In the first contest, the 2 combatants were too close to call; such a brutal back and forth that when the final whistle sounded nothing was resolved. It wasn’t until after the bell that one of the parties finally was awarded the narrowest of victories.

After the contest, loud voices complained about the outcome – they didn’t feel like it really resolved anything. One of the parties had disappointed – not performed to their ability. A re-match would truly resolve who is better.

After a rancorous argument, it was finally agreed that the two would meet again.

The coach of the losing side from the first match– a small, unlikeable man that is beloved by his athletes but isn’t liked by many others – spent the time leading to the re-match scheming and coming up with a new strategy to surprise his superior opponent.

Once the re-match began it was as hard-hitting and brutal as the first contest. In the end, the loser of the first bout rose and was able to out-last and emerge victorious.

If we had all just thought about it a little more, we would have realized that Rocky Two had already shown us the script of this year’s BCS title game.

The invite arrives in the mail and you can’t decide if you really want to attend. You tend to find these parties a little dull and full of people you either don’t particularly like or don’t know.

But you have two buddies that have agreed to attend and they talk you into joining them.

One of your pals, ‘Hawk’ doesn’t get out of the house much these days and is always thankful for any invite.

Your other buddy ‘Soo’ is more of a globetrotter; always hanging with the cool people at the coolest parties. You were even surprised he agreed to come to this party; you assumed he had better options available.

Arriving at the party it initially seems like most other parties: a big crowd right inside the door, noisy, mediocre food and drink options. After making it through the scrum at the entrance, you, Hawk and Soo head to the main room.

As soon as you make it in the main room, both Hawk and Soo notice a really cute girl in the corner. Nice smile, great body, seems friendly and approachable – she is a real trophy.

She also notices both of them and gives them a little smile. Hawk is definitely more interested in her than Soo, who appears as indifferent as a blackjack dealer at an Indian casino and seems to wish he were somewhere else. Maybe New Orleans, South Beach or L.A.

Around 8 or 9 pm, the party really gets going, Hawk starts talking to the trophy and she smiles and chats, but keeps looking over his shoulder at Soo. Soo still seems a little disinterested in the party as a whole, but he isn’t one to turn down a trophy like that and gives her a smile and wink back which makes her blush. It seems pretty obvious early that despite his lack of interest, the trophy has eyes for Soo.

The clock begins creeping closer to midnight and a strange thing occurs. The combination of Soo’s indifference and Hawk’s attention has started to have an impact on the trophy. Rather than fighting for the guy who seems to be almost insulted to be here with this group of people, she has really engaged with Hawk and they appear to really be getting along. They are beginning to look like they have known each other for ages. It really seems like there might be something serious brewing between them.

Distracted by all of the revelry – strange hook-ups, embarrassing drunken failures, people passing out right on top of you, you lose track of Hawk, Soo and the trophy.

As the countdown to twelve changes from minutes to seconds, you find Soo and the trophy cuddling in the corner while Hawk glares at them from across the room. How and when Soo swept in and took the trophy back you aren’t really sure – it is all a blur after hours of drinks – but it seems pretty apparent that after most of an evening acting resigned to a fate he didn’t want, he decided that he could at least get something out of it. Namely her.

As the clock strikes midnight, Soo and the trophy lock in a kiss that is slightly inappropriate for the public setting.

Hawk is out the door, heading home, before the first note of Auld Lang Syne is struck.

Today I feel like Ann Bowden.

To clarify, I have not become a Septuagenarian mother of several mediocre college football coaches overnight, though I am fighting a head cold so I can at least, sort of, relate.

For several years, Ann would forced to watch her husband Bobby’s FSU team take on son Tommy’s Clemson team in the ‘Bowden Bowl’. To show the inner-conflict that tore at her stomach like a large bowl of boiled peanuts, Ann would often wear a sweatshirt that was half Seminole-Garnet and half Clemson-Orange.

That is the Ann I can relate to.

Friday, I will be in Tempe with occasional THH cohorts Turner and Shadow to attend the Insight Bowl and watch their favorite schools against each other: Turner’s Oklahoma Sooners against Shadow’s Iowa Hawkeyes.

But as the man in the middle for which team should I cheer?

I asked Turner and Shadow to provide me some level of guidance like we had done for Shadow prior to the recent FSU/OU match-ups but as they are just beginning on a 14-hour odyssey across the desert southwest with 5 kids in a van (I’m flying – I ain’t no dummy), they didn’t get around to it, so it looks like it is all on me.

But it is Bowl season, so with a month to prepare I think I can come up with my own decision criteria.

Hometown: Iowa City vs. Norman

I have never been to Iowa City but hold an inherent grudge against any city that just steals the name of the state in which it is located. Without doing research, I assume Norman is named after the character from Cheers and I am always a fan of going where everyone knows your name.

OU: 1, Iowa: 0

Film Role: Hiding Out vs. Twister

Iowa was the dream college of high school student Annabeth Gish as she was pursued by stock broker on the run, Jon Cryer in Hiding Out. This really begs the question: which is more unbelievable about the 1980’s; that (1) Jon Cryer was hired to play a leading man or (2) it was perfectly acceptable (and totally not creepy) for a guy in his mid-20’s to fall in love with a high school girl.

On the other hand, OU’s football stadium had an un-credited role in the twister movie Twister. It is impossible to list all of the ridiculous things about the movie Twister so let us just point out that in Twister, Bill Paxton is like the most desirable man in the entire stateof Oklahoma and he is a weatherman.

Sure, Hiding Out if re-made today would be very, very different (look for the cameo by Chris Hansen at the 1:18 mark!) but it is still less ridiculous than Twister. I mean, seriously Bill Paxton??

OU: 1, Iowa: 1

Mascot: Herky the Hawk  vs. the Sooner Schooner

Herky is the plastic headed bird mascot that roams the Iowa sidelines. The Sooner Schooner is the horse-drawn covered wagon that rides out on to the field to celebrate Sooner touchdowns.

While I believe it is a strategic advantage to have a plastic head in case Herky ever gets in a fist-fight with Bucky the Badger or Sparty, I will go with the Schooner here. Essentially, the best I can tell the entire Hawkeye franchise was invented in the middle of the 20^th century for little rational reason. The Schooner goes back to the historical precedent of the settlers who rode their covered wagons to claim land in Oklahoma after poisoning the local native Americans with blankets covered in Smallpox.

Sure, that is not a period of American history that should be celebrated but at least there is some level of historical accuracy. Besides, if OU didn’t use the Schooner they would probably have a mascot made up of Red Solo cups.

OU: 2, Iowa: 1

Former Coach: Hayden Fry vs. Barry Switzer

Both of these schools had legendary coaches that led them to conference and national championships. Fry spent most of his career at Iowa overshadowed by more famous peers like Bo Schembechler or Earle Bruce. Switzer, on the other hand, led a perennial national power Oklahoma squad with equal parts swagger, athletic ability, booster cash and the world’s most enjoyable triple-option offensive attack. Sure, it was the dirtiest program west of Dade County (or at least west of Tuscaloosa) but they were fun to watch.

While only one of these coaches produced an autobiography that I read as a middle-schooler, I will go with Fry here. Do I have fond memories of Chuck Long and the Hawkeyes from my youth? No, honestly I don’t. But I do often get Fry confused with Hayden Fox from the TV show Coach and I have many fond memories of that show.

OU: 2, Iowa: 2

Tie Breaker: WWMMD?

It comes down to one final question: what would Megan Menzel do? Megan, who has recently taken over the Iowa women’s golf program, happens to be married one of my best friends. And she grew up in Oklahoma – hosting her wedding reception in OU’s football stadium (you probably don’t need to know all of this, but there it is). Who better to help decide which team to cheer on here than someone with experience with each program?

A quick text to Mr. Menzel and I received the following answer:

Iowa all the way. She hates OU.

So there you go. If a woman who enabled me to do the Heisman pose in front of Steve Owen’s Heisman trophy while wearing a tuxedo is against the Sooners, than so am I.

OU: 2, Iowa: 3

Fight! Fight! Fight! For IOWA!

There is much hand-wringing and Twitter-hashtag making about the lack of a clear national champion in college football. While I can’t defend a system that will label Alabama the national champion solely because of timing, I will defend, to the death, the majesty of bowl season.

Bowls that dot the TV schedule this week are inherently meaningless (which is why Tom O’Brien is so good at them) but they are a low-stress way to celebrate the past college football season.

Do I want FSU to destroy Notre Dame? Of course. Will it cause me to curl up in a corner and suck my thumb for days if they lose? No. FSU once lost a Bowl to Kentucky, who, I’m pretty sure disbanded their entire program a couple years later when they couldn’t even get Ashley Judd to show up to their rivalry game versus Tennessee.

Let’s face it, every team playing a bowl game prior to New Year’s Day falls into one of two camps: (1) a team that disappointed during the season and is settling for a lesser bowl or (2) a bad team that surprised by winning that 7^th game and are thrilled to be in a bowl. Any bowl.

Which makes it all the more fun.

With all of these random match-ups that you aren’t invested in, who do you cheer for? Well, there is one special aspect to Bowl games that you can use to guide your decisions.

It used to be that normal sponsors supported only a few of the Bowls. Fed Ex Orange Bowl. Tostitos Fiesta Bowl. But now every bowl has a sponsor and they all seem to try to out-ridiculous each other.

But those sponsors are there for a reason – to make money. Obviously, teams are invited because Bowl games think they will bring fans. But you know, deep in the corporate balance sheets that replace their cold, dead corporate hearts, they prefer one team over the other. So who do they want to win?

It always safe to cheer for the same team as the sponsors, since, you know, corporations run the world so you know they can dictate who will win. And we all want to be on the side of the winners.

Bell Helicopter Bowl: BYU v Tulsa

The corporate synergies between a Helicopter company and a team with the nickname ‘Golden Hurricanes’ are so obvious, I’m surprised this wasn’t a challenge on The Apprentice. Plus, you know the military-industrial complex sees the Church of Latter Day Saints as competition for global domination and would prefer to do nothing to help advance the Mormon cause. At least not until President Romney mandates all companies convert if they want a government contract.

New Era Pinstripe Bowl: Rutgers v Iowa State

Let’s face it, people in New York don’t understand college football. It is as foreign as boiled peanuts and chitlins. Thus they play a bowl game in a baseball stadium and get a sponsor that sells baseball caps. They also are the only ones left that think Rutgers is a football school. For New Era though, it is all about selling caps. If I think of Rutgers students wearing ball caps, they are all brand new caps with flat brims and the stickers still attached. Iowa State students I assume wear old, ratty, beat-up John Deere caps. Who do you think a hat company sees as the better target market?

AutoZone Liberty Bowl: Cincy v Vandy

Vandy sees itself as the Ivy League school of the SEC. Of course, compared to most SEC schools, Tallahassee Community College is closer to the Ivy League. Honestly, I have no idea what sort of scholastic reputation Cincinnati has but when I think of the Bearcats, I think of guys like Kenyon Martin. If an auto-repair store sees one of these fan bases as a target market, it has to be Cincy. Unless we include the chauffeurs and valets of the Vandy students, but I think that is cheating.

Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl: UCLA v Illinois

There are so many things to love about this bowl – the fact that both coaches have been fired. The fact that crunchy San Francisco hosts a bowl game aimed at fighting hunger. I’m just disappointed this is being held the same day as the Northrop Grumman Military Bowl as the perfect demonstration of the countries’ political divide.

But this is all about the sponsors. Who does Kraft see as advancing the cause of fighting hunger better? Given that the Illinois is the home state of Archer Daniels Midland, one of the largest food companies in the world, a good showing by the Illini would help solidify a donation by ADM. Sure, ADM would probably donate experimental, genetically modified foods, but when you are starving do you really care about an extra arm growing out of your head?

As the saying goes, beggars can’t be choosers.

Happy Bowl season everyone!

I don’t make a habit of writing previews for the myriad of meaningless bowl games that dot the calendar like piles of dog poop in your backyard. They really only matter to each player’s mother who is inevitably given the uniform with the bowl game patch to wear to each game the following season as they yell “My baby! That’s my baby!” after each good play.

But today I make an exception for the Beef O’Brady’s Bowl.

People outside of Florida may not be familiar with B O’B’s so let me provide 2 stories to explain B O’B’s itself and by extension the essence of the Beef O’Brady’s Bowl.

Note: henceforth I will not type out the full name of Beef O’Brady’s and instead refer to it as B O’B’s mostly because I like to picture Rivers Cuomo and B.o.B. hunched over a basket of chicken wings writing ‘Magic’.

When I lived in Tallahassee, I had a good friend (born and raised in Leon County, for the record) Shafer, who introduced me to B O’B’s and, not so coincidentally the joys of morning beers while driving an aluminum john boat around a lake scouting hunting locations. Shafer’s sole rationale for regularly visiting B O’B’s was that it had the ‘coldest beer in Tallahassee’. Not best. Not cheapest. Coldest.

Second, I once dragged the Mrs. to B O’B’s to share some of the ‘coldest beer in Tallahassee’ and a bucket of their ‘Award Winning Wings’. The wings – award winning, remember – are really the signature item on B O’B’s menu.  Naturally, they were so undercooked that the Mrs. spent the remainder of the evening hunched over in the bathroom.

And that is, in essence, all you need to know about tonight’s game. B O’B’s can’t get their signature item right so why would you think they could create a football game worth watching?

P.S. – all they do is freeze their mugs.

Loyalty is dead.

Actually, in the off chance that Loyalty is the name of one of the cast members of Basketball Wives, let me clarify.  

Loyalty, in the “medieval knight bowing down and kissing the ring of the monarch and vowing to defend the realm to the death” sense of the word is dead.

Maybe not everywhere, but at least in the world of coaching it is.

In the last couple of weeks, college football has seen a remarkable number of coaches jumping at new opportunities.

Urban Meyer abandoning his family and his one year sabbatical for the low-pressure job at resurrecting Ohio State. I can only assume that this means Meyer’s family is about as insufferable as the Kardashians and that E! will soon be documenting every moment of their lives as well.

Charlie Weis jumping to Kansas after just a year in Gainesville. Actually scratch ‘jumping’, Charlie hasn’t jumped since his man-teet gave him a bloody nose skipping rope in middle school. Charlie Weis ‘scooting’ to Kansas.

Kevin Sumlin moving up the road from Houston to College Station to demonstrate how a Conference USA offense will do against SEC defenses. I hope Kevin doesn’t Google ‘Steve Spurrier Washington Redskins’ while researching innovative offenses going to a new level of competition.

Hugh Freeze going to Ole Miss, creating an entire ancillary industry for Batman & Robin pun signs.

Jim Mora Jr. signing on at UCLA, allowing BCS defenders a new go-to clip when people lobby for college playoffs. It is also makes it inevitable that Mora and Rick Neuheisel will eventually face off in an Anchorman style back alley brawl since Neuheisel once held Mora’s dream job as head coach at UW and now Mora replaces Neuheisel at UCLA.  

Offensive Coordinator Gus Malzahn leaves Auburn to take over Arkansas State after defensive coordinator Ted Roof leaves the plains to take over the defense at UCF proving one of two things – either (1) both coordinators realized that last year’s fluke national title was the result of buying recruiting a SuperMan that won’t be seen again and Auburn will likely return to its rightful place as the Phoebe of the SEC Friends’ cast or (2) both are so distraught over the pending death of the trees at Toomer’s Corner they can’t bear to watch as the trees wilt away.

And today, Todd Graham, after almost a full year on the job is leaving Pittsburgh to take over the Arizona State job.

There are rational reasons for all of these moves – from the out-sized ambition to prove you are as smart as you think you are to moving to a bigger and better program to wanting to live in a nicer location.

But in the end, there is one overriding lesson to be learned from them all.

Loyalty is dead. Coaches don’t care about programs, fans, schools or even players.

They care about themselves. They care about making more money; about gaining more power and more acclaim.

A player is a tool for them. Not a person. Not someone to help shape, grow and lead. Players are only as valuable as the wins (and subsequent money and fame) that they can help the coach acquire.

Any recruit that goes to a school any more due to a connection with their coach and a belief that the coach only wants them to succeed is destined to be as disappointed as people that attend Alvin & the Chipmunks: Chip-wrecked on opening night.

When picking a school, recruits should focus on the school – where they will live, the campus, the fans, the atmosphere – more than any individual because the coaches that promise them the world, do so with an unwritten understanding:

“I will care for you and help you as long as you help me achieve my ambitions. If better opportunities come along or if you fail to meet my goals, you will be as dead to me as The Playboy Club.”

College football programs are like the military. They build un-divided loyalty and devotion through hard work and sacrifice but give you a life-long community. A family.

Coaches are the Blackwater mercenaries to help the war-effort. They pitch in, work along-side the military community to achieve the same goals. They aren’t really part of the family but are there to help.

Right up until someone else offers them more money.