I created this week’s THH theme a couple days ago before events far beyond the football field made it become even more appropriate.

I am not an Apple junkie. I have never owned an Apple computer. I don’t own an iPad; only partially because it sounds like a tampon from a Will Smith movie. I have never owned an iPhone but have owned nearly all of its smart phone competitors – from a Treo to 2 separate Windows phones to my current Droid. I do own an iPod (as if there is an alternative music player) but it is about 5 years old and holds no more than a gigabyte of music.

But even if those of us that don’t light candles on the Genius Bar must acknowledge Steve Jobs. In an era where businesses focus on cutting costs and strive to be the 2^nd entrant to a market (after the leader has taken the arrows from the locals), Jobs focused Apple not on making products to compete. He created objects to change the game.

While Apple products aren’t necessarily the most perfectly developed (see: the 437 versions of iPhones released) or technologically advanced, they can all be described with one descriptor.

They are all elegantly simple.

Jobs’ genius didn’t lay in inventing new products – his genius lay in taking existing products and making them simpler to use and nicer to look at. You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but you can tell an Apple product by its casing.

As the world becomes flat, China takes over the international markets like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man in Ghostbusters and companies are literally shipping their innovation to the cheapest offshore location, it was always nice to know that out there on the picturesque peninsula south of San Francisco, Jobs wasn’t just trying to cut costs, he was trying to find ways to improve our lives while becoming obscenely rich – truly the American dream.

I was certainly not Jobs’ ideal customer – I have no desire to sleep on the sidewalk for the opportunity to spend $600 on the newest technological gadget – but I still tip my hat to a man who may be the last in the line of true American iconoclastic inventors that started with Thomas Edison.

I like to think that Steve would appreciate this week’s THH. We are looking at 8 teams whose name is anything but Apple-esque. Where simplicity counts for everything, the convoluted naming convention would be banished. While Steve and his compatriots may have hated all of these teams, our task today is to find the even more disagreeable.

Fittingly accompanied by ‘You’ by TV on the Radio – played on my iPod.

Shadow: I must be getting old.   Used to be able to stay up all night playing Final Fantasy VII, sleep for 2.5 hours, drink some Mountain Dew and be right back at it.  Now…you just give me a couple of 16 hour days in a conference room filled with the combined funk of 30 variable bodies rotating in and out over the course of the day mixed with the lingering aroma from haphazardly consumed takeout meals and I am done in.  Physically and mentally drained.  But not too tired to turn in a THH entry for the week.

Theme: Teams with location-confusing names. Which team has better rationale for using a confusing name

College (State schools but named after cities)

Boise State v Fresno State

SD: Some people hate people from a different ethnic groups, countries or class of society. There are people that even hate a different region or state in their own country (though in defense most of those people hate Texas, which totally makes sense). I don’t have those problems, I focus my hate on a different group: State schools whose name is based on the city where they are located. This is not ancient Greece, filled with City-States. This is America. And in America there is no state named Boise. No state named Fresno. Those are cities inside states. No wonder our kids are so bad at Geography. Schools of higher learning don’t even know the difference between a city and a state, so how can we expect a 5th grader to know the capital city of the state of North Dakota (Bismarck – and I didn’t even google it). However, in this match-up of dysfunctional teams, I will side with Fresno. Setting asides Fresno State’s slightly odd obsession with the valley where it is located, at least California has other cities. In a state as big and diverse as California, the residents of Fresno probably do feel like their own little state. Outside of potato farms, ski resorts and bi-curious Senators what does Idaho have outside of Boise? Boise is Idaho. Quit trying to be uppity and differentiate yourselves from the rest of your state Broncos.

Shadow: We all know that both Turner and I have spent loads of time in the town with the Smurf turf.  It’s also kind of an important city in the state, what with it being the capital and all.  All of these could be reasons to justify its use of ‘State’…but you have forgotten one thing.  And, that one thing is this:  www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_dSjQ1qKrw   It may be a city in the middle of the California nowhere….but if someone goes to the trouble of classifying a “Fresno State of Mind”….that school wins.

Pittsburgh v Rutgers

SD: Pitt has done such a fine job of disassociating itself from its state that I actually thought Pittsburgh was a private school like the University of Denver or the University of Miami until I started researching this theme. Beyond a grudging admiration for the cloaking done by the Panthers I will go with them here for the same reason I went with Fresno. At least there are other cities and schools in Pennsylvania. Rutgers is THE state university of New Jersey – yet doesn’t seem to want to admit it. You hear the name of the river it sits next to more often than the state where it resides. Take pride in your state Rutgers. Just because New Jersey is the Jan Brady between New York’s Marsha (for its attractions and self regard) and Pennsylvania’s Cindy (for holding some promise but getting lost in the shuffle with the rest of the family), doesn’t mean you can’t take pride in your particular place in this world. You don’t see pro teams based in New Jersey pretending they aren’t form there, do yo…..oh. Nevermind.

Shadow: It is kind of hard to compete with the likes of a Penn or a Penn State.  While Pitt toils in the shadows of its bigger brethren in the state, with possibly a bit of an inferiority complex, what real choice did Jersey have?  Do any of these names roll off your tongue:  New Jersey State University?  UofNJ?  They were screwed.  Inability to create an acceptable sounding acronym is clear rationale for just naming your school for a war hero and calling it good.

NFL (Teams not named after the city/state where they are located)

Arizona @ Minnesota

SD: Marketing firms and focus groups were the end of good sports team names. Where once political incorrectness (Redskins), regional pride (Cowboys) and out-of-control egotism (Browns) created team names, as time went on names were chosen to maximize their appeal to as broad a customer base as possible. Team colors are chosen that resonate with specially selected focus group participants (i.e. the only people dumb enough or having so little else going on that they are willing to join a focus group) and we end up with 4 new teams with teal or purple as primary colors in a 5 year stretch (Marlins, Rockies, Jaguars, Panthers, Diamondbacks). But nowhere is this more prevalent than the choosing of a state name rather than a city. Hoping to build loyalty throughout their home states we get the Colorado Rockies – who have yet to play a game in Grand Junction – and the Florida Marlins, who play an 9 hour drive from some Florida residents. We also get the Minnesota Vikings and Arizona Cardinals. I pick the Vikings here. I suspect, given the twin-cities where they are based, that the Vikings chose ‘Minnesota’ so as not to have to pick between Minneapolis and St. Paul or, worse, the ungodly hyphenate Minneapolis-St. Paul Vikings. However Arizona has no excuse but the cult of inclusiveness. The oldest Arizona based professional team – the Suns  – has survived being identified with a single city and still garners the most ardent fans in the state. I say that isn’t a coincidence.

Shadow: Why bother limiting yourself to a single city when you can try and endear yourself to an entire state?  But let’s look a little closer and see these corrected names.  The Phoenix Cardinals versus the Minneapolis Vikings.  On the one hand, we have two birds (all right, one is mythical).  That is kind of like a double negative.  On the other hand, we are mishmashing Native American, Greek, and the Norse.  Exactly which demographic are you going for there?  In the end, we will side with Minnesota, since we are pretty sure the Cardinals ownership will do anything for a buck…and would eventually rename the team the University of Phoenix Cardinals, and confuse people everywhere into wondering why a college team is playing in the NFL.

NY Jets @ New England

SD: What is better: out-right falsehood or ambiguity to the point of uselessness? If you asked a foreigner to drive to the home stadium for each of these teams without a map, how long would it take him? He could spend days driving all over New York state. He could spend a week driving through all of the states that make up New England. The odds of him stumbling across the New York Jets in New Jersey and the New England Patriots in Foxborough, Massachusetts are pretty slim. While both of these names bother me, I guess I have to begrudgingly go with the Patriots. At least their name is true. New England isn’t very specific or helpful, but at least it isn’t out-right deception.

Shadow: The Patriots…..in true Bellicheat fashion, aren’t even satisfied with a state, they are going to claim a whole freaking region of the country.  Both the Jets and the Giants share the same sin of housing themselves across the river…but let’s be serious, have you seen the tax rate in New York?  I can’t really blame them.  Normally I would have expected myself to be using the word gluttony to describe Rex Ryan literally shutting down a Fogo De Chao….but in this case, I just can’t support the Pats pretending to represent 17 different states (that statement may be exaggerated).

Coming into the 2011 college football season, it doesn’t feels like we are facing the dawn of a new season. Rather, it feels like we are emerging from our debris covered shelters into a post-apocalyptic world.

After an off-season filled with controversy; teams being busted breaking every rule in the book and schools flirting with new conferences like a divorcee out at Applebee’s on a Thursday night, the college football world isn’t the same one we left last January. Where buildings with flashy neon signs that said THE Ohio State University and THE U once stood, are now piles of rubble.

But like the obligatory rose growing from the rubble that is a less then subtle metaphor for hope in apocalypse films, college football too has moments that remind us why we love college football so much.

They are called Saturdays.

So with Saturdays about to kick off, it is time to make my bold and almost guaranteed to be entirely wrong, season predictions. And this year, just like ESPN scripted it, the college football success comes down to one thing.

It is all about the quarterbacks.

For me to even consider a team as a national title contender, a team needs to have a proven quarterback.

Last year, Florida and Texas started the season as top five teams. Coming off BCS bowl appearances, a number of starters returning and rosters filled with highly recruited kids coming out high school, it was just assumed they could pick up right where they had left off the year before when they combined for 2 losses.

Instead they combined for 12 losses.

What was the difference? New quarterbacks.

It was just assumed that with the coaches and talent around them, John Brantley and Garrett Gilbert could pick up where Tim Tebow and Colt McCoy had left off.

But a fancy pedigree doesn’t guarantee success. UF and UT last year aren’t the only examples of course. Matt Leinart took USC to 2 straight national title games. His followers, John David Booty, Mark Sanchez and Matt Barkley have never even sniffed a BCS title game.

Applying this lesson automatically eliminates several traditional national title contenders.

Sorry Alabama, time to go poison another tree in defeat.

Tough luck Ohio State, your tattoos this year will need frowny-faces.

Too bad Virginia Tech, another BCS bowl and we would have tried to learn what a Hokie is.

Arkansas, it was fun. Call us when Bobby Petrino abandons you mid-season or Jerry Jones buys you a championship.

With this logic, I envisioned LSU making the national championship game, given the NCAA’s new by-law that states a National title game must always involve a SEC team, but now that Jordan Jefferson tapped his inner-Garo Yapremian during a bar brawl a couple weeks ago, there are just too many open questions.

So which teams are left that fit the mold?

Oklahoma has Landry Jones, his moustache and virginity back but also a (hopefully – crossing fingers – knocking wood) tough game in Tallahassee in a couple weeks and then what appears to be a weakened Big Twelve to navigate.

Oregon should have clear sailing to the BCS title game, if they can get by LSU this weekend and Stanford later in the season. A huge if. Nothing is scarier than a Christmas tree mascot and 50,000 IT nerds spending halftime day-dreaming of becoming the next Mark Zuckerberg.

Stanford has to get by Oregon. Which is infinitely harder given the number of uniforms Oregon wears. They always say visualization is a key game preparation. How is someone supposed to visualize beating the Ducks, when they don’t know what they will look like? Are you at a distinct disadvantage if you envisioned the Ducks in white and they come out in neon green? I say yes. Andrew Luck will just have to console himself with the Heisman Trophy they are already engraving for him.

Boise State would seem poised to be in the perfect spot to finally crack the BCS title game crystal ceiling. Kellen Moore returns; they have one last year of the junior varsity schedule of the WAC. Their toughest game is against perennially overrated Georgia on opening weekend. Unfortunately for BSU, there is about 0% chance that pollsters and athletic directors will allow them to steal the money from a less-deserving BCS conference team.

Florida State has a sort of returning QB in EJ Manual, who has the physical tools to be the next Cam Newton (with fewer felonies). But after getting so badly out-coached by Bob Stoops last season, will the Noles prepare for last year’s OU game plan only to be surprised by another new wrinkle? If so, will I momentarily contemplate stabbing Josh Heupel in the kidneys for being single-handedly responsible for several of my worst moments as a FSU fan? The answer to one of these questions is yes.

The Noles also have to go Gainesville, and if Charlie Weis and Will Muschamp haven’t come to blows by then, it will be a tough game. The Noles will also have to navigate their inevitable road ACC game no-show (prime candidates: at Clemson the week after OU and the Thursday night game at Boston College). While every game is winnable, the Noles have beaten the optimist out of me over the last decade, so I will assume they come up short at least once or twice.

Oregon and Oklahoma may both lose once, but pollsters have proven over and over again, that if you are ranked at the top of the polls at the beginning of the season you are given every opportunity to stay there.

Having seen Bob Stoops coach BCS games, I can’t in good conscience pick an OU title (sorry, Turner), so it says here that the Oregon Ducks will win the national title, and Phil Knight will immediately commission 11 different versions of the national title trophy – with each trotted out before a different game next season.

Let’s just hope it doesn’t come down to a ref botching an onside kick call this time.

For years I have half-jokingly suggested that football is my religion.

When you grow in the Elway-era city of Denver you get baptized early in the Broncos faith. Saturdays would be spent watching the option attacks of Oklahoma and Nebraska steam-roll everyone (other than Miami of course) and then Sundays were set aside for Dick Enberg and Merlin Olsen sermonizing about the Broncos. Steve Sewell, the Three Amigos, Sammy Winder, Dennis Smith, Karl Mecklenberg and Steve Watson were my apostles.

After my own football career ended on a frozen field shouting distance from Folsom Field in Boulder one dark, numb night in November 1992, I converted my football faith to the Seminoles. I never left the Broncos but like one of those new-agers that isn’t sure if they should worship Ganesh or Buddha so they worship both, the Seminoles joined the Broncos on my personal Mount Olympus.

Today, my Sunday morning ritual involves the scripture of the Denver Post sports section and then some confessional time with my fantasy team.

But this year feels a little different.

For some reason my 2010 football season has been defined by religion. And not in the “Please lord, let the FSU kicker make this field goal” kind of way.

It started all the way back in the spring, when my Broncos traded up to draft the youngest son of God. Suddenly there was a belief that even if he can’t complete a dump-off pass to the tail back, he will at least bring HIM to the side of the Broncos.

Then in the first month of the season, I ended up going to India. On my one day playing tourist there we visited a temple in the heart of Hyderabad. I made an offering to a God and received holy water in return.

Finally, this week while in San Jose for work I ended up in the same hotel as the Dalai Lama. Beyond making me realize not a single one of my friends is capable of speaking of the Dalai Lama without quoting Caddyshack, it almost made me think about our weekly exercise here.

Why should I hate? Shouldn’t I love? Regardless of the jerseys they are wearing these young men are sacrificing for me and you.  Even if just for our entertainment, it is still a sacrifice for us.

Should we really hate? Shouldn’t we instead love and appreciate each and every person playing the game we love?

What am I doing with my life? Isn’t there a higher reason for my time on this earth than to simply watch and make fun of an ultimately meaningless game?

How can I tell you to hate any of these teams, when I love the game they play? I shouldn’t be happy when both UF and Miami lose on Friday and the both the Chargers and Chiefs lose on Sunday. I should just say thanks….

Ahh, screw it. Hate is part of what makes the world go round. And if anyone in the world understands hate it is the very religions whose followers twist their messages to fuel hatred of people different themselves.

Besides I am pretty sure that holy water in India made me sick.

Shadow: After my typical long hangover from Vegas weekend, I confidently return to the land of hate.  It helps that I am currently sitting in a hotel room in Lincoln on the Thursday before a huge home game.  The hotel is full of out-of-town Husker and Longhorn fans.  Hard to decide which is worse.  They say that Memorial Stadium on game days is the 3^rd largest city in Nebraska.  I am not sure who “they” are, but I do know that “I” do not need useless trivia like that banging around my head.  I need all the room I can get for random Seinfeld references, images of puppies (not the 4-legged variety), and blackjack strategy.  (Blackjack strategy tip #741:  Do not bet $150 when the dealer is going to have Blackjack)

Ok, in the spirit of the confessional, I have something I must admit. As you may have noticed it has been a little tough to get both Turner and Shadow to participate in our weekly fun here. Well, there is a good reason for that: they are actually the same person. For the longest time, he was willing to write 2 separate THHs each week but lately has not.

At least this explains one thing I am sure none of you could ever understand: how the Shadow chose to root for OU in the OU/FSU game.

 College

Boise State @ San Jose State

SD: We have gone literal with our college match-ups this week. Each match-up features teams whose naming conventions are similar but also relatively unique. Here we have schools that start their name with their home city and then paradoxically follow it with the phrase ‘State University’. I will side Boise in this one because, let’s face it, Boise pretty much is the state of Idaho (sorry Mark Schlereth). What else is there outside of Boise? Jake Plummer’s Handball court? Well, Jake Plummer’s Handball Court State University sounds even more ridiculous than Boise State.

Shadow: SD said there was some sort of magic easily discerned link between these games.  I have seen this movie before, and it doesn’t end well.  It ends with SD arguing with me and Turner about what constitutes “easily discerned links”.  So I refuse to play his reindeer game and will not hazard a guess at the link.

Seeing as how I am travelling to Boise next Wednesday, and will be bombarded with unhealthy doses of Bronco adoration, I am preemptively hating on Boise State this weekend.  As much as I would like to see the BCS busted, BSU fans are kind of starting to be really, really annoying.  I know people say it’s not their fault their schedule only has a couple of tough games on it…but I can’t help but think, like many others, that this team would not survive a major conference schedule unscathed each year.

UTEP @ UAB

SD: For this alphabet soup matchup we have schools that try to differentiate themselves from their top ranked football factory neighbors (ok, maybe not top ranked this year) by adding their specific home city to the rest of the state school name. I am cheering on UTEP here because when pronounced U-tep always makes me think of some long lost Indian tribe roaming the hills of Northern Mexico. U-ab just sounds like the only college in America that would accept The Situation as a student. This joke brought to you by Jay Leno.

Shadow: Come on, this one is a gimme.  In a week when the Chilean miners are rescued from their mine (and with a nod to the Sklar Brothers…they had to be banking some massive OT on that endeavor), there is no way you can’t be with UTEP in this game.  The Blazers don’t stand a chance.

NFL

Dallas @ Minnesota

SD: I am calling this the Over/Under bowl. Not as some sort of shout out to my recent time in Vegas. Instead it is because both of these quarterbacks are overrated and overexposed (in the literal and figurative sense). They just aren’t worthy of the time spent discussing them. On the other side you have two of the most underwhelming head coaches in the NFL. I will cheer on the Cowboys because they have been uncharacteristically under the radar this year. Plus Wade Phillips seems like a nice enough guy – someone who could end up playing Santa in the mall when he gets canned later this season. Brad Childress looks like the kind of guy that no one wants near a large group of children.

Shadow: The best part of this game is that one of these teams will be 1-4.  Who do I hate more?  Self-professed America’s team with their QB who can’t win the important games, or the Vikings with their QB who needed to retire 3 years ago, and who has now not only destroyed some of his football legacy by hanging on too long, but also has destroyed some of his good-guy-family-man image with his attempted fling with Sterger’s puppies.  Brett- if you had retired to your Hattiesburg farm when you should have, you would be a revered gunslinger who rode off into the sunset.  Now you are simply a caricature, and not a very interesting one at that.  I can’t believe I am actually going to have to pull for the Cowboys…..but I guess that is what THH is all about.

Miami @ Green Bay

SD: Years ago this could have been a match-up of arguably the 2 greatest quarterbacks in NFL history: Dan Marino and Brett Favre. I say arguably because I have had this argument many, many times. Though I make the argument John Elway’s combination of wins and stats makes him the greatest, there is an argument made by others that Dan Marino is the greatest of all time because of his stats. That was until Favre passed all of his records. Now, I guess if you have been on the Marino bandwagon for all of these years, you have to switch to Favre. Of course when I posed this to life-long Dolphins fan and Marino partisan Doug, he pointed out 2 things. Marino wouldn’t have thrown that pick-6 to end the game at the Jets. And Sterger totally would have reciprocated if Marino made the moves on her. He has a point. How could a woman turn down a nice pair of Isotoners? In honor of that – go Dolphins.

Shadow: Favre’s replacement in GB is having no problems filling the shoes he reluctantly left behind.  I actually find myself watching Packer games and pulling for them a little (especially when I have money on them….grrr….thanks for not covering against the Detroit Kittens).  Costing me money beside the point, nothing GB could do would be enough to overcome my hate for a particular Dolphin who’s name rhymes with Randon Arshall.  As happy as I am that the Broncos passing attack is still as healthy as it ever was….I do have to wonder what could be if B-Marsh hadn’t gotten his panties in a bunch and whined his way out of the Mile High City.  As long as he is a member of the Dolphins….I will hate that franchise.  Go Pack!

A few short hours ago the college football season started again. Every player slept last night with visions of an undefeated, Boise State–esque run dancing through their minds. For the vast, vast majority of them that dream will come crashing down harder than Vincent Chase in this coming weekend’s Entourage. Even, ironically enough Boise State themselves. For half of the teams that undefeated season will actually end this weekend.

This weekend always feel like we are almost cheating – that we don’t deserve football already. It isn’t even Labor Day – the unofficial end of summer. There is no NFL yet we have a full slate of college games. Maybe that is why I am so forgiving of college teams having a creampuff game this weekend. Since it almost shouldn’t count anyway, why not start with an easier game? The older professionals that have been working together all spring and summer get 4 warm-up games, why shouldn’t a team made up of players that may not have even met until just a few weeks ago?

Or maybe I am just feeling charitable since I have been without college football since January.

Anyway, with the return of college football we are back with our first official Hierarchy of Hate for this football season. With no pros playing, we have a shortened schedule of picks here as well and with only a few decent games our pickings were a little slim. I don’t care who Turner and Peffer are cheering for in the riveting South Dakota-Central Florida game, so why should you? Although if either of them compared each of the faces on Mt. Rushmore to the most similar Disney character, it might have made it worthwhile. For the record, I would go with: Washington = Mickey, Lincoln = Goofy, Jefferson = Pluto and Roosevelt = Donald. But that is just me.

Turner: The year officially begins on Thursday night although New Year’s Day is really Saturday.  Call it the start of the fiscal year (losing money to stupid bets and Vegas odds) or turning another year older, football season is when the year officially starts.  With that, there is no better way to prepare for this New Year than with the first official edition of the Hatred (THH) List.  Before we go into this week’s picks, did anyone realize that Super Dave and Kirk Herbstreit are on the same the Ohio State bandwagon.   It has made me nauseous a bit reading that last post but I want you to realize that he is NEVER right, so the fact that we can almost guarantee that OSU and/or Texas will now fail this year makes me happy.  Not sure if this is subconscious on his part or if he really believes.  I hope for his mental state it is the former.  If it is the latter, and it comes true, then Tebow save us all.

Peffer: As an astute SuperDave pointed out this afternoon (possibly also prompted by Sportguy’s near constant adulation on Twitter) today is 9-02-10.  For those of us who were in our teens or early 20′s in the early 90′s a certain FOX show about a pair of fraternal twins from Minnesota trying to blend in with the rich and pretty folks at West Beverly High was the very definition of “Must See TV”, long before NBC ever coined that phrase.  Despite all of the principal actors being much older than the characters they were playing, it was refreshing to find a show that focused on our demographic and brought to light the types of problems we faced (disclaimer:  I never lost my virginity to a brooding millionaire, exposed a steroid scandal on the school track team, or tried to stalk any group as horribly uncool as “Color Me Badd”).  In all honesty, however, this show did have a major cultural impact on my generation, and despite the fact that it hung on about 5 seasons too long (what show in the 90′s didn’t?), those first 4 seasons hold many good memories for me.  In honor of the day, I am dedicating my THH to Brandon, Brenda, Dylan, Kelly, and the gang, with each team represented by a cast member.

LSU @ North Carolina

SD: Not really ‘at’ North Carolina as this is the annual season kick-off bloodbath from the Georgia Dome. I think the SEC uses this game to distract the country from the rest of the conference’s abysmal non-conference schedules – to brainwash pollsters to always believe teams like Tennessee, Georgia and South Carolina should be mentioned when talking about a team’s strength of schedule. Does the SEC really need more help in the PR department right now? First, we have the AD from Texas A&M say that his team isn’t good enough to play in the SEC, and now we are going to follow it two days later with a middle-of-the-pack SEC team decimating one of the higher profile ACC teams. Sure, UNC is overrated every year, their coach has never won anything yet is lumped in the category of ‘great college coaches’ and they could be playing without several starters (thanks to, ironically, SEC player-like behavior from them) but that won’t change the fact that the SEC will once again plant a flag in pollsters minds that they are the best conference in the land. I always laughed at those idiots that chant ‘SEC, SEC’ at games but with a country of Manchurian pollsters out there, I guess it is time to fight fire with fire…I mean fight stupid cheers with stupid cheers. ACC! ACC! ACC!

Turner: North Carolina better have a plan when it puts its JV squad out for this game since many of their freshmen took their talents to South Beach this summer.  Who do you hate more, the evil empire of the U vs the in-state hatred of Okie State?  Have to pull the rank on the hatred of the U for the era of Jimmy Johnson and yet, Butch Davis.  Les Miles was never a blip on the radar except for his flirtation with Michigan (why did they want him that much – so overrated, though probably better than Richy Rod and his complete adherence to NCAA rules).  If your resume has The U and Cleveland though, I just can’t support your team.  You have to be that hated team this week.  Geaux Tigers.

Peffer: LSU @ North Carolina:  Dylan Mckay vs. Jim Walsh.   If you have ever seen Death Valley (aka Tiger Stadium) on a hot and humid Saturday night, then you will know it is the perfect football representation of 90210′s resident bad boy.  Jim Walsh rocks the keyboard, raises his eyebrows alot, and is a perfect match for a UNC school that for all intents and purposes, will always just be a basketball school.  Dylan and Jim had some epic fights over one Brenda Walsh, and yet, in the end, they grew to respect each other.  I think this contest will be a little closer than people suspect, and North Carolina will also earn the respect of LSU.  In the end though, you have to go with the Young Turk, and the LSU Tigers.

Washington @ BYU

SD; Writing this from deep in the heart of Husky country, you would think I am overly biased in this game but that didn’t stop freshman QB and Sammamish, WA native Jake Heaps from spurning the Huskies to go to Provo. Now his first collegiate game could be a win over the local team he stiff-armed. Just the luck of Seattle sports fans. Actually that isn’t true. With the Seattle sport fans’ recent luck it would happen the same day that Tim Lincecum throw a no-hitter versus the Mariners, the former Seattle SuperSonics sign LeBron James, Charlie Whitehurst is named starter for the Seahawks and Apple buys Microsoft. But Heaps beating “The Sasquatch” Jake Locker would be bad enough. For my people, I must cheer on the purple and gold.

Turner: The Tebow lovefest of 2010 starts on Saturday with Mr. Locker.  Super Dave is in love, it is very cute to watch him curl up with his College Football previews like most guys cuddle up to their new edition of Maxim.  This love fest will spill over to the nation except for the Mormon world.  The Huskies with their fluffy, shedding dog are certainly lovable.  BYU is on the hated list this year for many of the reasons that that Nebraska was voted to the hated list last week from an overall national perspective.    Is the Mormon nation seceding from the Union circa Texas in the 1800’s.  I think we should just let them go join the CFL, especially since the majority of their players are over 26.  I don’t understand their independent stance and seceding from the union.  I do look forward to their ability to show up on the Mormon Entertainment  Network (MEN) because it will at least be something better than the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas concert in July. Washington dominates this hatred battle in a roll-over, however they might end up going home lovable losers from a point spread staindpoint.

Peffer: Andrea Zuckerman vs. Donna Martin.   These two are setup to be diametrically opposed in one department (brains) and similar in another (purity), but from the get go, Andrea seems hell-bent on getting any guy (but most hopefully Brandon) to notice and then deflower her, while Donna clings to her V-card with almost as much zeal as Saint Tebow.  Washington wants people to believe it is pure, but we all remember the slime filled regime of one Rick Neuheisal.  BYU on the other hand, has been holding it’s head high and promoting the clean and pure lifestyle for a long, long time.  I still can’t figure out how Jim McMahon survived 4 years at that school without getting kicked out for honor code violations.  I think most of us can relate to David Silver’s long suffering plight in pursuit of Donna’s goods….just not right.  I’ll go with the brainy chick who got herself knocked up and had to drop out of college.  Go Huskies!

Boise State @ Virginia Tech

SD: The marquee match-up of the week involves the states of Idaho and Virginia. No that isn’t a typo, I looked it up and it’s actually true. In a game being played in the nation’s capital, it feels like politics should help decide this one, but do I really want to compare a Senator who played footsie in an airport bathroom stall to another that used derogatory, racial term for a staffer of his opponent? If that doesn’t sum up why politics is depressing I don’t know what does. Oh wait. Speaking of politics, I forgot Idaho’s most famous native politician. Well I didn’t forget her, I just wish she would go away long enough for me to give it a try. Well, that changes everything now doesn’t it? Hokie-hokie-hi all the way

Turner: Kill me now.  End the BSU hype and not make the Hokies the next over-rated team to get rolled over by Georgia Tech later this year.  The fact that the winner of this game will turn into a National Championship contender makes me puke just a bit.  With that said, since this is about the rest of the year and the need to win a little side bet I have with two individual writers of the blog and I’m completely equal on my hatred of these two schools, I must hate the Broncos more.  Why – because I need a free meal, and BSU losing and falling in the poll will help feed my P90X stomach.

 ** Side Bar Editorial: I was in Lincoln on Wed when they announced the Big 10 conference break-out and 2011 and 2012 Conference Schedule.  It was somewhat enjoyable to watch the entire Husker nation deflate when they look at their schedule of Penn St., OSU, Iowa, Michigan, Wisconsin plus their non-conference.  Why the fear?  I’d rather play a bunch of mediocre teams then face the task of having to lose to at least OU or Texas every year and no chance to win the conference.  Husker nation is terrified of the big slow guys from around this country and it started yesterday.  They assigned Penn St and the Husker’s Rivalry game.  Surprise they didn’t buy their way to get Indiana on that list with all that research money they are getting to investigate the conception of Grubs on wheat stalks.

Peffer: Silver vs. Brandon Walsh.  Boise State wants respect.  They want to have a seat at the adult’s table.  They want to be part of the ‘cool’ kids (i.e. the BCS conference giants).  Same could be said of David Silver.  He started out as a stereotypical nerdy character who just wanted to be part of the gang but worked hard over the course of the series to win the respect of the popular kids and eventually be part of the gang.  BSU is slowly gaining the respect of the nation by continuing to schedule at least one tough non-conference game and always holding serve with their conference games.  Could this be their year?  Brandon, and by extension, Va Tech, have been through just about every conceivable questionable situation:  alcohol abuse, drunk driving, and gambling most notable for Brandon and the illicit activities of the Vick boys (dog cruelty and chest stomping), tragic campus shootings, and the intolerable introduction of the most overused special teams moniker in the world (“Beamer Ball”) for the Hokies.  At the end of the day, I think we all want to pull a little for the outsider, especially if it screws with the BCS.  Go Smurf-turfers!

This past Saturday I woke up and after starting the coffee brewing and grabbing the paper I decided to turn on the TV to see if I could catch a Premier League game. My boys from Arsenal had already won and Fox Soccer was showing a game I didn’t care about so I checked what was on ESPN. To my surprise, the first College Game Day of the season was on. To say my life improved at hearing Big and Rich sing the word ‘cit-tay’ is a vast understatement.

Sure, there were the usual annoyances: Herbstreit’s annual unwarranted Hurricane love fest, Corso picking a UF/Nebraska national title game and an extended discussion about Notre Dame as required by ESPN’s FCC license. But all of that is just the trees making up the forest of something much. Much bigger: college football is back!

Gone are those boiling hot Saturdays where your afternoon sports decision is between a baseball game and a golf tournament. Now we return to cooler temperatures, and days upon days of football. It is enough to make a man want to build his own man-cave for enjoying 12 hours of football each Saturday. Oh wait, I am doing that. I rock.

So with that, let’s waste no further time. Let’s jump right in. It is time for my annual destined-to-be-embarrassingly wrong predictions for the college football season. Write them down in ink today, and laugh at their idiocy for months to come:

Not This Year Folks: For the first time since 2005’s epic USC/Texas national championship game (redaction by rule of the NCAA) we will not have a representative of the SEC in the national championship game.

Yes, Alabama is the defending national champion but they won that title with defense. A defense that now has 9 new starters. Hard to see this being the same defense as the one led by Rolando McClain and Mount Cody (who personally won them the Tennessee game last year you might remember). Not only that but thanks to a quirk of scheduling their final 6 SEC opponents will all play the Tide coming off of a bye week. That obviously won’t help every opponent but the Tide didn’t exactly blow anyone out last year. One or two minor slip-ups are pretty easy to envision. Of course as their friends in Baton Rouge can tell you, even losing twice doesn’t automatically disqualify a team from national championship game – assuming the pollsters are as infatuated with you as teenage girls are with Justin Bieber, so maybe the Tide will sneak in anyway but I still don’t see it.

On the other side of the SEC, the only team that could make a case is the Gators but without the magic of Tebow and the constant losses to the draft along the offensive line and defense they also seem ripe for a couple losses. There are plenty of traps on the Gator schedule: at Tuscaloosa and…dare I say it…(oh, you dare, you dare)…at Tallahassee seem to be prime candidates as well as the annual ‘closer-than-it-should-be game’  or outright loss in the Swamp – LSU and South Carolina look just strong enough to scare the Gators. Outside of Alachua County though, the SEC East is marginally better than the Sun Belt right now. I know Georgia and Tennessee name recognition but that is the only credibility they carry into the season. Call me when you win a game of consequence. With that, the winner of the SEC title game will need a lot of help to reach the BCS title game again.

You Can Show Yourself Out: The last few years, one of the biggest stories in college football has been  the rise of teams from the non-power conferences on to the BCS stage. This year Boise State has the unprecedented opportunity of beginning the season in the top five, setting up an easy to envision rise to that national title game. I know ESPN’s talking heads said that the BCS title game would take 2 one-loss teams over BSU but that is hard to believe from a simple logistical approach.

If every other team loses a game, BSU will have to sit atop the polls at some point. If Alabama and OSU lose and BSU remains undefeated, then either the teams that beat each rise to the top or BSU does. But then in this scenario, whatever teams jump them (say Florida and Iowa) would also lose. So, somehow we are expected to believe BSU would never climb to the #1 spot? And if they do, can the pollsters really dislodge a #1 team that doesn’t lose? I don’t see it.

However this hypothetical scenario that must keep BCS Commissioners up all night worrying about the gypsies taking over their palace will remain just what it is – a hypothetical. One week from today this could be a moot point and I think it will be. It is conventional wisdom around here that Virginia Tech always loses at least one game they shouldn’t. The opening weekend BSU game seems like a prime contender for one of VT’s annual embarrassments. But I don’t think so. Not this time. This is, in essence, a home game for the Hokies and they have an experienced QB and two experienced running backs to not fold on the big stage. Combine that with superior size and athleticism and I think VT can overcome their overrated and overmatched coaching staff and send Cinderella back to Smurfland with a loss, ending the speculation before it can even begin. Oh, and TCU? Yeah, you had your shot last year in a BCS bowl and apparently used the Bob Stoops BCS game handbook to prepare for it. Don’t think you will get a second invite back to the party no matter what you do this year.

Archie Griffin: Popping champagne by Week #5: Archie Griffin will get to embrace his inner-Mercury Morris when he remains the only two-time Heisman trophy winner for yet another year. I wasn’t a strong believer in Mark Ingram last year (since I am 98% sure his back-up Trent Richardson is as good as he is, how can he be the best player in the country), so if you factor in a loss or two for the Tide, less impressive stats (as team really key on stopping him, which you even saw at the end of last season) and beginning the season already injured, there seems little to no chance he is holding up the bronze statue again this season. If everything else plays out as expected (see below), I think you will see Terrelle Pryor up on that stage in December: he has the hype, the name-school, the pre-season ranking and the Big Ten to put up great stats against. Throw in a highlight reel play or two and 11 wins or so and it would take an out-of-nowhere Charles Woodson like year to take it away from him.

And on a personal note: We have been waiting for years, asking the same question: could this be the year? When I say ‘we’ I mean Seminole fans, of course. Is this the year our boys finally rise back to the top of the rankings? For once, I think it might be possible. With probably the best quarterback to wear the garnet and gold not named Charlie Ward, more talented but unproven running backs and wide receivers than the Tea Party has lunatics and an experienced line, this should be as good an offense as we have seen since we were all stocking cans for Y2K. On the defensive side, FSU had the 110^th best defense last year and still went 7-6. Even if they achieve mediocrity (ranking in 50s or 60s) this team could finish with just 2 or 3 losses. Now we have a new, young coordinator and some of the top freshmen in the country. I’m not saying FSU will be in the national title conversation or definitely beat OU in week #2, but will they be hovering around a top ten ranking, have a major upset on their resume and possibly be in consideration for a BCS Bowl bid at the end of the season? Finally, yes.

At the End of the Day: There is really only one thing that matters in college football: who wins the crystal football. Looking into my tea leaves (chai: left over from my post latte tea this morning – I am a 2 caffeine drink kind of guy), I see yet another Ohio State title game appearance. Sorry Peffer. With a strong team back, only a couple major challenges (Iowa, Miami and Wisconsin) and a quarterback that could go all Vince Young at a moment’s notice, it is hard to dismiss OSU making it back to the title game. And facing OSU will, ironically, be VY’s old team, the Texas Longhorns. Sorry Turner. Yes, McCoy is gone but Garrett Gilbert filled in admirably in the BCS title game and should mature throughout this season. A depleted Big 12 leaves them with only 3 really tough games all year:

Oklahoma: hard to believe but I take Mack Brown over Bob Stoops in a coaching duel any day. Wow, did I just write something positive about Mack? I must be running a fever.

Nebraska: Sure last year’s Big 12 title game was close. But that was thanks to a man named Suh. He is gone. Unfortunately the Huskers’ quarterbacks remain. Their chance at a win does not.

Texas A&M: Wow, what year is this? 1996? Texas A&M, seriously? Sure, they have a fine quarterback. But the Aggies have been waiting to return to relevance even longer than the Seminoles. I’m from Missouri (literally): you need to show me something before I believe it.

With that it seems pretty clear we are looking at a Texas v. Ohio State title game. Sorry Horns but the Big 12’s failure on the BCS stage continues another year and OSU takes away the BCS title as well as my favorite running joke about the Big Ten not being able to compete with the southern schools.

I say the loss of one running joke is a small sacrifice to make for the glory that is another college football season. As a lame commercial for a cheap light beer says: here we go.

If you need me, I will be in my man-cave.

This past week should have been the best week of football in the entire year, but due to a crazy work schedule, I have been uncharacteristically silent on all that transpired. Just think about all of the football we have seen since last weekend’s NFL games:

 - On Monday, TCU went out and choked under the bright lights and made fools of all of us lobbying that they were deserving of a BCS title shot (or at least a game against Florida to prove themselves). Instead they went out and were dominated by a Boise State defense that gave up 35 points to Louisiana Tech. We did however learn that Chris Petersen and his coaching staff may prepare their team for bowls better than any other coaching staff (see: 2007 Oklahoma Fiesta Bowl, sorry Turner).

- On Tuesday, I saw exactly one play of the Iowa/Georgia Tech game but I am happy that Shadow’s Hawkeyes were the one team all bowl season to defeat a triple-option oriented team. Apparently the Fall of the Shadow has bled into 2010.

- Wednesday night, some directional school from the MAC beat some other school, which actually makes this much like every other Wednesday. Yet another reason Wednesday might be the worst day of the week – it’s only redeeming quality being its Middle School-esque nickname of ‘Hump Day’.

- Thursday night, Alabama won a BCS title (not national title) deserving of an asterisk only slightly larger than the one on Barry Bonds’ home run totals.

- Friday, the Seahawks fired Jim Mora way too soon and ensured that their fan-base has years of disappointment and underachievement ahead of them being coached by Pete Carroll, a guy who won exactly one undisputed national title while coaching the college equivalent of the AFC Pro Bowl team for a decade.

And then as if to rub salt in the wound of work keeping me from enjoying all this great football action I awake this morning to a press release in my in-box announcing January as National Football Month. I don’t know what that means (other than that creepy middle-aged guy driving a 1970’s Camaro delivering pizzas on TV is trying to stage a coup to claim King of Football Food – taking it away from buffalo wings) but it just re-enforced how much work can get in the way of enjoying football. Damn you, employment.

All of this is a long way of pointing out that the NFL games this weekend sort of suck. After days and days of interesting football games (or so I was told) we are stuck with a slate of games that not even their own fan bases can get excited about – even if we hadn’t seen 3 of them all of 6 days ago.

So as a protest against these ugly games, we are boycotting the Hierarchy of Hate this weekend. If you need advice on who to cheer on – well, for one game (Bengals/Jets) just scroll down and read last week’s THH. For the other games, I advice cheering for games strictly based on potential match-ups later in the playoffs.

Cardinals vs. Packers? Obviously the prospect of a Favre / Packers re-rematch should be enticing enough to put you in green and yellow this weekend. For weeks, I have maintained that the poor Vikings fans have a devastating home loss to look forward to in the playoffs. Could it be even sweeter if that came at the hands of the Packers? Circle of Life my friends. That Elton John fellow knows a lot about the NFL for a gay Englishman.

Patriots vs. Ravens? Do I really need to stay anything more than 4^th and Two the Sequel:  No More Punts? Yes, if they beat the Ravens and then the Chargers and we could be looking at the Pats going back into Indy, this time with the AFC title on the game. Give me that over another one of those boring Steeler/Raven AFC title games any day.

As for Eagles/Cowboys – well, either team playing New Orleans would be interesting, so let’s agree to cheer for the Eagles just because it is so much fun to hear and joke about how the Cowboys and Tony Romo can’t win in the playoffs. I have already lost making fun of Tebow and Gary Danielson’s special relationship. Don’t take this away from me too.

In a week where I miss the best football of the year because of 15 hour work days, I need some sort of joy in my life.