Sometimes the world baffles me.

I guess this really shouldn’t be news but, on occasion, something reminds me how little I understand about this is big, round ball we all live on.

This week, the overwhelming story has been focused on Penn State and the aftermath of revelations of the depravity of former coach Jerry Sandusky. But when the most evil player in a drama is not the most famous, the focus inevitably shifts to the better known (see: Lay, Ken; Enron scandal). The debate shifted from determining how much Paterno knew, when he knew it and whether he did enough (the answers appear to be: a lot, a long time ago, not nearly enough), to how Paterno’s career should be treated relative to these allegations. Should he be allowed to leave the program on his own terms? Should he coach this week? Is he being scape-goated by the school because he is the best known name?

I have an answer for these for one simple reason. I don’t care.

If the allegations are true that he has been notified on at least 2 separate occasions going all the way back to 1998, of what Sandusky was doing, then Paterno’s legacy, exit and career are the least of my concerns.  He enabled a child predator for over a decade.

I’m not a lawyer but it seems like the phrase ‘aid and abet’ is appropriate.

So Paterno doesn’t get to run out with his team in Beaver Stadium one last time. Oh well. Poor him. That is a much bigger tragedy than the shattered lives of 20 young boys.

If anyone is old enough to remember the lessons learned from Richard Nixon it is Paterno (in fact he was already middle-aged) – it is the cover-up that always gets you.

Paterno, for whatever reason, apparently ignored all of the warning signs about what Sandusky did, children paid a price and now Paterno is paying a price. I don’t feel sorry for Paterno, I feel sorry for the children whose lives have been torn apart by his in-action.

With the news world focused on a coach leaving a job, this week’s THH puts a different spin on it. All of the match-ups this week feature one participant that once was associated with a team and is now facing that team.

College

S. Carolina @ Florida

Steve Spurrier won a Heisman as a Florida Gator, returned the UF football program to a place of national prominence, made oversized visors the go-to head gear for coaches and won UF’s first national title (thanks to epic choke jobs by both Nebraska and Arizona State, though I’m not bitter). Basically you can blame Spurrier for all of those obnoxious ‘Go Gator’ commercials, the undeserved arrogance of every Gator fan you meet, Gary Danielson’s undying love of everything blue and orange. Bob Stoops’ love of visors with brims bigger than his head and even Tim Tebow’s college career.

But things changed for Spurrier when he left Gainesville and failed miserably in the NFL. Now he has a talented but always underperforming Gamecock team, a love-hate relationship with former quarterback Stephen Garcia that is practically ripped from the pages of US Weekly and, like the Pacific ocean trash patch, an ego that is lost in an entire sea of arrogant, blowhard SEC coaches.

In short, he has been humbled, which makes him easier to cheer for. Especially compared to the program he left behind in Gainesville.

NC State @ Boston College

Like Spurrier, Tom O’Brien helped make the BC program relevant and then left for a promising opportunity but failed miserably in that new job. Where Spurrier went to the NFL, O’Brien moved south to NC State, presumably to have access to better, faster athletes.

After he left Chestnut Hill, the Eagles made an ACC title game appearance, developed a top-3 NFL draft pick quarterback and a coach was fired for openly looking for another job.

Since arriving in Raleigh, Tom has done little, with his highlights being an-almost ACC title game appearance last year and then running off the quarterback of that team because that quarterback wanted to play baseball in the off-season. That quarterback went to Wisconsin, and Russell Wilson was a Heisman contender and had the Badgers in the top ten earlier this season. But O’Brien really showed him who is boss! Now, the Wolfpack are 5-4 and O’Brien is 3 games from adding to the nation’s unemployment rolls, which means we could also blame O’Brien for our continued national economic challenges. I will cheer on B.C. this week, mostly so that O’Brien learns a lesson taught us by the poets known as Cinderella: don’t know what you got till it’s gone.

NFL

Arizona @ Philadelphia

Kevin Kolb makes his triumphant return to the team that initially named him a savior but quickly forgot about him when another, flashier player showed up. In that way, Kolb is a lot like Brady Quinn. Also much like Brady Quinn it turns out Kolb isn’t a very good quarterback. And, again like Quinn, Kolb likely won’t play this weekend. Kolb is injured which puts a damper on his homecoming. Also putting a damper on his homecoming: the fact that neither of these teams is very good. The Eagles have played more like the 1992 Angolan national basketball team than the 1992 US basketball ‘dream team’. I may enjoy watching great teams, but there is nothing I enjoy more than watching an overly hyped teams fail. So for that I will stand at Kolb’s side on the Cardinal bench and cheer on John Skelton and the Cardinals to pull the upset.

Washington @ Miami

Like Kevin Kolb, John Beck returns to play the team that drafted him in the 2^nd round of the 2007 draft.

Sidenote: Is the 2007 draft the worst quarterback draft of all time? Top five taken: Jamarcus Russell, Brady Quinn, Kevin Kolb, John Beck and Drew Stanton – all in the top two rounds. The next group: Isaiah Stanbeck, Jeff Rowe, Troy Smith, Jordan Palmer and Tyler Thigpen. I dare anyone to find a class that is so bad from top to bottom.

The biggest difference between Kolb and Beck though is that while Beck is playing his fan-base wishes he weren’t while Kolb won’t play and his fan-base wishes he was.

I will cheer on the Dolphins for two reasons, that in the end have little to do with Beck saying ‘I told you so’ to the Dolphins. First, because my good friend Doug is a huge dolphin fan and I want to make sure he doesn’t get to cheer on Andrew Luck for the next 15 years. Secondly, there are few things in life that give me the same joy as seeing the Mike Shanahan post-loss fart face.

I created this week’s THH theme a couple days ago before events far beyond the football field made it become even more appropriate.

I am not an Apple junkie. I have never owned an Apple computer. I don’t own an iPad; only partially because it sounds like a tampon from a Will Smith movie. I have never owned an iPhone but have owned nearly all of its smart phone competitors – from a Treo to 2 separate Windows phones to my current Droid. I do own an iPod (as if there is an alternative music player) but it is about 5 years old and holds no more than a gigabyte of music.

But even if those of us that don’t light candles on the Genius Bar must acknowledge Steve Jobs. In an era where businesses focus on cutting costs and strive to be the 2^nd entrant to a market (after the leader has taken the arrows from the locals), Jobs focused Apple not on making products to compete. He created objects to change the game.

While Apple products aren’t necessarily the most perfectly developed (see: the 437 versions of iPhones released) or technologically advanced, they can all be described with one descriptor.

They are all elegantly simple.

Jobs’ genius didn’t lay in inventing new products – his genius lay in taking existing products and making them simpler to use and nicer to look at. You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but you can tell an Apple product by its casing.

As the world becomes flat, China takes over the international markets like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man in Ghostbusters and companies are literally shipping their innovation to the cheapest offshore location, it was always nice to know that out there on the picturesque peninsula south of San Francisco, Jobs wasn’t just trying to cut costs, he was trying to find ways to improve our lives while becoming obscenely rich – truly the American dream.

I was certainly not Jobs’ ideal customer – I have no desire to sleep on the sidewalk for the opportunity to spend $600 on the newest technological gadget – but I still tip my hat to a man who may be the last in the line of true American iconoclastic inventors that started with Thomas Edison.

I like to think that Steve would appreciate this week’s THH. We are looking at 8 teams whose name is anything but Apple-esque. Where simplicity counts for everything, the convoluted naming convention would be banished. While Steve and his compatriots may have hated all of these teams, our task today is to find the even more disagreeable.

Fittingly accompanied by ‘You’ by TV on the Radio – played on my iPod.

Shadow: I must be getting old.   Used to be able to stay up all night playing Final Fantasy VII, sleep for 2.5 hours, drink some Mountain Dew and be right back at it.  Now…you just give me a couple of 16 hour days in a conference room filled with the combined funk of 30 variable bodies rotating in and out over the course of the day mixed with the lingering aroma from haphazardly consumed takeout meals and I am done in.  Physically and mentally drained.  But not too tired to turn in a THH entry for the week.

Theme: Teams with location-confusing names. Which team has better rationale for using a confusing name

College (State schools but named after cities)

Boise State v Fresno State

SD: Some people hate people from a different ethnic groups, countries or class of society. There are people that even hate a different region or state in their own country (though in defense most of those people hate Texas, which totally makes sense). I don’t have those problems, I focus my hate on a different group: State schools whose name is based on the city where they are located. This is not ancient Greece, filled with City-States. This is America. And in America there is no state named Boise. No state named Fresno. Those are cities inside states. No wonder our kids are so bad at Geography. Schools of higher learning don’t even know the difference between a city and a state, so how can we expect a 5th grader to know the capital city of the state of North Dakota (Bismarck – and I didn’t even google it). However, in this match-up of dysfunctional teams, I will side with Fresno. Setting asides Fresno State’s slightly odd obsession with the valley where it is located, at least California has other cities. In a state as big and diverse as California, the residents of Fresno probably do feel like their own little state. Outside of potato farms, ski resorts and bi-curious Senators what does Idaho have outside of Boise? Boise is Idaho. Quit trying to be uppity and differentiate yourselves from the rest of your state Broncos.

Shadow: We all know that both Turner and I have spent loads of time in the town with the Smurf turf.  It’s also kind of an important city in the state, what with it being the capital and all.  All of these could be reasons to justify its use of ‘State’…but you have forgotten one thing.  And, that one thing is this:  www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_dSjQ1qKrw   It may be a city in the middle of the California nowhere….but if someone goes to the trouble of classifying a “Fresno State of Mind”….that school wins.

Pittsburgh v Rutgers

SD: Pitt has done such a fine job of disassociating itself from its state that I actually thought Pittsburgh was a private school like the University of Denver or the University of Miami until I started researching this theme. Beyond a grudging admiration for the cloaking done by the Panthers I will go with them here for the same reason I went with Fresno. At least there are other cities and schools in Pennsylvania. Rutgers is THE state university of New Jersey – yet doesn’t seem to want to admit it. You hear the name of the river it sits next to more often than the state where it resides. Take pride in your state Rutgers. Just because New Jersey is the Jan Brady between New York’s Marsha (for its attractions and self regard) and Pennsylvania’s Cindy (for holding some promise but getting lost in the shuffle with the rest of the family), doesn’t mean you can’t take pride in your particular place in this world. You don’t see pro teams based in New Jersey pretending they aren’t form there, do yo…..oh. Nevermind.

Shadow: It is kind of hard to compete with the likes of a Penn or a Penn State.  While Pitt toils in the shadows of its bigger brethren in the state, with possibly a bit of an inferiority complex, what real choice did Jersey have?  Do any of these names roll off your tongue:  New Jersey State University?  UofNJ?  They were screwed.  Inability to create an acceptable sounding acronym is clear rationale for just naming your school for a war hero and calling it good.

NFL (Teams not named after the city/state where they are located)

Arizona @ Minnesota

SD: Marketing firms and focus groups were the end of good sports team names. Where once political incorrectness (Redskins), regional pride (Cowboys) and out-of-control egotism (Browns) created team names, as time went on names were chosen to maximize their appeal to as broad a customer base as possible. Team colors are chosen that resonate with specially selected focus group participants (i.e. the only people dumb enough or having so little else going on that they are willing to join a focus group) and we end up with 4 new teams with teal or purple as primary colors in a 5 year stretch (Marlins, Rockies, Jaguars, Panthers, Diamondbacks). But nowhere is this more prevalent than the choosing of a state name rather than a city. Hoping to build loyalty throughout their home states we get the Colorado Rockies – who have yet to play a game in Grand Junction – and the Florida Marlins, who play an 9 hour drive from some Florida residents. We also get the Minnesota Vikings and Arizona Cardinals. I pick the Vikings here. I suspect, given the twin-cities where they are based, that the Vikings chose ‘Minnesota’ so as not to have to pick between Minneapolis and St. Paul or, worse, the ungodly hyphenate Minneapolis-St. Paul Vikings. However Arizona has no excuse but the cult of inclusiveness. The oldest Arizona based professional team – the Suns  – has survived being identified with a single city and still garners the most ardent fans in the state. I say that isn’t a coincidence.

Shadow: Why bother limiting yourself to a single city when you can try and endear yourself to an entire state?  But let’s look a little closer and see these corrected names.  The Phoenix Cardinals versus the Minneapolis Vikings.  On the one hand, we have two birds (all right, one is mythical).  That is kind of like a double negative.  On the other hand, we are mishmashing Native American, Greek, and the Norse.  Exactly which demographic are you going for there?  In the end, we will side with Minnesota, since we are pretty sure the Cardinals ownership will do anything for a buck…and would eventually rename the team the University of Phoenix Cardinals, and confuse people everywhere into wondering why a college team is playing in the NFL.

NY Jets @ New England

SD: What is better: out-right falsehood or ambiguity to the point of uselessness? If you asked a foreigner to drive to the home stadium for each of these teams without a map, how long would it take him? He could spend days driving all over New York state. He could spend a week driving through all of the states that make up New England. The odds of him stumbling across the New York Jets in New Jersey and the New England Patriots in Foxborough, Massachusetts are pretty slim. While both of these names bother me, I guess I have to begrudgingly go with the Patriots. At least their name is true. New England isn’t very specific or helpful, but at least it isn’t out-right deception.

Shadow: The Patriots…..in true Bellicheat fashion, aren’t even satisfied with a state, they are going to claim a whole freaking region of the country.  Both the Jets and the Giants share the same sin of housing themselves across the river…but let’s be serious, have you seen the tax rate in New York?  I can’t really blame them.  Normally I would have expected myself to be using the word gluttony to describe Rex Ryan literally shutting down a Fogo De Chao….but in this case, I just can’t support the Pats pretending to represent 17 different states (that statement may be exaggerated).

Draft week is finally here; real, concrete news out of the NFL that is more about players than lawyers.

I know a bunch of lawyers. The last thing I want is lawyers to be the key players in my sports soap operas.

Strangely it is also the week in which NFL teams become most like politicians – you know – former lawyers that decided to ‘give back’ (i.e. – the power of running a firm full of other lawyers wasn’t enough for their massive egos). No matter what head-scratching moves a team makes in or leading up to the draft, the team will act like they just chose the right goblet from the Grail Knight.

On draft day, Cam Cameron acted like he sincerely believed one-legged Tim Ginn was the missing piece from a Dolphin Super Bowl run.

On draft day, the Forty-Niners convinced themselves Alex Smith was the heir apparent to Steve Young, rather than Jim Druckenmiller.

Draft day, where optimism really does spring eternal.

Of course, that isn’t the case. If history has taught us anything, it is that most of these high draft picks can at best aspire to an NFL career long enough to qualify them for a pension (assuming the NFLPA gets a pension in the coming labor agreement).

But that won’t stop each team from making the heartfelt case that the newest member of the organization will be the one hoisting the Lombardi trophy.

But which players will fail to meet those lofty expectations? I’m so excited for the draft I flew to Charlotte tonight to get the low-down on the first overall pick right from the source. Maybe its a sign, maybe it isn’t, but on the way in from the airport I saw a construction site at least 2 blocks long with a sign reading ‘Future Home of Cecil Newton’s Church That He Really Did Pay For All by Himself’.

Let’s go team by team through the first round and identify the players they should draft. I won’t pretend that I know what these teams will actually do, and have little evidence of teams following my advice (other than my epic guidance for the Jets to draft Mark Sanchez two years ago) but that doesn’t stop me from telling them what they should do.

And by ‘should do’ I mean ‘the draft pick that I think would be most fun for them to take’ not ‘will definitely make them better’.

#1 – Panthers – General consensus is that Cam Newton will be drafted by the Panthers. And who am I to argue. Jimmy Clausen has gotten his last two coaches fired, would you want him to be your franchise QB? Me neither. Some teams are scared off by Newton’s off-field transgressions (felonies, 3 schools in 3 years, transparent auctioning of his skills to the highest bidder), but I think Carolina is uniquely suited to ignore this. Their home state school is led by Butch Davis who has run a clean program once in his coaching career, when he coached the Browns, and we know how that turned out (24-34 record). If willing to hire a perennial cheat like Davis, I would imagine most North Carolinians would almost look with pride at Newton using the transfer payments he received to attend Auburn to help repair his father’s church.

#2 – Broncos – Marcel Dareus fits a glaring need for the Broncos along their defensive line. A glaring need that has been present for so long, it is almost becoming it’s own tradition unlike any other. Beside adding some size and skill to the  Broncos front line, I also like imagining John Fox (who isn’t the youngest coach in the league) and John Elway (who took his fair share of hits to the helmet) trying to keep Marcel Dareus and Darcel McBath straight.

#3 – Bills – You would think that as bad as the Bills have been for years, they would look for a flashy player – a quarterback or receiver to drum up interest among their bi-country fan base. However, they are smart and recognize a team should build from within. Offensive Line and defensive front seven. The Bills are so smart they have have a Harvard man under center! That is why they will grab potential superstar linebacker Von Miller from Texas A&M. Miller could be the best linebacker they have had since Cornelius Bennett played. A player taken when the Bills were led by another Harvard man, Marv Levy. See, with all these Ivy leaguers, the Bills are smart. They aren’t any good at football, but they sure are smart.  

#4 – Bengals – With both Chad Ochocinco Johnson Washedupo and Terrell Owens most likely on their way out of Cincy as soon as the Bengals are allowed to release them, it is important to get Jordan Palmer some help. You can’t go wrong with Julio Jones who looks like he has all the skills to be a star. This is such an obvious pick, that I hear VH1 has already contacted Julio about his own TV series.  I like to think the show is about Julio helping kids that get picked on at the playground to learn to stand up to bullies. Then they can call it ‘Me and Julio Down By the Schoolyard’.  

#5 – Cardinals – The Cardinals went from perennial Super Bowl contenders to the bottom of the worst division in the NFL when Kurt Warner decided he would rather dance on primetime than play for them. After a season of using quarterbacks that wouldn’t be hired to be Adam Sandler’s stunt double in The Longest Yard, the Cardinals need to grab Blaine Gabbert. He is a lock. What could go wrong with the Cardinals drafting a tall, immoble, white quarterback whose last name ends in ‘rt’?

#6 – Browns – AJ Green, the ridiculously talented wide out from Georgia fills a big hole for the Browns. Let’s just hope the Browns have better luck with him than the last WR they drafted known for his one-handed catches in college. Once Braylon Edwards got to Cleveland the only thing he could catch was pity and scorn from LeBron’s hangers-ons.

#7 – Forty-Niners – Unwilling to accept that the Alex Smith era is need of euthanization, the Forty-Niners continue to try and improve their defense to off-set Smith. To put some more skill in front of all-world linebacker Patrick Willis, the Niners should grab Robert Quinn. Sure, he didn’t play last season after taking illegal benefits from agents, but let’s face it, the Forty-Niners haven’t played for most of this decade. Call it a wash.

#8 – Titans – Still looking to replace Albert Haynesworth’s pass rush that jumped at Dan Snyder’s millions years ago, the Titans should reach for Cameron Jordan. Not only will he give them a edge pass rusher, but could open up a whole new population of potential season ticket holders, when frat boys from all over the south buy game tickets after hearing the Titans have acquired Jordan, assuming he is a former sorority girl that has joined the Titans cheerleading squad.  

#9 – Cowboys – There are three things Jerry Jones loves in this world. Meddling with his football team, bringing in players with questionable character and his alma mater Arkansas Razorbacks. I give you the perfect storm of Jones’ incompetence: Ryan Mallett.

#10 – Redskins – The Redskins need help everywhere except quarterback where Rex Grossmann looks to be a perennial Pro Bowler. I see them going for defense – specifically Prince Amukamara. As every Bronco fan remembers, Mike Shanahan has a fetish for drafting cornerbacks. Also, I think of this as tossing a bone to the idiot Birther movement. Just think of the jokes they can make with a guy whose name sounds like African royalty in the same city as President Obama. Those jokes would probably be hilarious. At least to other people dumb enough to be birthers.

#11 – Texans – In the mistaken belief that their offense isn’t a problem, the Texans should look to add more playmakers on defense so this can be the year they finally live up to their annual sleeper contender status. Justin Houston, a linebacker out of Georgia is the perfect fit. 6’3”, 270 pounds with a 4.6 40-yard dash. Plus his last name is Houston! And coming from Georgia he is accustomed to his team failing to meet overblown pre-season expectations.

#12 – Vikings – It looks like it might finally be the end of the Favre era. Let’s all commemorate the falling of an American hero, by pouring our Vicodin out on the curb. Needing a replacement for Favre, the Vikings should turn to Andy Dalton. Sure, there are some concerns his red hair may prevent him from succeeding in the pros, but with the Vikings playing in a dome and Minnesota’s long winters at least we won’t have to worry about Dalton failing because of the sun’s debilitating effects on his fair skin.

#13 – Lions – After just 3 or 4 games, the injury bug impacted Jahvid Best’s rookie campaign for the Lions last year and resurrected concerns about him from college that he can’t stay healthy. If Matt Millen were still in charge he would just go draft Ryan Williams this year despite taking a running back last year. Millen already had experience blowing a draft pick on an overrated Va Tech running back when he took Kevin Jones in 2004. Sigh, I miss Matt Millen.

#14 – Rams – New Rams owner Stan Kroenke wants to make a big splash with his first draft. He wants to make the big-name pick that will draw attention back from the Cardinals and Albert Pujols’ on-going contract drama. Most importantly he wants to help 2^nd year quarterback Sam Bradford. What name makes the most sense to draw excitement to the Rams? If I have said it once, I have said it never, nothing gets fans excited like an offensive lineman from Wisconsin. Gabe Carimi is just the man to get the City by the Arch talking.

#15 – Dolphins – The Dolphins just can’t trust injury-prone Ronnie Brown or mellow-dude Ricky Williams to handle the running game. It is time to start finding young legs to take some of the load. Bruising, consistent Mark Ingram would be the perfect answer but I can’t be the only one thinking that giving Mark Ingram Senior an excuse to visit Miami is a bad idea if we want to win the War On Drugs.

#16 – Jaguars – After years of drafting bustastic wide receivers in the first round, the Jaguars are finally starting to build their defense so that they can still win games, while their perennially mediocre offense sputters along and their fan base continues to shrink. To help both problems, the Jags can draft Jimmy Smith out of CU. Not only will he solidify the Jags’ secondary, but Jags fans can just recycle their old wide receiver Jimmy Smith jerseys and reminisce about the good old days when they were relevant.

We will back to finish out the rest of the first round later this week.

Tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day. As a proud descendent of the Irish isle I should be planning my day around gallons of Guinness, corned beef, cabbage and picking fights.

But instead, I am preparing to honor a higher power than an ancient leprechaun in a green hat: March Madness.

The NCAA continuously tries to make me hate everything they touch (see: this outstanding article) but despite their best efforts I still love March Madness.

Even more so when I get to watch games live. The regionals are back in Denver this year, and Turner, the Shadow, the Mrs. and I will be making a pilgrimage to the Pepsi Center for the day’s festivities. Following up with a day in the SWR (Sports Watching Room) watching as many games as possible while eating and drinking as much or more than any human should in an average week.

But it isn’t enough to work on Jimmer chants or Rick Pitino jokes for our day at The Can. Since, none of us have any rooting interest in any of the teams coming to Denver, it is time to figure out who to cheer on: time to break the glass on The Hierarchy of Hate emergency kit and find some teams to root.

Turner and I are going to be using similar alumni to decide our teams while Shadow has decided to freelance after receiving a divine vision over night which I will let him explain.

Turner: Exactly 13 hours till March Madness tips off.  What does that require?  Of course a rendition of THH to get in the mood but more importantly a trip to the grocery store for Taquitos, Bean Dip, Velveeta, Rotel, Baked Ruffles (for SuperDave), Tostitos, French Onion Dip and not to forget the Little Smokies.    But before we sequester ourselves for 12 hours of gluttony and beverage consumption, we must attend a live sporting event on Thursday.  What better time to analyze the Denver bracket than by a ‘themed’ THH, courtesy of SuperDave.  You might notice that the Shadow created his own theme – he is trying to be like the Tournament Selection Committee – out in left field.

Shadow: For this year’s first (possibly only) NCAA Bracketology THH, I have chosen to break away from Super Dave’s proposed theme and do one of my own.  I can’t believe 4 months have passed since SD, Turner and I were watching college football at Casa SuperDave.  To be sure, Friday will at least be warmer than that day was back in the “SWR”.  Geez, SD, needs a better name/acronym than that.  How bout we call it “The Pub”.   My bracket may be trashed by Friday, especially since I picked local games based on who I am cheering on, not who I think will really win…but who cares….this is one of my favorite times of year.  On to the decisions:

 Louisville v Morehead State:

Super Bowl XXI rematch: Tom Jackson vs Phil Simms

SD: Talk about starting with a softball. I had to think about this contest for even less time than it takes Rick Pitino to have sex. TJ was the stalwart, undersized leader of the Bronco defenses of my youth. Phil Simms was the feathered haircut wearing leader of obnoxious players like Phil McConkey and Mark Bavaro that beat the Broncos in the Super Bowl. That is enough for me. Here is my new Louisville cheer, in honor of Rick Pitino: “Give me an L!, Give me an O! Give me….and done”.

Turner: <insert SuperDave Pitino / Morehead joke – warning if you follow him on twitter, be prepared for about 423 of these on Tuesday>  TJ vs. Phil Simms: analyst vs. commentator – on so many levels TJ takes this.  1) I think he holds gameday together with Berman 2) He was a Bronco  3) Phil Simms is the father of Chris.  That alone puts him so low on the THH that he will never survive.  The Cardinals take this one by a head.

Shadow: “Dangerous” by Kardinal Offishall versus “One Night in Bangkok” by Murray Head.  While I am sure “Dangerous” would be the surefire pick of pretty much any of the basketball teams in this tournament, I am going to go here with Murray Head.  If anyone has annoying siblings who listen to music without really hearing or caring about the actual lyrics, then I am sure you, like me, have endured that moment in the early 80’s when you spent an unsuccessful afternoon trying to convince them that “One Night in Bangkok” is about chess.  Any song about chess that actually becomes a semi-hit deserves to prevail over semi-generic hip-hop any day.  This game won’t be the ultimate test of cerebral fitness, unless Turner has 10 beers on the way over to the Pepsi Center and his brain cells are staging a mutiny.

Vanderbilt v Richmond:        

ESPN Talking Heads v1: Buster Olney v Todd McShay

 SD: At the end of the day, this really comes down to which sport you like more. Buster is fine and all, but I only care about his sport for 6 weeks every year. While I still don’t understand what credentials McShay brings to be Mel Kiper’s heir apparent (though what credentials does Mel Kiper have to need an heir apparent?). I will still take him and Richmond here. Fight on Spiders.

Turner: We have an upset with the 12 seed taking this one.  I go to which job would I want?  Dealing with baseball 12 months a year or just coming up with mock drafts for 4 months.  No brainer on this one.  McShay clearly takes this one and on top of that, the games are on St Paddy’s day so the Irishman has to win

Shadow: “Brick House” by the Commodores versus “Starman” from Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars.  This one is over before it even begins.  Brick House may at times be overplayed in commercials, arenas, bar mitzvahs, and occasionally as Muzak in dentist offices…but still it is 1,000,000 times better than possibly anything ever sung by David Bowie or any of his alter-egos.  (but, hey, Labyrinth was still a great movie that introduced me to the special charms of Jennifer Connelly [and yes, by special charms I do mean her breasts…give me a break, I was at the height of puberty…and then she went and made Career Opportunities, she was the only 2 good things in that movie…but I digress]…so I am not totally anti-Bowie). 

BYU v Wofford

ESPN Talking Heads v2: Steve Young vs Wendi Nix

SD: My wife has an unnatural obsession with Steve Young dating back to his time leading her Forty-Niners to a Super Bowl win. Thankfully I don’t have that problem, though I do give him credit for having an Alma Mater that actually has his name in it. Wendi Nix is the cute blonde with the voice of someone smoking 14 packs of Marlboros per day that spends more time with Tom Brady than Gisele. Really, she could only improve her standing in this contest if her last name was Wofford. Fight on Terriers!

Turner: Cougars vs. Cougar?  Karma takes over here.  BYU comes in as the #3 seed and guess how many Super Bowls the GREAT Jon “Steve” Young won – yes 3.  He gives all that great Mormon power to the Jimmer who will take Wendi’s poor Wofford Terriers to the woodshed.  If you gave me any other Mormon (outside the dude in The Sister’s Wives on TLC), a blonde female sports announcer would have won, but not with Stevie.  Go Jimmer!

Shadow: “Jack and Diane” by John Cougar Mellencamp versus “Hey Baby (Drop it to the Floor)” by Pitbull.  You know how everyone says things from the 80’s are better than things now when discussing pop culture?  Everyone is right.  I would rather listen to John Cougar than probably 95% of the crap that now calls itself “pop or rock music” on today’s charts. 

Little ditty, ‘bout Jimmer and Diane,

Two American kids growin’ up in the heartland. 

Jimmer’s gonna be a basketball star,

Diane gonna get him kicked out of BYU for honor code violations in the backseat of Jimmer’s car.

St. John v Gonzaga

Sitting at NBA courtside edition: Mark Jackson vs Adam Morrison

SD: Jackson has a better view of the court from his announcing seat at mid-court, while Morrison, sitting at the very end of the bench has to lean around the rest of the team to see what is happening. Add in his comedic partner Jeff Van Gundy and Jackson and his Red Storm (despite the lame P.C. nickname) win this one easily. Morrison needs to pair up with Darko and work on their schtick. But until then, Paul Shirley remains my favorite NBA 13^th-man and I cheer on the Storm (still lame nickname though).

Turner: Simple – Adam Morrison has perpetuated the stigma of the great white college basketball player.  While suppose to be ‘Next’, he sits.  Ruined the hopes of my dear little Jimmer by stereotyping what goes wrong when you draft a high-scoring white dude.  You take that plus his porn-stache and the fact he got an NBA title, makes me dislike the Zags in this one.  While I have no opinion on Mark Jackson, his school gave us the great Chris Mullen which is everything that Adam should have been.  Go Redmen!!  (I’m sure the Seminoles wouldn’t like this)

Shadow: “Working Class Hero” by John Lennon versus “Bernard Crapshit” by Zag and the Coloured Beads.  Yes, it was really difficult finding a song/band that fit those Zags from Gonzaga…but it didn’t really matter, since it would have been tough to beat Mr. Lennon.  “A working class hero is something to be…..”

Turner and I went to the Lakers/Nuggets game last night, so I am running a little late on the THH this week. Thank goodness I came up with a theme for this week’s games because I am also running a little low on hate after burning so much last night.

Every offseason I forget how much I loathe Lakers fans. They are omni-present, obnoxious and typically idiotic. They are Red Sox, Steeler and Miami Hurricane fans all rolled into one overbearing package. In their bright, shiny brand new Kobe jerseys it is always hard to take any of them seriously as anything but bandwagon jumping losers.

I always get the feeling 98% of them couldn’t pick out Kurt Rambis out of a police line-up. Their endless, ridiculous MVP chants for Kobe every time he touches the ball makes them look uncreative and clueless (especially in a November loss when Kobe throws up a stellar 11 for 32 shooting). I get you love your Lakers (and have since 2007!) but enough already.

Last night’s game was the first time I have had to deal with Lakers fans in the arena, so I couldn’t be more happy that the Nuggets gave the Lakers their first loss and quieted the idiots. But before scurrying out of the stadium with their heads down it also forced the Lakers fans to pull out the last desperate cheer of a losing fan: championship counting.

Yes, your team has historically won a lot of titles but that has nothing to do with the present. So, while your team goes down in flames at the one basketball game you attend each year, don’t try and make the argument about all the rings your team won (95% of which were won before you had even heard of Jerry Buss). Only truly sad fans resort to this trick because what it means is that you are losing in the present, so your only retort is to fade into the past. Yesterday is over. If the Lakers go down in flames this spring, you think any one that actually plays on the team will find solace in championships won in the past?

Lakers fans may idolize Kobe but in their arrogance they are all so clueless they have missed his single greatest attribute.

Yesterday doesn’t matter. It only matters who wins today.

And today, the Nuggets are the winners. So shut up.

Ooh, good I found some more hate.

 College: QB Alumni Pro Career Division

 Southern Miss @ UCF – a Vikings QB went to each of these schools. In their best season with Vikings, which had a better team?

SD: Daunte Culpepper’s best team with the Vikings was the 2000 team that lost to the NY Giants in the NFC title game. Favre’s best team was obviously last year when the Vikings lost to the Saints in the NFC title game. The differences? The 2009 Vikings took the Saints to overtime while the 2000 squad lost 41-0. Also, the Saints went on to win the Super Bowl over a Colts team led by Peyton Manning while the Giants lost to the Ravens led by Trent Dilfer. That is all pretty one-sided. Interestingly, they each suffered a sex scandal while in Minnesota. However Daunte had an entire boat full of women chasing him while Favre sent pictures of his junk to a girl and got nowhere, so Daunte wins the ‘playa’ challenge. But that isn’t the question here, so I will (reluctantly) go with Favre and Southern Miss.  

Michigan @ Purdue – a family connection links these 2 schools. Which family member was a member of the better pro team in his team’s best year?

SD: Of course this question is about the Griese family. Bob’s best pro team was the 1972 undefeated Dolphins team we have to hear about. Every. Single. Year. Son Brian left Michigan after a national title and came to Denver where he joined just in time to ride the Broncos bus to a 14-2 record and the 1999 Super Bowl. Interestingly, neither Griese was the primary starter on these teams (Brian sat behind Elway while Bob started 5 games, broke his ankle and then didn’t return until deep in the playoffs), and both took advantage of all-time great running backs. The easy answer is that the Dolphins went undefeated so they are better. But that is old sportswriter thinking. I am a blatant homer and that Bronco team was better. The greatest QB of all time in Elway (arguably), the best tight end of all time  in Shannon Sharpe (barely arguable), the greatest in-his-prime running back of all time in Terrell Davis (I refuse to argue), and the least likable player of all time in Bill Romanowski (no argument). Who did the Dolphins have? Larry Czonka’s greatest NFL porn stache and Mercury Morris, the most obnoxious player of all time (attention seeking retired player division)? Please.

 NFL: Super Bowl Loser Division:

 Seattle @ Arizona: Each team lost to the Steelers in the Super Bowl. Which of those 2 losing teams would win if they played?

SD: I know it has been a few years, but can anyone outside of King county explain how the Seahawks went to the Super Bowl in 2006? Seriously. OK, they had Shaun Alexander in his short-lived prime but then….who else? That team won the NFC and if they hadn’t been playing the refs as well as the Steelers could have won the Super Bowl? How is that possible? I guess that is one of those things that seemed logical at the time but the further away it gets, the crazier it gets – like the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers or George Bush getting re-elected. On the other hand, the Cardinals had a solid defense, Kurt Warner and Larry Fitzgerald. Unlike the Seahawks, looking back makes us appreciate that Cardinal team even more. Who knew that when Kurt went off to Dance with the Desperate it would reveal just how great he really was? I guess this means I have to cheer for the Cardinals but then that also means cheering for Derek Anderson or Max Hall. Ugh, that is so bad it makes me hope there is a Laker game on at the same time.

Cincinnati @ Indy: Each of these teams lost a Super Bowl to an all-time great QB. Which QB was more important to the NFL?

SD: I know you are probably thinking that labeling Drew Brees an ‘all-time great’ is a little bit of a stretch. I actually agree with you. I am referring to the Baltimore Colts loss in Super Bowl III to Joe Namath. Compare that with the Bengals 2 Super Bowl losses to Joe Montana. The argument for Namath is that his win was the first for the AFC and opened up the true competitive balance between the 2 divisions that lasted all the way through the 1970’s before disappearing for good. Montana and Bill Walsh reinvented offense, using a short passing game to open the game and change the NFL history books more than steroids changed the baseball history books. Both equally fine legacies but I will go with Montana for one reason: off the field behavior. Purposely ignoring his awful Skechers commercials, Montana brought us one of the greatest SNL skits of all time and showed us that seemingly humorless jocks could actually be funny, while Namath got drunk and tried to make out with Suzy Kolber on national TV showing us that drunk jocks don’t change much from high school to the grave.  Big win for Montana and by proxy the Bengals.

This week has been a little strange as I was pretty convinced all day yesterday that it was in fact Thursday, rather than Wednesday. My first Thursday night this week was great – I attended the Nuggets home opener in which they dominated the Jazz while the Giants used an offensive explosion to take a game one lead in the World Series.

Which shouldn’t surprise me, I love Thursday nights.

There are a lot of things to like about Thursday nights. When I was back in college, it was the biggest party night of the week. It is the night before Friday – the gateway to the weekend. If I am traveling, it is typically the night I come home. There have been good sitcoms on Thursdays since I was young. There is usually a good NBA doubleheader on TNT. The football weekend starts with your first (real) college game of the week.

Actually let me correct that last one. Sometimes having a Thursday night football game is great.

However, when it involves your team, it sucks.

I hate my team playing on Thursday nights. Hate. It.

Maybe because of bad history – I think it goes back to losing at Louisville in the remnants of a hurricane back in the dark ages known as the Chris Rix era – I just never feel good going into a Thursday night Nole game. Every team thinks they can win on Thursday night. The crowd is excited for the national audience, it is always loud and there is extra energy in the crowd.

Maybe that is associated with it being the biggest party night on campus. Huh.

Anyway, tonight is one of those Thursday nights. Compound the Giants in the World Series with my Noles and it is not a good way to start the weekend.

And, as I have long said. God is an accountant. Just as the Giants pull away for the easy win, the Noles collapse and lose in heartbreaking fashion. As we see a Giants team we don’t recognize win with a clutch offense coming through with big innings to pull away from the Rangers, the Noles revert to the team we watched the last few years: mental errors, defense that can’t get off the field and an offense making too many mistakes at critical moments.

I should’ve just watched Community instead.

Shadow: Overflowing with hatred right now.  The last week in college football has been devastating to the THH trio.  Iowa can’t kick an extra point or FG.  OU is lackluster on the road in losing to Mizzou.  And now, FSU loses a painful one in North Carolina when Ponder has the ball knocked out of his hand by his own teammate.  A sad, sad week in THH land.  The only potential silver lining….perhaps two of our teams will end up playing each other in some lower tier January 1^st bowl.  Of course, OU and FSU still have legitimate shots in their conference.  Iowa would need to win out and get a lot of help.  On the bright side, and completely THH unrelated, the Nuggets looked good last night as SD hooked me up with an extra ticket and we caught the home and season opener.  My only hope….once Melo is gone, is that the Nuggets somehow sign a pact with Satan and win the whole damn thing.  There’s some f’in change for you Carmelo Obama.

 College (College Basketbal History Edition):

Syracuse @ Cincinnati: There is Nugget from each of these teams – which one did you cheer for more in college

SD: A showdown of Carmelo Anthony and Kenyon Martin is more lop-sided than a game of one-on-one would be between them. Even if he is mere days from breaking my heart as a Nuggets fan, I have to go with Melo here. Let’s face it, I don’t pay attention to Big East basketball until March rolls around, so it is all about the March Madness performance. I picked Melo’s team to make the Final Four and he rewarded me. Kenyon snapped his leg in half (foreshadowing of his NBA career? Maybe)  and didn’t even play for the Bearcats. So let’s keep our eyes on the rearview mirror and cheer on the Cuse, rather than focusing on the future when La La ‘Yoko Ono’ Vasquez takes Melo away from us and convinces him to walk away from a $65 million contract. Probably on a Thursday.

Shadow: As detailed above.  I am not happy with Mr. Anthony right now.  Be that as it may, I have never rooted on purpose for the Bearcats, or any Bearcats players.  For some reason, I really dislike their mascot.  Not sure why.  Just do.  And I almost always consider them overrated.  Sorry Kenyon….if it is any consolation, I also cheer more for Carmelo as a Nugget.

Duke @ Navy: Played a March Madness game many years ago that involved several high profile players. Which player went on to the biggest impact in the basketball world?

SD: If anyone does any research on this game, the immediate answer is The Admiral, David Robinson. But you need to look a little deeper. Specifically at the Duke bench. Just past that dead cat sitting on Coach K’s head. That is right – there sits Danny Ferry. Future college All American and NBA bust. But, more importantly, also future GM of the Cleveland Cavaliers where his inability to find a decent supporting cast for LeBron led directly to The Decision, Miami Thrice, the Celtics somehow no longer being the least likable team in the Eastern conference and Don Johnson appearing in a commercial with LeBron. Well, at least one good thing came out of it. Outside of the commercial (Hi Chuck), that is quite a path of destruction. And we thought Coach K had left a legacy of people hating him.

Shadow: Even though his entry to the NBA would be delayed by him honorably serving out his commitment to the Navy….David Robinson easily had the biggest impact in the basketball world, reinvigorating the Spurs and leading them eventually to championships once Tim Duncan was added to the picture (kind of like Elway finally getting T.D.).  He is a hall of famer and one of the greatest centers in NBA history.  The Blue Devils may have clocked the Midshipmen in 1986…but none of them can boast one tenth of the legacy as the Admiral.

NFL (Super Bowl history edition: there is a link between the two cities in each match-up involving Super Bowl history. If you cheered on the involved team that day, you cheer them on today)

Miami @ Cincinnati

SD: The Secret link of course is that one team played in a Super Bowl located in the other city. In 1989, the Bengals traveled to Miami and lost to Joe Montana and the Forty-Niners on a last minute drive famous because Montana pointed out to the huddle that he saw John Candy in the crowd just as the drive began. The game was also notable as Bill Walsh’s final game with the Niners, and the 2^nd more gruesome injury in NFL in the 80’s. Sorry Tim Krumrie. As if to pour salt on the wound of Krumrie’s flopping leg, I was cheering on the Niners that day and therefore cheer on the Dolphins today.

Shadow: Who could forget Super Bowl XXIII.  One of the first Super Bowls I watched with friends, versus just with my parents, and at halftime they were debuting a 3D commercial (probably for Pepsi) but my ‘friends’ stole my 3D glasses and so I missed it.  Stupid…but it made me pissed off.  That Super Bowl also marked the first time I ever had Little Caesar’s pizza, as we ordered about 20 of them….so I also ate pizza for the next 3 weeks too.  Oh yeah, I guess there was a pretty good final drive by Montana.  I hated the 49ers, and hated Joe Montana and all he stood for.  This team was everything the Broncos weren’t…they converted on the big stage.  This hatred would be cemented when the 49ers demolished the Broncos the next year.  So, I was cheering for Boomer and the Bengals that Sunday in Miami, and will cheer the current Bengals in this one.

Tampa @ Arizona

SD: Two years ago, the Cardinals played the Steelers in Tampa in one of the more memorable Super Bowls. We had James Harrison illegally spear a few guys and then return an interception for a 100 yard touchdown run. Larry Fitzgerald split the Steeler defense and score with a couple minutes to play. A last second drive by the Steelers that if it had ended in a tying field goal would have sent us to the first ever Super Bowl overtime (and won me a lot of money) but instead ended with a great touchdown catch by Santonio Holmes and an uncalled celebration penalty. And after the game, Big Ben harassing every good looking ASU co-ed in a 15 mile radius (presumably). All in all, a great Super Bowl in every way but one. I was cheering on the Cardinals that day. So I will cheer for them again.

Shadow: I still have a hard time thinking of the Steelers/Cardinals Super Bowl.  It was the first time in several years where I actually actively was rooting for one of the teams.  I can’t really explain my disdain for the Steelers, but I think part of it has to do with their ugly win against the Seahawks and the fact that they couldn’t upend the Cowboys back in the 90’s, since my hatred for America’s Team ranks probably right below the Raiders.  Still wish the feel good Cardinals would have won, so I will be on their side this weekend as well.