Last year, in the inaugural ‘Doubling Down’ series, I had a shockingly successful run in picking both halftime and full time playoff games against the spread.  So let’s try it again and see if it was a fluke or if I should sell my home, move to Vegas and drive hookers around in a brand new Mercedes.

I think we all should stand up today and thank the University of Clemson.

We all face pressure every day. We all want to do our best when thrust in the spotlight. We all grow up dreaming of catching the winning touchdown pass, making the game winning shot or landing that perfect triple-lutz to steal the ice-skating gold from that Russian bitch who totally doesn’t deserve it but got great scores from the French judge because of some backroom deal even though she put that hand down on her last jump….umm…I think I’ve said too much.

But sadly most of us will not do any of those things. Most of us will endure mediocre athletic careers that see many more failures than successes. And even successes that can’t measure up to our lofty childhood dreams.

This is why we owe Clemson big thanks today. While many of us will fail to achieve our goals, almost none of us will fail as spectacularly or as publicly as Clemson did in the Orange Bowl last night.

We have seen a new bottom, and it isn’t us.

Go forth with head held high, knowing no matter what you do today, someone has done something significantly worse.

NY Giants vs. Atlanta

Halftime: NY Giants (-2)

Full Game: NY Giants (-3)

I really don’t want to pick this Giants team.

(What’s with all of the ‘this team’ stuff? Why am I suddenly the Jon Gruden of little read corners of the internet?)

A few years ago, I mercilessly mocked the Giants for even making the playoffs and spent countless words comparing Eli Manning to the kid from Dazed and Confused that is always pinching the bridge of his nose for no reason. They responded to my taunts by winning 3 road playoff games and then pulling off the greatest upset in Super Bowl history, so I like to think I did my part to usher in Michael Strahan’s retirement.

You are welcome.

This Giants team (SEE?? AGAIN!), reminds me a lot of that team. Underwhelming performance (they lost to the Redskins 3 weeks ago!! And the announcers keep saying that they are ‘peaking’!). A hit or miss running game. Defense that can dominate or disappear. Eli “I always look like I would rather be at an amusement park” Manning under center.

I could see them winning by 4 touchdowns or losing by 3. If I were in Vegas I wouldn’t touch this game with Justin Blackmon’s infected ‘thigh’. But I am committed to making picks, so I will take the Giants at both halftime and over the full game for 2 reasons.

1 – That 2007 team. Those who don’t remember the past…and all that

2 – The Falcons still have Tony Gonzalez who is genetically incapable of winning a playoff game or being criticized by the media. Where Shannon Sharpe helped win games by sheer force of personality, Tony seems to lose games the same way. Never count on Tony (or Matt Ryan, or Michael Turner) to come through in the clutch. Especially on the road.

Sorry Eli, at least one more week before you get to go ride the Tea Cups again.

Denver vs. Pittsburgh

Halftime: Pittsburgh (-5.5)

Full Game: Pittsburgh (-8.5)

And so it ends where it all began – my hometown Broncos.

We are here because for weeks on end, Tebow was able to perform magic tricks that would have impressed David Blaine (“elevation – PFFFT – try knocking the ball out of a runner’s hand without getting near him!”).

Unfortunately, Tebow strapped on a straightjacket and blindfold and locked himself in a box filled with water 3 weeks ago. The struggle stopped 2 weeks ago and the bubbles stopped on Sunday. The magic is over and we are left with a carcass getting riper by the week.

But – lo, I just saw the body twitch. The straps on the straightjacket appear to be coming undone. There may be a little life left in that body after all.

Big Ben comes in limping. Mendenhall is out for the season. Ryan Clark can’t play at altitude. The Steelers are the better team but they aren’t a dominant team.

The Patriots dominated the Broncos by capitalizing on mistakes and with an overwhelming offensive show. Frankly, the Steelers don’t have an offense like that (see: Week 17; 13 points scored at Cleveland where they spot you 3 points if you make it to the stadium on time).

Will the Steelers win? Yes, most likely – the Chiefs just won in Denver. Will they win by more than 8.5 (or higher, spread has been climbing up to near 10)? I don’t think so.

Take the Steelers and give the points at half (7-0, 14-7, etc.). Take the Broncos and the points for the full game (14-7, 17-10, 17-14).

The magician may not make it out of that water-tight box, but he will come awfully close.

Early fall is my favorite time of year. The air has cooled and football permeates everything. Yet, when you really think about fall, much of what we love about it is defined by what it isn’t. It isn’t the scorching hot days of summer and it isn’t the cold, desolate winter. It is the in-between. Even the football season is in-between. Football’s regular season decides little. It is the pre-amble to the playoffs and bowl season where championships are won.  

Yet this year, a dark cloud hangs over my pumpkin carving, leaf raking happiness. I upgraded this off-season to a full Nuggets season ticket package just in time to have no games.  David Stern and Billy Hunter (as well as, apparently Kevin Garnett) are conspiring to ruin my favorite time of year, and therefore my entire year.

After negotiations between the NBA and players ended as abruptly as The Sopranos last night, we now face an entire winter with no NBA and it feels like my fall has been taken from me as well. My football teams are already done for the season. I should be a week away from spending my every night consoling myself by watching the NBA, but instead I will have to either talk myself into becoming a hockey fan, grow a mullet and start drinking Molson or commit myself to college basketball more fully than the players that actually play college basketball.

I haven’t spent enough time analyzing the NBA issues to decide who is right and who is wrong – mostly I suspect both sides are wrong. I understand that teams are losing money thanks to declining attendance and rising player costs but I find it hard to feel sympathy for successful businessmen that are asking for someone else to regulate how much they pay players because they can’t trust themselves. How did you make your billions not understanding the concept of cost/benefit? The billionaires on Wall Street are desperately fighting any attempt at regulating their reckless activities that can literally wipe out entire firms and the country’s economy. While at the same time billionaire NBA owners want more regulations so they can show a profit?

On the flip side, I have little sympathy for players that refuse to look at the broader picture and understand that to keep the league running successfully they may have to take a pay cut that doesn’t allow them that 3^rd Maybach they want.  The U.S. auto workers also refused to negotiate reduced payroll costs with automakers that had been generous when times were good. Those automakers instead of losing money, shipped those jobs overseas. Now, rather than making 80% of what they were making before when they had negotiated entirely too high salaries, the auto workers make nothing because there are no more jobs.

There is no perfect solution. At the end of the day, neither side will be happy with a resolution. But isn’t that the point of a negotiation?

NBA players already have their millions. Owners that were losing money certainly are in no rush to return to a money-losing venture. In the end, the only losers are the fans.

This looks like it is going to be a protracted battle. There is no end in sight. Fans, like me, are sad now, but over the course of the coming months, as with any other loss, we will progress through the stages of grieving until we ultimately reach acceptance.

And maybe, just maybe when the children in these negotiations grow up, become adults and settle this dispute they will learn the hard truth neither side wants to hear.

They need fans a lot more than fans need them.  

Shadow: Last week I worked a 30 hour ‘day’ and I still think I got off easier than being in beautiful (and by beautiful I mean ugly) Utica, NY onsite with our newest client.  Turner had that privilege, and we will be lucky if he is ever the same again.  He popped into work for a few minutes today and by the looks of his short locks…he either got a haircut or pulled out all his hair while the clients harangued him about the system he so glowingly sold them at Xmas time last year.  I am heading to California this weekend, so may miss the debut of Tebow Time, and am counting down the days until Vegas and the Revenge of the THH Parlay.  I really like SD’s theme this week…since I am such a devoted basketball disciple.

Since our basketball plates are going to be sparse this winter, we are incorporating it into THH this week.

In each match-up, which team would you cheer on if this were a basketball game, rather than football game?

College:

Wake Forest @ Duke

SD: Poor Wake Forest. For a brief period in the late 90’s and early 00’s Wake was a pre-eminent basketball location. It produced 2 of the best NBA players of the last 15 years (stoic Tim Duncan and nut-punching Chris Paul). But over the last few years it has regressed to the bottom of the ACC barrel. As a Florida State football fan, I can relate to team’s going from being one of the best in the country to being a conference also-ran. Duke on the other hand never changes. Lots of wins. Occasional championships. Unlikable players. Coach with dyed, glued on hair. Dick Vitale’s undying love. They could only get more unlikable if David Stern had gone there. Go Wake.

Shadow: Where else but college sports can you see the Demons versus the Devils?  Duke seems to always lead the league in recruiting the most annoying players in the country and then calling them “scrappy”.  Someone once said that success breeds contempt.  I don’t know what that means, but Christian Laetner (should have been disallowed from playing for a team with Devil as a mascot) and Bobby Hurl-ley soured me on Duke basketball for all time.  Go Wake.

West Virginia @ Syracuse

SD: Bob Huggins and Jim Boeheim are the polar opposites of the coaching world. One looks like he spends his free time at the Bada Bing Club. One looks like an Anthropology professor. Yet both have had similar careers – consistently successful with minimal post-season success (just Carmelo single-handedly taking over March Madness in 2003 keeps them from being championship-less). I will cheer on WVU and Bob here only because I appreciate Bob’s willingness to always take on dead teams and resurrect them. Cincinnati, Kansas State, West Virginia. None are glamour positions, yet he has succeeded at each. Whether he had a little assistance along the way from friends in the ‘Waste Management’ or ‘Import/Export’ business I don’t want to know.

Shadow: Just seeing the word Syracuse makes me feel a little wistful about Melo.  All of us that watched the Nuggets persevere and actually win after his departure still had to admit in our heart of hearts that in the playoffs, you just need that offensive go-to guy that can take over a quarter if needed.  The Nuggets had a bunch of guys who either didn’t seem to want to take a shot and just passed the ball around forever…or guys who never saw a shot they didn’t love to take no matter how ill-advised (looking at you JR Brick and Kenyon).  Painful at times to watch.  So, in honor of my memories of Melo, I will take the Orangemen.  (funny….Native Americans force St Johns to give up their name, but I don’t see the orange-fake tanned Jersey Shore denizens complaining about the Cuse)

[footnote:  yes, I know Syracuse dumped the Orangemen/Orangewomen and just became “The Orange”…but that fact would have prevented my really funny joke]

[footnote 2: fine, it wasn’t really funny…..shut up]

NBA:

Atlanta @ Detroit

SD: Hawks versus Pistons would be a great game if this were still 1988. Unfortunately now it is a game I don’t think I would watch even if it is the only NBA game played before 2012. Ok, that is a lie. Like an alcoholic sipping on cough syrup, if this is all I could get, I would take it. The Hawks would definitely win but I will go with Detroit just because I have retained a soft spot for Joe Dumars since he gave both Carmelo and Anthony and Chauncey Billups to the Nuggets. It’s the least I could do to re-pay him.

Shadow: The Tigers made the playoffs and beat the Yankees.  The Lions are measurably better than the Broncos right now and will probably paste us at the end of the month.  I know I should be trying to follow Dave’s theme….but I have too much hate for Detroit right now.  So, I am taking Atlanta.

Washington @ Carolina

SD: The Late Career Michael Jordan Derby! Washington, site of a comeback we have all wiped from our memories, and his first attempt at destroying a franchise from within the front office (Kwame Brown!) versus his current hobby in Carolina. The only time I ever saw Jordan play live was in a Wizards uniform which is like saying “I’ve only seen Robert DeNiro in the Meet the Parents movies.” It is a shame I carry with me to do this day. I have to go with Carolina, if for no other reason, than to try and wipe this stain off my soul.

Shadow: If Washington were still the Bullets, I would totally go for them.  I loved that nickname.  So much more politically incorrect and insensitive than any amount of Seminoles and Indians and what not.  I am less enthused with the Wizards moniker.  I think the Bobcats would be an exciting team to watch…and I would root for them, especially since they would be home in this matchup…and I would get to see Kristi.

This morning, news broke that the Raiders are about to trade for Carson Palmer, sacrificing their 2012 first round draft pick, and depending on Carson’s performance another 1^st rounder in 2013.

Thankfully for the Raiders, Carson was washed up 4 years ago, so any performance based incentive is likely to be not applicable.

The signing comes on the heels of Jason Campbell breaking his collar bone on Sunday. Facing a future with Kyle Boller under center, the Raiders were desperate to make a change, as is standard reaction whenever Kyle Boller is involved in anything.  

With the ‘Beached Steamer’ Carson Palmer joining the men in black (because he is rusty and washed up – do I really need to explain all of these to you?), playoff hopes are fading faster than Jordan Palmer’s career as the Billy Ripken of football.

But the real culprit at the heart of the Raiders’ problems is the former #1 overall draft pick, future of the franchise, quarterback Jamarcus Russell.

If Russell hadn’t become the bustiest California transplant sine Pamela Anderson, the Raiders might still be in the playoff hunt, Palmer would still be boycotting the game of football and the Bengals would have one or two less draft picks to screw up.

But Jamarcus didn’t just change the fortunes of the Raiders and Bengals. His inability to play well, and unusual interest in purple drank, has had ripple effects across the entire league. He single-handedly made two NFC teams contenders, helped kill another’s playoff hopes and indirectly helped lay the foundations that became ‘The Dream Team’.

The two most obvious beneficiaries of the Jamarcus fiasco are the Lions and Falcons. The Lions were able to select freak Calvin Johnson immediately after Russell. Where Russell is now a punchline, Johnson has become the most dominant athlete in football. However, Johnson is only as effective as the quarterback throwing to him and Russell also indirectly led to the Lions getting that man.

Daunte Culpepper had started for the Raiders prior to Russell being drafted. After Russell came aboard, he ended up in Detroit where his ineptitude led the Lions to a record-setting 0-16 season, the #1 overall draft pick and Matthew Stafford.

Without Johnson and Stafford, the Lions losing this past Sunday to the Forty-Niners would have been a non-event which would have deprived us all of the completely over-analyzed yet sort of awesome coach brawl between Jim Schwartz and Jim Harbaugh.

In this way, we were all winners of the Jamarcus error…I mean era.

The Falcons also ended up with their franchise quarterback thanks to Russell. Had the Raiders not drafted Russell in 2007, and remained as epically bad as they had been for one more year (see: Culpepper, Daunte; career stats of), they would have been in position to draft Matt Ryan in 2008. However, the Falcons were able to grab Ryan immediately in front of the Raiders.

Ryan has now led the Falcons to 2 playoff appearances and is well on his way to becoming the Philip Rivers of the NFC: solid stats, good regular season record, no post-season success.

Outside of the East Bay, the team that was damaged the most by Russell was the Redskins. When Mike Shanahan took over the Redskins, he was unsatisfied with the quarterbacks and immediately traded for Donovan McNabb who knew the Eagles were ready to start Kevin Kolb and wanted out of Philadelphia.

With McNabb now in Washington, the Redskins looked to trade starter Jason Campbell. Since Jamarcus had officially passed Ryan Leaf as the worst draft pick in history, the Raiders leapt at picking up Campbell, which they did for a 4^th round pick in the 2012 draft.

McNabb became such an epic failure in Washington that Rex Grossman was an appealing alternative. Now the Redskins look like a playoff contender at every position except quarterback where Rex Grossman battles John Beck to see who can break Jay Cutler’s single-game interception record.

If it weren’t for Jamarcus, the Redskins may not have found any takers for Campbell, he would have been back starting for the Skins by the middle of last season and the Redskins would be the favorites in the mediocre NFC East today.

In picking up McNabb, the Redskins sent 3 picks to the Eagles – resulting in current starters, safety Nate Allen, linebacker Casey Matthews and a 4^th round pick in this coming draft. Filling holes in the defense through the draft then enabled the Eagles to go out and spend their free agent money on the players that would become The Bad Dream Team.

With a 2-4 start and after watching Vince Young throw the worst pass of the season this past week, it is hard to say whether the Eagles were winners or losers of the Russell era.

Russell has left destruction in his wake everywhere he has gone. But if it weren’t for his embarrassing failure, the NFL would be very different from the one we know today.

And we haven’t even talked about what Lane Kiffin did to college football after he was forced out of Oakland, in part over his disagreement with Al Davis to play Russell.

Al Davis was famously eulogized over the last week regarding his immense impact on the sport of football.

But maybe, in drafting Jamarcus Russell, his last great impact hasn’t received enough attention.

A week ago, I arrived about 3 hours late to a 4-hour long fundraising party being hosted by my wife to benefit a group associated with the Denver Art Museum, whose Board she sits on. I had come directly from the airport, where I had flown in from a week spent working long hours in D.C.

Talking to a friend that night, I mentioned I had flown home to Denver from Tallahassee on Sunday, flown back to D.C. on Monday, back to Denver on Thursday and was flying back to D.C. again on Sunday.

He joked about me talking to a 20-year old version of myself and telling him about the week. I replied that the 20-year old me would have thought it sounded very cool and would be excited that I must have grown into some sort of important executive. The 36-year old me would have then told the 20-year old me that it isn’t as glorious as it sounds (though I wouldn’t mention the occasional first-class upgrade), be careful what you wish for, go buy another drink and talk to that really cute girl in the corner of the bar.

As I sit on yet another plane flight writing this, the movie playing is Midnight in Paris. A movie I love and saw twice in the theatre (which is a very big endorsement as I typically see about 3-4 movies per year in a theatre). At its core, the movie is both a love letter to the city of Paris, but also to the nostalgic yearning for a time we don’t know. While some people yearn for the future (the 20-year old me), Owen Wilson’s character (and to a lesser extent the 36-year old me), yearn for a time in the past.

But it is also a warning that all of that yearning is a waste as the idealized vision we have in our heads, never aligns with reality. Owen Wilson’s character wants to return to the 1920’s in Paris. Yet the woman he meets there, hates the 20’s and only wants to re-visit the 1890’s.

Nothing is ever as glamorous as we make it out to be. Just think about how little people bathed back then, you just know while the sites of Paris would be wondrous; the smell would have been atrocious.

A broke college student looks at a business executive and sees the freedom that comes from financial stability but doesn’t see the long hours and sacrifices necessary. The business executive looks at the college student and sees freedom from responsibility and free time but not the budgeting required to stretch $50 across a week’s worth of food and a weekend at the bars.

Is this all just the over-morose ramblings of an exhausted mind? Is it all just an elaborate mental game that convinces me life was not any better when Florida State and the Broncos were winning championships and not dead teams walking before October 1st?

Probably yes and yes.

Anyway, on to this week’s games. In keeping with our mindset, I asked Turner to find a theme for me and he went back to the very foundations of the Hierarchy of Hate. No elaborate set-up or theme. Just a simple comparison between two teams.

A theme we would have used back at the very beginnings of the Hierarchy of Hate. Back when things were so much simpler….

Theme: Pick your animal (and any other reason you care to write about)

College

SMU Ponies vs. TCU Horned Frogs

I have always made it a point of pride to not wear clothing for schools with which I have no affiliation. But I have made one exception in adulthood and that is for the SMU Mustangs. I am comfortable with this decision on the rationale that while my personal experience with the school consists entirely of one dreary morning spent driving around the campus, I count as friends what seems to be a large percentage of the graduating class of 1997. But setting aside personal feelings, per Turner’s instructions, I can choose any reason for making a pick and for me there is one overriding factor in my liking a mascot: originality. Between the Boise State Broncos, Texas Longhorns and South Florida Bulls there are other ranch animal-mascots. There aren’t a lot of other Frog mascots. While there are good reasons for that – mainly that frogs aren’t overly intimidating and are mainly seen today only splattered on the side of the road – at least TCU decided to go for a unique mascot.

Rice Owls vs. Southern Mississippi Eagles

Before I ever started writing at PFB, Turner and I once did a THH for the entire March Madness tournament via email for our own amusement, which when viewed in hindsight, sounds pretty pathetic. (Re-prints of this never-before-seen first edition THH are available for just 3 easy payments of $39.99) Our first round criteria were a comparison of each team’s mascot. Through two long nights of research we discovered that approximately 43.1% of all college mascots involve a bird. Of these bird mascots over 53% were some variation on Eagles, Hawks or Falcons*. Owl mascots are much more unique, so despite Southern Miss trying to fancy up their lame Eagle mascot by tacking ‘Golden’ on the front, Rice is the clear winner here. On a wholly unrelated but supportive note, I also always really liked that metallic owl that helped out Perseus in the Clash of Titans movie I watched weekly as a child.

* – All numbers are approximate**

** – and by ‘approximate’ I mean completely invented by the author but feel anecdotally accurate

NFL:

Bears vs Panthers

This might be the least inspiring mascot battle since the Auburn Tigers visited the Clemson Tigers a couple weeks ago. While Bears are generally only a ½ notch ahead of Tiger, Lion or Eagle in the mascot originality out-house, I give the edge here to Chicago. Even if names aren’t unique, I like cities where there are cross-team themes. Detroit has the Lions and Tigers (but no bears, oh my). Pittsburgh has black and gold as unifying colors across all their pro teams. Miami teams have the color teal and half empty stadiums in common. The Bears as a stand-alone is bad, but coupled with the Cubs on the upper- side, at least they went with a little-brother, big-brother dynamic. The Panthers, on the other hand seemed to be picked specifically to ensure no fans would be left out or insulted. It is un-orginal, un-inspired and boring. Sort of like the city of Charlotte.

Seahawks vs. Falcons

This is turning into a very Hitchcockian THH with all the birds running around. I wonder what Tippi Hedren would think of this match-up? She seems like more of a Seattle kind of girl to me (pale skin that has rarely seen sunshine). Similar to the college avian match-up above, you have to give credit to the team that went with the more original bird choice. Especially since after spending most of 3 years in Seattle I am pretty sure seahawks are the jackalope or Sasha Fierce of the bird world – a fictitious animal created to make a rather boring animal (seagulls, bunny rabbits, Beyonce) seem much more intimidating.

While I will cheer on the Hawks, I think it is safe to say that after this THH, the only bird contest I am looking forward to this fall is the movie with Steve Martin, Jack Black and Owen Wilson.

Though I will probably wait until it comes out on DVD.

Much like my vocal cords, THH is recovering a little slowly from last week’s epic game in Tallahassee. While THH was in complete hibernation until it was too late to pick the college games, my voice crept slowly back to life as the week progressed. On Sunday, my voice ranged a soft whisper to, at best, the voice of a guy talking through a hole in his throat. By Tuesday I was starting to sound like Kathleen Turner. By Thursday I had made it all the way back to Wendi Nix.

Really, the only benefit to my scratchy throat was my dead-on sing along to a Johnny Cash song on my I-pod.

Anyway, I have finally recovered from last week’s painful FSU loss. Sadly, the Noles did not. Somehow a team that gave up 23 points to the best team in the land allowed Clemson to put up 35 today. But more on that later.

Let’s set aside the very painful world of college football and focus on the pros.

In honor of one of my all-time favorite Americans, this week is Neighbors week. All the games feature teams playing a team from a neighboring state.

It’s just too bad I didn’t get to this before the college game because I was really excited to label the Nebraska/Wyoming game ‘The Cabelas Bowl’ – a battle between the state that is the home to Cabela’s and a state that is home to 69% of their consumers.

But instead, we will focus on the big boys. And in honor of these neighborly battles, the games will be decided with one simple question:

What would Mr. Rogers do?

NFL

Houston @ New Orleans

I know Mr. Rogers is remembered as the epitome of wholesome family entertainment but if there is one thing that our religious and Republican leaders have taught me, it’s that the more wholesome and devout someone appears, the more crazy sh*t they like to do when the lights are off. While this might make you think Mr. Rogers would cheer for Houston and their soon-to-be outed Governor Rick Perry (who doth protests way too much), I think we all know that when it comes to debauchery, New Orleans is in a neighborhood all its own. Geaux Saints.

Detroit @ Minnesota

One of the best parts of Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood was when he went to visit the neighborhood of Make-Believe. Unlike fans of rap battles, it would be understandable that anyone that values neighborhoods and neighbors would not like Detroit, but, the neighborhood of Make-Believe is key to understanding why both Mr. Rogers and I would cheer for the Lions. Only someone that spends part of their week in the Land of Make-Believe could ever think that Matthew Stafford could stay healthy for an entire season.

Atlanta @ Tampa Bay

While Mr. Rogers’ entire show was about his neighborhood that was all make-believe. Even the stuff outside the neighborhood of Make-Believe. Mr. McFeely was not a delivery man. He was an actor named David Newell, playing a character named after Fred Rogers’ grandfather. Mr. Rogers’ real neighborhood was the other shows that aired around his show on PBS. So in that way, the inhabitants of Sesame Street were more Mr. Rogers’ neighbors than anyone in Make-Believe land. And anyone that has spent any time on Sesame Street knows we should be nice to our fellow humans. LeGarrette Blount clearly never watched Sesame Street, so Fred and I are both rooting for the Falcons.

Back to finish out our guesses at how the First Round of the NFL draft would play out if only teams cared as much about amusing us as they do making money.

#17 – Patriots (from Raiders: I am sad that we don’t get to see what fast, talentless player Al Davis would take this year) – Anthony Costanzo is a tackle from Boston College. He is a hometown boy that can come in to protect the weepy face of the franchise Tom Brady. He can also become the next white, overrated fan favorite (or as I call it: the Birdman) after Danny Woodhead loses his job (foreshadowing!)

#18 – Chargers – The Chargers need to trade up and grab Patrick Peterson. Not only does he replace Antonio Cromartie’s pass coverage that the poor Chargers defense missed last year but also more importantly helps the Chargers abysmal special teams. However, there is no word on whether Peterson can replace Cromartie’s dominance of the Father-Son-Son-Son-Son Picnic.

#19 – Giants – The Giants should grab Da’Quan Bowers if the Clemson defensive lineman can fall to them. I know Bowers has some injury concerns, but it seems like the rest of the Giants defensive linemen are always hurt, so Bowers would immediately bond with his teammates in the ice tub.

#20 –Buccaneers – Bucs tight end Kellen Winslow Jr. infamously said several years ago that he is a soldier. If that were true he would spend more time at the MASH unit than Hawkeye Pierce. However if the Bucs draft Nate Solder, the massive CU lineman, they would have one player who at last sounds like a soldier.

#21 – Chiefs – I still have no idea how the Chiefs won the AFC West. The only thing that I can come up with is thievery. They took the quarterback and GM from the Patriots. They took their coach from the Cardinals. Really they are just trying to mimic successful teams. For that reason, they can take Mike Pouncey, twin brother of Steeler pro-bowler Maurkice. Mike isn’t as good as Maurkice but the Chiefs aren’t a good as the Patriots or Steelers, so he should fit in well.

#22 – Colts – The Colts have been looking for a running back to take the pressure off of Peyton Manning. Ever since Edgerrin James’ career fell apart faster than Hedo Turkoglu in the 2011 playoffs the Colts have drafted Joseph Addai and Donald Brown in the first round and neither has been able to keep the job. Daniel Thomas has one attribute that neither Brown nor Addai has, size. He can take a pounding. Like when Manning stretches him out with a high pass while a linebacker takes aim at his ribs. Unlike most of Peyton’s other receivers he might only miss 1-2 games rather than the rest of the season.

#23 – Eagles – Needing another target for Michael Vick, the Eagles should grab Kyle Rudolph, the tight end out of Notre Dame and top tight end prospect in the draft. Sure, Rudolph can help blocking for Vick and catching passes, but mostly I just want to see what a fan-base that booed Santa could do to a guy named Rudolph if he disappoints.

#24 – Saints – The Saints have the most prolific offense in the NFL. Their defense however isn’t quite Super Bowl caliber. This team gave up 41 points to the Seahawks! Aaron Williams, the corner out of Texas would give them at least one shut down corner. I don’t know if he can tackle Marshawn Lynch but he would at least fly fewer than 5 yards on the stiffarm.  

#25 – Seahawks – Speaking of the Seahawks, despite the offensive explosion against the Saints, the Seahawks need to start thinking about the future of their team. Matt Hasselbeck is 35 years old (and a free agent) and I think we can all agree Charlie Whitehurst could shave his beard and the nickname Clipboard Jesus would still be at least ½ right. Jake Locker is a living legend in the state of Washington. If the Broncos can roll the dice with Tim Tebow, the Seahawks should bring in an athletic freak Locker and he can have a year or two to learn behind Hasselbeck. Just hope Hasselbeck doesn’t teach him about making predictions.

#26 – Ravens – The Ravens have brought in a number of veteran receivers over the last couple of years. Unfortunately, those receivers have about as much chance of beating a corner deep as Donald Trump has of winning the Presidential election. Drafting local boy Torrey Smith of Maryland would finally give the Ravens a receiver whose 40-yard dash time can’t be timed with a sun-dial.

#27 – Falcons – Looking to replicate the success of big/small back tandems the Falcons should draft Kendall Hunter to pair with Michael Turner. As both the Titans and Panther proved in years past the small/big running back combo is key to having a great regular season and failing in the playoffs. That would be totally new for the Falcons.

#28 – Patriots – Breaking hearts across  every Ben Affleck movie set, Belichick drafts running back Mikel Leshoure out of Illinois. Using a first round draft pick on a runningback from an underperforming Big 10 team? What could possibly go wrong for the Patriots?

#29 – Bears – Now that Bears quarterback Jay Cutler has become engaged to Laguna Beach start Kristin Cavallari, the Bears need to invest in a lineman to protect Cutler, who proved last winter he won’t be challenging Brett Favre’s consecutive game played streak. Tyron Smith, played at USC so he is used to playing with players more interested in being successful in Hollywood than in being successful on the football field.

#30 – Jets – The Jets need to continue to strengthen their defense while their young offense matures together. Linebacker Akeem Ayers out of UCLA provides another playmaker for the Jets defense. Rex Ryan really thinks Ayers could be a star. Rex is positive he has the best feet of any linebacker in the draft.

#31 – Steelers – They will have to trade up for him, but I have been saying for months that Nick Fairley’s destiny is to be a Steeler. He can dominate offenses from his defensive line position. His game is centered on playing in the shades of grey of the rule book and he is used to a fan base that is so loathed by others they would actually desecrate their most treasured symbols.  

#32 – Packers – It is easy to say that the Super Bowl champs don’t need more help but don’t forget that Aaron Rodgers was sacked 31 times last year. Adding Mississippi State’s Derek Sherrod would help shore up the Packers offensive line. And we all know that all of Green Bay loves players from Mississippi. I am already looking forward to Sherrod’s first teary-eyed press conference in 2024.