On the eve of the NBA Finals, it would seem like a good time for us to break out the Hierarchy of Hate to decide who to cheer on between the Lakers and Celtics. However it may seem like we just saw this match-up because, well, we did. So rather than trying to come up with new reasons to cheer for one of these teams that I really don’t like, I decided to go back and re-visit the Hierarchy of Hate we completed a couple years ago for the last time we saw this match-up.
Sadly, I still stand by my thinking below. I may hate the Lakers, but I think I hate them just slightly less than the Celtics.
Beside why would we waste THH energy on the NBA Finals when we have much bigger work ahead of us next week.
The Hierarchy of Hate – NBA Finals
We are back with a special Hierarchy of Hate today. The NBA Finals kicked off on Thursday night and featured the Celtics and Lakers, two of the most historic teams in the NBA. But who do you root for? Do you like Kobe but foreigners with scraggly beards and long hair give you the willies? Do you still think fondly of Ray Allen as the young hoopster in He Got Game but harbor a deep seated fear that Sam Cassell is hiding in your closet at night?
Put those concerns aside my friends, we have come up with four foolproof criteria that you can use at home to decide which team deserves your backing in the NBA Finals. This week, rather than leaving the criteria free form, we have decided to identify specific criteria. I picked two and Turner picked two.
With the Lakers and Celtics meeting in the NBA Finals, I am feeling nostalgic so you will notice a certain dated feel (like the couch in your grandmother’s house) to my criteria. Turner on the other hand stuck with the things he loves best – food and people in their late teens and early twenties.
Well look it is Turner and it appears that someone is with him.
Yes, folks with a relationship much like Jack and Meg White, Turner and his pal Jules are here. Jules will be breaking the Hierarchy of Hate gender barrier, giving a small glimpse into the crazy hatred that can reside within the fairer sex.
Without further adieu, on to the picks. Ladies first, of course.
Category #1: Awkward White Guy from Dominant 80’s Teams: Kurt Rambis vs. Kevin McHale/Danny Ainge (Celtics double feature)
Jules: I was certain this category would be based on fashion (which appears to be surprisingly underrepresented in the Hierarchy of Hate archives). However upon further research, it’s going to come down to Kurt Rambis – famous Greek American vs Danny Ainge – influential Mormon and BYU graduate. Ouzo and flaming Greek cheese vs. weird alcohol rules. OPA!!!!
Most Hated: Celtics – Up 1
SD: This one ain’t even close. Heck the Celtics could throw in the 2/3 of Bill Walton that joined them in 1985 and Larry Bird’s wispy mustache and blond afro and still they still couldn’t compete with the man, the myth and the legend Kurt Rambis. It takes a special man to pull off the goggles and feathered mullet look and Kurt was the king. Sure, you have to like Ainge going the length of the court to beat Notre Dame while at BYU, but he has to do a lot more than that to compete with Rambis. Score one for Celtics being more hated.
Turner: Just the thought of those pasty white legs, the short shorts, the full head of hair and in some cases the glasses. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I’m sorry, I’m having a moment here in Highlands Ranch, feeling very relaxed. What a great match-up of the great Kurt Rambis against that of Kevin McHale (worst GM of the NBA and he was a gopher anyhow, Big 10 sucks in the THH).
The research for this took me no farther than www.kurtrambis.com. WHAT A FIND!!
This summarizes the foolishness of Kevin McHale – DIRTY See Link: http://www.kurtrambis.com/anti-mchale.html
“The Celtics-Lakers showdown in the 1984 NBA Finals changed after Kevin McHale took down Kurt Rambis on a lay-up attempt. Kevin McHale complied , after being yelled at by M.L. Carr for being a wimp, in the second quarter when he clotheslined Kurt Rambis on a breakaway lay-up, causing a ruckus under the basket. The Celtics wrestled control of the series from the Lakers. His clothesline cost us a title. Maxwell, on the other hand, was overjoyed with the development. “Before Kevin McHale hit Kurt Rambis, the Lakers were just running across the street whenever they wanted.” If he was really a man, he wouldn’t have resorted to the cheap shot. Had Kurt seen it coming, McHale would have had big problems.”
Dirty, Dirty, Dirty McHale.
Then you go to Kurt’s favorite foods….Fettuccine in Cream Sauce, Linguini with Clams a la Rambis, and Veal with Lemon & Mushrooms. So sophisticated…
The fact that he represents himself as the Anti-McHale makes me just like him even more. Excuse me while I clean my glasses with my 60/80 vision and use my headband to wipe away my tears from this type of player who just never exists anymore (except the GREAT Eduardo Najera of the Oklahoma Sooners / Denver Nuggets)
Please do check out Kurt’s list of quotes: One is “LA … This is my town”. Ummm, sorry Kurt, it isn’t your town. It was Magic’s, Kobe’s and Paris Hilton’s. It isn’t yours. He has many other inspirational quotes, it is sort of like that speech during Rudy when it is all about heart and doing your best with what God gives you. (sorry, using headband again to wipe tears away. BTW – you ever suck the sweat out of a headband or sweatband after working out, it is so salty and yummy)
Celtic Hatred 1, Laker Hatred 0
Category #2: Movie featuring each team: Fletch (Lakers) vs. Celtic Pride (duh)
Jules: Celtic Pride – written by Judd Apatow pre-Freaks and Geeks and his career peak last year with Superbad and Colin Quinn from Remote Control fame. I’m curious who the boys will weigh in as the best (and I suspect that means hottest) hostess on that show. Personally I’m a Season One purist and vote for Marisol. So far I’m feeling surprising love for Celtic Pride and if the competition was Fletch Lives (Julianne Phillips – seriously?) this would be a simple choice.
Fletch – best Chevy Chase ever….so many great quotes including… “Only with wet, married women.” “Curiously, she said we had roughly the same build. From the waist up, I imagine.” And my personal favorite…”Broken Taco”. LOVE Fletch which apparently means Boston wins this one.
Most Hated: Celtics – Up 2 – 0 (holds court at home)
SD: Again this one is too easy. Fletch is a classic. I suffered through Celtic Pride once on cable and will still resent the 2 hours it stole from my life on my death bed. Sure, the movie was awful in every way but there is one detail that still drives me nuts. The Damon Wayans character played for the Jazz! Does anyone feel strongly about the Jazz outside of their freakily lilly white crowd in Salt Lake? How did they not pick a player from a team that Bostonians would…you know…care about? Between Kareem Adbul Jabbar’s second best acting effort (behind Airplane but ahead of Enter the Dragon) and the single phrase “Fletch, 6’5” with the afro 6’9”…” this contest is as over as Fat Sam’s drug operation on the beach. 2-0 Celtics, half way home to being most hated.
Turner: On the surface, this is easy. Fletch is greatness and Celtic Pride was seen by 3 people outside of Massachusetts. But once you get by that little fact, there is actually so much talent in Celtic Pride that it makes is it worthy of an Emmy [Ed. Note: We know an Emmy is for a TV show and an Oscar is for a movie, we just aren’t telling Turner]. First off, it has Bill Walton. Yes, the GREATEST deadhead in the world. Our guest writer Jules (also one of ‘those’) surely will write for her love of the Great Bill as she really likes those crazy songs like Casey Jones. In addition, how can you go wrong with ‘Prime time” Deion Sanders. This is such star power. The fact that it had Dan Aykroyd and Damon Wayans just pushes it over the limit to blockbuster status. The only thing missing here was a bit of humor, a plot and people who actually saw the movie.
Fletch also offered my first experience into my issues with hemorrhoids and colon exams. “You using the whole fist, Doc?” Not good but it has prepared me for manhood.
Fletch is a top 10 movie for anyone who has any sense of humor (especially a sick one). Thank you Fletch F. Fletch.
Celtic Hatred 2, Laker Hatred 0
Category #3: Food and/or beverage native to the hometowns
Jules: Boston Clam Chowder vs Pretentious LA Sushi – Both Disgusting. As usual with me, this one is going to come down to the cocktails…..
My last trip to LA involved lots of Mojitos (rummy minty goodness!) prepared by a hot model/actor/bartender at the Beverly Center so that is my LA drink of choice. Boston – should be Sam Adams but I don’t know how to burp so beer is out. So I’ll nominate the Cape Cod – vodka and cranberry juice.
Mint stuck in your teeth vs proactive bladder health. I think this means LA wins.
Hatred Count – Celtics 2, Lakers 1
SD: Finally, the Celtics get on the board and avoid the sweep. I mean, what food is actually native to southern California? (NOTE: I am purposely ignoring the fact that the only things truly native to southern California are Native Americans. Down in the suburbs where Turner lives, the schools still teach about the ‘savages’ that white Christians tried to save). I guess there is California cuisine. So we have the people that put pine nuts on pizza versus the people that created New England clam chowder. Yeah, that is a tough one to decide on, even with the handicap that is the nastiness they label and sell as Sam Adams. Celtics 2 -1.
Turner: Interesting challenge here in the battle of cuisines: You have the faux-fusion, eclectic, hip food scene with a bunch of yuppies valet parking their Audis and wearing a TIGHT black turtle-neck, sport coat and having really hip sunglasses (even though it is probably dark outside) and eating dinner at 11 pm trying to be cool like they are in New York. Their first drink is something like a mojito and they use words that try to make them sound much smarter than they really are.
Contrast that with a big bowl of clam chowder, some lobster that is dripping with butter, some baked beans, fish and chips and a Sam Adams. You can go a bit fruity with some cape-cod but other than that, it is a man’s man meal.
Give me another one ol’ Irishman. I love you.
Celtic hatred 2, Laker Hatred 1
** Please note: However there is one food you can only get in LA and that is a nice 8 inch cut of Kobe Beef. It is a specialty and it is only served outside of LA at the Lodge and Spa at Cordillera outside of Vail, CO through room service. Lucky it isn’t enough meat to push LA to the win column here.
Category #4: Quality of local Universities
Jules: Sticking with the White Guys from the 80’s theme…..Rich Neuheisel @ UCLA or Doug Flutie @ Boston College. I’ve loved Doug Flutie since watching the infamous Hail Mary at the orthodontist’s office in the mid 80’s. My original sports crush even though he’s a runty little guy. And he has great hair – no need to bust out those goofy Neuheisel visors. So win goes to LA.
ALL TIED UP – ON TO GAME 5!!
Historical Figures/Landmarks
Massachusetts Minutemen vs The Playboy Mansion & Bunnies
On first blush it appeared there were no historical figures that would not trump the Minutemen. I was SO wishing tantric sex guru Sting was from LA. However through the greatness of Wikipedia, I discovered that “The minutemen were 25 years old or younger, and were chosen for their enthusiasm, political reliability, and strength.” I vote for 69 seconds with the boys from Mass over the Girls Next Door. And the surprising tie-breaker victory goes to LA.
By a minute, Boston comes through and is lovable. LA – You are the hatred champion in Jules inaugural Hierarchy of Hate post.
SD: As Turner put it – it is up to each of us on how to define ‘quality’. A fair argument could be made that says since Harvard has produced fifty billionaires it is the highest quality. But, you see, I chose to attend Florida State. Quality to me has to at least factor in the abundance of tan bodies and tailgates. So while the kids at UCLA and USC may be less likely to go on to make billions, they are much more likely to be able to tell you the proper offensive play on fourth and goal from the two yard line, show their mid-riff without causing you to go blind from the glare and yet still land a good job upon graduation. That is a tough combination to beat, so in my twisted world view that makes UCLA and USC higher ‘quality’ than Harvard. Of course, that kind of logic is the exact reason why I couldn’t get into Harvard even in my dreams, so take that for what it is.
A runaway win for the yellow and purple clad boys from the city of Angels. I’m glad to see that twenty years later, my original instinct to side with Showtime, Magic and Pat Riley against Larry, Parrish, McHale and the Beantown boys has been validated. Go Lakers, make Jack happy and bring home another title.
Turner: One defines quality many ways. As you have probably already read, I’m sure Super Dave went straight for the USC cheerleaders. So typical and one-side minded. I want to focus on the quality of individuals that have been products of two great Universities, Harvard vs. USC. Are you thinking, Presidents, Astronauts, Senators…..
NO — let’s look at who has produced and trained the greatest criminal.
This will be Ted Kaczynski (Harvard) vs. O.J. Simpson (USC).
What a power match-up. Who do you hate more, The Unabomber or the Glove (and now the Las Vegas hotel kidnapper – still innocent?!?!)
Ted Kaczynski – (a.k.a. prisoner number 04475-046 in Florence Colorado (where Kobe Beef should be)). Math genius, Harvard brilliant student. Killed three people over 20+ years, one method of terror and legal problems. Sick, disturbed man but brilliant.
O.J. (a.k.a. The Juice) – 2 dead and here are his other issues: Overdue Taxes, DirecTV Satellite Piracy, Las Vegas Robbery, Illegal Contact with Co-Defendant. This man has problems and is guilty but is smart (or rich) enough to not get thrown in jail (yet). In addition, he has one notable accomplishment that Mr. Ted never accomplished, playing Officer Nordberg in the Naked Gun series (genius movie series, much like Fletch!)
Very difficult on the hatred scale
Must have a difficult decision here… First off, what a waste of a great mind and most certainly it had to due with the longevity of the terror he imposed. O.J. is just a freakin’ idiot (but great actor). He used his money and fame to his advantage to avoid jail thus far, wasted millions of dollars, and is just a fool. I believe that I’m too close to this but I must go with Nordberg. Although he brought Kato into our lives and wasted our time with that waste of a human, he just doesn’t deserve any credit in the THH. So one more hatred for LA.
Here we are with a Game 5 in this series. Tied 2-2 with the hatred…… Getting tense, going back to Boston!
[Ed. Note: We know that Game 5 is played in L.A., we just aren’t telling Turner]
#5: Song of the City – Veering off the agreed upon title.
Couldn’t pass up the tie-breaker. We are going with the ultimate match-up:
Straight Outta Compton (N.W.A) vs. Sweet Caroline (Neil Diamond)
Ultimate Clash in genre here.
Straight Outta While I can’t type the lyrics of this N.W.A Classic, I get so pumped up when this goes on. My pinto with hydraulics and spinning rims just starts hopping and I throw my bandana on and go rip some s*** up. It is what makes me a man.
Sweet Caroline (1969 – need I say more?) – What an inspiration to young Caroline Kennedy after the death of JFK. Brings tears to my eye (sweatband needed)… Plus, when the chorus goes off, my loins tingle and I start shouting uncontrollably. I’m getting excited right here right now. I love just shouting ‘So Good, So Good, So Good!” Remember, I’m married so my opportunity to yell that is fairly limited.
So with that, I’m going to put my 69 LP on the record player, crank it up and go watch game 1. I love you Neil, don’t ever change.
With that, LA is hated and will be the champion of the 2008 NBA THH. Those of you familiar with my viewpoints of life you realize the shock of having a Northeastern team less hated than any other region of the country. What an upset. Down with you Kobe and O.J. (oops, shouldn’t write that) and lift your Sam Adams High and just shout “Oh, Oh, Oh! Good times ever seemed so good”
Good luck Clover leafs!!
