For the third straight year, I am sitting down and keeping track of every play and my every thought on the AFC title game. I just finished my lunch from Pasquini’s and have a Turner Memorial Diet Coke in the fridge for when I hit the 3rd quarter doldrums.
Unlike previous years though, this won’t be one half of a Championship game doubleheader because as soon as this game ends I head to the airport to fly to Toronto. No, I am not taking a Ricky Williams-style hiatus in the CFL due to out of control bong usage, but I will be spending the rest of the week north of the border. So, if I complain about only having 11 players on a 100-yard field during the Super Bowl in a couple weeks, now you will know why.
Anyway, let’s dive right in to the AFC title game:
Pre-Game
- Joe Namath kicked off pre-game show with a taped segment comparing this year’s AFC title game to Super Bowl Three. He was filmed in a dark room by himself. I am guessing that was not his choice but rather that the CBS lawyers stipulated that he be alone and that there be no whiskey or female interns on the set.
- New ad for a movie entitled Hot Tub Time Machine. I am guessing that was probably the second shortest pitch meeting in Hollywood history – right behind Snakes On a Plane. Because if you don’t like it after hearing the title – you aren’t going to be convinced by little things like plot and actors.
- For the record, I was convinced after hearing the title.
- Jim Nantz was awarded the 2009 Sportscaster of the Year award. In the next three months he will announce the Super Bowl, Final Four and the Masters. Basically, I am saying we are all just Jim’s bitches.
- You can’t have a fly over in a Dome –so what to do? Release a bald eagle to fly around during the Star Spangled Banner of course. Thankfully, Jordin Sparks and not the Chipmunks was slated to sing. That could have gotten messy.
First Half
- Before the game even starts we get our first Peyton commercial. Not only that, but Nantz shows up in it as well. Howard Stern, Nantz has your King of All Media right here.
- And we have kick-off! Colts get the ball at the 30-yard line.
- First play, Peyton has about 5 seconds to find Reggie Wayne for a 12 yard out and a first down. Remarkably Darrelle Revis was not covering Wayne. That should be the last time that happens today.
- Am I the only that gets Jim Leonhard and Brian Leonard confused? Also, what are the odds there are white NFL players named Jim Leonhard and Brian Leonard and neither is an offensive lineman?
- Manning gets crushed on a delayed blitz on the Colts first third down, and the Colts punt
- I know several people that used to work for IBM. Not a single one worked on ‘building a smarter planet’. Most of them worked on ‘making money for IBM’. I assume these are different divisions or something?
- Yes, I know that joke is recycled from last year. But if they can keep recycling the commercial, can’t I keep making the joke? I mean they are paying a lot of money to show that commercial. How much are you paying to read this?
- After two short runs, Sanchez barely gets away from the rush and floats a ball toward the sideline that is snared by Jericho Cotchery. Saying that pass looked confident is like saying Rex Ryan looks svelte in his sweater vest.
- The Jets have run 5 plays. All but one is a run. Can they really win scared of their own quarterback?
- This may be the Jets day. Not only has Mark Sanchez completed his first two passes but miraculously, Braylon Edwards actually caught the ball. If Edwards actually makes receptions that is a bad omen for the Colts
- Sanchez just faked a pass before handing it off for a run. If a fake-run then pass is a ‘play-action pass’ what do you call this? ‘Pass-Action Run’? Anyway, not sure why the Jets feel they need to do this. As if the threat of Sanchez passing scares the Colts. On the contrary, the Colts would be giddy.
- Two runs for loss and a screen pass for no gain stops the Jets drive and Jay Feely kicks a ball that looks suspiciously like most of my golf drives making a sharp right turn before getting to the up-rights.
- Another sack as Peyton takes a dive before anyone gets within 2yards of him. It looked a little like Strahan’s record-setting sack of Favre a few years ago. Remember back then when Favre was fun and likable and had only retired a couple times?
- Watching Bruce Willis in the commercial for that new movie with Tracey Morgan – do you realize that at one time he was the biggest movie star in the world? And I thought Favre being likable was a long time ago
- How great of a quarterback is Mark Sanchez? The Jets just ran on third and eight. How can the media gush about Sanchez when even his coaches seem to think ‘that kid could kill us’.
- Simms says he likes the run because you don’t want to get careless trying to get such a long first down. An eight yard pass is considered high risk? For the love of god is it the 1950’s again?
- A run up the middle and a long pass to The Maitre D’ – that’s what I will call Pierre Garcon from here on out. A guy named Pierre in Indianapolis needs a nickname – and the Colts have moved from deep in their end to near mid-field.
- The Maitre D’ makes another long catch after blowing by Lito Sheppard, and sets up the Colts inside the 10 yard line. Until the Jets perfect cloning technology, it doesn’t look like there are enough Darrelle Revis’ on the field to stop the Colts passing game.
- The Colts do nothing on 3 plays and set up for a field goal. That ends a scintillating first quarter at 0-0. I may need that Diet Coke well before the third quarter at this rate.
- Matt Stover starts the 2nd quarter with a field goal. Thank goodness, the seal has been broken. 3-0 Colts
- Wow, first play for the Jets, Mark Sanchez pump-fakes and then lofts a deep pass to a wide open Braylon Edwards who actually catches it and takes it into the end zone. Across the country, every Edwards fantasy owner screams expletives at the TV.
- I thought I was just kidding about that seal being broken. Apparently, NFL scoring is more like a guy drinking massive amounts of beer than I realized.
- After the Jets give the Colts a first down by having 12 men on the field on 3rd down, Reggie Wayne escapes Revis Island for a 25 yard gain. I think Wayne should draw a little face on the football and then he could talk to him after each catch like Chuck Noland and Wilson.
- Holy crap – Jim Nantz is also appearing on How I Met Your Mother later this spring. Jim Nantz has as many jobs at CBS as Tiger Woods has skanks on speed dial.
- Is that joke now cliché? I don’t know – I say it has a couple more weeks and then we all move on. Deal?
- The man named after a city in Texas and a breed of dog catches a crossing pattern and takes the ball to the 4 yard line. The Colts have receivers named Pierre, Dallas and Austin. No wonder they released Marvin Harrison. His name is just too boring. Well, there is that and the whole ‘he might have murdered someone’ thing.
- I just realized that the Colts have players named Dallas and Austin. If they could only trade for Santonio Holmes and bring Houston Nutt on to the coaching staff, they would open up a whole new fan-base in the Lone Star state.
- 3rd and goal from inside the one yard line and Peyton runs the saddest quarterback sneak since Bernie Kosar retired. Stover comes on and kicks quite literally the shortest field goal in NFL history. If there ever was a field goal that benefitted the defense more than the offense, it was that. The Jets now know the Colts have no faith in gaining 6 inches. 7-6 Jets.
- Am I the only one that feels like it is more believable that the Donalds are related than Peyton and Eli are brothers?
- After reeling off several running plays, the Jets bring Brad Smith in to quarterback who fakes the run and lofts a pass to wide open Cotchery down the field for a long gain. Again, tell me why wildcat QBs that can pass won’t work in the NFL?
- Somewhere in Gainesville, Tim Tebow praises God. Whether it is related to this or not isn’t clear.
- Sanchez avoids a deep sack by barely chucking the ball out of bounds. Simms says he can do that thanks to his large hands. Was it just me or was Simms a little too “Gary-Danielson-talking-about-Tebow-esque” on that?
- I know I am talking about Tebow a lot. But it just seems weird to watch football and not hear about Tebow every 2 minutes. I am just picking up the slack for Nantz and Simms.
- Sanchez gets crushed but completes a pass to Dustin Keller at the goal line for a touchdown. I think we can officially retire the ‘Mark Sanchez not being able to win this game’ storyline. Too bad, I had a couple jokes teed up about the Colts being slightly better than the Oregon State Beavers. 14-6 Jets.
- A couple plays into the next drive – Addai fumbles after being hit just as he receives the hand-off. The ball is picked up by Jim Leonhard (not Brian) at the Colts 29 yard line with 3:40 to play.
- The Jets go backward and bring Feely on to kick a 48 yard field goal. For some inexplicable reason Feely is wearing receiving gloves. A man who literally never touches the ball and is playing in a temperature controlled Dome. Despite maybe being the biggest weenie to ever play in the NFL, he makes the kick. 17-6 Jets.
- Long pass over the middle to Austin Collie moves the Colts inside the Jets twenty with 1:30 to play.
- Touchdown to Collie over the middle. That was too easy. The Jets really needed to keep the Colts to 6 at halftime. 17-13 Jets.
- The Jets decide to run out the clock, so we go into the locker room at 17-13.
- Skipping the halftime show, as usual the talking heads in the studio said nothing of interest. But they did laugh at something one of the others said.
Second Half
- Back for the second half and the Jets take the kick-off
- Shonn Greene limps off the field but Sanchez fakes a run and then connects with Cotchery for a first down. This is the first time they are moving without completing long passes.
- The drive stalls at the Colts 34 yard line. And Feely comes back in for a 52-yard field goal try that is wide right the whole way. Guess Feely can’t claim that the Colts iced him with those gloves on (ba-dum-cha. Thank you, thank you. I will be here all week. If ‘here’ is Canada that is)
- Colts are clearly using Wayne as a decoy that will keep Revis occupied while all the other receivers pick apart the remaining Jets secondary. Collie and Garcon seem to be getting open at will.
- A pass to Addai in the flats and a slant by The Maitre D’ puts the Colts inside the five.
- The Maitre D’ catches a fade for the touchdown. Unless the Jets find a way to get a lot of fast pressure on Manning this could be a long second half for this Jets defense. 20-17
- I can’t be the only one that thinks t hat this new Valentine’s Day movie appears to be the exact same movie as last year’s He’s Just Not That Into You. It even includes some of the same people – like Bradley Cooper who I would make fun of but he was in The Hangover so has earned at least a year of immunity. But Bradley, that won’t help you if you make another crappy Rom-com. I am just warning you now.
- Shonn Greene seems to be out for the rest of the game. How does Thomas Jones feel that everyone writes an obit on the Jets when his rookie back-up goes out?
- 2nd and 17 after a holding penalty and Sanchez hits Keller with a perfect strike across the middle. What are the odds they call that play in the first half?
- Ahh, there is the Bralyon Edwards that I know. A slant pops right through his hands above his head nearly leading to an interception.
- The Colts force another punt. As Kenny Loggins once said, the Jets are entering the Danger Zone.
- Addai starts the Colts drive with a 17 yard run. I don’t want to say it but if Addai is gashing you…
- Jets finally gets some pressure on Manning and force a punt. Peyton almost looks human when he doesn’t have all day to sit in the pocket and find receivers. I say almost because he still has that freaky long neck.
- We have now seen approximately 43 commercials for the Grammys. I think of this as a sneak preview of the number of commercials we will see during the Olympics for the revised Jay Leno Tonight Show.
- Another thing the Grammys and Jay Leno’s show have in common? I will watch neither.
- Speaking of the Tonight Show. I watched Conan’s last show on Friday night. My only complaint was the weird send-off version of Free Bird sung by Will Ferrell. I am 94% sure that both Beck and Ben Harper were playing in the backing band, but they never said, so I am still not sure. Those two aren’t worth some sort of acknowledgement? Though I loved Will’s less than subtle homage to More Cowbell.
- The Jets have the ball deep in their end and are trying to claw their way out one 3 yard run at a time, as the 3rd quarter ends. I would say that it seems inevitable at this point that the Colts will win, but the Jets have done enough in that last two weeks for me to not rule them out just yet.
- In a strange reversal of their whole season, the Jets now can’t run anywhere and keep getting bailed out by Sanchez completing long-ish 3rd down passes. This either ends in an interception or the Jets going to the Super Bowl.
- Well, the third down conversion magic ends and the Jets punt. That seemed relatively predictable.
- The Colts are dissecting the Jets defense right now – spreading the ball to different receivers, gaining 5-7 yards per play. A face mask penalty puts the ball inside the 20 as the clock goes below ten minutes. To say that the Jets need a stop is like saying that The Big Bang Theory needs to come up with a new premise.
- Umm, nevermind. The other Texas city (Dallas – Clark that is) gets open over the middle and scores the touchdown. 27-17 Colts.
- ‘I like a drink as much as the next guy. Unless the next guy is Mel Gibson’. Ricky Gervais’s introduction last week at the Golden Globes has single-handedly ruined the ad campaign for that new Gibson movie for me.
- Three and out for the Jets, as they pretty much abandon the running game. So much for not panicking and sticking with your game plan.
- The Maitre D’ catches another first down pass and then Addai gains another 12 yards on the following play. This is how you finish a game. The clock drops below 5 to play.
- The Maitre D’ is the story of this game. The Jets put Revis on Wayne and left Pierre to abuse their other corners. He has 10 receptions.
- Has anyone told the Colts you are supposed to run the clock out? As in run the ball. The Maitre D’ does a little post-corner and is wide open for Peyton to float the ball down to him. First down at the 12 yard line.
- The Colts end up going conservative and settle for a field goal. Does it really matter? There are 2 plus minutes to play and they are up by 13.
- Well, the nail officially penetrates the Jets’ coffin as a tipped pass drops into Kevin Hayden’s hands for the interception.
- The Jets stop the Colts and force one last punt. Just letting CBS show one more commercial.
- While I am sure we are all happy for the Colts, I am more happy for myself. After two weeks where nothing happened as I expected – I finally called a game correct! It had to happen sooner or later.
- The Jets move the ball down the field but run out of time.
The Colts are off to Miami again. I am off to Toronto and the rest of the country is off to New Orleans.
Let the countdown to Super Bowl 44 begin.
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