In celebration of the world’s largest once-every-four-year sporting event (sorry Olympics), we are taking the Hierarchy of Hate global. After years of making fun of southerners and New Yorkers and Tim Tebow, we are now taking on entire countries. Frankly, I am a little nervous we could end up offending entire continents but as long as we avoid UN sanctions, I will consider this a success.
To provide some structure to this THH (I shudder to think what Turner would come up without any guidance on how to pick teams. I am guessing words like ‘fascist’ and ‘excessive body odor’ would appear frequently), we have come up with categories for picking each round robin group.
The initial round robin phase of the World Cup features eight groups of four teams each. We got together (ok, we got together virtually after many false starts and technical difficulties) and held our own World Cup Draw where we each drew two Groups and two Categories.
Today, we each take our individual assignments and tell you how to cheer for each individual group.
Tomorrow we come back with the final two groups, which we all picked.
Turner: HELLO READERS!!!! (I did this while pretending I was Robin Williams in Good Morning Vietnam (how did they not qualify!)), but then I remembered that it wouldn’t be good to do that as I’m sitting in a middle seat on a delayed United flight from Denver to the Happiest Place on Earth, Orlando. I also remembered that most folks (at their own loss) won’t know what I’m asking them to read; so I’m sitting here in 14B focused on what the next month has to bring to us in terms of sports excitement in complete isolation, just giddiness of what lies ahead of us for the next month. The next month is quite possibly the worst in terms of the sports calendar; our days are now filled with 2 – 3 soccer matches that will elicit the hatred feelings that we all have for some different parts of our global landscape. There is no better forum for us to begin outlining the arguments that will sway the voting on ‘The Streak’ (no points to the Shadow) over the next month. It has been a while since SuperDave has offered the Shadow and I the opportunity to offer our insights in this critically acclaimed blog but like the Olympics, our diverse abilities are being brought together to create a perfect quilt of insight into the stories you care most about with regards to this year’s World Cup.
So without further adieu, the THH is back (just like Slim Shady). Readers beware, The Shadow ‘randomly’ got the best category for research; he might already be in jail based on his results, I’m just as eager to read as you are..
Shadow: It is great to see THH go global with our first ever World Cup THH. This little exercise is sure to drum up some traffic for the blog, as there are many futbol (see I am not some jingoistic American who can’t say football without meaning the Broncos) fanatics out there who no doubt sit there at night inputting search strings into Google like “most beautiful women of world cup nations”. To think that SuperDave’s little corner of cyberspace may be frequented by rabid hooligans who will no doubt comment snidely about our lack of understanding of the “grand game” or explain that our THH categories are misguided if they don’t include some reference to religious schisms or past colonial wars. What an exciting time this will be. And to top it off, I get to actually watch soccer without being accosted by “true sports fans” who complain that the game is too boring, and there isn’t enough scoring, and the rules are hard to understand, etc., etc., etc… It is going to be a good month.
Group: A (South Africa, Mexico, France, Uruguay)
Category: Best Movie based or Filmed in-country
SD: Most Hated: #1 Uruguay – Poor Uruguay. On initial thought I assumed Uruguay was safe. I love Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid and was pretty sure Uruguay was where they went into hiding. Unfortunately, that was Bolivia (foiled by faulty memory again – damn you middle age). Perusing a list of movies from Uruguay, the description of the only one that sounds vaguely familiar is: “A chronicle of a supermarket security guard’s obsession with a late-shift janitor.” That is just sort of sad.
#2 South Africa – The true story of the South African rugby team winning the World Cup and in the process helping to heal the pain of apartheid is a great story. But I have a fundamental problem with Invictus; I don’t like fictionalized movies of a true story. Did we really need Matt Damon pretending to be a rugby player and Morgan Freeman’s almost too perfect Nelson Mandela impression to appreciate the story? Give me the book that it was based on or a documentary of the true story, any day. I don’t need Hollywood-added drama to appreciate a great story. For the record I also have this same grudge against Friday Night Lights (the movie) and The Blind Side. Separately, I hold a grudge against the movie The Blind Side for cutting off Sean Tuohy’s nuts and surgically implanting them in his wife, but that is a gripe for another day.
#3 Mexcio – I am sure there have been a ton of movies filmed in Mexico, but all of these are not necessarily about Mexico. I want to understand a country, Tony Bourdain style. I want to see how regular folks live there. I want to know what they eat; how they live. For Mexico, there is really only one movie that I think of that gives you a deeper understanding of how our neighbors to the south really live: Three Amigos.
Most Loved: #4 France – Ok, this is embarrassing to admit, but I always liked the movie French Kiss. Yes, it is just a lame romantic comedy but HBO showed it at least 4 times per day one summer in college so I ended up watching it roughly 4,357 times over the course of 3 months. There are a couple lines (not repeated here as an attempt to keep my nuts from being taken away Tuohy style) that I still quote today. Also, this movie might have represented Meg Ryan’s last watchable work before she broke ground in looking at plastic surgery as a lifestyle (years before this was perfected by fembot Heidi Montag). Sure, I have also seen other real French films (I always watch The Day of the Jackal on cable, I suffered through Last Tango in Paris once and every bar I go to these days, seems to like projecting old French art films on the wall) but Kevin Kline and Meg Ryan win this one for France. Viva la France!
<Editor’s Note: In purely film terms, Mexico might have actually been the winner here, but there is no chance I am cheering for Mexico. They are the Oakland Raiders to the U.S. team’s Denver Broncos. So, for that reason alone France wins.>
Group: B (Argentina, Greece, Nigeria, South Korea)
Category: Historic Moment
Turner: Argentina: Arguably their biggest defining moment was probably winning the World Cup or Maradona’s cocaine bust (but now he is the head coach) but since I’m trying to stay away from that topic there were a few other choices: the Falklands War and the establishment of Evita. Sadly, both ended not so good for Argentina. While the HOT Maria Eva Duarte de Peron (oh Madonna) passed away from cancer in 1974 (which sent the country into huge mourning), it probably doesn’t quite uphold to getting their butts kicked by the Fighting Thatchers of England. How great would have it been for England to have lost this one too but unfortunately they won out. What I don’t get is how do you lose on your own turf. England had to send folks from ½ way around the world to fight this one. A piss poor performance from Argentina, which will be almost as disappointing as their World Cup appearance this year as Messi can not carry his team to the glory land.
Greece: This one is hard due to the fact that Greece is the definition of history. I couldn’t actually go through everything so I’m going with the establishment of the Olympics. In terms of contribution to World Wide History, they probably take the gold. The invention of the Trojan (horse) isn’t probably far behind as is the ridiculous Marathon establishment or all that Socrates and those philosopher folks gave us but because of Greece, we’ve gotten to enjoy the likes of Sergei Bubka, drug-doping scandals, and too many hours of Bob Costas and Al Michaels inspiring stories of athletes rising to greatness or even the Jamaican Bobsled team. Good thing golf is being added to the Olympics, I bet that is what Greece had in mind.
Nigeria: Not a whole lot here outside of Civil and border wars so we’ll just go with the fact that in 1960, they escaped the fighting Rooney’s and kicked the UK out the door (see Argentina, this is how it is done). The Super Eagles might fly under the radar with their historical significance but they are entertaining to watch over the next month.
South Korea: Probably the easy answer here is the entire North Korea invasion of South Korea that has spawned wars involving our US folks and decades of terror and hatred. While that was important, there was the 2002 Olympic games when Kim Dong-Sung was disqualified for blocking our beloved Apollo Anton Ohno. It set off national outrage and controversy that has transformed into a rivalry of our 1 skater against their entire team (and country). We go in there and try to save their a$$’s in War and they block us and then get pissed. You are an outrage S.K.
In summary, most historical events generally centralize around War but I believe Argentina is going to be the THH champion of Group B. They advance to the quarterfinals along with South Korea. Nigeria doesn’t advance based on lack of historical importance and because of their greatness (reverse THH methodology) goes home as well.
Group D (Germany, Ghana, Serbia, Australia)
Category: Best Sports Moment
Shadow: I shall lay out the best moments in each country prior to finally ranking them at the end.
Germany: Germans have interesting tastes in sports. They are the driving force behind trying to get foosball recognized as an Olympic sport, as well as having a lot of love for the Olympics (even though probably the two “greatest” Olympic moments in German history both revolve around non-Germans…the Munich Olympic tragedy and Jesse Owens giving Hitler a big old F-U in Berlin). If you had to distill their athletic accomplishments down to a singular moment that would be classified as their “greatest”, it would be ludicrous to turn our back on the sport that made this post possible. While it would be nice to think that Boris Becker being the youngest person to win Wimbledon, or Michael Schumacher dominating the sport of Formula One like no one else in history, would stand a chance…but in the end, Germany is a futbol country, and their national team is their pride. Thus, their greatest sports moment, would have to be their first ever winning of the World Cup in 1954. They came in unseeded, got blasted early in the tourney 8-3 by Hungary, but in a game that has come to be dubbed “The Miracle of Bern” the pulled off a stunning upset of those same Hungarians in the final. They have gone on to win 2 more cups, but as most fans will tell you, the first one is usually the sweetest.
Ghana: Have you ever heard the name, Ferdie Adoboe? If you guessed this was a long lost member of the Black Eyed Peas, you are incorrect. This gentleman, a native of Ghana, holds an impressive World Record, which certainly has to be Ghana’s greatest sports moment: he holds the world record in the 100 meter dash with a time of 12.7 second. Impossible, you say? A time that is over 3 seconds slower than the incomparable Usain Bolt? Well…I neglected to mention that this was the WR for running it backwards! If you don’t think that is a great achievement, go outside right now and try to come even close to it.
Serbia: In its prior incarnation as “Yugoslavia”, basketball was probably the sport where this country enjoyed its greatest successes. While it would be nice to tip the cap to their under-21 team who in 1987 defeated the US in both pool play and the final, since Yugoslavia disintegrated into Civil War, we will never know what a combined Yugo team might have done against the Dream Team in 1992, and thus we will focus instead on a medal they did win. Gold, to be specific in 1980. Sure, the Americans had boycotted, and that certainly colors the result, but Serbia (ne Yugoslavia) still went out and won the medal over the Soviet machine, which was still in the process of churning out world class athletes. It is the only time Yugoslavia won gold at an Olympics in basketball.
Australia: Put another shrimp on the baaaarbie! The Sydney Opera House. Crocodile Dundee. A funny “football” game played with hard to discern scoring rules. And Olivia Newton-John. That pretty much sums up my knowledge of Australia during my teenage years. Oh…and kangaroos. It really wasn’t until the 2000 Sydney Olympics that I even spent any time thinking about sports in Australia. I have since learned that that weird football game is their top spectator sport, with cricket coming in right behind it. Their futbol team is nicknamed the “Socceroos” which damn near forces me to just automatically disqualify them from this category and declare them the most hated. I will give them a pass, barely, and pick a real moment. In 1983, a boat called Australia II, successfully wrestled the America’s Cup from the NY Yacht Club for the first time in 132 years.
So, where do these achievements rank?
1. Germany is clearly top dog, with multiple World Cups won, not to mention a history of doping, cheating, and general malfeasance.
2. I have to give the second slot to Australia..and I am sure SD and Turner will say that the sting of America losing something is at least offset by it being the NY Yacht Club getting smoked…since NY is a frequent visitor to THH land.
3. Serbia’s gold medal in the 1980 Olympics, as well as them pretty much being the poster child for successful international players making it in the NBA, lands it at number 3.
4. Ghana…poor Ghana. While running the 100 meters backwards in sub-13 seconds is impressive, it really doesn’t hold a candle here….so they have the lamest “greatest sports moment” and thus will be receiving the most hate in this group.
Group F (Italy, Paraguay, New Zealand, Slovakia)
Category: Most Beautiful Women
Shadow: Let’s be honest. There are no need for words here. Words get in the way, words are extraneous. Ranked in reverse order with least beautiful women to most beautiful women…so the first country you see is also the recipient of the “hate”. The pictures tell the story, and they never lie.
4. Slovakia
For every one of these: (this is Slovakian tennis player Daniela Hantukova)
There were 5 of these:
That is not good. I officially hate Slovakia….and mainly for not having enough hot tennis players.
3. Paraguay (I officially became a huge fan of javelin in Athens even though she finished 42 out of 45)
And yet…Paraguay Track and Field also brings us this:
2. New Zealand
Did you know they have cheerleaders for Rugby? They do. And we thank them for it, whoever “they” are.
Since we are talking soccer, should one of those shots in here too:
And lastly, one report also showed an upwards trend in size for certain attributes of New Zealand women…I will let you guess which:
In all of my exhaustive research, however, nothing compared to the bevy of beautiful Italian women. I had a hard time choosing just these few shots….but it was the most fun researching a THH I have had in a long time.
Ah…..Viva Italia!!
Group: G (Category of Death: Ivory Coast, Portugal, Brazil, North Korea)
Category: Best Local Food
SD: Most Hated: #1 North Korea. Even if North Korea didn’t have an insane dictator who apparently thinks he is some combination of Elvis, Jesus and Tiger Woods they would face a tough match-up here. The most iconic food on the Korean peninsula is kimchi. That is fermented cabbage. So, Korea brings partially rotted vegetables and a leader whose best doppelganger is Stewie Griffin (very short, bent on world domination yet ultimately impotent). That is not a recipe for getting love in THH.
#2 Ivory Coast. It is a tough time in the Ivory Coast. Not only are they ranked low in THH (which I am sure is tough to swallow – how many food related puns can I fit in?) but their superstar Didier Drogba breaks his arm in a warm-up game and will at best be playing injured all through the World Cup. On the bright side for the I.C.ers, their love of a fried plantain easily led them past the North Koreans in THH. Sort of how Drogba could get one arm amputated and still beat the Koreans on the pitch.
#3 Brazil. Interestingly Brazil has a similar cuisine to the Ivory Coast. Root vegetables, rice, seafood. But they get the edge here thanks to the American trend of those ‘brazilian steakhouses’ where they just bring you all-you-can-eat meat products until you cry “batente”. In a completely unrelated note, Americans are overwhelmingly obese and dying of heart disease. But you can’t blame Brazil for that. I haven’t been to Brazil but I am guessing there aren’t a lot of Fogo De Chao’s in Sao Paolo. They may not be truly Brazilian but I always appreciate restaurants that are heavy on the meat products. Combine that with more authentic Brazilian restaurants I like, and the Green and Gold get the nod over the Ivory Coast.
Most Loved: #4 Portugal. A run-away winner. A country that focuses on wine, cheese, seafood and pork products is the culinary equivalent of Portugal’s own soccer star – Christiano Ronaldo: excelling at every aspect out of the game yet leaving you feeling vaguely uncomfortable after enjoying too much.
Group: H (Chile, Honduras, Spain, Switzerland)
Category: Tourist Attraction
Turner:
Chile: One no-brainer here with Easter Island just off the coast. A great learning moment for Turner in this research as I didn’t know this is where Easter Island was located. How did these get there, how did they get created, why did they not make one that looks like me? All questions the world has been grappling with. While that would be the top tourist attraction, I’d rather visit and make the trek that the Argentinean soccer club that crashed in the Andes made to save their lives. I wonder if that goat farmer is still there waiting for folks to make their way through the valley. What a great story, that is what I’d visit if I went there and since this is my post, I’m going with that.
Honduras: Scorpions, Monkeys, Snakes, Guerilla Warfare…. Hmmm…… I guess the top attraction is the Archeological Park of Copán which are the Mayan ruins located in Honduras. That is really all I have here. Nothing more, nothing less. Honduras can be like Texas and just go away for all I care.
Spain: I’m sure SuperDave will have great input here since he spends ½ his vacations in Spain eating Tapas and dancing the night away. If I go with my 1 thing to visit, I’d have to go with the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona. Is there anything funnier to watch on TV? I think not. The genius of running on cobblestone streets with a ton animal with 2 spears on its head is a good idea? If you are considering, here are some guidelines for you (number 5 seems like it is not needed?)…
- It is forbidden to run if are under 18.
- Never, ever run if you are drunk or excessively tired.
- Do not carry items such as cameras, videos, backpacks, etc.. They´ll get damaged or impede your exit. Unsuitable clothing or footwear is forbidden.
- You must enter the route at an official gate either at the Plaza Consistorial or at the Plaza del Mercado. Gates close at 7.30am.
- Never stand still during the run.
- While running you must be sure to look all around you. Up ahead for other runners who might trip you and behind for the bulls. This is not a race and you won’t be able to run the entire route so have in mind beforehand a spot where you plan to exit. The bulls run very fast and will be ahead of you before you know it.
- Do not try to touch the bulls or catch their attention as a distracted bull may decide to break from the herd. A lone bull is extremely dangerous and much more likely to attack. Also the drovers, who carry very large poles, do not tolerate messing and freely whack offenders.
- If you should fall there is one and only one thing to do. Stay down and cover your head. When all the bulls have passed someone will tap you on the shoulder to let you know you’re safe. It was by attempting to stand up that Peter Mathews Tasio was fatally gored. You may receive some bumps and bruises but that should be all.
- If you happen to run the last section of the route into the bullring then upon entering the ring spread out to the sides and let the drovers do their work of sidling the bulls into the pen. There will be a lot of runners in the ring and again a distracted bull can cause serious danger.
Switzerland: So many options here on the Great Switzerland. From watch factories to lake Lucerne to chocolate to girls (women) yodeling… what a great place. I want a little swiss woman in one of those outfits to knock on my hotel door. Room 1359, please. My tourist attraction here is the Matterhorn. Why? because I spent an entire day of my life standing in the God-forsaken line at Disneyland last week so my 3 year old could ride it. A freakin’ 20 second bobsled ride that sucked hundreds of dollars out of my wallet. I don’t care about the actual mountain, the fact that Disney has taken a nice looking mountain, planted some fake snow monsters in it and charges me $200 to stand in 100 degree weather to have others drip sweat on me is NOT fun. However since my son loved it so much, we did it about 10 times.
In summary, if I had to visit these countries, Honduras seems to easily run away with the THH category here. No reason to attend in my lifetime with Switzerland a close 2nd (it is Disney’s fault, not yours little Swiss Girl). Looks like they’ll be advancing and Chile & Spain will be heading home but don’t worry, The Turner Clan will be booking travel to your country very soon.
Peace out readers, enjoy the kick-off!
