Over the last month, we here at PFB headquarters have put aside our American football myopia and spent time following the World’s game. Now after countless games and countless discriminatory comments against countries around the World we are down to the final two. The Netherlands and Spain have made it to the final game, casting aside most of the regular suspects along the way.

While it is convenient to think of this as two underdog surprises making it to the Championship game, given that neither has ever carried off that ugly little statue before, it should be noted that in the FIFA Rankings coming into the World Cup, Spain ranked #2 and the Netherlands ranked #4. Basically this is the equivalent of two numbers one seeds playing for the NCAA basketball tournament title.

So, with little natural or historic hatred of either team or country, who to cheer on this weekend? Glad you asked. Just follow our handy 11 step decision criteria and you will know who your team should be.

As always, I am joined by my fellow THHers, Turner and the Shadow, so you have 3 different perspectives on who to cheer on. Though obviously only one is really important (look for the SD). Special props to Turner this week. After repeatedly being the Ferris Bueller of THH (“Ferris has been absent 9 times, Mrs. Bueller. Nine Times”), he was the first one done this week. His reward? A first class ticket to New Hampshire. Seriously.

Why did we choose 11 decisions? Well, clearly you have not been watching close enough at the number of players on the pitch.

And you call yourself a soccer fan.

Shadow: Well, here we are on the cusp of a World Cup final featuring two first time finalists.  But no United States…..and no England…..and no Brazil……and no Argentina…..and no Germany…….seems like any team I pulled for in the WC inevitably lost.  I am the kiss of death for soccer teams.  So it is Netherlands versus Spain.  Now whose dream am I going to kill?  Not sure, but luckily SD has come to the rescue with a handy dandy WC Final THH.  In 10 simple steps I can find out which team I am going to jinx.  That is about 9 1/2 steps more than I need to figure out I won’t be watching much soccer for another 4 years.

 

1 – National Anthem: Het Wilhelmus (The William) vs. La Marcha Real (The Royal March)

SD: This one is easy for me. The William is just a little too ‘summer wedding in a garden’ for me. The Royal March on the other hand almost sounds like an opera. You can almost picture a fat man wearing lots of make-up singing it. Or maybe I am thinking of Al Roker on the Today Show this morning. Either way, it is Spain all the way.

Netherlands 0, Spain 1

Turner: La March Real dominates the opening match of national anthems.  You can just picture the King and Queen standing there as it plays.  In addition, the fact that the Netherlands didn’t even have one till 1932 and called it “the William”?    Weak.  Spain takes the opening strike and leads 1-0.

Shadow: I hate it when athletes refer to themselves in the third person, so there is no way I am voting for an anthem called “The William”.

Spain: 1  Netherlands:  0

 

2 – Nickname/Team Colors: The Oranje vs. La Furia Roja (Red Fury)

SD: Yes, I know the Netherlands adopted the color orange in honor of the House of Orange leading a revolt that gave the Dutch independence from Spain. While this seems particularly appropriate for this game, The Orange just makes me think of that dumb Syracuse mascot. Not exactly scary. The Red Fury however reminds of that big red mean thing from Looney Tunes. I loved that guy. Onward Espana!

 Netherlands 0, Spain 2

Turner: The Oranje answers back immediately with their Nickname / Color.  The all orange is fantastic, what I don’t understand is why does Syracuse not adopt similar uniforms? I don’t understand how a team can be called the Red Fury and 1) they don’t usually wear red and 2) you don’t get to be a Fury when you don’t score a lot of goals.  1-1.

Shadow: Are you intimidated by anything that’s main color is orange….well, I know Turner would say yes, since he is afraid of Oompa-Loompas.  Matching a power color and an action noun makes much more sense

Spain: 2 Netherlands:0

 

3 – Hotter Actress: Famke Janssen vs. Penelope Cruz

SD; For geeky sci-fi fan boys, Janssen will always hold a special place in their hearts from her role in the X-Men. I, however, am not a geeky sci-fi fan boy. The role I most remember her from is playing a transsexual on Nip/Tuck. Not exactly conducive to lustful thoughts. At least not for me, but I don’t judge. Penelope on the other hand with that accented broken English, not to mention that ridiculous body, is pretty damn hot. Even if her role as a nut job in Vicki Christina Barcelona was just a little too realistic.

Netherlands 0, Spain 3

Turner: Penelope Cruz vs. Famke Jansen.  Penelope would essentially make this a 100-0 game but unfortunately she squeaks this one out in PK’s because of her time with Tom Cruise. That almost caused an immediate red card.  Spain 2-1

Shadow: Utter weakness for redheads surfacing and Penelope’s fiery Spanish heritage is no match for it. 

Spain:  2   Netherlands:  1

 

4 – Signature Meal: cheese and Heineken vs. Iberian Ham and red wine

SD: It is hard to imagine I would turn down any meal involving cheese, but it is going up against pork. I actually used to loathe Heineken for some reason (the first few times I had it I remember it being ‘salty’ and I am about 78% sure my buddies hadn’t played a gross trick on me) but over time I have grown to enjoy it. But today, I am feeling in more of a red wine and pork type of place. Maybe it is the unseasonably cool Denver weather. So Spain, gets the nod in this choice that in reality should have no losers. Outside of our arteries of course.

Netherlands 0, Spain 4

Turner: Cheese & Heineken vs. Iberian Ham & Red Wine:  Interesting that typically you get Ham and Cheese or Wine and Cheese but the combinations just don’t work out.  What about queso – is that Spanish?  Sad that SuperDave didn’t pick Tapas.  I find those a gigantic waste of space as well.  This one is a draw in the Turner house-hold.  I’m not really a fan of any of the 4 options so we have nil-nil draw.  Spain 2-1-1

Shadow: Comfort food versus a measure of sophistication.  Both have their places, but in an event of this magnitude, the edge has to go to the classier meal

 Spain:  3   Netherlands:  1 

5 – Player whose name could be a Bond villain: Mark Van Bommel vs. Cesc Fabregas

SD: It is hard to go against my boy Cesc, captain of Arsenal but this one is no contest. Not only does Mark Van Bommel sound like he could be a Bond villain, I am pretty sure he actually was a Bond villain. Probably back in the dreadful Timothy Dalton days that we have all tried to forget.

Turner: At a bit of a disadvantage because unlike the Shadow and SuperDave, I don’t watch movies.  Not doing any research on the role of the villain and only on name, you have to go with Van Bommel.  The having a ‘Mark’ first name puts it as a bit of a disadvantage but I’ve often thinking of changing my last name to Van Turner.  It really makes you sound impressive.  Febregas is what I get when I eat too many pinto beans.   All tied up 2-2-1

Shadow: Neither has the flair of an Ernst Blofeld, and I think the fact that Cesc is actually short for Francesc, which is basically the same as “Frank” means we better keep this to a battle of last names.   Can I see Daniel Craig shouting “Van Bommel!” angrily at a fleeing helicopter, or making some snide remark about the unfortunately named Fabregas being silent but deadly.  I think the Van Bommel’s have it.

Spain:  3   Netherlands:  2

6 – Capital City: Amsterdam vs. Madrid

SD: I have been to neither of these cities. But I have been to Spain’s second biggest city, Barcelona so I feel like I have a general idea about Madrid. Amsterdam on the other hand we all know about even if we haven’t been there. Yes, in my younger days the Red Light district would have been enticing but I am getting too old for contact highs and sexually transmitted diseases. Give me the historic muesumplein and the other sights. Wow, I am old. This is making me depressed. I could use a little herbal remedy to make me feel better. Which just strengthens Amsterdam’s win.

Netherlands 2, Spain 4

Turner: No brainer on this one.  If I could go window shopping anywhere in the world, it would be in Amsterdam.  How much Windex do you think they use?  Nothing against Madrid because I have no opinion but I can’t imagine the scene is anywhere near as impressive as the great Amsterdam.   Netherlands 3-2-1

Shadow: I am pretty sure I am too tame to partake of many of the diversions offered in Amsterdam, but dammit, I love a city that just says to hell with it and stretches the laissez-faire philosophy to near the breaking point.  By comparison Madrid looks like your puritanical first grade teacher, Miss Blightly

Spain: 3   Netherlands:  3

7 – Monarch: Queen Beatrix of Netherlands vs. Juan Carlos I of Spain

SD: This might be the very best thing about this World Cup championship – each country has a monarch! How great is that? There just aren’t enough Kings and Queens left in the world today. Call me a romantic but I love the idea of people running a country and wearing fancy robes and carrying scepters and stuff just because they are the offspring of some medieval in-breds. I will go with Beatrix on this one. There just aren’t enough Beatrix’s around these days. And Juan Carlos I? How has the country of Spain made it this long without another Juan Carlos? Weak, Spain. Weak.

Netherlands 3, Spain 4

Turner: Almost more impressed with a King that can still exist.  Queens are a dime a dozen.  The fact that Juan Carlos wins this one really goes to his wife.  Marrying Sophia of Greece AND Denmark makes it even better.  Tag-teaming 2 countries is pretty impressive and I’m sure she was really hot in her 20’s.  Plus, to rub it in Netherland’s face that Denmark destroys Holland probably has to be a shot into some competitive rivalry.  All tied 3-3-1

Shadow: Juan Carlos transformed Spain from a Dictatorship to a parliamentary democracy.  He has done more for Spain than Beatrix has had to do for the Netherlands.  Enough said.

Spain:  4   Netherlands:  3

8 – Famous Painter: Vincent Van Gogh vs. Pablo Picasso

SD: I have to admire the commitment (or crazy) of a guy willing to chop off his own ear but I am going with Pablo. Van Gogh is sort of like Monet now; he is the default ‘favorite painter’ of every sorority girl that wants to pretend she is more sophisticated than would be indicated by last night’s keg stand. Picasso is also popular but then what is most impressive to me is all the phases he went through. We all know his weird later stuff, but we forget that he evolved to that after dabbling in a lot of different areas as he grew. I respect that, which is why I am planning on evolving from writing a non-sensical sports blog into becoming America’s hardest hitting investigative journalist and then writing a sequel to War and Peace

Netherlands 3, Spain 5

Turner: This is the Ali / Frazier of painters.  Unfortunately for Van Gogh, he ran up against my favorite artist of all time (yes, I’m into that stuff).   Pablo had to be seriously high on something when he came up with half of his stuff.   So everyone please lend me your ear, Spain leads 4-3-1.

Shadow: Only one of these men has a song written and sung about him by Don McLean.  And he cut off his own freaking ear!  Picasso popularized cubism…a style that hurts my brain.

Spain:  4   Netherlands:  4

 

9 – Olympics: 1928 Amsterdam Summer Olympics vs. 1992 Barcelona Summer Olympics

SD; Barcelona has three big things going for it: 1 – It was conducted in my lifetime so I have actual memories of it; 2 – It had the original Dream Team, which led all of us to learn that there is a country named Angola; 3 – I met and later became friends with the man named Fastest Man in the World there. However, credit should be given to Amsterdam for beginning many of the traditions we now know: lighting of the torch; standard 400 meter track; 16 day schedule; ubiquitous Coca-Cola ads. Without Amsterdam, what would the Olympics look like today? Always honor your predecessors.

Netherlands 4, Spain 5

Turner: Highlights of 1928: Introduction of the Olympic flame lighting and the parade of nations beginning with Greece and ending with host nation.  Highlights of 1992: Dream Team introduction and Derek Redmond of Great Britain ripping his hamstring and his dad helping him across the finish line (I cried watching this).  The introduction of the Dream Team ruined the Olympics.  While I enjoyed watching America destroy countries by 100 points, it defeated the entire purpose of the Olympics.  I’m going with pageantry and tradition over humiliation.  All tied 4-4-1

Shadow: Sorry, folks.  The only Olympics that matter were the ones conducted after I was born.  I refuse to acknowledge anything before then (except I did fully enjoy the movie, ‘Chariots of Fire’).  Oh yeah, 1992 in Barcelona also brought us the Dream Team

Spain: 5   Netherlands:  4

10 – Player whose name could be the bitchy, popular girl villain in a bad high school girl movie: Robin Van Persie vs. Joan Capdevila

SD: I can already picture poor Selena Gomez hidden behind thick glasses and greasy hair being picked on by that mean Robin Van Persie, as played by Taylor Swift. Sorry, Joan. Though if this question was “Player whose name could be the villainess bitch on a 3^rd rate soap opera” you would have dominated.

Netherlands 5, Spain 5

A tie! Just when I thought I rigged the contest for an easy Spain win, the Dutch make a major comeback. Which I guess is fitting for a soccer game. Too bad we can’t resolve this with penalty kicks by Famke and Penelope. On to the A.P. History tie breaker.

Turner: Great one thrown in here by SuperDave…  Another Van vs. the Devil.  I think any guy named Robin or Joan has to force it to be a draw.  The Netherlands almost scored but got called off-sides for going in the back door.  Because like all soccer matches we need to go to extra time!!!  Luckily for us we won’t have to wait for the referee to determine the end by a random tweeting of his whistle.  We go to the final category all tied up 4-4-2.

Shadow: If you are a bitchy, popular girl (kind of like Turner), and you manage to also have “evil” in your name…you have pretty much sewn up this debate.

Spain:6   Netherlands:  4

Well, looks like we won’t even need the tiebreaker, although as I am writing this closing, I keep expecting Michael Palin to burst into the room.  I would like to apologize beforehand to all of the fans of the Red Fury, since my promotion of their chances will almost certainly doom them.  It was nice caring about soccer for a month, but to be honest, since the Americans were bounced, I have begun counting the days to the first preseason games.  After this month, I really am “ready for some futbol”!

11 – Tie-Breaking Question: Historic Event that mirrors problems still occurring today: Tulip Mania (first asset bubble) vs. Spanish Inquisition (religious persecution)

SD: I have always been a finance/business guy by training so in theory I should gravitate toward the Tulip Mania that taught a lesson we still haven’t learned (see: internet bubble, housing bubble, NBA Free Agency attention bubble) but I am going with the Spanish Inquisition for one simple reason. Long before business class taught me about Tulips, a great man named Mel Brooks taught me about the Inquisition in one of my favorite movies. I can still sing along. For that, La Furia Roja get my loyalty for the weekend!

Netherlands 5, Spain 6

Turner: When I reflect back on our recent economic crisis, the first thing I went back to was Tulip Mania.  If we had done a better job of learning from the crisis in the 1600’s, we would have been taking out interest only loans on our house and playing so much in the future’s market.  I think our religious persecution isn’t near the pain of what they endured during the Spanish Inquisition (at least not according to Wikipedia’s summary).  If Wall Street, Lehman Brothers, Goldman-Sachs had smelled the flowers, we’d all be a lot richer.  With a Golden Goal, the Orange Crush wins the ultimate World Cup THH Trophy. 

Tagged as: final, netherlands, spain, world cup