In Bill Simmons’ The Book of Basketball he notes a list of what he considers the biggest What-if’s in NBA history. Despite 3 years of work and over 700 written pages though, he never finds the time to answer the most important NBA question of all time: how do you actually pronounce the name of Nikoloz Tskitishvili?
This week, for the THH, we are taking inspiration from Bill, and playing a what-if game with the Divisional round match-ups. With a final four games that include the Cowboys, Brett Favre, a New York team and the Chargers it is hard to find teams to cheer on using a standard hierarchy of hate. However, it turns out if you look hard enough at each match-up you see a what-if question begging to be freed. Well, we decided to free them and help you figure out who to cheer on in games where you don’t really like either team <cough>Vikings-Cowboys<cough>. It just so happens that each of these match-ups have a gem of a question buried in them like a pearl in an oyster. Or, more accurately, a pearl in the poop of a dog that got into mommy’s jewelry box. Sometimes the match-ups work out just too good to be true. Well, at least for THH.
Anyway, this week we attempt to tackle these unknowable questions related to each match-up and use the answer to determine our rooting interests. Because, when all else fails, make up arbitrary reasons to cheer against the Cowb…I mean these teams.
Turner: Turner is stressed…. this posting is not a reflection of my love for the THH. I will return, please stay with me through this time of mis-prioritization. I hope the Shadow and SD can make my life whole again soon.
Shadow: Interesting notes about this weekend’s games: I am not sure if there are some sort of anti-scalping rules or something in San Diego, but on Stub Hub, here are the most expensive ticket packages for the upcoming games: Cards/Saints: $12,353. Ravens/Colts: $27,780. Cowboys/Vikings: $45,413. Jets/Chargers: $2000. I found it interesting anyway. Before we get to the hate, here is who I would be betting on in Vegas in my order of confidence in the bets: Colts, Chargers, Vikings, Saints. Also, one other note, I finally took a look at SuperDave’s Oktoberfest pictures, and all I can say is that I really think an offseason blogpost is going to be necessary to recap the debauchery seen in the photo evidence. I would also be remiss if I didn’t at least mention that I am happy that Iowa finally won a BCS game, and did so in pretty convincing fashion with a stifling defense (even if it does help to have a month to prepare for the option attack). Finally, I was scrolling through previous blog posts, and I found this from Super Dave’s 4th of July missive of things he is glad he is allowed to think since we live in America: “That they could all get ‘Brady-ed’ in the first quarter of the first game and Colt McCoy, Sam Bradford and Tim Tebow would still be the top three vote-getters for the Heisman.” Holy crap, SuperDavestradamus, I think you basically predicted the Bradford and Mccoy injuries last July. Prescient indeed.
Cowboys @ Vikings: Who is the better team in the early 1990’s – IF the Herschel Walker trade doesn’t happen? That is who you root for.
SD: This trade is generally credited with providing the key blocks that built the Cowboys mini-dynasty of the mid 1990’s. This trade led directly to the drafting of Emmitt Smith, Darren Woodson, Alvin ‘Freaky’ Harper and the greatest business boom the drug dealers and prostitutes of Dallas have ever seen. In hindsight this trade looks ridiculous but it is forgotten now that this Vikings team had been a perennial playoff team and truly felt it was one player from breaking the Forty-Niner NFC title monopoly. I guess in a way, they were right – the trade did break the monopoly. However, even after the trade the Vikings still only had one sub-.500 record in the 1990’s. Add back in all the players and draft picks they handed to the Cowboys and it is pretty clear that they would have been better than a Cowboy team with Jimmy Johnson’s haircut, Troy Aikman, Michael Irvin and piles of strippers and cocaine. But then we wouldn’t have gotten Boys Will be Boys and we would all be losers. Go Vikings.
Turner: If the Herschel Walker trade doesn’t happen then there is no Cowboys dynasty with the triplets and the Purple People eaters probably have a much better chance of success in the Randy Moss era. Oh the thought of the Cowboys being just terribly awful in the wake of Jimmy Johnson. Probably more titles for my Niners, oh this lost possibility gives me such joy. So The Favrearians go forward in this one and send Jerry back to the off-season plastic surgeon.
Shadow: Who would have been better sans Herschel trade? Interesting. But inevitably, a pretty easy call. Part of what Dallas ends up with, by bargaining with picks from Minnesota is being able to trade up and get Emmit. As anyone who has watched the NFL knows the surest route to offensive success will be through a stud running back. Sure there are outliers where a superstar QB in the right system with average running backs can succeed (Brady). Herschel was a stud in his day, but I do not think the Cowboys would have enjoyed the success in the early 90′s without the 3rd of the “Big 3″. In fact, imagine if you will a bizarro world where the trade never happens and the Vikings draft Emmitt in 1990. I think the Vikes would have ended up the better team so I will root for them.
Jets @ Chargers: There was a 2005 playoff game featuring these two teams. Both of the coaches in that game have become coaching punch lines. If you owned the Bills today and had only those two coaches to choose from to hire next year, which one would you. That is the team you cheer on.
SD: For the record this is Marty Schottenheimer and Herm Edwards. The obvious pick in this is Schottenheimer due to have been relatively consistent success. But he also always had talent to play with. Really, the period when he didn’t have talent – his last season in Kansas City, his one year in Washington and his first couple in San Diego he went 27- 37. However with Marty’s less than stellar playoff record, I am going with Herm Edwards. After four Super Bowl losses and the wrong end of the Music City Miracle I can’t bring myself to inflict more playoff pain to Bills fans. Better to let them stay mired in mediocrity. Of course maybe their problem is that they were never properly instructed as to why they play football. Herm can fix that too. J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets
Turner: Herman Edwards vs. Marty Schottenheimer. Gun please. I guess I’m rooting for the J-E-T-S JETS, JETS, JETS. If I’m the Buffalo Bills, I’d have to go Herman on this one. Marty is the epicenter of loser-ville, he never could win the big game. Plus Herman is such a better tv commentator then Marty ever will be. Lastly if you hire Marty, then you also get his son which given the Tennessee situation, having father / son coaching staffs really never works. I’d rather just go back to Marv Levy or Barry Switzer.
Shadow: For me this one is easy as well. I always admired Marty Schottenheimer, even if he seized up more in big games than even Bob Stoops. The only thing I really ever liked about Herm Edwards was that he bolted the Jets for the Chiefs, which I saw as a bad omen for the Chiefs, mainly because of how much my friend Rob actually loved the move and was salivating over Herm coaching the Chiefs. I mean, he may be an okay coach, but it is the Chiefs….of the Aughts. Not exactly a team of destiny. I would hire Marty to coach my Bills, and thus I root for the (gag) Chargers. Stupid THH rules.
Ravens @ Colts: If the Colts never move from Baltimore – which of these teams has a better record – Baltimore Colts or Cleveland Browns? Do things turn out the exact same way? The better team is the one you cheer for.
SD: I’m sure I could have done a bunch of research to see how and if the rosters of these teams change in any way if the Colts don’t leave Baltimore and the Ravens remain the Cleveland Browns. However that is not the THH way. Let me just put it this way: The Fumble and The Drive only happened to one of these teams. Assuming Peyton Manning doesn’t pull a John Elway and refuse to play in Baltimore or that an allergic reaction to crabcakes didn’t lead to drafting Ryan Leaf, then you have to assume the Colts would be and are the better team.
Turner: I don’t have enough energy for this one to dig into so I’m going to answer the Baltimore Colts. Reasons: 1) the ESPN 30 for 30 series about the Band that Played on. That was just great. They would be worth 10 more wins alone. Secondly, we continue down the legacy of Marty and the fact that it is Cleveland.
Shadow: There is no way the Man-Thug they have taken to calling Sugar Ray looks intimidating at all in the Cleveland “brown” uniform. That alone assures that the Colts staying in Baltimore would have had more success. Of course, had they stayed in Baltimore, Peyton would have held out after the draft and demanded a trade to Oakland, and good god, that would have been abysmal (note: I chose the Raiders because they had the 4th pick in the draft, which is the same position the Broncos had in 83 when Elway held out…there is absolutely no basis for this correlation, but this is a blog, so just go with it.) I take the Colts.
Cardinals @ Saints: Both of these quarterbacks lost their jobs to a member of the class of 2004 and subsequently left that team. Let’s assume those draft picks never occur. Which of the following would be the most successful today and why: one of the teams that had these QBs (Giants with Warner, Chargers with Brees) or one of these organizations without the QB (Cardinals – no Warner or Saints – no Brees). That most successful organization/quarterback is who you cheer on.
SD: You can pretty quickly eliminate two of the four teams under consideration. Would a Giants team with Kurt Warner be under consideration? Please. Not sure whether it was the dry desert air or the feeling of starting over with a wife that went from having a grey buzzcut to long blonde hair but Kurt’s game fundamentally changed when he got to Arizona. The poor New Orleans Saints (if they were actually still in New Orleans) without Drew Brees would be the same team they were before. Which, in case you have forgotten was not good. That leaves Drew Brees on the current Chargers team versus this Cardinals team led by Matt Leinart. You have to love a QB best known for sleeping with Paris Hilton, random community college co-eds and Nick Lachey but as much as I hate to say it, I don’t think there is any drop off for the Chargers if Brees is still in San Diego instead of Philip Rivers. Therefore I go with Brees and the Saints. March on boys.
Turner: I really have no idea what the hell SuperDave’s scenario here is. Seems like multiple options and choices. This is one of those A, B, C, D, or All of the Above. There is a reason I failed the SAT. I think based on the criteria the Saints will easily win this one.
If the Chargers had kept Brees, they would be completely unstoppable (or will have been for year since I’m not sure these Chargers are stoppable), but there would have been no bad years. The Giants with Warner would have meant that Warner would have no longer been in the league because he would have been killed in the NFC East. Geaux Saints…
(I think?)
Shadow: Warner had forgotten how to make quick decisions at the end of his tenure in East Rutherford and would have ended up in Coughlin’s doghouse and benched anyway, so no way it is the Giants. The Cardinals…..what good are Boldin, Fitzgerald, Breaston, et al, if you have only the likes of Josh Mcnown or Matt Leinert throwing them the ball. Enough said. The Saints? Seriously, the Saints? I am not sure they survive as a franchise without Brees. Without Brees they may have ended up in L.A. That leaves the Chargers. Let’s see. HOF RB in place? Check. A man-child at TE who can’t be covered by a LB. Present. One could argue that the Chargers may actually be better with Brees than they have been with Rivers. Kind of like how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop….the world will never know. But out of those 4 choices, I think it is easy to see that Brees would have made the Chargers the class act. Sh*t. That makes two times SD has forced me to say good things about the Bolts. Dammit. It’s the Saints in this one.
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