Just in time for the draft, we are back to speed rush through the NFC. It is easy to mock, mock drafts but no mock draft is more mockable than this.
New York Giants – Giants seem to have a never-ending carousel of relatively interchangeable, anonymous running backs. David Wilson from Virginia Tech is the perfect candidate to be next in line. Even his name is interchangeable and nearly anonymous.
Dallas Cowboys – Drafting Mark Barron from Bama helps alleviate a weakness at safety, and fulfills for Jerry Jones a dream he has held since fighting in WWI of bossing around a Barron.
Philadelphia Eagles – Dontari Poe, is a defensive tackle, sky-rocketing up draft boards based on strong work this spring so it is only fitting that the team that brought us the on-going joke that was drafting Mike Mamula make the same mistake again.
Washington Redskins – We had JFK. LBJ. GHWB and GWB and now we have RG3. As long as he doesn’t invade Cuba, Vietnam, or Iraq, RG3 he will go down as most successful acronym in D.C. history.
Green Bay Packers – Jerel Worthy from Michigan State helps bolster the defensive line and keep blockers off Clay Mathews. Plus I am already looking forward to the Deductible Worthiness Exam insurance commercial
Chicago Bears – Luke Kuechly from BC is the perfect candidate to step into the ‘white guy that gets inordinate amount of love for totally not that reason’ role hat Brian Urlacher is just getting too old for.
Detroit Lions – Dre Kirkpatrick meets the Lions needs at corner back and can collaborate with Detroit native Eminem on a new album. Win-win.
Minnesota Vikings – Ryan Kalil will help keep Christian Ponder and Adrian Peterson alive which will make the Vikings relevant and possibly keep them in Minnesota. If they don’t draft Kalil, they might as well save the money and draft a real estate agent instead.
New Orleans Saints – Stephon Gilmore’s description includes: ‘a clean slate off the field helps make him a top corner prospect’. If any team could use a player with wholesome image on the defense, it’s the Saints
Atlanta Falcons – They gave away their entire draft to move up and grab Julio Jones, so I don’t care who they draft. Maybe some linebacker? Whatever.
Carolina Panthers – Cam Newton’s father offered Melvin Ingram to the Falcons for $2,000,000 but then convinced Melvin to instead sign with the Panthers for free.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Mohamed Sanu from Rutgers will be the surprise pick until we learn he was drafted just so Greg Schiano has someone to laugh with about how a record of 30-21 over the last four years somehow landed him an NFL head coaching job.
San Francisco Forty- Niners – For the love of God, I don’t care as long as the guy can return punts without fumbling. Seriously, that should have been the entire workout for any player auditioning for San Francisco. Just fielding punts.
Phoenix Cardinals – Coby Fleener gives the Cardinals another offensive weapon. Plus Kevin Kolb and Ken Whisenhunt seem like the types of guys that were bullies in school, so they will love getting to mock a guy named Fleener.
Seattle Seahawks – Riley Reiff from Iowa shores up the offensive line and as an added bonus fits right in on a team that loves alliteration.
St. Louis Rams – Justin Blackmon from Oklahoma State would address the embarrassing Rams receiving corps and with Sooner Sam Bradford under center will help settle how seriously players take this bedlam stuff. If Sam throws high over the middle, I will finally take that OU/OSU rivalry seriously.