This time of year there are two types of articles being written about the NFL draft. The first are by ‘draftologists’, those life-less souls who spend their lives in preparation for those few hours each year where young men are herded into a building and sold into service to rich masters.

Wow, in print that really doesn’t sound like a good thing.

These guys all analyze the draft that has just taken place and announce which teams had the best drafts and which had the worst. These pronouncements being the definitive word on the draft despite not a single draft pick even completing their first offseason workout yet.

Coincidentally most of these experts rank winners based on how the teams drafted relative to the expert’s own prospect rating system. So, if a team thinks like the expert than they are ‘winners’; those that think differently are ‘losers’. That is convenient.

The other articles are written by ‘smarter than you’ sportswriter types pointing that we in fact have no idea who had the best draft and most likely won’t know for several years. These sportswriters all think that this is an original idea and think you are most likely not smart enough to realize this on your own so they dust off this same article year after year while scrounging up more anecdotes to drive this home. 

While I may have more in common with the second group than the first (since let’s face it, my hair is no way near as awesome as Mel Kiper’s and I do think I am much smarter than you), I am skipping both of these approaches.

Instead, let’s look at something that may actually have some basis in reality today.

Which draft prospects have the most pressure riding on them today?

Draft picks are not all created equal. Even picks near each other are not the same. A quarterback deemed ‘franchise savior’ has more pressure than an interior lineman even if drafted behind him.

So, who from the 2010 NFL draft will be shown in a montage before the first pre-season game while Billy Joel plays over them?

- Sam Bradford (Rams): It goes without saying that a quarterback drafted number one overall draft has tremendous pressure to do well, but that won’t stop me from saying it anyway. All of Rams Nation looks at Bradford as the savior to step in and resurrect their franchise. Adding even more pressure all of Cherokee Nation looks to Sam as role model to aspire to. Frankly, Cherokee nation might apply more pressure. After the last few years of ineptitude has decimated the population of Rams nation worse than the Trail of Tears.

- Trent Williams (Redskins) and Russell Okung (Seahawks): Both top six picks drafted by new head coaches to protect aging quarterbacks. Both of these coaches have made a lot of offseason moves to improve their team and let their fan bases dream of the playoffs but it all hinges on these guys stepping in from day one and keeping their QBs upright. As the opening sequence from The Blind Side proved in gruesome detail, when an aging quarterback can’t get out of the way of a rusher the results can be pretty revolting. And I am not just talking about Sandra Bullock’s fake southern accent.

- Tyson Alualu (Jaguars): Normally a defensive lineman for Jaguars wouldn’t be a high pressure position because a defensive lineman can rarely be successful by himself and…well, he is playing in Jacksonville, so who cares? But the Jags passed over local messiah Tim Tebow and drafted a player all of the experts agreed could be drafted much, much later. Basically, every time David Garrard throws an interception or the other team scores a touchdown there will be at least a portion of the Jags fans that blame Alualu. Out of the 17 Jags fans that exist I would guess at least 11 of them would blame Alualu – that is pressure!

- Maurkice Pouncey (Steelers): The next time quarterback Ben Roethlisberger is found with his hands on someone else’s butt it better be on new center Pouncey’s. That is a lot to ask of a rookie.

- Dez Bryant (Cowboys): After years of lamenting their lack of skill at the wide receiver as being the one thing keeping them from winning the NFC, the Cowboys bring in Bryant who was already under a microscope for being suspended after lying to the NCAA about his relationship with Deion Sanders. So, not only does Bryant need to prove he is mature enough to play in the NFL, he also needs to find a way to keep Tony Romo from going all heimlichy in every important game. He is only human people!

- Tim Tebow (Broncos): Already the fastest selling rookie jersey in history, not only does Tebow carry the burden of proving every draft expert wrong about his pro prospects but he also will decide Josh McDaniels’ fate as Broncos head coach. Tebow fails and McDaniels is gone: it is that simple. Beyond the pressure from the team there is also pressure from the evangelical community to prove that a squeaky clean virgin can be a successful NFL quarterback. Of course many of these people also idolize Sarah Palin and think Obama was born in Kenya, so they shouldn’t be too hard to impress. A shiny ball of foil might do the trick.

- Jimmy Clausen (Panthers): Clausen comes to the Panthers needing to prove that he isn’t the massive d-bag that everyone thinks he is. He also needs to prove that a quarterback from Notre Dame can be successful in the pros without resorting to jumping in the Hot Tub Time Machine and traveling back to 1986. On the bright side, after Panthers fans spent last year watching Jake Delhomme, as long as Clausen isn’t throwing to the other team as much as he does to his own receivers, he will be loved in Carolina. 

- Colt McCoy (Browns): Poor Colt McCoy. Despite several opportunities for both the Forty-Niners and Seahawks (two teams in need of a new quarterback whether they recognize it or not) to draft him, they passed on Colt and he fell to the quarterback cemetery better known as Cleveland. I feel bad for him. No quarterback has been successful in Cleveland since Bernie Kosar. And now Bernie seems like he is drunk all the time. All of the northern Ohio area is going to put pressure on Colt….ahh, who am I kidding. Following in the footsteps of Tim Couch, Brady Quinn and this year’s starter Jake Delhomme, if Colt can even get his pants on the right way, he will be a hero in Cleveland.

Especially once they meet his fiancée.

After months of pretending to get our NFL fix by following the human equivalent of the Westminster Dog Show known as the NFL Combine and the movements of free agents deemed too old, too crazy or too expensive by their previous employers we have finally reached the crown jewel of the NFL offseason: the NFL Draft. Out with the past, and in with the future. There are endless educated guesses out there on who each team will draft but who should all these teams draft? Thankfully, your dutiful analyst here at PFB has scoured the scouting services and waded through Mel Kiper’s hairline to determine who each team should target, if for no other reason than our entertainment.

AFC East

New England Patriots – With the loss of Ben Watson to Cleveland the Patriots have a need at tight end (I know, I can’t believe losing Ben Watson would cause anything but joy in Foxbrough but it is what it is). In steps Ron Gronkowski out of Arizona. Whether he succeeds on the field or not, he can at least act as a guardian to long-lost cousin kicker Stephen Gostkowski, reducing the number of wedgies and swirlies inflicted this year by that bully Tom Brady.

New York Jets – The Jets need to find some offensive help for their second year quarterback and overpowering defense. They have gone out on the free agent market and gotten wide receivers and running backs, so they should use the draft to go get a tight end. How about Dennis Pitta out of BYU? Last year, the Jets made the millions of latino fans in New York happy with the drafting of Mark Sanchez. This year they can make millions of Greek and middle eastern fans happy by loading up on Pitta. 

Miami Dolphins – This offseason, the Dolphins lost linebacker, non-stop talker, cheap-shot artist and drunk driver Joey Porter to the Arizona Cardinals. Drafting Brandon Spikes, he of the linebacker playing, eye-gouging, teammate deifying career at Florida will help address the loss of many of Porter’s doucheiest qualities.

Buffalo Bills – Last year, the Bills played a home game in Toronto to expand their fan base beyond western New York and into Canada. If they can’t put a competitive team on the field, this is their best chance at remaining relevant. Drafting Dan LeFevour, a quarterback out of Central Michigan not only addresses one of their biggest needs but may also bring millions of new Canadian fans to the Bills bandwagon when they get confused and assume he is on loan from playing winger for the Maple Leafs.

AFC North

Pittsburgh Steelers – Last year after Troy Polamalu was lost to injury, the Steelers showed a great weakness in the secondary. Drafting Joe Haden, the cornerback out of Florida will help reduce the dependence on Troy’s hair. Plus after years in Gainesville, Haden knows quite well how to deal with a quarterback with a god complex.

Cleveland Browns – Three years ago, the Browns drafted golden boy Brady Quinn out of Notre Dame to address their quarterback needs. This year they can draft Golden Tate out of Notre Dame to address their wide receiver needs. I mean it can’t work out any worse than last time right?

Cincinnati Bengals – Needing another weapon for Carson Palmer, the Bengals should take Jermaine Gresham, who provides the added bonus of sounding like the best-selling legal novel author around. If the Bengals can’t get players that actually understand the law they can at least get players that sound like they do.

Baltimore Ravens – Still looking for players to help out Joe Flacco, the Ravens should roll the dice on Dez Bryant. Sure, there are some questions marks around Dez – especially about his lying to the NCAA and questionable work ethic but if there is anyone that will take a stab at motivating a young player it is Ray Lewis.

AFC South

Indianapolis Colts – Coming off a Super Bowl in which they were torched by Drew Brees, the Colts need to address their inability to put pressure on the quarterback. Jason Pierre Paul out of South Florida can help that need as well as taking the pressure off Pierre Garcon of being the only Pierre on the roster.

Tennessee Titans – With Lendale White becoming ineffective without tequila in his blood it is time to look for a new complement to take some of the load off of Chris Johnson. Not only does Toby Gerhart provide the short yardage power, and leading blocking ability, but can you imagine the nicknames that could be formed for a small black running back and large white running back tandem? Chocolate Lightning and White Thunder? Ebony and Ivory? The I-Spy Backfield? Tennessee Vice? I could do this all day.

Jacksonville Jaguars – Much has been made this offseason of the Jaguars drafting the best player out of nearby University of Florida to help drive interest in the team and improve their anemic offense. I fully endorse this approach and expect Maurkice Pouncey to make the short trip up from Gainesville to Jacksonville.

Houston Texans – The Texans are the ‘Almost’ team. Every year they almost make the playoffs. Matt Schaub has stats almost as good as the best in the league and he almost makes it through the season uninjured. Steven Slaton can make it almost all the way through the game without fumbling. Andre Johnson almost gets the credit he deserves for being the best wide receiver in the game. Thus the Texans should draft Joe McKnight – the USC running back almost as good as his predecessor Reggie Bush who the Texans almost drafted 4 years ago.

AFC West

San Diego Chargers – In a tough offseason for the Bolts, they lost their top running back in LaDainian Tomlinson, a back-up quarterback in Charlie Whitehurst, outrageous child production in Antonio Cromartie and a player known to disappear in big games (Tomlinson again). Clearly they need to sign Travis Henry to address the running and child production needs while drafting Colt McCoy for the back-up quarterback and ‘disappearing in big game’ gaps.

Oakland Raiders – There is little doubt the Raiders will draft Bruce Campbell, the Maryland offensive lineman who is a physical specimen that impressed at the NFL Combine with incredible speed and strength after a completely mundane college career. Really his only chance of success in the NFL is if his hand is still possessed like it was back in Evil Dead 2.

Denver Broncos – The Broncos have a lot of needs. They are looking for linebackers, offensive linemen, receivers and (possibly) a long term solution at quarterback. But there is another position that has been vacated with the trades of Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall over the last two offseasons: unhappy whiner who quits on his team. The Broncos can’t go into the season without at least one on their roster so don’t be surprised to hear the name “Mike Williams” announced at some point with the Broncos on the clock.

Kansas City Chiefs – The Chiefs are still trying to improve their offense but while the acquisition of Thomas Jones to split carries with Jamal Charles should help, their defense still has holes. Targeting Sean Weatherspoon, the linebacker out of Missouri helps out a defense ranked 31^st against the run last year. Plus he is one of the few players in the draft that would know Kansas City is actually located in Missouri not Kansas. That could be huge when trying to find the stadium for that first game.

In the NFL, ‘gun slinger’ is a term of endearment for a quarterback with a strong arm that tends to throw high risk, high reward passes. Of course, these quarterbacks are polarizing to their teams and fans. They can be heroes if they complete the miracle pass or can be goats if their mistakes cost them the game.

They can also be loathed by their teams and fans if the same out of control egos and selfish confidence makes them believe they are more important their team.

NOTE: I’m really not trying to make this a personal attack on Jay Cutler and Brett Favre, really I am not, it just seems that way.

Anyway, thanks to the presence of Cutler and Favre, the NFC North is the unquestioned Gunslinging capital of the NFL. However, that doesn’t mean it is the only division that would have fit in well wearing black back in the old west.

While Favre and Cutler’s antics may antagonize fans and teammates, they at least keep their crimes limited to the world of football.

With two Pittsburgh Steelers facing legal trouble this spring, and another Brown getting arrested it is official; the AFC North is the least law-abiding division of the NFL. The NFL’s real outlaw division.

Every single team in the AFC North has had players with run-ins with the law:

Ravens: Officially Ray Lewis never stabbed a guy with a knife outside of an Atlanta night club. Also, officially Lewis quit being an elite linebacker a couple years ago. However as the saying goes ‘perception is reality’. The same rationale that lets announcers continue to label Ray one of the best in the game, is the same rationale that I can use to say Ray, at a minimum, was an accomplice to a man’s death.

Bengals: I don’t have the time, energy or page count to list all of the crimes committed by the Orange and Black Gang over the years. Let’s just say, if your last name isn’t Palmer and you play for the Bengals, you probably have an arrest record in Hamilton County. And I can say that only because I am choosing to ignore that Jordan Palmer stole a roster spot from a more deserving player.

Browns: Just last week, Shaun Rogers was arrested for ‘accidentally’ trying to bring a loaded gun on a plane. Last year, Braylon Edwards got himself banished to Elba (I mean New Jersey) for punching a friend of the Akron Hammer. Former Browns wide receiver (and now Raven) Donte Stallworth killed a man while driving impaired in Miami last year. Apparently after seeing the Bengals turn around their play and make the playoffs this year after a multi-year crime spree, the Browns are trying to follow the same game plan. Unfortunately that plan doesn’t take into account the crime against humanity that has been the Browns quarterback play for the last decade.

Steelers: Big Ben appears to be about to escape charges after being accused of a second sexual assault in two years. Santonio Holmes appears to be about to be cleared of assault charges from some sort of bar room encounter. Unfortunately he also faces a suspension for substance abuse, coming after years of being relatively open about his pot use (first sign you shouldn’t ever use Twitter: Tweeting about ‘waking and baking’). So, Santonio has a problem putting down the pipe while Big Ben has a problem turning away dumb young women throwing themselves at him (that is the half-glass full view of what happened). The Steelers may be considered the model franchise thanks to great owners and a smart coach but they sure draft some dumb players.

In the midst of the free agent / pre-draft season it only makes sense to look at some players that based on their extra-curricular activities would be good fits to join the AFC North:

- Brandon Marshall – Chad Ochocinco lobbied for T.O. to join him in Cincinnati. That hasn’t happened yet but with Marshall’s legal troubles over the years he would fit in well in the Bengal locker room. Plus he has spent the last few years making passes from Kyle Orton and Jay Cutler look catchable. Even Jordan Palmer would look like he belongs on an NFL roster with B-Marsh around.

- Marshawn Lynch – Traveling with a gun? Hit and Run? If Marshawn isn’t a natural fit in Cleveland than I don’t know anything about building an NFL team.  

- Ronnie Brown – DUI arrest in Georgia? Clearly Brown needs to sign with the Steelers. If he played in the black and gold he would have just taken a couple pictures with the officers when they pulled him over before being let go.

- Any Florida Gator outside of Saint Tebow– a team of 20+ offseason arrests last year – if you are looking for a division where strict adherence to the law is optional, the AFC North is for you.

Wait, why am I trying to get more criminals together? I think this is how the Colombian drug cartels got started. And we all know how journalists challenging those cartels end up.

Maybe it is time to call witness protection.

Just call me Mediocre Dan.

You’ll not see nothing like the Mighty Quinn

Bob Dylan (as recorded by Manfred Mann)

 My first indication that something happened last night was an email from the Shadow blaming me. He saw my inflammatory Notre Dame article as the karmic fuel that last night sent Brady Quinn to the Broncos for ‘Tyler Hanbrough effect’ fan favorite Peyton Hillis and a couple future late round draft picks.

So do I feel guilty about possibly being the cause of this trade?

No, because it is a great trade for the Broncos.

I am not the biggest fan of Quinn. I have maintained since his Golden Domer days that Quinn was a mediocre quarterback who relied on bigger, stronger wide receivers to get open and make him look good. However, let’s face it. He was in a no-win situation in Cleveland, which come to think of it, is really the only situation in Cleveland.

He was surrounded by little talent, both on the field and in the coaches’ offices. He was going into his fourth season under coaches Romeo Crennel and Eric Mangini, two rotted limbs that fell off the Belichick coaching tree and have shown no leadership ability since leaving Bill’s womb that doesn’t involve crying uncle to the NFL that the other team is cheating.

Quinn’s best receiver in Cleveland was either stone-hands Braylon Edwards or rookie Mohamed Massaquoi who was only an average receiver catching passes from Matthew Stafford in the run oriented SEC.

By the way – apparently the brass at the Browns doesn’t read PFB. I can’t be the only one that sees Jake Delhomme starting for the Browns as the worst idea since someone asked Sarah Palin to write a book. Playing against better defenses with worse talent around him? Someone get Vegas on the line. Whatever the Over/Under is on number of interceptions for Delhomme next year, I will take the over.

Will Quinn come into Dove Valley, blow away the coaches and take over the starting role from Kyle Orton? Probably not. Will he be a better back-up than Chris Simms? We can only hope. If he finally gets the apprenticeship denied him in Cleveland and learns from a quality quarterback coach and quarterback that has started (and won) for several years than he can only get better.

Even if Quinn demonstrates that his ceiling as an NFL player is to be Steve Beuerlein, a mostly career back-up that can start in the pinch and is on occasion traded to a team convinced he can start , than Quinn will be a success for the Broncos.

The best thing about this trade is that the Broncos gave up nearly zero for him. Despite the constant pleading of the fan base, Hillis was never going to see significant playing time for McDaniels. Even as the running game faltered late last season, Hillis remained on the bench.

While the fans calling for Hillis to play seemed to have an unspoken (maybe even unconscious) reason for wanting to see Peyton play, McDaniels likewise had an unspoken reason for not playing him.

Whatever the reason, Hillis was never going to be a factor in the Broncos backfield. Whether his one good game as a rookie warranted an opportunity or not, can be debated forever.

After Hillis all the Broncos gave up was a 6^th round pick and a conditional pick. Yes, the 6^th round is special to Bronco fans, thanks to the gift from god named Terrell Davis; but since T.D. descended from heaven to play for the Broncos, the 6^th round has brought players like Greg Eslinger, Chris Myers, Traindos Luke, Josh Sewell and Aaron Hunt. The best players drafted by the Broncos in the 6^th round since 2001 are Jeb Putzier and Spencer Larson.

Whether Quinn comes in to hold a clip board or ends up taking Orton’s job under center, I would much rather have him than someone with as much of an impact as those guys.

So blame me if you want. My only response will be:

You are welcome.

In some ways today is very different from the world in 2004.

In 2004, a huge budget science-fiction movie won the Oscar for best picture as well as 10 other Oscars. This year, a similar film lost in practically every category that matters.

In 2004, the last Oldsmobile was manufactured thanks in large part to GM’s inability to compete with the Japanese auto companies. This year, one of those Japanese companies can’t figure out how to keep their cars from running out of control.

In 2004, the Boston Red Sox was everyone’s sentimental favorite, lovable loser baseball team. This year, they are an underperforming, overpaid team with the most obnoxious fan-base in the country.

In 2004, Ronald Reagan died. This year, he was resurrected by Ron Howard and Jim Carrey.

But in one way, 2004 and 2010 are very similar. Jake Delhomme, LaDainian Tomlinson and Terrell Owens are three of the biggest stories in the NFL.

Three former super stars well beyond their playing primes are some of the marquee names still available in the NFL free agency. In 2004, every team would have vied for the services of the best running back, (possibly) the best wide receiver and one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL. Today, all three are greeted with the deafening sound of silence.

Today LT visited the Vikings and may be off to the Jets tomorrow. Delhomme’s name has been mentioned in connection with Cleveland. At the other end of Ohio, T.O. just departed Cincinnati and left such an outstanding impression that the Bengals immediately went out and signed Antonio Bryant whose ceiling as a player is as a less consistent Braylon Edwards.

In case you have forgotten – that isn’t good.  

So, where should each of these veterans end up?

Tomlinson

Current Interested teams: The Vikings and Jets are both looking at LT to replace the departed Chester Taylor and Thomas Jones respectively. Which is sort of like trading in your Hyundai Sonata for a Hummer. Sure the Sonata isn’t flashy or exciting but it is generally dependable. The Hummer was really cool several years ago but is now just a relic that needs constant attention.

If LT was replaced as a third down back by Darren Sproles in San Diego, I am not sure I understand the rationale of moving him into that role in Minnesota or New York. LT’s strength is getting in the end zone: he isn’t explosive anymore and doesn’t make people miss in the open field. Do you know what the strengths of both Adrian Peterson and Shonn Greene are? Getting in the end zone and the tough extra yard. Plus they maintain explosive ability and can make people miss. How does LT help either of these teams?

Where he should go: LT’s weakness is speed and explosiveness and an ability to break the big play. Doesn’t it make sense to pair him with someone that can do that but can’t take the play to play pounding? How about in Philly with LeSean McCoy? LT can take some of the hits absorbed by Brian Westbrook last year.

My personal favorite idea though is to move him to Chicago. Matt Forte is a nice quick running back that can catch the ball but last year demonstrated he isn’t ready to be an every down back. LT can come in and take the short yardage runs that stuffed Forte last year. Plus LT and Jay Cutler can share notes on how big of an a-hole Phillip Rivers is.

Delhomme

Current Interested Teams: Jake has visited Cleveland in the wake of Derek Anderson’s less than magnanimous exit. Derek made Jay Cutler’s whining and moaning exit last year from Denver look almost humble and appreciative. There have also been rumors that the Cardinals have debated bringing in Jake as a competitor or back-up to Matt Leinart, which is ironic given that it was the Cardinals in the playoffs over a year ago that picked off Jake 5 times and turned him into the quarterbacking equivalent of Charles Barkley on the golf course.

While thematically, I can understand why the Cardinals might be interested in Jake (just like Kurt Warner: picking up a formerly successful quarterback that has fallen on hard times in his last couple years), it is in the details that makes this scary. Warner was successful because of his accuracy. Jake’s accuracy is about as good as Rip Torn driving home after a night at the bar.

The idea of Jake trying to complete passes to the receiving corps in Cleveland is also absolutely frightening. If he can’t complete passes to some of the best receivers in the game (Steve Smith, for example) what would he do with the Browns contingent? Not to mention how his fragile mental state would handle boos reigning down from the Dawg Pound. If the Cardinals turned him into Charles Barkley as a golfer, the Browns could send him all the way to becoming Charles Barkley behind the wheel of a car.

Where he should go: Really Jake’s only value now is as a calming presence on the bench for a young QB entrenched as a starter that can in a worst case scenario come in and hand the ball off. How about Detroit? Their back-up last year was Daunte Culpepper. That might be the only position in the league where Jake is a step-up. Even on his worst day.

Owens

Current Interested Teams: With the Bengals signing Bryant and the Ravens nabbing Anquan Boldin and re-signing Derrick Mason there aren’t teams immediately on the horizon with an interest in T.O. Hard to believe that people aren’t beating down the door of a 36-year old, temperamental wide receiver with a history of calling out his quarterback and greatly overestimating his own abilities.

Where he should go: Isn’t it obvious? T.O. needs a coach that is not afraid of players with bad attitudes or players that are past their prime that have been given up for dead by their current teams. T.O. should definitely be the prime candidate for the Bill Romanowski memorial locker in Mike Shanahan’s Redskins locker room. If having a 6^th offensive coordinator doesn’t destroy Jason Campbell’s confidence, T.O. berating him and Shanahan drafting a rookie back-up to back him up should do it.

In 2004, we re-elected George W. Bush.

Could sending T.O. to D.C. today really end up any worse?

It is Thursday evening, 9:41 pm MT. Right now, Florida State is probably losing once again on national television (the last score I heard was 14-3). Unfortunately, I have not watched a moment of the game  so I cannot provide my typical deep insights this week to explain their latest (presumed) failure, other than to guess that their defense is only slightly more effective than a 14 year old condom left out in the sun. Prior to boarding, the airport was inexplicably showing Game 5 of the ALCS, having no idea that baseball is a dead sport, no more relevant in today’s sporting landscape than wall scaling (an actual sport from the early part of the last century in which the Super-grandmother was apparently pretty good – see 1912 here).

(UPDATE: Florida State, after falling behind 24-6 rallied for an improbable 30-27 win. Their first win in a month. Maybe I should get on a plane for every one of their games. All bitterness below is completely unwarranted.)

Any sport that makes the decision to have its most important games start later and last longer than its regular games, all but ensuring that today’s ADD riddled, video game addicted children won’t care, deserves to evolve into the 5^th major sport (hate to tell you, but soccer is here to stay and is going to do nothing but grow).

Anyway, in this particularly spiteful moment, in which my flight was delayed and my team is (most likely) getting clobbered again, I bring you this week’s Hierarchy of Hate. Could I hold more hate for these teams than I do for the team formerly known as the Seminoles? Probably not, but as the true professional that I pretend to be, I will soldier on.

Turner and Shadow are back with us this week. Turner is still struggling to come to terms with his Sooner’s new-found mediocre-ness. Being a few steps ahead of him on the 12-step program I am mentoring him.  

Shadow is back to gloat over the success of all of his teams. In a related note, I found someone to hate more than the Noles.

Turner: Well folks, we are at 3-3 for the mighty-less Sooners.  Life was good for a bit on Saturday as OU pretty much dominated the game but like all crappy teams do, they found a way to blow it.  It is ok, because after the first game of the season against BYU, the national championship died and now officially the Big XII title is dead.  Stress is officially off which good except for the fact that it is slowly migrating to the Denver Broncos who I would have bet a LOT of money to get massacred at San Diego.  I think I might be officially on the bandwagon.  Between that and Crabtree showing up to camp, the NFL now has my attention. This was a great week in football visits for Turner.  Had the pleasure of going to the Mecca of Memorial Stadium in Lincoln, NE (site of a future OU loss) and the Blue-turf of Boise.  So many memories (mostly bad) of teams that OU consistently has failed against (damn fumble-ruski and Eric Crouch throw-back pass)…… so with that, I’m glad I’m back to the party with the undefeated Shadow and Super Dave (the man who generously sold me 2 tickets to the Broncos – Pats game at a 40% mark-up… some friend)….

Category is emotional moment that made me cry..…..

Shadow: All the teams I care about are still undefeated and we are a week away from Halloween.  I never would have imagined that would be the case.  The Yanks can wrap up a trip to the Fall Classic with a win tonight over the Halos.  It has been a very good fall for teams of the Shadow. 

 This week’s random Hatred involves anagrams.  The Shadow loves anagrams.  Using the school name and mascot (or city and mascot), whichever team produces the least interesting anagram will be scorned and hated this week while I am hopefully watching Iowa win again on the road at Michigan State and not being stressed about the Broncos since they have a bye.

College:

Louisville @ Cincinnati

SD: You have to love a battle between schools in neighboring states, separated by a few miles and a river. This is sort of like the Red River Shootout without the national title implications (sorry, Bearcats, it’s fun and all but you can go undefeated and still not make the BCS title game – most likely due to the Big East being slightly less competitive than the Mountain West), future pros and less chewing tobacco. Actually, strike that, maybe it is just a different type of chewing tobacco. What I love most about this rivalry, is that it goes beyond state vs. state. This one is city vs. city. Kind of like a bad action movie sequel  – this time it is personal. I get the feeling that Louisville is probably named after either a former monarch somewhere or some dude named Louis whose covered wagon broke down there. Cincinnati on the other hand comes from a Roman guy who left his rural home to become a dictator for a time. Might as well call it Cheney-atti. That is creativity at its finest. Creativity at its worst, is adding cinnamon and chocolate to chili, but despite that, I will cheer on the Bearcats.

Turner: Louisville takes this one…. The story of the father who marched his son around the field so he could be part of the Cardinal Marching band….. wow, still brings me to tears whenever I see the espn clip..  That is dedication and love.   Cincy – well, you had Kenyon Martin so you don’t qualify for anything positive.    Give me the Cardinal

 Shadow: Ill Cadaver Illusions vs. Inert Cannabis Cacti.  Hmmm.  This one is a toughie.  I think I will take the Wacky Weed over the Dead Body.  Go Cacti!  I mean Bearcats!

Texas A&M @ Texas Tech

SD: Or as I like to call it: ‘The Not-the-Longhorns Bowl’. Remember when these teams were actually relevant? For Texas Tech that was just last year. For Texas A&M that was last millennium. Those were good times. This one all comes down to unofficial mascots. For A&M we have a collie which has absolutely nothing to do with being an ‘Aggie’. The Red Raiders have adopted the persona of their odd head coach Mike Leach and taken on a whole pirate thing. At least an SAT question could be fashioned to link Red Raiders and Pirates. Lassie and the Aggies? You got me. Go TTU.

Turner: Here we have the sad memory of the bonfire tragedy or the story of the Red Raider horse go crashing into the wall in the football stadium and killing itself.  At the time, I was very anti-A&M and their stupid traditions.  That dead dog that watches over the scoreboard outside their stadium, them pulling their swords on the SMU cheerleader who walked across their end-zone but the bonfire is actually quite impressive and it was a sad day when that happened despite the stupidity of the situation… I actually cried.   Now the horse story, I hate to say it but after being pummeled by tortillas all game during and SMU / Tech contest, I had really no sympathy for this event.  The Sooner Schooner fell over against the buffs in ’93 and that was sad but at least we didn’t run our horses into a wall…..  Go Border Collies

Shadow: Game Gasses Taxi vs. Excretes Haired Darts.  No one is a fan of flatulent footballers, and excreting darts would be an excellent party trick.  I go with Tech.

NFL:

Green Bay @ Cleveland

SD: “I’ll take ‘Two Cities where I don’t want to spend February’ for $200 Alex”. Having spent just the barest amount of time in both these cities, I feel fairly well qualified to pass judgment. Imagine in your mind, an endless sprawling suburban strip mall set along side a cold lake, with one large ancient looking football stadium set down in the middle of it. You have now been to Green Bay. Now, imagine a long uninterrupted string of renovated and rundown warehouses – some with bars, some with lofts and some with bums squatting in them – set alongside a cold lake with a large rock and roll museum and two new looking stadiums interspersed among them. You have now been to Cleveland. What sounds better to you? Yeah me too. Go Browns.

Turner: This involves actual games… Steve Young to Terrell Owens on the 42 yd pass play to beat the Packs vs. THE DRIVE.  Sad part is that I actually cried with joy and went berserk over that win.  At the time of the drive I was just a bit too young to understand that it was ok to destroy your personal property when celebrating the victory so with this one, I’ll have to go with the Cheeseheads

Shadow: Enrage By Sack Rep  vs. Verb Laden Clowns  I found yet another reason to hate Green Bay…..their name is freaking hard to anagram.  Plus I like thinking of Mangini as a Verb Laden Clown.  Look for the Dogpound gang to take this one.

New Orleans @ Miami

SD: What a shift from the previous match-up. Two cities where you can have lots of fun, get in lots of trouble and not develop hypothermia if you get in the adjoining body of water. South Beach or the French Quarter? Models working on their tans or drunk, southern belles earning beads? Really, either of these locations is a win-win-win (win-win, just didn’t seem adequate) but I will side with New Orleans. While Miami is fun, I just don’t bring enough of the ‘guido’ factor to ever feel completely comfortable there. On the other hand, a button up shirt, dirty white hat and what Clay Travis calls Bama Bangs is really all you need to feel at home in the Big Easy. That is my kind of town. A nice Café Du Monde beignet might even make me feel better about my Noles.

Turner: Hurricane Katrina vs. Hurricane Andrew.   Unfortunately no brainer here.  While Andrew was terrifying, but nothing will ever top Katrina in my lifetime I think…. For that alone, I hope the Saints can pull through this year (unless they play the Broncos in the Big Game!)

So there it is, never know when that next magical or horrific moment will occur…. It even might be when Sam Bradford learns to throw left-handed and wins the Heisman next year!

Shadow: Learns We No Ass Nit  vs. Impish Man Idol (barely squeaked it out over “His Limp Domain”).   I think the entire league would agree that the Saints are no longer anything resembling a parasitic insect on the rear end of the NFL.  Miami on the other hand….oh Miami.  I can’t take any team seriously that starts Chad Henne.  They might as well just run the Wildcat all day long with Brown and White.  Look for the Saints to remain undefeated.