Over the next several days, you can find the Super Bowl broken down in every way imaginable. Whether it is a comparison of each team’s pass rush or punting abilities, there is someone out there in cyber space analyzing what happens in this game in every possible permutation.
That is fine and all. Really I am impressed by all the people that do that. God knows they are smarter and more motivated than I am. I am as excited as anyone for this game not living in the 317 and 504 area codes but do you really care which team I think has an edge on the double reverse?
No. And you know why? Because we can examine Hunter Smith’s ability to pin the Saints inside the 20-yard line all day and all night and it doesn’t matter for one simple reason. Hunter Smith won’t decide this game.
This Super Bowl comes down to one thing: which quarterback plays better. For the first time since 2005 we have 2 of the top 5 quarterbacks in the NFL playing in the Super Bowl. And, oh by the way, they are both playing against mediocre defenses.
So, which quarterback will be the deciding factor and most likely MVP? There is only one way to know. To break it all down scientifically. As Obama said last week, even those that don’t believe in climate change or evolution despite overwhelming evidence won’t be able to argue with this.
Family
Peyton Manning comes from the first family of football. His dad is a legend in both Mississippi and New Orleans and his brother is the only Super Bowl MVP that has been compared to Mitch Kramer from Dazed and Confused. Even if it was just by me.
Drew Brees’ estranged mother tried to become his agent and then illegally used his image while running for a political office before committing suicide.
Edge: Manning (1-0). Suicide is not funny so I won’t make a joke. But really the only way the Manning family gets better is if it had a lefty.
High School Recruitment
Peyton Manning was the biggest recruit in the country and when he chose Tennessee over Ole Miss, Rebel nation was so upset that the Tuohys threatened to adopt Eli to make sure at least he would go to Ole Miss.
Drew Brees wasn’t even recruited by his home state school and ended up in the Big Ten at Purdue. Is it just me or is the Big Ten like the Island of Misfit Toys? All the poor toys not wanted by their home state schools end up there.
Edge: Brees (1-1). Brees had to go wherever would take him. Manning chose Tennessee which lost to Florida every year he was there, has a mascot that has nothing to do with their team nickname and has hideous orange colors. Probably the worst decision Peyton has made in his life not involving the phrase ‘on stage singing with Kenny Chesney’.
Physical Size
Peyton Manning is the prototype size for an NFL quarterback. As you may remember that is “six-five, 230-pound quarterbacks with a… laser rocket arm”
Drew Brees was considered to be too small to be an NFL quarterback. 6’0” and 210 pounds. Yet more evidence that the NFL scouting system is foolproof.
Edge: Brees (2-1). As a normal sized dude I have always been discriminated against. In fact every time I go to a store and look for clothes on the sale rack, there is nothing that fits. I bet Drew has this same problem. Peyton on the other hand probably gets his pick of XXL clothes that are always on super-clearance. I hate those guys.
NFL Draft
Peyton Manning was the 1st overall draft pick just ahead of Ryan Leaf in the 1998 NFL draft. Which begs the bar debate: which draft pick was the bigger make or break decision? Manning over Leaf or Lebron over Darko?
Drew Brees was drafted 32nd overall in the 2nd round by the Chargers, the second quarterback taken in that draft behind Michael Vick (1st overall).
Edge: Manning (2-2). Manning gets the edge for being drafted ahead of a psycho rather than a full round behind a psycho. Sort of like drunk drivers, it is always best to get out ahead and away from all the trouble.
NFL Team
Peyton Manning has spent his entire career with the Indianapolis Colts.
Drew Brees spent several years with the San Diego Chargers and despite a Pro Bowl appearance was released and signed with the New Orleans Saints in 2006.
Edge: Brees (3-2). Didn’t you read above? Manning has spent the last decade in Indianapolis and Brees has spent the last decade splitting time between San Diego and New Orleans.
Marriage
Actually, let’s call this a draw for now. We will come back to this one later this week in the Super Bowl THH extravaganza.
Charitable Foundation
Manning has the Peyback Foundation to support Children’s charities
Brees has the Brees Dream Foundation to assist in re-developing from Katrina
Edge: Manning (3-3). Brees Dream is kind of a lame name for a charity. What about ‘Life is a Brees Foundation’ or ‘Won-drew-ful World Foundation’. The Peyback Foundation has a nice ring to it. Very Kevin Spcey-ish
WWTD Factor (What Would Tebow Do)
Manning has a children’s hospital wing named after him
Brees is known as Breesus in New Orleans
Edge: Brees (4-3). Writing a large check and getting something named after you doesn’t necessarily make you Tebow worthy – just look at Enron Field. A nickname that is a take off on Jesus? Even Timmy doesn’t have that going for him.
Politics
Manning has donated money to George W. Bush
Brees filmed a United Way commercial with President Obama
Edge: Brees (5-3) Umm, seriously this needs explanation?
TV Time
Brees did a spot for SportsCenter, the National Football Posts’ Fantasy Football Leagues and soon will do a commercial for Pampers
Manning did a spot for SportsCenter with his family as well as commercials for at least 1,437 other companies
Edge: Manning (4-5). Yes, the Brees SportsCenter ad was good but just on sheer numbers you have to go with Peyton. I will even forgive those Double Stuff Racing League commercials. I just assume Eli talked him into that one.
Impressing the Cool Kids
Manning was in one of the 5 best SNL segments of this millennium
Brees will be the King of Bacchus prior to this year’s Mardi Gras parade
Edge: Manning (5-5). Sooner or later you have to assume that Manning, the N’Awlins native son will get named as a Mardi Gras king. Until Brees banishes a kid to a porta-john for missing a pass, you have to go with Manning.
So, after in-depth scientific analysis, we are still too close to call. Thankfully we left one decision until another day. In our THH later this week, we will pick between Mrs. Brees and Mrs. Manning and ultimately decide which quarterback has the advantage and gives his team the early edge in winning the Super Bowl.
As with most things in married life, the ladies will end up making the final decision in this one.
