I am back today with my best suggestions as to who each NFC team should draft – whether they want to or not.

NFC East

Dallas Cowboys – Sitting in his War Room on Thursday, I imagine Jerry Jones will command his team to ‘go draft the best’. Afraid of their owner’s wrath, the Cowboys draft Jahvid Best despite a multitude of running backs on the roster. On the bright side, coming from northern California, Best should be able to help Jones expand his wine appreciation to some less popular labels.

New York Giants – After last season’s epic collapse of the Giants running game, there is a need to find some new blood for the Giants backfield. Dexter McCluster, the hybrid running back/receiver out of Ole Miss would finally give the Giants a playmaking threat. And it gives Eli Manning someone to reminisce with about all those crazy nights at the Ole Miss Alpha Delta Pi house out of earshot from the old ball and chain. Man, those AD Pi’s are WILD.  

Philadelphia Eagles – In the last year, the Eagles have jettisoned long time Safety Brian Dawkins, running back Brian Westbrook and quarterback Donovan McNabb. In steps Kevin Kolb at quarterback and LeSean McCoy at running back. Now, the Eagles can draft Eric Berry at Safety. There is no chance that Eagles fans could come up with bad names to call him with a last name like Berry. On the bright side, if that doesn’t motivate him to play well nothing will.

Washington Redskins – The Redskins just traded for a veteran QB that is occasionally shaky and prone to errors in big spots. If Shanahan’s handling of Jake Plummer in Denver is any indication, expect the Skins to draft a talented and arrogant quarterback with little history of winning in college. Coincidentally, that exact phrase is written on Jimmy Clausen’s business cards.

NFC North

Minnesota Vikings – Of course this time of year, there is one big question in Minnesota. Everyone needs to know when the team’s most important player will return. I for one am not worried about it. Joe Nathan’s replacement has done fine in the closer role for the Twins so far. As for that other guy. I would suggest drafting Jevan Snead out of Ole Miss as a potential ‘back-up plan’ but does any Viking fan really have the appetite for dealing with another quarterback out of Mississippi?

Green Bay Packers – In a year after Aaron Rodgers spent most of the snaps running for his life, the Packers need to get some more help on the offensive line. Mike Iupati, the guard out of Idaho is a perfect fit in more ways than one. He is a Samoan from the northwest rather than a redneck from the south, his name has too many vowels at the beginning of it rather than too many consonants at the end. He is the exact opposite of a certain player none too popular around Lambeau these days.

Detroit Lions – After addressing the offense over the last couple of drafts, the Lions need to start shoring up their defense. Gerald McCoy, the defensive tackle out of Oklahoma is a good fit. With a quarterback that couldn’t beat Florida in college and a wide receiver from a mediocre ACC team, it only makes sense to draft a defensive player that couldn’t beat Texas. Now the Lions may achieve their dream of being as good as a second rate college team. Quite a step up over the last few years for the Lions.

Chicago Bears – The Bears should trade up to draft Ndamukong Suh, to help fortify the defensive line with the release of Alex Brown and the inevitable Tommy Harris injury. Plus then Adewale Ogunleye won’t be the toughest pronunciation on the team. Oh wait, the Bears have no picks to trade up since acquiring Jay Cutler? Wow, that trade keeps paying big dividends, huh Bears fans?

NFC South

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – In his first year as head coach, Raheem Morris cleaned house of the veterans that made up one of the better defenses in the league. Now they are one of the worst. I don’t know who the Bucs could draft to improve them but I know one person they won’t draft: Myron Rolle. If Morris’s massive insecurity kept him from keeping Derrick Brooks on the roster, what are the odds he could handle Rhodes Scholar Rolle on his team?

Carolina Panthers – Taylor Mays, USC’s freaky athlete Safety, would be an immediate improvement for the Panthers secondary. And at 6’3”, 230 pounds, he is more than big enough to fend off any practice time attacks by Steve Smith.

Atlanta Falcons – Last year seemed to demonstrate that Michael Turner may have been a one-year wonder in Atlanta. Maybe it is time the Falcons look for another runner for Turner to split carries with. CJ Spiller is the best running back (and maybe athlete) in the draft. Plus coming from Clemson I am sure he is well acquainted with the Georgia Dome turf, home to the Chick Fil-A Peach Bowl where the 3^rd place ACC team annually plays.

New Orleans Saints – They may not need him, but really is there any other team that Tim Tebow should play for? They are named the Saints! During the next hurricane he can hold up the levies by himself.

NFC West

St. Louis Rams – Seeking to re-ignite the offense formerly known as the The Greatest Show on Turf, the Rams will draft Sam Bradford. Bradford is a natural fit after leading Bob Stoops record breaking offense at Oklahoma. As long as the Rams don’t play in a BCS Bowl, I have complete confidence in Sam being able to bring his collegiate success to the pros.

San Francisco Forty-Niners – Always seeking some talent to make their horrid quarterback situation look somewhat mediocre, the Forty-Niners recently traded for Ted Ginn Jr. The perfect player to complement Ginn would be Arrelious Benn out of Illinois. Like Ginn, Benn is an oft-injured, underperforming but speedy and talented wide receiver out of the Big Ten. See? Like they are twins separated at birth.

Seattle Seahawks – Brian Bulaga is the natural fit for the Seahawks. Not only could he potentially step in and address the massive gap left by Walter Jones’ retirement at left tackle but with a last name that sounds like a fish egg appetizer he would fit right at home in a town known best for throwing fish around.

Arizona Cardinals – the Cardinals are still looking for more help on the defensive side of the ball. This offseason they lost linebacker Carlos Dansby and Safety Antrell Rolle but picked up walking mouth Joey Porter and Rex Ryan regurgitation Kerry Rhodes. If the Cardinals draft USC defensive end Everson Griffen not only could he help fortify their defensive line but will also stand in as a hot tub buddy for Matt Leinart, a huge gap on the team currently. That is unless the Cardinals doubt Leinart’s starting ability and trade for Ben Roethlisberger. Big Ben and Leinart on the same team? The ladies of Arizona won’t know what him them. Literally.

It is a Thursday morning at PFB HQ. I arrived home from the City by the Bay late last night and in less than 24 hours we will be taking the official THH road trip to Las Vegas. It is hard to hate much when you are staring right at 3 days of the blackjack tables and sports book in Mandalay Bay. Other than unfriendly dealers of course.

What is it about a pending trip to Vegas that consumes your life? I went to Europe a couple months ago but did I obsess about all things European before going? Did I watch subtitled French art films, eat cheese and drink wine? Did I eat sausage and beer at every meal until the only thing keeping beer from seeping out every pore of my body was that the pores were clogged with pork fat? No, I didn’t. At least no more than usual.

Yet, with a trip to Vegas on the horizon, I am suddenly consumed with gambling. Whether it is innocent sport-picking games on espn.com, watching poker on TV or playing my little handheld blackjack game, it has been all- gambling, all-the-time for me this week. Why is that? I know I am going to lose large amounts of money, so it isn’t like I think all of this work will give me some sort of edge.

All of this makes we wonder if I have wee-bit of a gambling problem. But I don’t think I do for two reasons. First, is that I am too cheap to lose a ton of money. The second is that I have convinced myself that I only really like gambling as a way to stroke the competitiveness that is no longer a daily part of my life as it was back in my younger days. Now, that I am evolving into a decrepit old man that groans when he stands up and sighs when he sits down, I need some competition to keep me going. Demonstrating my superior knowledge through making money is the perfect avenue for that.

What do they say? Admitting you have a problem is the first step? Well, I won’t be taking that step until at least Monday.  

Turner: I learned a valuable lesson this past week… The more you look forward to something, the more disappointed you will be.  That happened as the Shadow and I made a road trip to Lincoln to watch my beloved Sooners take on the Huskers.  My anticipation had been building for the past 4 months for this game.  It had been a dream of mine since I was a kid to go to Lincoln and even though the rivalry (or greatness of the teams) isn’t the same, it brought back so many great memories that caused me to love college football.   I Highly recommend everyone make it to Lincoln for a game, and if you do, you must attend Sidetracks, a local bar full of Huskers and a live band spending the entire time berating the other team with some good ol’ fashioned humor and jesting.  That was pretty much the highlight of the weekend…..

From there the Shadow and I woke up and worked out (not together for either item) and made our way to a local bar for the Iowa game.  I won’t go into any details on that painful experience but to watch a dear friend suffer in misery but try to maintain a positive attitude was not enjoyable.   We then went there and as SD recapped, did a bit of tailgating, beer drinking (me, not the Shadow), and watching pretty much all 80,000 people come up to the Shadow (who was wearing his Iowa Shirt and Hat) and say “Hey man, did you see the Iowa game today” or “Hey man, did Iowa pull it out” or “Hey man, you do know that you lost to Northwestern, right”.  At any rate, the Shadow handled himself much better than I would have, he simply smiled (showing his sharp pointy hawkeye teeth) and said “yep”.   No anger, nothing… I was proud to be near a man (not that near) that had such composure. 

The roles reversed as the University of Oklahoma apparently left their entire football team in Norman (or they stayed at Sidetracks much too long).  To watch your team march past the 50 so many times and yet never score was painful.  But like the Shadow, I never raised my voice or lost my cool (thanks mostly to the 8 year old boy sitting in front of us).  I simply accepted the fact that this season sucks and I drove 8 hours through smelly, flat-land to watch my team lay a gigantic egg.  After the game, the Shadow and I simply walked back to the car with everyone we know asking the same three questions to me that they were asking the Shadow early (except insert “crappy a$$ Sooners” in for “Iowa”).  We held our heads high knowing that it isn’t the end of the world.

Why?  Well of course is because as bad as last weekend was, this weekend will be 100,000,000 times better.  In 48 hours, we’ll be in Vegas and I’m feeling it, starting with my first ever poker tournament on Friday night.  Karma will turn and by the end of the weekend, you will be comparing the names of Turner, SD, and The Shadow to those of famous Vegas lore.  Hopefully the stories will be so deep that we’ll get 2 or three posting out of it next week.  So I bid adieu to Lincoln and welcome the bright lights of Sin City, what a week.

Shadow: The dream is over.  Jimmy Vandenberg’s debut reminded me of the Tommy “Turnover” Maddox era for my Broncos.  To be fair, it was his first extended action, but, dammit……it was Northwestern!  I would like to think we have enough talent to still beat Northwestern even without QB1 and RB1 and RB2.  Sad.  And this was after the Broncos had already succumbed to their first defeat, and have since added on another, and the offense looks atrocious.  The Autumn of the Shadow has now turned into The Fall of the Shadow’s Football Teams.  I am trying hard to focus on this THH, but it is difficult. 

 Last weekend started so promising.  Road trip with Turner to Lincoln for the big Nebraska-OU showdown.  Friday night stop at “Sidetracks”, a local Lincoln joint only open on home game weekends.  Not much talent in the room, although there was plenty on the stage as the Sidetracks Band revved up the crowd by taking well known tunes and replacing the lyrics to either glorify the Huskers or denounce the Sooners, including a rather scathing rendition of Boomer Sooner, where the band went ahead and added on a few verses since the song kind of lacks verbosity.  The other highlight from Sidetracks was that the little old lady leading the band would read anything the crowd would write on cocktail napkins and handed to her.  Let’s just say I heard anatomical references and various descriptions of “coupling” that would have made a sailor blush.  And it was most incongruous to hear it coming out of someone who could be my grandma. 

 Since the big game wasn’t until 7 PM we had plenty of time to get up, watch the Iowa game, and tailgate with the Local Lincolnites.  As everyone knows by now, the day started shitty with Iowa losing their starting quarterback and then their first game.  I had to absorb some good natured ribbing from the locals.  Many Nebraskan fans seemed overjoyed that Iowa had lost.  I took most of it with stoic grace, but one annoying fan that just couldn’t let it go and kept yelling at me that Iowa lost (as if someone walking through Lincoln with a Hawkeye shirt and hat on would not know what had occurred), so I kindly reminded him that Nebraska lost to the J.V. team from the state of Iowa.  They didn’t like this.

 We also got to tailgate with the CEO of our company.  He was really down to earth, and eats Fritos right out of the bag like the rest of us.  No bean dip though.  And he kind of thought I was just a friend of Turner’s rather than realizing that I work for him as well, and in fact spend most of my time making Turner look good…which is a tough job…I probably need a raise.  By the time we got into the luxury suite, and looked out upon the fabled “Sea of Red” it was a pretty amazing site.  I had never been to any big time college games, and it was truly an experience.  Turner’s Holieway jersey ensured we would be showered with wisecracks all game, especially with the game itself a true snoozer.  I am pretty sure both offensive coordinators should have been fired on the spot.

 So we ended the day with a loss for each of our team’s, including SuperDave’s Seminoles, and still had to face the 7 hour drive back to Denver.  If anyone asks me if I would ever do this again, I can answer quite honestly…….Damn Right I would!  Even with the losses, it was a hell of a lot of fun, and a perfect warm-up for the debauchery that will occur this weekend in Las Vegas.

College:

Northwestern @ Illinois

SD: Our theme this week is intrastate rivals – because nothing is harder than picking between two teams in the same state you couldn’t care less about. Our first match-up is the old classic state school v. uppity, smart kid private school (see also: UNC/Duke, Cal/Stanford). Well I am state schooler through and through – from my parents to my collegiate experience to my outlook on life (fun before social standing). So in honor of all those kids out there that weren’t born with a trust fund and didn’t spend their entire high school career only doing what looked best on their college application, I’m cheering for the Illini. Take that silver spoon and shove it Wildcats.

Turner: 1 giant bag of poop to SD for this one.  This is just rubbing it in the Shadow’s wounds.   Under normal circumstances, I’d always go with NW because of their academics and purple but because of the heartbreak they caused my friend (or should I say “my employee” because the Shadow always introduces me as “his boss” versus “his friend” which completely pisses me off every time), I have to go with the Illini.  They ruined last Saturday, likely ruined the Rose Bowl dreams, and even potentially ruined the big game on Saturday versus OSU by breaking Stanzi’s leg.  You might be smart but you weren’t considerate NW.

Shadow: F*cking Northwestern.

Idaho @ Boise State

SD: One of these is the most overrated team in college football since the 2007 Hawaii Rainbow Warriors and set the tone for my college fantasy season by taunting and (most likely) racially slurring my first round draft pick to that point that he sucker-punched a dude, tried to pull a Ron Artest on the crowd and got dismissed for the season (only to be re-instated this week, the first week of my fantasy league playoffs – for which I didn’t qualify thanks to the aforementioned losing of my first round pick in the first game of the entire year. Awesome). The other team is based in Moscow and is nicknamed the Vandals. There isn’t much to like about a state best known for its militias and Senators that like anonymous gay sex in airport bathrooms but aren’t gay, but a city named Moscow and a team named Vandals is one of them. Please Vandals, save the college football world from suffering through this BSU team getting shellacked in an undeserved BCS bowl.  

Turner: Great match up here and having been in Idaho twice in the last month, the entire state is gearing up for this game.  Mark Schlereth of Bronco fame is an Idaho alum and has been talking the Vandals up for the past three weeks on ESPN.  I’m going to have jump on the Vandal bandwagon on this one only due to the fact that BSU has been whining about how great they are when they really aren’t.  They need to go down now so we can stop listening to them think they deserve to be on the big stage.  I don’t mind a TCU or even a Cincy but Boise has done absolutely nothing to impress me over the last month (ok – since Oregon) so I just want the smurfs to be quiet for a while so we can focus on the future of Idaho football.

Shadow: Congrats Idaho!  You get my vote.  Boise State- if you are wondering why I hate you, you can thank Eric Weaver who works for 5280 Solutions right down the road from your Smurf Turfed stadium.  His obnoxiousness about why if Boise State runs the table next year they will definitely be in the national title game made me start to feel intense hatred for all things Boise State. 

NFL:

Tampa Bay @ Miami

SD: The battle of the sunshine state.  I have never cheered much for the Dolphins, mostly because I had a long-running Marino vs. Elway debate with my huge Dolphin friend Doug. Actually I should say ‘have’ not ‘had’ because the debate still rages to this day – a full decade after Elway proved without a doubt that he was the better quarterback. Doug is just a little slow. Anyway, with that I would lean toward the Bucs – but don’t think I haven’t forgotten what they did to the incomparable Derrick Brooks this offseason and don’t think I haven’t immensely enjoyed every single point scored on this inept team. If Jay Cutler weren’t in the league, Raheen Morris might be the most hated NFL individual around PFB HQ these days. But, even my cheering for the Dolphins doesn’t change how much better Elway was than Marino.

Turner: Tampa Bay is on my sh**-list right now.   Why?  Because I was there a few weeks ago and wanted a tag-along (you know those peanut butter girl scout cookies) blizzard from Dairy Queen.  First off there is only 1 DQ in the entire city which blows my mind since you can find a wings place and a Waffle House on every corner.  And that 1 DQ didn’t carry the Tag-along brand of blizzard because “they aren’t very popular”.  I’m sorry, who just said that to me?  It was ridiculous that the Thin Mint or Samoa would be better in a blizzard than a tag-along…… I get back to Denver and within 24 hours, the Shadow has one on my desk.  That is service and quality that I expect from a city.  One that obviously that is something I can’t expect from Tampa Bay.  While I don’t know if Miami offers the tag-along, they can offer me a Cuban (sandwich or Cigar) and South Beach.

Shadow: Flowers……..Plumber……….Candygram.  How can you root against a team that plays in Landshark Stadium?  Go Dolphins.

[Editor Note: While that is a fantastic reference by the Shadow, no reader under the age of 30 is going to understand it – so let me just add  this]

Atlanta @ Carolina

SD: So, they aren’t in the same state – sue me. I can only work with what the NFL schedule makers gave me. But they are pretty close, especially when you factor in the Panther intentionally going with ‘Carolina’ rather than ‘North Carolina’ where they are actually located in the hopes of confusing South Carlinians into cheering for them as well. Which, given these are the people who believed that McCain had an illegitimate bi-racial daughter in 2000 and therefore inflicted 8 years of Dubya on us, is a reasonable assumption. Contrast this with the Falcons, who joined the league back in the days when the only reasonable name being the city where you are located (other than the greedy Patriots who preemptively claimed an entire region for themselves). It is almost a giant ‘F-you’ to the rest of Georgia. Basically saying, we don’t want your kind cheering for us. Judging by the number of empty seats at a typical Falcon game, this plan was a great success. But I like the elitism of going with the city name, so for that I am cheering on the Falcons in this one.

Turner: It annoys me that cities that generally have good weather have stadiums that are solely indoors.   For that reason, Atlanta needs to go down this week.  I use to hate them because of Vick but now I’ve moved on and can find other reasons and this week it is this one.  I like Jake Dehlomme (as my 5^th string starter in fantasy) so I hope they prevail.

Shadow: Seeing as it is Veteran’s Day, I will be rooting for the Air Force Fighting Falcons!  What?  Huh?  It’s the Atlanta Falcons?  Oh well, whatever.  Close enough.

Typically on a fall weekend in Colorado when someone discusses the radical differences between Saturday and Sunday, the topic is the weather. However, the same could be said of the football games played this weekend. On Saturday, almost universally the top teams played poorly against average competition and barely held on for a number of un-inspired wins. On Sunday, the best teams made statements, while the pretenders showed their Achilles heel. Let’s jump right into comments and observations from each day as I am sure I will come back later this week with a special Monday Night Football discussion of tonight’s Broncos/Chargers game. Though, unlike Jon Gruden I may actually say something negative about someone.

The biggest early game of Saturday should come with an asterisk, sort of like A-Rod’s career.  Actually isn’t it interesting that now that A-Rod is off the roids (presumably) he is coming through in October? Maybe all that talk about roids shrinking someone’s balls is true.

Anyway the Texas’s win over OU should come with an asterisk for two reasons. The first is that UT played poorly and really didn’t deserve to win the game. The second is that OU still could have won even with Sam Bradford getting hurt once again early in the game. You know it is a bad game when it could be argued that the healthy winning quarterback of the game did more damage to his Heisman chances than the injured losing quarterback.

The most interesting thing to me is the impact of losing Bradford. If you had asked me before the season, which of the big three teams could best withstand the loss of their quarterback I would have said OU, with all of the talent around Bradford and the history of success with mediocre quarterbacks (insert Jason White joke here). But if you compare OU to UF last weekend in Baton Rouge the difference is stark. Where UF could use an impaired Tebow as a decoy for the entire first half and let other players carry the weight of the game, without Bradford OU looks lost. Especially with an offensive line that blocks only slightly better SPF -8 and wide receivers incapable of getting open against the UT secondary.

With UT failing to impress, Nebraska getting trounced by Texas Tech and KU losing to the embarrassment that is CU football, the real question is whether any Big 12 team deserves to get to the BCS title game? Last year, after a season in which the Big 12 was touted (at least by me) as being as strong as the SEC, their performance was exposed in the bowls. This year from top to bottom they look even more mediocre. Really at this point, can anyone definitively say that the Big 12 is better than the ACC? Virginia Tech beat Nebraska, Miami beat Oklahoma. The only difference between the two if you ask me is that the ACC is deeper and the Big Twelve has a better PR department.

Moving on to the mid-afternoon games, we had UF survive their annual ‘lose a home game to a lesser SEC team’ scare. In fact, no one should have been surprised by Saturday’s game, here is what one leading football writer said in the pre-season:

While it is true that UF’s schedule is only slightly more difficult than SMU’s, everyone should remember that UF has the bad habit of taking off one Saturday each season – unfortunately not during their bye week. The obvious candidate would be at LSU. I would point out that their slip-ups tend to occur in the Swamp but the Gators home schedule is a joke. FSU may be the only legitimate team coming into the Swamp and not even the kids who he circumcised think Tebow is going to lose his final home game to a rival. Really, the only other team coming into the Swamp that could surprise would be Arkansas but I did some research and they are still coached by Bobby Petrino.

Yes, I am once again, quoting myself. What can I say, that guy is really smart. Other than that comment about FSU being a legitimate team of course.

A sidenote before actually discussing the game. Has anyone else noticed  that no UF commercials ever mention whether the school is any good? Whether it was that ridiculous “Go Gator” commercial or the new “When did you become a gator” commercial, they never discuss anything any Gator has ever accomplished other than making the rest of the world hate them for their undeserved feeling of superiority. Unless jean shorts and mullets really do make you better than the rest of us.

In the game itself, how bad was the reffing on the 4^th quarter drive when UF scored a TD to tie it up? There were two such blatantly bad calls on Arkansas that even head Gator cheerleader Gary Danielson (the man who forced me to devise the phrase ‘unzip for easier access’ to describe his analysis of Tebow) was disgusted by it. Apparently the SEC commish is as convinced as the Pollsters that UF is the best team in the country and will do anything he can to get them to the title game.

Unfortunately for Arkansas after settling for field goals (and missed field goal attempts) after too many bad throws in the red zone, there was never a doubt who would win this game after the final missed field goal. Seriously, the Razorbacks should have just headed for the buses and beat the traffic because there was no doubt that Tebow, his girlfriend Riley Cooper (and his blatant but never called offensive pass interference game plan) and the Gators were going to score.

In the pro game on Sunday, for the most part the real contenders showed who they were. The much-hyped Saints/Giants game was over before the second commercial break. When your team relies on strong defense and a running game and neither show up, it is going to be a long day. I haven’t seen wide receivers run that wide open since the last FSU game.

Up in Foxborough, the Titans appeared to give up the moment the first snow flake hit the ground. I know they were good last year, but that team is done. Jeff Fisher is a great coach but sort of like the Broncos of last year, the organization needs a good shaking up.

Really, there were only two really good games all day – and no Jets/Buffalo fans that ugly display was not one of them.

First in Minnesota, we had the highly strategic game plan I like to call Brett Favre and the hail mary offense. Once again we will hear endlessly about Favre, without noting he basically blindly chucked a ball 40 yards downfield and his receiver made a great play to catch it.

The more interesting part was what occurred after that catch. Brad Childress ran the ball three times to burn some clock and position the team for a field goal. A good plan with 30 seconds remaining. Not so good when you are lining up for the field goal (to only take a 2 point lead no less) at the two minute warning. Sure enough, after the made field goal the Ravens marched right down the field and had their own game winning field goal attempt. Only a horribly shank on that kick will keep Childress from being ridiculed for his horrendous game strategy.

Humorously, this all demonstrated how sometimes fans are smarter than coaches or their more conservative brethren in the announcing booth. Dan Dierdorf couldn’t understand at all why the Vikings fans were booing the runs up the middle. He laughed about the runs being good strategy to burn an extra few seconds that an incomplete pass would save. True Dan. If you choose to ignore that those precious seconds left over two minutes and only gave the Vikings a lead that wouldn’t hold up to a made field goal. The fans were right, you have to keep going for a touchdown or at least a first down to burn more clock. Childress is trying to keep his job by coaching like he wears a skirt. What is your excuse Dan?

Also, did you catch Favre’s reaction after the missed Raven field goal? He had to ask Tavares Jackson whether they made it. Boy, that is leadership! A quarterback who doesn’t even care enough about whether the team wins or loses to try and watch a potential game-losing field goal.

Between, Favre’s interest in only furthering his legend and Childress’s incompetence I am very excited for the Vikings to be the high-seed who gets beaten at home by a wild-card team this year.

Our nightcap featured two under the radar one-loss teams in the Bears and Falcons. I could take this time to gloat over Jay Cutler’s second failure in a nationally televised game (6 interceptions and 2 losses on Sunday nights this year) but I will not.

Instead I will note that every Bronco fan in the country was 98% sure Cutler would throw a pick on that final drive. So, from that perspective his game ending incomplete pass into quadruple coverage actually may have been a sign of maturity. Good sign Bears fans!

In a completely unrelated note through five games, Kyle Orton has thrown one interception– a meaningless pick on a hail mary at the end of the first half against the Patriots.

Actually, a real time update on Orton’s stats. 6 weeks, 1 interception, 6 wins.  I still need a couple days to process yet another shocking Bronco win, so we will pick up here next time.

It’s my first week back after a two week vacation, so to call me unmotivated to work would be the bigger understatement than saying that Jon and Kate might not be quite worthy of the attention they are getting.

After spending the entire week debating via email whether the second winningest coach in major college football deserved to keep his job three weeks after beating the #7 team in the country by 30-points in their home stadium, I am in a particularly hateful mood for today’s THH. So, to keep myself in check, I have decided to use a theme for my picks. In honor of my recently completed trip in which I walked in the footsteps of Ernest Hemingway (sometimes metaphorically, sometimes literally), I have decided to use the literary giants of each THH location to decide this week’s winners.

Turner: Unfortunately Turner has to be short and sweet this week, still recovering from having to shave off his Landry Jones mustache after his Sooners laid an egg last week in Miami (as predicted)….. One week tune-up here with Baylor…. On a positive note, my Fantasy football trade of Drew Brees, Dwain Bowe and Reggie Bush for Phillip Rivers, Brandon Jacobs and Anquin Boldin made me very happy. Brees topped off in week 1 and anytime I can unload Reggie Bush, it is a good day.

Shadow: As I write this, I am 67 hours away from my 5th trip to Mile High 2.0 to see the Broncos play that wonderful sport known around the world as “American Football”.  I have seen wins (against the Raiders and Bucs) and losses (against the Steelers and Patriots).  I have lived the high-life (corporate suite with free food and drinks and a great view of the cheerleaders) and the really high-life (very top row of the stadium right between the north uprights for a cold MNF game against the Pats……it figures that is where tickets you win on the radio would be).  But, there has been one thing missing.  I have never seen a game with good friends.  Nothing against my wife, my father, my brother-in-law, or my son……but I am amped up to see a game live with Turner and SuperDave.  It will be hard to work up much hatred going into a weekend that could see my Yankees take a commanding lead in the ALDS, the Hawkeyes beat down Michigan, and a chilly Sunday afternoon at the Stadium.  But I will try.

 Footnote:  The Dodgers just tied Game 2 in the bottom of the ninth in part due to a Matt Holliday error.  I remember his error in the Padres play-in game that almost did in the Rockies in 2007…so I feel for you Redbird fans.

College

Alabama @ Ole Miss

SD: The obvious literary representative for Ole Miss would be Oxford local William Faulkner. Representing Bama would be…ummm…I suppose Bear Bryant probably wrote a book or something. Actually there is only one book that I think of when I think of Bama – the modern classic that is: Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer. Unfortunately for Ole Miss, I once tried to read a Faulkner book in middle school for a book report and didn’t finish 4 chapters (yet did surprisingly well on the subsequent report). Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer I have read several times. Roll Tide

Turner: Colonel Rebel is one of the best mascots ever, you add that to the Grove and you have the makings of GREAT college football… If only Peyton would have lived up to his Dad and brother’s legacy, it would have been perfect….. Plus, 100 bonus points for ‘Blind Side’ (Shadow – please read the freakin’ book)… Oh yeah, I hate Bama

[SD Note: I can’t believe that I skipped over The Blind Side. That would have really helped out Ole Miss. That and factoring in the co-eds.]

Shadow: You know what I hate?  I hate coaches without loyalty to any contract or situation.  I am looking at you Nick Saban.  Plus, I still remember the Rebels dealing the Fighting Tebows their last loss.  I just can’t generate any hatred for them.  Go Rebels.

Auburn @ Arkansas

SD: Unlike certain other schools in the south, I can’t say that Arkansas and Auburn are hotbeds of literary geniuses. Unless you count Bill Clinton’s immortal “it depends on what the definition of ‘is’ is”speech. In fact that most literary thing I can come up with for these schools are their cheers: ‘Pig-Sooey’ for the Razorbacks and ‘War-Eagle’ for Auburn. Clearly, the edge in this epic battle goes to Arkansas. Auburn’s mascot is the Tiger – yet they yell ‘War Eagle’? What is that? Do they want to cover every possible ‘completely overused mascot’ base? Lame. Give me the calling of the hogs any day. It may be so stereotypical as to border on satirical, but at least it is original.

Turner:  Full bore Razorbacks on this one.  Mostly because I feel very anti-Alabama this week.  Since I said I hate Bama then naturally I just have to dislike Auburn, mostly because they were the only thing between my Mustangs and a national championship in swimming back in the late 90’s.  I know for a fact that Mustangs can swim faster than Tigers….  Razorbacks DOMINATE this one and send Auburn to their first loss.  WOOOOOOOOO  PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG  SUUEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYY

Shadow:  Did you know that the Heisman Trophy is named for a former Auburn coach?  Me neither, but it really makes me mad, because Iowa has only ever had one Hesiman trophy winner (Nile Kinnick in 1939).  “Woooooo, Pig…Sooooooie!!” 

Footnote part Deux:  The Dodgers just won.  Poor Matt Holliday fans.

NFL

Atlanta @ San Francisco

SD: A little twist on the battle of local authors in this one. In this corner, we have Atlanta’s own Margaret Mitchell, author (author-ess?) of Gone with the Wind. In the other corner we have San Francisco’s George Lucas – he of Star Wars. This contest might be more one-sided than Rhett Butler challenging Obi-Wan-Kenobi to a sword fight. Even playing with the handicap that is Jar Jar Binks, George Lucas trounces Margaret Mitchell and then cuts open her belly and sleeps inside of it.

Turner: MICHAEL CRABTREE SIGNS!!  Yes, my Niners are returning to GLORY and I much prefer BART over MARTA.  Not even close in terms of the number of germs contained within the Atlanta transit system.

Shadow: I hate the Braves way more than the Giants.  Go SF!

Seattle @ Jacksonville

SD: In a battle of the home-away-from-home locations for Turner and I, it all comes down to the music. That’s right, Pearl Jam versus Lynyrd Skynyrd. One could argue this could really be framed as pro-Neil Young versus anti-Neil Young, however I choose not to look at it that way. Not when you have the brilliant song-writing of Pearl Jam. Think about the modern classic Yellow Ledbetter:

“On the sea there, on the portside vetta, say, let me say, I wanna leave it again.

Once I saw him on a beachside weather, said I’m gonna say, I wanna leave it again.

On the reavan, onna wish it on the way, yeah and I call on a say and wont wanna say and I call out again ”

Not even Free Bird can compete with that kind of poetry. Rock on Seahawks.

Turner: SuperDave tries to pit the Nelnet office against his adopted work hometown of Seattle in this one. Unfortunately he failed to realize that my affection for Jacksonville and the humidity and the state of florida is about on the same level as raw onions, turnips and toe fungus.  I’m not sure that I can really name a whole lot in Jax that makes me want to cheer other than some of my great co-workers down there (SHOUT OUT TO THE NELNET!).  The bugs, snakes, mosquitos and alligators just doesn’t make for a lovely place.   PLUS, anytime you can get skiing and ocean within hours of each other, it might be heaven….. (even with the rain and Microsoft).

Shadow: My hatred of the Jags has been well established, plus, is it just me, or does anyone else sort of pull for the Seahawks because they used to be in the AFC West?  Let’s win one for “the Boz”.

With the official start of the NFL this week we are now back at full speed football season – this week I have a college team, a college fantasy team, an NFL team and a pro fantasy team to cheer on. Four different teams to worry about? That is a lot of stress. Why again have I been pining seven months for the start of football season? Football may be fun, but I am pretty sure I would live a lot longer without it – due to the inordinate amount of stress and the eating of inordinate amount of food that is so unhealthy it is borderline toxic.

However, I need to make the most of these next few football days. I am going to Oktoberfest in Munich next week and staying in Europe for a couple weeks beyond that, so I will be taking a little break from football.

While my Griswoldian vacation may help with my football related stress, I don’t imagine it will help much in the healthy food department.

Anyway, we are back with the full slate of NFL and college games this week. Given, that I have written more this week than Bill Simmons has written since the end of the NBA season, I have one word for my picks this week – brevity.

Before we dive in, Turner and the Shadow have something to say.

 Turner: Hello Readers for Week 2 of the THH.  Despite the Debacle in Dallas and the Torture in Tallahassee, Super Dave and I survived the first week of college football even though it couldn’t have started worse for either of us.  Only Hawkeye Shadow escaped with a ‘win’ (I use that term lightly since it was a D-II, FCS or whatever they call that other league now where you have a compass direction before your mid-western state’s name).  How can being 1.9 quarters into a college football season suddenly make your shoulders slump, oh it is b/c it popped out of joint with the rest of Cherokee Nation.  While OU / BYU made us suffer through 4 quarters of mistake-prone football, FSU and Miami treated us to what hopes to be the return of great SE college football.  Even though the result wasn’t what Super Dave or I wanted, it was a well played game with excitement. OH – and as Super Dave told me, when Miami wins in a given year, that mean OU beats UT.   So despite both our pain, hopefully a mediocre OU team can destroy the **************  (insert any word you like) Longhorn’s dreams.

Shadow: Well, let’s see.  My college team is the only one that managed a win in Week 1, but the Hawkeyes still fell out of the Top 25.  I would say the first game is an okay game to lost if you are going to run the table, but with OU players dropping like flies, and the tough schedule Florida State has…I just don’t see it happening.  Not that Iowa is going to finish with fewer losses than OU or FSU, though.  Could be a long and disappointing year.  On top of that, my hatred is not powerful, as only one of my week 1 prediction’s came to pass.

Have you heard of this new fangled thing called Facebook?  My wife uses it on average 2 hours a day.  I bored of it after about the same amount of usage time.  It was fun to reconnect with old friends, but do I really need to know what people are up at any time, or be subjected to finding out the color of my Aura, which Friends character I am, or have my cell phone charger $2.95 so I can prove I can beat the IQ test score of Britney Spears?  I think not.  For the THH, whichever school or team has more Facebook fans will incur the wrath of my Hatred…not that it means much,***

***Eye Candy Loophole:  when going to the respective Facebook pages to find out their number of fans, if one of the 6 fans they show is super hot, I am allowed to not hate them, even if the pure numbers say I should.

College:

Syracuse @ Penn State

SD: Syracuse quarterback Greg Paulus spent the last four years playing point guard at Duke. Penn State coach Joe Paterno spent the last four years guarding against going dookie in his pants and having people point at him. Advantage: Cuse.

Turner: Ok – a lot of indifference here for Turner.  He pretty much took geography out of it since they are so close, and my hatred of Big East vs. Big 11 is pretty much equal, so I’m going to have to go with the random fact of hate.

Fact of the game:  did you know that they are no longer called the “Orangemen”?  Now they are just the “Orange”.   Really – you name your team after a fruit because “It was done in part as a way to save money, and build brand awareness. Before the change, women’s teams were called the Orangewomen and the various athletic teams had their own logos”.  Seriously, this might be the sign that our economy had taken such a bad turn that it is not recoverable.  Why you name your team after a fruit (and that doesn’t count the Banana slugs), you deserve to be disliked (not hated b/c I like a good Orange – love the vitamin C) more than someone that plays in a place called Happy Valley.  That is just very peaceful.  So for this one, I’ll rally behind Jo Pa and against the wanna-be QB and squeeze the juice.

 Shadow: Syracuse FB Fans:  374 fans,  Penn State FB fans:  92,013 fans (ECLH:  close, there was a picture of two hot girls…if they had been kissing maybe I would have enacted the loophole).  I gladly hate Penn State.  Go Orange.

 East Carolina @ West Virginia

 SD: I have said it before and I will say it again: in a choice between a state that doesn’t actually exist and West Virginia. I choose the state that doesn’t exist.

 Turner: First off, you never go against a Pirate, they will kick your booty.  Second, you don’t go against teams wearing purple, that is why Furman went away from being the Furman University Christian Knights and moved towards the Purple Paladins – or maybe it was the acronym of the former).  And lastly, after a few years ago, I still remember the Fiesta Bowl. Bitter, still very bitter.  Might be the only time in my THH history that I want East to beat West.

 Shadow: East Carolina FB Fans:  1,700 fans.  West Virginia FB Fans:  5,684 fans  (ECLH:  not sure what this says of WVU, but there weren’t any women at all of the 6 fans shown).  Look for the Pirates to beat the Mountaineers.

 NFL:

Miami @ Atlanta

 SD: When Atlanta hosted the 2000 Super Bowl, an ice storm hit the city, Ray Lewis may have killed a guy with a trident and Kurt Warner was the MVP. I spent that weekend in Miami drinking heavily on South Beach, making bad Ace Ventura jokes and eating tacos at 3 in the morning. I won then and I hope the Dolphins win now.

 Turner: Again – major indifference here.   I don’t like Hurricanes, don’t really like beaches, can’t stand humidity and dislike riding MARTA.  This one comes down to who I’d rather sit down and watch on TV and that would be the Falcons.  I like the black and red uniforms, I think Matt Ryan is a stud, their running back has the GREATEST last name, and the dumped Vick.  Without any great reason, I’m going to go against the 85 degrees and thousands of beautiful women for a good three hours of watching a rising team play football.  I really think I need a life….

 Shadow: Miami FB Fans:  304 fans.  Atlanta FB Fans:  2,073 fans.  (ECLH:  apparently on FB, “Hotlanta” it is not).  Ronnie Brown will Wildcat the Dolphins to the win.

 NY Jets @ Houston

SD: Texans offensive coordinator is Kyle Shanahan, son of former Bronco head coach Mike. Jets offensive coordinator is Brian Schottenheimer, son of former Browns and Chargers head coach Marty. Too bad Jack Elway isn’t playing quarterback for Houston. Regardless – go Texans.

 Turner: NY J-E-T-S, JETS, JETS, JETS vs. Houston Texans:   I despise Joe Namath, I don’t like Green and White, and I HATE anything that starts with New York (except cheesecake and pizza).  The only thing that makes this close is the word “Texans” which makes me cringe as well but at least it doesn’t remind me of rats, trash and dead bodies washing up on shore.

 Shadow: Jets FB Fans:  3,832 fans. (ECLH:  We have our first and only enactment of the loophole.  Kerri Barcia was one of the 6 fans shown.  Granted it was kind of a staged “glamour” shot, but she won me over).   Houston FB Fans:  1,074 fans.  Sorry Texans, you need more talent in your FB fanbase.  J-E-T-S, JETS! JETS! JETS!

Looking back at yesterday’s AFC preview you may feel like my pick is too boring. I mean I pick the Patriots every year – what kind of limb is that going out on? I will tell you what kind of limb – a strong, healthy nice and thick limb with a genius in a cut-off hoodie binding it to the trunk. You may argue that your mother-in-law would pick the Patriots, that it takes no skill at all. But, after I congratulate you on having an extremely wise mother-in-law I would ask if it is foolish to pick the best-run organization in the league with some of the best talent?

You may make a name for yourself by being the only person in the country to pick the Cardinals, but if you pick them every year you were wrong 42 times. Call me crazy, but there are 2 teams in the AFC far and away better than every other team – the Pats and Steelers. To me, it is a coin flip between them.

I landed on tails – Patriots.

Anyway, today is a new day and as I write this intro, I can honestly say I have no idea who I will pick to win the NFC a couple thousand words below. I don’t come in with some grand strategy to justify a firmly held belief as to who will go to the Super Bowl. Much like my March Madness strategy, I simply let each individual match-up result in an ultimate outcome.

So, let’s find out together who will the 2009 NFC…

NFC East

The popular pick these days is the Eagles. They fortified their offensive line, picked up another fragile skill player in Jeremy Maclin and locked down the support of the pro-Baby Seal Clubbing lobby with the signing of Michael Vick. On the negative side, they lost their defensive guru to cancer, signed yet another fragile skill player and ensured every McNabb interception will elicit “We want Vick” chants from the crowd. I call that a wash. On the other hand, the Giants were the best team in the game for much of last year; only falling apart after Plaxico took an old saying just a little too literally. With an entire offseason to adjust to a Plaxico-less world (including drafting Hakeem Nicks who has Burress’ athletic gifts but not his itchy trigger finger) and the return of Osi Umenyiora to their defense, I say the Giants return to their place atop the division. What about the Cowboys and Redskins, you ask? Well, they are both worth a lot. I guess that counts for something.

Winner: Giants (11-5)

Wild Card: Eagles (10-6)

NFC North

Probably the most interesting yet simultaneously least likable division in football, the Tom Cruise division if you will. With Old Man Winter unretiring yet again for a 2009 Spite World Tour and coming back to the Vikings and the acquisition of Cry-Baby Jay in Chicago, there are now 3 teams with legitimate plans to win this division (sorry Lions – win one game and then we’ll talk). As I have discussed I just do not believe Favre makes the Vikings better. Combining his appearance changing the Viking’s offensive personality with the probability he will get hurt at some point and I see the Vikings underachieving. As far as Cutler is concerned  – I just don’t get it. It is pretty much universally agreed that no one likes Jay Cutler. Yet, despite never being a winner (I mean never, he last won the same year Matt Cassell last started) and being hated by everyone including his own parents (that’s conjecture on my part), he is going to be the galvanizing force that propels the Bears to the Super Bowl? Really? That’s not the Jay I know. The Jay I know will whine, complain and point fingers the moment something goes wrong. The self-destructions in both Minnesota and Chicago will leave Green Bay as the clear cut champions. With a strong, reliable leader at quarterback, a revamped defense and good receivers all the Packers need to do is re-discover their running game. No pressure Ryan Grant.

Winner: Packers (11-5)

Wild Card: None

NFC South

In the merry-go-round that is the NFC South each year brings a new surprise team. Last year the Falcons were the out-of-nowhere team that rose from the ashes and made the playoffs. This year I think it will be the Saints. Much like a plane crash survivor always trembles at the least turbulence, I just can’t forget the horrific display put on by Jake Delhomme in the playoffs last year. Despite a great defense and great running game, Jake’s presence single-handedly ends any consideration I might make for the Panthers. Yes, his performance last January was that bad. Remember how your feelings about U2 changed after the Zooropa tour? That is me and Jake right now. The Bucs are in what could charitably be described as re-building mode. I tend to think of it more as self-destruction mode what with choosing to start Byron Leftwich and Cadillac Williams behind a shaky offensive line – no injury concerns there. The Falcons should be as good as last year. Unfortunately they play a significantly tougher schedule and have higher expectations so being as good won’t be good enough. That leaves the Saints. A team that has been the ‘IT’ team more often over the last five years than Reggie Bush has been identified as a potential fantasy sleeper. It is only fitting, now that everyone has given up on Reggie ever being anything more than Kim Kardashian’s purse holder that the Saints finally live up to their hype.

Winner: Saints (10-6)

Wild Card: Falcons (9-7)

NFC West

Remarkably, the NFC West is the home of our defending NFC champions. Its’ true – you can look it up. Even stranger, that team is named the Cardinals! So, naturally they are the favorites again this year, right? Sorry, desert dwellers I am not buying it. Losing both coordinators and relying on stubble-ific, god-fearing grandpappy Kurt Warner makes me think the 8-8 regular season is more emblematic of your team than the unbelievable ‘Cardanuary’ performance turned in by Larry Fitzgerald. Maybe my year in the Emerald City has caused me to drink the latte about the Seahawks but I think they are the winners of the NFC West. They have finally found a receiver and their already strong defense got better with the arrival of Aaron Curry. As long as Hasselbeck can stay healthy and they find some semblance of a running game, I think the Seahawks have enough to win this division. This is the point where I make a joke about the Forty-Niners and Rams. Unfortunately there is nothing funny about what has happened to these two teams in the last 5 years.

Winner: Seahawks (10-6)

Wild Card: None

Playoffs

Wildcard:

Eagles @ Saints: Much like the Suns of the mid-nineties in the NBA, the Saints demonstrate that a high-flying offense alone isn’t enough to win in the playoffs. TV commentators across the country rejoice in being able to recycle the age-old cliché that ‘defense wins championships’ as high quality analysis.

Falcons @ Seahawks: The inaugural Jim Mora Bowl. Do you trust a southern Dome team to win in Seattle in January? Me neither.

Divisional Playoffs:

Seahawks @ Giants: Two years ago, I never would have imagined that I would take Eli over Hasselbeck in a playoff game. Like ripples from a drop of water, the repercussions from that Super Bowl upset of the Patriots just won’t end.

Eagles @ Packers: Unlike the Saints, the Packers have a little defense to help their high-scoring offense. Therefore, unlike the Saints, the Eagles won’t beat the Packers.

NFC Championship:

Packers @ Giants: Apparently I am feeling very 2007 – as we have a re-match of the NFC Championship game. I tried to warn you that I discounted everything that happened last year. The final proof that I am feeling so 2007? No, not that I will be watching Heroes every week. Instead, I come up with a Super Bowl re-match.

NFC Champion: New York Giants

Super Bowl XXIV

Giants vs. Patriots: Unlike Super Bowl XXII, this time the Patriots finish the job.