In honor of Conference championship week – a historically important week if there ever was one – and the fact that all of my archives before June were wiped out, I have decided to re-post the live commentaries I wrote for the last two AFC title games. Today, will be the 2008 game between the 17-0 Patriots and the Chargers. Tomorrow we will come back with last year’s game then round out the week with a special preview of this year’s two games and of course the Championship weekend THH. Then we wrap it all up Monday with the live commentary from this year’s AFC title game. Much like Brett Favre are going out in style. And, again much like Favre, we probably aren’t actually going out.  

AFC Championship Game – Live! (2007)

OK, I lied to you. I said I would be doing a special Championship Game Hierarchy of Hate, but I have decided to call an audible (you can’t see me but my arms are waving Peyton-style right now). Rather than come up with some arcane reason to cheer for the Patriots and Packers I have decided to go with a live running commentary of the AFC title game as seen from my couch.  I assume that everyone else is also rooting for these teams, as one team brings Captain America and the other is named the Patriots and could be the best team of our lifetimes. If you’re not? Well, don’t be surprised to be the subject of Bill O’Reilly’s Talking Points on Monday. Traitor.

Let’s jump right to watching the game.

Pre-Game

• How hard must it be for Dan Marino to watch the preparations and realize that Billy Volek and Philip Rivers could be going to the Super Bowl? Any time I don’t see one of his hands, I assume he is digging a pencil into his leg to keep from choking Boomer Esiason.
• Sam Ryan checks in to tell us that several of the Giants aren’t wearing sleeves in the super-zero temps at Lambeau to ‘make a statement’. This is the statement I think it makes: “I’m dumb”.
• I just realized that Bill Cowher looks like Bart Bryant. A favorite of mine since Turner and I did a Hierarchy of Hate for the Accenture Match Plays last year. Our running joke was whether he looked more like a high school shop teacher or one of those creepy guys driving vans around elementary schools. Almost a year later, it is still too close to call.
• I always thought that Jim Nantz had to be one of the coolest guys around since he gets to announce NFL games, March Madness and the Masters. Today he out-did himself as he apparently penned a Symphony for the introduction to the game. The man has no limits.

1^st Quarter

• Shockingly, the Chargers open up with two Tomlinson runs up the middle with their quarterback and leading receiver injured. Who would’ve thunk? Norv really is a genius.
• Do you think when Luis Castillo and Shawne Merriman shoot each other up they go for between the toes or the butt? I am guessing they are toes men.
• First commercial for a new sitcom, The Captain. Though with George Bluth Sr. in it, it can’t be too bad, right? Who would’ve thought he and George Michael would go on to the most success after Arrested Development finished? Other than her questionable taste in women, what could possibly be keeping Portia De Rossi from being the leading lady in any romantic comedy?
• Colts have come out passing with LT on the sideline on the second drive, nice change of pace by Norv. I get the feeling that LT may be mostly a decoy today, every Patriot seems to be selling out to stop him.
• If Tony Bourdain is watching this game, I imagine he would describe this quarter as ‘punterific’.
• OK, I admit these ‘Dude’ commercials crack me up. Maybe it is a generational thing but ‘dude’ really can be used in any situation. Like aloha in Hawaii.
• Neither team has any sort of running game and the wind is playing havoc with the passing game. This could be an excruciating game to watch. Where is Gisele when we need her?
• Dude!?!
  • (Translation: Brady is intercepted by Quentin Jammer)
• Nate Kaeding shakes off the hangover from sneaking shots of Schnapps at last night’s Junior High Winter Formal and makes it 3-0 Chargers. I would call that a win for the Patriots defense. Other than Chris Chambers, the Chargers offense is doing nothing.
• Patriots are starting to find new wrinkles to move the ball, a reverse to Moss and then a swing pass to Faulk. This is why they are undefeated. They probe until they find your weakness and then exploit it. Sort of like the velociraptors from Jurassic Park.

2^nd Quarter

• The Patriots have decided to attack the San Diego defense at the edges and it seems to be working. I guess steroids don’t help lateral speed.
• Dude!!
  • (Translation: Touchdown New England)
• That Fed-Ex commercial with the guy with birds in his beard is a blatant rip-off of a Family Guy episode. I smell Stewie eviscerating a Fed-Ex delivery guy in the first episode after the writer’s strike ends.
• Widefield’s finest with three 15-20 yard catches on this drive. If Philip Rivers and Vincent Jackson are picking apart this defense, what could Brett Favre, Donald Driver and Greg Jennings do?
• My ‘expert’ analysis? The vintage Pats linebackers are selling out to stop the run and aren’t quick enough to drop back into coverage but this problem seems mitigated when they get in the red zone as everything is compressed.
• Kaeding sends another kick through the up-rights. Two field goals against the Patriots – that is definitely going on his facebook page right next to his World of Warcraft avatar. 7-6 Patriots.
• Should we start working on Norv’s post game speech right now? “I think we played really well today but when you are playing a team like the Patriots, you can’t keep settling for field goals.”
• Just as I am writing that the Pats should have gone for it on 4^th and 3, Kelley Washington helps pin the Bolts on the 3-yard line. Even though he is now a special teamer, I am sure he is happy to have escaped the Benglas to the Patriots if for no other reason than to keep his police record clean.
• Rivers godinas a pass to Assante Samuel who takes it out of Chris Chambers arms. In Chambers defense, he probably never saw a quarterback get rid of the ball while being sacked when he was with the Dolphins.
• You can’t give the Patriots the ball inside your own 30. Two plays and Brady to Gaffney for a touchdown. 14-6.
• Norv loves the deep out. This will lead to one of two things happening. Either we are going to get an interception from a corner jumping the route or a Charger touchdown on an out-and-up.
• Another Rivers pick! He is self-destructing faster than I can type. Come on Philip, at least talk a little trash for a few minutes so I can get caught up.
• Moss selfishly comes inside and blocks two Chargers on a run that Kevin Faulk bounces outside for an 8-yard gain. Man, that guy only cares about himself.
• Darren Sproles pretends he is playing against Brent Musburger’s favorite team – the 2004 Oklahoma Sooners and busts a long run up the middle. Somewhere, Jason White just paused at his mail sorting machine and winced.
• Another Kaeding field goal just before half. Rather than coming up with creative ways of saying it after every field goal today, given that at this rate we may see about seven, let me be clear. Nate Kaeding looks like he is twelve.

Halftime: 14-9 Patriots. Let’s kick it back to the studio.

3^rd Quarter

• Cromartie covers Moss and every Seminole fan has a heart palpitation. If only those two had started more than a combined 1 game while at FSU, the Seminoles might still be relevant.
• Interception by the Chargers as Donte Stallworth bump-sets a pass to Drayton Florence. I am going to go out on a limb: if your team has 6 good receivers and you cause an interception, you aren’t seeing too many more passes coming your way. Nor are you going to get to have dinner with one of the Bundchen sisters.
• Vincent Jackson continues to use the playoffs to sucker someone into drafting him 4 rounds too high in next year’s fantasy draft. Next year, that won’t be me, so you can pretty much count on a record year for him.
• Chargers stuffed on 3^rd and short, so young Master Kaeding comes out and knocks through another field goal. 14-12 Patriots.
• Junior Seau went surfing instead of watching last year’s Patriot – Charger playoff game that he couldn’t play because he was hurt? Yet, he is the ultimate ‘team guy’ and Randy Moss is a team cancer for leaving the field with 10 seconds to play in a blowout loss. I don’t really know what to do with this but it makes me like Seau significantly less (which I didn’t think was actually possible).
• I am such a dork, that Jordan commercial with high school videos of big stars gives me goosebumps. For some reason my high school highlight reel isn’t quite as impressive as these.
• Uh oh, if Maroney is starting to peel off 10-yard carries (two on this drive) that can’t be a good omen for the Charger defense.
• DUDE!
  • (Translation: Huge pick by Cromartie in the end zone)
• You get the feeling that in about 2 years we are going to start seeing graphics that show some of the complete busts drafted before Cromartie, accompanied by mocking and sarcastic comments by the announcers.
• How many Patriots fans just swore bodily harm on the CBS producer that decided to point out Brady’s last red zone interception was to Champ Bailey in the loss to the Broncos in the divisional playoffs two years ago? I am guessing the number is not insignificant.

4^th Quarter

• (Holding up 4 fingers like every college team because, you know, they all own the 4^th quarter)
• To use a favorite cliché of announcers everywhere, the Patriots are starting to impose their will on the Chargers. They are reeling off 9 yards per play right now.
• Going back to the Jurassic Park analogy, we just reached the moment in the movie when Muldoon gets surrounded and eaten by the Velociraptors. Brady to Welker, touchdown. 21-12.
• I think the Chargers might set a record for highest percentage of completions between 15-20 yards downfield. That seems like all they are completing.
• Anyone considering cheering for the Chargers should take into consideration that Phil Mickelson cheers for them. That should be all you need to know to expect a lot of late game disappointment.
• Is it just me or does that Pepsi commercial with the Cowboys calling ‘60-stretch farllllaaaa’ sum up why they aren’t playing this weekend? Jerry Jones wants to meddle too much, Wade Phillips isn’t smart enough to call a needed timeout and Tony Romo tries to make a play and fails.
• The Chargers defense plays surprisingly well for a unit coached by Dusty Baker. Though that helps explain the ambivalence toward the use of steroids by his stars.
• If I had a vote, Kevin Faulk would be the MVP of this game. His early swing passes, runs around the corner and two clutch 3^rd down receptions on this clock-killing drive have kept the Patriots moving when things were sputtering.
• Another Patriot first down with 3:20 to play and no Charger time-outs. That be the ballgame folks.
• So in the least shocking development of the season, the Patriots win the AFC Championship. I will (grudgingly) give credit to Norv and Rivers. For a loud mouth jerk, Rivers played a good game on one leg. Norv accepted that the Patriots were going to force him to throw to his receivers to move the ball and that was the game he called. With no threat of LT down deep though, their red zone offense had no good answer.

That’s it for me, I hope you enjoy Captain America on the frozen tundra tonight. Next week, we start the countdown to the Super Bowl.

Tagged as: 2008, afc championship, chargers, new england, patriots, san diego