Today I feel like Ann Bowden.
To clarify, I have not become a Septuagenarian mother of several mediocre college football coaches overnight, though I am fighting a head cold so I can at least, sort of, relate.
For several years, Ann would forced to watch her husband Bobby’s FSU team take on son Tommy’s Clemson team in the ‘Bowden Bowl’. To show the inner-conflict that tore at her stomach like a large bowl of boiled peanuts, Ann would often wear a sweatshirt that was half Seminole-Garnet and half Clemson-Orange.
That is the Ann I can relate to.
Friday, I will be in Tempe with occasional THH cohorts Turner and Shadow to attend the Insight Bowl and watch their favorite schools against each other: Turner’s Oklahoma Sooners against Shadow’s Iowa Hawkeyes.
But as the man in the middle for which team should I cheer?
I asked Turner and Shadow to provide me some level of guidance like we had done for Shadow prior to the recent FSU/OU match-ups but as they are just beginning on a 14-hour odyssey across the desert southwest with 5 kids in a van (I’m flying – I ain’t no dummy), they didn’t get around to it, so it looks like it is all on me.
But it is Bowl season, so with a month to prepare I think I can come up with my own decision criteria.
Hometown: Iowa City vs. Norman
I have never been to Iowa City but hold an inherent grudge against any city that just steals the name of the state in which it is located. Without doing research, I assume Norman is named after the character from Cheers and I am always a fan of going where everyone knows your name.
OU: 1, Iowa: 0
Film Role: Hiding Out vs. Twister
Iowa was the dream college of high school student Annabeth Gish as she was pursued by stock broker on the run, Jon Cryer in Hiding Out. This really begs the question: which is more unbelievable about the 1980’s; that (1) Jon Cryer was hired to play a leading man or (2) it was perfectly acceptable (and totally not creepy) for a guy in his mid-20’s to fall in love with a high school girl.
On the other hand, OU’s football stadium had an un-credited role in the twister movie Twister. It is impossible to list all of the ridiculous things about the movie Twister so let us just point out that in Twister, Bill Paxton is like the most desirable man in the entire stateof Oklahoma and he is a weatherman.
Sure, Hiding Out if re-made today would be very, very different (look for the cameo by Chris Hansen at the 1:18 mark!) but it is still less ridiculous than Twister. I mean, seriously Bill Paxton??
OU: 1, Iowa: 1
Mascot: Herky the Hawk vs. the Sooner Schooner
Herky is the plastic headed bird mascot that roams the Iowa sidelines. The Sooner Schooner is the horse-drawn covered wagon that rides out on to the field to celebrate Sooner touchdowns.
While I believe it is a strategic advantage to have a plastic head in case Herky ever gets in a fist-fight with Bucky the Badger or Sparty, I will go with the Schooner here. Essentially, the best I can tell the entire Hawkeye franchise was invented in the middle of the 20th century for little rational reason. The Schooner goes back to the historical precedent of the settlers who rode their covered wagons to claim land in Oklahoma after poisoning the local native Americans with blankets covered in Smallpox.
Sure, that is not a period of American history that should be celebrated but at least there is some level of historical accuracy. Besides, if OU didn’t use the Schooner they would probably have a mascot made up of Red Solo cups.
OU: 2, Iowa: 1
Former Coach: Hayden Fry vs. Barry Switzer
Both of these schools had legendary coaches that led them to conference and national championships. Fry spent most of his career at Iowa overshadowed by more famous peers like Bo Schembechler or Earle Bruce. Switzer, on the other hand, led a perennial national power Oklahoma squad with equal parts swagger, athletic ability, booster cash and the world’s most enjoyable triple-option offensive attack. Sure, it was the dirtiest program west of Dade County (or at least west of Tuscaloosa) but they were fun to watch.
While only one of these coaches produced an autobiography that I read as a middle-schooler, I will go with Fry here. Do I have fond memories of Chuck Long and the Hawkeyes from my youth? No, honestly I don’t. But I do often get Fry confused with Hayden Fox from the TV show Coach and I have many fond memories of that show.
OU: 2, Iowa: 2
Tie Breaker: WWMMD?
It comes down to one final question: what would Megan Menzel do? Megan, who has recently taken over the Iowa women’s golf program, happens to be married one of my best friends. And she grew up in Oklahoma – hosting her wedding reception in OU’s football stadium (you probably don’t need to know all of this, but there it is). Who better to help decide which team to cheer on here than someone with experience with each program?
A quick text to Mr. Menzel and I received the following answer:
Iowa all the way. She hates OU.
So there you go. If a woman who enabled me to do the Heisman pose in front of Steve Owen’s Heisman trophy while wearing a tuxedo is against the Sooners, than so am I.
OU: 2, Iowa: 3
Fight! Fight! Fight! For IOWA!
{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }
I feel trrbiele for OSU. I think they were a victim of bad circumstances. They had to play ISU at ISU two days after the plane crash that killed the women’s b-ball coaches and right after they had a memorial for the 10 year anniversary of the plane crash that killed part of the men’s b-ball team. I’m thinking that was a pretty big distraction. I wouldn’t be thrilled about traveling to Ames so shortly after that tragedy. I think they should have rescheduled that game. I am wondering if that crash didn’t happen if OSU would have won that game and we would have a decent Championship game to watch instead of the crappy SEC snoozefest part II.