It was over 4 years ago now when an email landed in my in-box. It was from Florida State announcing a home and home football series against the University of Oklahoma. From that day forward Turner and I have been counting the moments until this week. And it is finally here. Finally we get to see Florida State and Oklahoma face each other.
This momentous occasion required a little more than a standard Hierarchy of Hate. In fact, it requires more than our typical blow-outs we do for events like the Super Bowl and World Cup, those happen regularly. This is special.
It is also special because there is no doubt who each of us are cheering for. Since Turner was playing in his backyard as a little boy, running the option against an imaginary defensive line and that day in 1989 when Dexter Carter took a penalty flag and dropped it on Bernard Clark’s head during the loudest game I have ever seen on TV, we were on a collision course to today. We just didn’t know it until 2004, when fate and our employer brought us together.
So, how to celebrate such an occasion? Well, by using our powers of persuasion to try and swing man-in-the-middle Shadow to our side of the fence. Turner and I agreed to 10 categories in which we each laid out our rationale for why Shadow should cheer for our team. He will then review each of our proposals and pick a rooting interest. Just like you can at home for those of you unfortunate enough to not cheer for the greatest school in the land. Or Oklahoma.
Shadow: Did anyone ever see that kind of crappy movie where Kevin Costner has the single tiebreaking vote in the presidential election? SO much power in one person’s hands, and at the end of the day, he seems to be about the last person you would want to leave the decision to, and then in the end somehow redeems the whole process. I kind of feel the same way. Stacking up the passion both SD and Turner have for college football, and for their beloved Seminoles and Sooners, I feel unworthy to be casting the vote in this monumental THH. But, being the kind of guy I am (arrogant), I will somehow muster up the courage to make my way through these interesting and varied categories and render a final decision. Turner purposely threw out his back in a lame attempt to garner some sort of sympathy vote from me, but I have chosen to ignore this. Below you will find my honest responses to the persuasiveness of the arguments presented.
1. Famous alum/fan or school
SD: One of the most visible fans of OU is omni-present Toby Keith. Probably the most invisible former FSU student that went on to fame is Jim Morrison. The grave of one of these has become a place to make a pilgrimage to in Paris. The other one owns a bar called ‘I Love This Bar and Grill’. I don’t even have a joke here – nothing I can say could top the last sentence.
Turner: (Odds for Shadow’s Pick: OU -3)
Smokey and the Bandit, OU is NOT. If it was not for OU, the Broncos would have never won 2 Super Bowls, Shadow you are going to vote against Pat Bowlen??? If you do, then I challenge where your heart really lies. This is a test of your man-hood. To go beyond that we have Astronauts, #1 draft picks in Basketball and football in the last two years and lots more Heisman winners than the little school in Tallahassee. And when all else fails, you can get some Beer for your Horses with Toby Keith.
Shadow: I see Turner has decided to go with the shotgun approach and give 100 different answers instead of just sticking with one famous alum/fan. I am penalizing him for that approach and focusing on his “all else fails” choice of Toby Keith. Jim Morrison would eventually be portrayed by Iceman in a biopic about the Doors. Toby would have me believe that Parker Lewis is a cross-dressing police detective in his video for “Beer for My Horses”. Doesn’t take a Top Gun to call this one. FSU 1-0
2. Best Uniform or team colors
SD: OU’s uniform colors are crimson and cream. The only place outside of a dessert shop or porno where you will hear the word ‘cream’ said by adults. FSU’s colors are garnet and gold and their helmets were named best in college football. Need I go on?
Turner: (FSU -4) I wish I could make a strong argument here but FSU’s colors are superior. The only thing against them is their designer, they seriously have to have Smokey and the Bandit create their uniform combinations? Going with a simplistic uniform of Crimson and Cream is just classy versus FSU essentially being the Oregon of the East. Stay true Oklahoma.
Shadow: This one is easy. Each team (at any level) needs two uniform combinations. One for home. One for Away. Styles may change slightly over the years, but not wholesale changes in color or combination. To have more than two uniform combinations only means one of two things: you are greedy, or you place a higher emphasis on “style” over substance. Despite what Gordon Gecko or Vanilla Ice may say…neither of those are good things. This one goes to the simple classics, and OU. Tied 1-1
3. Famous former players
SD: FSU has Myron Rolle, Warrick Dunn and Derrick Brooks – everything right with college football. OU has admitted steroid user Brian Bosworth, drug dealer Charles Thompson and Heisman trophy winner Jason White, who might have served me coffee this morning, which explains why I got a mocha when I ordered a latte. This is so one-sided, I don’t even need to bust out the greatest picture ever taken. Two words: Prime time
Turner: (OU -1) Two Words: THE BOZ. You couple that with the 5 Heisman winners and the category isn’t even close. If you count the 2000 Heisman race which Josh Heupel clearly deserved it over FSU’s Chris “old man” Weinke, it really should be 6.
Shadow: Even I have to admit that 5 Heisman Trophy winners is a strong resume for former players, but when I think of fame, I also think of legacy, which has to include what those players went on to do at the next level. All I picture when I think of the Boz, is him having a less than stellar NFL career and making crappy straight-to-video action movies. When I think of Dunn or Brooks or Deion, I see a much more lasting positive legacy. FSU 2-1
4. Better Current Coach
SD: Michael Corleone was the youngest Corleone brother. Mark Stoops is the defensive coordinator at FSU and the youngest Stoops brother. Michael went on to become the Godfather and run the family business successfully for years. Michael has an older brother named Sonny. Mark has an older brother named Bob. Sonny is initially tagged to take over the family business but dies in a scene eerily reminiscent of OU’s performances in recent BCS appearances under Bob Stoops. Who do you want to root for – Michael or Sonny?
(P.S. – This analogy makes Mike Stoops, Fredo. Sorry Arizona)
Turner: (OU -5) While I will openly acknowledge the Big Game Bob has disappeared recently, the overall performance of his team cannot be overlooked. Each year they win the Big XII, essentially the toughest conference in the country. Throw on the turn-around performance from the John Blake, Howard Schnellenberger eras, you really can’t argue with his results. Quote from John Turner “I’d rather have a chance to play for all the marbles and lose, then not have a chance at all”. (Editorial note: any trashing of Stoops from Super Dave will reflect badly in any comments he makes about Bobby Bowden as that is Stoops 60 years from now, perennial top 5 baby)
Shadow: Elegantly constructed Godfather analogy aside, there really isn’t any reason to choose Mark Stoops. While he certainly has some solid coaching experience behind him, he has yet to be in the hot seat as a big time head coach. Bob has been through the pressure cooker and while he may not have capitalized on all his chances, he does still have one of those sparkly national championship rings on his finger. Tied 2-2.
5. Better Mascot / Nickname
SD: FSU’s mascot, Chief Osceola is named after Osceola the leader of the Seminole Indian tribe that resisted force relocation by the U.S. Government. The Chief plants a spear at mid-field for home games. The Sooners are named after white settlers who rushed to claim land when Oklahoma was taken back from the Indians. They ride around in a wagon called the Sooner Schooner and in 1985 helped lose the Orange Bowl for Oklahoma by coming on the field pre-maturely and getting stuck. They also tipped over during a game at CU. Honoring native American hero > drunk white dudes riding around in wagon.
Turner: (FSU -.1) Stereotyping Native Americans is Bad and Unjustified. The Sooners meanwhile were a group of individuals trying to make a home for themselves in the great west. While they might have gotten a bit of a jumpstart, can you really knock the American dream of land ownership? (just remember Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman (Far and Away), you can’t hold that against OU on this one). Having a Conestoga Wagon pulled by white Ponies (Boomer and Sooner) every time they score is great; versus Chief Wahoo and his flaming torch that just minimized the importance of Native Americans as part of our nation’s history.
Shadow: A battle of political incorrectness. As a student of history, I am going to have to come down on the side of Manifest Destiny in this battle of the “lesser of two evils”. I find it telling, that even though their families were forcibly relocated, the majority of Oklahoma Seminoles do not approve of FSU’s mascot or nickname. While I can absolutely understand the desire to “honor” a Native American hero, I am not sure that Chief Osceola himself would actually approve of how he is being depicted. Having the approval of one of the local Seminole tribes (albeit the one that holds the legal right to use the Seminole name) is a pretty flimsy argument. Going to have to go with the land-grabbing white men and women in this one. OU 3-2.
6. Better ‘South Beach’ Talent
SD: There are so many options here, I don’t know where to begin. Let’s break it into sub-divisions:
The Just Plain Hot and Not Ashamed Division: Jenn Sterger and Courtney Hansen
The Cute and Funny Actresses Division: Joanna Garcia and Traylor Howard
Not pictured (I hate running up the score just to impress the voters): Gabrielle Reece and Cheryl Hines and about 4,789 non-famous co-eds.
Turner: (FSU -182.5) I concede. I can find some pictures that would compete on a one-off basis but even in this competition, I know when to fold them.
Shadow: my hard drive just melted. Tied 3-3
7. Barry Switzer vs. Bobby Bowden
SD: I think my love of all things Bobby has been discussed plenty around here. As for Barry, he openly cheated, practically ran his own crime ring and then moved on to coach the Dallas Cowboys, the least likable team in the country whose name doesn’t rhyme with ‘Florida Gators’
Turner: (Even) Just go off the title of their books “Bootlegger’s Boy” vs. “Called to Coach”. That is excitement vs. snooze. Personality and humor vs. being the father of a coaching legacy wasteland. Knowing when to hang it up (and getting a SB win) vs. pulling a Jo Pa. So many reasons to choose Sir Switzer in this one, if for no other reason, entertainment versus walking around drooling on himself.
Shadow: Both coach’s were touched by scandals at one point or another, so that is thrown out. Barry had an out of this world winning percentage when he moved on to the NFL, and had bested Bobby in each head to head meeting. On the other hand, hard to argue with Bobby’s win total or his overseeing a dominance that included 14 straight 10-win/Top 5 ending seasons. Call this one a draw. Tied 3-3-1
8. Better Scandal
SD: OU had a bunch of players get paid for work they didn’t do – yawn. That is so 1980’s. In the SEC that is practically a graduation pre-requisite any more. FSU, when they do a scandal they go all out. They don’t just take down a handful of football players – they take out multiple sports and over 60 athletes! Now THAT is how you disgrace yourself as a school.
Turner: (OU -.5) Let’s start with the name of the mascot “Sooners”. We have our entire school (and state) named after the scandal of proclaiming land in the great state of Oklahoma. You go from there to the crazy 80’s of Charles Thompson cocaine selling (using), concealed hand-guns and of course a 2 for 1 special at Rhett’s Re-used Automobiles. That is good stuff. Meanwhile, FSU just hands out free shoes and tries to shoplift from Dillard’s because folks down in Red-NeckVile just want to look like preppies.
Shadow: As a former teacher, I simply cannot reward any scandal involving academic impropriety. Give me a coach illegally holding 3 a day practices over the summer, or a payola scam that costs someone a Heisman. Give me anything but people openly flaunting the supposed purpose of these institutions of higher education. OU’s scandals may seem tame, but they get my vote. OU 4-3-1
9. Best Capital Building
SD: How cute, the Oklahoma state capitol has a dome. That is nice. Florida used to have a nice little quaint capitol like that. But now Florida is all grown-up and has grown a pair. Literally. With a phallic symbol like that, everyone knows you mean business. Just ask the designer of the Washington monument.
Turner: (Even) Who has the richest capitol building? That is right, Oklahoma. It sits on a working oil reserve. In addition, the current capitol was stolen from Guthrie in 1910 (see all references to scandals and Sooners earlier). Up until 2002, it was one of the few state capitols without a dome because when it was constructed in the 1910’s, the money for the dome was used to support our American Soldiers (insert Toby Keith song) in WWI. If you don’t have American Pride, then vote for Tallahassee.
Shadow: I am sorry, but the only correct phallic capital reference is the Penis of the Plains, otherwise known as the Nebraska State Capital, topped with a statue that at certain angles absolutely looks like a man who is the “Master of his Domain”. Two days shy of the anniversary of 9/11, Turner’s appeal to this American’s patriotism hits all the right notes. With this win, OU wraps up the contest, but we will continue to #10 anyway. OU 5-3-1
10. Better Indian tribe: re-located vs. original home
SD: The Seminoles of Florida, remains the only Indian nation to not sign a treaty with the US government. They truly remain unconquered – thus the many questionably tasteful shirts worn by Nole fans today with that slogan. The Seminoles of Oklahoma had to endure the small pox and horrid conditions of the Trail of Tears when sent off to live in the piece of land the US government decided (at least for awhile) wasn’t good enough for white people. You know that area as Oklahoma. If there is one thing we have learned from Hollywood, you always want to side with the small band of rebels who don’t go quietly when attacked.
Turner: (FSU -2) Is it better to be the giver or the receiver? That is a question that Super Dave often faces. The poor Indian country of Northern Florida was booted out for the large part to the new homeland of Oklahoma (Land of the Red Man, yes, we adopted and named ourselves after them, that is LOVE). While at first glance, it might not look like an upgrade, the expansive space to build LARGE Bingo parlors wouldn’t have been available in Florida. You add onto that the ability for many of the Indian reservations to become extremely wealthy due to the oil field would have never happened in Florida. They would have just had to continue to be eaten by Alligators.
Unsolicited Prediction for Saturday: Oklahoma 35, Florida State 31
Shadow: No contest here. Much like the classic 80’s movie SD references, original is always better. Always. Within the next year we will see a remake of Red Dawn, and it will be a travesty. Everything from our youth appears to be getting the retread treatment, and I am sick of it. I will take the original home of the Seminoles over the home forced upon them by our government, in what was seriously not one of our shining moments as a nation. Final Score: OU 5-4-1
So, it was a close contest, and I think both Turner and SD brought the goods with their arguments for their respective teams. I am happy that I was able to weigh in and be provided with this handy dandy checklist to determine who I am picking to win the game. After the debacle with USU, I think OU really does need all the adopted fans they can get. I am only sad that I cannot travel with the Dynamic Duo to Oklahoma to see this colossal clash first hand. I will have to rely on the inevitable tweets from SD to keep me appraised. Knowing that this game (and the one next year) will provide 10 years worth of one-liners and smack talk makes me glad. Maybe someday one of these two teams will man up and schedule those powerhouse Hawkeyes. So, I guess I will have to learn the words to ‘Boomer Sooner’.
{ 2 trackbacks }
{ 0 comments… add one now }