It is Thursday evening, 9:41 pm MT. Right now, Florida State is probably losing once again on national television (the last score I heard was 14-3). Unfortunately, I have not watched a moment of the game so I cannot provide my typical deep insights this week to explain their latest (presumed) failure, other than to guess that their defense is only slightly more effective than a 14 year old condom left out in the sun. Prior to boarding, the airport was inexplicably showing Game 5 of the ALCS, having no idea that baseball is a dead sport, no more relevant in today’s sporting landscape than wall scaling (an actual sport from the early part of the last century in which the Super-grandmother was apparently pretty good – see 1912 here).
(UPDATE: Florida State, after falling behind 24-6 rallied for an improbable 30-27 win. Their first win in a month. Maybe I should get on a plane for every one of their games. All bitterness below is completely unwarranted.)
Any sport that makes the decision to have its most important games start later and last longer than its regular games, all but ensuring that today’s ADD riddled, video game addicted children won’t care, deserves to evolve into the 5th major sport (hate to tell you, but soccer is here to stay and is going to do nothing but grow).
Anyway, in this particularly spiteful moment, in which my flight was delayed and my team is (most likely) getting clobbered again, I bring you this week’s Hierarchy of Hate. Could I hold more hate for these teams than I do for the team formerly known as the Seminoles? Probably not, but as the true professional that I pretend to be, I will soldier on.
Turner and Shadow are back with us this week. Turner is still struggling to come to terms with his Sooner’s new-found mediocre-ness. Being a few steps ahead of him on the 12-step program I am mentoring him.
Shadow is back to gloat over the success of all of his teams. In a related note, I found someone to hate more than the Noles.
Turner: Well folks, we are at 3-3 for the mighty-less Sooners. Life was good for a bit on Saturday as OU pretty much dominated the game but like all crappy teams do, they found a way to blow it. It is ok, because after the first game of the season against BYU, the national championship died and now officially the Big XII title is dead. Stress is officially off which good except for the fact that it is slowly migrating to the Denver Broncos who I would have bet a LOT of money to get massacred at San Diego. I think I might be officially on the bandwagon. Between that and Crabtree showing up to camp, the NFL now has my attention. This was a great week in football visits for Turner. Had the pleasure of going to the Mecca of Memorial Stadium in Lincoln, NE (site of a future OU loss) and the Blue-turf of Boise. So many memories (mostly bad) of teams that OU consistently has failed against (damn fumble-ruski and Eric Crouch throw-back pass)…… so with that, I’m glad I’m back to the party with the undefeated Shadow and Super Dave (the man who generously sold me 2 tickets to the Broncos – Pats game at a 40% mark-up… some friend)….
Category is emotional moment that made me cry..…..
Shadow: All the teams I care about are still undefeated and we are a week away from Halloween. I never would have imagined that would be the case. The Yanks can wrap up a trip to the Fall Classic with a win tonight over the Halos. It has been a very good fall for teams of the Shadow.
This week’s random Hatred involves anagrams. The Shadow loves anagrams. Using the school name and mascot (or city and mascot), whichever team produces the least interesting anagram will be scorned and hated this week while I am hopefully watching Iowa win again on the road at Michigan State and not being stressed about the Broncos since they have a bye.
College:
Louisville @ Cincinnati
SD: You have to love a battle between schools in neighboring states, separated by a few miles and a river. This is sort of like the Red River Shootout without the national title implications (sorry, Bearcats, it’s fun and all but you can go undefeated and still not make the BCS title game – most likely due to the Big East being slightly less competitive than the Mountain West), future pros and less chewing tobacco. Actually, strike that, maybe it is just a different type of chewing tobacco. What I love most about this rivalry, is that it goes beyond state vs. state. This one is city vs. city. Kind of like a bad action movie sequel – this time it is personal. I get the feeling that Louisville is probably named after either a former monarch somewhere or some dude named Louis whose covered wagon broke down there. Cincinnati on the other hand comes from a Roman guy who left his rural home to become a dictator for a time. Might as well call it Cheney-atti. That is creativity at its finest. Creativity at its worst, is adding cinnamon and chocolate to chili, but despite that, I will cheer on the Bearcats.
Turner: Louisville takes this one…. The story of the father who marched his son around the field so he could be part of the Cardinal Marching band….. wow, still brings me to tears whenever I see the espn clip.. That is dedication and love. Cincy – well, you had Kenyon Martin so you don’t qualify for anything positive. Give me the Cardinal
Shadow: Ill Cadaver Illusions vs. Inert Cannabis Cacti. Hmmm. This one is a toughie. I think I will take the Wacky Weed over the Dead Body. Go Cacti! I mean Bearcats!
Texas A&M @ Texas Tech
SD: Or as I like to call it: ‘The Not-the-Longhorns Bowl’. Remember when these teams were actually relevant? For Texas Tech that was just last year. For Texas A&M that was last millennium. Those were good times. This one all comes down to unofficial mascots. For A&M we have a collie which has absolutely nothing to do with being an ‘Aggie’. The Red Raiders have adopted the persona of their odd head coach Mike Leach and taken on a whole pirate thing. At least an SAT question could be fashioned to link Red Raiders and Pirates. Lassie and the Aggies? You got me. Go TTU.
Turner: Here we have the sad memory of the bonfire tragedy or the story of the Red Raider horse go crashing into the wall in the football stadium and killing itself. At the time, I was very anti-A&M and their stupid traditions. That dead dog that watches over the scoreboard outside their stadium, them pulling their swords on the SMU cheerleader who walked across their end-zone but the bonfire is actually quite impressive and it was a sad day when that happened despite the stupidity of the situation… I actually cried. Now the horse story, I hate to say it but after being pummeled by tortillas all game during and SMU / Tech contest, I had really no sympathy for this event. The Sooner Schooner fell over against the buffs in ’93 and that was sad but at least we didn’t run our horses into a wall….. Go Border Collies
Shadow: Game Gasses Taxi vs. Excretes Haired Darts. No one is a fan of flatulent footballers, and excreting darts would be an excellent party trick. I go with Tech.
NFL:
Green Bay @ Cleveland
SD: “I’ll take ‘Two Cities where I don’t want to spend February’ for $200 Alex”. Having spent just the barest amount of time in both these cities, I feel fairly well qualified to pass judgment. Imagine in your mind, an endless sprawling suburban strip mall set along side a cold lake, with one large ancient looking football stadium set down in the middle of it. You have now been to Green Bay. Now, imagine a long uninterrupted string of renovated and rundown warehouses – some with bars, some with lofts and some with bums squatting in them – set alongside a cold lake with a large rock and roll museum and two new looking stadiums interspersed among them. You have now been to Cleveland. What sounds better to you? Yeah me too. Go Browns.
Turner: This involves actual games… Steve Young to Terrell Owens on the 42 yd pass play to beat the Packs vs. THE DRIVE. Sad part is that I actually cried with joy and went berserk over that win. At the time of the drive I was just a bit too young to understand that it was ok to destroy your personal property when celebrating the victory so with this one, I’ll have to go with the Cheeseheads
Shadow: Enrage By Sack Rep vs. Verb Laden Clowns I found yet another reason to hate Green Bay…..their name is freaking hard to anagram. Plus I like thinking of Mangini as a Verb Laden Clown. Look for the Dogpound gang to take this one.
New Orleans @ Miami
SD: What a shift from the previous match-up. Two cities where you can have lots of fun, get in lots of trouble and not develop hypothermia if you get in the adjoining body of water. South Beach or the French Quarter? Models working on their tans or drunk, southern belles earning beads? Really, either of these locations is a win-win-win (win-win, just didn’t seem adequate) but I will side with New Orleans. While Miami is fun, I just don’t bring enough of the ‘guido’ factor to ever feel completely comfortable there. On the other hand, a button up shirt, dirty white hat and what Clay Travis calls Bama Bangs is really all you need to feel at home in the Big Easy. That is my kind of town. A nice Café Du Monde beignet might even make me feel better about my Noles.
Turner: Hurricane Katrina vs. Hurricane Andrew. Unfortunately no brainer here. While Andrew was terrifying, but nothing will ever top Katrina in my lifetime I think…. For that alone, I hope the Saints can pull through this year (unless they play the Broncos in the Big Game!)
So there it is, never know when that next magical or horrific moment will occur…. It even might be when Sam Bradford learns to throw left-handed and wins the Heisman next year!
Shadow: Learns We No Ass Nit vs. Impish Man Idol (barely squeaked it out over “His Limp Domain”). I think the entire league would agree that the Saints are no longer anything resembling a parasitic insect on the rear end of the NFL. Miami on the other hand….oh Miami. I can’t take any team seriously that starts Chad Henne. They might as well just run the Wildcat all day long with Brown and White. Look for the Saints to remain undefeated.
