After months of pretending to get our NFL fix by following the human equivalent of the Westminster Dog Show known as the NFL Combine and the movements of free agents deemed too old, too crazy or too expensive by their previous employers we have finally reached the crown jewel of the NFL offseason: the NFL Draft. Out with the past, and in with the future. There are endless educated guesses out there on who each team will draft but who should all these teams draft? Thankfully, your dutiful analyst here at PFB has scoured the scouting services and waded through Mel Kiper’s hairline to determine who each team should target, if for no other reason than our entertainment.

AFC East

New England Patriots – With the loss of Ben Watson to Cleveland the Patriots have a need at tight end (I know, I can’t believe losing Ben Watson would cause anything but joy in Foxbrough but it is what it is). In steps Ron Gronkowski out of Arizona. Whether he succeeds on the field or not, he can at least act as a guardian to long-lost cousin kicker Stephen Gostkowski, reducing the number of wedgies and swirlies inflicted this year by that bully Tom Brady.

New York Jets – The Jets need to find some offensive help for their second year quarterback and overpowering defense. They have gone out on the free agent market and gotten wide receivers and running backs, so they should use the draft to go get a tight end. How about Dennis Pitta out of BYU? Last year, the Jets made the millions of latino fans in New York happy with the drafting of Mark Sanchez. This year they can make millions of Greek and middle eastern fans happy by loading up on Pitta. 

Miami Dolphins – This offseason, the Dolphins lost linebacker, non-stop talker, cheap-shot artist and drunk driver Joey Porter to the Arizona Cardinals. Drafting Brandon Spikes, he of the linebacker playing, eye-gouging, teammate deifying career at Florida will help address the loss of many of Porter’s doucheiest qualities.

Buffalo Bills – Last year, the Bills played a home game in Toronto to expand their fan base beyond western New York and into Canada. If they can’t put a competitive team on the field, this is their best chance at remaining relevant. Drafting Dan LeFevour, a quarterback out of Central Michigan not only addresses one of their biggest needs but may also bring millions of new Canadian fans to the Bills bandwagon when they get confused and assume he is on loan from playing winger for the Maple Leafs.

AFC North

Pittsburgh Steelers – Last year after Troy Polamalu was lost to injury, the Steelers showed a great weakness in the secondary. Drafting Joe Haden, the cornerback out of Florida will help reduce the dependence on Troy’s hair. Plus after years in Gainesville, Haden knows quite well how to deal with a quarterback with a god complex.

Cleveland Browns – Three years ago, the Browns drafted golden boy Brady Quinn out of Notre Dame to address their quarterback needs. This year they can draft Golden Tate out of Notre Dame to address their wide receiver needs. I mean it can’t work out any worse than last time right?

Cincinnati Bengals – Needing another weapon for Carson Palmer, the Bengals should take Jermaine Gresham, who provides the added bonus of sounding like the best-selling legal novel author around. If the Bengals can’t get players that actually understand the law they can at least get players that sound like they do.

Baltimore Ravens – Still looking for players to help out Joe Flacco, the Ravens should roll the dice on Dez Bryant. Sure, there are some questions marks around Dez – especially about his lying to the NCAA and questionable work ethic but if there is anyone that will take a stab at motivating a young player it is Ray Lewis.

AFC South

Indianapolis Colts – Coming off a Super Bowl in which they were torched by Drew Brees, the Colts need to address their inability to put pressure on the quarterback. Jason Pierre Paul out of South Florida can help that need as well as taking the pressure off Pierre Garcon of being the only Pierre on the roster.

Tennessee Titans – With Lendale White becoming ineffective without tequila in his blood it is time to look for a new complement to take some of the load off of Chris Johnson. Not only does Toby Gerhart provide the short yardage power, and leading blocking ability, but can you imagine the nicknames that could be formed for a small black running back and large white running back tandem? Chocolate Lightning and White Thunder? Ebony and Ivory? The I-Spy Backfield? Tennessee Vice? I could do this all day.

Jacksonville Jaguars – Much has been made this offseason of the Jaguars drafting the best player out of nearby University of Florida to help drive interest in the team and improve their anemic offense. I fully endorse this approach and expect Maurkice Pouncey to make the short trip up from Gainesville to Jacksonville.

Houston Texans – The Texans are the ‘Almost’ team. Every year they almost make the playoffs. Matt Schaub has stats almost as good as the best in the league and he almost makes it through the season uninjured. Steven Slaton can make it almost all the way through the game without fumbling. Andre Johnson almost gets the credit he deserves for being the best wide receiver in the game. Thus the Texans should draft Joe McKnight – the USC running back almost as good as his predecessor Reggie Bush who the Texans almost drafted 4 years ago.

AFC West

San Diego Chargers – In a tough offseason for the Bolts, they lost their top running back in LaDainian Tomlinson, a back-up quarterback in Charlie Whitehurst, outrageous child production in Antonio Cromartie and a player known to disappear in big games (Tomlinson again). Clearly they need to sign Travis Henry to address the running and child production needs while drafting Colt McCoy for the back-up quarterback and ‘disappearing in big game’ gaps.

Oakland Raiders – There is little doubt the Raiders will draft Bruce Campbell, the Maryland offensive lineman who is a physical specimen that impressed at the NFL Combine with incredible speed and strength after a completely mundane college career. Really his only chance of success in the NFL is if his hand is still possessed like it was back in Evil Dead 2.

Denver Broncos – The Broncos have a lot of needs. They are looking for linebackers, offensive linemen, receivers and (possibly) a long term solution at quarterback. But there is another position that has been vacated with the trades of Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall over the last two offseasons: unhappy whiner who quits on his team. The Broncos can’t go into the season without at least one on their roster so don’t be surprised to hear the name “Mike Williams” announced at some point with the Broncos on the clock.

Kansas City Chiefs – The Chiefs are still trying to improve their offense but while the acquisition of Thomas Jones to split carries with Jamal Charles should help, their defense still has holes. Targeting Sean Weatherspoon, the linebacker out of Missouri helps out a defense ranked 31^st against the run last year. Plus he is one of the few players in the draft that would know Kansas City is actually located in Missouri not Kansas. That could be huge when trying to find the stadium for that first game.

In the NFL, ‘gun slinger’ is a term of endearment for a quarterback with a strong arm that tends to throw high risk, high reward passes. Of course, these quarterbacks are polarizing to their teams and fans. They can be heroes if they complete the miracle pass or can be goats if their mistakes cost them the game.

They can also be loathed by their teams and fans if the same out of control egos and selfish confidence makes them believe they are more important their team.

NOTE: I’m really not trying to make this a personal attack on Jay Cutler and Brett Favre, really I am not, it just seems that way.

Anyway, thanks to the presence of Cutler and Favre, the NFC North is the unquestioned Gunslinging capital of the NFL. However, that doesn’t mean it is the only division that would have fit in well wearing black back in the old west.

While Favre and Cutler’s antics may antagonize fans and teammates, they at least keep their crimes limited to the world of football.

With two Pittsburgh Steelers facing legal trouble this spring, and another Brown getting arrested it is official; the AFC North is the least law-abiding division of the NFL. The NFL’s real outlaw division.

Every single team in the AFC North has had players with run-ins with the law:

Ravens: Officially Ray Lewis never stabbed a guy with a knife outside of an Atlanta night club. Also, officially Lewis quit being an elite linebacker a couple years ago. However as the saying goes ‘perception is reality’. The same rationale that lets announcers continue to label Ray one of the best in the game, is the same rationale that I can use to say Ray, at a minimum, was an accomplice to a man’s death.

Bengals: I don’t have the time, energy or page count to list all of the crimes committed by the Orange and Black Gang over the years. Let’s just say, if your last name isn’t Palmer and you play for the Bengals, you probably have an arrest record in Hamilton County. And I can say that only because I am choosing to ignore that Jordan Palmer stole a roster spot from a more deserving player.

Browns: Just last week, Shaun Rogers was arrested for ‘accidentally’ trying to bring a loaded gun on a plane. Last year, Braylon Edwards got himself banished to Elba (I mean New Jersey) for punching a friend of the Akron Hammer. Former Browns wide receiver (and now Raven) Donte Stallworth killed a man while driving impaired in Miami last year. Apparently after seeing the Bengals turn around their play and make the playoffs this year after a multi-year crime spree, the Browns are trying to follow the same game plan. Unfortunately that plan doesn’t take into account the crime against humanity that has been the Browns quarterback play for the last decade.

Steelers: Big Ben appears to be about to escape charges after being accused of a second sexual assault in two years. Santonio Holmes appears to be about to be cleared of assault charges from some sort of bar room encounter. Unfortunately he also faces a suspension for substance abuse, coming after years of being relatively open about his pot use (first sign you shouldn’t ever use Twitter: Tweeting about ‘waking and baking’). So, Santonio has a problem putting down the pipe while Big Ben has a problem turning away dumb young women throwing themselves at him (that is the half-glass full view of what happened). The Steelers may be considered the model franchise thanks to great owners and a smart coach but they sure draft some dumb players.

In the midst of the free agent / pre-draft season it only makes sense to look at some players that based on their extra-curricular activities would be good fits to join the AFC North:

- Brandon Marshall – Chad Ochocinco lobbied for T.O. to join him in Cincinnati. That hasn’t happened yet but with Marshall’s legal troubles over the years he would fit in well in the Bengal locker room. Plus he has spent the last few years making passes from Kyle Orton and Jay Cutler look catchable. Even Jordan Palmer would look like he belongs on an NFL roster with B-Marsh around.

- Marshawn Lynch – Traveling with a gun? Hit and Run? If Marshawn isn’t a natural fit in Cleveland than I don’t know anything about building an NFL team.  

- Ronnie Brown – DUI arrest in Georgia? Clearly Brown needs to sign with the Steelers. If he played in the black and gold he would have just taken a couple pictures with the officers when they pulled him over before being let go.

- Any Florida Gator outside of Saint Tebow– a team of 20+ offseason arrests last year – if you are looking for a division where strict adherence to the law is optional, the AFC North is for you.

Wait, why am I trying to get more criminals together? I think this is how the Colombian drug cartels got started. And we all know how journalists challenging those cartels end up.

Maybe it is time to call witness protection.

Just call me Mediocre Dan.

Seventeen straight weeks is a long time to pick who to cheer on in random NFL match-ups. There are only so many times you can pick against Jacksonville just for the hell of it. As we reach the end of the season when even NFL teams are starting to rest their players, we here at the THH keep soldiering on, in the firm belief that our playoff performance will be directly impacted by taking a week or two off and losing that winning rhythm that got us this far.

However, like the adults at that party in the Ice Storm (Anyone? Anyone?) we want to mix things up a little this week. We didn’t put names in a fish bowl and draw out new partners for the evening, instead we look at the match-ups and come up with some game to determine who to cheer on. This week, I handed the reins to Turner to come up with the trivia/theme/game we need to pick winners. I will spare you the 27 message email chain needed for me to understand what we were being asked and instead let him explain.

Turner: As we head into this last week of 2009, there are a lot of things to look forward to in 2010.  First off, please let me just rejoice in the thrashing that the Ponies put on Nevada.  I had a bit of a tear in my eye during half-time as they kept saying “these are the ponies of the 80′s”.  Now I’m not sure exactly what that could mean, it was either 1) they were playing like top 5 team in the country or 2) they must be paying these guys because that is the only way that team has seemed to actually perform.  I’m going to continue focusing on #1 as it gives me something to already starting planning my days around next September (sooooo far away).   

The other good thing about this week is that OU plays on Thursday, thus if they suck as they have all year, I can attribute it to 2009 and still have fondness in looking forward to next year.  If you take this, plus the Broncos will be undefeated in January (because they sucked in 2009 and missed the playoffs), the Nuggets will rally and at least make the Western Conference Finals and the Avs might actually sneak into the playoffs, the outlook of the Denver / Oklahoma / SMU sports scene can only go up!  Oh and there is that FSU visit to Norman next fall. That alone makes 2010 (and 2011!) something to look forward to!!!!!! 

This is also my official send-off for Bobby Bowden (2-13 SCOREBOARD)….  I hope he wins especially since SD is spending his personal money to go to Jax to see the game. I can honestly say I will likely NEVER spend my own money to go to Jax.  It sure will be nice to see a full stadium in Jax, this and the UF/UGA game are the only times each year (unless Kenny Chesney plays a show there)….

 For this week’s THH we went with “pick the game based on alumni from SD (FSU), The Shadow (Univ. Northern Colorado / Iowa) and Turner (the OU).  As with last week there seemed to be a lot of confusion for SD on how to interpret a little research project into actually doing research or at least be good at playing 20 Questions. I sure loved that game but maybe SD should have spent more time playing that then focusing on Spin the Bottle with my wife in middle school and high school.

(NOTE from SD: This is untrue. I didn’t know Mrs. Turner in middle school)

 This week’s games are as follows: 

 Representing Turner:  The Football NY Giants @ Minnesota Vikings (THE Rhett Bomar / Allen Patrick vs. Adrian Peterson)

 Representing SD:  Cincinnati Bengals (Laveranues Coles) @ NY Jets (Leon Washington)

 Representing the Shadow: Washington Redskins (Ladell Betts) @ S.D. Chargers (Vincent Jackson / Nate Kaeding)

 **interesting note: each of these match-ups features back-up RBs from each our respective colleges.  That should have been an interesting addition to the research, it makes me happy that FSU players are relegated to back-up status as well

Shadow: I personally thought the Broncos would go 6-10 this year at best.  At the absolute best.  So why do I find myself pining for 9-7 and a playoff spot?  I think it was that deceptive 6-0 start.  It just completely through off my Broncolibrium ™, and got me to thinking thoughts I shouldn’t have thought to think or thought.  I guess I will be disappointed when they don’t make the playoffs, and that disappointment is heightened just like last year by losing games we had no business losing (Oakland at home two years in a row….WHAT THE F*CK).

 So in Part Deux of Super Dave’s attempt to prove to me and Turner how hard this whole “theme” picking stuff is, he is letting Turner take the reins, and predictably Turner stepped up to the plate and nailed the jay.  He got all the parts of a quality THH theme email correct:  deceptive wording (“vested interest”), red herrings (“New York Football Giants”…is he implying some connection to the “baseball” Giants?), and pointing out the obvious (“in our past”…as opposed to us all suddenly becoming Nostradamus).  Dave and I rattled around ideas for a couple hours…with Dave doing virtually all the heavy lifting, and finally nailed his theme, which was Alma-Mater weekend.  Of course, it only really works for Super Dave, who multiple actual players from his alma-mater playing in the NFL right now….but I guess that is beside the point.  Turner and I will be using our “Ersatz Mater” for this one.

Actual phrasing of Turner’s Hint: Each of us has a vested interest in one of the games based on our past.  You must pick the game based on that criteria.

The Turner Bowl : Giants (Rhett Bomar/Allen Patrick) @ Vikings (Adrian Peterson)

SD: I have decided to go with a theme within a theme this week. I call it the Crime and Punishment playoffs. While each match-up features alums of our schools it also (maybe not so coincidentally) includes players that ran into some sort of trouble with either the NCAA or the law while in school. Maybe it is my inner-outlaw rearing its ugly head, but I have decided for this week that I am pro-criminal. So, given that Bomar was banished from Norman to Sam Houston State for receiving a pay check from a booster for a job he didn’t actually do <insert joke from Turner about my own career here> while Adrian Peterson, despite being a better player and working for the same booster, was never found of any wrong doing. I believe if you do the crime, you should do the time, therefore I cheer for the player with the best name for a fictional movie quarterback west of Colt McCoy and the rest of the Giants.

Turner: Reliving the OU Legacy here,  Rhett “would you like that Corvette in Blue or Red” Bomar vs. ALL DAY.  The Bomar just won’t go away.  Allen Patrick (back-up running back) was the initial focus on the Giants for this one. It might have even caused the Giants to win this THH but just like in college, he is being overshadowed by the greasy used car salesman himself, Rhett.  Here is the chain of events that leads me to a Vikings victory here:  OU lands 5 Star Recruit Bomar (which has NEVER been successful at OU)……Bomar comes on campus as the Golden Child and is mediocre……. He decides to sell cars (ok, not sell cars but get paid for being employed by a car dealership w/o actually showing up)  <INSERT TURNER NOTE:WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT, This is what SD does every day>  He gets kicked off team, OU still goes to BCS game and runs into Boise State and hasn’t shown up in a big game yet.  So yes, Bomar cost my beloved Sooners at least 2 national championships and has cost the Giant at least one win this December. (41 points to Carolina at home??).  A.P. will be running ALL DAY in this one.

Shadow: The battle of the NFL Sooners.  AD-AP and Rhett Butler.  As much as I admire Rhett for holding down one of my dream jobs (getting paid for not really doing anything..kind of like being an Executive Director…I kid, I kid…stop filling out that pink slip Turner), I cannot resist giving the nod to AP who was nice enough to not put up 200 yards and 4 TD against Da Bears, thus preserving for me the championship of my office fantasy league.  It’s the Vikings in this one.

The Super Dave Bowl: Bengals (Lav Coles) @ Jets (Leon Washington)

SD: There are so many reasons to cheer for Lav over Leon, this one is as one-sided next year’s OU/FSU game will be. I knew Lav while at FSU. He was there during FSU’s glory days. Leon’s disappointing season and broken leg helped kill my fantasy team this season. The Broncos need the Bengals to win. The Jets are located in (or adjacent) to New York. Most importantly, Lav was kicked off the 1999 Noles for receiving a 90% discount at Dillard’s (among other offenses). As I said above, since I live the oulaw life, I feel a kinship with those who ran afoul of the law. Keep fighting the Man, Lav!

Turner: Again here, bright shining star with some “Trouble” (a.k.a. This was Coles Nickname).  It all started with him being born in Jacksonville (karma since SD is headed there and that is what he is going to be in after spending 4 hours at The Landing on Thursday night).  Question:  When does $412.38 worth of clothing only cost you $21.40?  Answer: When you and Peter Warrick (currently playing for the Bloomington Extreme – wow) are shopping at Dillards. I actually don’t necessarily fault these guys for this b/c with the education level in Tallahassee, the sales clerk probably added up the numbers incorrectly.  I guess Free Shoes just wasn’t enough.

In addition to this let’s focus on the rest of his life in the 90′s: Coles was arrested in 1998 for batter, suspended for the Seminoles’ 99 Season Opener against Louisiana Tech for academic reasons, and discovered to have accepted a plane ticket from a sport agent representative in 1999

 All of this is contrasted with good ol’ Leon.  The interesting thing here is that Leon is also from Jacksonville.  Maybe SD could take a “let me see where these guys grew up” tour after the FSU game (think he’d make it 5 minutes – I’d say HELL NO)…. the only thing in Leon’s past was that he apparently gave an obscene gesture for his Bowman’s rookie card (since removed – I’m sure it wasn’t an obscene gesture but more giving the classic “J” sign that is ingrained in all of us from Jax)

 With all of this, it think it is safe to say that the J-E-T-S will win this one, but only if they survive.  Only hope the Bengals have is to maybe distract them with Lav’s cubic zirconium that he purchased for $1.99.  Good thing they are playing in NY where I’m sure he can also get a Rolex off the street. 

 (oh – and with this THH win, the Broncos are officially eliminated from the playoff, yet another reason to hate FSU)

Shadow: Wow, both New York teams this week…who knew Turner was a member of the supposed East Coast media bias.  This one is for Bobby Bowden’s lads, of which, sadly, there will be no more.  I think it is fairly safe to say that there will never be any more coaches in the future with the legacy of a Bobby Bowden, as our 24/7 full-access media bloated society will likely never allow a coach to spend 30 some odd years at one school.  And that, my friends, is sad.  So we have Laverneous versus Leon.  Call me old-school, but I tend to prefer runners over receivers.  Someday soon Leon will be teaming with Shonn Greene and Mark Sanchez to create a formidable backfield for the Jets.  Of course, they will probably still underachieve enough to make Greenie lament their woes each morning on ESPN Radio.  But, here and now, they still get my pick.

The Shadow Bowl: Redskins (Ladell Betts) @ Chargers (Nate Kaeding/Vincent Jackson)

SD: When I initially decided to go with the Law & Order theme for my personal THH entries this week, I asked the Shadow if any of the involved Northern Colorado or Iowa players had ever faced legal or compliance issues. He responded: The only thing illegal happening in Greeley were bad pick-up lines.  And no Hawkeye football player would ever dare to get into legal issues….that is what the basketball team is for.

While this may be true specifically for these players apparently Shadow forgot that every program runs into legal problems. Some worse than others. For example, there once was a school where the back-up punter was so desperate to start, that he decided the best way to win the job was not out-kicking the starter but rather stabbing him in the leg (Bronco fans recognize this as the same approach used by Mitch Berger this season). That school? Shadow’s alma mater – UNC of course! So in honor of Mitch Cozad I am going with fellow UNC alum Vince Jackson and the San Diego Chargers (sorry, UNC alum and Redskin Reed Doughty, I am playing by Turner’s rules this week).

Turner: I’m a big fan of Vincent Jackson (a.k.a Wild Child).  I can count the number of NFL Players from Colorado on one hand and Vincent leads the pack.  He is a stud and should be recognized as such.  Nate Kaeding (“Big Game Nate” and “Mr. Automatic” (Do you lose your nickname if you miss 4 straight FGS in the playoffs???) has a few interesting notes about him, he is only at S.D. because of the whole Eli Manning / Phillip Rivers trade.  Quite possibly if that hadn’t happened then the Giants would have never won that Super Bowl (but I guess then the Patriots might have – ugg) and that would just enhance everything about the origin of the THH philosophy around the hatred of NorthEast Sports Teams. Ladell Betts has nothing on him either, he is from Kansas City, he is from a single mom household who worked three jobs to keep Ladell fed.  That is a great story.  I really have no reason to pick against any of these players so this one went to OT and ended in a tie.  Yes, there is a possibility of ties in THH when you either hate both teams equally or you really don’t hate either one at all based on the criteria. 

Shadow: This one had to be the most difficult game for Turner to find, since there aren’t exactly a ton of former Hawkeyes in the ranks of the NFL.  He chose well.  Ladell Betts versus Nate Kaeding.  My favorite thing about Ladell?  In 2000, every yard the Hawkeyes gained rushing was by Betts.  I am not sure if that says more about consistency, or about really unimaginative play calling by the Iowa staff.  In the NFL he has never really gotten a chance to be the full time starter for any length of time, and has to be simply considered “serviceable”.  Kaeding, on the other hand, is Iowa’s all time leading scorer, and is now an All-Pro kicker in the NFL (despite missing some key FG’s in playoff games).  I am going with the kicker in this one, plus San Diego has also been friendlier to the Hawkeyes over the years (Kevin Kasper, Tim Dwight, Scott Chandler, Mike Goff, Ronnie Harmon).  Go Bolts!

For this week’s THH, with only NFL games to pick from (I refuse to acknowledge the New Mexico Bowl or St. Petersburg Bowl) I resurrected the theme approach – adding a level of complexity to our usual free-for-all picking approach.

Our three games this week are rematches of games played years ago and the rules are that we cheer for the team we would have cheered for back then. I didn’t tell Turner or Shadow what the common thread was between these games but instead used hints that the games played before had been ‘historically important’.

This choice of words set off a firestorm of email traffic as it quickly became apparent that based on the phrase ‘historically important’, the two of them had spent hours trying to determine what the common theme could be. Of course, they were in Jacksonville at the time, so it isn’t like they had anything better to do.

Needless to say they greatly overthought what could have been historically important about these three games. They actually arrived at the correct answer very quickly but moved right past and kept looking. Sort of like when my friend Greg and I were driving to Key West for the first time and we were excited to see the Seven-Mile Bridge but didn’t think we would ever get there because the bridge we were driving across just seemed to go on forever.

Anyway, this started a great debate on what constitutes ‘historically important’ which is probably 14 times more interesting than the resulting THH picks.

If a game is important at the time it is played (hypothetical example that might have something to do with today’s THH: AFC and NFC Championship games) but nothing about it stands up to time (compare: Dwight Clark’s ‘Catch’ in 1981 versus the following year’s Redskins vs. Cowboys game – and yes, I had to look up who the Redskins played) – is it historically important?

Games are certainly important to those that have a personal connection to the game – if your favorite team was the Redskins in the early 80’s, that 1982 game might be one of your greatest memories. But what about the rest of us? If the Cowboys had beaten the Redskins, would my life be different in any way, other than dealing with the ridiculous Cowboys bandwagon being rejuvenated a decade early? If I have no distinct memories of a game I most likely watched – does that mean it was unimportant?

If an important game was played yet nothing memorable happened – if the context of the game were taken out of consideration and the game played was no more remarkable than any of the 448 regular season NFL games that season – would the game be considered historic in hindsight?

Maybe I am in the minority, but I say yes. Ok, I know I am in the minority (at least among THHers). It doesn’t matter to me what happened on the field as much as the context of the game. Of the 43 Super Bowls played – how many individual plays can you remember today? Even the biggest NFL fan would only remember 3-4 plays per game. Hell, half of the Super Bowls were so boring or unwatchable that their only redeeming qualities were the commercials. For anyone that wasn’t there, the only reason most of us remember any plays at all are NFL Films. For any games before 1990 how many plays do any of us remember watching live?

Super Bowl XX in 1985 featured one of the greatest teams (the ‘85 Bears), greatest players (Walter Payton) and longest necks (Steve Grogan – #2 all-time behind Merton Hanks) in NFL history yet I literally remember nothing (that was the year they experimented with 60-second blank screen, overloading sewers nationwide) as much or more than I remember any particular play.

I don’t think Turner is even stubborn enough to argue that a Super Bowl is not historic, yet his feeling was that none of the games I picked this week were historic despite their determining one of the participants of that season’s Super Bowl. Last time I checked ‘memorable’ and ‘unforgettable’ are not synonyms for historically important.

Turner and Shadow were so disgusted by my labeling of these games as historically important they have decided to boycott this week. In fact, I think I hear them outside picketing right now.

This is yet another reason I wish I was friends with Chuck Klosterman so he could definitively resolve when a game is historically important.

NFL:

(Actual phrasing of email that started it all: The following 3 match-ups pair teams that met in important games that have something in common. Your job is to pick the game based on who you would have cheered for in that historically important game.)

Cincinnati @ San Diego (1981 AFC championship Game)

SD: Sure, you could argue that if I say I would have cheered for the Bengals, it is revisionist history based on my current hating of the Bolts but that isn’t strictly true. One of my best friends in 1983 was a huge Chargers fan. Like many childhood friends, in hindsight I didn’t really like him. You could say he was my frienemy or (to borrow from Chuck Klosterman again) my nemesis. Just to agitate Joel I would have been cheering against the Chargers in this game. Looking backward and using Dan Fouts’ subsequent announcing career and Ken Anderson’s rocking porn-stache as deciding factors only re-enforces my instincts at the time.

Oakland @ Denver (1977 AFC Championship Game)

SD: When this game was played I was still counting my age in months and pooping in my pants. Which may help explain why I would have cheered for the Raiders in this game – since I assume all Raiders fans still poop in their pants. At the time I was living in Kansas and to be honest had never even heard of the state of Colorado before my parents told me we were moving there a few years later. So as much as I want to write this as a tribute to the Barrel Man (who actually started in an Orange Crush can in honor of the Broncos defense), I can’t. I would have cheered for the Raiders in this one. And then I would have crapped my pants – even my bowels knew it was wrong to cheer for the Raiders.

NY Giants @ Washington (1986 NFC Championship Game)

SD: Today, this Giants team is glorified by the east coast biased media, as an all-time great. Yes, they had a great defense – especially for a bunch of guys drowning in piles of coke and whores but can we really forget that this offense relied on players like Mark Bavarro and Phil McConkey to catch passes from Phil Simms’ feathered hairdo? That is an all-time great team? The Redskins on the other hand had the Hogs and the Smurfs and Dexter Manley (to appeal to the coke and whores crowd) – how could you cheer against them? Even if their quarterback was Jay Shroeder. I loved the Smurfs.

It is a solemn week here at the THH. Not only has it not been above 30 degrees in a week but for the first time in 3 months there is pretty much no college football this weekend (Army v. Navy and Division I-AA playoffs, just aren’t doing it for me). Where did the season go? It seems like just yesterday that Sam Bradford was getting squashed by a Mormon and FSU was spending Labor Day night letting the Hurricans run all over Doak Campbell stadium but unbelievably there have been a combined 9 more OU and FSU losses since that opening weekend. Ahh memories.

Yes, another college football season is in the books. Alabama and Texas will play for a BCS Title; TCU, Boise State and Cincinnati will not though they lost no games this year; Charlie Weis and Jimmy Clausen are leaving South Bend yet somehow all of us will find a way to go on and Tim Tebow cried yet there is still cancer. We have learned a lot this year – most notably that if you haven’t been a historic football power you have no chance of playing for a national title….excuse me, BCS title.

With no college, our THH this week is all pro all the time. Sort of like Tiger’s taste in women.

Shadow won’t be joining us this week as he took advantage of the gap between college football’s regular season and bowl season to take his family on a cruise, a veteran move that his family probably views as a self-less gift to them. Suckers.

We  miss the Shadow…..He is at sea right now getting a rub-down by Hans during his couples massage; I’m thankful I’m not witnessing that experience.  Meanwhile I sit in -4 degree weather here in Boise.  It is cold but that is not what annoys me tonight, here is what does:

1. You arrange all your bathroom stuff on the counter in your little bathroom bag so it isn’t spread out everywhere; meanwhile the maid decides she needs to monkey with your stuff.  There was no need to touch my stuff and now I’m not sure if she had to use my Old Spice or run my Crest fresh mint toothpaste through her sparkling teeth.  I’m not happy
2. No NFL network.  Fantasy playoffs start this week and I made it.  However I can’t watch my boys play because of the inability for the NFL to truly put its game on a national stage.  Oh – and they say the broadcast from the internet but they show 2 minutes of play followed by 12 minutes of “analysis” by  a bunch of Matt Millen wanna-bes.

Enough for now, I’m really just depressed about the Shadow.  I hope to recover by next week.

Miami @Jacksonville

SD: I think of this as the Seminole Book-End Bowl. FSU started the season with Miami and ends it at the Gator Bowl in Jacksonville. The Miami game was a heart-breaking loss. The Jacksonville game, regardless of the outcome of the game, will be an appreciation of the greatest college football coach. I expect the entire game to be one long worship of Bobby. After 35 years leading the program I think the least he has earned is the same reception Tim Tebow gets every game in Gainesville. Will I be there to say goodbye to grandpa Bobby? You are damn right. And for that I will cheer on the Jags this week.

Turner: Why does SD continuously put Jax on the schedule against cities with beautiful weather and women?  I really tried coming up with a compelling reason to pick Jax and other then I like saying Jax, I have to reason to root for them……. Still thinking………hmmmmmmmm

Cincinnati @ Minnesota

SD: Today it was announced that Cincinnati Bearcats head coach Brian Kelly would be leaving the Queen City for inevitable failure at Notre Dame. While this is a bad move in many ways – for example, the fact that it will be impossible to live up to the expectations of a fan base that thinks it is an elite program despite not having a team relevant to the national title conversation for about a generation now.  But there is one positive to his move. Next year if his team goes undefeated he will definitely be playing in the BCS title game. Of course, he will be at Notre Dame so there is absolutely no chance he will be undefeated but anyway. So, because the poor citizens of Cincinnati have lost their college coach, I will cheer for their pro team to exact some revenge by beating the Vikings – home of the only athlete more overrated than the Notre Dame Fighting Irish.

Turner: this is WKRP versus Coach.  I was a bit young for WKRP but Coach is one of those shows that I fell in love with.  Coach Hayden Fox and Dauber (oh – and Luther…) was greatness.  Comedy and football, one cannot go wrong.  The Screaming Eagles captured my heart so this THH as resurrected that great memory so I’m going Minnesota on this one.  Go Minnesota State.

Carolina @ New England

SD: Little known fact: the Carolinas are named in honor of King Charles I. Widely known fact: New England is named because people that settled there used to live in England. How is this pertinent to this game? It isn’t. But it should be noted that New England got its name because it was similar to England. No one would confuse the Carolinas with England. Nor would the Carolinas be confused with King Charles himself, as I don’t believe he was infested with Spanish Moss (though I bet Charles appreciated a good Argentinian mistress). Anyway, now that we know the US soccer team opens with the English team at next year’s World Cup, we as a country need to start building a solid level of hatred toward anything and everything British. Starting with cheering against New England would be a good way to ease into it. Baby steps and all.  

Turner: Remember Bill Belichick.  I still hate him (but sure need Randy Moss in my fantasy game..)  I hope that Jake Delhomme manages to throw for fewer INTs then 4^th downs that the Patriots fail on.

Ok – I’m still trying to figure out how to pick Jax so I guess I will stay with Miami this time.  Maybe when I see the sun-tanned, relaxed Shadow on Monday, I’ll be inspired since guess where I’ll be, yes Jax

Guess who’s back
Back again
Shady’s back
Tell a friend
Guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back
guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back..  

Eminem – Without Me

 Yes, after spending two weeks on ‘the continent’ I am finally back. Remarkably, in the last two weeks I have watched approximately 8 minutes of football (American football that is – I watched lots of EPL, La Liga and the Under-20 World Cup) – the Chicago/Pittsburgh game a couple weeks ago, standing in the sports bar in our Munich hotel at about 1 in the morning.

I won’t bore (or frighten) you with tales from my time in Europe – you aren’t here to hear about my Griswoldian adventure. I will just say that, if you ever have the opportunity to attend Oktoberfest, I highly recommend it. Especially if you are a fan of beer and the female chest. But you should be warned that after consuming that much beer, you may have a lot of strange biological reactions and need a multi-week break from beer afterward. Since I left Germany 12 days ago, I have had exactly 2 beers (not counting Guinness). Thankfully both Spain and France, where I spent the remainder of my trip are well known for their wine, so my beer-abstinence wasn’t too challenging.

For the record, I don’t believe Oktoberfest will cause you to need a couple weeks away from female chests.

So I am feeling a little out of it when it comes to football. I have missed two weeks of highs (Broncos 3-0 start, FSU over BYU) and lows (FSU losing to USF, Wes Welker and Tomlinson being injured and destroying my fantasy team). Combining two weeks of no football with consuming enough alcohol to kill a small Russian village, I feel like I have clean slate coming into this week. I have practically forgotten what these games look like.  

This makes me feel strangely good about the Hierarchy of Hate. There are no game-performance based biases hampering my view of these teams. I am approaching these games with more of a hatred virginity than I have had in years.

Turner: Oui, Oui!  We are so happy to have Super Dave back from over the large pond.  His 10+ years of service to his job has paid off in his expense free (except for drinks) trip to the great land of Europe.  We missed him dearly while he was gone, especially his beloved Seminoles.  It was probably best he missed that one, but not the greatness of the Broncos 3^rd win.  If they pull off three more in the next 9 weeks, it might be a miracle.  

Meanwhile, my stress level resumes after weeks of Idaho State and Tulsa as my Sooners head to South Beach.  This does not bode well, anytime my Sooners went to Miami to play Miami, it usually did not end up well.  I’m afraid this might be the case again….. <deep breath>….. at least we can root for the Shadow’s Hawkeyes….

Shadow: It’s Friday and I am feeling fine as both the teams I care about are still undefeated.  Iowa should continue that trend this weekend, but I am a bit worried for the Broncos against America’s Team.  Glad to have SuperDave back from the land of our foreforefathers.  I am sure the Old World got a taste of what they are missing, though.  On to the hate.

 The theme for this week, since I missed breakfast, is food.  Turner and I were debating the merits of a good hamburger the other day and came to the conclusion that right now Five Guys Burgers and Fries tops our list of “fast” but not “fast food” burgers.  So, whichever locale sports more of the famous red and white shops will get my support.

 College

Memphis @UCF

SD: In honor of my now completed vacation, I have decided to use as my factor this week: which place would I rather visit. I know – revolutionary stuff here. Just remember I was drunk on red wine and on a continent where Jerry Lewis and David Hasselhoff are gods when I came up with it. Anyway, this game is a perfect candidate as it allows me to decide between Disneyworld and Graceland. The obvious choice is Graceland as it is a tourist attraction thanks to it being the actual home of a real person, rather than the manufactured home of a cartoon mouse. However, I don’t recall Mickey Mouse stealing the music of black Americans and pretending to be a groundbreaker. Plus, after spending about 20 hours on planes, trains and automobiles yesterday, the idea that I could walk into Epcot and see a bunch of different cultures in one building sounds pretty good. Go Knights.

Turner: In this battle of the mighty Conference USA (Go Mustangs)….Usually I’m against colleges with the ‘central’ in it because they are useless but given the fact that UCF has put together a very competitive program AND they are the home of Daunte Culpepper, the only pro athlete that I’ve ever competed against (so dunked over him in high school basketball in Ocala, FL).  That has us joined at the hip so I feel like an honorary alumni of the school.  Go Knights.

Shadow: Zero for Memphis and 9 for Orlando.  Memphis- I love me a pulled pork sandwich with slaw on the top, but you need to get yourself some 5 Guys stores.  Go UCF.
Kansas St @ Iowa St

SD: As the polar opposite to the previous game, I picked two schools representing places you have absolutely no reason to visit. Manhattan, KS and Ames, IA are not high on anyone’s lists of dream vacations, unless they are big fans of cornfields and bad football. I will go with Iowa St. on this one. I hear they carve things out of butter at the Iowa State fair, so I guess that is something.

Turner: Three reasons to root for Iowa State… 1) if you name your city after a hip place in the Northeast and you are in Kansas, you suck  2)   If you wear Purple vs. the awesome yellow/ / red combination, you suck  3)  If you have to bring back a 90+ year old coach to try to attract today’s modern athlete, you are desperate (and suck).   Come on Cyclones….

 Shadow: I would say to throw both these teams out of the Big 12 and replace them with Boise State and CSU.  But I digress.  Hmmm, both have none.  All college towns need a 5 Guys.  Backup criteria:  distance to nearest 5 Guys.  K-State wins this one, and most likely the game as well.  Go Wildcats.  Meow!
 NFL:

NY Giants @ KC Chiefs

SD: Not much to like on either side in this game. It is hard to cheer for anything from New York, mostly because then you would have to hear about it from New Yorkers. A people that are so self-important they are pretty sure that the biggest inhibitor of the Chicago Olympic bid was its lack of New York representation. However, I just picked Iowa over Kansas above – can I really pick Kansas (ok, Missouri) over New York now? No I can’t. As much as I like the Plaza in KC, it ain’t New York.

Turner: One point of annoyance, when did it become cool to always say “The New York “FOOTBALL” Giants”.  Really?  Do we need clarification when we are in 2009 and discussion the NFL that we need to clarify with the word football?  Given that, I’m just done with them, they have everything against them on this one; geography, a QB named Eli, and they are playing against the great colored jerseys of the Cyclones again.   I just hope the Chiefs don’t shoot themselves in the foot 

Shadow: 1 for East Rutherford, NJ and 5 for KC.  Too bad it isn’t by state, as NJ would kill Kansas.  Too bad Giants fans.  It is all Chiefs in this one.

Cincinnati Bengals @ Cleveland Browns

SD: The battle of Ohio! Get it on! OK, I tried to generate some enthusiasm but I just can’t. This game sucks. And with the Bengals being pretty good, while the Browns play is reminiscent of something else that is the same color as their uniforms, it is probably going to be a blowout. So which city to visit? In a shocking upset, most likely nothing like the actual game, I am going with Cleveland. Someone once said that Cleveland Rocks, how can I argue with that?

Turner: I like cities you can shorten and nickname.  Cincy vs. Cincinnati is catchy.  What does Cleveland have, “Cleves”?  Ok Mateen.  Not one redeeming fact for Cleveland other than it gives the Shadow and SuperDave that tingly feeling when they routinely show the Browns getting destroyed by the “Drive”.  Oh – Cincy has that great Skyline (or Gold Star) Spaghetti Chili.  HMMMMMMM  

Shadow: Cincy has 3, Cleveland has none.  I think I agree with 5 Guys on this one.  Who wants to run a store in Cleveland?  The Fighting Ocho-Cincos take this one.  After watching Hard Knocks, who would have thought they would be a miracle play away from being undefeated?  Not me.