In the NFL, ‘gun slinger’ is a term of endearment for a quarterback with a strong arm that tends to throw high risk, high reward passes. Of course, these quarterbacks are polarizing to their teams and fans. They can be heroes if they complete the miracle pass or can be goats if their mistakes cost them the game.
They can also be loathed by their teams and fans if the same out of control egos and selfish confidence makes them believe they are more important their team.
NOTE: I’m really not trying to make this a personal attack on Jay Cutler and Brett Favre, really I am not, it just seems that way.
Anyway, thanks to the presence of Cutler and Favre, the NFC North is the unquestioned Gunslinging capital of the NFL. However, that doesn’t mean it is the only division that would have fit in well wearing black back in the old west.
While Favre and Cutler’s antics may antagonize fans and teammates, they at least keep their crimes limited to the world of football.
With two Pittsburgh Steelers facing legal trouble this spring, and another Brown getting arrested it is official; the AFC North is the least law-abiding division of the NFL. The NFL’s real outlaw division.
Every single team in the AFC North has had players with run-ins with the law:
Ravens: Officially Ray Lewis never stabbed a guy with a knife outside of an Atlanta night club. Also, officially Lewis quit being an elite linebacker a couple years ago. However as the saying goes ‘perception is reality’. The same rationale that lets announcers continue to label Ray one of the best in the game, is the same rationale that I can use to say Ray, at a minimum, was an accomplice to a man’s death.
Bengals: I don’t have the time, energy or page count to list all of the crimes committed by the Orange and Black Gang over the years. Let’s just say, if your last name isn’t Palmer and you play for the Bengals, you probably have an arrest record in Hamilton County. And I can say that only because I am choosing to ignore that Jordan Palmer stole a roster spot from a more deserving player.
Browns: Just last week, Shaun Rogers was arrested for ‘accidentally’ trying to bring a loaded gun on a plane. Last year, Braylon Edwards got himself banished to Elba (I mean New Jersey) for punching a friend of the Akron Hammer. Former Browns wide receiver (and now Raven) Donte Stallworth killed a man while driving impaired in Miami last year. Apparently after seeing the Bengals turn around their play and make the playoffs this year after a multi-year crime spree, the Browns are trying to follow the same game plan. Unfortunately that plan doesn’t take into account the crime against humanity that has been the Browns quarterback play for the last decade.
Steelers: Big Ben appears to be about to escape charges after being accused of a second sexual assault in two years. Santonio Holmes appears to be about to be cleared of assault charges from some sort of bar room encounter. Unfortunately he also faces a suspension for substance abuse, coming after years of being relatively open about his pot use (first sign you shouldn’t ever use Twitter: Tweeting about ‘waking and baking’). So, Santonio has a problem putting down the pipe while Big Ben has a problem turning away dumb young women throwing themselves at him (that is the half-glass full view of what happened). The Steelers may be considered the model franchise thanks to great owners and a smart coach but they sure draft some dumb players.
In the midst of the free agent / pre-draft season it only makes sense to look at some players that based on their extra-curricular activities would be good fits to join the AFC North:
- Brandon Marshall – Chad Ochocinco lobbied for T.O. to join him in Cincinnati. That hasn’t happened yet but with Marshall’s legal troubles over the years he would fit in well in the Bengal locker room. Plus he has spent the last few years making passes from Kyle Orton and Jay Cutler look catchable. Even Jordan Palmer would look like he belongs on an NFL roster with B-Marsh around.
- Marshawn Lynch – Traveling with a gun? Hit and Run? If Marshawn isn’t a natural fit in Cleveland than I don’t know anything about building an NFL team.
- Ronnie Brown – DUI arrest in Georgia? Clearly Brown needs to sign with the Steelers. If he played in the black and gold he would have just taken a couple pictures with the officers when they pulled him over before being let go.
- Any Florida Gator outside of Saint Tebow– a team of 20+ offseason arrests last year – if you are looking for a division where strict adherence to the law is optional, the AFC North is for you.
Wait, why am I trying to get more criminals together? I think this is how the Colombian drug cartels got started. And we all know how journalists challenging those cartels end up.
Maybe it is time to call witness protection.
Just call me Mediocre Dan.
