We are back early with THH this week, due to the short holiday week. As we look at the 3-day feast of football and food, I am stuck thinking about a different uniquely American tradition – the gunslinger. Not a Billy-the-kid, shoot-out at the O-K Corral kind of gunslinger, I mean the quarterback gunslinger. The strong-armed quarterback who can (or tries to) throw the ball into any space, no matter how small. Sure, he makes mistakes but in the end his exciting plays outweigh them and Americans love our heroes flawed.

The modern day father of the gunslinger movement is Brett Favre, so as he continues his remarkable success in the Land of 10,000 Lakes we will continue to hear more and more about his gunslinging ways. But is that really true? Is Favre’s traditional high risk/high reward style of quarterbacking what has brought the Vikings to a 10-1 record? Or is it more likely, much like John Elway in his later years, Favre is only seeing success thanks to a strong defense, a great running back and talented wide receivers? I have been saying it since he before he was drafted, A.P. is the second-coming of Terrell Davis, right down to the initial-based nickname and high probability of having his career cut short by injury. Could he also be replicating TD by carrying a past-his-prime legendary quarterback to an improbable Super Bowl? We will just have to wait and see.

If the Vikings are the Christina Aguillera of the gunslinger argument (surprisingly well-adjusted after a rocky start), then the Bears are the Britney Spears (just a train wreck).  Everything that Favre has inside him and around him to reign in and take advantage of his skills, Jay Cutler lacks. Cutler has no receivers, a porous defense and a mediocre running game that was abandoned the day Whiny Jay showed up in town. Worse, Cutler lacks the charisma and enthusiasm that defines Favre’s career.

I have a buddy that lives in Chicago and the moment the Cutler/Orton trade was finalized we started trading emails – he boasting about how bad Orton was, me trying to temper any excitement for the turn over machine that is Cutler. As the season has progressed and Cutler continuously imploded in high profile games, I have sent mocking emails to him reminding him that I had warned him long ago to expect lots of red zone mistakes.

This past weekend after yet another interception clinched a Bears loss, I sent an email with the subject line ‘I am out of jokes’. Which I am. Even I, rabid Cutler hater, could never have foreseen the utter implosion that Jay has been in Chicago. Sure, he is missing the talented receivers he had here in Denver but that isn’t why they are losing. Here is what I said in the email:

“You know when I knew the Bears were cooked? When after the punt they showed Cutler walk on to the field with his head down, all by himself 15 yards from his nearest teammate. Has any quarterback inspired less confidence in a two minute drill?”

And it’s true. You can say what you want about Favre’s hail mary passing game, and prima donna ways but when it comes to playing the game – it is clear he still loves it and relishes the time spent with his teammates playing. Can you say that about Jay? He looks unhappy and alone all the time. That is what you want in a leader?

Of course, Cutler never led to Iraqi detainees mocking American soldiers, so he does have that going for him. Which is nice.

Turner: I’m sorry readers, I have to be short and sweet this week as Super Dave gave us unreasonable timelines to respond and I didn’t want to disappear 2 weeks in a row.  Disturbing fact of the week:  in 2 short weeks, the Shadow heads on a cruise with Mrs. Shadow.  While I’m excited for him to have a week off, I discovered today he has pre-paid and is planning a ‘couples’ massage.  This is disturbing on a number of fronts (most notably the price tag)… that money could be used to invest at the poker and blackjack table but instead he succumbed to his marital demands and will be lying face down on a table either getting a rub down from “Hans” (my personal preference to see how he handles that scenario) or some lady of Asian descent that had just spend the last 4 hours taking every single one of his dollars at blackjack.  God Speed Shadow.

Oh – and please, watch the Cancun Classic (Kentucky playing). They are playing inside a ballroom with chandeliers on the ceiling, are we this desperate?

Shadow: I am not quite sure where last week went.  I could blame it on the Vegas Flu, yet I managed to make it to work and be a semi-functional father.  I think part of my Hateless week had to do with the bad taste still in my mouth from Sin City…and I am not referencing our misguided decision to each down a whole medium Little Caesar’s pizza during the afternoon college football games in the Mandalay Bay sports book.  No, this particular bad taste was the $40 I lost betting on the Pats to cover 3.5 points, which should have been turned into $120.  Super Dave already covered that little fiasco, so I won’t detail it any more here…..and I have already created a new motto for Vegas 2010:  No Parlays, No Pats, More F’ing Purple. 

 So, call this week the Ripped-Up Sports book Ticket THH:

College (Snow Bird Edition):

It has been a little cold here in Denver over the last couple of weeks. A snowstorm passed through a while we were on our Vegas vacation and it has been cold enough that there are still some pockets of snow in my backyard – which is pretty strange for Colorado. Anyway, all this cold weather reminded me of what Jimmy said ‘I gotta go where it’s warm’. Since I am not going where it’s warm, I can at least day dream in THH.

Arizona @ Arizona State

SD: It is a well-known secret in the state of Florida that the co-eds at FSU put the co-eds at UF to shame in every way. Is this true in Arizona as well? Does ASU attract the better looking women than UofA or is there equally beautiful women at each? I frankly don’t know, but I am truly interested and open to persuasion from either party. And you know what I mean by persuasion, ladies. I was in Phoenix about a month ago for a meeting and we hit the town a couple nights (yes, a bunch of old men out at the college bars, the women loved us). I will just say that U of A has some work to do. So, just in case U of A can’t compete I will cheer on the Sun Devils.

Turner: This is the battle of nerdy guys who you know got lots of action… Luke Walton vs. Jake Plummer.  Both had probably lots of options and I’m sure their parents provided lots of additional non-prescription (i.e. pot) drugs to make the scene even better.  It sure must have been hard to pick from all those dark tanned, blonde females on campus…… sorry, had to have a moment…….  I have to go with Plummer on this one, many reasons, most notably of which Luke Walton sucks.  He has no skills, was part of team that beat the Nuggies (and I HATE the Lakers) and scored more on campus then he ever will in the NBA.

Shadow: I didn’t manage to bet on either of these teams in Vegas, so I will revert to a more traditional rationale.  The “Territorial Cup”?  Lame.  One school is coached by “Stoops the Lesser”, the other by a coach who can’t decide where he would rather underachieve more…in the pros or in the Pac-10.  Hmmm, that isn’t truly fair, as Dennis Erickson has enjoyed success in several of his coaching stops.  Seriously, though, are there any serious students at ASU?  I am pretty sure the majority of the 69,000+  (he said 69!) are there for one thing, and one thing only….the parties.  How can you hate that?  Go Devils!

Miami @ South Florida

SD: The University of South Florida is in Tampa. Look at a map, there is a lot of Florida south of the campus of South Florida. Couldn’t they have come up with a better name? I know there is already a West Florida (in Pensacola), Central Florida (Orlando), and North Florida (Jacksonville) so South Florida is the logical final school name, but shouldn’t they have located it somewhere a little more…umm, what’s the word…south? That is enough to make me cheer for Miami here. Of course, the University of Miami is actually located in Coral Gables and they play their games in Fort Lauderdale. That whole state is screwed up. No wonder Carl Hiassen finds so much to write about. I will cheer for the Canes, just because I like how they adopted actual hurricane warning flags as one of their symbols. Whatever.

Turner: The battle of a school who came up with “The U” vs. a team that is geographically confused.  Miami doesn’t deserve to be “the U”, that should go to Utah which could be “the U of U”.  Nothing better that getting “Double U’d” (oh – is that then Washington?  -2 fantasy points for a bad joke).  Plus I love the South Florida story, coming from nowhere and is the 2^nd best team in the state almost (sorry SD)….  Go Bulls, your only problem is you need your own stadium, oh – the U doesn’t even have one of those either….  Both teams should lose then.

Shadow: Too easy.  One of these teams cost me no money in Las Vegas.  One of them pissed me off and personally eliminated 3 different parlays.  I am looking at you Hurricanes.  I see last weekend you had no trouble handling Duke.  I hate you. 

NFL:

Much like a bride, this week we are going with a new/old theme for the NFL picks. I guess next week we should go with something borrowed and something blue.

New England @ New Orleans (The New Bowl)

SD: This is the New Bowl for 2 reasons. First because both teams have the word New in their name (duh) but more importantly after years of being jokes they are now 2 of the 3 best teams in the league. Of course, New Orleans is a lot newer to the elite team status than New England. New Orleans is also still in the process of re-newing itself as it crawls out of the bomb crater that was Katrina. Just for that you knew I would be cheering on New Orleans. Get it? Knew? Man, that is good stuff. Sometimes you can’t stop me you can only hope to contain me.

Turner: Please refer to Super Dave’s recap of the 4^th and 2 discussion from last week.  SCREW the Patriots (now and FOREVER) and the combined $200 they owe us.  I hope they lose every game until they send me a check.

Shadow: F*ing Bellicheat.  He owes me $120.

Oakland @ Dallas (The Old Bowl)

SD: The Old Bowl – not only because Al Davis and Jerry Jones are a combined 476 years old (approximate) but because about 30 years ago, this would have been a Super Bowl preview. Today, it matches a team that forgets how to play as soon as the holidays hit versus a team that never even learned how to play. This might be the ugliest game ever played on Thanksgiving if it weren’t for the Lions annual embarrassment. But maybe it is fitting that on a day of traditions, family and nostalgia we get a game pitting two traditionally important teams run by families, nostalgic for better days. It is also fitting because Thanksgivings are almost universally better in theory than practice, just like this game. Give me the Boys here. Remember I am Bronco fan. Just because the Raiders stink, doesn’t mean I am ever going to cheer for them.

Turner: Hard choice here for 2 organizations I have no respect for.  In this case I’m simply going on uniforms.  I’m a fan of the Silver and Black.  One of my favorite childhood memories was watching the Cowboys being forced to wear the unlucky Blue uniforms.  It was great how it was the discussion of every game growing up and listening to all those whiners.  It seems some things never change and that whining is still prevalent within that Organization.  Plus, the label of “America’s team” is about as ridiculous as “the U”.

Shadow: Why was a betting an “over” in a game where one team was QB’d by Jamarcus Russell?  Because I am stupid.  Still….the Raiders/Chiefs were on track after the first half in Vegas to covering the over.  Then both offenses stunk up the second half.  Dallas, on the other hand, were a key factor in my one winning NFL parlay as they predictably came up short in Lambeau.  There were definitely more Cowboy fans in Mandalay Bay than any other team (isn’t this always they way it is?….their bandwagon is only slightly smaller than the new cruise ship debuting this week….and it was fun hearing them cringe every time Tony Romo would throw to Roy “Stone Hands” Williams as the ball would inevitably NOT be caught.  Dallas made me money, so they shall not be hated this week.  Plus, any new reason to hate the Raiders is a good thing.

It really started on Monday. I was driving to the office from the Seattle-Tacoma Airport listening to KJR when it hit the first time.

Dave ‘Softy’ Mahler started previewing this weekend’s LSU/UW game (including marching band snippits) and I realized that all of a sudden, it was game week. In the span of one flight, I had gone from the tail end of summer, making due with disappointing pre-season games and endless Favre love to college football season – a season full of devastating losses and endless Tebow love.

It was really driven home this morning at my hotel. Walking into the concierge lounge I was enveloped by the purple and gold. LSU fans had arrived. In mass. By Thursday. 2,000 miles from Baton Rouge.

Yes, friends it is really football season and I couldn’t be more excited if FSU was ranked in the top five.

There is just one last thing left to officially mark the return of college football.

Welcome to the inaugural 2009 Hierarchy of Hate. As Southwest Airlines says: It is On.

As always we are joined by Turner, he of the unconditional Sooner love and inconsistent THH attendance.

 The time of year is upon us where we can rejoice in our weekends and Tuesday Night, Wednesday Night, Thursday Night, Friday Night, All Day on Saturday (and an occasional Sunday) with the greatness of college football (I exclude Monday night because there is only one game made up of the washed up ‘The U’ vs. ‘Wide Left / Right’ rivalry).  Oh how great it is and just as SuperDave gave us in his preview, this year should be a given.  It is so obvious that the Longhorns and the 2^nd coming of ‘God’ will face off in the National Championship game.  This obvious choice leads to the fact that it actually won’t happen; except that UF could lose 4 games this year and still make it because Tim Tebow will flood every other stadium and have their seasons cancelled so that they will still make it.   If Gary Danielson had a vote, we would have no reason to play the season and we could continue listening to that giant vacuum sound that is causing Hurricanes in the Atlantic.  And FOR THE LOVE, if Lou Holtz is right and ND makes the championship game, I’m officially banning myself from watching the National Championship game; however I wonder who God would let win, his child or his ‘team’.

A few predictions this year.

Best Record of our Team(s):   SMU :6 – 6;  FSU: 9 -3; THE OU: 11-1

Heisman Trophy Winner: Colt McCoy (because they feel bad and need the Big 3 to all get one)

National Championship Game:   USC vs. UF (puke and puke)

So now we get back to my beloved THH. Special thanks for SuperDave for opening the door to The Shadow to come back to the party.  While his bias is largely towards Univ. of Northern Colorado and Iowa (yawn), his love of sports can’t be denied. 

Please support him as he tried to become the protégé of the experts.  He is our Charlie Weis while we are Bill Belichick.

Additionally, we are joined by The Shadow, a September call-up that used a strong commenting performance to earn a spot in the big leagues. Welcome to the show, kid.

I am happy to be back and lending my opinion to that most noble of fall traditions, THH.  So far this year, my beloved Broncos have bumbled their way through a coaching regime change, a trade of their supposed next franchise QB, and a pissing match with their star receiver.  This has put me in a foul mood with relation to my hometown team, and so I will focus my attention and hate on whichever schools I deem have done the least to improve the state of Broncodom over the years.

College:

LSU @ U of Washington

SD: Really could I start any other way? Not only did this match-up get my football hackles up this week but the cross-country intersection is perfect THH material. I have hereby re-named this game the Jeremy Piven Bowl. Why you may ask? Well, before his star-making role of Ari, you may not remember him as the best friend or secondary player in every John Cusack movie from 1985 – 2004 (see: One Crazy Summer, Say Anything, Grosse Pointe Blank, Serendipity). I think this is appropriate because I think of both of these teams as similar but not quite as good versions of things that hold a place in my heart. I have always held a soft spot for LSU as a soulmate to FSU (good looking women, located in the south, hard partying, live and die for football, irrational hatred for UF, etc.) while over the last two years of spending 4 days per week in Seattle I have developed a fondness for the Emerald City just short of my hometown of Denver (see? You didn’t think I could get there did you?). Add in that each school could equate to a seminal Piven performance: LSU = PCU for obvious reasons, Seattle = Entourage, as it is where I have worked and few performance have so encapsulated a certain job as Piven’s Ari and the comparisons are complete. So, who do I root for? Well, who would you root for? The guy that defined my collegiate career: “here’s what you need to know: classes, nothing before eleven; beer, its your best friend drink a lot of it; women, you are a freshman so it is pretty much out of the question….” Or a reminder of my grueling daily job?

(For the record I quoted PCU from memory. I have problems).

Geaux Tigers

Turner: First thing that comes to mind; LSU: Attractive Cajun Female Cheerleaders / Loud Stadium / Huge Party and love for their team…… UW:  Empty stadium, Starbucks, Warren Moon, Ty Willingham, hmmmmm.  Enough Said on this one.  The first THH winner is LSU.  UW other than the fact that their state gave me an internet platform to write this blog on, really does nothing for me.   Geaux Tigers.

Shadow: Not even close.  LSU provided me with Tory James (forgettable at least as a Bronco) and Eddie Kennison (pure hatred still flows for him) but Washington gives us Brian Habib who helps anchor the “undersized” Bronco o-line that dominates Green Bay in Super Bowl XXXII.  The pick here is the Huskies.

Virginia Tech vs. Alabama

SD: I almost feel sorry for the players at Alabama and Virginia Tech. No matter what any individual player does (short of bringing the phrase ‘rape stand’ into everyday conversations), he will always be less important to winning than the sheer brilliance of his coach. At VT, Beamer Ball has become the single most overused TV talking point not involving circumcising Philipino kids. Nevermind that just last year that BeamerBall lost a game to East Carolina by getting a punt blocked. At Bama, Nick Saban has brought his ego and reputation with him, such that any play is the direct result of being in the vicinity of his greatness. Nevermind him having the integrity of Bernie Madoff. So, while I may laugh at all the fawning over Beamer Ball as a tired cliché employed by announcers without the will to actually learn something about the teams they are covering, at least Beamer has loyalty to this school. That is one things in short supply in the college game today – just ask Saban. If you can catch him before he bolts for the next big payday. Go Hokies!

Turner: I don’t understand this one… We have the Hokies that are represented by a Turkey and  Bama which is an elephant.  Ridiculous, however I can associate with the turkey since you can hunt those in Virgina but I’m not sure why the elephant.  That plus Saban raises my hate meter.  Come on Hokies, Gobble, Gobble, Gobble.

Shadow: An interesting case here.  We have one of my favorite running backs of the Broncos (pre-TD) in Bobby Humphrey versus a second year star in the making with Eddie Royal.  Bobby may have had more of a bump had TD never arrived on the scene, but since TD has obliterated most of my memory and love for any other Denver runner, I am going to give the edge here to Royal and VA Tech.

Idaho State @ Arizona State (The Jake Plummer Memorial Bowl)

SD: Our final game is in honor of my last, favorite Bronco quarterback. Fitting at a time when the Broncos are in desperate need of finding a quarterback. So, which Jake do I cheer for? The formative years Jake growing up in Idaho or Jake the Snake – bursting on to the national conscious at ASU by alsmot leading them to a national title? Read that again – Jake nearly took ASU to a national championship. How ridiculous does that seem now a short 13 years later? I am actually going with the Idaho Jake for two reasons. 1- his ‘nearly’ winning a title at ASU, actually resulted in Florida winning its first (and Spurrier his only) national title after ASU lost to Ohio State in the Rose Bowl and UF beat FSU in a re-matchup that never should have happened (damn you James Brown and your Texas Longhorns) in the Sugar Bowl. 2 – It isn’t his upbringing in Idaho I am honoring with this pick, it is his retiring back to Idaho after his Bronco days were over. He retired to the mountains with his former Bronco cheerleader wife – can anyone really argue with that plan? For that alone, he will always be one of my heroes. Go ISU – make retired and happy Jake a proud man!

Turner: First problem with this game is the headline on the ISU website :

“Bengal Fans Can Jump on the Bus to Weber State
 
Pocatello, ID — The ISU Bengal Foundation is taking a bus to the ISU vs. Weber State football game, Saturday, September 19th. Game time is 6:07 pm in Ogden’s Stewart Stadium. (more)

Seriously???? This is the roadtrip they are advertising is to Weber State when they can go to Tempe?  These folks just have their priorities all wrong.  Plus, what is the possibility of finding a Bengal in Idaho?  I did learn that this week so that is good however, the fact that they want to be like Chris Collinsworth puts them on the radar.  ASU:   ENOUGH SAID – it takes a LOT to beat this school (see: http://tempe12.com – not on company time)  Come on Sun Devils, the school that Jack Elway couldn’t handle, I love you.

Shadow: Ah hell, the win by default scenario.  Idaho State, to me knowledge (or Google’s) has never produced any football player associated with the Broncos, while ASU saddled us with several years of bad interceptions and even worse facial hair, courtesy of Jake the Snake.  To be honest, I really tried to like Plummer, and he did lead us to an AFC Championship game, but he folded too much under pressure, kind of the antithesis of Elway, who like TD, will always be the standard against which all Denver QBs are measured.  Fair or unfair, that’s just the way it is.  No matter what I feel about Jake’s tenure in the Mile High City, since ISU throws up the goose-egg, this matchup goes to those Devils of the Sun.