of the Giants aren’t wearing sleeves in the super-zero temps at Lambeau to ‘make a statement’. This is the statement I think it makes: “I’m dumb”.
• I just realized that Bill Cowher looks like Bart Bryant. A favorite of mine since Turner and I did a Hierarchy of Hate for the Accenture Match Plays last year. Our running joke was whether he looked more like a high school shop teacher or one of those creepy guys driving vans around elementary schools. Almost a year later, it is still too close to call.
• I always thought that Jim Nantz had to be one of the coolest guys around since he gets to announce NFL games, March Madness and the Masters. Today he out-did himself as he apparently penned a Symphony for the introduction to the game. The man has no limits.

1^st Quarter

• Shockingly, the Chargers open up with two Tomlinson runs up the middle with their quarterback and leading receiver injured. Who would’ve thunk? Norv really is a genius.
• Do you think when Luis Castillo and Shawne Merriman shoot each other up they go for between the toes or the butt? I am guessing they are toes men.
• First commercial for a new sitcom, The Captain. Though with George Bluth Sr. in it, it can’t be too bad, right? Who would’ve thought he and George Michael would go on to the most success after Arrested Development finished? Other than her questionable taste in women, what could possibly be keeping Portia De Rossi from being the leading lady in any romantic comedy?
• Colts have come out passing with LT on the sideline on the second drive, nice change of pace by Norv. I get the feeling that LT may be mostly a decoy today, every Patriot seems to be selling out to stop him.
• If Tony Bourdain is watching this game, I imagine he would describe this quarter as ‘punterific’.
• OK, I admit these ‘Dude’ commercials crack me up. Maybe it is a generational thing but ‘dude’ really can be used in any situation. Like aloha in Hawaii.
• Neither team has any sort of running game and the wind is playing havoc with the passing game. This could be an excruciating game to watch. Where is Gisele when we need her?
• Dude!?!
  • (Translation: Brady is intercepted by Quentin Jammer)
• Nate Kaeding shakes off the hangover from sneaking shots of Schnapps at last night’s Junior High Winter Formal and makes it 3-0 Chargers. I would call that a win for the Patriots defense. Other than Chris Chambers, the Chargers offense is doing nothing.
• Patriots are starting to find new wrinkles to move the ball, a reverse to Moss and then a swing pass to Faulk. This is why they are undefeated. They probe until they find your weakness and then exploit it. Sort of like the velociraptors from Jurassic Park.

2^nd Quarter

• The Patriots have decided to attack the San Diego defense at the edges and it seems to be working. I guess steroids don’t help lateral speed.
• Dude!!
  • (Translation: Touchdown New England)
• That Fed-Ex commercial with the guy with birds in his beard is a blatant rip-off of a Family Guy episode. I smell Stewie eviscerating a Fed-Ex delivery guy in the first episode after the writer’s strike ends.
• Widefield’s finest with three 15-20 yard catches on this drive. If Philip Rivers and Vincent Jackson are picking apart this defense, what could Brett Favre, Donald Driver and Greg Jennings do?
• My ‘expert’ analysis? The vintage Pats linebackers are selling out to stop the run and aren’t quick enough to drop back into coverage but this problem seems mitigated when they get in the red zone as everything is compressed.
• Kaeding sends another kick through the up-rights. Two field goals against the Patriots – that is definitely going on his facebook page right next to his World of Warcraft avatar. 7-6 Patriots.
• Should we start working on Norv’s post game speech right now? “I think we played really well today but when you are playing a team like the Patriots, you can’t keep settling for field goals.”
• Just as I am writing that the Pats should have gone for it on 4^th and 3, Kelley Washington helps pin the Bolts on the 3-yard line. Even though he is now a special teamer, I am sure he is happy to have escaped the Benglas to the Patriots if for no other reason than to keep his police record clean.
• Rivers godinas a pass to Assante Samuel who takes it out of Chris Chambers arms. In Chambers defense, he probably never saw a quarterback get rid of the ball while being sacked when he was with the Dolphins.
• You can’t give the Patriots the ball inside your own 30. Two plays and Brady to Gaffney for a touchdown. 14-6.
• Norv loves the deep out. This will lead to one of two things happening. Either we are going to get an interception from a corner jumping the route or a Charger touchdown on an out-and-up.
• Another Rivers pick! He is self-destructing faster than I can type. Come on Philip, at least talk a little trash for a few minutes so I can get caught up.
• Moss selfishly comes inside and blocks two Chargers on a run that Kevin Faulk bounces outside for an 8-yard gain. Man, that guy only cares about himself.
• Darren Sproles pretends he is playing against Brent Musburger’s favorite team – the 2004 Oklahoma Sooners and busts a long run up the middle. Somewhere, Jason White just paused at his mail sorting machine and winced.
• Another Kaeding field goal just before half. Rather than coming up with creative ways of saying it after every field goal today, given that at this rate we may see about seven, let me be clear. Nate Kaeding looks like he is twelve.

Halftime: 14-9 Patriots. Let’s kick it back to the studio.

3^rd Quarter

• Cromartie covers Moss and every Seminole fan has a heart palpitation. If only those two had started more than a combined 1 game while at FSU, the Seminoles might still be relevant.
• Interception by the Chargers as Donte Stallworth bump-sets a pass to Drayton Florence. I am going to go out on a limb: if your team has 6 good receivers and you cause an interception, you aren’t seeing too many more passes coming your way. Nor are you going to get to have dinner with one of the Bundchen sisters.
• Vincent Jackson continues to use the playoffs to sucker someone into drafting him 4 rounds too high in next year’s fantasy draft. Next year, that won’t be me, so you can pretty much count on a record year for him.
• Chargers stuffed on 3^rd and short, so young Master Kaeding comes out and knocks through another field goal. 14-12 Patriots.
• Junior Seau went surfing instead of watching last year’s Patriot – Charger playoff game that he couldn’t play because he was hurt? Yet, he is the ultimate ‘team guy’ and Randy Moss is a team cancer for leaving the field with 10 seconds to play in a blowout loss. I don’t really know what to do with this but it makes me like Seau significantly less (which I didn’t think was actually possible).
• I am such a dork, that Jordan commercial with high school videos of big stars gives me goosebumps. For some reason my high school highlight reel isn’t quite as impressive as these.
• Uh oh, if Maroney is starting to peel off 10-yard carries (two on this drive) that can’t be a good omen for the Charger defense.
• DUDE!
  • (Translation: Huge pick by Cromartie in the end zone)
• You get the feeling that in about 2 years we are going to start seeing graphics that show some of the complete busts drafted before Cromartie, accompanied by mocking and sarcastic comments by the announcers.
• How many Patriots fans just swore bodily harm on the CBS producer that decided to point out Brady’s last red zone interception was to Champ Bailey in the loss to the Broncos in the divisional playoffs two years ago? I am guessing the number is not insignificant.

4^th Quarter

• (Holding up 4 fingers like every college team because, you know, they all own the 4^th quarter)
• To use a favorite cliché of announcers everywhere, the Patriots are starting to impose their will on the Chargers. They are reeling off 9 yards per play right now.
• Going back to the Jurassic Park analogy, we just reached the moment in the movie when Muldoon gets surrounded and eaten by the Velociraptors. Brady to Welker, touchdown. 21-12.
• I think the Chargers might set a record for highest percentage of completions between 15-20 yards downfield. That seems like all they are completing.
• Anyone considering cheering for the Chargers should take into consideration that Phil Mickelson cheers for them. That should be all you need to know to expect a lot of late game disappointment.
• Is it just me or does that Pepsi commercial with the Cowboys calling ‘60-stretch farllllaaaa’ sum up why they aren’t playing this weekend? Jerry Jones wants to meddle too much, Wade Phillips isn’t smart enough to call a needed timeout and Tony Romo tries to make a play and fails.
• The Chargers defense plays surprisingly well for a unit coached by Dusty Baker. Though that helps explain the ambivalence toward the use of steroids by his stars.
• If I had a vote, Kevin Faulk would be the MVP of this game. His early swing passes, runs around the corner and two clutch 3^rd down receptions on this clock-killing drive have kept the Patriots moving when things were sputtering.
• Another Patriot first down with 3:20 to play and no Charger time-outs. That be the ballgame folks.
• So in the least shocking development of the season, the Patriots win the AFC Championship. I will (grudgingly) give credit to Norv and Rivers. For a loud mouth jerk, Rivers played a good game on one leg. Norv accepted that the Patriots were going to force him to throw to his receivers to move the ball and that was the game he called. With no threat of LT down deep though, their red zone offense had no good answer.

That’s it for me, I hope you enjoy Captain America on the frozen tundra tonight. Next week, we start the countdown to the Super Bowl.

In Bill Simmons’ The Book of Basketball he notes a list of what he considers the biggest What-if’s in NBA history. Despite 3 years of work and over 700 written pages though, he never finds the time to answer the most important NBA question of all time: how do you actually pronounce the name of Nikoloz Tskitishvili?

This week, for the THH, we are taking inspiration from Bill, and playing a what-if game with the Divisional round match-ups. With a final four games that include the Cowboys, Brett Favre, a New York team and the Chargers it is hard to find teams to cheer on using a standard hierarchy of hate. However, it turns out if you look hard enough at each match-up you see a what-if question begging to be freed. Well, we decided to free them and help you figure out who to cheer on in games where you don’t really like either team <cough>Vikings-Cowboys<cough>. It just so happens that each of these match-ups have a gem of a question buried in them like a pearl in an oyster. Or, more accurately, a pearl in the poop of a dog that got into mommy’s jewelry box. Sometimes the match-ups work out just too good to be true. Well, at least for THH.

Anyway, this week we attempt to tackle these unknowable questions related to each match-up and use the answer to determine our rooting interests. Because, when all else fails, make up arbitrary reasons to cheer against the Cowb…I mean these teams.

Turner: Turner is stressed…. this posting is not a reflection of my love for the THH.  I will return, please stay with me through this time of mis-prioritization.  I hope the Shadow and SD can make my life whole again soon.

Shadow: Interesting notes about this weekend’s games:  I am not sure if there are some sort of anti-scalping rules or something in San Diego, but on Stub Hub, here are the most expensive ticket packages for the upcoming games:  Cards/Saints:  $12,353.   Ravens/Colts:  $27,780.  Cowboys/Vikings:  $45,413.  Jets/Chargers:  $2000.    I found it interesting anyway.  Before we get to the hate, here is who I would be betting on in Vegas in my order of confidence in the bets:  Colts, Chargers, Vikings, Saints.  Also, one other note, I finally took a look at SuperDave’s Oktoberfest pictures, and all I can say is that I really think an offseason blogpost is going to be necessary to recap the debauchery seen in the photo evidence.  I would also be remiss if I didn’t at least mention that I am happy that Iowa finally won a BCS game, and did so in pretty convincing fashion with a stifling defense (even if it does help to have a month to prepare for the option attack).  Finally, I was scrolling through previous blog posts, and I found this from Super Dave’s 4th of July missive of things he is glad he is allowed to think since we live in America:  “That they could all get ‘Brady-ed’ in the first quarter of the first game and Colt McCoy, Sam Bradford and Tim Tebow would still be the top three vote-getters for the Heisman.”  Holy crap, SuperDavestradamus, I think you basically predicted the Bradford and Mccoy injuries last July.  Prescient indeed.

Cowboys @ Vikings: Who is the better team in the early 1990’s – IF the Herschel Walker trade doesn’t happen? That is who you root for.

SD: This trade is generally credited with providing the key blocks that built the Cowboys mini-dynasty of the mid 1990’s. This trade led directly to the drafting of Emmitt Smith, Darren Woodson, Alvin ‘Freaky’ Harper and the greatest business boom the drug dealers and prostitutes of Dallas have ever seen. In hindsight this trade looks ridiculous but it is forgotten now that this Vikings team had been a perennial playoff team and truly felt it was one player from breaking the Forty-Niner NFC title monopoly. I guess in a way, they were right – the trade did break the monopoly. However, even after the trade the Vikings still only had one sub-.500 record in the 1990’s. Add back in all the players and draft picks they handed to the Cowboys and it is pretty clear that they would have been better than a Cowboy team with Jimmy Johnson’s haircut, Troy Aikman, Michael Irvin and piles of strippers and cocaine. But then we wouldn’t have gotten Boys Will be Boys and we would all be losers. Go Vikings.

Turner: If the Herschel Walker trade doesn’t happen then there is no Cowboys dynasty with the triplets and the Purple People eaters probably have a much better chance of success in the Randy Moss era.  Oh the thought of the Cowboys being just terribly awful in the wake of Jimmy Johnson.  Probably more titles for my Niners, oh this lost possibility gives me such joy.  So The Favrearians go forward in this one and send Jerry back to the off-season plastic surgeon. 

Shadow: Who would have been better sans Herschel trade?  Interesting.  But inevitably, a pretty easy call.  Part of what Dallas ends up with, by bargaining with picks from Minnesota is being able to trade up and get Emmit.  As anyone who has watched the NFL knows the surest route to offensive success will be through a stud running back.  Sure there are outliers where a superstar QB in the right system with average running backs can succeed (Brady).  Herschel was a stud in his day, but I do not think the Cowboys would have enjoyed the success in the early 90′s without the 3rd of the “Big 3″.  In fact, imagine if you will a bizarro world where the trade never happens and the Vikings draft Emmitt in 1990.  I think the Vikes would have ended up the better team so I will root for them.

Jets @ Chargers: There was a 2005 playoff game featuring these two teams. Both of the coaches in that game have become coaching punch lines. If you owned the Bills today and had only those two coaches to choose from to hire next year, which one would you. That is the team you cheer on.

SD: For the record this is Marty Schottenheimer and Herm Edwards. The obvious pick in this is Schottenheimer due to have been relatively consistent success. But he also always had talent to play with. Really, the period when he didn’t have talent – his last season in Kansas City, his one year in Washington and his first couple in San Diego he went 27- 37. However with Marty’s less than stellar playoff record, I am going with Herm Edwards. After four Super Bowl losses and the wrong end of the Music City Miracle I can’t bring myself to inflict more playoff pain to Bills fans. Better to let them stay mired in mediocrity. Of course maybe their problem is that they were never properly instructed as to why they play football. Herm can fix that too. J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets

Turner: Herman Edwards vs. Marty Schottenheimer.  Gun please. I guess I’m rooting for the J-E-T-S JETS, JETS, JETS.  If I’m the Buffalo Bills, I’d have to go Herman on this one.  Marty is the epicenter of loser-ville, he never could win the big game. Plus Herman is such a better tv commentator then Marty ever will be.  Lastly if you hire Marty, then you also get his son which given the Tennessee situation, having father / son coaching staffs really never works.  I’d rather just go back to Marv Levy or Barry Switzer.

Shadow: For me this one is easy as well.  I always admired Marty Schottenheimer, even if he seized up more in big games than even Bob Stoops.  The only thing I really ever liked about Herm Edwards was that he bolted the Jets for the Chiefs, which I saw as a bad omen for the Chiefs, mainly because of how much my friend Rob actually loved the move and was salivating over Herm coaching the Chiefs.  I mean, he may be an okay coach, but it is the Chiefs….of the Aughts.  Not exactly a team of destiny.  I would hire Marty to coach my Bills, and thus I root for the (gag) Chargers.  Stupid THH rules.

Ravens @ Colts: If the Colts never move from Baltimore – which of these teams has a better record – Baltimore Colts or Cleveland Browns? Do things turn out the exact same way?  The better team is the one you cheer for.

SD: I’m sure I could have done a bunch of research to see how and if the rosters of these teams change in any way if the Colts don’t leave Baltimore and the Ravens remain the Cleveland Browns. However that is not the THH way. Let me just put it this way: The Fumble and The Drive only happened to one of these teams. Assuming Peyton Manning doesn’t pull a John Elway and refuse to play in Baltimore or that an allergic reaction to crabcakes didn’t lead to drafting Ryan Leaf, then you have to assume the Colts would be and are the better team.

Turner: I don’t have enough energy for this one to dig into so I’m going to answer the Baltimore Colts.  Reasons: 1) the ESPN 30 for 30 series about the Band that Played on. That was just great.  They would be worth 10 more wins alone.  Secondly, we continue down the legacy of Marty and the fact that it is Cleveland. 

Shadow: There is no way the Man-Thug they have taken to calling Sugar Ray looks intimidating at all in the Cleveland “brown” uniform.  That alone assures that the Colts staying in Baltimore would have had more success.  Of course, had they stayed in Baltimore, Peyton would have held out after the draft and demanded a trade to Oakland, and good god, that would have been abysmal (note:  I chose the Raiders because they had the 4th pick in the draft, which is the same position the Broncos had in 83 when Elway held out…there is absolutely no basis for this correlation, but this is a blog, so just go with it.)  I take the Colts.

Cardinals @ Saints: Both of these quarterbacks lost their jobs to a member of the class of 2004 and subsequently left that team. Let’s assume those draft picks never occur. Which of the following would be the most successful today and why: one of the teams that had these QBs (Giants with Warner, Chargers with Brees) or one of these organizations without the QB (Cardinals – no Warner or Saints – no Brees). That most successful organization/quarterback is who you cheer on.

SD: You can pretty quickly eliminate two of the four teams under consideration. Would a Giants team with Kurt Warner be under consideration? Please. Not sure whether it was the dry desert air or the feeling of starting over with a wife that went from having a grey buzzcut to long blonde hair but Kurt’s game fundamentally changed when he got to Arizona. The poor New Orleans Saints (if they were actually still in New Orleans) without Drew Brees would be the same team they were before. Which, in case you have forgotten was not good. That leaves Drew Brees on the current Chargers team versus this Cardinals team led by Matt Leinart. You have to love a QB best known for sleeping with Paris Hilton, random community college co-eds and Nick Lachey but as much as I hate to say it, I don’t think there is any drop off for the Chargers if Brees is still in San Diego instead of Philip Rivers. Therefore I go with Brees and the Saints. March on boys.

Turner: I really have no idea what the hell SuperDave’s scenario here is.  Seems like multiple options and choices. This is one of those A, B, C, D, or All of the Above. There is a reason I failed the SAT.  I think based on the criteria the Saints will easily win this one.

If the Chargers had kept Brees, they would be completely unstoppable (or will have been for year since I’m not sure these Chargers are stoppable), but there would have been no bad years.  The Giants with Warner would have meant that Warner would have no longer been in the league because he would have been killed in the NFC East.  Geaux Saints…

(I think?)

Shadow: Warner had forgotten how to make quick decisions at the end of his tenure in East Rutherford and would have ended up in Coughlin’s doghouse and benched anyway, so no way it is the Giants.  The Cardinals…..what good are Boldin, Fitzgerald, Breaston, et al, if you have only the likes of Josh Mcnown or Matt Leinert throwing them the ball.  Enough said.  The Saints?  Seriously, the Saints?  I am not sure they survive as a franchise without Brees.  Without Brees they may have ended up in L.A.  That leaves the Chargers.  Let’s see.  HOF RB in place?  Check.  A man-child at TE who can’t be covered by a LB.  Present.  One could argue that the Chargers may actually be better with Brees than they have been with Rivers.  Kind of like how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop….the world will never know.  But out of those 4 choices, I think it is easy to see that Brees would have made the Chargers the class act.  Sh*t.  That makes two times SD has forced me to say good things about the Bolts.  Dammit.  It’s the Saints in this one.

Seventeen straight weeks is a long time to pick who to cheer on in random NFL match-ups. There are only so many times you can pick against Jacksonville just for the hell of it. As we reach the end of the season when even NFL teams are starting to rest their players, we here at the THH keep soldiering on, in the firm belief that our playoff performance will be directly impacted by taking a week or two off and losing that winning rhythm that got us this far.

However, like the adults at that party in the Ice Storm (Anyone? Anyone?) we want to mix things up a little this week. We didn’t put names in a fish bowl and draw out new partners for the evening, instead we look at the match-ups and come up with some game to determine who to cheer on. This week, I handed the reins to Turner to come up with the trivia/theme/game we need to pick winners. I will spare you the 27 message email chain needed for me to understand what we were being asked and instead let him explain.

Turner: As we head into this last week of 2009, there are a lot of things to look forward to in 2010.  First off, please let me just rejoice in the thrashing that the Ponies put on Nevada.  I had a bit of a tear in my eye during half-time as they kept saying “these are the ponies of the 80′s”.  Now I’m not sure exactly what that could mean, it was either 1) they were playing like top 5 team in the country or 2) they must be paying these guys because that is the only way that team has seemed to actually perform.  I’m going to continue focusing on #1 as it gives me something to already starting planning my days around next September (sooooo far away).   

The other good thing about this week is that OU plays on Thursday, thus if they suck as they have all year, I can attribute it to 2009 and still have fondness in looking forward to next year.  If you take this, plus the Broncos will be undefeated in January (because they sucked in 2009 and missed the playoffs), the Nuggets will rally and at least make the Western Conference Finals and the Avs might actually sneak into the playoffs, the outlook of the Denver / Oklahoma / SMU sports scene can only go up!  Oh and there is that FSU visit to Norman next fall. That alone makes 2010 (and 2011!) something to look forward to!!!!!! 

This is also my official send-off for Bobby Bowden (2-13 SCOREBOARD)….  I hope he wins especially since SD is spending his personal money to go to Jax to see the game. I can honestly say I will likely NEVER spend my own money to go to Jax.  It sure will be nice to see a full stadium in Jax, this and the UF/UGA game are the only times each year (unless Kenny Chesney plays a show there)….

 For this week’s THH we went with “pick the game based on alumni from SD (FSU), The Shadow (Univ. Northern Colorado / Iowa) and Turner (the OU).  As with last week there seemed to be a lot of confusion for SD on how to interpret a little research project into actually doing research or at least be good at playing 20 Questions. I sure loved that game but maybe SD should have spent more time playing that then focusing on Spin the Bottle with my wife in middle school and high school.

(NOTE from SD: This is untrue. I didn’t know Mrs. Turner in middle school)

 This week’s games are as follows: 

 Representing Turner:  The Football NY Giants @ Minnesota Vikings (THE Rhett Bomar / Allen Patrick vs. Adrian Peterson)

 Representing SD:  Cincinnati Bengals (Laveranues Coles) @ NY Jets (Leon Washington)

 Representing the Shadow: Washington Redskins (Ladell Betts) @ S.D. Chargers (Vincent Jackson / Nate Kaeding)

 **interesting note: each of these match-ups features back-up RBs from each our respective colleges.  That should have been an interesting addition to the research, it makes me happy that FSU players are relegated to back-up status as well

Shadow: I personally thought the Broncos would go 6-10 this year at best.  At the absolute best.  So why do I find myself pining for 9-7 and a playoff spot?  I think it was that deceptive 6-0 start.  It just completely through off my Broncolibrium ™, and got me to thinking thoughts I shouldn’t have thought to think or thought.  I guess I will be disappointed when they don’t make the playoffs, and that disappointment is heightened just like last year by losing games we had no business losing (Oakland at home two years in a row….WHAT THE F*CK).

 So in Part Deux of Super Dave’s attempt to prove to me and Turner how hard this whole “theme” picking stuff is, he is letting Turner take the reins, and predictably Turner stepped up to the plate and nailed the jay.  He got all the parts of a quality THH theme email correct:  deceptive wording (“vested interest”), red herrings (“New York Football Giants”…is he implying some connection to the “baseball” Giants?), and pointing out the obvious (“in our past”…as opposed to us all suddenly becoming Nostradamus).  Dave and I rattled around ideas for a couple hours…with Dave doing virtually all the heavy lifting, and finally nailed his theme, which was Alma-Mater weekend.  Of course, it only really works for Super Dave, who multiple actual players from his alma-mater playing in the NFL right now….but I guess that is beside the point.  Turner and I will be using our “Ersatz Mater” for this one.

Actual phrasing of Turner’s Hint: Each of us has a vested interest in one of the games based on our past.  You must pick the game based on that criteria.

The Turner Bowl : Giants (Rhett Bomar/Allen Patrick) @ Vikings (Adrian Peterson)

SD: I have decided to go with a theme within a theme this week. I call it the Crime and Punishment playoffs. While each match-up features alums of our schools it also (maybe not so coincidentally) includes players that ran into some sort of trouble with either the NCAA or the law while in school. Maybe it is my inner-outlaw rearing its ugly head, but I have decided for this week that I am pro-criminal. So, given that Bomar was banished from Norman to Sam Houston State for receiving a pay check from a booster for a job he didn’t actually do <insert joke from Turner about my own career here> while Adrian Peterson, despite being a better player and working for the same booster, was never found of any wrong doing. I believe if you do the crime, you should do the time, therefore I cheer for the player with the best name for a fictional movie quarterback west of Colt McCoy and the rest of the Giants.

Turner: Reliving the OU Legacy here,  Rhett “would you like that Corvette in Blue or Red” Bomar vs. ALL DAY.  The Bomar just won’t go away.  Allen Patrick (back-up running back) was the initial focus on the Giants for this one. It might have even caused the Giants to win this THH but just like in college, he is being overshadowed by the greasy used car salesman himself, Rhett.  Here is the chain of events that leads me to a Vikings victory here:  OU lands 5 Star Recruit Bomar (which has NEVER been successful at OU)……Bomar comes on campus as the Golden Child and is mediocre……. He decides to sell cars (ok, not sell cars but get paid for being employed by a car dealership w/o actually showing up)  <INSERT TURNER NOTE:WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT, This is what SD does every day>  He gets kicked off team, OU still goes to BCS game and runs into Boise State and hasn’t shown up in a big game yet.  So yes, Bomar cost my beloved Sooners at least 2 national championships and has cost the Giant at least one win this December. (41 points to Carolina at home??).  A.P. will be running ALL DAY in this one.

Shadow: The battle of the NFL Sooners.  AD-AP and Rhett Butler.  As much as I admire Rhett for holding down one of my dream jobs (getting paid for not really doing anything..kind of like being an Executive Director…I kid, I kid…stop filling out that pink slip Turner), I cannot resist giving the nod to AP who was nice enough to not put up 200 yards and 4 TD against Da Bears, thus preserving for me the championship of my office fantasy league.  It’s the Vikings in this one.

The Super Dave Bowl: Bengals (Lav Coles) @ Jets (Leon Washington)

SD: There are so many reasons to cheer for Lav over Leon, this one is as one-sided next year’s OU/FSU game will be. I knew Lav while at FSU. He was there during FSU’s glory days. Leon’s disappointing season and broken leg helped kill my fantasy team this season. The Broncos need the Bengals to win. The Jets are located in (or adjacent) to New York. Most importantly, Lav was kicked off the 1999 Noles for receiving a 90% discount at Dillard’s (among other offenses). As I said above, since I live the oulaw life, I feel a kinship with those who ran afoul of the law. Keep fighting the Man, Lav!

Turner: Again here, bright shining star with some “Trouble” (a.k.a. This was Coles Nickname).  It all started with him being born in Jacksonville (karma since SD is headed there and that is what he is going to be in after spending 4 hours at The Landing on Thursday night).  Question:  When does $412.38 worth of clothing only cost you $21.40?  Answer: When you and Peter Warrick (currently playing for the Bloomington Extreme – wow) are shopping at Dillards. I actually don’t necessarily fault these guys for this b/c with the education level in Tallahassee, the sales clerk probably added up the numbers incorrectly.  I guess Free Shoes just wasn’t enough.

In addition to this let’s focus on the rest of his life in the 90′s: Coles was arrested in 1998 for batter, suspended for the Seminoles’ 99 Season Opener against Louisiana Tech for academic reasons, and discovered to have accepted a plane ticket from a sport agent representative in 1999

 All of this is contrasted with good ol’ Leon.  The interesting thing here is that Leon is also from Jacksonville.  Maybe SD could take a “let me see where these guys grew up” tour after the FSU game (think he’d make it 5 minutes – I’d say HELL NO)…. the only thing in Leon’s past was that he apparently gave an obscene gesture for his Bowman’s rookie card (since removed – I’m sure it wasn’t an obscene gesture but more giving the classic “J” sign that is ingrained in all of us from Jax)

 With all of this, it think it is safe to say that the J-E-T-S will win this one, but only if they survive.  Only hope the Bengals have is to maybe distract them with Lav’s cubic zirconium that he purchased for $1.99.  Good thing they are playing in NY where I’m sure he can also get a Rolex off the street. 

 (oh – and with this THH win, the Broncos are officially eliminated from the playoff, yet another reason to hate FSU)

Shadow: Wow, both New York teams this week…who knew Turner was a member of the supposed East Coast media bias.  This one is for Bobby Bowden’s lads, of which, sadly, there will be no more.  I think it is fairly safe to say that there will never be any more coaches in the future with the legacy of a Bobby Bowden, as our 24/7 full-access media bloated society will likely never allow a coach to spend 30 some odd years at one school.  And that, my friends, is sad.  So we have Laverneous versus Leon.  Call me old-school, but I tend to prefer runners over receivers.  Someday soon Leon will be teaming with Shonn Greene and Mark Sanchez to create a formidable backfield for the Jets.  Of course, they will probably still underachieve enough to make Greenie lament their woes each morning on ESPN Radio.  But, here and now, they still get my pick.

The Shadow Bowl: Redskins (Ladell Betts) @ Chargers (Nate Kaeding/Vincent Jackson)

SD: When I initially decided to go with the Law & Order theme for my personal THH entries this week, I asked the Shadow if any of the involved Northern Colorado or Iowa players had ever faced legal or compliance issues. He responded: The only thing illegal happening in Greeley were bad pick-up lines.  And no Hawkeye football player would ever dare to get into legal issues….that is what the basketball team is for.

While this may be true specifically for these players apparently Shadow forgot that every program runs into legal problems. Some worse than others. For example, there once was a school where the back-up punter was so desperate to start, that he decided the best way to win the job was not out-kicking the starter but rather stabbing him in the leg (Bronco fans recognize this as the same approach used by Mitch Berger this season). That school? Shadow’s alma mater – UNC of course! So in honor of Mitch Cozad I am going with fellow UNC alum Vince Jackson and the San Diego Chargers (sorry, UNC alum and Redskin Reed Doughty, I am playing by Turner’s rules this week).

Turner: I’m a big fan of Vincent Jackson (a.k.a Wild Child).  I can count the number of NFL Players from Colorado on one hand and Vincent leads the pack.  He is a stud and should be recognized as such.  Nate Kaeding (“Big Game Nate” and “Mr. Automatic” (Do you lose your nickname if you miss 4 straight FGS in the playoffs???) has a few interesting notes about him, he is only at S.D. because of the whole Eli Manning / Phillip Rivers trade.  Quite possibly if that hadn’t happened then the Giants would have never won that Super Bowl (but I guess then the Patriots might have – ugg) and that would just enhance everything about the origin of the THH philosophy around the hatred of NorthEast Sports Teams. Ladell Betts has nothing on him either, he is from Kansas City, he is from a single mom household who worked three jobs to keep Ladell fed.  That is a great story.  I really have no reason to pick against any of these players so this one went to OT and ended in a tie.  Yes, there is a possibility of ties in THH when you either hate both teams equally or you really don’t hate either one at all based on the criteria. 

Shadow: This one had to be the most difficult game for Turner to find, since there aren’t exactly a ton of former Hawkeyes in the ranks of the NFL.  He chose well.  Ladell Betts versus Nate Kaeding.  My favorite thing about Ladell?  In 2000, every yard the Hawkeyes gained rushing was by Betts.  I am not sure if that says more about consistency, or about really unimaginative play calling by the Iowa staff.  In the NFL he has never really gotten a chance to be the full time starter for any length of time, and has to be simply considered “serviceable”.  Kaeding, on the other hand, is Iowa’s all time leading scorer, and is now an All-Pro kicker in the NFL (despite missing some key FG’s in playoff games).  I am going with the kicker in this one, plus San Diego has also been friendlier to the Hawkeyes over the years (Kevin Kasper, Tim Dwight, Scott Chandler, Mike Goff, Ronnie Harmon).  Go Bolts!