It is tough time for THH at the Super Dave Bat Cave this week. After spending 36 hours in transit from India yesterday (and the day before and maybe a little bit of today and just a small piece of tomorrow), I returned, not to a ticker tape parade but instead to piles and piles of work. All of which needs to be completed before heading of to the City of Sins with the THH contingent tomorrow morning.

Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way complaining about my weekend in Vegas. We have only been planning it for 6 months. It is just hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel with your face stuck in the grill of a locomotive.

Anyway, with that, it is time to dive into hatred. We have tried to focus on the biggest college match-ups each week this season but despite this week having some great games we won’t be hitting them. Our allegiances are already clearly defined for these games: either by the teams we love (Oklahoma, Iowa) or the teams we hate (Florida). There is no suspense in these games. Our rooting interests are clear. So instead this week we focus on the obscure and unique.

If this week’s THH were a joke it would have been written by Dennis Miller.

Turner: Honorary Pre-Vegas Edition.  Like my time at the blackjack table, this edition will be short

Shadow: I have Vegas fever…..and I like it!  This week will be an abbreviated return to Hate as I prepare to pack up and ship this Shadow south to hit the glitzy Strip and make me some money at the tables.  I cannot think of a better way to spend a weekend than chilling with Turner, Super Dave, and Lemonster in Sin City putting our hard-earned money where our mouth is and trying to win big.  In honor of the ‘very short’ THH that SD requested, I shall put all my responses in the form of Haiku.

College

Florida Atlantic @ South Florida

SD: I always feel bad for FAU. They share a city and are confused with the oxymoronically named Florida International (last I checked Florida was still in the US. It just feels like Latin America). FAU’s location as implied by their name is only narrowed down to ‘the entire Atlantic coast of Florida’. I am sure in the world before Mapquest, there were poor incoming freshmen who drove the length of I-95 in the state trying to find the school.  Compare that to South Florida, who has gone out of their way to confuse people by not being located very far south yet adding it to the title. That is just rude. At least FAU is factually correct, if not a little vague.

Turner: Atlantic Ocean vs. Gulf of Mexico.  No doubt.  Clearwater and warmer waters win every time. Go Bulls

Shadow:

Bulls are not scary

When Owls swoop in from Boca

Geezer City Rules

Arizona State @ Oregon State

SD: As has been stated many times here I am a Beaver legacy. I have stated it many times for 2 reasons: 1 – it is just a fun sentence to write and 2 – it is true (my dad re-paved the basketball court at the Fiji house in Corvallis, back in the day. Though I am guessing after 40 years it might have needed touching up since). So even though I am heading off to the desert tomorrow and ASU would be the logical pick I can’t turn my back on my roots. Plus, I have sworn that the only parlays I will bet this weekend are the THH parlay (Turner’s, Shadow’s and my favorite teams) and my family parlay (betting all of my family’s alma maters to win: OSU, Mizzou, Wyoming and THE Florida State University). So, for many reasons, expect to hear some guy in an FSU cap to be yelling this in the MGM Sports book on Saturday: “OOOOO SSSSS UUUUUUU Oregon State, fight, fight, fight.”

Turner: Going to Vegas – is the Devils chasing you or are you chasing the Beavers?  Given I’m now 36, balding and fat, I think it is the former so I have to go with Arizona State in this one

Shadow:

I prefer “beavers”

On the Sun Devil coeds,

Not Oregon State.

NFL

Cincinnati @ Cleveland

SD: The battle of Ohio has become a regular stop here in THH-land. Why? Because there is no inherent reason to cheer for one of these teams over the other. It is like the Falklands War of football rivalries. Sure, the involved parties are very invested but the rest of the world pretty much says ‘ehh’. The Bengals have tried to change that; first with Hard Knocks last year and then bringing T.O. to play alongside Ochocinco in a pathetic attempt at gaining some attention in the AFC North. Of course, they weren’t counting on having the quarterback of a rival go all Jame Gumb on the co-eds of Georgia (well played Ben). In their attempt to become the Paris Hilton of football teams (more famous for being famous than actually accomplishing something) they lost something else: their souls. The Browns may be perennial losers but at least they still know who they are. The Larry The Cable Guy of the NFL: dismissed by almost everybody but adored by a small group of blue collar supporters. Their big off-season acquisition was Peyton Hillis: a 3^rd string running back that has turned into a star both in Cleveland and Denver (his previous stop) in no small part thanks to just a whiff of the Hansbrough Effect. Their best player is an offensive lineman. Their quarterbacks include guys named Colt and Jake. This is a real ‘merican team. A team Sarah Palin could love. Well, except for that wide receiver named Mohammed. A team Vince Lombardi could love. Well, besides the whole ‘not being very good’ thing. But this week it’s a team I love.

(I don’t know if that argument even made sense, but I am hoping I at least set some sort of record for football team analogies per sentence)

Turner: gun please……. <silence>  unable to finish this post because I just cut off my fingers thinking of the pain of this game

Shadow:

TO and Ocho,

Ticking timebomb of egos,

The Dawg Pound prevails.

Chicago @ New York Giants

 SD: There might be only one person in football more arrogant and smug than Jay Cutler and that is Mike Martz. Combining their self-importance in Chicago is like crossing the streams in Ghostbusters: nothing good.  You can say many things about Eli Manning (and I have) but out-of-control ego is not one of them. Give me the humble southern boy in the big city over the Stay-Puft Ego Man any day.

Turner: Classic THH Geography Edition.  I HATE NY.  Love you Jay Cutler this week.

Shadow:

Cutler must go down,

Hors d’oeuvres for Umenyiora.

G-Men in a romp.

We are back early with THH this week, due to the short holiday week. As we look at the 3-day feast of football and food, I am stuck thinking about a different uniquely American tradition – the gunslinger. Not a Billy-the-kid, shoot-out at the O-K Corral kind of gunslinger, I mean the quarterback gunslinger. The strong-armed quarterback who can (or tries to) throw the ball into any space, no matter how small. Sure, he makes mistakes but in the end his exciting plays outweigh them and Americans love our heroes flawed.

The modern day father of the gunslinger movement is Brett Favre, so as he continues his remarkable success in the Land of 10,000 Lakes we will continue to hear more and more about his gunslinging ways. But is that really true? Is Favre’s traditional high risk/high reward style of quarterbacking what has brought the Vikings to a 10-1 record? Or is it more likely, much like John Elway in his later years, Favre is only seeing success thanks to a strong defense, a great running back and talented wide receivers? I have been saying it since he before he was drafted, A.P. is the second-coming of Terrell Davis, right down to the initial-based nickname and high probability of having his career cut short by injury. Could he also be replicating TD by carrying a past-his-prime legendary quarterback to an improbable Super Bowl? We will just have to wait and see.

If the Vikings are the Christina Aguillera of the gunslinger argument (surprisingly well-adjusted after a rocky start), then the Bears are the Britney Spears (just a train wreck).  Everything that Favre has inside him and around him to reign in and take advantage of his skills, Jay Cutler lacks. Cutler has no receivers, a porous defense and a mediocre running game that was abandoned the day Whiny Jay showed up in town. Worse, Cutler lacks the charisma and enthusiasm that defines Favre’s career.

I have a buddy that lives in Chicago and the moment the Cutler/Orton trade was finalized we started trading emails – he boasting about how bad Orton was, me trying to temper any excitement for the turn over machine that is Cutler. As the season has progressed and Cutler continuously imploded in high profile games, I have sent mocking emails to him reminding him that I had warned him long ago to expect lots of red zone mistakes.

This past weekend after yet another interception clinched a Bears loss, I sent an email with the subject line ‘I am out of jokes’. Which I am. Even I, rabid Cutler hater, could never have foreseen the utter implosion that Jay has been in Chicago. Sure, he is missing the talented receivers he had here in Denver but that isn’t why they are losing. Here is what I said in the email:

“You know when I knew the Bears were cooked? When after the punt they showed Cutler walk on to the field with his head down, all by himself 15 yards from his nearest teammate. Has any quarterback inspired less confidence in a two minute drill?”

And it’s true. You can say what you want about Favre’s hail mary passing game, and prima donna ways but when it comes to playing the game – it is clear he still loves it and relishes the time spent with his teammates playing. Can you say that about Jay? He looks unhappy and alone all the time. That is what you want in a leader?

Of course, Cutler never led to Iraqi detainees mocking American soldiers, so he does have that going for him. Which is nice.

Turner: I’m sorry readers, I have to be short and sweet this week as Super Dave gave us unreasonable timelines to respond and I didn’t want to disappear 2 weeks in a row.  Disturbing fact of the week:  in 2 short weeks, the Shadow heads on a cruise with Mrs. Shadow.  While I’m excited for him to have a week off, I discovered today he has pre-paid and is planning a ‘couples’ massage.  This is disturbing on a number of fronts (most notably the price tag)… that money could be used to invest at the poker and blackjack table but instead he succumbed to his marital demands and will be lying face down on a table either getting a rub down from “Hans” (my personal preference to see how he handles that scenario) or some lady of Asian descent that had just spend the last 4 hours taking every single one of his dollars at blackjack.  God Speed Shadow.

Oh – and please, watch the Cancun Classic (Kentucky playing). They are playing inside a ballroom with chandeliers on the ceiling, are we this desperate?

Shadow: I am not quite sure where last week went.  I could blame it on the Vegas Flu, yet I managed to make it to work and be a semi-functional father.  I think part of my Hateless week had to do with the bad taste still in my mouth from Sin City…and I am not referencing our misguided decision to each down a whole medium Little Caesar’s pizza during the afternoon college football games in the Mandalay Bay sports book.  No, this particular bad taste was the $40 I lost betting on the Pats to cover 3.5 points, which should have been turned into $120.  Super Dave already covered that little fiasco, so I won’t detail it any more here…..and I have already created a new motto for Vegas 2010:  No Parlays, No Pats, More F’ing Purple. 

 So, call this week the Ripped-Up Sports book Ticket THH:

College (Snow Bird Edition):

It has been a little cold here in Denver over the last couple of weeks. A snowstorm passed through a while we were on our Vegas vacation and it has been cold enough that there are still some pockets of snow in my backyard – which is pretty strange for Colorado. Anyway, all this cold weather reminded me of what Jimmy said ‘I gotta go where it’s warm’. Since I am not going where it’s warm, I can at least day dream in THH.

Arizona @ Arizona State

SD: It is a well-known secret in the state of Florida that the co-eds at FSU put the co-eds at UF to shame in every way. Is this true in Arizona as well? Does ASU attract the better looking women than UofA or is there equally beautiful women at each? I frankly don’t know, but I am truly interested and open to persuasion from either party. And you know what I mean by persuasion, ladies. I was in Phoenix about a month ago for a meeting and we hit the town a couple nights (yes, a bunch of old men out at the college bars, the women loved us). I will just say that U of A has some work to do. So, just in case U of A can’t compete I will cheer on the Sun Devils.

Turner: This is the battle of nerdy guys who you know got lots of action… Luke Walton vs. Jake Plummer.  Both had probably lots of options and I’m sure their parents provided lots of additional non-prescription (i.e. pot) drugs to make the scene even better.  It sure must have been hard to pick from all those dark tanned, blonde females on campus…… sorry, had to have a moment…….  I have to go with Plummer on this one, many reasons, most notably of which Luke Walton sucks.  He has no skills, was part of team that beat the Nuggies (and I HATE the Lakers) and scored more on campus then he ever will in the NBA.

Shadow: I didn’t manage to bet on either of these teams in Vegas, so I will revert to a more traditional rationale.  The “Territorial Cup”?  Lame.  One school is coached by “Stoops the Lesser”, the other by a coach who can’t decide where he would rather underachieve more…in the pros or in the Pac-10.  Hmmm, that isn’t truly fair, as Dennis Erickson has enjoyed success in several of his coaching stops.  Seriously, though, are there any serious students at ASU?  I am pretty sure the majority of the 69,000+  (he said 69!) are there for one thing, and one thing only….the parties.  How can you hate that?  Go Devils!

Miami @ South Florida

SD: The University of South Florida is in Tampa. Look at a map, there is a lot of Florida south of the campus of South Florida. Couldn’t they have come up with a better name? I know there is already a West Florida (in Pensacola), Central Florida (Orlando), and North Florida (Jacksonville) so South Florida is the logical final school name, but shouldn’t they have located it somewhere a little more…umm, what’s the word…south? That is enough to make me cheer for Miami here. Of course, the University of Miami is actually located in Coral Gables and they play their games in Fort Lauderdale. That whole state is screwed up. No wonder Carl Hiassen finds so much to write about. I will cheer for the Canes, just because I like how they adopted actual hurricane warning flags as one of their symbols. Whatever.

Turner: The battle of a school who came up with “The U” vs. a team that is geographically confused.  Miami doesn’t deserve to be “the U”, that should go to Utah which could be “the U of U”.  Nothing better that getting “Double U’d” (oh – is that then Washington?  -2 fantasy points for a bad joke).  Plus I love the South Florida story, coming from nowhere and is the 2^nd best team in the state almost (sorry SD)….  Go Bulls, your only problem is you need your own stadium, oh – the U doesn’t even have one of those either….  Both teams should lose then.

Shadow: Too easy.  One of these teams cost me no money in Las Vegas.  One of them pissed me off and personally eliminated 3 different parlays.  I am looking at you Hurricanes.  I see last weekend you had no trouble handling Duke.  I hate you. 

NFL:

Much like a bride, this week we are going with a new/old theme for the NFL picks. I guess next week we should go with something borrowed and something blue.

New England @ New Orleans (The New Bowl)

SD: This is the New Bowl for 2 reasons. First because both teams have the word New in their name (duh) but more importantly after years of being jokes they are now 2 of the 3 best teams in the league. Of course, New Orleans is a lot newer to the elite team status than New England. New Orleans is also still in the process of re-newing itself as it crawls out of the bomb crater that was Katrina. Just for that you knew I would be cheering on New Orleans. Get it? Knew? Man, that is good stuff. Sometimes you can’t stop me you can only hope to contain me.

Turner: Please refer to Super Dave’s recap of the 4^th and 2 discussion from last week.  SCREW the Patriots (now and FOREVER) and the combined $200 they owe us.  I hope they lose every game until they send me a check.

Shadow: F*ing Bellicheat.  He owes me $120.

Oakland @ Dallas (The Old Bowl)

SD: The Old Bowl – not only because Al Davis and Jerry Jones are a combined 476 years old (approximate) but because about 30 years ago, this would have been a Super Bowl preview. Today, it matches a team that forgets how to play as soon as the holidays hit versus a team that never even learned how to play. This might be the ugliest game ever played on Thanksgiving if it weren’t for the Lions annual embarrassment. But maybe it is fitting that on a day of traditions, family and nostalgia we get a game pitting two traditionally important teams run by families, nostalgic for better days. It is also fitting because Thanksgivings are almost universally better in theory than practice, just like this game. Give me the Boys here. Remember I am Bronco fan. Just because the Raiders stink, doesn’t mean I am ever going to cheer for them.

Turner: Hard choice here for 2 organizations I have no respect for.  In this case I’m simply going on uniforms.  I’m a fan of the Silver and Black.  One of my favorite childhood memories was watching the Cowboys being forced to wear the unlucky Blue uniforms.  It was great how it was the discussion of every game growing up and listening to all those whiners.  It seems some things never change and that whining is still prevalent within that Organization.  Plus, the label of “America’s team” is about as ridiculous as “the U”.

Shadow: Why was a betting an “over” in a game where one team was QB’d by Jamarcus Russell?  Because I am stupid.  Still….the Raiders/Chiefs were on track after the first half in Vegas to covering the over.  Then both offenses stunk up the second half.  Dallas, on the other hand, were a key factor in my one winning NFL parlay as they predictably came up short in Lambeau.  There were definitely more Cowboy fans in Mandalay Bay than any other team (isn’t this always they way it is?….their bandwagon is only slightly smaller than the new cruise ship debuting this week….and it was fun hearing them cringe every time Tony Romo would throw to Roy “Stone Hands” Williams as the ball would inevitably NOT be caught.  Dallas made me money, so they shall not be hated this week.  Plus, any new reason to hate the Raiders is a good thing.