Twas the day before the day before Christmas and all through the house the heater was blasting because it was freaking cold outside.

I was never good at rhyming.

Is it just me or the holidays always a disappointment now that I am an adult? As a student, even into college, you have a couple weeks off, with at least one coming prior to Christmas to allow you to get all festive.

You spend days getting into brawls with 67 year old women over the 25% Scarves rack.

You pick out and decorate a tree, hang household decoration and wrap presents.

You relax, reading or watching TV with a fire in the fireplace and the lights on the tree.

Your parents blast the worst possible Christmas music for weeks on end.

Each night features a bowl game pitting one school with a direction in its name against a school with a city in its name.

In short, your entire attention is focused on the pending holidays.

Now as a working adult, I force myself to squeeze some rushed shopping between the never-ending work requests that pile up as co-workers and clients try to cram a month’s worth of work into the 3 working days before the end of the year. Forget household decorations.

Today is a holiday for my company, yet I have a list of work to-dos longer than my 9-year old niece’s Christmas Wish List.

Where the holidays used to be my favorite time of the year, now it is something I look forward to all year that inevitably disappoints. It is sort of like the city of London. I idealize it in my mind and then once there, realize it is just really crowded and expensive.

With that bah-humbug, depressing opening, let’s hit the THH for the penultimate NFL weekend.

In honor of happier holidays this week, I am using one of the 3 best Christmas TV specials of my youth to guide who to cheer on in each game.

For the record those 3 are: (1) Twas the Night Before Christmas, (2) Rudolph, the Red Nosed Reindeer and (3) Emmet Otter’s Jug Band Christmas

This time of year, there is only one question to ask yourself: What would Emmet Otter do?

Shadow and Turner are not joining because Turner grew up Amish and is not familiar with the season’s most generous mammal while Shadow regretfully admitted he didn’t like Emmett growing up, which is nearly as shameful as once being a Raiders fan.

But I will forgive him. It is the least I can do this time of year. Because I should be thankful for what I have: family, friends and a washtub with no hole in it.

Giants @ Jets

Obviously Emmet would be cheering on the Giants. First, Emmet loathes greed in all forms. With Rex clearly eating all food in his vicinity and refusing to share while Mark Sanchez nails every hot woman who doesn’t have a souvenir ‘I got hit by Derek Jeter’ baseball, the Jets personify greed. The Giants on the other hand have Eli Manning who is all about the family. If any NFL player would enter a musical contest to try and earn money to buy his mom a Christmas present, it is clearly Eli.

Bucs @ Panthers

One of the songs that Emmet and his pals play is entitled Barbecue and includes the following lyrics:

And your very favorite thing to do

Is get a perty girl dancin’ to jug-band music

And a mess of mama’s barbecue

Barbecue lifts my spirit

I swear that it never fails

And the sauce mama makes just stays there forever

If you dare to get it under your nails

Well you maybe poor with a wolf at your door

But money isn’t everything

You still got your song and a river full of fun

And you’ll always have a song to sing

So get the frown off your face

We’re gonna replace it with a grin and a dream come true

With a perty girl dancin’ to jug-band music

And a mess of mama’s barbecue

Clearly, Emmet would be cheering for Carolina and their messy, sweet, tasty barbecue in this one.

Browns @ Ravens

Emmet, his mom and his mates lost the musical contest to a bunch of lizards, snakes and a bear wearing sunglasses. A group that can’t be trusted and would do anything to make money. Sort of like Art Modell turning his back on the people of Cleveland and moving to Baltimore for a promised new stadium. Emmet, of all beings, can relate to the poor people of Cleveland and would be a proud member of the Dawg Pound this weekend.

Draft week is finally here; real, concrete news out of the NFL that is more about players than lawyers.

I know a bunch of lawyers. The last thing I want is lawyers to be the key players in my sports soap operas.

Strangely it is also the week in which NFL teams become most like politicians – you know – former lawyers that decided to ‘give back’ (i.e. – the power of running a firm full of other lawyers wasn’t enough for their massive egos). No matter what head-scratching moves a team makes in or leading up to the draft, the team will act like they just chose the right goblet from the Grail Knight.

On draft day, Cam Cameron acted like he sincerely believed one-legged Tim Ginn was the missing piece from a Dolphin Super Bowl run.

On draft day, the Forty-Niners convinced themselves Alex Smith was the heir apparent to Steve Young, rather than Jim Druckenmiller.

Draft day, where optimism really does spring eternal.

Of course, that isn’t the case. If history has taught us anything, it is that most of these high draft picks can at best aspire to an NFL career long enough to qualify them for a pension (assuming the NFLPA gets a pension in the coming labor agreement).

But that won’t stop each team from making the heartfelt case that the newest member of the organization will be the one hoisting the Lombardi trophy.

But which players will fail to meet those lofty expectations? I’m so excited for the draft I flew to Charlotte tonight to get the low-down on the first overall pick right from the source. Maybe its a sign, maybe it isn’t, but on the way in from the airport I saw a construction site at least 2 blocks long with a sign reading ‘Future Home of Cecil Newton’s Church That He Really Did Pay For All by Himself’.

Let’s go team by team through the first round and identify the players they should draft. I won’t pretend that I know what these teams will actually do, and have little evidence of teams following my advice (other than my epic guidance for the Jets to draft Mark Sanchez two years ago) but that doesn’t stop me from telling them what they should do.

And by ‘should do’ I mean ‘the draft pick that I think would be most fun for them to take’ not ‘will definitely make them better’.

#1 – Panthers – General consensus is that Cam Newton will be drafted by the Panthers. And who am I to argue. Jimmy Clausen has gotten his last two coaches fired, would you want him to be your franchise QB? Me neither. Some teams are scared off by Newton’s off-field transgressions (felonies, 3 schools in 3 years, transparent auctioning of his skills to the highest bidder), but I think Carolina is uniquely suited to ignore this. Their home state school is led by Butch Davis who has run a clean program once in his coaching career, when he coached the Browns, and we know how that turned out (24-34 record). If willing to hire a perennial cheat like Davis, I would imagine most North Carolinians would almost look with pride at Newton using the transfer payments he received to attend Auburn to help repair his father’s church.

#2 – Broncos – Marcel Dareus fits a glaring need for the Broncos along their defensive line. A glaring need that has been present for so long, it is almost becoming it’s own tradition unlike any other. Beside adding some size and skill to the  Broncos front line, I also like imagining John Fox (who isn’t the youngest coach in the league) and John Elway (who took his fair share of hits to the helmet) trying to keep Marcel Dareus and Darcel McBath straight.

#3 – Bills – You would think that as bad as the Bills have been for years, they would look for a flashy player – a quarterback or receiver to drum up interest among their bi-country fan base. However, they are smart and recognize a team should build from within. Offensive Line and defensive front seven. The Bills are so smart they have have a Harvard man under center! That is why they will grab potential superstar linebacker Von Miller from Texas A&M. Miller could be the best linebacker they have had since Cornelius Bennett played. A player taken when the Bills were led by another Harvard man, Marv Levy. See, with all these Ivy leaguers, the Bills are smart. They aren’t any good at football, but they sure are smart.  

#4 – Bengals – With both Chad Ochocinco Johnson Washedupo and Terrell Owens most likely on their way out of Cincy as soon as the Bengals are allowed to release them, it is important to get Jordan Palmer some help. You can’t go wrong with Julio Jones who looks like he has all the skills to be a star. This is such an obvious pick, that I hear VH1 has already contacted Julio about his own TV series.  I like to think the show is about Julio helping kids that get picked on at the playground to learn to stand up to bullies. Then they can call it ‘Me and Julio Down By the Schoolyard’.  

#5 – Cardinals – The Cardinals went from perennial Super Bowl contenders to the bottom of the worst division in the NFL when Kurt Warner decided he would rather dance on primetime than play for them. After a season of using quarterbacks that wouldn’t be hired to be Adam Sandler’s stunt double in The Longest Yard, the Cardinals need to grab Blaine Gabbert. He is a lock. What could go wrong with the Cardinals drafting a tall, immoble, white quarterback whose last name ends in ‘rt’?

#6 – Browns – AJ Green, the ridiculously talented wide out from Georgia fills a big hole for the Browns. Let’s just hope the Browns have better luck with him than the last WR they drafted known for his one-handed catches in college. Once Braylon Edwards got to Cleveland the only thing he could catch was pity and scorn from LeBron’s hangers-ons.

#7 – Forty-Niners – Unwilling to accept that the Alex Smith era is need of euthanization, the Forty-Niners continue to try and improve their defense to off-set Smith. To put some more skill in front of all-world linebacker Patrick Willis, the Niners should grab Robert Quinn. Sure, he didn’t play last season after taking illegal benefits from agents, but let’s face it, the Forty-Niners haven’t played for most of this decade. Call it a wash.

#8 – Titans – Still looking to replace Albert Haynesworth’s pass rush that jumped at Dan Snyder’s millions years ago, the Titans should reach for Cameron Jordan. Not only will he give them a edge pass rusher, but could open up a whole new population of potential season ticket holders, when frat boys from all over the south buy game tickets after hearing the Titans have acquired Jordan, assuming he is a former sorority girl that has joined the Titans cheerleading squad.  

#9 – Cowboys – There are three things Jerry Jones loves in this world. Meddling with his football team, bringing in players with questionable character and his alma mater Arkansas Razorbacks. I give you the perfect storm of Jones’ incompetence: Ryan Mallett.

#10 – Redskins – The Redskins need help everywhere except quarterback where Rex Grossmann looks to be a perennial Pro Bowler. I see them going for defense – specifically Prince Amukamara. As every Bronco fan remembers, Mike Shanahan has a fetish for drafting cornerbacks. Also, I think of this as tossing a bone to the idiot Birther movement. Just think of the jokes they can make with a guy whose name sounds like African royalty in the same city as President Obama. Those jokes would probably be hilarious. At least to other people dumb enough to be birthers.

#11 – Texans – In the mistaken belief that their offense isn’t a problem, the Texans should look to add more playmakers on defense so this can be the year they finally live up to their annual sleeper contender status. Justin Houston, a linebacker out of Georgia is the perfect fit. 6’3”, 270 pounds with a 4.6 40-yard dash. Plus his last name is Houston! And coming from Georgia he is accustomed to his team failing to meet overblown pre-season expectations.

#12 – Vikings – It looks like it might finally be the end of the Favre era. Let’s all commemorate the falling of an American hero, by pouring our Vicodin out on the curb. Needing a replacement for Favre, the Vikings should turn to Andy Dalton. Sure, there are some concerns his red hair may prevent him from succeeding in the pros, but with the Vikings playing in a dome and Minnesota’s long winters at least we won’t have to worry about Dalton failing because of the sun’s debilitating effects on his fair skin.

#13 – Lions – After just 3 or 4 games, the injury bug impacted Jahvid Best’s rookie campaign for the Lions last year and resurrected concerns about him from college that he can’t stay healthy. If Matt Millen were still in charge he would just go draft Ryan Williams this year despite taking a running back last year. Millen already had experience blowing a draft pick on an overrated Va Tech running back when he took Kevin Jones in 2004. Sigh, I miss Matt Millen.

#14 – Rams – New Rams owner Stan Kroenke wants to make a big splash with his first draft. He wants to make the big-name pick that will draw attention back from the Cardinals and Albert Pujols’ on-going contract drama. Most importantly he wants to help 2^nd year quarterback Sam Bradford. What name makes the most sense to draw excitement to the Rams? If I have said it once, I have said it never, nothing gets fans excited like an offensive lineman from Wisconsin. Gabe Carimi is just the man to get the City by the Arch talking.

#15 – Dolphins – The Dolphins just can’t trust injury-prone Ronnie Brown or mellow-dude Ricky Williams to handle the running game. It is time to start finding young legs to take some of the load. Bruising, consistent Mark Ingram would be the perfect answer but I can’t be the only one thinking that giving Mark Ingram Senior an excuse to visit Miami is a bad idea if we want to win the War On Drugs.

#16 – Jaguars – After years of drafting bustastic wide receivers in the first round, the Jaguars are finally starting to build their defense so that they can still win games, while their perennially mediocre offense sputters along and their fan base continues to shrink. To help both problems, the Jags can draft Jimmy Smith out of CU. Not only will he solidify the Jags’ secondary, but Jags fans can just recycle their old wide receiver Jimmy Smith jerseys and reminisce about the good old days when they were relevant.

We will back to finish out the rest of the first round later this week.

Last night, when I got to my hotel room here in Seattle, the Monday Night Football game had ended and I didn’t want to hear about the Nuggets blowing a 15-point lead to the Suns so I bypassed SportsCenter to watch HBO. The movie It’s Complicated was just starting up.

Now, I have never seen this movie, nor do I have any desire to see this movie, as I am not – I confirmed this – a 50-year old woman. However, thanks to the ubiquity of the commercials and the predictability of the story I don’t need to see the movie, to have seen the movie. You see?

NOTE: If you need a full synopsis or review of the movie, I am sure Shadow can provide one as there is a very good chance he spent a Friday night at his local megaplex contemplating a giant Meryl Streep over his tub of popcorn and Goobers.

I believe the French translation of the title is ‘The Problems of Rich, White People’ so the only surprise was that there was no scene at a Tea Party Rally.

The movie centers on a woman who starts an affair with her ex-husband who had previously left her for some young floozy (conveniently re-capped for the audience in a clichéd scene involving Meryl, 3 of her friends and – predictably – a bottle of white wine). That scene, about 15-20 minutes in, was enough for me. I would rather watch a re-cap of a painful Nuggets loss than another hour plus of this.

If I want to contemplate the various stages of relationships in modern day America, there is a much more enjoyable way to catch a glimpse: watch a football game.

It may be a ‘middle-aged women chatting over a bottle of white wine’ level cliché to describe the relationship between a head coach and his quarterback as a marriage but that doesn’t make it less true.

Looking around the NFL today, every possible relationship can be seen:

There is the relationship where one party is endlessly pining for a long lost love but has instead had to settle for the convenience of the person available now. See: Shanahan/McNabb.

There is a relationship where one person falls head over heels in love with the other and will do anything while the other is just in it for the money or power. As in most of these relationships, when the whipped party doesn’t get enough of their stalker-level love reciprocated, they ultimately lash out. See: Childress/ Favre

Some relationships are still new and exciting: a young couple just starting to grow in their love together: Spagnuolo/ Bradford and McCoy/Mangini.

Some relationships are like an 80’s movie (Teen Wolf, Some Kind of Wonderful) where the male lead doesn’t see that the female best friend is really who they are destined to be with and instead pines for the pretty popular girl. See: McDaniels/Orton

There are the high school couples enjoying their first time – they have never known another relationship, so while their first girlfriend may not be perfect, they stick with it because they don’t know any other options. See: Kubiak/Schaub, Harbaugh/Flacco, Smith/Ryan

Many are just casual flings. Not destined to last. Like a couple put together by an internet algorithm, they may say ‘hey, good enough for now’ but know deep in their hearts that this isn’t their life partner. See: Cutler/Smith, Reid/Vick

Others are just one-night stands. Meeting a specific need at a specific moment: See: Singletary/Smith, Carr, Smith or Sparano/Henne, Pennington, Thigpen, Ramsey

(Wow, Miami hasn’t seen a slut like Sparano since the Jersey Shore cast left town).

And then there is the final group: Life partners. Those lucky few who have found the person they are meant to be with. Their relationship may not always be perfect, but they have found a way to work through any problems without any long term impacts. They are comfortable with each other – the type of couple that can finish each other’s sentences or still hold hands while walking down the street at the age of 75. They complete each other.

The three best examples are, by no coincidence, also three of the most successful relationships in the NFL. Brady/Belichick, Brees/Payton and Tomlin/Roethlisberger.

Do Tom and Bill see eye to eye all the time? Of course not. I am sure Bill didn’t say anything when Tom got a new hair cut and I bet it pains Tom that Bill refuses to go out of the house in anything but a torn up old sweatshirt. But, in the end, they have reached an agreement and understanding.

Anyone that thinks they know how the NFL season is going to play out is a fool. Every week, we get a new ‘best team ever’, so trying to say you know who will be left 3 months from now is lunacy. But if I had to look for a basis to pick a team – the relationship of coach and quarterback seems like a good place to start.

Everything else changes too much.

The NFL: it’s complicated.

It is tough time for THH at the Super Dave Bat Cave this week. After spending 36 hours in transit from India yesterday (and the day before and maybe a little bit of today and just a small piece of tomorrow), I returned, not to a ticker tape parade but instead to piles and piles of work. All of which needs to be completed before heading of to the City of Sins with the THH contingent tomorrow morning.

Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way complaining about my weekend in Vegas. We have only been planning it for 6 months. It is just hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel with your face stuck in the grill of a locomotive.

Anyway, with that, it is time to dive into hatred. We have tried to focus on the biggest college match-ups each week this season but despite this week having some great games we won’t be hitting them. Our allegiances are already clearly defined for these games: either by the teams we love (Oklahoma, Iowa) or the teams we hate (Florida). There is no suspense in these games. Our rooting interests are clear. So instead this week we focus on the obscure and unique.

If this week’s THH were a joke it would have been written by Dennis Miller.

Turner: Honorary Pre-Vegas Edition.  Like my time at the blackjack table, this edition will be short

Shadow: I have Vegas fever…..and I like it!  This week will be an abbreviated return to Hate as I prepare to pack up and ship this Shadow south to hit the glitzy Strip and make me some money at the tables.  I cannot think of a better way to spend a weekend than chilling with Turner, Super Dave, and Lemonster in Sin City putting our hard-earned money where our mouth is and trying to win big.  In honor of the ‘very short’ THH that SD requested, I shall put all my responses in the form of Haiku.

College

Florida Atlantic @ South Florida

SD: I always feel bad for FAU. They share a city and are confused with the oxymoronically named Florida International (last I checked Florida was still in the US. It just feels like Latin America). FAU’s location as implied by their name is only narrowed down to ‘the entire Atlantic coast of Florida’. I am sure in the world before Mapquest, there were poor incoming freshmen who drove the length of I-95 in the state trying to find the school.  Compare that to South Florida, who has gone out of their way to confuse people by not being located very far south yet adding it to the title. That is just rude. At least FAU is factually correct, if not a little vague.

Turner: Atlantic Ocean vs. Gulf of Mexico.  No doubt.  Clearwater and warmer waters win every time. Go Bulls

Shadow:

Bulls are not scary

When Owls swoop in from Boca

Geezer City Rules

Arizona State @ Oregon State

SD: As has been stated many times here I am a Beaver legacy. I have stated it many times for 2 reasons: 1 – it is just a fun sentence to write and 2 – it is true (my dad re-paved the basketball court at the Fiji house in Corvallis, back in the day. Though I am guessing after 40 years it might have needed touching up since). So even though I am heading off to the desert tomorrow and ASU would be the logical pick I can’t turn my back on my roots. Plus, I have sworn that the only parlays I will bet this weekend are the THH parlay (Turner’s, Shadow’s and my favorite teams) and my family parlay (betting all of my family’s alma maters to win: OSU, Mizzou, Wyoming and THE Florida State University). So, for many reasons, expect to hear some guy in an FSU cap to be yelling this in the MGM Sports book on Saturday: “OOOOO SSSSS UUUUUUU Oregon State, fight, fight, fight.”

Turner: Going to Vegas – is the Devils chasing you or are you chasing the Beavers?  Given I’m now 36, balding and fat, I think it is the former so I have to go with Arizona State in this one

Shadow:

I prefer “beavers”

On the Sun Devil coeds,

Not Oregon State.

NFL

Cincinnati @ Cleveland

SD: The battle of Ohio has become a regular stop here in THH-land. Why? Because there is no inherent reason to cheer for one of these teams over the other. It is like the Falklands War of football rivalries. Sure, the involved parties are very invested but the rest of the world pretty much says ‘ehh’. The Bengals have tried to change that; first with Hard Knocks last year and then bringing T.O. to play alongside Ochocinco in a pathetic attempt at gaining some attention in the AFC North. Of course, they weren’t counting on having the quarterback of a rival go all Jame Gumb on the co-eds of Georgia (well played Ben). In their attempt to become the Paris Hilton of football teams (more famous for being famous than actually accomplishing something) they lost something else: their souls. The Browns may be perennial losers but at least they still know who they are. The Larry The Cable Guy of the NFL: dismissed by almost everybody but adored by a small group of blue collar supporters. Their big off-season acquisition was Peyton Hillis: a 3^rd string running back that has turned into a star both in Cleveland and Denver (his previous stop) in no small part thanks to just a whiff of the Hansbrough Effect. Their best player is an offensive lineman. Their quarterbacks include guys named Colt and Jake. This is a real ‘merican team. A team Sarah Palin could love. Well, except for that wide receiver named Mohammed. A team Vince Lombardi could love. Well, besides the whole ‘not being very good’ thing. But this week it’s a team I love.

(I don’t know if that argument even made sense, but I am hoping I at least set some sort of record for football team analogies per sentence)

Turner: gun please……. <silence>  unable to finish this post because I just cut off my fingers thinking of the pain of this game

Shadow:

TO and Ocho,

Ticking timebomb of egos,

The Dawg Pound prevails.

Chicago @ New York Giants

 SD: There might be only one person in football more arrogant and smug than Jay Cutler and that is Mike Martz. Combining their self-importance in Chicago is like crossing the streams in Ghostbusters: nothing good.  You can say many things about Eli Manning (and I have) but out-of-control ego is not one of them. Give me the humble southern boy in the big city over the Stay-Puft Ego Man any day.

Turner: Classic THH Geography Edition.  I HATE NY.  Love you Jay Cutler this week.

Shadow:

Cutler must go down,

Hors d’oeuvres for Umenyiora.

G-Men in a romp.

The clouds have returned to Seattle this week. A fitting metaphor for the beginning of my football season. Losses by the Broncos and Seminoles and a fantasy loss thanks to one of my least favorite quarterbacks (Phillip Rivers) and least favorite teams (Chiefs ) coming together in a perfect storm of suckitude.

The clouds have returned but will the rain follow? Is summer officially done? Will it cool off at home? I am left with questions still unanswered. Also a fitting metaphor for football.

The Seminoles answered several questions with their performance on Saturday (notably: no, the defense is not improved and yes, they still have a chance to win an embarrassingly bad ACC) but the Broncos answered few if any questions.

Who will replace the production of Brandon Marshall (on the field I mean, not in the legal system)? It appears the answer is: anyone and everyone with two arms and two legs.

Was the 30-minute lightening delay a punishment of Jacksonville for not drafting Tebow or punishment of the Broncos for not allowing OLASTT more than 3 plays?

Will the running game come around? Ran for 89 yards and a TD but stirred so little confidence in their head coach that he went out and traded for a busty (but not in a good way) New England Patriot. It says something about Maroney’s production for the Patriots that when I heard about the trade my first instinct was ‘well at least he has cool hair’.

Whose name sounds more like a power forward in the WNBA: Marcedes Lewis or Michael Sims-Walker? Actually this was answered. It’s Sims-Walker. That hyphen is a dead giveaway.

Is the defense improved? They held MJD under 100 yards, the Jags under 300 total yards and weren’t scored upon for the first 29 minutes of the game but ultimately gave up 24 points to a team that could most charitably be described as ‘probably better than the Bills’.

Basically, Bronco nation still doesn’t know what we have. But to look on the bright side: at least we aren’t 49er or Jets fans.

With that, let’s look at this week’s schedule and find some teams to loathe.

Turner: I’m going to write this week’s THH in as many words as FSU scored last weekend OR the number of Bud Lights that Super Dave drank after the game (those are the same number). I apologize for the short-ness of this but a week in Oklahoma, Denver, Philadelphia, Wilmington DE, Knoxville, and then Denver in 5 days has taken its toll on Turner.

Shadow: Hate is healthy.  Hate is good.  Hate is invigorating.  Here are the things I am hating on in this particular week:  strep throat, tomato soup, fevers, Devil Rays, and any infomercial on TV at 2:30 AM (especially the one for the “grill glove”).  Being sick sucks.  Having to work from home isolated from all of your friends, including missing out on a boondoggle with Turner in Delaware sucks.  Only thing that was a benefit of a 104 degree stupor on Sunday afternoon slipping in and out of a fitful sleep was the fact that I didn’t have to personally witness the Broncos come up short in Jacksonville.  It looked painful from the highlights.  Looks like maybe we should run the two minute offense all game.  At least I was conscious to see Iowa pummel Iowa State, while I kept flipping back to ABC to catch up with OU/FSU, and assumed Dave was getting progressively drunker and hatier at me for picking OU.

College

California @ Nevada

SD: This match-up of neighbors reminds me of that phenomenal story from a couple years ago when a Nevada kid decided to just completely make up his own recruitment by big-time football programs. This poor kid has been mocked and ridiculed since his press conference to announce his decision to attend Cal over Oregon, despite neither school ever even hearing of him. I’m not going to pile on because I love this idea. This guy shouldn’t be laughed at, he should be admired. So in honor of Kevin Hart I am going to take this opportunity to announce my new job writing for SI.com. I will be writing a weekly column for Sports Illustrated providing my unique perspective on the world of sports. Please stop by and check it out. The first one should go up just as soon as they tell me how to submit each column for posting. I am sure my email just got lost in someone’s in-box. Also in honor of Hart, I will cheer on Cal here. If they are good enough for him, they are good enough for me.

Turner: I’ve never been a fan of the Golden Bear, I always preferred Tom Watson

Shadow: I have a “road” trip coming up to Vermont this week, so today’s THH will be based around where I would rather drive through.  In California I get the PCH and Napa Valley.  In Nevada all I get is miles and miles of hot, flat, nothingness (kind of like Turner’s ability to pick parlays).  The Golden Bears in a blow-out.

Clemson @Auburn

You could call this the All-Pretentious Bowl (unless you live in either of the states where these schools are located because then odds are decent you have no idea what that word means). Despite both being state schools neither school lays claim to the name of the state in which they are located or the word ‘State’. They apparently feel they are too good to be simply a state school. Either that or the rest of the state wants to disassociate from them and requested that they simply take the name of the city and leave the rest of the state out of it. Either way, I don’t like schools that try to be different – conformity is king. I will go with Auburn here, only because their name has at least a first letter in common with their home state. Auburn, Alabama. Alliteration always!

Turner: Which Tiger do you dislike?  Which Bowden did you dislike?  Is this what happens when twins get separated at birth?  Two words, Charles Barkley.  I named my dog after him.  He is greatness.  Go Auburn, Rammer Jammer Yellowhammer!  (oops, got too excited there)

Shadow: In South Carolina I could cruise through cotton fields, peach orchards, and even hit the beach if I wanted to drive across the state from Clemson…..but from Auburn, I am just a couple of hours south of a bona-fide Super Speedway….Talladega.  Anyone who has seen Stroker Ace or Six Pack or Days of Thunder (or Talladega Nights for you youngsters) has probably wanted to climb into a stock car and turn some laps….and I am no different.  Fly on War Eagle!

NFL

Kansas City @ Cleveland

SD: Hasn’t Cleveland suffered enough? Their favored son gives them a middle finger on national TV. Their Poet Emeritus passes away. The Indians stink. The Browns lost to the Bucs opening week and they have to suffer through an entire season of watching Jake Delhomme throw interceptions. Now Charlie Weis is going to come to town, talk down to them and clean out all of their All-You-Can-Eat buffets? Enough. Please Browns, the suffering must stop. Win this one for Harvey!

Turner: Cleveland Rocks!  This one is all about Colt McCoy and my hate for Texas.  Go Chiefs, specifically Dwayne Bowe – please show up.

Shadow: I have driven through Kansas many, many times.  How can I describe it?  Monotonous is the best word that comes to mind.  At least Nebraska built  a useless arch over part of the highway just to pretend it isn’t the most boring state in the nation.  I have never driven through Ohio, but it doesn’t matter.  There is no way it is worse than Kansas.  Save me a seat in the Dawg Pound.

Jacksonville @ San Diego

SD: Do you realize if this game were being played in 2000 rather than 2010 the Jags would be heavy favorites? Just a short 10 years ago, the Jags were one year removed from being the best team in the AFC and the Chargers were a perennial joke in the AFC West. Also, if this game were being played in 2000, Britney Spears would still be hot, sane and a “virgin”. It has been a long decade. Especially for Britney and the Jags. If this game is played again in 2020 it could be a I-5 rivalry game between the L.A. Jaguars and the Chargers. Also Justin Bieber will be middle-aged, insane and probably still a virgin. But none of that matters today (although it should probably worry Justin a little). Today, the Jags are the worst team in their division and the Chargers are still the Broncos rival so I will cheer on the Jags. Me and their 17 remaining fans.

Turner: Pacific vs. Atlantic.  Give me the soft white sand and the cliffs of La Jolla over the red-neck, dirty beaches of J-Ville.

Shadow: San Diego marks a return to California, but this time we get the South Side of the state.  From the old school missions and more wine country to the fact that you can drive yourself down to Tijuana and pick up some cut-rate little blue pills (since Turner is turning yet another year older on Monday)…San Diego has a lot to offer.  Jacksonville has a lot to offer as well.  I should know, because I had to drive through most of it on my many work trips to our now defunct office.  In the part of town where our office was (and where I drove the most) Jacksonville has a nasty ass strip club every three blocks, most of them with signs promising “Live  ude Girls”.  Seriously.  It is like there was some rampant problem with all the Neon “N”’s in that part of the city.   You can also find alligators on the sides of the roads, and if you are really unlucky you can catch a glimpse of one of their many “pay by the hour” strip motels.  All in all, a classy place.  Some people may think it is unfair that in all other entries I focused on the entire state, but here I am only looking at Jacksonville itself and ignoring all the good that is to be found in the rest of Florida.  To those people I say, “Shut up”.  Jacksonville just put my Broncos in an 0-1 hole.  No way I will say anything good about them.  Let’s go Fighting Kaedings!

This time of year there are two types of articles being written about the NFL draft. The first are by ‘draftologists’, those life-less souls who spend their lives in preparation for those few hours each year where young men are herded into a building and sold into service to rich masters.

Wow, in print that really doesn’t sound like a good thing.

These guys all analyze the draft that has just taken place and announce which teams had the best drafts and which had the worst. These pronouncements being the definitive word on the draft despite not a single draft pick even completing their first offseason workout yet.

Coincidentally most of these experts rank winners based on how the teams drafted relative to the expert’s own prospect rating system. So, if a team thinks like the expert than they are ‘winners’; those that think differently are ‘losers’. That is convenient.

The other articles are written by ‘smarter than you’ sportswriter types pointing that we in fact have no idea who had the best draft and most likely won’t know for several years. These sportswriters all think that this is an original idea and think you are most likely not smart enough to realize this on your own so they dust off this same article year after year while scrounging up more anecdotes to drive this home. 

While I may have more in common with the second group than the first (since let’s face it, my hair is no way near as awesome as Mel Kiper’s and I do think I am much smarter than you), I am skipping both of these approaches.

Instead, let’s look at something that may actually have some basis in reality today.

Which draft prospects have the most pressure riding on them today?

Draft picks are not all created equal. Even picks near each other are not the same. A quarterback deemed ‘franchise savior’ has more pressure than an interior lineman even if drafted behind him.

So, who from the 2010 NFL draft will be shown in a montage before the first pre-season game while Billy Joel plays over them?

- Sam Bradford (Rams): It goes without saying that a quarterback drafted number one overall draft has tremendous pressure to do well, but that won’t stop me from saying it anyway. All of Rams Nation looks at Bradford as the savior to step in and resurrect their franchise. Adding even more pressure all of Cherokee Nation looks to Sam as role model to aspire to. Frankly, Cherokee nation might apply more pressure. After the last few years of ineptitude has decimated the population of Rams nation worse than the Trail of Tears.

- Trent Williams (Redskins) and Russell Okung (Seahawks): Both top six picks drafted by new head coaches to protect aging quarterbacks. Both of these coaches have made a lot of offseason moves to improve their team and let their fan bases dream of the playoffs but it all hinges on these guys stepping in from day one and keeping their QBs upright. As the opening sequence from The Blind Side proved in gruesome detail, when an aging quarterback can’t get out of the way of a rusher the results can be pretty revolting. And I am not just talking about Sandra Bullock’s fake southern accent.

- Tyson Alualu (Jaguars): Normally a defensive lineman for Jaguars wouldn’t be a high pressure position because a defensive lineman can rarely be successful by himself and…well, he is playing in Jacksonville, so who cares? But the Jags passed over local messiah Tim Tebow and drafted a player all of the experts agreed could be drafted much, much later. Basically, every time David Garrard throws an interception or the other team scores a touchdown there will be at least a portion of the Jags fans that blame Alualu. Out of the 17 Jags fans that exist I would guess at least 11 of them would blame Alualu – that is pressure!

- Maurkice Pouncey (Steelers): The next time quarterback Ben Roethlisberger is found with his hands on someone else’s butt it better be on new center Pouncey’s. That is a lot to ask of a rookie.

- Dez Bryant (Cowboys): After years of lamenting their lack of skill at the wide receiver as being the one thing keeping them from winning the NFC, the Cowboys bring in Bryant who was already under a microscope for being suspended after lying to the NCAA about his relationship with Deion Sanders. So, not only does Bryant need to prove he is mature enough to play in the NFL, he also needs to find a way to keep Tony Romo from going all heimlichy in every important game. He is only human people!

- Tim Tebow (Broncos): Already the fastest selling rookie jersey in history, not only does Tebow carry the burden of proving every draft expert wrong about his pro prospects but he also will decide Josh McDaniels’ fate as Broncos head coach. Tebow fails and McDaniels is gone: it is that simple. Beyond the pressure from the team there is also pressure from the evangelical community to prove that a squeaky clean virgin can be a successful NFL quarterback. Of course many of these people also idolize Sarah Palin and think Obama was born in Kenya, so they shouldn’t be too hard to impress. A shiny ball of foil might do the trick.

- Jimmy Clausen (Panthers): Clausen comes to the Panthers needing to prove that he isn’t the massive d-bag that everyone thinks he is. He also needs to prove that a quarterback from Notre Dame can be successful in the pros without resorting to jumping in the Hot Tub Time Machine and traveling back to 1986. On the bright side, after Panthers fans spent last year watching Jake Delhomme, as long as Clausen isn’t throwing to the other team as much as he does to his own receivers, he will be loved in Carolina. 

- Colt McCoy (Browns): Poor Colt McCoy. Despite several opportunities for both the Forty-Niners and Seahawks (two teams in need of a new quarterback whether they recognize it or not) to draft him, they passed on Colt and he fell to the quarterback cemetery better known as Cleveland. I feel bad for him. No quarterback has been successful in Cleveland since Bernie Kosar. And now Bernie seems like he is drunk all the time. All of the northern Ohio area is going to put pressure on Colt….ahh, who am I kidding. Following in the footsteps of Tim Couch, Brady Quinn and this year’s starter Jake Delhomme, if Colt can even get his pants on the right way, he will be a hero in Cleveland.

Especially once they meet his fiancée.