This is the end. My only friend, the end

-The Doors

And so another season of football comes to an end. And with it another season of The Hierarchy of Hate.

At least until Euro 2012 when we get a chance to spend two weeks mocking Poland (FINALLY).

It has truly been an uninspiring season for THH. Missing weeks. Missing participants (I’m pretty sure Turner spent the NFL season on the island from Lost as he just showed up at my door with a straggly beard muttering ‘we have to go back’ over and over). I blame myself as much as anyone as I have slacked and been distracted and struggled to muster the energy to focus on THH at times

 But today that all ends. Today, we redeem. Not for just ourselves. But for our children; and our children’s children; and for America itself.

 America is the greatest country on Earth because we are free to declare who we hate and who we hate just slightly less at the top of our lungs anywhere at any time. Because we come together to celebrate a 4-hour game whose most inspired moments will be bought and paid for by the world’s largest corporations, willing to waste $3million to tell us what we should waste our money on, so that we can fall further in debt and China can claim a larger portion of our souls.

But today we tell the Chinese that we are still here. They don’t own us yet.

 Today we fight! Today we band together, smear paint on our faces, let out a primal scream and go running down that hill with make-shift swords and trash-can shields waving above our heads into the teeth of the invading Chinese army!

WHO IS WITH ME!!!!

On to an annual rite of passage more meaningful and entertaining than either the Pro Bowl or National Signing Day – the THH Super Bowl Extravaganza.

For anyone living south of the New Jersey state line, you most likely cheer for neither of these teams. So, who to sort-of, kind-of cheer in between bites of dip and sips of beer? That is why we are here.

Just take our simple quiz, tally the points and you will know which side you are on.

Shadow: I turned 40 last month.  I will completely blame my lack of THH performance on a mid-life crisis.  While I appreciate Dave’s “homemade” Braveheart charge against the Chinese, I will choose to characterize my stand as a rag-tag band of teenagers launching sneak attacks against the Chinese from the mountain passes of Colorado, all the while yelling (and/or spray painting) “Wolverines!”….which might appear to seem like I will be on the side of ex-Wolverine Tommy Brady….but let’s just wait and see what the Hierarchy of Hate says….after all, that is what it was invented for.  And dammit….now that I read farther into the categories, I see my homage to Red Dawn has already been nicked by SuperDave right down to the use of the adjective ‘rag-tag’.  Screw it…I am too lazy to re-write this.

Turner: I just can’t wait for Sunday, everything other than the football game will make for a fantastic afternoon.  Queso, hotdogs, beer, gambling and a bottle of gas-x and all will be right before I settle in at 4:30 MT to take a nap.  That is what I’m looking forward to on Sunday as my worst THH nightmare arose.  Two Northeast teams, both very hated, obnoxious fan bases, all this hype of the rematch, Brady getting to as many Superbowl as John “Tebow” Elway.  It is going to be a very long pre-game, the only hope is that the smells coming from various partners of mine will be there will be enough to knock me out before the 45^th replay of David Tyree’s catch.  The only other good thing is SuperDave gave us categories by which to judge this game, without those, I’d just be putting two chopstix in my eyes to avoid the pain of subjecting myself to the “G-Men” and watching the Brady hair flow….

Super Bowl: Patriots vs. Giants 

(All picks are Patriots first, Giants second – point for whichever answer you choose)

#1 – Better original location to steal name from: England vs York

SD: It is so typical of New England fans. A single state or city isn’t enough to claim, rather they need an entire region named after an entire nation. So desperate are they to represent a large chunk of land you can’t help but wonder if they are compensating for something else that is particularly small. New Yorkers, never known to be shy and humble, took the name of a village of 202,400. I can appreciate that much more than a bunch of micro-phallused Bostonians any day.

Patriots 0, Giants 1

Shadow: They say that imitation is the highest form of flattery, or flatulence, I forget.  But slapping a ‘New’ in front of the name of the country we bailed from over 200 years ago is just plain lazy and unoriginal.  On the other hand, I love me some peppermint patties. 

Pats 0, Giants 1

Turner: I’m going to have to go with England. If you are going to steal, steal a countries name, not a city or whatever York is.  As a proud American, I’m proud we not only stole our freedom from England but we put “new” in front of it and claimed it as ours. USA! USA! USA!

Patriots 1, Giants 0

#2 – Coach you would rather have leading a rag-tag bunch of civilians against an invading Chinese army (Red Dawn style): Belichick vs Coughlin

SD:  Because, make no mistake, if the Mayan apocalypse doesn’t occur, the Chinese will be parachuting into small Colorado towns before the next Super Bowl. Now is the time to prepare, man. While Coughlin’s penchant for military precision – 5 minutes early is late in his world – would be a benefit to maintain discipline among the survivors, it pales in comparison to Belichick’s willingness to move players into positions they aren’t accustomed to. Adapt or die Tom. You were impressed when Bill convinced Troy Brown and Julian Edelman to play defense; just wait until he trains my cat to use a flamethrower.

Patriots 1, Giants 1

Shadow: This is a little like choosing whether I would like to be led by an overbearing father, or a ‘stuck in the past’ psycho grandpa.  I am pretty sure that Belichick would successfully video tape the Chinese practicing their battle plan, and thus lead us to victory.  Coughlin would walk out on us since we all showed up to the rendezvous on time, instead of 10 minutes early. 

Pats 1, Giants 1

Turner: Not even close: Belichick.  Why – because he would be wearing a cut-off hoodie to blend in.  The key word here is “rag-tag civilians” as that is what he looks like and could blend into his people.

Patriots 2, Giants 0

#3 – Former NFL head coach now in Assistant coach role that is more likely to strangle his head coach late one night with the cord from a headset in an attempt to steal head coaching job: Josh McDaniels vs Kevin Gilbride

SD: I harbor a significant level of distrust for anyone that is willingly photographed wearing a moustache if they aren’t at the same time doing unspeakable things to Barely Legal Asian twins , so Gilbride warrants close surveillance but there isn’t a doubt in my mind that McDaniels would garrote Bill Belichick, Robert Kraft, Tom Brady and Denis Leary and then piss on Paul Revere’s grave before sitting back down and calmly finishing his clam chowder if it meant another chance at being a head coach.

Patriots 2, Giants 1

Shadow: Gilbride.  McDaniels ‘choking’ days are over after his unsuccessful flops in Denver and St Louis. 

Pats 1, Giants 2

Turner: Has to be Kevin Gilbride… the reason for this is Josh McDaniels is too much of a pansy to actually even attempt this because he know his puny little butt would get annihilated by the “chick”.  He isn’t man enough to even try.

Patriots 2, Giants 1

#4 – Back-up Quarterback secretly thinking that the team would be better with him playing: Ryan Mallett vs David Carr

SD: David Carr was the savior of Houston after being drafted #1 overall by the new Texans. That went about as well as Sam Houston’s attempt to save the Alamo. If there is anyone more than content to stand on the sideline and collect paychecks, it is the guy that owns the NFL record for being sacked the most in a single season. Ryan Mallett has heard how great he is since before he left high school. He doesn’t think he is better than Tom Brady. He KNOWS it. And, to answer the unspoken question in your mind: yes, he probably is on drugs.

Patriots 3, Giants 1

Shadow: Write-in Vote:  Tim Tebow.  We couldn’t have a season ending THH without mentioning Timmy.  WTF?  He is in a question farther down?  Curse you SuperDave! 

Pats 1, Giants 2

Turner: By default, it has to be Ryan Mallett.  Again, he is young and from Arkansas, so he might just be stupid enough to think he is better than Brady. It is not good when your IQ is less than Brady’s jersey number.  David Carr has learned his lesson, he just wants to collect the paycheck and wear the baseball hat to collect the ring, he knows that is the path to glory.

Patriots 3, Giants 1

#5 – Player more likely to spend his off-season writing dense mid-century French Philosophy: Zoltan Mesko vs Jason Pierre Paul

SD: If Zoltan Mesko doesn’t spend his off-season sipping café crème in a tiny café just off the Boulevard St. Germain wearing a black turtleneck and discussing the bourgeois undertones of Jean Paul Sartre’s late career work I will be devastated.

Patriots 4, Giants 1

Shadow: Zoltan will be a little too busy stuck inside that glass box and giving out prophecies/granting wishes to do any philosophizing.  Quick tangent:  since they are remaking the entire 1980’s, who would be the top contender to play Tom Hank’s role in a re-imagination of the classic comedy, Big!?  My money is on Jason Segel.  And before we get any angry writers commenting on the blog or Twitter about it…yes, I realize it is Zoltar…a little poetic license please.   Anyhoo…..if you need some French philosophy, you will need to turn to Jason Pierre Paul. 

Pats 1, Giants 3

Turner: Zoltan the Great.  To be a French writer you have to have the full name, not just a random French name in between two true American names.  If he had gone with Jaque’ Pierre La’Paul, then I’ll have gone the other way.  Additing apostrophes always gets you the French nod.

Patriots 4, Giants 1

#6 – If the best friend/sidekick of the leading man were named one of these, which movie would you rather see: Julian Edelman vs Chase Blackburn

SD: I love a good Judd Apatow comedy as much as the next guy and I am sure Julian Edelman (played by Jay Baruchel) would be great using an elaborate analogy involving masturbation and the barely legal Asian twin porno he watched last night to convince Seth Rogen that he is good enough to get the girl. But it is nothing compared to when Chase Blackburn and Jason Statham blow up that shipment of stolen Chinese arms at the port of Los Angeles that thwarts the planned invasion.

Patriots 4, Giants 2

Shadow: It is obvious that the leading man in movie number 1 is Jude Law and am pretty sure Merchant Ivory is the studio doing it, whereas the Chase Blackburn character is alongside Stone Cold Steve Austin in some straight to video dreck, probably entitled, ‘Hunt to Kill IV:  The Killing Hunters’.  Shadow 3:16 says Stone Cold just kicked Jude’s ass. 

Pats 1, Giants 4

Turner: You can’t have a wingman with a name of Julian, people would automatically accuse him of having a sex change and forgetting to change his name.  Chase Blackburn is a solid wingman name, something I would equate to John Turner.

Patriots 4, Giants 2

#7 – Name more aligned with your general attitude toward life: Kyle Love vs Bear Pasco

SD: Speaking of elaborate analogies, there is probably something here to be equate this question to the coming Presidential election (with the double meaning of ‘Bear’ adding delicious irony for the Republicans), but I won’t go there. I am a peacenik, tree-hugging liberal at heart, so give me Love all day. Particularly if barely legal Asian twins are involved.

Patriots 5, Giants 2

Shadow: Interesting that in an article about Hate, on a blog built on healthy doses of hate, that ‘Love’ is one of the choices here.  Do we really expect that any of the three of us align with ‘love’ as our general attitude towards life?  Well, that big softie Turner might.  Okay, fine.  Me too.  All you need is love.  Peace. 

Pats 2, Giants 4

Turner: If the Shadow answers anything other than the “Bear”, then he is fibbing.  I’ve seen how hairy he is.  I too will have to go with Bear Pasco. Primarily because I love to sleep and hibernating for 7 months and then gorging myself for the remaining months just seems so appealing.

Patriots 4, Giants 3

#8 – Super Bowl week storyline you most want to see: Rob Gronkowski declared out from game with multiple venereal diseases caught at Indy-area strip club vs Prince Amukamara declared out from game after being granted the monarchy of a small African country

SD: Gronk’s mid-season revelation that he spends his free time with porn stars (though NOT barely legal Asian twins, sadly), just reinforces every indication that he is just a meat head (as if the goofy face, crewcut and hard-nosed playing style weren’t enough of a hint). If I were selling the Amukamara scenario in Hollywood I would use the phrase: “It’s Coming To America meets The Princess Diaries” and spend the rest of the day rolling in my piles of cash like Scrooge McDuck. I don’t just want this to happen, I need this to happen.

Patriots 5, Giants 3

Shadow: Such great choices…..but just so I could see the back cover of the New York Post declare, “GROIN-K-OWWWWWW-SKI”, I am going to have to go with Rob here. 

Pats 3, Giants 4

Turner: Would love to see the Gronk get diagnosed with St. Elmo’s Fire.  He would combine so many diseases to actually genetically create a new one.  Prince wouldn’t really be a story because he opened a bad email and sent $1,000,000 for the monarchy only to learn it was a scam.  He is from Nebraska, he is a bit naive. 

Patriots 5, Giants 3

#9 – Last name that sounds more like a planet from the Star Wars series: Ihedigbo vs Trattou

SD: I am actually 93% sure Trattou was a planet in the Star Wars series. Probably in Episode 2, which is why none of us remember it.

Patriots 5, Giants 4

Shadow: I will admit to watching part of the Oprah interview with George Lucas the other week….what can I say, I’m a big Star Wars fan….and he said he literally has multiple notebooks filled with nothing other than made up names that he may need to use some time.  I respect that.  It is hard to make up a name that sounds both good and plausible.  I think Ihedigbo just doesn’t roll off the tongue nicely enough to be a planet in the Star Wars Universe, so Trattou will take its place alongside Hoth, Alderran, Dagobah, Tatooine, Naboo, Krysshk, Geonosis, etc, etc. 

Pats 3, Giants 5

Turner: Trattou – why?  I have no idea other than I feel bad the Giants are getting their asses kicked in this THH so I give them a sympathy vote.

Patriots 5, Giants 4

#10 – Who does Tim Tebow want to win: Patriots vs Giants

SD: This question was added as I am obligated to mention Tebow as part of my 2012 Denver city taxes. Anyone that has ever read the Old Testament (or, at least, read a blog summarizing the Old Testament), recognizes the phrase ‘vengeful God’. Would God cheer for someone that is everything he isn’t (accurate passer, successful in pro-style offenses, swimming in a never ending Chocolate fountain of gorgeous women)? No, of course not.

Patriots 5, Giants 5

Shadow: Several teams made Tim Tebow look Super Human this year.  And then there was one team that made him look like Clark Kent in an Alaskan diner after giving up his ‘powers’ so he could be with Lois Lane in Superman II.  Not only once……but twice.  I just can’t see Timmy rooting for the Patriots. 

Pats 3, Giants 6

Turner:  Patriots…. Tom Brady looks a lot more like Riley Cooper than Eli Manning does.

Patriots 6, Giants 4

TIEBREAKER: Quarterback that Peyton Manning is actually hoping wins another Super Bowl: Brady vs Manning

SD: The Brady & Peyton comparison as this generation’s Montana & Marino is so trite and cliché the only people still writing it probably work for Bleacher Report. Or are named Woody Paige. That was locked in conventional wisdom hell 5 years ago. Much like his freaky long neck, Peyton has grown to learn to live and be comfortable with it. However no one ever said, “You know, Marino’s younger brother might be better than him.” Someone once did say that about Michael Vick and he was so insulted he had his brother raped and killed by a Pit Bull. Peyton has no desire to become the Marcus Vick of the Manning family.

Peyton may be outwardly cheering for Eli but deep in places he pretends doesn’t exist, he will be desperately hoping Brady puts the smack down.

And, apparently, so will I.

Patriots 6, Giants 5

Shadow: It’s not needed, but I will answer anyway.  I honestly believe that at the end of the day, all sibling rivalry is set aside anytime a Manning is in a big game, and that whole family pulls whole-heartedly for each other. 

Pats 3, Giants 7

So, it’s basically a blow out for the Giants…and honestly, I would love to see the same thing Sunday, after I have relieved the wallets of Turner and SuperDave of some of their hard earned cash at various games of chance and skill.

Turner: Everyone who says Manning is flat out an idiot.  You never want your younger brother to win more than  you do.  People who say he roots for “blood” is taking it all wrong, he wants to see blood come out of Eli’s mouth as Vince Wolfolk sits on him. 

 That is it folks, the Patriots are going to dominate!!  7-4 with the tiebreak!  Long Live the Queen Brady!

Today I feel like Ann Bowden.

To clarify, I have not become a Septuagenarian mother of several mediocre college football coaches overnight, though I am fighting a head cold so I can at least, sort of, relate.

For several years, Ann would forced to watch her husband Bobby’s FSU team take on son Tommy’s Clemson team in the ‘Bowden Bowl’. To show the inner-conflict that tore at her stomach like a large bowl of boiled peanuts, Ann would often wear a sweatshirt that was half Seminole-Garnet and half Clemson-Orange.

That is the Ann I can relate to.

Friday, I will be in Tempe with occasional THH cohorts Turner and Shadow to attend the Insight Bowl and watch their favorite schools against each other: Turner’s Oklahoma Sooners against Shadow’s Iowa Hawkeyes.

But as the man in the middle for which team should I cheer?

I asked Turner and Shadow to provide me some level of guidance like we had done for Shadow prior to the recent FSU/OU match-ups but as they are just beginning on a 14-hour odyssey across the desert southwest with 5 kids in a van (I’m flying – I ain’t no dummy), they didn’t get around to it, so it looks like it is all on me.

But it is Bowl season, so with a month to prepare I think I can come up with my own decision criteria.

Hometown: Iowa City vs. Norman

I have never been to Iowa City but hold an inherent grudge against any city that just steals the name of the state in which it is located. Without doing research, I assume Norman is named after the character from Cheers and I am always a fan of going where everyone knows your name.

OU: 1, Iowa: 0

Film Role: Hiding Out vs. Twister

Iowa was the dream college of high school student Annabeth Gish as she was pursued by stock broker on the run, Jon Cryer in Hiding Out. This really begs the question: which is more unbelievable about the 1980’s; that (1) Jon Cryer was hired to play a leading man or (2) it was perfectly acceptable (and totally not creepy) for a guy in his mid-20’s to fall in love with a high school girl.

On the other hand, OU’s football stadium had an un-credited role in the twister movie Twister. It is impossible to list all of the ridiculous things about the movie Twister so let us just point out that in Twister, Bill Paxton is like the most desirable man in the entire stateof Oklahoma and he is a weatherman.

Sure, Hiding Out if re-made today would be very, very different (look for the cameo by Chris Hansen at the 1:18 mark!) but it is still less ridiculous than Twister. I mean, seriously Bill Paxton??

OU: 1, Iowa: 1

Mascot: Herky the Hawk  vs. the Sooner Schooner

Herky is the plastic headed bird mascot that roams the Iowa sidelines. The Sooner Schooner is the horse-drawn covered wagon that rides out on to the field to celebrate Sooner touchdowns.

While I believe it is a strategic advantage to have a plastic head in case Herky ever gets in a fist-fight with Bucky the Badger or Sparty, I will go with the Schooner here. Essentially, the best I can tell the entire Hawkeye franchise was invented in the middle of the 20^th century for little rational reason. The Schooner goes back to the historical precedent of the settlers who rode their covered wagons to claim land in Oklahoma after poisoning the local native Americans with blankets covered in Smallpox.

Sure, that is not a period of American history that should be celebrated but at least there is some level of historical accuracy. Besides, if OU didn’t use the Schooner they would probably have a mascot made up of Red Solo cups.

OU: 2, Iowa: 1

Former Coach: Hayden Fry vs. Barry Switzer

Both of these schools had legendary coaches that led them to conference and national championships. Fry spent most of his career at Iowa overshadowed by more famous peers like Bo Schembechler or Earle Bruce. Switzer, on the other hand, led a perennial national power Oklahoma squad with equal parts swagger, athletic ability, booster cash and the world’s most enjoyable triple-option offensive attack. Sure, it was the dirtiest program west of Dade County (or at least west of Tuscaloosa) but they were fun to watch.

While only one of these coaches produced an autobiography that I read as a middle-schooler, I will go with Fry here. Do I have fond memories of Chuck Long and the Hawkeyes from my youth? No, honestly I don’t. But I do often get Fry confused with Hayden Fox from the TV show Coach and I have many fond memories of that show.

OU: 2, Iowa: 2

Tie Breaker: WWMMD?

It comes down to one final question: what would Megan Menzel do? Megan, who has recently taken over the Iowa women’s golf program, happens to be married one of my best friends. And she grew up in Oklahoma – hosting her wedding reception in OU’s football stadium (you probably don’t need to know all of this, but there it is). Who better to help decide which team to cheer on here than someone with experience with each program?

A quick text to Mr. Menzel and I received the following answer:

Iowa all the way. She hates OU.

So there you go. If a woman who enabled me to do the Heisman pose in front of Steve Owen’s Heisman trophy while wearing a tuxedo is against the Sooners, than so am I.

OU: 2, Iowa: 3

Fight! Fight! Fight! For IOWA!

There is much hand-wringing and Twitter-hashtag making about the lack of a clear national champion in college football. While I can’t defend a system that will label Alabama the national champion solely because of timing, I will defend, to the death, the majesty of bowl season.

Bowls that dot the TV schedule this week are inherently meaningless (which is why Tom O’Brien is so good at them) but they are a low-stress way to celebrate the past college football season.

Do I want FSU to destroy Notre Dame? Of course. Will it cause me to curl up in a corner and suck my thumb for days if they lose? No. FSU once lost a Bowl to Kentucky, who, I’m pretty sure disbanded their entire program a couple years later when they couldn’t even get Ashley Judd to show up to their rivalry game versus Tennessee.

Let’s face it, every team playing a bowl game prior to New Year’s Day falls into one of two camps: (1) a team that disappointed during the season and is settling for a lesser bowl or (2) a bad team that surprised by winning that 7^th game and are thrilled to be in a bowl. Any bowl.

Which makes it all the more fun.

With all of these random match-ups that you aren’t invested in, who do you cheer for? Well, there is one special aspect to Bowl games that you can use to guide your decisions.

It used to be that normal sponsors supported only a few of the Bowls. Fed Ex Orange Bowl. Tostitos Fiesta Bowl. But now every bowl has a sponsor and they all seem to try to out-ridiculous each other.

But those sponsors are there for a reason – to make money. Obviously, teams are invited because Bowl games think they will bring fans. But you know, deep in the corporate balance sheets that replace their cold, dead corporate hearts, they prefer one team over the other. So who do they want to win?

It always safe to cheer for the same team as the sponsors, since, you know, corporations run the world so you know they can dictate who will win. And we all want to be on the side of the winners.

Bell Helicopter Bowl: BYU v Tulsa

The corporate synergies between a Helicopter company and a team with the nickname ‘Golden Hurricanes’ are so obvious, I’m surprised this wasn’t a challenge on The Apprentice. Plus, you know the military-industrial complex sees the Church of Latter Day Saints as competition for global domination and would prefer to do nothing to help advance the Mormon cause. At least not until President Romney mandates all companies convert if they want a government contract.

New Era Pinstripe Bowl: Rutgers v Iowa State

Let’s face it, people in New York don’t understand college football. It is as foreign as boiled peanuts and chitlins. Thus they play a bowl game in a baseball stadium and get a sponsor that sells baseball caps. They also are the only ones left that think Rutgers is a football school. For New Era though, it is all about selling caps. If I think of Rutgers students wearing ball caps, they are all brand new caps with flat brims and the stickers still attached. Iowa State students I assume wear old, ratty, beat-up John Deere caps. Who do you think a hat company sees as the better target market?

AutoZone Liberty Bowl: Cincy v Vandy

Vandy sees itself as the Ivy League school of the SEC. Of course, compared to most SEC schools, Tallahassee Community College is closer to the Ivy League. Honestly, I have no idea what sort of scholastic reputation Cincinnati has but when I think of the Bearcats, I think of guys like Kenyon Martin. If an auto-repair store sees one of these fan bases as a target market, it has to be Cincy. Unless we include the chauffeurs and valets of the Vandy students, but I think that is cheating.

Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl: UCLA v Illinois

There are so many things to love about this bowl – the fact that both coaches have been fired. The fact that crunchy San Francisco hosts a bowl game aimed at fighting hunger. I’m just disappointed this is being held the same day as the Northrop Grumman Military Bowl as the perfect demonstration of the countries’ political divide.

But this is all about the sponsors. Who does Kraft see as advancing the cause of fighting hunger better? Given that the Illinois is the home state of Archer Daniels Midland, one of the largest food companies in the world, a good showing by the Illini would help solidify a donation by ADM. Sure, ADM would probably donate experimental, genetically modified foods, but when you are starving do you really care about an extra arm growing out of your head?

As the saying goes, beggars can’t be choosers.

Happy Bowl season everyone!

Twas the day before the day before Christmas and all through the house the heater was blasting because it was freaking cold outside.

I was never good at rhyming.

Is it just me or the holidays always a disappointment now that I am an adult? As a student, even into college, you have a couple weeks off, with at least one coming prior to Christmas to allow you to get all festive.

You spend days getting into brawls with 67 year old women over the 25% Scarves rack.

You pick out and decorate a tree, hang household decoration and wrap presents.

You relax, reading or watching TV with a fire in the fireplace and the lights on the tree.

Your parents blast the worst possible Christmas music for weeks on end.

Each night features a bowl game pitting one school with a direction in its name against a school with a city in its name.

In short, your entire attention is focused on the pending holidays.

Now as a working adult, I force myself to squeeze some rushed shopping between the never-ending work requests that pile up as co-workers and clients try to cram a month’s worth of work into the 3 working days before the end of the year. Forget household decorations.

Today is a holiday for my company, yet I have a list of work to-dos longer than my 9-year old niece’s Christmas Wish List.

Where the holidays used to be my favorite time of the year, now it is something I look forward to all year that inevitably disappoints. It is sort of like the city of London. I idealize it in my mind and then once there, realize it is just really crowded and expensive.

With that bah-humbug, depressing opening, let’s hit the THH for the penultimate NFL weekend.

In honor of happier holidays this week, I am using one of the 3 best Christmas TV specials of my youth to guide who to cheer on in each game.

For the record those 3 are: (1) Twas the Night Before Christmas, (2) Rudolph, the Red Nosed Reindeer and (3) Emmet Otter’s Jug Band Christmas

This time of year, there is only one question to ask yourself: What would Emmet Otter do?

Shadow and Turner are not joining because Turner grew up Amish and is not familiar with the season’s most generous mammal while Shadow regretfully admitted he didn’t like Emmett growing up, which is nearly as shameful as once being a Raiders fan.

But I will forgive him. It is the least I can do this time of year. Because I should be thankful for what I have: family, friends and a washtub with no hole in it.

Giants @ Jets

Obviously Emmet would be cheering on the Giants. First, Emmet loathes greed in all forms. With Rex clearly eating all food in his vicinity and refusing to share while Mark Sanchez nails every hot woman who doesn’t have a souvenir ‘I got hit by Derek Jeter’ baseball, the Jets personify greed. The Giants on the other hand have Eli Manning who is all about the family. If any NFL player would enter a musical contest to try and earn money to buy his mom a Christmas present, it is clearly Eli.

Bucs @ Panthers

One of the songs that Emmet and his pals play is entitled Barbecue and includes the following lyrics:

And your very favorite thing to do

Is get a perty girl dancin’ to jug-band music

And a mess of mama’s barbecue

Barbecue lifts my spirit

I swear that it never fails

And the sauce mama makes just stays there forever

If you dare to get it under your nails

Well you maybe poor with a wolf at your door

But money isn’t everything

You still got your song and a river full of fun

And you’ll always have a song to sing

So get the frown off your face

We’re gonna replace it with a grin and a dream come true

With a perty girl dancin’ to jug-band music

And a mess of mama’s barbecue

Clearly, Emmet would be cheering for Carolina and their messy, sweet, tasty barbecue in this one.

Browns @ Ravens

Emmet, his mom and his mates lost the musical contest to a bunch of lizards, snakes and a bear wearing sunglasses. A group that can’t be trusted and would do anything to make money. Sort of like Art Modell turning his back on the people of Cleveland and moving to Baltimore for a promised new stadium. Emmet, of all beings, can relate to the poor people of Cleveland and would be a proud member of the Dawg Pound this weekend.

Thursday, December 8, 2011 will go down as one of the strangest days in the history of sports. From the moment we woke up (at least those of us here out west) to the moment we went to bed, bombshells were dropping like we were in 1941 London.

We start with a superstar baseball player who may or may not be 31 years old signing a 10-year contract with a new team in L.A.. My favorite part of this is the catch-22 it puts Angels fans in. The only way a 10-year contract (ending when Pujols is at least 41 – that’s right at least) is worth this much is if Albert starts borrowing some of Barry Bonds training secrets. But then if Pujols borrows Bonds training secrets, the Angels become a laughingstock and it is totally not worth it.

Then a bunch of pitchers traded teams but none of them are life changing, so as a non-baseball fan I will cover them all thusly: fast forward to May, I switch on a <insert name of baseball team> game and say to myself: “Oh yeah, I forgot <insert name of pitcher traded yesterday> went to <insert name of baseball team>. Wow, he already gave up 5 runs and it is only the 3^rd inning? Good signing.”

By lunch time, the NBA had kicked into high gear as the Mavs pulled a Marlins “post-championship fire sale” for secondary players – Caron Butler to the Clippers and (possibly) Tyson Chandler to the Knicks.

But these moves were immediately eclipsed by Chris Paul’s knee brace….I mean Chris Paul trade rumors.

As the sun began to kiss the mountains here in Denver, it became confirmed that the Hornets were trading Paul to the Lakers in a 3 team trade that would send Pau Gasol to Houston and Lamar Kardashian to New Orleans – along with several former Rockets and Bruce Jenner’s left-over face skin.

At that point, the day has been fun, interesting and somewhat logical (even if the Angels overpaid by 4 years and $50 million). But like some sort of horror movie, as night descended, so did the insanity.

I would have thought it was a bad joke or the fever induced delirium of a bitter Gator fan when the first rumors of Charlie Weis becoming head coach at Kansas materialized. But then it actually happened.

A team desperate to be even relevant in the college football landscape went out and hired a proven loser. An arrogant, lazy coach living on an undeserved reputation who has done nothing but fail since he left the cold embrace of Lord Belichick. Rather than gain respect and attention by actually trying to build a real program through hard work, KU leadership decided to go for the sex tape approach to grabbing attention. Yes, releasing a sex tape is a good way to get attention, but then you are famous for all the wrong reasons. Let’s stop this analogy right here, because the words ‘Charlie Weis’ and ‘sex tape’ in the same paragraph are starting to make my eyes bleed.

KU will undoubtedly be mentioned more frequently on College GameDay next season with Charlie scooting around the sidelines – but most of that attention will be of the ‘what is wrong with KU under Weis?’ variety.

A long time Weis loather, I am thrilled with the jokes that this affords me but, as a FSU fan, saddened by the years of dominating UF that we have lost.

As we were still laughing at KU, David Stern took it as a personal affront and said “Oh, you think that was short-sighted and misguided? Well, take a look at this!” before disallowing the Paul trade.

Apparently some whiny owners complained about competitive balance. Which is an interesting argument, so I hope one of those idiots answer one question for me:

How does Paul signing with a big market team next summer as a free agent, netting the Hornets absolutely nothing in return, help them compete better than the 4 players and draft pick they would have gotten in this deal?

Apparently Dan Gilbert, owner and Chief Idiot on Charge of the Cavaliers would prefer every other team sit through their own Decision each summer as their superstars head to (literally) sunnier destinations.

What a long, strange day it has been.

In honor of the Trading Places Thursday we just witnessed, this week, we pick two games that involved some sort of swap. So which team won that ‘trade’?

Indianapolis @ Baltimore

SD: In the middle of a cold winter night nearly 20 years ago, the Colts snuck out the door and left Baltimore like Cal Ripken’s wife leaving Kevin Costner’s house. Allegedly. It took another decade but when Cleveland wouldn’t give Art Modell a new stadium for his crappy Browns, Baltimore finally had a team to root for again. Since both moves were completed each team has won a Super Bowl. Each team has produced one of the best players of the last fifteen years (Peyton Manning, Ray Lewis). Each team has a key contributor accused of murder (Marvin Harrison, Ray Lewis – again). In the end, the city of Baltimore got all of the same things that Indianapolis took from them, outside of an original scroll of On The Road, without having to move to Indianapolis. That sounds like a win to me.

Chicago @ Denver

A little less than 3 years ago, the Broncos sent a whiny Jay Cutler to the Bears in exchange for Kyle Orton’s neck beard and some draft picks. A year ago, this question would have looked like a no-brainer as the Broncos were headed to the #2 overall pick and the Bears to the NFC title game. But now, Cutler’s inability to stay healthy (or fight through injuries), his tabloid relationship with professional attention whore Kristen Cavalleri and the Bears perennial mediocrity must leave Bears fans scratching their moustaches and drowning their sorrows in Old Style. The Broncos are riding the high of the Tebow phenomenon, winning inexplicable games every week and becoming America’s (if not God’s) Team. Bronco country tried a time period in which we had a good, but not great team and a good but not great quarterback that we rode to early round playoff exits every year (see: 2000-2005). It wasn’t fun. Give me the lunacy and ridiculousness of the Tebow era any day, even if it doesn’t last any longer than his famous speech.

 When it comes to NFL disappointment, I live by the motto: It is better to burn out than fade away.

As I sit to write this, my mind isn’t on football, it’s on basketball. College basketball has been on my TV for the last 24 hours like that Friends episode where Joey and Chandler get free porn: afraid it will be gone if I turn off the TV, I keep it on 24 hours a day.

The NBA on the other hand, much like the Philadelphia Eagles, have proven that the more great athletes you have, the more disposable you become. Filled with the greatest collection of talent in a generation and building on 3 or 4 great years that saw the resurgence of the Lakers, Celtics and the creation of the Heatles, the NBA has decided to take the year off.

I guess they decided if it worked for Dave Chapelle, it will definitely work for them.

Of course he lost his TV show.

While basketball is being defined as both a beginning (college) and ending (NBA), football, outside of the depraved showers of the Penn State locker room, is defined at the moment is ‘in between’.

College football is in between the marquee mid-season match-ups such as LSU/Alabama and Oregon/Stanford that have shaped the BCS title race and the late season match-ups that will finalize the Bowl schedule – Bedlam in Oklahoma and the SEC title game.

The NFL is in the late season, where the true contenders start to separate themselves from the early season pretenders (paging Detroit Lions, Detroit Lions, Reality is holding for you) but not yet to the point where playoff spots are being locked. At least outside of the NFC West where the Niners are on the verge of clinching the NFL’s equivalent of the PAC 12 South.

For the next couple of weeks, the entire NFL world sits in limbo. No conclusions reached just more questions and clues. Which is fine for most people because anticipation is at least half of the fun of sports. But for people writing about sports, it means generating stories out of thin air. Whether it is digging around and looking for anything that is even tangentially interesting relative to the Penn State scandal (see: Sports by Brooks) or just making up dumb arguments to keep a dialog alive (see: Bleacher Report and ESPN).

After spending weeks analyzing the Tim Tebow phenomenon from every angle short of asking what uncircumcised kids in the Philippines think of him, I have run out of things to say. Until something actually happens, there is only so much to talk about.

And so we all wait together.

But as a bright spot today I am in between something else: in between a busy fall of work and a long weekend in Vegas with the THH crew beginning Thursday. With Vegas on my mind, the THH theme this week is simple. Given the opening spread, which team would (will) you bet on?

College

Nebraska at Michigan (-2.5)

If it were October 2010, this would be a fascinating match-up of 2 of the most exciting playmakers in football: Michigan QB Denard Robinson and Nebraska QB Taylor Martinez. Unfortunately a year later and the weaknesses of each have been exposed. Robinson can throw the ball only marginally better than Mr. Robinson, Eddie Murphy’s old SNL character. Martinez is as consistent under center as acting legend A Martinez’s work schedule. If I were a betting man (wait, I AM a betting man), I take Nebraska here. Nebraska has about the only defense in the Big Ten athletic enough to contain Denard. And God help Michigan if they have to rely on a passing game. As Michigan receiver Junior Hemingway might say about the UM passing game.

The ball leaves his hand; launched into the clear, blue sky.

It hits the cold, unforgiving turf.

The faces of his receivers show frustration and anger.

It is real. It is ugly.

Colorado @ UCLA (-11)

It would be easy to paint this game as an opportunity for the Buffaloes to exact revenge on the coach that deserted them and sent them from perennial national contender to Big-12 Pac-12 doormat. But then you realize that when Rick Neuheisel left Boulder most of these players were so young that they were still eating their own boogers. The Buffaloes do not care about Neuheisel’s past but, more importantly, they do not play football well. UCLA, as crazy as it is to imagine, still has a chance to be the sacrificial virgin that gets slaughtered by Oregon in the Pac 12 title game. The Buffaloes won their first ever Pac-12 game last week and I fear that a level of satisfaction now permeates the team – at least they got that off their shoulders. I think the Bruins roll the Buffs and both CU fans that still care more about football than ski season, curse Neuheisel once again.

NFL

Chargers @ Chicago (-4)

Is there anyone outside of the sports books and Chargers owner’s box that still think Norv Turner can coach this team? How is this only a 4-point game? Are the sportsbooks banking on Philip Rivers seeing Jay Cutler across the field and playing like he did when he would blow out Cutler’s Broncos? I don’t see it, mostly because Philip Rivers seems to have become the quarterback equivalent of Sean Alexander ‘one year too late’ and comparing the Bears defense to those old Bronco defenses is like comparing Homeland to NCIS –two things trying to achieve the same goal but one being vastly superior at it.

The Bears should roll to an easy win and after the Broncos beat the Jets to tie for the division lead, maybe the Chargers leadership will finally realize that Norv and this Charger team peaked about 3 years ago and it is time to blow it up and start over.

Bengals @ Ravens (-9)

It is an odd numbered week in the NFL, so that must mean that the Ravens will play well. That makes as much as sense as anything else the Ravens have done this year, so I will go with it. The Bengals have been a nice story and Andy Dalton certainly looks like a young Brad Johnson but I think their time near the top of the division has reached its end. It was fun while it lasted and we will always be able to look back at the first 2 months fondly, like a warm summer in high school. Though with his fair skin, I imagine no summer under a scorching Texas sun is remembered fondly by Dalton.

Will Joe Flacco lead the Ravens past the Bengals by double-digits? That’s as sure a bet as saying Reverend Ray Lewis never broke one of the Ten Commandments.

Oh. Hmmm. Yeah, this seems like a game to tease down to -2. Tease with the Bears? Free money.